Restraint
by electric gurrl
Summary: Pursuit of perfection makes monsters; learning restraint can undo such a transformation. — Azula x Ty Lee. The Restraint Trilogy Book One. Complete.
1. locked

A/N: **Some Quick Facts about this Fic:**  
**Chapters: **37  
**Pairing: **Azula x Ty Lee  
**Rated: **M for strong sexual content, moderate violence, violent references, strong language, suggestive dialogue, mature humor, use of alcohol, references to past nonconsensual incest and mild blood and gore.  
**Notes: **This fic is very slightly AU. I wrote all 180k words before posting, before reading _The Search_ and before _Smoke and Shadow _came out, but I did edit it to include as much introduced canon as possible. It still does follow a different chain of events after the comet, though, and I didn't write in any new characters (Kiyi, Kei Lo, etc.) or change the heart of the material.

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**Restraint**

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chapter one: locked

* * *

_"What is better - to be born good, or to overcome your evil nature through great effort?"  
\- Paarthurnax, Skyrim -_

* * *

"She doesn't even say anything," Zuko says calmly, gesturing at the closed door. Ty Lee walks towards it, ignoring the Fire Lord. "It's locked. I mean, if you can get her to open it, by all means..."

It is an abnormally hot day, even by Fire Nation standards. The sun is blazing, an off-orange color. Ty Lee is sweating in beads, even after dropping down a few layers of clothes and washing off her face paint. She followed Suki to the Fire Nation while the Sokka holds a summit with a few dignitaries. It was personal for her; a trip home was exactly what she needed.

Zuko has called Ty Lee here for reasons other than a friendly visit. He wants her help, and he wants it desperately. Azula has so far been silent, confining herself to her room, blank... empty. She has lost her willpower, but that does not mean she is harmless. Zuko, as an agreement with Aang, has informed everyone that Azula's bending was taken, as Ozai's was.

But that is not true. It is a lie, and, so far, no one has found out, seeing as Azula refuses contact with others. Aang and Zuko agreed she needed to learn restraint above all else, and if anyone can _forcibly _restrain Azula, it is Ty Lee. Her chi-blocking could be instrumental in allowing Azula to move beyond being locked in her room, hiding her bending.

"She really lost her bending?" Ty Lee asks, looking Zuko up and down. He swallows uncomfortably.

"Yes..." He will look like a liar later, but, for now, he does not care.

Ty Lee recalls watching Azula practice for hours, the same move again and again. The blue flames licked the air as Azula cursed to herself and pursued perfection relentlessly. But the acrobat was always amazed by every move that Princess Azula made, captivated by even her breathing. They were more than friends in ways that were never truly answered, the swirling dance of sexual tension cut short by a betrayal. Azula had to go down. She was... wrong. But that does not mean that Ty Lee feels no remorse. It does not mean that Ty Lee does not sometimes wonder what could have been.

"I was kind of grateful that she shut up for once," Mai says and Zuko pretends he did not hear her. "What? Her lunatic raving and violent threats were a little unpleasant."

Mai tried with Azula. _How _she tried. She was the one to drag Azula to the asylum, the one to try to bring her food in her bedroom or try to make her talk. But she only got violent threats and spewed insults in response, or catatonic silence. Her patience for Azula has run dry and she is getting tired of dealing with the princess.

Ty Lee feels intimidated for a moment. She has faced a great many opponents in her life and managed to stay positive, but the thought of knocking on this door makes her stomach twist. The Fire Lord and Fire Lady wait for her to approach with bated breath, curiosity in even Mai's eyes. If Azula were to answer anyone, it would be Ty Lee; both Zuko and Mai know that. And the princess has not responded to a servant, her mother, her brother, Mai or any other who made a feeble attempt.

"Well, um, I guess I'll just..." Ty Lee walks to the door and holds her fist over it. Pause. She cannot summon the willpower to knock. Finally, she does. _Bang, bang_. "Uh, hello?"

Mai looks as amused as Mai can look. Zuko shrugs and walks away, ready to attend to more important duties. His newlywed wife, on the other hand, stands and watches. The Ty Lee and Azula dance was always entertaining, and without the threat of lightning, it is even funnier. Their friendship ended bitterly, and, secretly, Mai wants Ty Lee to succeed not just because it would make her smirk, but because Azula is too accomplished to spend her life wallowing in the misery of a single failure.

Maybe Mai hates Azula; most likely she still loves her. But Azula does not deserve this. After an asylum, after the Boiling Rock, after being dragged home and taken to her room, her bending removed. Maybe Azula deserves what Ty Lee wants to give her.

"Hello?" Ty Lee knocks again. She turns to Mai, one eyebrow raised. "Is she even in there?"

"If she wanted to escape she would have already. It's not like we boarded up the windows or anything." Mai shrugs and Ty Lee sighs. "I don't know why you care so much. It's not like you bothered to come here before."

Ty Lee bristles at that accusation, even if it is true. "I had my reasons," Ty Lee snaps ferociously and Mai just crosses her arms, refusing to stand down. "And I'm giving her a chance regardless of _you _not being able to."

Mai cannot argue with that. "Look, you just, keep trying... or don't. I'll see you later."

The Fire Lady leaves and Ty Lee considers how she could have avoided the altercation, but she returns her focus to Azula.

"They're gone now." Silence. "Did you escape?"

Ty Lee would not put it past her to have grappled out of a window. Azula always had a knack for doing impossible things. Ty Lee has seen her scale walls and burn down the sky. Ba Sing Se fell at a few of her words, one thought, one plan. The princess does not belong locked in her bedroom like a sullen teen who went through a bad break-up.

"No." The voice coming through the door is familiar, but hoarse, as if it has not been used in a long time. Ty Lee grins. Already progress. "Are you going to liberate me, Ty Lee?" Scathing.

"Well, it's locked from your side, you see─"

"Sarcasm. I was being sarcastic."

The disembodied voice definitely belongs to her old friend. Ty Lee supposes that this is a momentous occasion, but she does not think Azula wants to celebrate. She leans against the door and continues with, "So, do you want to come out?"

Silence. Ty Lee's heart flutters in fits and starts as her throat feels swollen. Her stomach twists with anxiety.

"No pressure or anything, princess." She hopes that addition makes a difference.

"You're not supposed to call me that anymore, Ty Lee." Bitter. This is going to be more difficult than Ty Lee had previously imagined.

"Well, I just wanted to say that I'm in town for a couple of weeks. Sokka and Suki are doing some kind of summit. It sounds pretty boring so I'll probably just be here. So if you ever want to hang out or anything, I'm around!" Ty Lee offers. _Stay positive_.

There is no response.

Within her room, Azula has not moved out of her bed for... well she hasn't kept track of how long. The curtains are closed, basking the room in a red glow. Her bed was never comfortable to her, but now she has no desire to leave. There is not a reason to leave. Her life is _over_. Just completely _over_.

And this promise with the Avatar? She supposes she has to keep it. Even if Ty Lee starts _meddling_. It was the most difficult thing she ever did in her life, and never once has she kept a promise. But this time, it is her life on the line. If Zuko were to find out, he would throw her back in prison.

Her bed is far more pleasant than prison. She has found the easiest way to not reveal herself or her intentions is to simply not say a word. Not talking never occurred to Azula. People always wanted to listen to what she had to say, that was inevitable. And now, she is silenced. The beast is dethroned.

She cannot remember the last time she said anything true. Maybe that played into why she just gave up. It wasn't helping her anymore. She has no power; she has to wait for someone to slip up so she can pick it up and run with it.

_Would you really escape? _the nagging thought echoes.

"Yes, of course I would," she mutters to herself, rolling over and closing her eyes. Trying to sleep makes her uncomfortable. She has been having excruciating nightmares since before her life decided to turn against her. She watched everything crumble.

Failure. Failure. Failure.

Azula falls asleep.

Failure.

[X]

Zuko comes to give Ty Lee his proposition while she is making her bed in the guest room and unpacking her non-Kyoshi Warrior clothes. Sokka and Suki offered for her to stay in their Caldera apartment, but Ty Lee shook her head. Particularly since Azula is clearly in such a mess.

"I wanted to, uh, talk to you," Zuko says and Ty Lee nods once. She seems so _positive_ that Zuko is stunned. "About Azula."

"I want to help her," Ty Lee says fiercely and Zuko's eyes flicker in surprise. "I want to make her... better. I want to redeem her, Zuko."

Zuko opens his mouth to tell her the truth about Azula's bending, but he changes his mind. Perhaps that is what is making her sympathetic. He just nods.

Ty Lee smiles and hugs tightly Zuko, filling his nostrils with the scent of cinnamon perfume, before continuing to unpack.

"My first step is to get her out of her room," Ty Lee says with a confidence that he, Ursa and Mai now severely lack after so much time dealing with Azula.

Zuko clenches his jaw.

[X]

"Good morning!"

Azula never thought she would hear that voice again. That morning chirrup that declares itself to everyone ten miles around. She _threw the bitch in prison_. Ty Lee _turned against her_. And now _she says good morning_. No amends can be made in this friendship. None. Not one.

"Are you not awake, princess?"

_You're not supposed to call me that anymore, Ty Lee. Well, actually, it sounds kind of nice. I could get used to being called princess again. And I could get used to having my obnoxiously helpful little servant, _spirals in Azula's thoughts.

But she does not reply. Nothing feels worth her time. She is nineteen and her life is already over. Just fucking kill her now. She pushes the pillow down on top of her head and tries to drown out the world. Without pursuit of power, without the throne as an option, Azula has nothing to live for. The circus freak who gives Azula strange shivers and misguided sexual thoughts is not going to change the fact that the reign of Princess Azula has come to a bitter close.

"Well, I'm having breakfast and I thought you would like to join me!" Ty Lee exclaims and Azula sighs. This is getting grating. "Your Uncle is here visiting from Ba Sing Se! He said he was going to teach me..."

Azula tunes her out. Bliss.

"...So if you want to come, you can!" And her voice gets louder. Azula draws her knees to her chest and tries to go back to sleep.

"Do you want to go for a walk?"

_Are you kidding me? _Azula sinks further into the mattress.

"It's really nice out. Not too hot or anything," Ty Lee continues, shouting through the door. Azula just wants to end it.

"If I come with you, will you stop bothering me?" Azula calls, her voice sore. It hurts to speak, and when she opens her lips, they peel. She does not feel like herself, though she has not felt like herself in a long time.

"Of course!" Ty Lee does not even know what she is saying. But Azula supposes she can roll with it. It would not be _terrible _to go for a walk, she supposes. She slowly gets up and stumbles slightly. Her legs feel numb and her arms ache. Clothes, clothes, clothes. She looks around and every outfit is accompanied by a painful memory.

_She gasps and sobs. Her throat is raw and her fingers are bloodied from clawing at the door. The thoughts race around in her mind, chasing her, devouring her. The room in the asylum is nice, but it feels even more oppressive than a prison cell._

_Panic. What's happening? Where is she?_

_The memories play and refuse to let up. Her stomach sinks. She claws at the door even more, ripping at the stone as it peels off her previously flawless fingernails._

"I don't have anything to wear!" Azula shouts, though her room is littered with clothing.

"Let me help you," Ty Lee offers and Azula rolls her eyes regally. _You have got to be kidding me_, Azula thinks in frustration. "No really!"

Azula leans against the wall for a moment. She feels slightly breathless. It took so much work to get over the low she was at. She is not going to let Ty Lee ruin that for her. But... well, she caves. Azula unlocks the door for the first time in a long time. Ty Lee looks different. Older. Azula supposes she looks different too. They were just children, those years ago. It makes Azula feel even more livid about the harshness of her punishment.

Five years in prison, she was sentenced to. But she _did _prefer it over the asylum, if she had to choose. But her fate hiding her bending to cover for Zuko is even more grating than her imprisonment. Apparently the world leaders would not allow Azula's liberation without her meeting her father's fate, but Aang and Zuko did not want to take her bending.

_I was a child. They should be ashamed_, Azula reminds herself. But maybe she was a war criminal. Maybe she was something awful.

Oh, yes, there was the asylum. Zuko's attempt at compassion. But Azula quickly quenched any possibility of her freedom by escape attempts and murders, and biting off people's fingers until the _only option _was to place her in prison and see if _that _worked. At this point, she has simply caved in. No asylum or prison could hold her, but her own home can. She may hate being locked up, but invisible bars are better than the literal.

"Are you in there?" Ty Lee is waving her hand frantically in front of Azula's face. _Why am I doing this? Why? _"So, let's find you some clothes."

Ty Lee tries not to look at her half-dressed friend. Azula has certainly grown into herself, albeit thinner than she should be. She is wearing a half on undershirt and underwear, all red. Dirty, Ty Lee notices. She must not have changed her clothes in a while. The sweat on her skin glitters, and her contours are painfully visible. She has blossomed in ways that Ty Lee struggles not to look at.

She and the princess have their romantic history, their past relationship, and Ty Lee hopes Azula does not take the way Ty Lee's protuberant eyes brush across her naked body in the wrong way.

"What are you staring at at? What?" Azula snaps with the familiar voracity, usually accompanied by blasts of blue flame. So the rumors are true; she has lost her bending. If she had it, Ty Lee is pretty certain that her hair would be on fire. Azula can strike fear into the heart of a grown man with her words. The silver tongue is more powerful than her bending, and she was once the most powerful firebender who ever lived. Both women are aware of that.

But, looking at Azula after years, feels like being hit by a bolt of lightning. It's shocking and dazing in a wild way that Ty Lee cannot describe. They had their odd moments, in childhood. But now they are grown, and any of the feelings that had for each other have dried up. Ty Lee is certain that they will never go back to how it once was.

"How about this?"

"Hideous."

"This?"

"Doesn't even match."

"Uh... this?"

"You're not even trying anymore, Ty Lee."

Azula finally picks up an old dress. It probably will not even fit anymore, but she pulls it over herself. Ty Lee cringes at the thought of the dirty clothes on her old best friend. Her hair has grown long and mess, tied back in a halfhearted bun. She used to spend hours making herself look perfect.

_"I have to be perfect," Azula wails, kicking her foot against the wall. It hurts and she clutches onto it with both of her hands. "Why am I not perfect?"_

_Alone in a cell. Thought she saw her mother._

_Again._

"So, we're going on a walk," Ty Lee says.

"Yes, you've made that rather clear," Azula retorts and Ty Lee smiles in response. It is funny how Ty Lee can thrive on the verbal abuse of someone she is convinced is her friend. Perhaps Azula should be kinder to her. But that may... that may upset the little balance there is. "Let's go."

They start to walk, Azula feeling wobbly. She feels incredibly foolish.

"I hope no one recognizes us," Azula mutters and Ty Lee thinks they might not. Azula looks paler, thinner, overgrown and out of place. The only thing that looks like _her _is the piercing, golden eyes. Ty Lee had thought about those eyes many times in the past, as they haunted her. Every day they haunted her.

Ty Lee walks through the palace, headed towards the gardens. She reaches out for Azula's hand, but she does not react. Impulsively, Ty Lee takes her hand in hers. She cringes, expecting to get singed. Azula is amazed at her own restraint. But they walk together, holding hands.

"We look like morons," Azula remarks as they walk out of the palace. "I hate being seen with you in public." _I hate being seen in public_, Azula's thoughts add.

"So, you look a lot better than last time we talked."

"That's not exactly an accomplishment."

Ty Lee takes a deep breath. _Does she always have to be so negative?_ Ty Lee laments silently.

Azula stops in her tracks when she sees Iroh. She has always found him to be unpleasant; mostly because he always saw through her. He looks up and she has the sudden urge to hide. Azula has never backed out of a confrontation before, given the fact that she always wins.

Not always. Not anymore. _You lost. You're a failure_, Azula is reminded.

"...Anyway, it's good to see you're about." How did Uncle get in front of Ty Lee? Azula feels dizzy. Did she really zone out for that long?

Ty Lee replies, "Thank you, Zuko and Azula's uncle." She turns to Azula expectantly.

Azula stares at Iroh with stony silence. She hates him and she will _never _stop hating him.

"Azula," her uncle says and she fights the urge to roll her eyes, "you look much better."

_Lies, Uncle, lies. _She holds her tongue. Azula knows that he has always hated her.

"I was telling him how sorry we were for Ba Sing Se," Ty Lee remarks, nudging Azula. Azula rolls her eyes. She has had enough of this for a lifetime. Her family has always brought her great dismay, and now they just piss her off. "Azula is sorry too."

The doubt in Uncle's eyes is evident. Azula looks away and Ty Lee smiles awkwardly. She always does something awkward and Azula wishes that she wouldn't, but she supposes that is how it will be. This is all beyond uncomfortable to the disgraced princess, but for some reason, Ty Lee does not seem to care. The girl has absolutely no self awareness.

"I hope you feel better, Azula." _Earnest. He actually meant that. Or maybe I'm hallucinating. It would not be the first time I saw something that wasn't there._

Ty Lee takes her old friend by the hand and guides her through the gardens. She is talking but not saying anything. Azula has always hated that about people. The flowers bend in the breeze, swaying in hot, ashen wind. They are a plethora of colors, the fertility of volcanic soil making this place beautiful. It makes Azula feel queasy. Her love for her Nation has not ended, but the flowers she once claimed were a testament to the superiority of flame now only bring back sour memories of a life she once had.

"This has been really nice but─"

Mai arrives, looking stunned that Azula is out of her room. After how hard she tried to get Azula walking around again, Ty Lee managed in more than one day. The metallic taste in Mai's mouth, she thinks might be jealousy, but she does not know.

"You really did it." Fuck. Mai. Actually, fuck Mai. "I guess you can actually annoy someone out of their misery."

The Fire Lady approaches them. She has an amused grin that Azula briefly fantasies about burning off of her face. Her fingers feel slightly hot and she gulps. Restraint. Restraint. Restraint.

Just her voice, everything about her, pisses Azula off. Restraint. Restraint. Restraint.

"Yeah," Ty Lee says, secretly hoping that Mai does not push it. This is clearly a delicate situation, and neither of Ty Lee's friends have ever been good with delicate situations. "We were just going."

Mai smirks slightly and Azula wants to slap it off of her face. Ty Lee drags Azula away from the beginning cat fight and takes her to a fountain. They sit down on the outside of it, Azula wobbling slightly. Azula frowns. Everything looks the same, but so different. She does not like it, nor the feeling that it gives her inside.

Ty Lee tries not to feel disappointed as she sits in silence with Azula. She supposes that it is only step one of the recovery. And Ty Lee decides that she will dedicate all of her positive energy towards bringing Azula back to her former self.

It has to happen.

[X]

"Do you even remember her former self?" Sokka says loudly, looking astounded. He mimes a rather impressive impression of Azula throwing fire and lightning at people, and ends it by throwing back his head in a silent evil laugh. "That. That was her former self. I think you should just leave it."

"I think I can change her, Sokka," Ty Lee says, touching his shoulder. Suki's expression falls. "I really do."

Sokka repeats his impression, this time with more vigor. Suki wishes sometimes that her boyfriend would mature to his own age, but she also knows that he has a point. It is most unwise to meddle with the mentally unstable former princess.

"Ty Lee, I don't think it's a good idea. I can station you somewhere else if it's a distraction."

"If this is a distraction, then maybe I quit." Ty Lee feels uncertain, her heart leaping into her throat. But something possessed her to say it. Sokka and Suki both look astounded. "Yeah. I quit."

Ty Lee turns on her heel, hoping she will not regret this for the rest of her life. And so, she walks off, back towards Zuko's palace. Is this more important to her? Is Sokka right?

What is she getting herself into?

[X]

Azula sits in her room, on the windowsill. Her chin touches her knees as she stares at the sunset. It is a vibrant red and orange, like everything around her seems to be. She thinks about her life before, and how low she had fallen. Whenever she closes her eyes she still feels like she is back in that cell, out of her mind.

She still feels... broken. And she does not know if she will ever stop being so miserable.

A little insect flutters by, and with a single fingertip, Azula disintegrates it in a minor blast of blue.


	2. father

chapter two: father

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_"Young love is when you love someone because of what they do right. Mature love is when you love someone in spite of what they do wrong." - Mark Goulston_

* * *

Azula often does not know what day it is, or what time of day it is. She falls asleep when she falls asleep, and often is stuck in slumber for the entire day. The nightmares are constant and overbearing. They vary from strange and bizarre, to painful, relived memories. But that does not stop her from her incessant slumber. The hallucinations are rarer. Maybe she outgrew them.

She was fourteen when she _failed_. And when she was rescued, there was no sympathy. Chained, bound, drowned. And no one looked at her and thought that it might be wrong, that it might be a mistake.

People were livid over her actions, and Azula had no explanations of them except vile insults and refusal to stand down and cave in. She has the distinct recollection of Zuko coming to the asylum, days before Azula tried to escape and caused enough carnage to get her sent to the Boiling Rock. He said he was _sorry_, that he wanted to _help _her. She spat in his face.

Azula had enough. Had enough of doctors and the agony of being trapped, and so she released a firestorm and destroyed all in her path. She had spent two years of her life there, and it was despicable.

She was taken to The Boiling Rock. And so there she spent one year of her life, swirling further into descent. She could have gotten better far more quickly if they had left her alone. No shrinks or prison guards deciding her fate. Or maybe not. Perhaps, being forced to face her own destruction was what made her have no desire for revenge or violence any longer.

It seems to be early morning, the sun barely peeking up over the horizon. Azula finds no reason to be awake, although she once woke with the sun and trained for hours, but _now _she must hide her bending as Zuko and Aang play politics, and so she lets herself fall back to sleep. But moments after drifting off, there is a feverish pounding on her door.

"Go away, Ty Lee!" Azula exclaims, tossing a pillow at the door. Her fingers heat up. Restraint. Restraint. Restraint. Fuck the Avatar and his stupid face and his stupid arrow and his dumb haircut. She has to _restrain herself_. Promises. Promises. Fuck.

"It's not Ty Lee." The voice coming through the wood is even more unwelcome. Mother.

Azula feels tongue tied. She and her mother have had their rows, endlessly, of course. But she feels slight pangs of guilt when she argues with Ursa. She knows very well that she is punishing her mother for something she did not choose to do. So maybe she left Azula, so maybe she made her life difficult, so maybe Azula has always hated her because Ursa hated Azula. But, while snapping at Ursa once brought Azula pleasure, now she finds it tiring.

It does her no good.

_I've gotten awfully mature_, she thinks to herself as she restrains herself from the quite biting comment she wants to make. Hmph.

"Azula, we saved a spot for you at breakfast." Her mother has not done this in months. Every day she would come and say that there was a chair at the table, and each time, Azula would ignore her. Eventually, Ursa stopped trying. _Because she doesn't love me, obviously_, Azula decided, as it played so neatly into her narrative of Ursa. Then again, why does she expect her mother to love her?

But she pauses for a moment, deep in thought. Being up and about was not all bad. She gets out of bed, needing to force herself. She stumbles slightly, her numb legs buckling under her until she steadies herself with her palms pressed against the wall. Her fingers are nicked slightly by a piece of paper... a drawing of she, Ty Lee and Mai. _Damn you, Ty Lee, and your stupid fucking optimism_, Azula cannot help but think as she finally regains feeling in her once muscular legs.

"I'm coming," Azula says and she feels as if she will regret it. She doesn't bother getting dressed ─ two days later she is still wearing the same outfit she put on when Ty Lee dragged her out. It smells funny, but the disgraced princess honestly does not care.

She pushes open the door and breezes past her mother. They do not need to interact. Azula slowly finds her way to the breakfast table and she is surrounded by the people she detests most in this world.

On the right, Zuko sits with Mai. They are talking quietly, Mai's expression unmovable and Zuko looking... like Zuko. Ursa studies his scar sadly. Azula can sense her regret and it pleases the princess far more than it should. On the left, is an open chair beside Uncle. He sits, stuffing his fat face. Azula does not meet his gaze.

"Let's all say good morning to Azula," Ursa says and Azula has the urge to set the table ablaze. Restraint. Restraint. Restraint.

Zuko and Mai do not react. Mai stares at her food, still looking angry for some inexplicable reason. Zuko is hopeful, but not _that _hopeful. He has tried with Azula more than the rest, and found helping her to be futile.

"Good morning, Azula," comes the low, calm voice of Uncle. She finds it in her best interest to remain silent, sitting down in the empty chair. "How did you sleep?"

Silence. Ursa squirms. Azula takes the food off of the table and puts it on her plate. It smells nauseating, but also appealing. Her life has been filled with strange combinations of late. She pours herself a cup of tea. It smells citrusy, which is her absolute least favorite. But she drinks it anyway, not having the desire or energy to demand something else.

"I didn't expect to see you yesterday." Uncle persists in his attempts to speak to her. She glares at him and wishes she were not fished out of bed during one of his visits. "It was a pleasant surprise."

Mai suddenly does something Azula would never expect when she says, "I think she wants to be left alone."

Oh, the sweet, monotonous tone of Mai's defense. Azula approves. The rest of the family complies with the Fire Lady. Ursa complained and complained about the youth of Zuko, and how the adrenaline of the confrontations had made two lovers into husband and wife too quickly. Iroh, on the other hand, believed that even young love should be expressed.

"How is the summit going, nephew?" Uncle inquires gently and Azula's head hurts. She has not been around this much conversation, much less right after waking, in ages.

"Fine. I mean, the negotiations are in everyone's favor," Zuko replies earnestly and Azula puts her chopsticks onto her plate too hard. It makes a loud scraping sound that the entire family cringes at. She continues eating as if nothing had happened, but her cheeks are red. "I think the results will be positive."

The boring conversation continues for what feels like ages.

"Family," Azula says through the conversation and suddenly the room falls silent. She is impressed by the power of her words. The rush... it feels good. "I'd like to see my father."

Everyone immediately looks uncomfortable.

"I'm not sure that would be healthy for you, Azula," mother says smoothly and Azula fights to restrain herself. Azula glances at her mother's eyes and can tell that she knows more than she should about Azula and Ozai's relationship, which she has _no _right to know. And Azula's insides turn to steel, but her face remains calm. Perhaps Azula is imagining it, as she so often does.

"I'm not like I was when you first got me out of there. I don't need to be treated _delicately_, mother," Azula snaps but Ursa remains firm. The two women are both undeniably stubborn.

[X]

_A year before Azula is at breakfast with her family, she has to be carried out of the prison cell. She is barely conscious, having stopped eating unless she was on the verge of death almost a month previously. Her former glory is completely gone, her body bent, everything about her destroyed and desecrated. She recognizes being in the arms of her mother. It feels strange. She cannot recall the last time she saw Ursa, but her mind is scrambled._

_"You're going to be okay," Ursa murmurs, softly, sweetly. Azula feels... reassured, despite once loathing her mother with every fiber of her being. Her head is still reeling from the hallucinations and tears. Her fingers are stained with blood. Her bones protrude from her body. Fallen._

_She lies in bed for the first time in a long time. It feels... comfortable. She is lost in the blankets, very far away from where she was before._

_When she tried to escape, she killed twenty guards. After that she was perpetually drugged and hung from the ceiling. Her sentence was nine years, and only four years in, her mistreatment was making her ill and weak. She does not know why she was released early, but she is glad of it._

_"I don't think she's in any state to talk." Mother. Azula thought she was dead. Azula was happy thinking she was dead._

_"When she's ready, it's important. Thank you." The now oddly deep voice of the Avatar. He is too polite. Too... accommodating. Azula would have simply forced her way in._

_Azula closes her eyes._

_"Drink this." Mother again. Azula wonders why she will not leave her alone. It's not like mother loves her._

_Azula does and immediately spits it out. "That's disgusting. What is it?"_

_"It will make you feel better," Ursa insists, and Azula takes another sip. She does not know why she's doing this._

_She feels weak. As days pass, she feels slightly stronger. On her mind, thoughts of escape flutter, thoughts of bending her way out of it. But she does not feel well enough for any of that. She is torn into pieces and thrown out into the wind carelessly and recklessly._

_Azula forces herself out of bed one morning. She slowly stands up, in pain. Looking around, her room looks exactly as it had before. It has not changed; she has changed._

_She pushes her way out of the door and wanders around aimlessly. Where am I? What's happening? This is a dream again, isn't it?_

_"Azula."_

_"Brother." She spins around and nearly falls. Zuko catches her and her hands light up with blue flames. He presses his fingertip against her neck and her flames fizzle out. Not worth it. "What do you want from me? From your poor and broken little sister."_

_Zuko looks displeased. He does not remove his hand. "I want to know what you're doing up. Our mother convinced me to give you a place to stay and I was pretty reluctant. But I don't want you up and wandering like this. Especially throwing fire at innocent people."_

_"Well, fine, if you want to seclude me to my room," Azula snarls, pushing off of him. She stumbles slightly. She still sees their battle, flashing in front of her. How could he have bested her? He and the water peasant. "Then that's how it will be."_

_And so she returns, sulking, to her bedroom._

[X]

"I know you're doing better," Ursa admits reluctantly over the breakfast table, although it frustrates her. She has been having a fine time pretending Ozai does not exist, but Azula loves him and she is well aware of that fact. "I do."

Silence. "So that means I can see him? Unless you've executed him or something."

They all look uncomfortable. Uncle interjects with, "I think it would be within your rights to see him."

She wishes it weren't him who stood up for her. But, it worked in her favor, despite it being her Uncle.

"Alright, I suppose," Ursa murmurs reluctantly and Azula wonders why they listen to the chubby old man and not Princess Azula the Conqueror. _Have I really lost that much power over these people? They used to fear me... and now I'm... now I'm... I don't want to think about it_, Azula can only think.

"I stuck around last night." Ty Lee enters abruptly, brimming with _positivity_. She stands before the family and they all look pleased to see her. Azula certainly did not get that reception when she sat down for breakfast. "I'm actually not sure where to stay," Ty Lee continues, scratching her head awkwardly. Azula does not like her new, more adult braid; she wants her to look the same as she did when they were together as youths.

"Aren't you staying with your little water peasant friends?" Azula remarks as coolly as she can manage and Zuko cringes. He wishes that she were... well, he supposes some things never change.

"I quit." Ty Lee turns her palms up and grins, as everyone at the table's eyes widen. "You could say I found my calling."

Hesitantly, Azula asks, "And what would that be?"

Ty Lee is at the table in a few abnormally swift steps. She wraps her arms around Azula and replies, "You, obviously."

Zuko bursts into a fit of hysterical laughter. "This just gets better and better..." he murmurs. Mai slaps his shoulder and he coughs, trying to disguise his mirth. Azula's expression sours.

Ty Lee hugs Azula tightly and Azula nearly chokes on the food in her mouth. She likes Ty Lee ─ she really does. But sometimes their relationship can be complicated. She feels sometimes as if they are dancing on glass, and Ty Lee's toes bleed just a little less than hers. _Am I jealous of her? The worthless circus freak? I have to do better than that..._

Ursa is relatively pleased by the developments of the morning. Ty Lee was always good for her daughter. As much as Ursa respects Mai and believes she is right for her son, she never had the same ability to knock down Azula's walls.

Azula's friends stuck around for some inexplicable reason. Ursa never understood it. Mai befriended Azula first, mostly because her parents told her to. Ty Lee showed up two years later. Ursa imagined they would be out of the royal family's life quickly, given how Azula treated them.

But they are still here to this day.

Ursa does not envy them.

[X]

_Three nine year old best friends play in the courtyard of the palace._

_"Let's play a game," Azula says, perched on a boulder. She looks like an animal of prey ready to strike. Mai is sitting with a book open on her lap, her legs crossed. Ty Lee is standing on her head. This is how they tend to look every day of summer. They are all nine years old._

_"Are you going to change the rules when you start losing?" Mai asks and Ty Lee drops her legs down._

_"How do you even...?" Azula's eyes are drawn to the contortionist position of her friend. "How do you do that?"_

_"Would you like me to show you?" Ty Lee offers, springing to her feet. Azula jumps down from the rock. Mai returns to her book; she knows this is going to end ugly._

_Mai likes the princess. She never had any other friends to speak of. Azula can actually be fun to be around, and it always gives her someone to sit next to in class. But her jealousy seems never-ending. Hence, why Mai never displays any of her talents around Azula, or reveals better grades on a test, or wears anything prettier or buys anything nicer. Ty Lee, on the other hand, is marvelously oblivious._

_"Okay," Ty Lee says, guiding Azula with her hand. "Just... Flip over. Like this." Ty Lee does it perfectly._

_Azula quickly tries to imitate, and lands on her back. She gasps for air, the winds knocked out of her. Ouch._

_"You taught me wrong!" she snaps and Mai smirks. Ty Lee crosses her legs in some unnatural position. Azula eyes her enviously again._

_"I'm sorry, princess," Ty Lee says and Mai rolls her eyes. "Let's try again._

[X]

After breakfast, Mai and Zuko discuss Azula for the first time in a long time.

"I caught them making out once," Mai says to Zuko, her legs on the glossy coffee table. They are sitting in Zuko's private chambers, intertwined together and trying to be out of the prying eyes of the palce. "On Ember Island five years ago."

Zuko nearly spits out his juice. What?

"Who would want to kiss Azula?" Zuko exclaims, stunned, and Mai snickers. It is a pleasant afternoon, and Mai supposes she no longer has to fear spilling Azula's secrets.

"Apparently, Ty Lee," Mai replies. She shrugs. "They were together, you know? Briefly. Or maybe for a long time. It was a weird relationship. But they were together before what happened at the Boiling Rock."

Zuko had no idea that Azula was romantically involved with anyone. It makes what he saw on Ember Island make more sense, and it makes what he witnessed at the Boiling Rock even more bitter. The stolen glances must have been accompanied by stolen kisses, and Zuko feels foolish for having no idea.

"I can't believe she quit the Kyoshi Warriors," Zuko remarks in awe of what has happened and Mai nods slowly. One of her shoulders shrugs, but she seems to agree strongly.

"They were a lot healthier for her than cartwheeling in Azula's shadow. But if that's what she wants to do..." Mai shrugs again. Zuko gets tired of his wife's noncommittal nature now and again. It would be nice to see her with a firm opinion on anything.

"I don't think she should see our father," Zuko says and Mai nods. That, they can agree on. Ozai was bad news for Azula, and she thinks that it can only trigger bad memories ─ a mess in the making.

"He was always so awful to you guys. All she wanted was to impress him. It was pathetic," Mai murmurs, inhaling sharply at her thoughts of Ozai. _He _is easy to be angry at. _Azula _not as easy.

"I tried to impress him too," Zuko says, gesturing at the scar on his face. Mai kisses it softly, the skin rough against her warm lips.

"He's an asshole."

[X]

Azula and Ty Lee walk to the prison, Zuko leading them. Ty Lee feels butterflies in her stomach, like she used to get before performing in the circus. She recalls the moment she changed her mind about her future, and applies it to this situation. It seems that Azula tends to call a little louder, every time Ty Lee escapes her past. At least this time it was not a near death occurrence.

"Are you sure you want to do this?" Ty Lee asks Azula and Azula nods. It is the most assured about anything that Ty Lee has ever seen Azula as.

They finally reach the last door. It reminds Azula of where her Uncle was kept. She interrogated him to no avail, asking why Zuko was seeing him in prison. It made her _livid_. She has always hated the man, and rarely sees him without wishing he had died in the war. Her life would be significantly easier.

The three people walking to the door have all done stints in prison, all for unfair reasons. Azula will admit that her Uncle did not deserve what he got, as much as she once convinced herself otherwise. His compassion for Zuko was the only reason he stood against the Fire Nation, in Azula's mind at least.

_I've gotten far too accepting of others, haven't I? Is this what maturity is?_

"Azula," Zuko says, rubbing his neck. "Don't hold your breath, okay? He's horrible."

"I doubt he sees me in the same light as a disappointment like you," Azula purrs and Zuko is startled by her confident tone.

She and Ty Lee walk into the room, brushing past Zuko, whom waits outside. Ozai is recognizable, yet not. Much like his daughter, who is still wearing dirty clothes with overgrown dark hair. His eyes ─ she looks at them ─ have given up. It makes her stomach twist. _The higher the pedestal, the harder the fall. Have I become that? Have I become my father? _Azula wonders as her stomach churns.

"Hello?" Azula walks into the dim light. Her father looks up.

"I wasn't expecting you." His voice is weak. Seeing him... maybe her mother was right. "Have you come to kill me?"

"Of course not." Azula walks close to him, up against the bars. Ty Lee reaches out to grab her, but it is too late. "Father, I miss you."

Silence. Ozai looks at her with an utter contempt. He looks at her the way he looks at Zuko. It offends her to the soul.

Ty Lee cringes. This is not going well. She steps towards Azula as Azula wraps her hands around the bars, leaning into it.

"I'm sorry I failed you. Please forgive me. I missed you. I miss you..." Azula slides down, her hands burning with the sear of metal. The bars turns red as her hands heat and Ty Lee wants to yank her away. Azula bites her lip to keep from crying.

Ozai does not reply.

"Azula," Ty Lee murmurs, taking her friend's arm. "Maybe we should go."

Azula slaps her away. Restraint. Restraint. Restraint. _Remember your promise, _she reminds herself.

"Answer me." Azula leans further towards the bars. "Answer me, you bastard! I deserve better!"

"Are the rumors true?" Ozai asks and Azula hesitates. "Are you as worthless as me now, little princess?"

The last two words are scathing, demeaning. Ty Lee fights the urge to punch him.

"Yes, father." Azula reaches her hand through the bars and Ty Lee touches her shoulder. This is futile. So futile. He does not move.

"Then you're of no use to me now."

Ty Lee cringes again as Azula slowly withdraws her hand from the cell.

Ty Lee breathes, "Let's go, princess. Please."

Azula sits in absolute silence. She has not felt this way in a long time. All she wants is to go sleep in her bed. She wants to sleep for a thousand years. There was this glimmer of hope in her that she and her father would be back together. The world would be hers with his blessing.

But even he... even he betrayed her. Just like everyone else.

Her body shakes, tremors with sobs. Her father looks at her in disgust as she cries like a little child, which Ozai is certain Azula would have never done before her breakdown. Ty Lee's heart flutters, as she is certain Azula has forgotten Ty Lee is in the room. But Azula composes herself, wiping her eyes and glancing at the door. If anyone saw her like that, she would burn them alive. Ty Lee, of course, does not matter. No one cares what she thinks.

"I shouldn't have come here." The words stumble out of Azula's mouth, alien, barely hers. She slowly stands up, Ty Lee helping her.

Ozai watches his daughter leave. Perhaps he should have been kinder. But what reason does he have?

Zuko looks on sadly as Ty Lee helps the barely walking Azula out of the prison.

_Father loves you_, he wants to lie.

[X]

Azula is alone in her room as the moon is reaching its apex. Ty Lee is gone, thankfully. She sits on the edge of her bed, the scene with her father playing out incessantly. It is impossible to block out the tone of his voice as he spoke to her. He was all she had. All she had.

He was abusive. He was cruel. He did things to her that no father should. But all she fucking wanted was his approval, his love, in any form.

But it is always just out of her grasp.

She stands up, eyeing the window and door. Both locked and opaque. She looks at the stupid music box on her armoire. It was given to her by Ozai on her thirteenth birthday. Beautiful. She loved it, even though it was not her style. He never really knew her.

Her fourteenth birthday, he forgot. The Avatar had just been discovered three days previously, and everyone was occupied. No one even noticed. She fell asleep at the dining room table waiting for her father to eat dinner with her as he promised. But he forgot entirely. It simply slipped his mind. And he was unrepentant.

Deep breath. She has not done this in some time. Two fingers. Slide through the air. Lightning. Electricity. It is exhilarating. When she feels lightning, she does not remember doubts or fears or things that anger her. There is harmony, logic and clarity.

The only thing she understands is bending.

She guides it to the box and it erupts in flame from the bolt.

It plays one last, sad, melancholy note as it burns to a crisp and dies


	3. guilt

chapter three: guilt

* * *

_"Rolling in the muck is not the best way of getting clean."  
\- Aldous Huxley, Brave New World -  
_

* * *

"I'm sorry it didn't go well." Mother is at Azula's door again. Azula has been asleep for a record of twenty hours, and then it is interrupted by a prying Ursa, who Azula is getting a bit tired of trying not to punish for her old crimes. "I had hoped─"

"Don't lie to me!" Azula did not mean to have such an outburst. She looks at the armoire, under which she brushed the ashes of the music box, and is aware that she still does not have the restraint that she needs to have to stay out of the asylum or Boiling Rock. "You've always hated father!"

She hears the quiet footsteps of her mother walking away, defeated. Azula feels her stomach hurt slightly. It has been sore for days, and she does not know why. She cannot describe the feeling coming over her since she met with Ozai in his prison. It is not sadness, but it is not happy either. It is gross and Azula wants it to go away more than anything.

Ty Lee is five rooms away, in the throne room. Zuko is sitting with Iroh, playing Pai Sho. The game has always bored Ty Lee. Her thoughts are haunted by negative energy ─ that of the dark prison cell where she watched Azula crumble.

[X]

_Six years ago, on the hunt for Zuko, Azula and Ty Lee lie close together in their tent. The heat rising from their bodies intermingles and Ty Lee can feel small traces of arousal just from Azula's presence. And the princess looks slightly shattered, and has been murmuring things about her father in her restless sleep._

_"You don't look so good," Ty Lee murmurs, touching Azula's face, a gentle caress that Ty Lee is almost afraid to offer. Azula does not push her hand away, but she looks displeased. Mai is soundly asleep. "We'll get them. I know we will."_

_"You have a lot of faith in nothing," Azula snaps. They have been on the trail of Zuko forever. And the Avatar. But they keep messing up and Azula is not taking it well. She has never been used to losing. Often because people would throw the games in her favor._

_"You'll figure something out. You always do. You're like a genius!" Ty Lee says blithely and Azula sticks her tongue into her cheek. She lies down on her back as Ty Lee hovers over her. "Don't get so down on yourself."_

_It was the beginning of her descent. It started earlier than when things were going south, Ty Lee noticed._

_"I know that," Azula says, sighing. "I know I will. He gave me this task because he knew I can do it."_

_Her father again. The familial relationships between Zuko, Azula and Ozai have always made Ty Lee uncomfortable. And the relationship between Azula and Ozai made Ty Lee twice as uneasy._

_"Do you want to do this for you, or because you think it will make him love you?"_

_Azula turns over, ignoring Ty Lee._

_"You have no right to speak to me that way," Azula snarls and the romantic moment ends. "Remember your place."_

_Ty Lee just gazes at her as Azula tries to sleep._

[X]

"You're worried about her." Mai walks in, snapping Ty Lee out of her reverie.

"You're not?"

Mai shrugs. Yes, she _is _worried about Azula. She is very worried about Azula, but she is angry that the princess did not let her help when she offered it. Azula, in Mai's mind, deserves a bit of suffering after rejecting everyone who tried to help her, until someone with tits she was interested in came out of her island paradise.

Perhaps she is angrier at Ty Lee than she is at Azula.

"I think you're pretending you don't care," Ty Lee says and Mai is thrown off guard. Her friend has always been surprisingly astute, behind the ditsy exterior. But she did not think anyone saw through her. "Because you don't want to admit that you still like her. And that you're worried about her too."

Mai feels frustrated. "Okay, how am I supposed to like somebody who threw me into prison for kicks?"

Her voice falters. Ty Lee tries not to shout at her for being such a liar. Azula could better use Mai as a friend than an enemy.

"It's not like we suffered in there or anything. She _did_. You don't feel at all guilty for being a part of the decision that did that to her?" Ty Lee stands up and Mai steps back slightly. Her friend's cheeks are bright red and Zuko and Iroh's eyes are glued to the scene. "I find it hard to believe that you've forgotten how it used to be!"

"It's never going to be how it used to be. You're kidding yourself. You're playing with fire, Ty Lee. You always were," Mai says, moving into a fighting stance. Zuko stands up, ready to intervene. Iroh wins the game of Pai Sho as his nephew is distracted. "Trying to change her? Azula doesn't _want _to change and you should stop holding your breath."

"Have you even looked at what we did to her?" Tears are blossoming in Ty Lee's big eyes, causing them to sparkle in the red lamplight.

"_We _didn't do that to her!" Mai raises her voice and Zuko is stunned. "She screwed herself!"

"We were children. She was a child. And she was sick and we... Don't you even have a heart Mai?" Ty Lee feels the rage surging through her. She recalls the sensation of her hands against Azula, stopping her, knocking her backwards. Ty Lee sided with Mai. It was the right thing to do, but she never imagined it would end this way. "I chose the lesser of two evils when I sided with you at the Boiling Rock. But now I'm wondering if that was right."

Mai and Zuko are stunned into silence. In the shadows, golden eyes watch the argument. Iroh is the only one who notices that Azula was watching, before she disappears, sneaking back to her bedroom in total silence.

"I don't know why you have this sick infatuation with her!" Mai is still livid as Zuko puts his arm on her. She pushes him away. He bites down on his cheek. "You quit the Kyoshi Warriors? You don't think that this is going to blow up in your face? It _always does_!"

Ty Lee slowly walks away. She has her fists clenched tightly, but she is done arguing. Mai has been her best friend for so long, but now she wonders if the rift between them is endless. She walks towards the front porch and sits down, staring out at the Fire Nation. It is so happy and relieved now that Zuko is Fire Lord, Ursa has returned and the Avatar has brought balance. Ty Lee does not know why she cannot be happy like everyone else.

Mai losing it was out of this world. She never thought she could see her friend get so worked up. But Ty Lee... she caved in to anger too.

Someone sits down beside her. Iroh.

"You know, Ty Lee, there is something I have noticed about this world," he says and she turns to look at him. "Guilt has a way of consuming us. I felt that way so many times. I shouldn't tell you to let it go, but sometimes we have to make amends with ourselves for what we have done."

"Is that what you did with Zuko? When you went to go help him?" Ty Lee asks and Iroh nods. "How do you... how am I supposed to do this? Mai was right, wasn't she?"

"Mai is only right if you want her to be right. You've made some tough decisions. I hope it works out. For your sake, and for my niece's. But if it doesn't... don't let it ruin you." Iroh sits there in silence with her for some time. Often, Ty Lee does not understand him. But she thinks that he has a point.

Her guilt has consumed her.

[X]

"Hi." Ty Lee gently pushes open the door to Azula's bedroom, hit by the darkness and the musty scent as she enters.

Azula does not respond. She has not spoken since she met with her father, sending her recovery backwards several months. Ty Lee's heart races as she sits down beside her friend. Azula glances up at her, and then turns away.

"I don't want to talk right now," Azula breathes, sighing. "I mean, you can sit here quietly and admire me if you would like."

Ty Lee smiles faintly. Azula does not.

"You look very pretty," Ty Lee says and Azula rolls her eyes. "That used to really calm you down. Your eyes would get really scary and you would start throwing fire and lightning at people─"

"And you would say - 'You look really pretty, princess'." Azula is smirking now. "Or-or 'Fireballs mean 'I love you' in dragon language, princess'."

"I think it actually made it worse," Ty Lee whispers, giggling. Azula is laughing now too.

"Were we always so ridiculous?" Azula remarks, making eye contact with Ty Lee for the first time in a long time.

"I think so, princess."

"You're not supposed to call me that anymore, Ty Lee."

"That's what you're always going to be to me. Good luck changing that," Ty Lee says, touching Azula's hand. Azula's fingers slip away. _Damn._

"The name change was my choice." Startling. "I don't... look, just... I said I didn't want to talk."

It's getting pretty hard for Ty Lee to stay optimistic.

"He made a lot of mistakes like banishing me."

[X]

Azula wakes up in bed, not alone. She is startled at first, leaping up in fright.

"Ty Lee?" she demands, looking at her friend beside her. Azula has all three pillows under her head, and Ty Lee is drooling slightly on the mattress.

"Huh-what?" Ty Lee's eyes flutter open. She is startled to see Azula hovering over her. "We fell asleep. If you want me to leave..."

The door erupts with thunderous knocking. Zuko. Azula can tell from the feverishness of the bangs. He always has let his emotions rule him, which is why he is a failure. She is getting awfully tired of her brother being the Fire Lord. A sky-bison is more qualified. Azula would like to see that ─ the Avatar's sky-bison as Fire Lord. It would probably do better than Zuko, in her opinion.

"Azula!" Zuko shouts through the door.

Azula rises from bed, glancing back uncomfortably at Ty Lee. Her friend stretches abnormally and Azula shivers slightly. She opens the door.

"This better be pretty important, brother," Azula says, peering through the crack in the door.

"The Avatar is here to ─ Wait ─ Ty Lee?"

"Good morning, Zuko!" Ty Lee shouts and Zuko looks baffled.

"This is _not _what it looks like." Azula blushes bright red. Zuko's eyes are wide as he shuts the door. She swings it open and he shuts it again. Restraint. Restraint. Restraint. She opens it; he shuts it. She yanks open the door wide.

"I didn't mean to interrupt..." Zuko is suddenly flustered. Azula suppresses a smile. She likes watching people _squirm_.

"You weren't interrupting anything, because this is not what it looks like," Azula says sharply, though she somewhat enjoys Zuko's embarrassment.

"Well, um, once you get dressed, the Avatar is here to see you," Zuko says, averting his eyes. He walks away, a quickness in his step that amuses Azula.

"That was beautiful," she mutters, shutting the door again.

"I had a dream about you," Ty Lee says earnestly.

"That's what all the girls say," Azula mutters, pulling on a skirt and shirt that don't match.

[X]

_"You just almost cost me my throne! Because you are a tease! And-and a distraction!" Azula screams, the room ablaze in azure. "My _throne _is a thousand times more important than you!"_

_The sex was beautiful. Azula longs for it again as it is still echoing in her young body. But father does not want her to do it, and she wants the throne. She wants the throne much more than she wants the girl in front of her._

_"I don't understand..." Ty Lee says, chasing after her into oblivion. Peace and hate. Peace and hate._

_"You wouldn't." Azula is gone and Ty Lee bites back fierce tears._

[X]

As Ty Lee's thoughts are on her time when they returned with Zuko to the Fire Nation, Azula is thrust back into the first days she was removed from prison.

_"Is she ready to see me?" Aang asks, as Azula listens. All she does these days after coming into consciousness is listen, as she lies in bed and her mother tries to force her to regain strength. She feels stronger every day, but the nightmares never cease. She cannot stop the sounds of screaming, or the secret sobs from overtaking her._

_Last night she dreamt of her father. It was not one of the bizarre dreams, but one of the harsh memories. She woke up still with the sensation of his hands on her._

_"I think so, Aang," Ursa says smoothly and Azula sighs. Wonderful._

_Aang enters the room, overwhelmed by the darkness and the scent of sweat. He has grown a great deal in the past few years. His voice is deeper, his body matured. He has reflected on both the rights and wrongs of his past, and Azula was one of his wrongs._

_He let emotion control him. And he let the anger of his friends sway him into locking a child in prison. A mentally ill child, locked in prison. _

_"Hey," Aang says casually. He looks at Azula and is met with discomfort. She is half dressed and looks weak and exhausted. He remembers the first time they met ─ it was terrifying. And he recalls when she killed him. But now, he only feels pity for her. Pity and remorse. Aang believes he once feared her. "I've been meaning to talk to you. I let you out of prison."_

_"Oh, how generous of you," Azula snarls. Aang frowns. "And now you've come to take my bending, I'm assuming?"_

_Aang swallows. Yes. He looks at her closely. His heart aches._

_"I haven't."_

Shivering from the vivid memory, Azula walks into the living room. It is not quite a living room, per se, but it has always been used as one. Aang is waiting for her, sitting down as if he is resting on air, but instead on an antique chair. She crosses her arms.

_I don't owe him anything, _she has to continue to reassure herself.

"Sokka said that Ty Lee quit the Kyoshi Warriors," Aang says and Azula does not know quite how to respond. "He also said that you were up and around."

"Sokka would be correct." Her tone is sharp, but not as brutal as she wished it to be. _I don't owe him anything, _Azula repeats in her head.

"I wanted to make sure that our deal still stands," Aang states, as if he is oh so important. Azula feels sickened by his presence. _If only he had just stayed dead. My life would be ultimately easier._

"It does." She thinks of the music box and its sad, melting note. _I've kept my bargain... I know I have. I'm not lying. I'm not a liar. _"I won't disappoint, Avatar. And I'll try not to kill you again."

Aang smiles and her stomach twists. There is that inexplicable sensation again. Ick.

"I'll be in town a few days. That summit you, know." And with that, he is gone.

Keeps it short and simple, the Avatar. Azula turns around and sees Ty Lee standing behind her.

"What was he talking about?" Ty Lee asks softly and Azula bites her lip.

Wordlessly, she walks away, leaving her friend behind.

[X]

"She's so difficult," Ty Lee says to Iroh. He returns a strange expression that Ty Lee cannot read. "I just don't know what to do. One minute she's ─ then the next..."

Iroh smiles. "So I've noticed. She seems to enjoy your company."

Ty Lee's face screws up, confused. Iroh laughs.

He continues, "She seems to enjoy your company as much as my niece can. I think you are exactly what she needs, Ty Lee. Azula always struggled to make friends. And she never did learn how to treat people. But neither did her brother, but he grew so much with the right guiding hands. You could be that for Azula."

"It's really hard to stay positive, though." Ty Lee sets her chin on her knees.

She and Iroh are sitting in the courtyard, in the sun. He sits at a dilapidated Pai Sho table, and Ty Lee on the ground, amongst the flowers. They tickle her arms and legs pleasantly.

"I think you're doing a wonderful job being optimistic. It's pretty hard to stay that way in our surroundings," Iroh says, his last sentence groaning slightly. "I wouldn't encourage you if I thought it was impossible."

"Is Mai right? She's right too often..." Ty Lee sighs and lies down on her back, her palms turned up to the sun. "I don't know if I can do this."

"I think we've had this conversation before, Ty Lee."

"I know."

"You never were very kind to her," Ty Lee remarks and Iroh is startled. He knows he should not be surprised when Ty Lee makes an intelligent observation, but they tend to be very blunt. Iroh swallows. She might be right.

"I didn't understand her." _Excuses. I try to avoid excuses_.

"The way you would pit Zuko against her. And you never really tried to stop the Fire Lord from influencing her the way he did."

It hurt Iroh when he saw Azula in front of the prison cell. Watching her crumble at the sight of his brother, crying, pleading. He saw his mistakes in her. Iroh rubs his lips together in thought. Perhaps he did not like Azula because she was so much like Ozai.

"I shouldn't have." _("She's crazy and she's got to go down.") Did I think I was a child? Playing along with my nephew and his friends? I always loved Zuko more, even though I should not have. I never had a daughter; I never wanted one. _

"Maybe you should feel guilty too."

Silence.

[X]

Zuko exits the Summit, breathing a sigh of relief and scratching at his uncomfortable formal clothes. They have gotten onto the topics of foreign aid and other complicated decisions that could save or end lives. Those always make Zuko nervous, as strong as he appears to others.

"I don't think she's coming," Mai says to Suki. Sokka is asleep on a short stone wall, and Zuko is envious of him momentarily. "I think she meant it when she said she quit."

"Let her know she can still change her mind," Suki says, grabbing Sokka by the arm. He jolts awake and stumbles to his feet. "We'll see you tomorrow."

"I will not be doing that," Mai says as soon as Suki and Sokka are gone, turning around to face Zuko. "She's kind of touchy about this whole thing."

Zuko thinks of Mai actually getting fired up about something. And Ty Lee looking incredibly pissed with her eyes swollen with tears. The situation makes him uncomfortable. They looked ready to tear each other's throats out, and Zuko is finding Ty Lee's decision to be as perturbing as could be.

"Are you still mad?" Zuko asks as they start walking in the direction of the palace. Mai shrugs. "Not answering?"

"She can do whatever she wants to," Mai says sharply, looking mildly displeased. "If she wants to take all the blame, she can feel free."

"I felt guilty too," Zuko says and Mai is stunned. He was the one, after all, who caved into pressure and imprisoned Azula. "Seeing my mother carrying her. She looked like a corpse. I was the one who suggested we lock her up."

Mai stops walking and Zuko moves a few steps before catching on. He turns around.

"What else were we going to do with her? Ask her very nicely to calm down and not kill us? Everybody is so _guilty_. Except for her. You notice that? Except for Azula. She feels nothing for what she did." Mai starts walking again, this time a few steps ahead of her husband. It is killing her how much she still cares about Azula, when she knows that she should not. And all of the guilty people around her are just making it more difficult for Mai.

Zuko cringes and tries to catch up with her. "Maybe that's why we're better than her."

Mai shrugs.

[X]

"I washed your clothes." Ursa enters Azula's bedroom. Azula is sitting on the windowsill, the curtains open. She watches the world outside; it is a world that is no longer hers.

"You didn't have to. We have servants," Azula replies and her mother looks sad. Ursa always was sad. Not a particular _kind _of sad, like actively crying or being angry. She was the kind of sad that just _is_.

"I thought it would be nice. I was going to fix your hair too. You always had such beautiful hair." Ursa does not know why Azula tenses like she does. Azula feels like she is going to vomit; she wants to blame her mother, but deep down she knows that there is no way Ursa could know.

"You can try... mother," Azula says, forcing the words out though they desperately want to remain inside of her lips. She sits, staring out of the window, as her mother sets a pile of clothes on Azula's bed, and withdraws a comb and gilded scissors. "You're going to... cut it? Are you qualified for that?"

"Azula, you look like a hermit," Ursa says. Restraint. Restraint. Restraint.

"If you insist," she mutters, digging her fingers into the windowsill. _Chop_. It takes a few cuts before her hair is back to falling at her waist. Her mother starts to comb through it as Azula squirms. It hurts like Hell. "Watch. What. You're. Doing!"

Restraint. Azula feels a surge of heat in her fingertips and desperately tries to calm it. _No, don't. Don't. Not here. Not now._ It cools.

Ursa finally finishes it. "Now, I can run a bath for you."

"I'm nineteen. I can bathe myself," Azula snarls, trying not to lose control.

"You haven't," Ursa says and Azula struggles with her anger. No one ever taught her to control her feelings. "Azula, I'm worried about you."

"You could have been worried about me when they threw me into prison. Or perhaps you were just too occupied by the golden child coming to rescue you. It was easier to pretend I didn't exist." Azula stands up. Ursa averts her eyes. "I blame you."

"That's ridiculous and you know it. I have always loved you, Azula."

No restraint. The table on the other side of the room is alit in blue flames.

Ursa's eyes widen.


	4. unrequited

chapter four: unrequited

* * *

_Help me to carry the fire_  
_We will keep it alight together_  
_Help me to carry the fire_  
_This road can't go on forever  
"No Sound But the Wind" - Editors_

* * *

Ursa is speechless. She has kept many secrets in her life. And she has seen many things that she should not have seen. Most prominently, the things her husband did to her children. She stood idly by and did nothing. Zuko scarred. Azula... worse. And now she stands there, motionless, as Azula kneels over with dry heaves.

The table is still burning, aflame and blatantly so. There is no pretending that it didn't happen, and that terrifies Ursa. Ursa thinks for a moment to put it out, but instead she grabs her daughter, breathing in and hoping Azula will be alright with it. Azula pushes her away, her fingers alit, bright blue. She does not want her mother's _pity_ that she seems to be receiving so much of.

"I thought the Avatar..."

"You ─ (gasp) ─ thought ─ (choke) ─ wrong."

[X]

_Ursa watches her daughter firebend. It's impressive, to say the least. Azula has a certain control that Zuko lacks. She dances with it, gracefully. Brilliant orange flames lighting up the sky, incinerating particles of dust. She has such infinite talent, and it impresses all who meet her._

_"Zuko needs me more than you do," she whispered mere nights ago, though her daughter is asleep. "I hope you know that."_

_"Did you like it, mother?" Azula asks, running to her mother. She presses her hands on Ursa's knees. One of her front teeth is missing._

_Azula tends to neglect Ursa, and she feels flattered by the attention. And Azula waits expectantly for the acknowledgment of her mother, acknowledgment like she gets from her father and grandfather._

_"It was beautiful." Across the courtyard, Zuko trips and starts to cry. Ursa stands up, leaving Azula behind and runs to console her son._

_She does not see Azula's face fall as she leaves._

[X]

Ursa holds Azula as her daughter's stomach stops convulsing. She wipes the sweat from Azula's forehead and Azula barely moves. She looks grey and ill. Ursa's heart hurts, but Azula would never believe it. She touches her gently and Azula still does not move.

"What happened?" she whispers, as the flaming table burns to the floor and fizzles out. Azula watches it, her expression twisting and contorting. _Why did I neglect her? Why? Because she is exactly like her father. That's why, _Ursa thinks as she studies Azula's panicked face.

"Don't tell anyone. Please," Azula whispers, her voice broken, her tone futile. If any of those fucking leaders or dignitaries find out she can still bend, Zuko's hand will be forced to lock her up again. He and Aang said that she could come out about it later, once people were ready to accept her. And Azula begrudgingly agreed.

"I would never. Azula, speak to me." Ursa feels worried. Azula still looks sick, her arms wrapped around herself. Her mother stands back slightly, fingers trembling. What she witnessed could be the end of her daughter, and she wishes she had not seen. She wishes she had not seen it like she wishes she had not seen so many other things.

Azula sits down, half on her mother's lap. She feels like a child, though she cannot recall her mother ever holding her, save for carrying her out of the Broiling Rock. She rests her head on Ursa's shoulder, still reeling from the fit of dry heaves. The sensation of suffocating, the lack of control over her body. It killed her. She still feels weak. _Weakness; that's all I ever experience anymore, isn't it?_

"You're safe," Ursa says, as she wishes she could have said before.

"I once read," Azula says hoarsely, "that when you reach out for your mother, and she does not reach back, it really screws you up."

Silence. "I think I read that once too."

_"My own mother thought I was a monster," Azula says, almost slipping up, almost revealing too much. "She was right of course, but it still hurt."_

_Honesty is a bitch._

[X]

Ty Lee is focused intently on her game of Pai Sho. She had to learn how to play at school, but Iroh is showing her a handful of new moves. It has become a pleasant part of their day to day life. Iroh is impressed that he manages to hold her attention on one thing for so long.

"Sokka and Suki are leaving today," Ty Lee remarks as Iroh beats her for the second time in a row. "I almost want to go with them."

Iroh pauses, clearing the board and redistributing the pieces. Ty Lee picks up one tile and studies it intently.

"I used to have a thing for Sokka," she remarks, smiling. Iroh laughs heartily. "I'm over him, obviously. I still think he's pretty cute, though."

"Tell me why you don't have yourself some nice young man, if that's not too old fashioned of me," Iroh says, taking a sip of his tea. Ty Lee has not touched hers.

She frowns and fidgets uncomfortably. Iroh worries that he has upset her, and opens his mouth to ask further.

"I was always in love with somebody else," Ty Lee says softly and Iroh knows to leave it alone. "I think she loved me back, and we dated and got so close. But then... I don't think she loved me at all. Is that silly? Was I dumb to think she really loved me?"

Iroh had not pegged Ty Lee for being in love with another girl. He certainly has no problem with it; he is far more progressive than most men his age. But it startles him nonetheless.

"Unrequited love is like winter. Cold and merciless," he says and Ty Lee is startled. He laughs, slightly uncomfortably. "I have had my fair share of lost loves. It's inevitable by my age. But you're still young. It's not Mai, is it?"

Ty Lee laughs. "Do you really think I could be with someone with such a grey aura?"

He shrugs. "It was worth asking." They continue their game. "Are you going to finish your tea?"

Ty Lee passes it to him with a warm smile from her coral pink lips.

[X]

Ursa cannot sleep. She lies awake, staring at the ceiling. The blue fire replays over and over again behind her eyes. _Why would she lie? Well, that's rhetorical. Azula always lies. But... No... Just don't overthink it._

She stands up and walks down the hallway. As she predicted, Iroh is awake, sipping tea.

"You always had insomnia," she remarks, and he looks up at her.

_Unrequited love is like winter. Cold and merciless._

"And so did you," Iroh replies, studying her closely. Something is amiss, but he cannot put his finger on what. They are both old now, and both jaded. The world they once knew has died, but a better one has come to be. They should be happy, but, for some reason, Ursa looks persistently haunted. "What's wrong?"

"I should have done something." She sits down and Iroh has no clue what she is talking about. But he senses that she just needs to listen. "Thank you for helping with Zuko. Helping him when I could not."

"It was the right thing to do," Iroh says earnestly, setting down his teacup. There is more on her mind; she has already thanked him a thousand times for being Zuko's mentor.

"She's right. I did abandon her. But not in the way she meant."

Silence. Iroh wishes he could protest, but Ursa is right.

"I told the Avatar to let her go. I made... I made a deal with him. I'm the reason Azula can't..." _Well, obviously something went wrong_. _Should I be happy or sad?_

"Azula was never a nice girl. But I think we all played a role in her descent. It was the best decision to take away her bending," Iroh says and Ursa's stomach twists. She thought so too. Everyone thought so.

"I think it's my fault."

"She has a way of making people shoulder blame that belongs to her," Iroh says and Ursa feels momentarily angry. _We both loved Zuko more. We did. But how can he turn against Azula? How could I?_

"I left without saying goodbye."

Silence.

"I think that is more of a failing than taking from her what she didn't deserve," Iroh remarks, hoping it does not wound her. But she does not show pain.

Silence. Silence. Silence.

[X]

"Are you okay?" Ty Lee asks gently, touching Azula's shoulder. She crawls into her bed, having invited herself in. She passed Ursa and Iroh on her way in, and predicts that Azula had a fight with her mother. She notices that something is off about the room, but she cannot put her finger on it.

"Yes."

"Are you lying?"

"No."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes."

They lie beside each other in silence. "I heard that the most common lie is, 'I'm fine.'"

"Did you hear me say that?"

"No. You don't always have to be so rough," Ty Lee murmurs, pulling the blankets over herself. Their bodies are close, almost touching, but not quite. She touches her hand to Azula's hip and Azula does not move. "Sometimes people actually want to help you."

_Unrequited love is like winter. Cold and merciless._

"If they wanted to, they never tried," Azula says softly, she moves slightly closer to Ty Lee. Ty Lee's heart races, beating out of control. This moment, if she could capture it, she would savor it forever. Azula's walls crumbling, their hands touching. But it is all a diversion. Fake walls. Ty Lee has always desired for Azula to open up, and, to rescue her from her mother's wrath and the consequences of her flames, she does as Ty Lee desires. "Sometimes I was jealous of your family."

"I was ignored," Ty Lee whispers earnestly.

"So was I." Closer together now. Ty Lee swallows, her mouth dry. "You know, you're the only person who has asked me if I'm okay since I got out of prison."

"How?" Ty Lee is astounded. Her thoughts are removed slightly from the shared heat and the rushing blood.

"I've made myself more enemies than friends." Azula turns away with dramatic flair. "You betrayed me. You and Mai both."

Ty Lee recoils and sinks further into the mattress. "Are you ever going to forgive me?"

"No. It's your fault that I'm a failure," Azula snaps.

"Princess..."

"You're not─"

"Supposed to call you that anymore. I know," Ty Lee says quietly, touching Azula's hand. She does not pull away. _I love you. Say it. I love you. Say it. _"I think that was my worst mistake."

"Well, I'm glad we agree." Azula feels that twisting sensation in her stomach again. It is most unwelcome, beyond unwanted. _Why am I feeling this way?_

"You have to understand where we were coming from." Ty Lee feels oddly desperate.

"No. No, I do. Mai wanted to fuck my brother, and you love her more than me," Azula says sharply, her voice bitter and venomous. She throws her pretend empathy over her shoulder and spits on it. The bitch struck a nerve. Ty Lee feels sore. "And I _unraveled_. I only trusted two people─"

"You tried to control us. But we would have followed you regardless." Ty Lee sounds more defensive than she would like to. Azula snorts derisively.

"I find that hard to believe," Azula snaps, edging away from Ty Lee. Ty Lee grabs her and pulls her close. Azula, oddly, does not resist. "You would do it again if you had to."

"We were on the wrong side."

"We were on the losing side," Azula corrects ferociously and passionately, surprised at her own vehemence.

Silence. Ty Lee closes her eyes and leans in close to her friend. Azula lies there, mute, stewing in her own anger. She resents Ty Lee, she loathes Mai and everyone decided to screw her over. And now her mother knows that she can still firebend. Soon, she will probably be imprisoned again. And this time, she will not be a pitiful, mentally ill child.

"I'm lonely, Ty Lee." It came out of nowhere. Azula has never... opened like this. But she feels the need to. Her days, now that Ursa has seen her secret, feel numbered.

"Me too," Ty Lee murmurs. "I've never been lonely with somebody else before."

The silence after that is sweet.

"You know, I... I appreciate you making amends," Azula says, swallowing her pride and telling the most shameful of lies. This may be her only chance. "Maybe... I should be more forgiving."

The tyrant Ty Lee once served has changed. Neither is sure if it is for better or worse, but Azula has matured. She tries so hard to be the same, but there are definitely distinct differences in her behavior.

Azula... if she surrenders... she would never surrender. She smirks slightly at one of her early altercations with Zuko. She believes it was her first with the Avatar, if she remembers correctly. Those were truly the days.

"If you were to forgive me..."

Mai's voice appears in Ty Lee's head. _We should be forgiving her, not her forgiving us. _Ty Lee swallows.

"You know what?" Azula interjects. "I will."

_Kiss her, _Ty Lee's heart begs. But instead, she lies there, alone with someone beside her. It feels right. Lonely together, united together... hopeful. Ty Lee has hope for Azula, and that is something that can never be taken away.

Ty Lee falls for Azula's lies so easily. It would be irresponsible of Azula _not _to trick her. Or at least _impossible_. Perhaps, Azula decides, she has a gullible little ally and she can speed up this acceptance Zuko and Aang spoke of.

[X]

That night, Azula wakes up screaming hysterically, as she often does. She is drenched in cold sweat and shivering, having dragged herself out of the nightmare she inhabited and feeling no relief.

The door bursts open and Azula is stunned; that has never happened before.

Ty Lee walks in, panting, "Are you okay? I heard you scream."

Azula stares at her for a moment, unsure what to make of this. Her eyes gleam in the dark as she examines the worried acrobat and finally says, "Just a nightmare."

[X]

Ursa is conflicted. The right thing to do would be to tell Zuko. But betraying her daughter feels wrong. The sun has come up and Iroh is prepared to return to the Earth Kingdom. He has a tea shop to run, after all. This is his final day in the Fire Nation. Ty Lee is saying goodbye to him, as the two have grown strangely close. He has another day or two here, but his presence will be missed.

She wishes she had him to tell her what to do.

"Mother," Zuko says from behind her, "is something bothering you?"

_Choose. I have to choose. I have always had to choose._

"No, Zuko." _I'm a liar now, aren't I? Then again, I always was._

She supposes she has to choose her battles. The moment when she saw Azula firebend has forever changed her. The Avatar said he removed her bending, and Azula wailed about it.

_"You're acting like a two year old, Azula!" Ursa snaps and Azula sniffs in regally._

_"Maybe I want to act like a two year old!" she shrieks back, throwing herself onto her bed. And Ursa leaves her. She always leaves her._

Her daughter had a penchant for lying. That comes with being raised in a broken home. Zuko was always more resilient. But Ursa has forgotten what it was like to not know what Azula truly meant when she spoke, seeing as Azula only started talking again a few days ago. And now... she wonders how long the charade has gone on, and how long it will continue.

_"There are some things that cannot be hidden, Ozai," Ursa says, her voice shaking. Why can she not stand up to him? Why?_

_"I think you're wrong," is his response, and Ursa is silenced._

Ty Lee wakes up to the early morning light. Azula has left her curtains open, and the two of them lie in bed together. She looks at the princess, still asleep, and then up at the outdoors. It is beautiful out, and the sun reflects magnificently on Azula's skin.

Slowly, Ty Lee walks her fingers up Azula's arm, the sunlight in her eyes.

"What are you doing?" comes Azula's voice, groggy and confused. Ty Lee jerks back her hand.

"Nothing," she murmurs, the pleasant morning long gone. _I shouldn't have done that. Why am I so stupid?_

"It felt nice..." Azula is not fully conscious, or Ty Lee is certain she would not say such a thing.

"Let's do something today," Ty Lee whispers and Azula does not respond. Her lips are slightly parted, her eyes closed. "All you ever do is sleep."

"Nothin' else to do..." She trails off again.

"Well, let's find something to do." Ty Lee stands up, removing herself from the bed with vigor. She reaches her toes up to her fingers and stretches. "Come on!"

"Where would we go? People _stare_..." She is asleep once more.

"Come on. It'll be fun. We'll get lunch and walk around. When's the last time you were out of the palace?" Ty Lee asks, and immediately regrets it.

"Before the Avatar's cronies sent me to prison." She is suddenly very awake.

"I'm getting..." Ty Lee doesn't finish her sentence. _I'm getting tired of the woe is me attitude, princess. _

"You're getting what? What?" Azula snaps, sitting up. The blankets shift with her slender body. Ty Lee tries not to follow her form too closely with her eyes.

Ty Lee's thoughts are spinning. _Maybe you should think about the victims of you. Not the ones you burned and banished; the ones you never listened to. I wish I didn't love you. I wish that I didn't feel obliged to pick up your pieces. Here I am again, after so many years, still cleaning up Princess Azula's messes with a smile on my face. It's no wonder that Mai bailed._

"If you want to come, you can. That's all." Ty Lee leaves the room, taking a deep breath on her way out.

[X]

_Outside of Ba Sing Se, the oh-so-promising drill project is a failure._

_"You look very pretty, princess!" Ty Lee shouts as Azula looks as if she is having a conniption. Lightning flashes. They are covered in wall sludge, drenched in beige, dripping liquid, and Azula is throwing fire and lightning about like it is a holiday._

_"Smooth..." Mai murmurs, smirking. She can see their mutual crush, how they are in love with her._

_She actually thinks it is kind of cute, as scary as that thought is._

[X]

"I had an excellent day," Ty Lee says blithely, bursting into Azula's room. She has moved in, much to Azula's dismay. Her things are like mud atop of Azula's prettier things. The dusty corners are now stacked with alien belongings.

"Good for you. I took five naps." Azula rolls over, dragging the blankets over her head. _I don't need this._

"It would have been better if you had come." Ty Lee leaps into the bed and it barely moves with her weight. Azula falls further into the indent made by her incessant sleeping.

"I had a nice day too. Here with my bed. See, my bed never talks back. It never betrays me. It never falls in love with my brother or water peasants. My bed loves me. My bed is my best friend," Azula says, tapping on the mattress pointedly. Ty Lee fights the urge to frown.

"Do you want to come to dinner? It's your uncle's last night here before he goes back to Ba Sing Se," Ty Lee offers feebly, though she knows the answer will be no.

"I guess." Azula stands up, startling Ty Lee. She was not expecting Azula to be so malleable.

In all honesty, Azula just wants to make sure that Ursa does not let anything slip. The secret of her bending is far too delicate to place in the hands of her mother. Staying in bed was not the answer ─ making sure her mother does not say anything is much more effective.

"That's great." Ty Lee grabs Azula's hand, feeling a jolt of invisible electricity that Azula does not experience.

The family sits at the dinner table, looking disgustingly _quaint_. Zuko is trying to make Mai laugh and finding it futile. Uncle is telling some _boring _story that Azula does not have to hear to know she will not like.

"I hate these people so much," Azula mutters and Ty Lee purses her lips together. She struggled with familial issues of her own, as did Mai, but Azula always found hers to be worse.

They sit down and are welcomed warmly. Ty Lee wonders how Azula can still look so utterly pissed when these people (save for, perhaps, Mai) are trying to invite her into their lives. They _want _her to be with them, for some reason, and she spurns them for little other reason than grudges.

"Azula," Ursa says and Azula's heart starts to beat quickly like when she worries she will be caught in a lie. Her mind starts working doubly hard to come up with any excuse to save her from the sticky situation. "I've made a decision."

Azula claps sarcastically and Ty Lee cringes. "Well done, mother."

"This is going to be good," Mai whispers to Zuko and Ty Lee feels nervous. Azula does not take bad news well.

"Zuko is sending you to Ba Sing Se to stay with your uncle," Ursa says and Azula's eyes bulge to a frightening proportion.

"You're what?"


	5. envy

chapter five: envy

* * *

_"Caress the serpent that devours us until it has eaten away our heart."  
\- Voltaire, Candide -  
_

* * *

"You're what?" Azula repeats, her gilded eyes flashing in utter shock and revulsion.

"I think it's best for you. You're out of bed now and Zuko, Iroh, Aang and I have been talking and we believe it's the next step in your recovery," Ursa says. Restraint. Restraint. Restraint. She looks as if she expects Azula to light the table ablaze. And Azula thinks she just _might_. "We think you need to get out of the palace and be in fresh surroundings in order to get past some of the memories that are holding you back."

"The next step in my recovery. Like locking me up in a loony bin? Or-or the upgrade to prison!" Azula screams and Ty Lee flinches as if something were thrown at her.

"Azula, no one intends to hurt you," Iroh explains warmly and Azula gives him a look that could suffocate a man. Ozai's glare. "You'll find Ba Sing Se just as comfortable as the Fire Nation. If not more so."

"B-but my bed is _here_. In the Fire Nation. I belong here." Azula looks like she is about to faint. Zuko takes great pleasure in watching Azula flounder, eyes wide, purring tone distinctly missing. Her icy demeanor has completely disappeared, and her composure is out of the window. He almost wants to cheer, like she did when he was scarred and banished.

As much as he loves her, this is entertaining. Their rivalry goes to unheard of lengths, but the love for each other runs deep. He was the one who refused to stand down during the meetings about what to do for her. He was the one who refused to let her bending be taken away, and Aang was the only one who agreed with him.

But... he can enjoy her outburst if he wants to.

"There are beds in the Earth Kingdom too," Ursa says sweetly and Azula's eye twitches. She looks as if she would raze the dining room to the ground with bending, and it is killing her that she cannot. Fuck this promise to the Avatar.

"I doubt it. They probably sleep in the dirt," Azula snaps, crossing her arms. She inhales sharply to keep from doing more. Ty Lee gulps. "If-if you send me away, I'll jump off the ship and drown and then you'll feel terrible!"

"That's a chance I'm willing to take," Ursa says calmly and Azula's jaw drops.

"You are _horrible_. You are a _horrible _person! You can't just disappear and then come back and start ordering people around!" Azula stands up, throwing half of the dishes of the table onto the floor. Ty Lee is splashed with lukewarm soup. "I will destroy all of you!"

"Watch out. She'll destroy us, guys. I think we should lay off," Mai remarks mockingly and Azula shoots her a wicked glare. Mai shakes her head slowly as Zuko nudges her disapprovingly.

"I'm an adult," Azula says, the realization slowly coming over her. "You can't make me do anything I don't want to do."

"Well, actually, the Avatar put you in our custody," Ursa says calmly and Zuko nods. He _knows _he should not like this so much.

"This is the worst day of my entire life!" Azula shrinks with a long, melodramatic sigh. "You're just-just sending me away forever like that? Are you going to make me horribly deformed like Zuko? Are you?"

Zuko touches his scar self-consciously. He leans in to Mai and whispers, "Am I horribly deformed?"

"Azula," Iroh interjects as she starts hyperventilating, "no one is sending you away forever. You can come back if you're unhappy."

"Well, I'm pretty sure I'm going to be unhappy," Azula says, though she eases up slightly. "You people should have clarified that it wasn't forever! Now I look like a total lunatic."

"Just give it a try," Ursa urges and Azula contemplates her options. She examines her mother closely, the secret shared between them blatant and raw. Is this a punishment for revealing her bending remains? Or is it really just a misguided attempt to make up for being an absent mother? Neither of them is sure.

"You know what... I... I will..." Azula says, giving up. She hates surrendering, but she also thinks she has no choice. Best to go out with dignity.

"Am I, Mai?" Zuko repeats, a little louder.

"No, no, of course not." Mai waves her hand dismissively with a slight smirk.

"I'll come with you," Ty Lee offers and Azula does not reveal that she likes that idea.

"I wonder if my Earth Kingdom disguise still fits," Azula says, suddenly completely collected, standing up and leaving the dining room, in all its carnage, behind.

"Are you sure you want to do this, Uncle?" Zuko asks with a small groan and Iroh nods slowly.

He has his problems with Azula. She burnt him in the chest years ago. Attempted to kill his nephew time and time again. Zuko was like a son to Iroh, and Azula, the shadow of a lurking enemy. She is conniving, twice as much as her father. And every time he looks at her, he sees Ozai.

But he believes in second chances. And he will give Azula her second chance.

[X]

Azula is packing. It makes her arms hurt and she is still seething over the decision made. _How dare they just _send _me away like that? They have no right_, plagues her thoughts.

"Need any help?" Ty Lee turns up at the most inconvenient of times. Azula rolls her eyes and sits down.

"You can do it for me," Azula purrs, gesturing at the half packed trunk.

Ty Lee is aware that she is not asking; she is ordering. Though her hair lacks a crown, and she keeps correcting Ty Lee, she still is a prissy princess all the time. Hoping this will improve Azula's mood, she starts packing Azula's things into the mahogany toned trunk.

"I think it can be fun," Ty Lee says and Azula does not respond. "Get out. Explore."

"Explore the city that should have been mine..." Azula murmurs and Ty Lee swallows. This seems to be the root of all of Azula's misery; that she considered herself destined for greatness, and then had it swept away from beneath her feet. She sought to impress her father and failed. Her brother was her greatest enemy; Ty Lee always noticed the small smile whenever Zuko was unhappy or in pain. Every chance for the throne she took, even if it meant sacrificing everything. Because nothing she did was enough, though Azula will not admit it. "We won it. We won it fairly."

"Sometimes things don't work out," Ty Lee offers feebly and Azula throws the black pillow off of the back of her bed. It is about twice her size and rubs her fingers raw as she tosses it to the other side of the room. Ty Lee sucks in her cheeks.

"I did _everything_ right," Azula says, livid. "I don't know why it wasn't good enough. Why I was never good enough. And now my brother is Fire Lord and his pasty little children will be rulers of the nation and I will fade into obscurity."

Ty Lee snickers.

"What? What's so funny?" Azula crosses her arms and Ty Lee nearly drops the shirt she is holding.

"His pasty little children..." She is grinning and Azula sighs.

Azula sits on her trunk of belongings and picks up a make-up bag sitting in front of her. Ty Lee had packed it against Azula's will. She opens it and finds familiar possessions. Walking to the mirror, she applies it to her face. The strokes are natural to her, as they once were. She supposes one never forgets how to apply their eye-makeup.

Inside the make-up bag, buried behind baffling lotions, is a small golden crown. Azula's heart beats a little faster. She picks it up and examines it in the dim light. Gradually, checking the door to make sure no one is barging in, she ties it up into her hair.

"Not bad, princess," she murmurs to herself. Her former glory, restored with a little bag of beauty products.

"You look really scary ─ I mean ─ pretty." Ty Lee appears from behind and Azula jumps, the bag falling to the floor.

"I would also accept the first," Azula says, standing up slowly. A red and gold robe replaces clothing, but she looks like the princess that Ty Lee once knew. The too-short kimono robe moves slightly across Azula's chest and Ty Lee looks away with a little too much ferocity. "What? Is it that bad?"

"No. You look wonderful," Ty Lee says, smiling too fiercely.

Azula examines her with great scrutiny and Ty Lee squirms slightly. "Alright."

"You command a lot more respect with the crown and the eyeliner," Ty Lee says and then mentally pinches herself. "That came out wrong."

"I'll probably have to lose it once we go live amongst the peasants," Azula says bitterly, reaching up towards the crown. Ty Lee moves forward with her unnatural swiftness and stops Azula's hand. Restraint. Restraint. Restraint.

"You should keep it for a little while," Ty Lee says, trembling slightly. She does not know why she still fears Azula.

"If you insist," Azula purrs, trying to mask her smile. _I kind of like it. I do. _

"Azula," comes the voice of her uncle and she sticks her tongue out pointedly. Ty Lee suppresses a smirk, "we need to be going now."

"The sun isn't even up yet," Azula replies, thrusting her arms into the air. "I'm not even wearing any clothes."

Azula picks up another dress that is too short and too loose. Ty Lee thinks with bright excitement about going clothes shopping with Azula in Ba Sing Se. She slides on shoes, a battered pair of flats.

"It's a long journey. But if you aren't ready..." Iroh says through the door and Azula slumps her shoulders.

_Why is he so fucking accommodating? _Azula thinks as she suppresses the urge to roll her eyes.

"We're ready, Azula's Uncle!" Ty Lee exclaims and Azula sighs. _Fuck this_, Azula thinks when she hears Ty Lee's words.

Azula tosses her make-up bag at Ty Lee and gestures to her trunk. Ty Lee glances at it, then to Azula, baffled.

"What? Do you...? Oh." Ty Lee puts the make-up bag inside of the trunk and picks it up. _I shouldn't have packed it so densely_, Ty Lee thinks to herself in frustration. "So... I'm carrying your things?"

"Yes," Azula says regally, and Ty Lee supposes she should be happy that the princess is not a puddle of misery.

But she did not miss being ordered around.

[X]

_Five years ago, Azula is barely tolerating her brother sucking on her best friend's face half of the time. They flop around like eel-sharks. And it only makes Azula's uncomfortable sexual feelings for her other best friend all the worse._

_"Could you two do that elsewhere?" Azula walks into the parlor of the Fire Nation Palace to find her brother sucking on Mai's face._

_"We were here first," Zuko growls at his sister and Mai sighs._

_"Yes, but this an open space that anyone can walk into. That... whatever that is should be done behind one of the multitude of closed doors," Azula says, gesturing around her pointedly._

_Zuko has returned to the Fire Nation for the first time in years and he has already latched onto Mai. It is utterly repulsive, in Azula's opinion. Zuko's mind is on his father telling him he is proud of him, of the fact that he won the war, got the girl and came home. But also on his imprisoned uncle and the fact that Azula decided to give him credit for her failure in guise of helping him._

_"She's right," Mai says and Azula smiles. Zuko hates her smirk, and its smugness; tiny and unwelcome. "Come on."_

_Mai grabs Zuko by the arm and pulls him out of the room. He stumbles after her as they slip behind the closed doors of the library. It is filled with dusty books worth a fortune, discussing the glory of the Fire Nation. No one comes in here anymore. His mother used to._

_"I feel kind of like the books are watching us," Mai says, looking around as she falls onto Zuko's lap. "And the dust..."_

_"You are a constant downer, huh?" Zuko kisses her neck._

_"It's what I do best," Mai says, undoing Zuko's shirt._

_Azula sits down on the sofa that her brother and friend were not canoodling on and Ty Lee appears._

_"No rest for the wicked," Azula murmurs, before looking up at Ty Lee and leaning back._

_"Where did Mai go?"_

_"She's with my brother in the other room. I kicked them out."_

_"Is this like when Mai arrived to untangle my braid but my hair wasn't even braided that day?" Ty Lee asks and Azula closes her eyes. I don't have the time or energy for this. "Why do you try to kill their love? I've never seen Mai so happy before."_

_"I'm not trying to _kill their love_. It's gross. Love is for pretty people, anyway."_

_Princess Azula, beautiful and clever... _

_"That's not very nice," Ty Lee mutters and Azula pretends not to hear her. "You've been particularly happy lately too. It's nice."_

_"Of course I have. The Avatar is dead and I'm back home," Azula says, smiling faintly._

_"You know, I'm not nearly as smart as you or anything, so, correct me if I'm wrong, but... Zuko is back too. And the Fire Lord is all happy with Zuko. Doesn't that mean that now he's going to be Fire Lord?"_

_Azula's smile disappears in an instant and Ty Lee flinches as if someone threw something at her._

_"Just wait. Things work out for me. They always do."_

_The Avatar will inevitably show up. And then, then Azula will have her one true love._

_The throne of the Fire Nation. _

_Ty Lee moves towards her, sliding her thumbs up to her sleeves and stripping her clothes off. Azula smirks, a small, wicked twist of her rosy lips. And slowly, Ty Lee walks to her, situating herself on the princess's lap, pressing her lips against Azula's as Azula digs her sharp fingernails into Ty Lee's back._

_Instead of a whimper of pain, Ty Lee responds with a moan. _

_And Azula allows her arousal to take over._

[X]

"Things work out for you, princess, they always do," Ty Lee says honestly as they sit in the belly of a steel ship. Water drips from a grate, green and disgusting. Azula sits down on the bed and finds it harsh and uncomfortable. She would rather sleep on rocks like the Earth Kingdom peasants.

"I can't remember the last time that was true," Azula says, Ty Lee dropping the princess's trunk on the floor. She pushes it against the wall tightly.

Her uncle walks into the tiny room and Azula feels ill.

"Oh, is it everybody crowd Azula in her stupid underwater bedroom day?" Azula snaps and her uncle smiles in response. Restraint. Restraint. Restraint.

"I was just checking in," her uncle explains gently. "Your hair looks nice. The crown suits you, Azula."

Azula bites her tongue. Ty Lee grins and says, "It does. She's the prettiest girl I know."

_Well, obviously_, Azula thinks.

"Ty Lee, I have a room for you across the hall. Unless you'd prefer staying with Azula," Uncle says smoothly, gesturing through the door. Ty Lee hesitates.

"I guess that's up to the princess."

_You're not supposed to call me that anymore, Ty Lee, _the acrobat remembers.

"This room wasn't built for _two_," Azula says through clenched teeth.

"We gave you the Captain's Quarters," Uncle says, looking at her disapprovingly. As if he isn't as stuck up as her. Then again, Zuko was perfectly happy with these accommodations for three long years.

"Well we don't pay them enough to live like cramped savages," Azula says, lying down. Uncle gives this gentle sigh that makes her want to burn him alive. Lightning right through his double chin.

"It's fine. I'll stay wherever is most convenient," Ty Lee says blithely and Azula rolls her eyes.

"Does the door have a lock?" Azula asks.

[X]

The third night at sea, Azula is struck by a panic attack. They are regular for her, and often she had to work through them on her own as she remained locked in her bedroom.

She gasps for breath, feeling her body betray her, feeling her fingers tremble. As she gazes into the mirror and splashes herself with cold water, she sees bruises on her neck. _Bruises_. And her heart is thudding.

Azula vomits into the sink and feels even more ill as she gasps and curses. And the door opens.

"Are you alright?" Ty Lee asks, just like the night she came in when Azula woke up screaming.

"It's (gasp) _nothing_," Azula chokes and Ty Lee walks to her, rubbing her back.

"I'm here," Ty Lee says softly, and, oddly, it is consoling.

[X]

_Five years ago, Ty Lee wakes up at dawn, walking through the garden. It's so pretty here, and she hates the idea of going home. Her house was never a home, hence why she was that horror story of a well educated well indoctrinated Fire Nation girl who joined the circus. The sun is barely up and no one else is awake. She touches the pretty red flowers. She is so happy that the Avatar is dead and everybody is so pleased. Even the Fire Lord is being surprisingly nice._

_"Damn it," she hears Azula mutter and Ty Lee spins around. She sees her friend out of the corner of her eye, moving through some complicated pose. The blue fire incinerates the air, burning down the sky. Ty Lee peers around a small tree, watching her friend practice._

_The same move, over and over again. Each time she looks more displeased. Every time._

_"What are you doing?" Ty Lee asks and the fire slips from Azula's fingers, scorching the tree. Half of it burns and then fizzles out, leaving charred blackness in its wake. Ty Lee frowns slightly._

_"Training," Azula says sharply, looking even more unhappy, but this time, not with herself. "Why are you staring at me? What's so interesting?"_

_"It's beautiful," Ty Lee says and Azula hesitates. For the first time, she seems at a loss for words._

_"I'm not doing it right. You're wrong."_

_Ty Lee shrugs. "If you say so, princess. Can I watch?"_

_"Nothing's stopping you," Azula purrs breathlessly._

[X]

Azula wakes up early and finds herself alone. She checks the door, which is not equipped with a lock for some reason, and glances in the hallway. Across the hall, Ty Lee is sleeping with the door wide open, her fingers brushing against the metal floor. Uncle is snoring.

She pushes the door shut again and drops to the floor. Push-ups.

Her sweat drips onto the floor as she trains without taking a break.

_On Ember Island, on a forced vacation, Azula lies on the beach, watching the boys swarm around Ty Lee. She feels her throat constrict. Why does this upset me so much? I don't need them. I don't need boys. Or maybe... maybe I just don't want them around her._

_"Ty Lee, get over here!" She stands up, and engages them in the only thing she understands ─ violent competition._

Blue fire collides with the metal wall. _Have to be more careful._

Uncle's snoring ceases.

_"You were so awesome, Azula! Like ka-blam!" Ty Lee does an impression of Azula's final move. But Azula feels even more bitter than before._

I could get boys. I could show her what it's like. Watch her be _jealous. _Ty Lee could use some more jealousy.

_But Ty Lee is grinning like an idiot. _Why do I care so much that she's smiling when I'm miserable?

"Azula, are you awake?" High pitched. Bright voice. Early. _What a killer combination._

_Before the bonfire burns, Mai and Ty Lee are alone on the empty beach. It smells like rot, ocean and sand, but Ty Lee has more on her mind than washing the beach smell out of her hair._

_"Azula looked pretty jealous of you and those boys," Mai says as soon as their friend sets off to get Zuko. The beach is cold and disgusting and Mai has sand on herself. Ty Lee looks kind of distant and oddly wistful. "What did I tell you about not doing anything better than her?"_

_"That I'll just get burned." Ty Lee pulls her knees into her chin. "Wanna know a secret?"_

_"Does it involve Azula's ladyboner for you?" Mai asks and Ty Lee's eyes widen. "That was a joke."_

_Ty Lee feels oddly disheartened by the fact that Mai was kidding._

_"Sometimes I'm jealous of her," Ty Lee says and Mai is surprised, though her face does not show it._

Azula shrinks into herself, quickly wiping off her sweat with her blankets. She strips off the training clothes and opens the door.

"What time is it? Don't wake me up," Azula says sharply and Ty Lee shrugs.

"I was just checking on you. It's pretty boring on this ship."

_"I know one thing I care about," Mai says smoothly, standing up._

_The heat from the exploded fire still washes over Azula and Ty Lee. Ty Lee watches, glued to the scene. Her heart is racing at the speed of light. Azula feels that same unwelcome feeling in her gut as Mai wraps her arm around Zuko._

_She claps sarcastically. Cover it up. These morons don't know you._

_"Well, those were wonderful performances everyone," Azula says, as Ty Lee watches her. She thinks for a minute that Azula will open up._

_As always, Ty Lee is disappointed._

[X]

Azula leans over the edge of the ship, gazing intently at the waves. They splash and tear, ripping against the metal. It is oddly transfixing. She has lost the crown and half of the make-up, and she dug up a set of painful memories - her clothes from her quaint Ember Island vacation. She put them on to prove to herself that her memories cannot control her.

And they spiral out of control in her borderline solitude on this forced trip.

"You don't look so hot," Ty Lee says and Azula rubs her lips together. She simply cannot escape the scrutiny of her friend.

"It's cold at sea," Azula replies without looking up. They have had this conversation before, but leaving Ba Sing Se, not going towards it. Ty Lee wrapped Azula's arm around her waist and they lingered. That will not happen again, Azula supposes. Teenage love rarely works out well.

"Don't jump in," Ty Lee says and Azula laughs.

"As much as I would love to kill myself, I would miss the look on my mother's face when she realized it was all her fault," Azula says, smirking. Ty Lee looks uneasy. "That's the only downside of dying."

"I would miss you if you died."

"Well, that's awfully selfish of you. You would keep me alive just to have me to yourself?" Azula smirks, a smug glint in her golden eyes.

Ty Lee hesitates. It feels like a quiz, as many conversations with Azula do.

"Then I guess I'm pretty selfish."

"Maybe we should throw somebody else overboard. Just for old time's sake," Azula sighs, faux wistfulness in her voice.

Ty Lee smirks.


	6. bored

chapter six: bored

* * *

"_To burn with desire and keep quiet about it is the greatest punishment we can bring on ourselves." - Frederico Garcia Lorca_

* * *

_Five years ago on Ember Island, Azula and Ty Lee sit in utter silence. The beach is empty, and Azula is practicing_ _again. Ty Lee has watched her a thousand times, but it never stops being beautiful. Azula tells herself that it is because Ty Lee is jealous, but it is really just because the girl without bending is captivated by it._

_"Last night was weird," Ty Lee says, squinting in the sun. She wants to discuss Azula's reaction to Ty Lee... and how Ty Lee sacrificed her own happiness to try to _help _the princess. She wants to say that she _knows _when Azula referred to her as a tease, she was accusing Ty Lee of teasing her._

_But the only reason Ty Lee is teasing Azula is because she is baffled by what the princess actually wants out of their relationship._

_"I said you could watch quietly." Azula spins around, crossing her arms. Ty Lee shrugs._

_"Sorry," she replies halfheartedly, flashing a grin. Azula frowns. "But I've never really opened up like that."_

_"Yes, it looked painfully embarrassing." Azula returns to the elaborate poses that Ty Lee has never seen her use in battle. "You looked ridiculous, crying like a baby."_

_"You didn't care when your mother left," Ty Lee says and Azula sighs, dropping her arms again._

_"Are we really? Are you really going to interrupt me for this nonsense?" Azula turns around with a scary look in her eyes. Ty Lee shrugs again. "It didn't bother me. It was once she left that my father and I got close. It worked out for me. Not to mention Zuko out of the way."_

_"I think that's the most you've ever opened up," Ty Lee offers and Azula returns wordlessly to her training. "Look, I want to discuss, uh... our relationship."_

_"There is no relationship," Azula purrs, as she has so many times. "It's just... a little confusion. Hormones."_

_Ty Lee contemplates that for a moment. They have never fully had sex, however, their relationship has definitely transcended just friendship after the drill attempt on Ba Sing Se, even if they have taken the time to explore each other's bodies, made out, felt each other up. But never fully, together, penetration or oral sex._

_But that does not mean it is just _hormones_._

_Ty Lee just sighs and agrees with Azula._

[X]

The ship keeps rocking about, sloshing the hot tea onto Azula's hands. She curses under her breath every time it happens. She hates Earl Grey, but the caffeine does her well. Her Uncle brought an entire _case _of tea. An entire _case_.

Ty Lee is sipping hers cheerily, her eyes focused out of the window.

"A fish!" she exclaims, pointing. Azula does not look up.

"How much longer, Uncle?" Azula demands as he heats the kettle again. His second cup.

"About a day before we hit land. Then another three days before we get to the city," he says kindly, calmly. His tone makes her queasy.

"This is _endless_." Azula sets down her tea, abandoning it. It was gross anyway. "I'm so _bored_."

_In Caldera, one month before the invasion, _"_You look so pretty!" Ty Lee exclaims, finishing the last stroke of lipstick on Mai. Mai stares at herself in the mirror, kind of pleased with what she sees._

_"Her face doesn't even match her neck," Azula remarks on the powder about two shades darker than Mai._

_"She's right," Mai agrees earnestly. "But it's her turn."_

_"What?"_

_Azula is lying on a bedroll in the living room. Ty Lee and Mai are in front of a hastily set up mirror, a kit of make-up wide open. Azula's eyes are closed, listening to her friends bicker as Ty Lee gives make-overs._

_"Yeah, come on. Don't make Ty Lee paralyze you," Mai says, standing up and grabbing Azula's arm. They drag their friend in front of the mirror and set her firmly on the floor._

_"I think I look fine," Azula whispers, but it is too late. Ty Lee has seized her and is assaulting her face with bright colors._

_A half hour later, the made-up girls are bored. They lie back, talking about everything and nothing. Azula writes her name in smoke and fire over and over again with her toe._

_"I'm bored," Azula says, interrupting Ty Lee's story._

_"I actually have an idea," Mai says, looking particularly conniving. Azula sits up, leaning in attentively. "You know... we could always give Zuko a make-over."_

_"I love it!" Ty Lee claps her hands feverishly._

_"That's actually a good idea, Mai," Azula says and her friends are surprised. "Let's do it."_

_Moments later, they are sneaking down the dark hallways. The faint light of the moon reflects off of Mai's pale skin as she ducks beneath the window. They reach Zuko's door slowly, creeping._

_"Okay, on the count of three," Azula whispers, staring at Mai. "One, two..."_

_Mai breaks down the door with one hit. Ty Lee runs inside and leaps onto Zuko's bed, as he is jolted awake, panicking._

_Ty Lee screams, "Agni Kai, brother!" as she kicks him off of the bed._

_"That's the thing that I say!" Azula protests, as she shoots flames into the hanging candle and illuminates the room in an eerie blue. Zuko shoots fire aimlessly and breaks the window. "You can't just steal the thing that I say!"_

_Mai snickers as Zuko stands up and takes a fighting stance. With one push, she knocks him back onto the floor._

_"You traitor!" Zuko shouts at Mai and she sets her foot on his chest._

_"This will be easier if you just come quietly," Mai says as her friends seize him. They carry a kicking Zuko through the halls and to the room they have claimed for their slumber party. Azula snatches Mai's shirt from the floor and ties up Zuko's wrists behind his back with one swift motion. He struggles against the bonds. Ty Lee paralyzes him before he can burn his way out._

_"What are you guys doing?" Zuko asks, his heart racing. The terrible trio looks very excited, at varying levels. Zuko feels completely terrified._

_"Makeovers!" Ty Lee shouts, opening the box of make-up._

_"You're kidding. This is really how you three choose to use your advanced combat training?" Zuko says, his jaw slack. He also cannot believe he was ambushed in his own home._

_"Don't you want to look pretty, ZuZu?" Azula twists open a lipstick with a maniacal smirk._

[X]

"We're reaching land," Ty Lee says, interrupting Azula's third nap of the day, not that any of them have been refreshing at all. "Are you still sleeping?"

"No. I'm wide awake." Azula stands up, looking frustrated. "Let's just get this over with."

[X]

"_To forced vacation," Mai says, clinking glasses with Zuko. He scowls. "Our last night of mandatory relaxation."_

_Azula leaves the deck as Mai and Zuko start talking. Their conversation is so boring. Ty Lee leaps up and follows her._

_"Where are you going?" Ty Lee asks._

_"For a walk. Why don't you go play with one of your billion boyfriends," Azula snaps and Ty Lee recoils._

_"Can I come with you?" Ty Lee asks eagerly, hoping to mend she and Azula's romance after the fiasco with the boys._

_"Are we attached at the hip, Ty Lee?" Azula says, turning around._

_"You have been in an awful mood since we came here," Ty Lee says bluntly and Azula's fingertips light up. Ty Lee puts up her hands in hasty surrender. "You look really pretty, princess."_

_"I'm going for a walk. You're not invited." Airy, purring and cavalier, Azula can make rejection sound oddly sweet. If she were a poison, she would taste so good that you wouldn't notice you were dying. That... may actually be a reasonable description of Azula._

_Ty Lee goes back to the deck, where Mai and Zuko are now kissing. It is adorable. She cannot get enough of Mai's blissful relationship. She only wishes that she had one just like it. Her thoughts fall momentarily on the one love she cannot have. While she gets all of the romantic attention anyone could ask with her pretty cleavage and bright attitude, she could never gain the approval of the one person she wanted it from._

_Maybe that's why she chases after her._

_"Where'd the princess go?" Mai asks and Zuko looks unhappy. Their sibling rivalry is embedded in everything they do._

_"For a walk. I wasn't invited." Ty Lee sits down and picks up one of the juices. It is sweet and fresh; she enjoys it._

_"If she wants to be alone, she'll be alone. Azula always gets what she wants," Mai says, pulling away from Zuko slightly. "I don't know why you care so much what she thinks."_

_"I'm sorry that I'm not as unfeeling as you," Ty Lee says so brusquely and bitingly that Zuko's eyebrows shoot up._

_The only thing Ty Lee and Mai have ever fought about has been Azula. They were always closer to each other than to her, yet she somehow manages to be the only rift in their relationship._

_That night, Azula returns looking much more composed. Ty Lee watches her meander to her room, the one that the three girls have been sharing. Not that Mai has turned up any of the nights, but that is a sweet secret._

_"Did I upset you?" Ty Lee asks and Azula shrugs. "I didn't mean to."_

_"I know. You hate hurting people's feelings. You're fortunate that I don't have any." Azula lies down on her bed. It is an uncomfortable twin squished in with two others. One holds Ty Lee, the other has been empty for the entire trip._

_"I think you have feelings," Ty Lee says as Azula turns out the light._

_"That's cute," Azula purrs. "Goodnight, Ty Lee."_

_It was meant to end the conversation. Ty Lee does not sleep. She stares at the ceiling through the darkness, trying to make it out but only seeing black._

_In the middle of the night, Azula gets up and Ty Lee's eyes follow her. She walks to the window, yawning. Setting on the windowsill, Azula gazes out at the island._

_"You okay?" Ty Lee asks, joining her. Azula is silent._

_She had a bad dream, not that she would tell anyone. They sometimes keep her up for days, hounding her nights until she goes and just burns everything in sight._

_"Look, I don't know how to say this," Ty Lee says and Azula immediately feels uncomfortable. "But I really want you to be happy. I know I say that about everyone but..."_

_Azula does something that Ty Lee would never expect. She turns to her side and kisses her._

_"Wow, I came in at a bad time."_

_Mai._

[X]

The walls of Ba Sing Se are on the horizon. Azula has been staring out of the window as Ty Lee and Uncle jabber like idiots. She recalls when the walls of the city were brought down by her clever words. Out of all of her marvelous monologues, the one that won her the Dai Li was by far her best. It brings that small signature smirk to her lips.

_"Arrest the Fire Nation Princess." As if._

"I'm so excited!" Ty Lee exclaims. "I know what I'm going to do first. Okay ─ well after I try some tea! I'm going to go shopping and we're going to buy all new clothes. Azula, you're coming right?"

"I guess..." Azula shrugs. "I mean, none of my clothes fit anyway."

"I'm so excited!" Ty Lee repeats, nearly bouncing out of her seat.

_"Mai, if you tell anyone about this─" Azula's hands are ablaze and Ty Lee is in the corner, leaning against the wall. Mai has her hands up, backing towards the door._

_"I'm not... I'm not..." Mai looks at a loss for words. "Just calm down. We all have our embarrassing moments."_

_"I don't!" Azula snaps and Ty Lee bounces between her friends._

_"I kissed her! I kissed her!" Ty Lee shouts, lying desperately, and Azula is impressed. "But please don't tell anyone."_

_"I kind of called it." Mai shrugs and picks up her hairbrush out of her suitcase. "I, uh, I forgot this."_

_And with that, she is gone._

"This place is quaint," Azula remarks, suspiciously kindly. They are in the Jasmine Dragon, Ty Lee out of breath from lugging Azula's things.

"You really think so?" Uncle asks, eyeing Azula cautiously. She pays him a compliment, though she still wishes he had died in battle all of those years ago. It did not surprise her at all when he prevented her from claiming the body of the Avatar. When they lock eyes, it is that moment that they see in each other. Not that they have any happy memories to reminisce about.

"That's what I said. It's what I meant," Azula answers lightly, pushing open the door. It slams in Ty Lee's face as she walks up the stairs. They arrive in a small apartment above and Azula's positive attitude fizzles out like a poorly summoned flame.

"Where am I supposed to sleep?" Azula asks, knocking open all of the doors. Her uncle arrives, carrying the trunk that Ty Lee has dropped from exhaustion.

"There's a guest room right here," he says, pointing inside. Zuko once slept there. Azula looks at it in extreme distaste.

"Quaint, right?" Ty Lee offers, smiling and nodding. Azula does not respond, simply seizes her trunk from Iroh and tosses it into the room.

Azula lies down on the bed. It feels uncomfortable and alien.

"Shopping trip?"

_It's better than this dump._

_"Azula, about our─"_

_"Shut up."_

_They have just arrived back on the mainland from Ember Island. Azula is sitting in the living room. Zuko is at Mai's house, as he often is. Ty Lee has been evaded with skill by her friend, despite the fact that they are living with each other. But finally, Ty Lee has caught her._

_"About our kiss. About the fact I've given you stripteases but sometimes you won't even... I..." Ty Lee murmurs, her heart pounding out of her chest._

_"Shut up."_

_"We really need to talk about this, princess. Zuko and Mai are gone and your father is busy and we're all alone. No one has to know but us," Ty Lee says and Azula puts her face in her hands. This is humiliating._

_"It was a momentary lapse in judgment," Azula replies, though her voice catches slightly. "It meant nothing. Don't get your hopes up."_

_"The thing is..." Ty Lee doesn't finish her sentence. She bows her head and says, "Thank you for your forgiveness."_

_She walks away, biting back tears._

[X]

Ty Lee carries both she and Azula's bags of clothes. They have gone on a spree in the upper ring of Ba Sing Se. Both changed into appropriate Earth Kingdom outfits, they _almost _blend in. The stares make Azula uneasy; she feels as if she could be attacked at any moment.

"I'm hungry," Azula states and Ty Lee peers around for a restaurant.

_"About our kiss."_

_"Shut up."_

They find a cute little place and are seated. Azula says nothing as she eats, and Ty Lee tries to make conversation multiple times. But like trying to create fire from rocks, it fails.

"You don't have to be so difficult all the time," Ty Lee mutters, but she is, again, ignored. _I guess I'm just grateful that she hasn't threatened the waiters yet._

"I know. I enjoy it." And there goes the conversation.

They walk through Ba Sing Se slowly, Ty Lee talking. She talks to the vendors, to pedestrians and to _children_. Azula just stares, stunned. As they move, she feels the tingling sensation that she is being followed. It overwhelms her, and she seizes Ty Lee and slips into the next ring of the city. The sensation increases.

Shadows behind her. _I'm going crazy. I'm being paranoid. _So paranoid, the doctors called her. Shattered by an abusive childhood and her own faulty genes. Descended from pressure her mind couldn't take. Subjected to her body turning on herself and a loss of all trust and will to live.

Just the will to destroy. To utterly annihilate everything in her path like a cerulean star going supernova.

"What is it?" Ty Lee asks, a little too loudly. Azula hears an out of place footstep as the street narrows to suspiciously empty.

"We're being followed."

"You're being ridiculous." Ty Lee pushes Azula off of her, sighing and rolling her eyes.

And then the Earth opens up and Ty Lee is thrown backwards by the force of the ground, screaming. Azula lunges after her and someone grabs her arm, snapping it towards them.

They're surrounded.

"Princess!" Ty Lee screams as Azula is yanked backward and thrown onto her side. The ground collides with her rib and she hears a distinct crack. Ty Lee leaps across the rubble, dodging rocks hurled at her by earthbenders. Azula rolls over just as a boulder comes flying at her. "I'll save you!"

Azula looks around quickly, analyzing the situation. Her reflexes have grown numb with time. There are eight opponents, all masked and hooded. The entire ground shakes with the force of their combined power. Ty Lee is hit in the stomach again and Azula jumps to her feet, her busted rib poking her insides.

One earthbender engages her and she dances atop of their moves, running towards the wall. She scales it and leaps to a perch atop of a roof. Ty Lee is seized by the neck.

"I'm going to regret this for the rest of my life..." Azula mutters as the roof gives out from under her. She surfs down on the crumbling rock and summons lightning. The bolt singes Ty Lee's hair as it hits the man choking her in the neck. He stumbles back, lifeless.

"A heads up would be nice, princess! You know, lightning coming your way?" Ty Lee gestures to her singed bangs as she dodges a fist covered in stone.

"Sorry," Azula says, jumping into the air. Flames burst from her fingertips, engulfing an earthbender moving into a fighting stance. He screams in agony and falls like the first.

Ty Lee registers momentarily that Azula is firebending, but then she leaps backwards out of the way of a rock being hurled at her. She pushes off of the wall and, with an aerial cartwheel, punches the earthbender who threw it at her. She jabs her thumb into his shoulder and he is down. Azula sends a bolt of lightning through his chest and Ty Lee cringes. _There's no need for that._

"Ty Lee, backflip!" Azula shouts and Ty Lee does so without questioning. As she is in the air, a burst of blue flames surges out beneath Ty Lee's back, hitting three of the earthbenders. They leap back, a few yelps erupting from their lips.

"She wasn't supposed to be able to do this!" one of the burnt earthbenders screams and Azula jumps at him.

"No, I wasn't." A fistful of flames to the face.

His mask is melted into his flesh. It smells disgusting.

Ty Lee knocks out another with a punch to the neck. Two grab her and drag her across the floor.

Azula burns them both and Ty Lee leaps away, her Earth Kingdom shirt lit ablaze. She pats it out frantically, eyes wide. The last two send two walls of rock at Azula. One of them misses, but the other smashes her against the building. Her ankles crack and she breathes in sharply through her teeth. Her arms are yanked up, bound in stone that once paved the streets.

She kicks and no flames come out. _They broke my fucking leg._

Ty Lee pounces on the earthbender moving to give Azula a deathblow. She tackles him to the floor and tightens her hands around his neck. Azula pulls against the rocks, but she is too weak. Ty Lee feels the life disappear from the man she strangles, and she feels horrified at herself.

One left. Azula flips her legs above her head and pushes off with a blast of flame, breaking the rock handcuffs, though her wrists are not pleased with her. She sends a final blast of flame into the earthbender as he delivers an arsenal of cobblestone to Ty Lee. He slowly burns and falls, gone.

Azula breathes heavily, panting. She screwed herself royally today, and she knows it. Ty Lee slowly stands up, walking towards the princess. They lock eyes, both lost in deep breaths and adrenaline. Azula grabs Ty Lee's back and pulls her close, kissing her fiercely.

Ty Lee closes her eyes. Azula falls to the broken street, her legs giving out.

"Azula!" Ty Lee shrieks, kneeling next to her. Azula coughs. Blood trickles on her chin.

"I'm fine. I'm fine," she says, touching her displaced rib. _That is not good_.

"Your-your bone is showing." Ty Lee clamps her hands over her mouth, eyes bulging.

Azula looks at her leg. _Shit. That's bad. That's definitely bad._

"We have to get out of here," Azula says, pushing herself up. Her leg sends a jolt of pain through her that she can barely describe. Ty Lee pulls Azula onto her back, Azula screaming in surprise.

"I'll carry you. Come on."

Azula fades in and out of consciousness as Ty Lee carries her. She is plagued with visions of memories she forgot to remember to forget. She coughs up blood sometimes and Ty Lee will start moving more quickly. Suddenly, Azula is lying down. She faintly hears her uncle's voice.

_"You miscalculated."_

Azula tries to clear her vision. Her Uncle is carefully examining her wounds.

_"I guess I love Zuko more than I fear you."_

"What happened?" He looms over her as Ty Lee is in the corner, speechless. She has blood all over her shoulder and a few bruises. She feels weak and panicked, the adrenaline surging through her veins. Ty Lee could not string a sentence together to explain to Iroh.

"Ty Lee saved my life," Azula says, a half truth.

"I did?" Ty Lee asks, but no one hears her.

"We have to get you a healer," Iroh says, reaching towards the compound fracture. Azula bats his hand away. Her vision is hazy and her skin sticky with sweat. "Were you attacked?"

"_No_. I _tripped_," Azula says viciously and Iroh frowns. "Yes, we were attacked. By a gang of earthbenders."

"You're going to be okay," Uncle says, watching her carefully. He sends one of the workers that Azula never bothered to learn the name of out in search of medical assistance.

Azula coughs up more blood.

"If I die..." she says softly, grabbing her pathetic uncle by his shirt, "tell my mother that it's her fault."


	7. broil

chapter seven: broil

* * *

"_Vanity was stronger than love at sixteen and there was no room in her hot heart now for anything but hate." - Gone With the Wind, Margaret Mitchell_

* * *

Ty Lee's hands shake as she sips the chamomile tea. It calms her slightly as she still reels from the attack. She... killed someone. Ty Lee... killed someone. And she doesn't know why. She pressed her hands into his neck and didn't let go. Azula was going to die if she didn't. She made a choice.

"Is she okay?" Ty Lee says, her voice trembling. Iroh sits down across from her.

"She's not pleased about a waterbender healing her, but other than that, she should live," Iroh says, pouring himself a cup of tea and refilling Ty Lee's. Some of it sloshes over her hand. He studies the burn marks on Ty Lee's clothes and the ash on her neck. The work of a firebender. As often with Azula, some things don't add up. "What happened there?"

"We were just walking. They... they knew who we were. Or at least, who she was. They jumped us. But she-I fought them off. I did. Myself." Ty Lee is a terrible liar and she wishes she and Azula's places were reversed for more reasons than one.

Iroh does not pry further. Perhaps he should, but he does not want to. If Azula were still able to bend, in which case Iroh would have more to worry about than her injuries, he would be in for a world of trouble. More disturbing, is the fact that she was assaulted so quickly after arriving in Ba Sing Se. Everything about it feels _wrong_, somehow.

"I'm gonna go check on her." Ty Lee stands up a little too quickly, makes too much sound with her chair. She walks up the stairs, away from the scrutinizing eyes of the Jasmine Dragon, and to Azula's bedroom. The healer has just left, looking frustrated. Ty Lee mouths _sorry_. She is ignored.

Azula is lying in bed, staring at the ceiling. Her rib is not jutting out and her bone is not visible through her leg. But she still looks wounded, and the scars from the rocks are still there, a few wrapped around her wrists. Ty Lee feels weak in her knees.

"Are you okay?" Ty Lee asks, sitting beside her.

"Ty Lee," she says, her tone twice as regal as Ty Lee has heard in a long time, "draft a letter to my family. _Dearest mother, I hope you're happy that you almost got me killed. I told you all it was a bad idea to send me here. This is why we should have burnt the Earth Kingdom to the ground. Also, if I find out it was any of you who hired those savages to kill me, you will regret the day you were born_."

"I'm not going to remember all of that," Ty Lee says with a tiny shrug and hopeful smile and Azula sighs haughtily.

"I wasn't... you know what... I'm just going to go to sleep." Azula tries to turn over and then groans in pain. "Never mind, I'm actually going to just stay in this position. It's much more comfortable."

"I don't know what I'm supposed to tell your uncle. The Avatar... he took away your bending. What happened?" Ty Lee whispers and Azula takes a deep breath.

"You were in danger. I saw you getting grabbed by those guys and I don't even know what happened. I really thought my bending was gone forever. But, seeing you in trouble..." Azula purrs, touching Ty Lee's face. It works. Wow, it actually works. Ty Lee's eyes are swimming with joyous tears. She kisses Azula passionately and Azula returns, not sure how she feels about it.

They loved once, Azula knows. And she loves her still, she thinks. But right now is a transitional period and Azula is confused and it is far easier to be exploiting Ty Lee than loving her back. And if Ty Lee believes true love brought back Azula's bending, she will not tell anyone. Then Zuko and Aang will not be found out, and Azula will not be sent to prison for her war crimes by Hakoda and Kuei and those other fucking people...

"That's so beautiful," Ty Lee says weakly, her voice constricted with strong emotion. Azula's stomach hurts.

"I know," Azula says, breathing more easily. "You know, I don't understand why there are waterbenders in the Earth Kingdom."

"_And _she's back."

[X]

_After the Invasion, Azula is frustrated, "I mean, we should have expected that he would run away like a little bitch," Azula says as Ty Lee strokes Mai's shoulder awkwardly. It is a most uncomfortable situation. "Oh my father is always disappointed in me. I'm gonna run away and cry. I mean, that's Zuko. What did you expect?"_

_Mai sighs loudly. "He's such an asshole."_

_"What have I always told you?" Azula replies and Mai puts her hands over her eyes. Ty Lee makes a strange sound of sympathy._

_"I don't know why I even try," Mai groans. "He's such an asshole."_

_"Yes, you've made that quite clear. I told you he would break your heart."_

_"He did it like such a wimp too!" Ty Lee interjects, waving the letter in the air._

_"I don't know why we're all so surprised," Azula says, shrugging._

[X]

"Tell me when it happened," Azula asks, bedridden against her will and sick of it. She hates how Ba Sing Se _smells_. This whole country smells _wrong_. She hates the memories that it summons. And she despises being stuck and injured, and requiring healing hands of a _waterbender_.

"When what happened?" Ty Lee asks, looking up. She has been staring out of the window and drinking tea. Her bruises have healed and she somehow fixed her burnt hair.

"When you two decided to team up against me. Jump ship and all," Azula asks and Ty Lee squirms.

"It wasn't pre-meditated! We didn't just up and decide to do that to you. I mean... I... Azula you were going to _kill _her. You were going to kill her."

Ty Lee has a point.

"But if you really loved me, you wouldn't have stopped me."

"You would've regretted it for the rest of your life."

"I don't have any regrets. They're unprofessional," Azula says, pulling the blankets further over herself. Ty Lee looks genuinely pissed now, but it isn't Azula's problem.

"Look at me in the eyes," Ty Lee says, standing up and walking to the bed. She touches Azula's chin. Restraint. Restraint. Restraint. "Look at me in the eyes and tell me that you could kill Mai and live with yourself."

Azula stares at her. Golden versus deep brown. Almond versus wide. Hollow versus full.

"I could."

Ty Lee leaves the room, her shoulders shaking with sobs.

"Ty Lee, why are you crying?" Iroh does not think he has ever seen her so sad. She crumbles as patrons of the shop stare at her. She stares at the table and sobs.

"I don't know. I don't know why I get my hopes up."

Iroh does not interfere. Although, perhaps he should. Perhaps he should.

[X]

Back in the Fire Nation, the morning is bright and blinding.

Mai accepts the letter from the hawk, yawning. It has been a painfully long morning, and she has been ill of late. The palace seems more peaceful without Azula sulking about, and Ty Lee constantly trying to do _friends _things with Mai. Don't get her wrong, Mai appreciates Ty Lee greatly, but her presence builds tension like magma in a volcano.

She opens it. It's from Iroh. Mai is stunned as she reads through it. Something twists in her gut.

"Zuko!" Silence. "Zuko, get in here!"

In moments, he is at her command. Zuko is half-dressed and rubbing his eyes, he takes the letter from Mai and drops it in shock.

"That's awful," Zuko says and Mai shrugs. "What? Ty Lee and my sister got jumped by earthbenders. My uncle said that Azula almost died."

"Yeah, it's bad, I guess." Mai walks away. She _does _feel upset about almost losing them, but that disturbs her more than anything. The fact that she would _miss _Azula if she died, after all she did. The fact that she still cares so much about Azula after all of this time.

She visited her in the asylum, before she was sent to prison for being too hazardous for society, even behind white walls. Azula screamed at her and threw a lamp into Mai's face before they restrained her in a straitjacket. Mai decided to cut her feelings for Azula out of her life.

So why are they still there? Why does she still want to be her friend? Her _best _friend.

"Let me tell you a story," Zuko says, taking Mai's arm. "After you saved my ass at the Boiling Rock, Azula came after me for revenge. We were fighting─"

"Is this going to be all day?"

Zuko frowns. "I'm trying to help you!"

"Okay, okay, go on."

"And she started falling. I thought she was going to die. And I was going to save her. If she hadn't have saved herself, I would've gone after her."

"You think she'd do the same for you?" Mai crosses her arms. "Look, we've gone a nice two weeks without mentioning Azula. Let's keep it that way."

"I think she would."

"Zuko, she was going to _kill _me. For saving you. And her life goals included becoming an only child from the time we were toddlers. And don't give me that bullshit about that's why we're better than her. I don't think that. I just don't understand why..." Mai sighs and sits down. It's pointless arguing with Zuko. "I miss the not-hero Zuko. You've developed this 'help everybody' complex since you decided to join the Avatar."

"That was the best decision of my life," Zuko says and Mai scowls.

"Look, I know, I know. But you can't change my mind about Azula."

"If you hate her so much, why does it upset you that she almost died?" Zuko asks and Mai looks like she is about to stab him. She stands up and walks away.

"Fuck you, Zuko."

And she is gone.

[X]

"I'm sorry that I made you cry," Azula says, unsure if it is fact or fiction.

Admittedly, she _has _given Ty Lee genuine apologies before. She is sitting on the sofa in the apartment, having dragged herself out of bed. Her body still hurts and bandages are still wrapped around her. The work it takes to walk is painful, but she needed to get out of that bed. Her bed at home was her escape; her bed in Ba Sing Se is a prison.

Ty Lee has just walked in. She takes off her apron ─ as she is trying her best to help Iroh ─ and sits down.

"You didn't mean it?"

Azula hesitates. She isn't quite sure if she meant it. Her feelings for Mai are incredibly mixed. She thinks of squinting and seeing that the one screwing her over was one of the only two people she trusted. In that moment, she thought about all of the wild things they did together. She thought... they were friends. But Azula really doesn't know what friendship is.

"No, I didn't mean it. But why does it bother you so much anyway? It's not your life. I wasn't about to kill you," Azula asks, genuinely confused.

"She's my friend. Her life is just as important as mine," Ty Lee explains and Azula doesn't bother to try to understand.

"Hmph." That's the only way Azula can respond.

"So, this is... this is real? What you said about your bending?" Ty Lee asks, sitting down beside Azula.

"Of course. I mean, you must admit there was always something between us," Azula says, focusing intently on her friend. She examines her expression for any sign that she does not believe every word. But Ty Lee is smitten by the idea of love.

"This is so wonderful." Ty Lee grabs both of Azula's hands. Azula winces from the pain and Ty Lee hastily apologizes.

"It really is." Azula hopes she does not sound too forced. It would not be half-bad, she supposes, to become romantically involved. It never was her speed, but desperate times call for desperate measures.

Ty Lee kisses her again.

[X]

"Zuko, we're not talking," Mai says dryly over her shoulder. She is sitting on the front steps of the palace.

"I'm here to apologize," Zuko says and Mai turns around to face him.

"See, that's what I'm talking about. You have this fucking hero complex and it's getting on my nerves. All of you people are getting on my nerves." Mai stands up ferociously. "_You _especially. I'm just done."

"You sound like─"

"I would _suggest_ you not finish that sentence, Zuko," Mai snaps, walking inside. "I'm done right now."

She has built a life for herself, independent of Azula and Ty Lee. They can't steal that from her. Her weak desire for friendship cannot steal her life. No.

[X]

_The night after the Invasion. It went as Azula had planned, but there is still unease. She knew Zuko would flip eventually, but she could not gauge the timing._

_"Ty Lee, what do you want?" Azula asks, rubbing her eyes. She is pawing at the door like some kind of pet. The eclipse has come and gone, and they have spent the entire night comforting Mai._

_"Can I come in?" Ty Lee asks, stepping through the door uninvited._

_"Well, you just walked in..." Azula murmurs, closing the door. She hesitates momentarily. And then, making the mistake of her life, she locks it._

_Ty Lee lies down on the dark ruby bed. She watches Azula carefully as Azula sits down at the foot of the bed, still half asleep._

_"How can you just sleep soundly after everything? We just were invaded. Zuko ran away," Ty Lee says, sounding genuinely troubled._

_"We won. Nothing else matters," Azula says earnestly._

_"I don't know if it works like that, princess," Ty Lee says and Azula frowns._

_"Have you just come into my room to criticize me?" Azula demands and Ty Lee shakes her head._

_"I thought you said the Avatar was dead," Ty Lee says and Azula leans against the bedpost. This is annoying._

_"I thought he was." Azula shrugs. "Sometimes I'm wrong." A slight smirk at the end. "And other times, like, saving us all from an invasion, then I'm right."_

_"Do you really believe that we'll win this war?" Ty Lee says, sitting up and crawling close to Azula._

_"Of course I do. I always win," Azula says softly, not sure where this night is going. She thinks of the kiss that should not have been._

_"Your confidence is inspiring. When you say it... I guess I believe too. Or maybe I believe that you believe. And... I guess that's good enough," Ty Lee says, and Azula does not see the fear in her eyes. "But the Avatar won't stop. What if these are our last moments?"_

_"We've beat them time and time again. And we're going to burn it all to the ground anyway. That comet, I mean, these aren't our last days─"_

_Azula's monologue is cut off by Ty Lee kissing her. It was her this time who initiated, although she took the blame last time. Azula kisses her back._

_It is the most confusing and exhilarating night of Azula's life. If it were truly her last day on Earth, she would not consider it wasted._

_Ty Lee was gone when Azula woke up, and Azula wondered momentarily if the entire thing was some strange erotic dream brought on by stress. But when they met eyes in the morning, it was real. Azula wants it to be real. There was never room in her for love or romance, and nobody ever tried. But it feels... so right. So right. Maybe she was just looking in the wrong place. Not looking at something that was there all along._

_She feels an excitement in her gut that she gets when she is telling a particularly elaborate lie. Is that what love feels like? Maybe lying really is the most fun a girl can have without taking her clothes off. It is a beautiful morning. Zuko is gone. The Fire Nation wins again and gathers up all the prisoners like they deserve. Ty Lee... Ty Lee..._

_"Azula," her father says as she walks into the throne room._

_"You called to speak with me." And now I'm going to get sent after Zuko again. Wonderful. And after last night..._

_She bows, though she personally thinks it's superfluous. If all goes according to plan, people will be bowing to her. She would look quite good just a little bit to the left. Smirk. Suppress._

_"I have one thing to clear up, before we finish off the loose end Zuko left," the Fire Lord says and Azula swallows. She does not like things happening that she did not predict._

_"Anything, father," she says, trying to sound sweet but coming off as frightened._

_"Your door was locked last night. You were with that circus freak."_

Oh fuck me, _Azula thinks._

_Azula has no response. She always does ─ an excuse, a lie, anything to save her. Why is she so stupid? Reckless. Fucking reckless._

_"It was a mistake," is all Azula says._

_"Can I trust you, Azula?"_

_Her heart stops._

_"After everything I've done... I saved your life yesterday. You must... you must." She walks towards him, forgoing formality. He does not look pleased with her outburst. "Why does it matter? A locked door? I..."_

_"Do you love her?"_

_"I don't... love anything. Except the Fire Nation..." Azula's face is as red as the flames in the throne room. "And you. I love you. I..."_

_"Break it off. She's a distraction."_

_He's jealous. I should have expected._

_"I was using her," Azula says, the lie tangible, stepping back slightly. Her heart rate slows. "You know that don't you?"_

_"Don't let a petty excuse for a noble cost you your throne," Ozai growls._

_The Fire Nation is so close she can taste it. Her father is right, even though she knows it stems from jealousy and not genuine concern._

_She confronts Ty Lee with blazing hands._

[X]

"Did you... did you betray me because of that night?" Azula asks, trying to flex her toes and failing. Ty Lee is tidying up the house. Always likes to be _doing _something, that one.

"Azula, the throne of the Fire Nation was always the only love in your life. I'm not as dumb as I look." Ty Lee drops the rag into the bucket with a small splash. "I didn't do it out of revenge. I mean... maybe I was a little swayed. But I would have followed you to the end."

"If I didn't try to kill Mai?" Azula asks and Ty Lee nods. "Look, Ty Lee, he was jealous," Azula says, the words coming out of her mouth without her consent. "My father was jealous and I was afraid I would lose it all if I didn't comply. That was... how I liked to remember you. When I wasn't fantasizing about burning your face off."

"I appreciate you telling me that," Ty Lee says and Azula swallows. She had hoped for a better response. _Honesty sucks._

"You know, there's more to me than just powerlust," Azula says, sounding a little desperate. She feels like an idiot.

"I know," Ty Lee says, dusting off a mirror. She looks into it and sees a strange expression on Azula's face behind her. "If I didn't know that, I wouldn't have given up my life to try to be with you. Be... there for you."

Azula is silent. She looks away from the mirror. Ty Lee does not.

"I just killed a guy, Azula," Ty Lee says. _Honesty sucks._

"Yes, I saw you." Azula is puzzled. She does not understand the big deal. "I've killed lots of people."

[X]

_Azula is locked in the Boiling Rock. It was here that her descent began, and it is here she rests after the hefty fall from her pedestal. She is locked in a cell with guards at it at all times. Her thoughts, oddly, rarely go to escape. She has... no purpose. Her life feels like it is slipping through her fingers._

_Too dangerous. Has to go to prison or have her bending removed. Only five years. Maybe that will change her. Maybe that will _break _her in a way that doesn't make her violent and insane._

_But prison does not change the hallucinations. Prison does not remove the bitter taste on her tongue she has when she longs for escape._

_Two of the guards enter the room. She usually gives the silent treatment. She has yet to fight them, though she knows she could make it. She could do it._

_But then she does it. Reckless, insane. She leaps forward and snaps one of the guards' neck. With a single burst of flame, she burns the other guard irreparably. And then she runs. She is so slow compared to how she once was ─ her body is already wasting away._

_One blast here, another there, kick off, blue flame, on the next level. Run. Run. Freeze. A red flame flies past her and she dodges it, sending a crack of lightning in the direction of her assailant. It hits him through the heart._

_She runs, trying to find her way out. She has been here so many times before, but her head is racing. And her heart struggles to beat. Her bones are already starting to protrude. She runs through the door and finds herself outside. It's hot._

_And her plan dies. Plan, what plan?_

_She is grabbed from behind by arms stronger than her. The flames strike a few in her way, but they do not die. They drag her to her cell._

_They hang her by her wrists, spread, unable to do anything. Her knees scrape against the stone floor. Her arms ache. She loses feeling in them eventually._

_But she still recalls the guards that she slew, and she knows that inside of her, she still has strength._

[X]

"I never kill," Ty Lee says firmly. Unlike Mai and Azula, who slaughtered earthbending soldiers, Ty Lee only paralyzed them. She could not bring herself to take a life.

"Sometimes you have to," Azula says with a small, sigh, studying her nails.

They meet eyes, and then Ty Lee looks away.


	8. revenge

chapter eight: revenge

* * *

_I feel something so right_  
_Doing the wrong thing_  
_I feel something so wrong_  
_Doing the right thing_  
_I could lie, could lie, could lie_  
_Everything that kills me makes me feel alive_  
_"Counting Stars" - OneRepublic_

* * *

In the Fire Nation Royal Palace, Zuko carefully walks out into the courtyard to see his wife throwing knives at birch trees. The morning is already sweltering hot, and birds are singing halfheartedly in the trees. Mai looks sullen and displeased as Zuko decides to walk to her, gravel crunching beneath his feet.

"Zuko, leave me alone." It is his fourth apology in two days. Mai does not feel well, and she is certainly done discussing this with her husband. This abrupt marital rift is the kind of stress that Mai cannot deal with.

She is throwing knives at a tree in the garden to try to calm her confused emotions. Zuko stands behind her, his lips flowing with apologies. The flowers are in bloom, the sun makes Mai squint, and she is generally in an unpleasant mood. She has felt ill, and unhappy, not to mention incredibly frustrated. She has been telling herself it is because of Azula, but, honestly, she has a headache and keeps vomiting and just looking at Zuko makes her want to stab him through the face.

"You didn't even do anything wrong," Mai snaps, splitting the tree in half with one overly voracious throw. "I'm just pissed off. Leave me alone."

"Mai, I don't understand─" Zuko exclaims, looking both sad and frustrated.

"You don't have to!" She tosses a knife that grazes his ear. Her heart skips a beat as he jumps, eyes wide. "I'm sorry. Just, shoo, okay?"

It is Azula who has done something wrong. It is Azula who has dug up lots of feelings about how Mai had dreams beyond just marrying Zuko and living happily ever after. Because she isn't happy. Azula and Ty Lee were something in her life that was _exciting_. And it was easy to hate Azula when she was locked in her room or an asylum or a prison. But it's hard to hate her now.

"Are we still... is our marriage okay?"

"Yes." Mai throws a knife straight into the air, and it falls down and lands in the middle of the target. Zuko is as impressed as always. "I just need to be alone. Is that okay with you?"

"I... I guess.." Zuko says, shuffling his feet. _Nothing ever works out easily for me._

He walks into the palace and sits down on his throne. He lights the fire and then turns it out. Too melodramatic. His insecurities about being Fire Lord haunt his every step. Sometimes he worries he will turn into his father, and every time he sits on this throne, he feels naked.

And he wonders if Mai will resent him, as his mother resents his father.

That terrifies him more than the fear that one day he will look into the mirror and see a tyrant.

The door opens unannounced, but Zuko hears no footprints entering.

"You look pretty down, Zuko."

"Aang?" Zuko asks in relative disbelief. The Avatar grins, floating up to Zuko and hugging him.

"Never thought I'd be cuddling the Fire Lord," Aang says, teasing Zuko feebly. They try to act like everything is normal, or funny. But in all honesty, they have matured at the ages of twenty-one and seventeen.

"It's not _cuddling_," Zuko mutters, though he is smiling faintly.

"I heard you were feeling sad," Aang says. "So, I decided to show up and brighten your day."

"Mai is being really moody," Zuko groans and Aang starts to laugh.

"Lady troubles?" Aang asks, a hint of mockery in his tone.

"Yeah. Extreme lady troubles. Sometimes I don't even know with her." Zuko jumps down from his throne. "Let's go do something."

"Field trip!" Aang shouts blithely and Zuko slowly shakes his head.

[X]

As Aang is with Zuko, taking him through the Capitol City on search of fun, which Zuko turns his nose up at, Iroh is carrying tea on a tray to his niece. She is not taking being laid up due to her wounds very well. Azula sits on the light green sofa, toying with papers and books with a fervor Iroh does not understand.

He sets the tray down on the coffee table beside her bandaged leg. She glances up, and then looks away again, as if she saw something distasteful.

"How are you feeling, Azula?" Iroh asks kindly and she does not respond, although her lips purse slightly. "Your wounds look better."

"What did the Fire Nation even do to these people?" Azula snaps, crossing her arms. Her leg is still propped on the coffee table and numb, and it is all because she represents the Fire Nation. It is Iroh's turn to not respond. "I just don't understand why everybody hates me so much. I am going to find whoever sent those earthbenders to kill me and I am going to make them pay."

"Azula, you promised that you would lay low. And without your bending..." But Iroh suspects that things are not as they were when Azula was carried home from the Broiling Rock. He knows, in fact. She can firebend; he is certain.

He examined the singe marks, the burns. It certainly did not come from earthbenders, and although firebenders still live in the Earth Kingdom, they would not be part of one of the extremist groups. The Fire Nation extremists are attacking Zuko on the home front, not trying to purge Ba Sing Se of the reformed enemy.

"I know. But this is retaliation! I'm not starting anything. They made the first move," Azula says loudly and Iroh looks uncomfortable.

"I know you want revenge on the people who hurt you. But it's not the right thing to do," Iroh replies, hoping sincerely she will listen. He picks up the tea and tries to force it into her hands. She reluctantly accepts, but does not drink it.

"I don't need your _lecture_, uncle. It's not as if you could stop me if I wanted to." She stands up and stumbles. The hot tea sloshes over her hands. Her leg tingles and she sits down. "You're a fat old man. You run a _tea shop_. I conquered Ba Sing Se. You can't stop me if you tried."

Silence.

And that night, Ty Lee walks to the cold living room of Iroh's apartment and finds the princess absent. Her heart starts to race, neck throbbing with an increased pulse. _If she is going on a rampage in Ba Sing Se..._

"What are you doing, princess?" Ty Lee asks, walking into Azula's bedroom. She is halfway out of the window, and dressed in black. "You're kidding me. Azula... just _stop _right now. I'm not losing you again."

"Then come with me. Come on. It'll be fun. Just us. Two lovers against those who scorned us." Azula climbs back halfway through the window. Ty Lee feels her heart leap into her throat.

"You're going after the earthbenders, aren't you?" Ty Lee says. _This is not okay. This is not okay. _"Azula, please, I'm begging you."

"Go ahead. Stop me. Betray me again. Stop me, Ty Lee, I dare you." The vehemence in her words makes Ty Lee's eyes water.

"You're still hurt," Ty Lee gestures towards the bandages behind the ink black outfit. She walks to the window and touches Azula's hand. "If you love me you won't do this. You'll destroy us both."

"Look," Azula says, sitting on the windowsill casually. The wind blows through her hair eerily in the night, "come with me now. Fight with me again. If you love _me_ you'll follow me."

Silence.

"I can't."

Azula drops down from the window. And she is gone.

Ty Lee feels like her heart just was ripped from her chest.

[X]

In the palace, Mai is pulling at her hair in frustration. She thinks she is sick; she thinks Azula and Ty Lee are making her physically sick and they are not even here. The sun pours through the windows of the dark, menacing building, and then a shadow falls over Mai of a woman behind her.

She looks up to see Zuko's mother. _Wonderful, just what I need_, is all Mai can think.

"Mai, I think you're pregnant," Ursa remarks after careful observation of her daughter in law and Mai blinks. And blinks again. And again.

No, not right. But... when Mai counts days, she realizes she is late.

"_Great_. I hope I'm not _pregnant_. That doesn't happen." Mai wants to be angry, but she does not know what to feel. She is so confused and hurt and angry.

"That happens to a lot of people, Mai," Ursa says gently, attempting a smile. Mai frowns. "It's not necessarily a bad thing."

"You don't sound very happy about it."

Blink.

[X]

Azula slips through the dark, empty street in Ba Sing Se, her heart pounding. She thought she had Ty Lee; she really did. It was all working out again, and now it is ripped from her. She did not waste her bedridden days. It did not take much research to uncover the only radicals capable of attempting to assassinate her. And now she is going to make them all bleed and burn.

_I'm going to get sent back to prison. I am, aren't I? But... they deserve this. They do!_

She climbs up a building and starts to leap across rooftops. Nobody notices her as she makes her way towards the most impoverished ring of Ba Sing Se. She moves with decreased agility and speed; her wounds remain. But the passion inside of her has lit her ablaze, like the brightest sun. She is a supernova.

Her hands light up in blue, illuminating the streets like the star she is. She burns brighter than the brightest sun, whirled in every direction.

She feels _alive_. And she is ready to slaughter.

A seedy bar is resting in the middle of a disgusting town. She feels dirty just standing in it, but she has more important matters to attend to. Walking inside, she leans against the wall. A drinking game is going on, a few men are pathetically flirting, and in the back, is a well guarded door.

It displays a little too much muscle for just the back rooms. So her sources were correct.

Back in the tea shop, Ty Lee desperately tries to think of how to save Azula. She never was an idea person, and she finds herself in a state of utter panic.

"Iroh!" Ty Lee screams, bounding down the stairs. He overflows the cup of the one of the last customers. The shop is about to close. "Iroh!"

"What is it?" Immediately, he knows there is danger. Her big eyes are wide, tears flowing from them freely.

"Hurry! Please! Hurry!" Ty Lee shrieks and Iroh walks up the stairs with surprising speed. He shuts the door behind him and instantly looks for Azula. "She ran away! Iroh! She ran away! She said she was going to get-get revenge! We have to stop her!"

Iroh's expression hardens. The soldier within him comes out as he grabs the stack of papers Azula had been flipping through while bedridden. He tosses a sketchbook onto the floor and finds a stack of letters, tied tightly together.

"She was tracking them. Did you know this, Ty Lee?" Iroh seems terrifying. She shakes her head. "It looks like she went to the bar that houses their operations."

They hurry to the door, Iroh's eyes ablaze. The complacent old man is alive and vibrant, and Ty Lee is in absolute terror. He guides her through the streets, pushing aside lovers and children alike. They run and run and Ty Lee nearly loses her breath, but Iroh tugs on her.

Finally, they run through a very sketchy neighborhood. Screams echo from inside of a bar.

"We're too late," Ty Lee whispers weakly, feeling sobs climbing into her unwilling throat as she crumbles into a ball.

Iroh runs ahead.

Thirty minutes later, Azula finishes the last of them. Innocents, earthbenders, it doesn't matter. The smell of burning flesh permeates the hot air. Ash floats around Azula like snowflakes or motes of dust. Her golden eyes glow as her heart beats with life she had forgotten.

"Are you the leader of the radicals?" Azula asks. He is retreating. His eyes reveal the truth. "You're a coward."

With a single bolt of lightning, she strikes down a man who has killed many firebenders. Her kind. The kind that left her to rot in prison. But she owes them her loyalty, as their leader is weak. Zuko is weak. And Azula feels all powerful now. She missed the sweet intoxication of deciding who lives and who dies.

"Azula!" bellows Iroh. She spins around. Caught.

"Uncle. You're a little late," she says, gesturing to the piles of bodies. He feels disgust twisting in his gut.

"We gave you a second chance," Uncle says, his eyes burning in a way she has never seen. "And you squandered it."

"These people attacked me. These people─"

"Most of them were innocent, Azula!" He throws a single flame at her and she dodges it with ease.

"What does it matter? My life is over! Why do these people matter more than me?" she screams, throwing twice as much back.

Iroh slowly shakes his head. He looks at her, and momentarily, sees Ozai, and not a frail looking teenage girl.

"I'm putting an end to this," Iroh says, moving into a fighting stance.

"I'd like to see you try," Azula says. Her hands light up.

"It wasn't a crime to take from you what you don't deserve. You prove that you don't deserve your bending right now," Iroh says and Azula silences him with a blast of flame. It singes his neck and he throws a whirlwind of fire back at her. She jumps out of the way, crashing into the wall. Her leg fills her with agony, but it just gives her more reason to fight.

The blue and red collide again and again, fists flying, feet sliding across the dirty floor of the bar. The battle rages as neither misses a step. Iroh keeps imagining her as someone she is not, and she is a cornered animal.

Ty Lee enters and watches, helpless. Iroh and Azula are fighting, leaping off of walls and setting furniture on fire. Red, blue, red, blue. Azula is winning for a moment, as Iroh stumbles backwards, but with a burst of flame from his mouth, he sends her reeling. She leans against the wall as he raises an arm and sends a blast of red flame at her. She slides onto the floor, evading it just barely.

Ty Lee wants to do something. She wants to stop it. But...

Azula pushes herself up. The bone has popped out of her leg again and the air burns it. She summons lightning, the bar illuminated with wild lights. She sends it directly at Iroh's heart, remorselessly, without feeling. And before she can react, it is redirected.

Ty Lee jumps forward, her heart racing. _I have to do something, _is the last rational thought in her mind before she pushes Azula away. The lightning strikes Ty Lee's back and she screams, stumbling to the floor. Iroh freezes, his flames fizzling out. Azula gasps, panting, holding Ty Lee's shoulders.

Ty Lee blacks out.

"Look what you did to her!" Azula screams, standing up. Iroh looks weak. Her first thought is to finish him off, but she shrugs off the desire to win and kneels down beside Ty Lee again.

She picks up Ty Lee and starts running.

Iroh does not move. He simply looks at the ruins that Azula left in her wake. But the look in her eyes when she saw Ty Lee get hit by her lightning... it gave Iroh an odd sense of hope. He was about to kill his own niece, as wrong as it is. He knows she was aiming for the kill as well. But he... he is better than that. The lightning was going directly to her heart. And then something happened that he could not have ever intended. An innocent got hurt in the crossfire.

He suddenly realizes that he is wrong. Azula is... a challenge. But in that moment he saw something in her eyes he could have never imagined; two sides. Azula has two sides warring within her, and they are embodied in her relationship with Ty Lee. Perhaps she does deserve her bending... if she can only make it come from a different source.

Knowing what must be done, he takes a deep breath and walks out of the door. Azula has not made it very far, her leg giving out every step. Ty Lee is unconscious in her arms, and Iroh does not know if she is alive or not. He dodges a spurt of blue flames as Azula crumbles, Ty Lee in her lap.

Azula breathes in, choking on mucus and tears, and creates a wall of fire. Iroh stands on the outside, shielding his face from the heat. Ty Lee's eyes flutter open and the fire falters slightly. Iroh takes his chance to punch through with his own flames.

"We'll get her help," Iroh says and Azula burns his hand. He blocks out the pain, ashamed of his lack of control. He has not felt that way in a long, long time.

"You killed her," Azula hisses, dragging Ty Lee backwards, towards an alleyway. They'll be trapped.

"Azula, I'm sorry," Iroh says and she shakes her head.

"No, you're not. You've been waiting for an excuse to kill me since I was a child." Azula pushes herself up, compound fracture be damned, and hoists Ty Lee over her shoulder. "None of you will ever be sorry."

In a blast of smoke, Azula is gone, and the city around Iroh is lit ablaze.

Iroh pauses with shame, contemplation, a thousand thoughts in his mind. Something must be done, and quickly.

[X]

At daybreak, Azula mends her own leg with repurposed bandages from other parts of her body. It hurts like hell. She cauterizes her wound with her bending. She and Ty Lee are outside of Ba Sing Se as the sun starts to rise. They are well hidden, but Azula knows they cannot hide for long.

Ty Lee drifts in and out of consciousness. She looks incredibly confused.

Nobody ever has done what Ty Lee did for Azula. Not once has anyone made such a gesture of sacrifice. It was founded on Azula's lies, but now... she does not know what to think. She just knows that she has to escape, and that she is not leaving Ty Lee behind.

_She needs medical attention. Shut up. Shut up._

"Azula...?" Ty Lee murmurs, coughing. Azula is instantly hovering over her.

"Are you okay?" Azula asks, touching her face a little too fiercely.

"Where's your uncle?" Ty Lee asks, looking around. "Did we stop you?"

Azula's heart sinks and burns and combusts. "I don't know. But we have to go. We have to get out of here."

_I promised the Avatar. I promised I would have restraint. But I can't... I can't..._

"Azula, let's just go home. Please."

"We don't have a home anymore." Azula stands up and stomps out the fire.

Ty Lee winces as if something were thrown at her.

"Azula, let's go home," Ty Lee repeats for the thousandth time. They're lying in a cave. The darkness consumes her, only a tiny shard of light reaching the depths that they sit in. It's gross. Ty Lee feels sick and she is tired of being carried while half conscious. But she is regaining strength slowly, and she does not know what to do with it.

"They're just going to send me to prison again. I'm not going back!" Azula says sharply, breathing heavily. Things were going so well. Ty Lee does not understand how they could have fallen so far.

"Think this through─"

"I already wasted my second chance." Azula walks away again, out of Ty Lee's reach.

She stares out at the torrential rain. They should be hidden by it, at least for now. She knows she is fucking herself more and more every minute, but she is grasping at straws. She remembers watching her brother's sacrifice for the water peasant. Ty Lee... she... Azula thought she was a traitor. But, she's the only person who ever cared.

Her own Uncle tried to kill her. _Well, what did I expect? He always hated me. They all hate me. They'll all try to kill me in the end._

Ty Lee is suddenly behind her. "Please don't do this," she pleads desperately, looking at Azula with her protuberant eyes sparkling from tears.

"I don't want to do this. You don't think I just want to go back to the Fire Nation? To my bed? Pretend that nothing is wrong? But it's too late. He's going to tell everyone and I'm... I'm done." Azula looks on the verge of another breakdown. Ty Lee has no idea what to do.

She feels as if she should stop this, but she also knows she is playing with fire. Azula's bending, their kisses, their... Ty Lee nearly died to save someone who threw her in prison. Was it to make up for the betrayal at the Broiling Rock? Maybe. Ty Lee doesn't know. She just knows that she is running out of time to save the only person she could ever love.

But now... there is only pain.

Perhaps Azula can never do the right thing.

But Ty Lee fell in love with a monster. It is sick and masochistic.

She closes her eyes and hopes that they remain unharmed.


	9. shield

chapter nine: shield

* * *

_"And could love free me from the shadows? Can a bird sing only the song it knows, or can it learn a new song?"  
\- The Bloody Chamber, Angela Carter -  
_

* * *

"What do you mean you _lost Azula_?" Zuko asks, baffled at his uncle. Mai and Aang stand at either side of him. Iroh looks as foolish in Zuko's eyes as he did when they were on the quest to restore his honor.

They are in Ba Sing Se, in the Jasmine Dragon. Katara and Toph are currently searching the scorched city for signs of Azula. But Aang, Mai and Zuko are prepared to go look in the surrounding areas. Aang has no intention of killing or maiming Azula, but Zuko is on fire with rage and sibling rivalry. Mai is occupied by her pregnancy and the fact that Ty Lee has been stolen.

It has been one week since Iroh had an Agni Kai with his niece. Neither of them won; they both lost.

"And she kidnapped Ty Lee?" Mai pushes Zuko aside. "See, this is why she needed to stay in prison."

"They can't have gotten far," Aang says, glancing through the window. "We'll find them and bring them to justice."

"No one hurts her, you understand?" Zuko says sharply and they are all startled. "We're going to bring her home, keep her guarded and locked up so she can't hurt anyone. Azula needs _help_, not more punishment. We both see that, Aang."

"She deserves... help to heal," Aang agrees firmly and Zuko averts his eyes. He thinks that maybe she still does; he _knows _that she can change like Zuko. Aang is not the only one who thinks that the royal siblings have more in common than they will admit.

"Well, we all see that was a mistake," Mai says sharply, thinking of the child inside of her briefly. _Wonderful, I'm pregnant and now I'm tracking down a dangerous fugitive,  
_Mai thinks to herself in frustration.

"Did Ty Lee go willingly?" Zuko asks and Mai bristles. She knows her friend isn't _that _dumb.

"She was wounded," Iroh says, his expression falling. Zuko takes notice.

"What happened, Uncle?" The remorse in Iroh's tone is something Zuko has never heard before. His Uncle is aware of his failings and regrets, but Zuko has never encountered that tone, in all of his time with Iroh.

"A mistake. She pushed Azula out of the way and the lightning struck her," Iroh says, before thinking of the pain in Azula's eyes as she watched Ty Lee take the shot for her. It gave him hope for her recovery.

Zuko's mind flashes back to his fight and Katara. The amount you care about a person to do something like that. The panic. It seems reasonable to trade your life for theirs because your life would be nothing without theirs. But... Azula? Who would do that for Azula? Who?

Mai's eyes bulge. "You struck my best friend with lightning?" She has Iroh by the front of his shirt, shaking him. Zuko pulls her away and she storms off.

"You _are _having lady troubles, Zuko," Aang remarks, looking aghast. "I've never seen Mai with so many emotions."

"She knows Azula. We need her," Zuko says and Aang shrugs. Zuko has a point. "Let's make this as quick and quiet as possible."

Mai sits on the sky-bison. She has already thrown up over the side once, and some of it still sticks to Appa's fur. This is the most unpleasant form of travel she can possibly imagine. Iroh sits casually, calmly. Zuko is leaning over the edge, his face as forward as it can reach. Aang guides the sky-bison with ease.

"Okay, so what do we do once we catch her?" Mai asks, saying what everyone is thinking.

"I don't know yet," Aang says and Zuko throws up his hands in exasperation.

"Well, obviously we take her bending away! That was the only other option _last _time she went on a rampage. It's not that hard of a decision," Zuko says and Mai nods. For the first time in weeks, she is fully behind her husband.

"Putting her in an asylum that caters to rich people and just expecting them to be able to handle a weapon of mass destruction was probably not the best idea," Mai says with a sigh and Zuko squirms. Aang accepts her mistake. "_And _expecting to put her in the Boiling Rock and keep her from developing some serious issues was pretty fucking stupid too. Now we send her to Ba Sing Se, the scene of her last great victory, _with _earthbenders who beat up any firebenders who come _near _the city. And now we take away her bending? Are you people serious? No one has ever handled Azula in a _stupider _manner!"

Everyone is speechless at Mai's outburst. Mai simply sighs and shrugs; there is no dealing with people.

"I don't know, Zuko," Iroh says slowly and Mai's lips part in surprise. He sounds strangely solemn, but very decided.

"Didn't she just try to fight you to the death?" Mai asks, at her wit's end. _These people are hopeless_. "We have to think of a better option than letting Aang and Zuko figure out how to control her. No offense. I want to help Azula, believe me, I really do. And _none of this _is helping her. She needs... I don't even know! But she needs something better than what you've done to her."

Silence. "I didn't think there was hope for Azula until after our Agni Kai. There was something in her eyes when she saw Ty Lee get hit by her lightning. She refused to make the final blow. Instead of fighting, she tried to save someone other than herself."

"It's obviously an elaborate ruse!" Zuko exclaims and his uncle looks displeased with him.

"Iroh was right about you being good, Zuko. Why not Azula?" Aang says and Zuko lies on his back, sighing loudly.

"So help me uncle if you say something about two sides..." Zuko mumbles, but it is too late.

"There are two sides warring inside of her. I never thought I would say this about Azula, but I think that, with the right direction, she could change. She has a long life ahead of her, and sacrificing it when there is still a chance..."

"I believe you, Iroh," Aang says and Mai slaps her forehead with the palm of her hand.

"She's playing us!" Mai and Zuko shout simultaneously before exchanging a glance.

They loved her once, they loved her still, but they are _not _going to get played by her again.

[X]

"Azula, where are we going?" Ty Lee asks, her arm wrapped around her friend. They balance each other, both of their devastating injuries on the mend. They travel through a dense forest, Azula having been silent for nearly an hour.

The trees jut up around them, green with springtime life. After rain, the air smells earthy and oddly fresh. It would be a beautiful day in the Earth Kingdom, if it were not for the fact that Ty Lee is walking into oblivion.

"I have no idea." Azula stops and Ty Lee slumps against a tree.

Azula stands still for a moment, then sends a blast of blue flame into the air. Ty Lee takes a deep breath. Things are not going well, and her heart is palpitating. The gushing of her blood makes the wound from the lightning bolt trickle down her back. It feels warm and sickly.

"They're going to come after us," Ty Lee says and Azula shoots fire out of her other hand. "We're going to have to fight our friends."

"_Your _friends," Azula says, sitting down across from Ty Lee. She plucks a blade of grass and starts peeling it apart with nimble fingers.

"We should come up with a plan," Ty Lee says and Azula swallows. She hates it when Ty Lee is right.

"Just let me think." She lies down on her back and squints in the sunlight.

"We're screwed aren't we?" Ty Lee whispers.

"Just let me think," Azula snaps regally and Ty Lee puts her hand over her coral pink lips.

[X]

"Okay, Mai, where is she?" Zuko asks, gesturing around the woods outside of Ba Sing Se.

"How am I supposed to know? Am I some kind of magical shirshu? Oh, here, just let me pick up her scent." Mai crosses her arms, her eyes glowing with frustration.

Aang cringes and shares a glance with Iroh.

"They're both injured," Iroh says, stepping between the Fire Lord and his bride. "And on foot. They cannot have gotten far."

"But the area outside of Ba Sing Se spreads _forever_," Mai says, gesturing around her. "She might even still be in the city."

"Katara and Toph are searching for her in the city as we speak. I trust that they can find her. But my instincts are telling me that they made it out," Aang says and Mai shrugs. Nobody listens to her.

Zuko interrupts with, "We will find her if it takes us the rest of our lives." His fists clench, lighting on fire. Iroh looks at Zuko and tries to see if it is anger or hope.

_It is hope_, Iroh notices. Zuko genuinely hopes that Azula can change, and if he catches her, he can somehow manage to heal her.

Iroh smiles faintly when no one is looking.

[X]

Azula and Ty Lee arrive at a small village. The relief overwhelms Ty Lee as they see the peaceful citizens, and the small buildings. It is nestled in the forest, hidden from the world outside.

"Are you two alright?" A woman approaches them, about sixty years old or so. She wears ragged dark green clothes and has half of her teeth. Azula tries not to recoil at the sight of her.

"We're just banged up a little," Azula says, wrapping her arm tighter around Ty Lee. The woman takes Ty Lee in her arms and examines the mark on her back.

"Firebenders?" the woman asks, a slight tone of disdain in her voice. Restraint. Restraint. Restraint.

"Yes," Ty Lee says, a half truth. Azula is rubbing off on her.

"I won't ask too many questions," the woman says and Azula is immediately suspicious. "Come to the inn. You two could use a rest."

Azula sits down in the uncomfortable peasant bed. She has no desire to sleep, for the first time in a long time. Ty Lee collapses into a threadbare chair, rubbing her gaping burn. Azula tries not to look at it.

"I'm sorry," she breathes and Ty Lee shakes her head. "It was my lightning."

Ty Lee looks up. Azula has never apologized before. Somehow... it seems genuine. Azula is rarely honest and open. Perhaps never.

"It would've hit your heart. Remember what I told you about Mai? It's no different from that. You don't have to apologize." Ty Lee means it and it sickens Azula.

"I never have before." Azula rubs her sore leg. It is closed up, but the bone still feels slightly loose. Waterbenders are so useless.

"I know," Ty Lee says, closing her eyes. Her breath is labored.

"We can't stay here for long," Azula says, standing up and starting to pace. "I can almost _feel _my brother after us."

"Maybe we should just say we're sorry?" Ty Lee offers and Azula bites down on her lip. Hard. Restraint. Restraint. Restraint.

"You can go back if you want. I'm not going to stop you. They'll forgive you. They'll probably kill me if they catch me," Azula says, though she knows very well that Ty Lee will not abandon her. Decent people are so easy to manipulate.

Ty Lee stands up gracefully. She kisses Azula, and this time it feels less strange. Ty Lee is walking Azula towards the bed and Azula can only see flashes of Fire Lord Ozai. She lacks restraint as she falls on her back, the rock hard peasant mattress colliding with her already bruised back.

"You don't want to do this," Ty Lee murmurs, halfway through stripping off Azula's dress.

"I don't do anything I don't want to do," Azula purrs as she wraps her fingers in Ty Lee's hair.

They fall into each other. Azula is experiencing sensations she never has, amidst the fear in her heart. Lips like wine, inviting hips, tantalizing, intoxicating kisses. The touch of the acrobat has a delicate and tempting nature, and Azula grasps for it with desperate hands.

Ty Lee runs a hand along Azula's abdomen, up over a concave stomach, towards small breasts. Her fingertips brush against the princess's cleavage and Azula's nipples harden. She feels her body tremble slightly, the sensations alien. Shared shudders of pleasure. She slept with Ty Lee once before, and it was beautiful, but it was fumbling and awkward, legs rubbing and fingers trying to find a way to make each other moan.

Azula pulls her down, her tantalizing touch too much, and pins her down. She straddles Ty Lee, grateful that she took control, and pulls off her shirt. Ty Lee watches, captivated, throbbing and wet. Azula shakes, but not just from pleasure, also from intimidation and fear of her performance.

She kisses Ty Lee's navel, sliding down.

And afterwards, Ty Lee reciprocates. They gasp, fingers lingering after both have been driven to orgasm. Azula is sweaty and disgusting, even in the cold Earth Kingdom. Her hair sticks to her face as Ty Lee is rubbing her, massaging her instead of teasing and stimulating.

It feels... peaceful. Azula almost forgets that they are on the run.

And she notices that once you've licked someone out, they become significantly more loyal.

Ty Lee is once again wrapped around her finger. Perfect.

[X]

Four hours into their search, Aang scratches his head. They are surrounded by thick trees and underbrush, and it might as well be a labyrinth.

"I could have sworn there was a village around here," Aang says calmly and Mai sits down on a rock. The sun is setting, turning the sky vermillion.

"I'm not walking through these woods in the middle of the night," Mai says and Zuko singes the grass.

"We could be close!" Zuko shouts and Iroh seizes his shoulder. Zuko's stance weakens.

"We should camp out for the night. Exhaustion will make us no match for her," Iroh says, sitting down. Zuko grits his teeth. _Laziest man in the Fire Nation._

"It's just like old times!" Aang exclaims, floating down to the grass. "I kind of miss the good old days. Don't you, Zuko?"

Zuko does not respond. Mai chews on her lips with fervor.

Aang wonders what is going on between them. The rift in their relationship is posing a serious threat to the mission. Maybe he can mend it. He shuffles over to Zuko.

"Zuko." He pokes him. Zuko's eyes flutter open. "We need to fix your relationship problems."

"Tell me about it," Zuko says, looking exasperated.

"You are like two feet away from me!" Mai exclaims from across the path.

[X]

Lying in the inn, in a room that smells of cheap incense and old wood, "How's your leg?" Ty Lee asks, touching the bandages. Azula forces her face to stay still.

"It's fine." She touches Ty Lee's star shaped mark. It drips a little bit of blood still, but it looks partially healed. Azula imagines it going into her heart for a moment. Then recalls the panic of seeing it hit someone else.

_No one has ever taken a shot for me before. I never imagined they would, if they weren't afraid of me. But Ty Lee... she's fearless. And... it's oddly_ _intoxicating, _races through Azula's mind.

Zuko and that girl whose eyes are too big for her face. That... Azula... never thought... her thoughts are jumbled.

Leading Ty Lee on has developed into infatuation very quickly, as Azula had loved her when she was young, she is beginning to love her again. It escalates with a perpetual heat. And the sex is simply inspired. This is not as painful as Azula imagined it would be. She thinks about when she was in love with Ty Lee, before the Boiling Rock. And afterwards... she still was. But those feelings... they died. They must have.

She always thought her father was the only one who loved her. But she was wrong. She was oh so wrong.

"Are you sure your leg's not infected?" Ty Lee asks.

"I burned it pretty well," Azula replies and Ty Lee's eyes widen.

"You burnt your own wound?" she inquires, stunned. Azula shrugs.

"I do what I have to do to survive. I don't know why it still surprises you." Smirk. Ty Lee bats her eyes. Strange moment.

Ty Lee examines her leg. She touches her lips to the skin and Azula feels like she is suffocating. Her body tenses. Then Ty Lee reaches Azula's feet and pulls back slightly, surprise in her big eyes. Azula swallows.

"What is it?" she asks, feeling defensive. Her body is beautiful; it does not deserve that kind of look.

"How did you get those scars? I never noticed them before," Ty Lee says, looking closely. Azula chews on her lip. She supposes honesty cannot hurt once in a while.

"I got them after you joined the circus. You may have noticed how light on my feet I am during battle. I can just dance over the fire, you know?" Azula says and Ty Lee nods. "I got that way because I used to practice barefoot on broken glass. So I would be so light on my feet that no flames could catch up to me."

It was her father's idea. But Azula takes credit for it. He took credit for enough of hers.

Ty Lee feels queasy. There are many reasons that Azula is a killing machine. "I love your dedication, princess."

Azula stands up and walks to the window, dressing herself and watching the villagers with scrutiny. "They suspect us, don't they?"

"You're being paranoid," Ty Lee says, not moving from the bed. The windowpanes make pretty patterns of light on her bare back.

"That's what you said before we got ambushed," Azula says, shutting the blinds violently.

"I'm more worried about Zuko and the Avatar," Ty Lee murmurs and Azula nods. She has a point. "If we turn ourselves in─"

Azula punches the wall, blue flame bursting from her knuckles. Ty Lee pulls the blankets over her naked body like a frightened child.

"We're not giving up. I _don't _give up. I don't lose," Azula says sharply, glancing through the blinds again. She looks twitchy, and it concerns Ty Lee.

"Can I ask you something?" Ty Lee murmurs and Azula nods. She will not promise an honest answer, however. "That night after the invasion, was that your first time?"

And now they're going to talk about sex. They just had sex. And Azula... oh, Agni, why is this so difficult for her?

"Yes," Azula lies, and Ty Lee does not press further.

[X]

Finally, Aang and his companions reach a clearing in the woods, and the village Aang _knew _was here. They all feel a mixture of relief and reprehension about what they will find here.

"I told you guys there was a village here!" Aang exclaims, pointing at the sleepy town in the middle of the dense forest.

"Nobody doubted you," Mai says dryly and Aang's smile fades. He gives Zuko a sympathetic glance, which the Fire Lord tries to ignore.

Zuko grabs a man and he almost punches Zuko in the face. The man then steps back slightly, squinting at and scrutinizing Zuko.

"You're the Fire Lord." The Earth Kingdom man states it in a matter-of-fact manner.

"Yeah. And we're looking for a dangerous fugitive," he says. "She's skinny, dark hair, gold eyes─"

"She came by yesterday. Spent the night in the inn. Had a burnt girl with her," the man says and Zuko's eyes light up with a long forgotten excitement. He had forgotten the pleasure of the pursuit. "They left before the sun came up."

Zuko lets go of him and spins around. Mai grabs him.

"_Calm down_. You're not acting like yourself. Just calm down. We're on their trail." Mai's eyes pierce his and he takes a deep breath.

"I'm sorry, guys. I didn't mean to... I didn't mean it," Zuko says, looking at his friend, wife and uncle with genuine remorse in his eyes. Mai lets go of him.

"We're getting worked up over nothing. She left this town untouched," Aang says, gesturing around him. Zuko frowns. "Let's just go in this general direction and we should catch up to them in no time!"

Zuko wants to believe that Azula is not as dangerous as she is. He wants to believe in her like Aang and Uncle do. But she... she continuously proves him wrong every time he tries to help her.

He knows, deep down, Azula is the same sister that he left when he was banished. A bit cruel, a bit selfish, _but he was too_. She would've done anything for him, and he would've done anything for her. That changed, so Zuko thinks it can change again.

But he is not holding his breath.

[X]

_"I have a task for you." Kneeling. Look up. Father. He believes in her. They have been alone together for so long now._

"Azula! Azula!" Ty Lee's tan hand is waving frantically in Azula's face. Azula blinks several times, her head searing with pain.

She looks around and finds herself in a disgusting Earth Kingdom forest that Azula would love to burn to the ground. Dew drips from the trees and she can hear the animals scurrying around her. It would be idyllic if she were not now a fugitive.

"Don't do that," Azula says bitterly, adjusting her grip on Ty Lee's waist.

"You keep zoning out. You didn't sleep at all last night," Ty Lee says and Azula shrugs.

"I think I've done enough sleeping to last three or four lifetimes," Azula says as they keep trudging through the forest.

The never-ending walk continues.

"You can't expect me to climb that," Ty Lee says an hour later, pointing at the cliff. Azula is already crawling up, dragging her crippled leg behind her.

"I've seen you do more impressive things," Azula says, nodding upwards. Ty Lee gulps and cuts her losses.

She starts climbing up behind Azula, stumbling as she goes. Small rocks break off at her feet and her heart races. Azula pulls herself into the cave at the top and examines the ground below. Ty Lee heaves herself up next to her, lying down on her back and panting.

"You are surprisingly in shape for someone who hasn't gotten out of bed in years," Ty Lee says and Azula smirks.

"You underestimate me," Azula says, drawing back into the shadows.

They sit in silence, hidden. Ty Lee is antsy, until she hears a familiar voice.

"That's Mai."

"Zuko, would you just shut up for five minutes!" Mai shouts and Azula's eyes flash in surprise. "They're going to hear us coming!"

"And your yelling isn't going to alert them?" Zuko screams. Azula bends over in a fit of silent laughter. Ty Lee crawls towards the light and Azula shoves her back into the shadows.

"It's not like we're going to catch them anyway." Mai sits down and refuses to budge. Azula watches, her eyes glittering.

"Do you remember what I told you, years ago?" Iroh asks, coming into view. Aang is behind him.

"You're going to have to be more specific, uncle," Zuko spits. He sounds like a child again. It's hilarious.

"In our family, things are not always exactly as they seem," he says. "I think I've said that on more than one occasion."

"What's that even supposed to mean?" Mai asks ferociously.

"That Azula has a few tricks up her sleeve," Aang says and Iroh nods.

Mai shivers slightly. "I feel like we're being watched."

"So do I."

_Damn it. _Azula and Ty Lee back further into the cave.

Night falls as Azula and Ty Lee do not make a sound. Azula has no desire to face Aang, nor the others. She may be an adept firebender, but she does not like her odds in this fight. They wait, Uncle with a sickening smile on his lips. He peacefully converses as Mai pouts in the corner.

_He's trying to lure us out. Clever fatass. _repeats in Azula's head.

The sun rises. Ty Lee grows restless.

"We should run for it," she whispers and Azula shakes her head.

"We can outlast them," Azula breathes, watching the group. Aang is toying around with his airbending, looking bored. Mai is arguing with Zuko in hushed tones. And Uncle waits, looking smug. Azula chews on the inside of her cheek, contemplating a way out.

Hours pass.

"They're obviously not here," Aang says and Azula smiles. "We've probably lost their trail by now. I knew this was a bad idea."

"Mai," Uncle says and Azula leans towards the light. It burns her eyes. "I think it's time you came clean to Zuko why you've been so angry with him. It will help us when we continue on our journey."

Mai squirms slightly. "Look, Zuko... I'm pregnant."

Azula gasps.

Four necks snap towards the cave.

"Jump!" Azula shouts as three blasts of red flame come at the cave. Ty Lee leaps in an acrobatic combination as Azula floats on jets of blue fire. They land on their feet and start running. Azula drags her leg behind her as Ty Lee blocks incoming rocks from Aang.

A knife collides with Azula's shirt, tearing a piece of the fabric off of her shoulder. She backflips over blazing fire from Zuko's ankles. Ty Lee lunges at Aang, distracting him. They fight, four elements versus a girl without bending. Aang seems to hesitate with each move. _I guess it pays off to be a goody two shoes sometimes..._

Another knife comes at Azula, scraping her neck. She dances out of the way of flames coming in both directions. A blast of blue flame is blocked by Iroh but sends Zuko reeling into a tree.

Zuko's ablaze hand punches at Azula and she vaults over him, her back brushing against his hand. Graceful. She pushes off of a tree, sending a blast of flame that encompasses half of the clearing. Mai barely gets out of the way. Iroh blocks what comes around him and Aang sends up a wall of Earth, blocking him as Ty Lee paralyzes the Avatar's arm while he is distracted. Zuko is burned briefly, but he shrugs it off. The trees are burning from Azula's flames and Azula's flames alone. They crackle and break.

Azula dances even more and Ty Lee is reminded of her story about the broken glass. Flipping to the side, a flame collides with her uncle, blasting from her ankle, as more shoots from her fingertips and causes Zuko to double back as he blocks it. Iroh leans against the tree, gasping.

Mai jumps forward and tackles Azula full force. Azula shrieks as Mai pounds her fist into the disgraced princess's face. Iroh pushes himself back up, but Azula is fully under the weight of Mai. She could not dance away from the surprise attack.

"Bitch!" Azula screams, tugging at Mai's ebony hair.

"Mai, get out of the way!" Zuko shouts, trying to aim his fire. Iroh hesitates, hands ablaze, waiting for an opening.

"No! She's mine!" Mai is gasping for breath as she pulls a knife out of her shirt. Azula rolls out of the way as it stabs the ground where her head previously was.

She rolls directly into a jet of Iroh's flame, and she gasps in, swallowing the attack. Mai yanks Azula back, pinning her sleeve with a knife. Zuko throws fire at her from her right, as Iroh throws from the left. Azula bangs her head into Mai's and tears another half of her shirt off. She plunges Mai towards the fire and it barely misses. Mai feels the heat as her eyes bulge.

Azula kicks fire at Zuko and he jumps backwards. Momentarily distracted, Azula is tackled again by Mai. This time, the knife scratches Azula's cheek.

"Mai! We want her alive!" Aang traps Ty Lee in stone, soaring on the wind over to the rolling and punching girls. One arm hangs loose at his side, chi blocked, but he was still able to defeat the acrobat. Aang pulls Mai off of Azula with a one handed whip of water. Mai fights against it momentarily, then falls limp.

"Great; now I'm wet," Mai mutters, still glaring at Azula.

Azula pushes herself up. Her leg collapses on her and she hits the ground. Zuko smiles.

"Loser again?" Zuko taunts and Azula sends a blast of flame at his face. He ducks with wide eyes.

"I'm letting you win," she says, pushing herself up and standing this time. Everyone moves into a fighting stance, eyeing her carefully. She weighs her odds momentarily, then lowers her shoulders. "I... I give in."

"We're not falling for that again!" Zuko's hands light up and Iroh's hand twitches instinctively to his shoulder. His clothes are burned in almost the exact same place. But he looks at Azula with a strange sympathy in his eyes that she cannot explain. Azula does not move to block her brother. She looks at him, challenging him with one glance. _He won't do it._

"Look at me. My leg is broken. Ty Lee is burnt and I think it's infected. We're out of luck," Azula says with a haughty sigh. Zuko tenses. "Go on. Take me into custody. Unless you've come to kill me of course, in which case, I ask _kindly _for a head start."

"I'll count to five. Start run─" Mai begins, but Aang silences her, walking to Azula.

"Don't, Aang!" Ty Lee screams and Aang makes a small hand motion; her stone prison falls. She runs forward, standing between the Avatar and the princess. "Please. Just give her a second chance."

"She had a second chance!" Zuko shouts and Ty Lee looks on the verge of tears. Azula watches, suppressing a smile.

"I think she's changed. I mean it," Ty Lee says desperately.

"She's playing you, Ty Lee," Mai replies sharply, feeling helpless. Azula's claws are wrapped so tightly around Ty Lee that it makes Mai sick.

"We're in love," Ty Lee says and Iroh's stance falters ever so slightly. "We're in love and sometimes all people need is just a little love. Please. I'll watch her! I won't let her do this again, I promise."

Mai swallows. Aang is visibly swayed by the large romantic gesture.

"Do you love her, Azula?" Iroh asks, sounding genuinely curious. Zuko scoffs.

"I do," Azula says smoothly, touching Ty Lee's hand. "I do."

"You guys aren't falling for this, are you?" Mai asks, glancing around at her companions. She looks to Zuko, but he does not seem to be on her side. He is looking at Azula with great sympathy. And Mai hates the fact that she is feeling some of it too.

"Look," Azula says, gently pushing Ty Lee aside, "I just watched somebody take a bolt of lightning. _My _bolt of lightning. I never... you can't understand what it's like to watch your bending lose control and hurt somebody you love. Her sacrifice for me... You saw it, Uncle. Tell me I'm lying."

The truth and lies blur in her words, her profession of love somewhere between staged and genuine. Sometimes she does not know if she means what she says or not. It feels worse to tell the truth than to lie.

"I do know what it's like. I burnt Katara," Aang says and Azula loosens slightly. _Victory is sweet._

"Then you understand," Azula breathes, stepping towards Aang. Mai draws a knife.

"You belong in the Fire Nation. Azula, when you made your promise to me, you said you would practice restraint," Aang says, holding one hand up, aimed at her chest. She does not move; she barely breathes. "But I don't think that's something you're born with. I think it has to be learned. And you have a lot to learn, whether you believe it or not."

Zuko groans. "Really? Really? We're just believing Azula?"

"I could've said the same thing about you," Aang says to Zuko, and the Fire Lord is silenced. Maybe... just maybe.

Zuko has thought for a long time that Azula could be redeemed, that she had it in her. They loved each other once, and they were happy once. And when Aang points it out, as Zuko looks at she and Ty Lee holding hands... he thinks he will try.

Fire Lord Zuko will do everything in his power to heal his sister.

[X]

Azula lies in Ba Sing Se in Iroh's apartment after being forced to surrender, her face and body broken, bruised and bloody. Ty Lee is hovering over her side, constantly touching. The watchful grey eyes of the Avatar make Azula murmur words of graciousness to her protector. But Azula feels sick, incredibly sick.

But what would she do next? Live as a fugitive forever with Ty Lee as her hostage? The game would end eventually, and Azula only wishes she had learned in her life how to accept defeat.

"I hope you know I think this is a bad idea, Aang." Katara walks in. "She's not Zuko. She's crazy. She's a danger to society. She destroyed an entire street last week! Some of the buildings were still burning today!"

"I can also hear you," Azula mutters and Katara seals her lips.

"You look banged up," Katara says, setting down a bowl of water on the bedside table. Azula closes her eyes to prevent the memories from returning.

"The waterbender who healed me the first time did a pretty shitty job," Azula sighs and Ty Lee cringes. Katara scowls, but lifts the water gently. "But, you're clearly the most powerful waterbender who ever lived. You defeated the most powerful firebender, after all. We're equals."

Katara grits her teeth and shoots a venomous glance at Aang. He shrugs with a hopeful smile.

"I'm nothing like you," Katara says venomously as she starts healing the wounds. Azula feels her bone snap back in place. Finally. "Don't kid yourself."

"I didn't say we were alike. I said we were equals."

Katara finishes the healing session silently.

[X]

Azula is locked in steel a room in the belly of a ship, but not of her own decision. The ship rocks sickeningly as she travels back to the Fire Nation, each mile closer feeling like both relief and dread, in a way Azula cannot quite comprehend. She lies in the surprisingly plush bed, trying to sleep. Her leg is healed entirely, by Katara, who had quite a shouting match with Aang over his decision, as Azula rested.

"You get out of repercussions for your actions again, huh?" Mai walks in, uninvited. _Gross._

"What do you want?" Azula demands, not making eye contact.

"Just checking in," Mai says, sitting down at the foot of the bed. "Your girlfriend isn't here to give a tear filled speech on your behalf. It's just us."

"So it is," Azula purrs, deflecting. She knows she has hurt Mai since she was released from prison, but she does _not _want to deal with this bullshit.

"I tried to help you, Azula. I cared about you, and you hurt me. But I have much thicker skin than Ty Lee, and I don't want to see you hurt her the way you did to me and Zuko. I know that you don't want to change, because when Zuko and I did everything we could to help you, you just bit us and burnt us," Mai says sharply. "I want to tell you that, whatever it is you're doing, I'm onto it. I'm watching you, princess. When you think you're alone, I'm watching you. When you think you're safe, I'm watching you. And when you inevitably get caught up in your little game, I'll be witness to it."

Mai rises and leaves, slamming and locking the door behind her.

"Well, fuck you too," Azula mutters, closing her eyes and falling asleep.

[X]

In Zuko's room on the ship, he sits down beside Mai. She looks... well, her expression is vacant... but he thinks she is upset. Maybe she does not want to be pregnant; Zuko is so uncertain. He has never questioned their relationship as much as he does right now.

The green light of the sea makes Mai look sickly as she glances up at her husband.

"So, Mai... uh..." Zuko scratches his head.

"Yeah. I'm pregnant. Big deal." She glances around their small room on the steel ship. Water drips from the ceiling with a gentle and annoying plinking sound.

"Kind of a big deal, actually, Mai," he says, touching her hand. He reaches towards her abdomen and she bats his hand away. "Do you not want it or something?"

"Look," she sighs, lying down. "I just... Zuko, this is... I don't know."

"That's not a very clear answer," Zuko says, frustrated.

"I just think we have some kinks in our relationship to work out before we pop out the crown prince or princess," Mai says, rolling onto her stomach. She has a slight sensation of fluttering in her stomach, like burning fire flakes. It feels weird and unwanted.

She had all of these dreams before Zuko. She loves him, yes, and she loves him still, but she had hoped there would be... _more_. And her friends remind her of that at the last time she wants to be reminded.

"I'm willing to do that. I don't understand why..." Zuko trails off. Mai does not look like she wants to talk.

"I'm sorry, Zuko." She says, kissing his cheek.

He does not respond.

[X]

"Hey." Ty Lee walks into Azula's room. It is her prison at sea, and she is very clearly unhappy. The acrobat lies down beside Azula, and they remain in silence for some time, although there is no reason to speak. "I think you did the right thing, giving in."

Azula shrugs. "It was the right move."

"I'm not going to leave your side. Not for a second." Ty Lee wraps her arms around Azula. Azula does not resist.

Her human shield.

Ty Lee is her human shield that she is riddled with sexual and emotional confusion for.


	10. apologize

chapter ten: apologize

* * *

_Those you've pained may carry that still with them  
All the same, they whisper, "All forgiven."  
"Those You've Known" - Spring Awakening_

* * *

Azula wakes up in someone else's arms. Panic surges through her veins at first, before she realizes it is Ty Lee. And then she realizes that the ship she is on is gradually slowing, which makes her heart speed to wakefulness. She slowly wriggles out of her grasp and kneels in front of the window. She sees the harbor, and, if she squints, her palace. Nothing feels better than coming home, even in the wake of shame and defeat.

"It's beautiful." _It could have been mine_, Azula's mind reminds her once she tries to be happy.

She is suddenly reminded of Mai's joyous news. The new little prince or princess. Pasty. It'll probably sigh a lot. Azula feels enraged by the idea, but she practices restraint. She can restrain herself; the Avatar is wrong. But if letting him thinking she has a mind wide open for learning, she stays alive and marginally free for another day.

"It is." Ty Lee is behind her. She presses her face too close to the window and it fogs up. Azula walks back to the bed and sits down. "So how did you know that the Avatar burned his girlfriend?"

Silence.

Ty Lee says sweetly, "How many times do I have to tell you that I'm smarter than I look?" with a tiny smirk on her lips that Azula finds more appealing than she should.

"I had no idea. Most of the time I'm just winging it," Azula replies proudly, examining her fingernails. They're filled with dirt. She needs a manicure, maybe a very long, hot bath...

The ship lurches to a stop.

[X]

Ty Lee almost laughs at Azula's expression when she finally gets to her bedroom. The princess forgets her defeat and the soldiers around her as she jumps to her mattress eagerly.

"My bed!" Azula looks genuinely excited for the first time Ty Lee has seen in a long time. She leaps onto her bed and curls up into a ball. The indent has disappeared and her bed feels all wrong, but so right.

Ty Lee sets down Azula's recovered trunk and lies on the bed beside her. They lock eyes for a moment and Ty Lee's heart flutters.

"Let's never repeat that adventure," Azula says, tucking her hands under her neck. "And let's take a nap. I've scaled like two walls."

"So, how are you going to approach... being good?" Ty Lee asks and Azula does not respond. _Oh, pretend to be asleep, real mature, princess_, Ty Lee thinks with an internal sigh.

"Mai, are we still fighting?" Zuko asks as they arrive in the palace. Mai shrugs. "I don't understand what you want me to do." She shrugs again. "So you're not talking to me anymore?" Another shrug.

Zuko groans. He has a lot of catching up to do after having to take a leave from his duties to wrangle in Azula. And it was all for nothing; she still evades taking responsibility for her actions. And his pregnant wife is mad at him. _Why is it always me?_

[X]

_Six years ago, Azula and Ty Lee are alone, in the starry night, as Mai sleeps. Camping is gross. Azula has never... well... she never really left the palace until her father decided she was equipped enough to track down Zuko. They are on their way back to the Fire Nation after a humiliating defeat by the Avatar and her brother. It is time to regroup and plan again._

_"So... you still want the Avatar?" Ty Lee asks, the first word spoken. The rocks dig into Azula's back as they stare at the stars._

_Ty Lee is amazed by the heavens above, circling in an eternal dance. It makes her feel... small. Azula just see specks of light and traces of cosmic clouds, nothing more than black and white. She finds it relatively unimpressive._

_"Yes." It takes Azula a solid two minutes before she acknowledges that Ty Lee asked her a question._

_"Mai says that it's a vanity project. That we should have just gone after Zuko," Ty Lee blurts out and instantly regrets it. Stupid, stupid, stupid._

_Azula's lips flicker with a frown, but quickly return to normal. Her face is so expressionless. She does not cope well with failure._

_Ty Lee tries to save herself with, "Well, your Uncle is hurt and everything. That probably __slowed__ them down."_

_"We're going home." Azula is silent. Her lips tremble and then freeze once more. Ty Lee looks at them, how rosy they are. Perfect. Flawless. Princess Azula is perfect._

_"I can't believe she can sleep," Azula says, gesturing at the tent Mai is passed out in._

_"We did spend two days without sleeping when we went after the Avatar. I'm tired too."_

_"Then go to bed."_

_"I don't want to."_

_"Why not?"_

_Silence. "I like it out here with you."_

_"Oh."Azula watches the words fall from Ty Lee's lips, so careless, reckless."It must be nice to be so optimistic," Azula comments, meaning it as an insult, but coming out as genuinely envious. "Just soaring over all of the troubles. Nothing in your head."_

_Ty Lee does not know how to respond to that. So she doesn't. Her eyes follow the princess, removed from her armor and in her underclothes. She looks... perfect. Princess Azula is perfect. So why would she be jealous of Ty Lee? There is a certain dreaming in the way her eyes caress the curves of the girl she lost for what feels like an eternity._

_Her pulse is racing in fits and starts. Her throat feels swollen._

_Azula does not seem to notice. But she probably does. She must._

_"I love you, Azula. I mean─ not like─ not like that. I mean, you're my best friend and I l-love you like that," Ty Lee stammers, blushing bright red._

_"I know," Azula purrs, holding up her hand to the moonlight. She examines her pointed fingernails._

_Ty Lee imagines that she just needs somebody to love her. Love her for her. Not the idea of her. Am I in love with her? Am I in love with the idea of her or...? I don't know. Her thoughts swim. She does not just float over everything like Azula claims she does._

_"I'm sure he's not going to be mad." Stupid, Ty Lee, you're so fucked why do you just blurt things out._

_Azula purses her lips. They do not go back to normal._

_And then, Azula says, "If I were to kiss you right now, would you like it?"_

_"I don't know."_

_"Oh." Azula's face becomes expressionless again._

_Silence._

[X]

"Azula," Zuko asks cautiously, trying to find common ground with his sister, "can I talk to you?"

She is in the living room, watched carefully by seven masked guards. They are all benders, and heavily armed. Zuko insisted, as soon as they got back into the country after Azula's little escape. Ty Lee is standing on her head, doing something odd with her legs. Azula tosses books on the floor as she gets bored of them, recklessly, carelessly. She has an expression on her face that he just wants to wipe off.

"Nothing is stopping you," Azula purrs. She tosses another book and it nearly hits Ty Lee in the face.

"You know Mai, right?" Zuko asks, knowing that girls like to talk about romance, so if he asks for her romantic advice, perhaps they can become friends. He thinks.

"_No_," Azula says, plucking another book on the shelf. Zuko knocks it out of her hand, and then instantly feels regret; he is _trying _to get her on his side. She sucks in her cheeks.

"Look, I need your advice," Zuko says, trying not to vomit. Azula's eyes light up.

"Okay, just because I'm trying to be _good _doesn't make me your personal love guru. So she hates you. Big deal. She hates me."

"This isn't about you!" Zuko snaps and Ty Lee returns to her feet. The guards move closer to her.

"What do you want me to say?" Azula demands haughtily, trying not to feel angry. But she does, oh, how she does.

"I want you to tell me how to make her like me again," Zuko suggests, thinking that perhaps he is making _some _progress as he sits down on the coffee table.

"You can't just _force _people to like you," Ty Lee remarks warmly with a shrug, walking closer to Azula. "She really loves you. I think she just needs some space."

"I just─"

"Have no patience. We know," Azula says smoothly, crossing her arms.

"You are so bad at being good!" Zuko says, tearing at his hair. Azula smirks.

"Well, there's finally something you're better than me at. Maybe we can be friends now." Azula holds out her hand to him. Zuko stares at her blankly. "Come on. We are brother and sister, aren't we? Can you imagine what it would be like if we were friends?"

"I've seen how you treat your friends, Azula." And with that, Zuko is gone, deciding to try to find some other way to get through to her.

"Everyone here take note that I tried to befriend Zuko and he turned me down." She returns to thumbing through books.

[X]

In Azula's dimly lit room, the princess is still ruminating over Ba Sing Se instead of taking steps to recovery. Ty Lee wants to guide her along that path, but if Azula does not want to take the first step, Ty Lee does not know how she is supposed to heal the princess.

"I can't believe my uncle beat me," Azula sighs, lounging in her bed.

"Well, you conquered Ba Sing Se. He couldn't do that," Ty Lee says and Azula smiles. "It took him like five hundred days to get inside. It took us five minutes!"

"_Six _hundred days. You really didn't pay attention in school, did you? But, you're right," Azula says, closing her eyes. She feels much better. "I'm more competent than him anyway. He never was the same after Lu Ten."

"You would've beaten him if you didn't stop to save me." Ty Lee fans the flames.

"I don't know why he hated me so much." Azula frowns and Ty Lee's heart skips a beat. She has to think of something quickly.

"Maybe because your first and foremost love was the throne of the Fire Nation? And maybe that time you burned him." Ty Lee suggests and Azula's expression sours. Oops. "But I mean, that's completely valid. He would've been a terrible Fire Lord."

"How can I make it clear that I've opened my heart to more than just the throne?" Azula asks earnestly and Ty Lee shrugs.

"I have no clue. Have you really?" Ty Lee asks, her eyes wide and hopeful like a little koala-otter. Azula thinks it is cute, which then makes her feel slightly sick.

Azula leaps up and crosses her legs, concealing the conniving smirk that wants to spread across her face. "I've opened my heart to you, haven't I?"

She presses her lips against Ty Lee's. They fall into each other, tearing heatedly at their flesh.

[X]

"Here you go, brother." Azula hands Zuko a platter with tea on it. It's early morning and everyone is at breakfast except for Mai.

"I'm not _that _stupid," Zuko says, pushing the tray at her. It spills on her chest and she stumbles slightly before catching herself.

"Zuko," Ursa scolds and he turns to her vivaciously.

"It's clearly poisoned," Zuko accuses, half joking, but partially frightened. After years of trying to prod Azula in this direction, her sudden 180 makes him nervous.

Azula picks up the cup of tea and drinks it. "Definitely poisoned." She sits down. "Mother," Azula says and Zuko immediately tenses. The five guards following Azula look uneasy, "I asked Zuko to be my friend the other day and he said no. I'm trying to change. I don't know why he won't help me."

"She doesn't really mean it!" Zuko exclaims, pounding his fist into the table before feeling absolutely ridiculous. Ursa swallows.

On one hand, she knows that Azula is pandering for the sympathy vote. But, on the other, she believes that Zuko could truly make the difference in Azula's recovery. They were always different; Azula was sick and twisted and Zuko had a soft heart. But they are alike in many ways, she notices.

"Well, it's your choice." Azula shrugs, a particularly cruel glint in her eyes.

"She's just trying to make me look bad!"

"Zuko, calm down," Ursa says earnestly. "We have to give her a chance."

That tiny smirk. Zuko clenches his jaw. And then Zuko laughs and it is Azula's turn to be baffled.

"We're like kids again," he remarks, smiling at Azula.

She just narrows her gilded eyes at him.

[X]

"This is impossible," Azula moans into a pillow, waking from her second nap of the day. Sleeping has become her only solace in this cruel, brutal world. Ty Lee is lying beside her, awake. The girl has a surprising amount of patience.

"I actually have an idea," Ty Lee remarks, her eyes lighting up with it.

"I'm listening," Azula purrs with the dark tone of her father. It gives Ty Lee chills of both discomfort and arousal.

"How about, instead of trying to manipulate people into liking you, you actually try to be likeable?" Ty Lee grins and Azula rolls her eyes so forcefully she thinks they may pop out of her head.

"I'm going back to sleep." Azula rolls her eyes.

"How about some small talk?" Ty Lee suggests hopefully. Azula can't sleep anyway, her thoughts are too occupied. A thousand plans, and all of them stupid.

"Okay."

"The weather is... hot."

"It always is. This is the Fire Nation," Azula responds. Cringe.

"So how'd your fire turn blue?"

"Stylistic choice?"

"See, one of the ways you might be able to get people on your side is by opening up about things. When people ask you a question, you could, like, answer it. Instead of deflecting. And sometimes, you share deeply personal things about yourself," Ty Lee says, smiling. Azula turns over and kisses her.

"That's a great idea," Azula lies, kissing Ty Lee again.

_I really need to shake this lying habit._

_Or not._

[X]

"Alright, let's practice," Ty Lee says, sitting across from Azula. "Open up. Say something personal about yourself."

They are in the palace, as they often are, atop ruby furniture. Azula looks reluctant and tired, while Ty Lee seems bright eyed and eager. It has been a lengthy few days of Ty Lee attempting to teach Azula to be _likeable_. It is by far easier to _manipulate _people into liking you, but Azula supposes she has to set aside her old ways if she is to be accepted again.

When asked to open up, Azula hesitates. She never has attempted this before. But if it means she can flip sides, she is willing to try.

"I..." Azula is at a loss for words. Ty Lee's smile fades. This may be more difficult than she imagined. "Okay, okay, you asked about my firebending. Is that? That good?"

"Yes. Just, open. Answer the question honestly." Ty Lee clasps her hands together.

It is the most difficult thing Azula has ever done. Mastering lightning was easy. Slaying the Avatar. Simple. But answering a question honestly? She does not know where to begin.

"It's really simple actually, even though I've never given anyone a straight answer. Blue fire is hotter and stronger," Azula says, struggling with the words. "I'm pretty much the most powerful firebender ever."

No one would disagree with that statement. Not even Zuko. Ty Lee certainly doesn't. It is Azula's defining quality, and she takes great pride in it.

"And when did you reach the peak where your flame turned blue?" Ty Lee asks, prodding further. Things are going well so far. "When you became the best there ever was."

"Well, my father taught me. I mean, I guess that's obvious. My mother was gone when things changed," Azula says, the words uncomfortable in her lips. "All that existed was my training, and he was harder on me. And my father had usurped the throne. And then there was only training. I don't know when it all went blue but it was about the time that I figured out lightning by myself. And also the first time I killed someone."

Ty Lee takes a deep breath. _When I said open up... _she thinks, somewhat in terror of Azula's secret spilling.

"I mean, you knew me then. You and Mai were here all the time." Azula just shrugs.

"Less and less," Ty Lee offers and Azula accepts. Her friends did gradually start slipping away some time before they left, as Azula retreated into herself for a plethora of reasons. The time in Zuko's absence was less pleasant than Azula insists it was.

"But I was always a prodigy. That's what they called me. Born lucky. And all I did was train. I think I actually missed out on being a child. And I was promoted to my mother's status in ways I didn't comprehend at the time. It was... a weird time, to say the least," Azula says, picking at her pointed fingernails. They look nice; she had them done. By servants that she ordered around. She is back on her feet in many ways.

"See, when you told me all of that, we created a real human bond not based on fear," Ty Lee says, seizing Azula's hands. Azula accidentally scratches the inside of Ty Lee's palm.

"I'm not going to go around pouring out my _secrets_," Azula says and Ty Lee shakes her head.

"You don't have to. Sometimes you just have to be vulnerable, and people will trust you."

[X]

Azula thinks she is about to go to sleep when Ty Lee springs more of her plan onto the princess. They are in her bedroom, as usual, and Ty Lee is perched on Azula's dresser like a lion-vulture about to strike. She is thrilled and exalted by the task of redeeming Azula, to be honest.

"Phase two," Ty Lee says, handing Azula a stack of paper and a pen. "Apologize."

"Apologize to this paper?" Azula asks scathingly, her expression mocking and sour. Ty Lee shakes her head.

"You're going to write down all of the things you need to apologize for. And then _apologize_," Ty Lee says and Azula is aghast. _No way._

"I don't... I don't know how you expect me to do this!" Azula exclaims, tossing her hands in the air. The paper tumbles off of her lap and ink spills on her messy sheets. "That's preposterous!"

"If you want people to like you, you have to make amends for what you've done in the past. It's like, the number one thing to do if you want to be good now," Ty Lee says and Azula sighs. _Fine._

"Writing it is one thing. But, how am I supposed to say it?" Azula asks earnestly and Ty Lee pounces on the foot of the bed. Azula jumps slightly at the impact.

"Look me in the eyes and repeat after me," Ty Lee says, brushing the papers out of Azula's hands and stacking them neatly beside her. Azula complies. "I'm sorry for trying to kill you."

"But I never─" Azula says sharply, enraged that Ty Lee is forcing her to do this.

But Ty Lee is just giving her a push to start walking the path to recovery. Small steps. Baby steps. Like a simple apology.

"Repeat after me. It's only practice," Ty Lee orders, standing firm in her decision.

"Alright. I'm sorry for trying to kill you." Azula rolls her eyes and sticks out her tongue.

"That sounded sarcastic." _This is going to be even harder than I thought._

"I'm sorry for trying to kill you." Azula swallows. It sounded strange.

"Better. Okay, let's start with an easy one. Mai."

"She tried to stab me in the face!" Azula shouts, her fingers ablaze. Ty Lee recoils and the flames fizzle out. "But... I suppose she won't do it again if I apologize. Okay."

Azula starts scribbling away. One page and half of the back of things she has done to Mai. Ty Lee watches the fervor of Azula's writing as she tries to recall everything she has done to pain her first friend. The list is astoundingly long, and Ty Lee feels a strange warmth inside of her as she sees Azula's willingness to admit the consequences of her actions. New Azula is not that bad.

"Now Zuko," Ty Lee orders, quite enjoying the flip in the power structure. Azula is terrifyingly obedient, and it is exhilarating. Usually she is the servant, the one who bends over backwards to please the princess, but now, she is the one with the knowledge to impart, and Azula must follow orders if she wants to accomplish all she desires. To Ty Lee, it is fun.

"This is going to take all night," Azula grumbles as she begins filling the page with apologies.

Azula stays up late, writing down apologies. At first it perturbs her, but, finally, she starts to feel it may help her case. The things she has done to Zuko in particular almost explain why they do not trust her. She imagined only a few wrongs she has committed, but they keep spilling out as her fingers make the ornate characters glisten in ink on the page.

She finishes, and sets the papers down. The moon is high in the sky, and Ty Lee sleeps in the bed beside her.

Azula crawls into the covers and kisses Ty Lee's neck. Ty Lee stirs, and looks up.

"It's late," she murmurs, but Azula presses her lips against the acrobat's. Ty Lee does not complain, though she feels groggy.

Azula tugs at her nightgown, light pink. It caresses Ty Lee's curves; they are the ones that Azula once envied, but now must admit she enjoys. She runs her fingernails along Ty Lee's body, leaving small marks where the sharp, glistening nails travel.

Ty Lee makes small sounds that Azula cannot explain. She kisses her neck, her clavicle and runs her tongue down to her navel. Another kiss. Ty Lee touches Azula's head, afraid she will anger the princess, but Azula allows it. She holds it there slightly, shaking. Azula wonders if she is just aroused or terrified.

But Azula complies with the nonverbal desire. She slips back up again and lies on her back, tugging at Ty Lee's arm. Ty Lee undresses Azula, peeling off her robe and removing the silk underwear and bra. She slides her fingers down and pushes two into the wet heat. Azula gasps and Ty Lee hopes she has done nothing wrong. But Azula likes it, the motions harsher than Ty Lee thought she ever would. Azula's body shakes with the movement.

They lie there, weary and intertwined, as Azula dreads the apologies she will recite in the morning.

[X]

Zuko and Mai are sitting in the throne room holding audiences. Mai shoots Zuko a few venomous glances here and there, but other than that, no one would be able to tell that they're fighting. And so far, no one knows that Mai is pregnant. There should be some kind of royal announcement, but Mai refuses to go through with all of them.

As the last matter is cleared up before lunch, a solitary figure walks into the room. The flames grow in intensity as Zuko recognizes his sister. But, she does something he did not expect when she bows. She mutters something venomous to herself as she straightens up, but then flashes a weak grin.

"Okay, I'm confused," Mai says, setting her chin in the palm of her hand. She suppresses a smile at Azula's disheveled appearance.

"What is it, Azula?" Zuko snaps, the flames growing even more. Mai shields her face from the heat.

"I'm here to do something I should have done a long time ago." She pulls something out from behind her back and Zuko leaps up, ready for a fight. But it's...

"A stack of papers?" It's quite hefty - it looks like a novella. "You're trying to assassinate me with a stack of papers?"

"Actually, I'm here to apologize." The room is stunned into silence. "I know, startling, right?"

"Me first," Mai says. She has been waiting for this for a long time, not that she expected it.

"Okay," Azula says, clearing her throat. She locks eyes with Mai through the mask of fire. "I'm sorry for trying to kill you. I'm sorry for being mean to you. I'm sorry for trying to ruin you and my brother's relationship. Repeatedly. I'm sorry for spreading all of those vicious rumors behind your back when we were at school. I'm sorry for sending you to prison. I'm sorry for burning your favorite shirt. It wasn't an accident. I'm sorry for ordering you around. And I'm sorry for being a terrible friend."

"That was scary," Mai remarks, her neck clenched slightly. "But, uh, thanks, I guess?"

Azula fights the urge to burn the papers to a crisp. Restraint. Restraint. Restraint. She imagined it would go over better than that, but what can she expect from _Mai _after all?

"Now, my brother." She picks up the rest of the papers, tossing one over her shoulder. "This is going to take a while. First and foremost, I'm sorry for trying to kill you. Repeatedly. I'm sorry for convincing you that father was going to kill you. Repeatedly. I'm sorry for every lie I ever told you. Especially the one where I tried to convince you that father had forgiven you. I'm sorry for telling father that you were the one that killed the Avatar, knowing that you would fail. I'm sorry for cheering when you were scarred and banished. I'm sorry for stealing your things and burning stuff you cared about. I'm sorry for trying to steal the throne from you. Repeatedly. I'm sorry for trying to ruin your relationship with Mai. Repeatedly. I'm sorry for stealing your precious knife. I'm sorry for burning Uncle. I'm sorry for Ba Sing─"

"You can stop, Azula," Zuko says, holding up his hand.

"I have twenty more pages of these," Azula says, frustrated. _This apologizing thing is by far not worth it. I'm going to kill you, Ty Lee._

"You can just give it to me. Thank you." Zuko steps down from the throne, the flames dying out. The temperature of the room falls several degrees, and goose bumps rise on Azula's smooth skin. Zuko walks towards Azula and she shifts into a fighting stance.

But then, something inexplicable happens; he pulls her into his arms and hugs her.

And Azula leaves, feeling relatively good about herself.

[X]

Zuko and Mai walk down the shadowy halls, past gilded statues and red tapestries. They both are unnerved by Azula's apology, and are trying not to be too hopeful. But it is hard not to hope.

"That was really scary," Mai remarks as she and Zuko walk towards the dining room. "Azula apologizing. You _hugged _Azula."

"I know. But, Mai, she's actually making an effort."

"Or telling the greatest lie she's ever told." And then Mai frowns. "I want her to be telling the truth too," she sighs.

"I think she's out of options. Her only choice is to change," Zuko says and Mai has to admit he has a point. "I've never heard her apologize before. And mean it, at that."

"Or she's just practiced being really sincere."

"You always expect the worst in people, don't you?"

Mai shrugs.

[X]

"How did it go?" Ty Lee asks, taking Azula's hand. Azula appreciates the warm sensation of smooth skin against hers.

"Surprisingly well." She still feels weird. It was the most uncomfortable thing she has ever done in her life. "I mean, Mai didn't react well. But Zuko... hugged me."

"You hugged it out!" Ty Lee cheers, wrapping her arms around Azula. The princess's face is plunged into brunette hair that smells of a variety of spices and flora. "I'm so excited that─"

Azula cuts her off with a passionate kiss. _Easiest way to silence her._

"You're too excitable," Azula says as they fall on her bed. Ty Lee's hand rests on Azula's neck, sending shivers through the princess. "But, I guess it's kind of endearing."

Ty Lee blushes.

[X]

"Hey," Ty Lee approaches Mai. They are alone in the living room, which surprises the Fire Lady. Ty Lee has not left Azula's side since they were caught in the woods outside of Ba Sing Se, save for Mai delivering her little warning when Azula was in her prison at sea. "We haven't talked in a while."

"So... you and Azula?" Mai asks and Ty Lee shifts her weight uncomfortably.

"I hope that doesn't make you mad," Ty Lee says and Mai shrugs.

"I don't envy you. That's for sure," Mai replies, her tone flat. She still looks distant and oddly unhappy. Ty Lee wishes she could do something about it, but she has her hands full with Azula.

"Did she apologize?" Ty Lee asks, though she knows the answer is yes.

"I'm assuming you put her up to it. I guess it was pretty sincere. Things aren't going to be magically fixed between us," Mai says, leaning back. "It's a little late for an apology from Azula."

"She's really trying─"

"Look, are you just here as some kind of ambassador for the princess or do you actually want to talk to me?" Mai interrupts and Ty Lee sits down.

"I actually want to talk to you. You're still my best friend. And now that I quit the Kyoshi Warriors... you're probably my only friend," Ty Lee says, her face blank.

"I'm not that fun to be around."

"I don't think that," Ty Lee says, grinning. Mai shrugs again. "So you're pregnant?"

"Yeah. Apparently." Mai sets her hand on her lower abdomen. Her expression confuses Ty Lee.

"I'm excited for you."

"That makes one person."

"You're the only person I know Azula hasn't tried to kill," Mai says, and Ty Lee is not sure if it is a blessing of the relationship or not. "So, I mean, maybe she's not just playing you."

"Well, I mean, what's love if not...?" Ty Lee has no idea where she was going with that. "You're not happy with Zuko."

"I love Zuko... but..." Mai waves her hand dismissively. "Just don't ask."

"He's really upset that you're mad at him."

"I'm not mad at him," Mai insists, her eyes flashing. "So, you fought the Avatar. Pretty badass."

"Yup," Ty Lee says. "And you got in a cat-fight."

"It wasn't a cat fight," Mai corrects with surprising voracity and Ty Lee shrugs, smiling. "How's your lightning wound healing?"

"All better. Well, there's a scar. But it's not too noticeable," Ty Lee says and her positive attitude is absolutely nauseating. Mai would certainly not be so optimistic.

"Why would you take lightning for Azula? It could have killed you," Mai asks, something she has wanted to inquire about for some time.

Ty Lee turns her palms up, a bright expression on her face. Baffling. Absolutely baffling.

"I was willing to sacrifice my life for you. Why not her?" Ty Lee states airily.

"When did you ever─"

"I was actually pretty sure she was going to execute us for betraying her. But, I did it anyway. Because that's what friends are for."

"How kind of her to not execute us." Mai brushes her hair out of her face.

Ty Lee's friends are absolutely impossible.

[X]

"Could you stand a few steps back?" Azula snaps at her entourage of watchful guards. "I can _feel _your breathing."

Azula is wearing a stunning red dress, her crown tied in her hair with motions of her hands she once forgot. Her childish hair-do is gone, the long locks cascading down her back and resting over her breasts. But the tiara remains, gold, jagged. Her make-up is on, with a splash of ruby lipstick, in place of the light rose she usually favors.

Princess Azula wants to look _hot_. She wants to taunt him, to let him know there is no way he can have her. Because she is the powerful one now, and he has nothing. She wants him to hunger for her and not be able to receive.

Beautiful. Terrible. Clever. Azula fears nothing anymore.

"Leave us," Azula orders sharply, and the guards do not comply.

Restraint. Restraint. Restraint. She yanks the key from one of the guards leading her and unlocks the door in front of her. The shadows fall over her decorated body.

"I'm back," Azula purrs, fighting back a wicked smile.

The prison room is dark and dank. It makes knots in Azula's stomach and images play out behind her eyes as she recalls the years she spent in the Broiling Rock. But she is in her home nation, and she is facing the man who quite literally promised her the world. He lies twice as much as her.

"Why the guards?" Ozai asks, looking at the posse that followed Azula in. She frowns and points at the door. They do not budge.

"Well, I went on a rampage. Had an Agni Kai with Uncle. That kind of thing gets you a pack of soldiers to follow you all around," Azula says. She slowly sits down and leans against the bars. Her eyes glitter as they once did. Azula is partially restored to her former glory, even if it means making the sacrifice of renouncing wickedness.

"An Agni Kai? Don't mock me, Azula," Ozai says, his voice dark and daring. Azula feels her heart flutter as she raises her fingers. The grim prison cell turns an eerie blue. Her father is stunned speechless.

"Surprised, father?" Azula asks, looking at him. He does not meet her gaze; he simply averts her eyes.

"The Avatar clearly sees your weakness." Defensive. Azula laughs, but it comes out as more of a cackle.

"Don't kid yourself. You've seen what I can do. I was a prodigy. I was the only reason you ever succeeded." Azula smiles, relief flooding her body. She never knew how cathartic confronting Ozai could be.

"You could help me now," Ozai says and Azula snorts derisively.

"What changed your mind? I thought I was worthless last time we talked," Azula says, but she does not move. She will ride this to its last breath.

"You look stunning."

"I know. I thought you would like it." Azula purrs provocatively, leaning further into the bars. Her neck is illuminated by the flames that dance in her palm.

"Tell me why you're not locked up, if you challenged Iroh and lost," Ozai inquires, leaning in. His gaunt face shines in the blue glow.

"I've changed. Flipped," Azula says and Ozai laughs. "I've decided to pull a Zuko."

"Azula," he says, touching her wrist. The flames die. Darkness. She starts them again, and his face is near hers. "I took the throne from my elder brother. It's not impossible."

Azula hesitates. She can feel his hot breath on her neck and it makes her queasy. Slowly, she stands up.

"I'm over it."

"You're over your desire for power?" But Azula is walking away, her guard shuffling out around her, "That's all you have! All you have is─!"

And she is too far away to hear him.


	11. fools

chapter eleven: fools

* * *

"_Go then if you must, but remember, no matter how foolish your deeds, those who love you will love you still." - Antigone, Sophocles_

* * *

Ozai is in his cell, Azula beside him and no longer taunting, but talking. She offers her company to her father, and he has no choice but to expect it.

"I did it for you," Ozai says abruptly.

"Did what?" Azula asks, genuinely curious, although she tries to sound cavalier.

"Banishing Zuko," he explains and Azula breathes in slowly.

She sits, legs outstretched and bare, skirt hugging her bony hips, in the prison. Her father is behind the bars, this time without the gall to ignore her. She illuminates the room, her tantalizing fire mocking him. The blue lights their faces in a way that somehow highlights shadows.

"You're going to have to try harder than that, father," Azula finally decides, tossing the flames between her hands. He wraps his fingers around the bars, the envy in his golden eyes evident.

"I wanted you to be the ruler of the Fire Nation. You were more capable. Zuko is malleable. You would maintain the legacy of me, your grandfather and his father," Ozai says, a strange sincerity in his voice. But Azula is aware she is being lied to.

"Well, that's flattering but you had selfish reasons for banishing him. His exile made an example of him," Azula purrs, the flames growing briefly brighter. Ozai's eyes light in envy, and then the flames die down. "I know I would be a great ruler. I always have. But I value my freedom more than the throne."

"Hmph," is all Ozai replies.

"He's having a baby," Azula says, quickly realizing that she let her tone show her emotions on the topic. _Stupid, stupid, stupid._

"A little young for that, isn't he?" Ozai says and Azula shrugs. She already let on too much. "It must be upsetting. It's with Mai, I'm assuming." Azula nods. "She broke your heart. And now she's going to be the mother of the next in line to rule."

"I'm not one to hold a grudge." They both laugh, mirthlessly, carelessly, as if an asteroid is hurtling at the Earth and there is nothing that can be done but laugh. "Mai betrayed me. But Ty Lee..."

"That circus freak who seduced you?" Ozai is closer now.

"She saved my life. More than once now," Azula says, feeling as unusual as when Ty Lee forced her to open up. For some reason, being honest to a person no one trusts, locked behind bars, envious of her, is easier than being honest to those who roam free and walk taller than Azula.

If you're crazy, no one listens to you. If you're a liar, no one trusts you. Azula knows from experience.

"You don't owe her anything."

"Of course. I'm not _stupid_," Azula says, shifting the flames to her other hand. Ozai's eyes follow them, glistening. Azula can see her warped reflection in his dilated pupils. "But I... actually like her. Love her."

Ozai snorts derisively. "You could never love, Azula."

The lights go out. "Maybe I don't. Maybe I do. Maybe I'm just playing her like I played you," Azula rhymes in a sweet, silky, sing-song tone.

And she and her masked guards leave, Ozai in blackness as his daughter's fire disappears with her.

[X]

"Where were you?" Ty Lee sits up, stretching into an abnormal position. Azula tugs her crown out of her hair and flops down on the bed, sighing. Ty Lee gives her an upside down kiss. To her dismay, it does not lighten Azula's expression.

"Out," Azula replies, the words bitter. Ty Lee wonders how the princess thinks she is damned blind.

"What did I say about answering questions?" _Prod her in the right direction._

"If I answer them openly and honestly people will like me." Azula yawns pointedly. Ty Lee fights the urge to frown.

"You just left at like four in the morning with your guard," Ty Lee says, sounding oddly concerned. "I was worried."

Azula runs her fingertip along Ty Lee's chin. Her long nails are cold and vaguely arousing against Ty Lee's skin. "Don't be."

[X]

"Can I see that?" Mai grabs the stack of apologies before Zuko can respond. She flips through, stopping to read occasionally. "These are actually hilarious."

"They're the nicest thing my sister has ever done for me," Zuko says, smiling faintly. He looks absolutely smitten by the idea of a _good _Azula. Mai would like to accept her friend back into her life... but she can't help but be skeptical. Azula is not one to do a 180.

"That's not really an accomplishment." Mai gives Zuko a look he cannot explain. Maybe he is just bad with women. Ugh. "I'm really not a fan of the 'expecting the best in people' Zuko."

"You don't like me as a hero, you don't like me as a villain, you don't like me, Mai." Zuko bristles up.

"I _do _like you," Mai says, her hand twitching towards her stomach. They lock eyes for a moment before she looks away. "You're being self conscious."

"You're acting like you're mad at me. Mai, you're always kind of... disappointed in our relationship. Are you just doing this because of the marriage contract your parents made when we were kids? Do you even love me or are you just used to it?" Zuko asks, feeling wounded.

"I love you, Zuko. I really do," Mai breathes.

"Then why do you get pissed so quickly?" Zuko demands through a clenched jaw.

Mai does not respond, just continues reading the apologies.

[X]

"You know what you have to do, Mai?" Ty Lee says, entering the room like crashing lightning. Mai looks up. She feels queasy and feverish, and certainly not in the mood for antics. "Buy new clothes!"

Mai sets her head back down on the pillow. "My clothes fit fine."

"Come on! Better earlier than later!" Ty Lee clasps her hands together, her eyes wide and glittering. Mai groans and slowly stands up.

"Fine. We'll go maternity shopping." Mai looks longingly at the sofa, but Ty Lee grabs her hand and tugs on it.

[X]

Zuko is enjoying his afternoon with Azula, and she is loath to admit that she is enjoying it too. They are together like siblings, like they were before everything crumbled around them. And it feels good to both brother and sister.

"Can I ask you something?" Zuko asks and Azula nods. Her niceness seems incredibly forced, but he appreciates her trying. Being nice is harder than it looks; he knows from experience. "How did you, like, swallow an attack?"

"Are you asking me to throw fire at your face?" Silence. "Kidding. You can laugh at my jokes, you know?"

"I've never seen that before," Zuko says, earnestly, though he knows stroking Azula's ego is foolish. The only thing she knows is bending, he supposes. He claws for some common ground, for some conversation. And it lingers on her flames. "I mean, breathing fire is one thing."

"I was just making it up, to be honest," Azula says, shrugging. "I don't think I could repeat it."

"You just... made it up?"

Azula shrugs. "When a deathblow is flying at your face, I would suggest learning to improvise. No offense."

"I used to wonder what would happen if we teamed up. For real, not like Ba Sing Se," Zuko says and Azula clamps her hand over her mouth to stifle her laughter. He bites his lip.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry." She wipes beneath her eyes, though there were no tears. "I think we'd be an excellent team, actually. My smarts and bending and your... perseverance? Yes, perseverance. Honor? I don't know."

"Very funny." Zuko doesn't know why he shared that. He does not know why he is starting to wonder if maybe he and Azula could mend something so broken. They were friends before they comprehended the power of a title. _Fire Lord_. Without those two words, the siblings had no loathing. Without those two words, Azula and Zuko would be very different people.

He thinks of when he looked at the old house on Ember Island for the first time, over five years ago. And he saw the door where, despite her being in hot water for burning down his sandcastle, he tied her first loose tooth to the door with fishing line and slammed it. She looked like she was going to cry, and then she was excited, gold eyes sparkling. And so she, impatiently, lost her first tooth. Azulon was still in charge. Their father was distant, but not cruel. And Azula and Zuko were _friends_. Lu Ten was going to be Fire Lord. And Azula and Zuko were _close as could be_.

"You could scare them with your face while I sneak up behind and blast them to oblivion." She starts laughing again. He mentally pinches himself. "Or-or you could─"

"Okay, I get it." Zuko punches her shoulder. She nearly falls over before catching herself.

"Needlessly rough, ZuZu."

"Stop calling me that," Zuko says, crossing his arms. He looks like a pissed two year old.

"Alright, Fire Lord Zuko."

"You actually made that sound worse than ZuZu."

"Nope. You're Fire Lord Zuko now."

"Stop calling me that!"

"I just can't win, can I? Okay, fine, _Zuko_."

"That sounds even worse! Just call me ZuZu, please."

"You've come to your senses at last." Azula is grinning quite wickedly. Zuko's face is almost as red as his scar. "Just because I'm being nice now doesn't mean I have to stop mocking you. I'll try to cut down making you cry like a little girl to holidays, though, instead of daily."

"You've never made me cry!" Zuko almost laughs at himself. He feels like a little kid around her. Their childhoods were robbed from them, and... maybe it starts now. Making up for what they lost. Perhaps. Just perhaps.

"Stop it. Ouch. Stop it. Ouch. Stop poking me," Mai moans as she comes into view. Ty Lee is jabbing her repeatedly as they walk into the throne room.

Azula and Zuko are sitting on the pedestal as if on the steps of a building eating lunch. Fairly disrespectful, but Mai appreciates the lack of blinding flames. They're... smiling? Things are getting downright _weird _in Mai's opinion.

"Mai wants to ask you something, Azula." Ty Lee says, holding one finger menacingly. Mai grabs Ty Lee's hand and wraps it in her palm. _No more poking._

"Do you want to come shopping with us?" Mai asks halfheartedly. Azula hesitates. Her smile is instantly gone. Zuko shifts his weight uncomfortably.

"Sure." Azula leaps down gracefully. Mai catches a glint of envy in Azula's eyes as she looks at the throne that was briefly hers, but no one else sees it.

"You're really not taking advantage of your royalty, Mai," Azula says as the three girls walk towards the shopping district of the city. Ty Lee stands between her two friends as a literal barrier, as Azula and Mai try their best not to even look at each other.

"I'm sorry that I'm not enough of a tyrant for you, _princess_," Mai replies and Ty Lee cringes.

"Friendship!" Ty Lee blurts out, hugging both girls. But it is futile.

"We should be being _carried_. Walking is for peasants," Azula continues, ignoring Mai's answer. Ty Lee takes a deep breath. She prefers palanquins to _walking_.

Mai freezes and Azula and Ty Lee have to double back. Azula's armed guards draw their weapons and Azula glares at them viciously. The Ozai glare, passed down from Azulon. They tremble ever so slightly, but stand their ground.

"Okay," Mai says, a strange intonation in her voice, "Azula, carry me."

"That wasn't what I meant," Azula mutters, rolling her eyes pointedly. But she is caught in her own arrogant comment.

"You love the Fire Nation, don't you? Carry me." They both plant their feet firmly on the cobblestone road. Ty Lee glances between them, hoping this doesn't explode. Literally, in Azula's case. "Come on."

Azula clenches her jaw. "I'm not going to _carry _you. I was royalty first." Azula starts walking, the clanking of metal army uniforms behind her. Ty Lee scampers after her and Mai leisurely strolls behind the entourage of embarrassment.

They arrive at the series of stores without further incident. Ty Lee clings to Azula's hand, noticing the stares of the patrons. _Please don't do anything reckless and insane._

Mai holds up a shirt, staring at it intently.

"Are you having a staring contest with a piece of fabric, Mai?" Azula asks airily, flipping through jewelry. She looks to be having too much fun, and it concerns Ty Lee. This was meant to be the moment when the terrible trio was back in business, but it is careening downhill faster than Ty Lee can keep up with it.

Ty Lee cringes as Mai bristles.

"I don't know how you talked me into this. Shopping is boring." Mai puts the shirt back on the shelf haphazardly. Ty Lee adjusts it, folding it neatly how it was before. "And she's a bitch."

"I am being extremely friendly and personable," Azula says without looking up. "You're being a wet blanket. As usual."

"I'm sorry to disappoint you," Mai replies wryly, also gazing intently at the shop's wares. "I forgot that everybody exists just to make you happy."

Azula tugs too hard on a shirt and it tears. Ty Lee apologizes to the shopkeeper, tossing them three gold pieces. This was a terrible idea.

"I'm going next door," Azula says, walking out of the shop. The guards follow her.

"You could at least try, Mai," Ty Lee says softly, handing her an armful of maternity clothes. Mai's knees buckle under the weight. "She's trying to be nice."

"She has her claws wrapped around you," Mai says sharply, walking the clothes to the register. The shopkeeper looks incredibly anxious. "I can't believe you're so blind."

"Why can't we just be friends?" Ty Lee sighs, exasperatedly. Mai drops gold pieces on the table and walks away without making eye contact with anyone. Ty Lee looks genuinely _sad_ and Mai feels a twinge of guilt.

"Look, I respect what you're trying to do," Mai says flatly. "I really do. But even if Azula starts handing out candy and hugging babies I'm not going to like her."

Ty Lee swallows.

"You liked her when we were kids. You two were _best friends_. I mean, I know it was a political move for your parents and blah blah. But you _really _liked her. I was popular before you two got to me," Ty Lee says as they enter another shop. This one smells strongly of cinnamon and dyed fabrics, an unusual combination. The acrobat is not blinded by the endless rows of pretty things that can belong to her, she can only see bright cerulean, and herself delving into depths of flames that swallow and devour. Maybe she will only pull Mai down with her.

"People change."

"Then she can change too," Ty Lee says and Mai cannot think of a counterargument. She just sits down on a chair meant for fathers, as Ty Lee starts picking out things that Mai will never wear.

[X]

Azula lies down on her bed, her face buried in the mattress.

"Do not wake me up. I don't care if the Fire Nation is being invaded. Do not wake me up," Azula orders, pointing aimlessly at the guards and her girlfriend. She pulls the covers over her body and sets a pillow on the back of her head. "No disturbances!"

Ty Lee walks away, shutting the door a little too forcefully. She waves to the guards as she walks down the hallway. Mai looks pissed off too. The trip was dissatisfactory. Ty Lee thought that the happiness from buying things and time alone together would cure the malady that is a friendship.

Mai and Azula were friends before Ty Lee came into the picture. They were inseparable, even if Mai's father was just using the friendship to get ahead with Ozai. Ty Lee remembers punching and kicking the wall in her prison cell as Mai just acted as if nothing had happened. It spiraled. The panic. Gnawing on her lips as she tried to choose between the girl she loved and the life of her best friend.

They chose. And, no matter how many frantic, fondling, fumbling nights they share, Azula will never truly forgive. Mai chose. And Ty Lee was dragged down with her. _No, don't think about it like that. They both mean well. Stay _positive.

"Well, nobody tried to kill anybody," Ty Lee offers, sitting down across from her best friend. "That's improvement."

Mai does not respond. "I don't want to hurt your feelings or anything, but I think that─"

"Yes, you think that Azula is pretending to be in love with me so that everybody will think she turned good and then she's going to pull off some terrifying surprise attack and overthrow you and Zuko and then invade all the other nations. And I'm going to be her human shield because I'll vouch for her and everyone will listen to me because I'm really nice and trustworthy and never lie." Ty Lee says rapidly, stumbling over her words. Mai is startled at how pissed she is. Ty Lee's eyes swim with tears and Mai's gut churns. She immediately feels like a bitch.

Silence.

"How did you know?" Mai asks, sounding unusually genuine.

Silence. This time the quiet and discomfort stretches endlessly through the hot air.

"Sometimes I think so too." Ty Lee is unusually quiet. "But I'm going to take a chance on her."

"So you're not completely oblivious for once?" Mai leans back, her hand resting on her abdomen. Ty Lee notices a small bump. Things are... different. Maybe they will never go back to how they used to be. Maybe some ghosts never go away. But she has to... _believe_. She has to.

"I know her too well to not expect the worst. But... I think that love can change people. I think it's the only thing that can change people," Ty Lee says, picking at her fingernails. She looks incredibly conflicted, her expression alien to Mai. To be honest, Mai never saw either of them in this particular light, and perhaps her fear comes not from Azula's lust for the throne, but from Azula's lust for Ty Lee.

"Some people just can't love," Mai says and Ty Lee stares at the floor. Now Mai feels like a terrible person. "But if it makes you happy..."

"Save it," Ty Lee says sharply, standing up so quickly she almost topples over. "I know I'm the only person who believes her. And maybe I'm stupid for it. I mean, believing what Azula says is never a smart move and I know it. But I do. I really do. And I don't expect anyone else to."

She storms out.

Mai stares after her for a moment too long. This is just too complicated. It's so much easier to not care about things.

[X]

"There are some moments where everything changes," Azula purrs, staring directly into her azure flames. They reflect in her eyes eerily. "It can be a split second, and your life is never the same."

Silence.

"How poetic," Ozai growls.

Azula tosses and catches the fireball. She does not know why she came back. Why she keeps coming back. She is drawn to her father like an insect to flame. But it does not engulf her like a stray bug in the lantern, it just calls to her. Perhaps it is nice to see him on her terms, not bowing, not broken, not subservient.

"I don't think I've ever had one," Azula lies. _Lightning flashes. Her lightning. Her life in front of her. No regrets. Then it collides with someone else. Victory does not matter. _"But that's what made Zuko flip. I saw it in his eyes."

"You certainly didn't tell me."

"It didn't serve me any purpose to. We were at that war meeting he was late for. And he had one of those moments," Azula says, switching hands. "It was intriguing. I was captivated by his ability to just leave it all behind. He had everything. Everything I desired. And he turned it away."

"He was a fool."

"Impulsive. He's impulsive." Silence. "I've always been five steps ahead." Silence. The lights go out.

"Until you trip over your own ego," Ozai finishes. Azula does not leave, but they do not exchange another word.

Pitch black. Azula is lost in her thoughts.

[X]

Azula has a vivid nightmare that night. She is dancing, atop of an oversized throne. Azula has never danced in her life, but she is swirling with Ty Lee. Swaying dresses, hair caught in hair, it feels sensual. Graceful, moving, most of the dance moves are the firebending forms that Azula forced herself to repeat when she was sad or scared.

The floor lights ablaze and Azula lifts Ty Lee up, swirling her above. Her big eyes are afraid as the flame licks at them. Azula blocks it with her ankles, the floor broken glass, she finds herself barefoot as she tries to keep Ty Lee out of the way.

She slips, blood trickling from her feet.

"Drop me. Take the throne," comes the voice of Ty Lee. The dance continues, frantically, avoiding the glass and the fire. "I can't do this anymore."

Azula shakes her head. She tries again as her ankles are torn open. The flames grow and she slides Ty Lee into a graceful dip, blocking the flame.

"Drop me. Take the throne." Again.

And Azula looks at the throne, feels the heat of the flames on her skin. Golden eyes flickering between the endless charade of blocks and dance steps.

She drops her. Ty Lee spirals out of sight and Azula is snapped into the throne. The flames die. The glass is gone.

"Why did you drop me?" comes the haunting voice. She feels the crown of the Fire Lord in her hair, but her body is twisting and contorting in eerie blue shadows.

"You asked me to," Azula's voice is hesitant, shouting into engulfing darkness.

"Why did you drop me?" Ty Lee screams, a voice in anguish.

Azula wakes up, gasping for breath.


	12. date

chapter twelve: date

* * *

_"Don't look, don't look," the shadows breathe  
Whispering me away from you  
Don't wake at night to watch her sleep  
You know that you will always lose  
This trembling, adored, tousled bird mad girl  
"Burn" - The Cure_

* * *

Zuko stumbles backwards after Azula's cerulean strike. "Not bad."

"Oh, that was better than not bad." Azula lunges forward, blocking as attack just as his fingers start to smoke. He flips her and she pushes off of his stomach halfway through, landing on one hand and crumbling slightly. A blast of flame grazes her cheek and she pushes herself up, tossing a whip of blue at Zuko's side, he jumps out of the way, kicking up a blast of fire from his ankle as he moves. She leans backwards as it shoots over her.

Zuko summons a powerful flame, but hers collides with it in the air and sends fire soaring into the throne room curtains.

"Those were priceless artifacts of our culture," Zuko says with a small laugh, jumping out of the way of a double fisted blast from Azula.

"They were ugly anyway." One of the curtains hits the floor and fizzles out as she shrugs and backflips over a jet of fire.

Punch, block, punch, block, punch, block and Zuko kicks up a flame into Azula's ankle. She breathes in sharply through her teeth. Ouch. Taking advantage of her fumble, he knocks her backwards. She pushes off with her palm just as she nearly topples and leaps forward, throwing twin swirls of fire, the smoke permeating the room from a single move. Zuko dodges.

"I thought I had you," Azula says, marginally impressed. They circle around each other, waiting for a moment to strike. The tension is palpable.

"You're presumptuous," Zuko remarks. Their hands simultaneously light up.

"Okay," Azula says, eyeing him closely. He does not expose a weakness, and neither does she. "Show me your little water tribe trick."

In a flash, she summons a bolt of lightning. Zuko catches it, surprised at how easily he did it after so long without needing to. But as it comes flying at her, she throws another a bolt and the two strands of lightning collide in mid-air. Neither has a chance to even gasp as an explosion rings out and sends them flying backwards. The siblings crash into opposite walls, blown back by the impact.

Zuko groans, rubbing his back as he stands up. The smoke is just starting to clear and his ears are ringing. Sound is muted.

"What made you think that was a good idea?" Zuko calls out, and Azula does not respond. He brushes the smoke out of his eyes as he walks forward. "Azula?"

He makes it to the other side of the room. She is lying down, sprawled in an unnatural position. Her chest does not move. Zuko panics, leaning down next to her.

"Azula?" _Fuck_. He takes her shoulder, gently, his heart racing. _Don't be dead. Please don't be dead._

Suddenly, Zuko is on his back and blinded by bright blue. His sister sits on top of him, pinning him down with her knees. She's laughing.

"You are _so _stupid," she cackles. Zuko tries to shake her off and fails, his face touching her fist of flames and sending him recoiling. "I win again."

"You cheated," he snaps, pushing on her again. She doesn't budge.

"I didn't think that was _actually _going to work. You were worried about me!" Azula jumps off of her brother, still laughing. Zuko brushes off his clothes and shoots her a glare. "Azula? Azula? _Are you okay_?" she laughs sardonically.

"That doesn't count as winning," Zuko grumbles like a child.

"If you say so." The smoke finally clears and they look at their surroundings. "Well, there go the curtains."

Half of the room has disintegrated. Cultural heritage completely desecrated by a wild explosion of lightning crashing. It was an incredibly stupid idea to throw lightning at lightning, albeit her aim was impressive. The table stacked on the wall, taken from the middle of the room and shoved to the side, is charred and crumbling. And everything not made of stone is smoking.

"Was that worth it?" Zuko asks, gesturing at the carnage.

"For winning a play fight, no. For the look on your face when you thought I was dead, oh so worth it." She walks away, still shaking with silent giggles.

As soon as Azula is gone, Mai walks into the throne room. She glances around at the devastation. Zuko expects her to sigh, roll her eyes or scold him. She generally does not approve of playing with fire.

But she says, "Why was all of this so flammable? How did it even...? We have people coming here."

"We threw lightning at lightning." Zuko scratches the back of his head, blushing.

"You... threw lightning at lightning? Are you effing kidding?" Mai says, sighing. "She brings out the absolute worst in you, Zuko."

"I know." And then they both laugh.

Things are looking up.

[X]

Ty Lee wakes up with a start. The room is dark and chilly, despite the day's sweltering heat. She takes a deep breath, reassuring herself that her nightmare was not real. Right here and now is reality, and whatever is in her mind is just a trick. But it felt so vivid, grasping her by the throat and throttling her.

She saw his eyes. They were a dark brown, through the mask. Ty Lee stared directly at them as she strangled him. Attempted murder was one thing. Paralyzing enemies, nothing wrong with that. Momentarily stealing bending and breath, only to leap away and not deal with the consequences. But... she killed someone. She killed someone and it haunts her endlessly.

"Why are you awake?" Azula.

"I-I don't know how you can sleep soundly after everything you've done," Ty Lee says, sitting up. She draws her knees to her chest, shaking.

"I don't know how to respond to that." Azula sits up too, leaning against the back of the bed. Her eyes droop slightly. "Are you having nightmares?"

"I killed someone," Ty Lee breathes, as if it happened yesterday instead of weeks ago. Azula touches her hesitantly. The pointed nails brush against Ty Lee's skin, the tips of her fingers picking up on the cold sweat. While Azula will not admit it, she knows the sensation of nightmares all too well.

"I guess I'm lucky that I can do whatever I want and feel nothing at all," Azula purrs, reaching for Ty Lee's hand. The acrobat loosens slightly. "Look, it'll get easier. Not that I would know, but, from what I've─"

Ty Lee jumps into Azula's arms, clinging to her. Azula chokes slightly, but allows it.

She falls asleep in Azula's arms. Azula is still awake. She has not slept in days. Sleep is for the weak, she tells herself. But she holds Ty Lee there, feeling her breathing. Sometimes their breath matches up, and sometimes it does not and Azula hastily adjusts her breathing. It feels better for it to be in tune.

Ty Lee stirs and Azula's hand winds up resting on the star shaped mark. Scarred into Ty Lee's flawless skin. More marks, like branches on a tree, move down around her spine, almost a tattoo of the path of rogue lightning.

_Azula watches her brother take a bolt of lightning. Sacrifice._

_Who would sacrifice their life for another? Who? As she fights for her life, that thought spins in her mind. And as she is left alone for hours, her tears dry and her clothes stay wet. _

_But she thinks about Zuko taking that bolt of lightning, and how no one would ever do that for her._

_Perhaps, a creeping thought came as she tugged at the imprisonment of her wrists, perhaps because I would not do it for them._

Azula does not sleep.

Ty Lee wakes up to Azula gone. She fell asleep as the sun came up, but she could have sworn the princess was still wide awake. Well, she did not expect Azula to be there when she woke up. She stands up, stretching, and walks through the palace. Azula's guards are gone from the door, so she must be somewhere.

Azula is half awake. She got out of bed and trained for three hours, obsessively, endlessly, tormenting herself with pursuit of perfection. It was the only way to forget. There is nothing but the fire. Nothing but the burn. Motions so perfectly memorized from studied papers and gazes of adulation at those she surpassed within minutes.

A beautiful room, with golden dragons on the walls and a neverending fountain with golden fixtures shaped like fish in the middle, that Azula's hair is doused in, finally being fixed. The cut by Ursa was not exactly couture for a princess.

Her nails are being done but she does not feel it. One of the servants eyes her nervously. Azula's thousand yard stare makes the hands of the person washing her hair tremble.

"Princess?" The servants freeze as Azula jolts, sending a nail file flying at the wall. It collides with a loud clash as she splashes her body with water. "Sorry." Ty Lee offers an apologetic smile.

"What do you want?" Azula asks, her words feeling fast... or maybe too slow. "I didn't... I didn't mean that."

Ty Lee is beside Azula in an instant. She is glad to see that the princess is trying to keep up with her health and her beauty, and is ordering people around. But her eyes are weakened, and it makes Ty Lee feel anxious, her mouth dry. They do not make eye contact as Azula listens intently for the reason Ty Lee has intruded.

"You're taking care of yourself. That's good," Ty Lee says, smiling. Azula returns a feeble smile. She feels nauseous. "Except... you were already awake when I woke up last night."

"You woke me," Azula lies and Ty Lee does not know what to say. "I sleep for days sometimes. I don't have insomnia. You're being paranoid."

"I... okay..." Ty Lee blushes. "I just was going to... Yeah... I was wondering if you wanted to go out to dinner tonight."

And she is gone.

"That was super weird," Azula says aloud, but not to anyone in particular.

[X]

Azula is on a date. A date. She has never been on a date before and it almost baffles her. They are at an expensive restaurant, she is dressed nicely, crown in her hair. People stare and stare and stare but she tries to ignore it. Ty Lee looks very pleasant. Well rested. Azula envies her momentarily. Isn't that routine by now? Being jealous of the circus freak who punched out Azula's heart with a couple quick jabs and a smirk.

"You look pretty. Your servants are very competent," Ty Lee remarks and Azula has no words in response. Nothing witty.

"So... this food is... edible." _Well done, princess. There's a reason they say you have a silver tongue. That Ba Sing Se hinged on your words. Yes. Put that charm to work._

"It is, princess," Ty Lee says, her affirmation patronizing. But Azula accepts.

_Moments. Moments like these. Pivotal moments that turn everything on its head._

"I wish there was better service."

"They look terrified." Ty Lee feels a brief moment of sympathy for the wait-staff.

"Would you like me to scare them for you?"

Silence. Ty Lee's smile creeps in. The sympathy is instantly gone. "Maaaybe."

"What do you want?" Azula asks, slightly excited. This is exhilarating. Perhaps the date will not be miserable.

Ty Lee picks up her glass of expensive liquor. And with graceful, toned fingers, she drops it onto the floor. It shatters and the stares from silent patrons intensify.

"A new drink." Ty Lee laughs.

The waiters have already arrived at the sound of the crash. Azula taps one of their shoulders and they look about to vomit. Excitement sparkles in Ty Lee's eyes.

_Six years ago, Azula and Ty Lee have been bonding in Ba Sing Se. It is going in a direction that terrifies Azula, not that she would show it._

_"Is this a date?" Ty Lee asks, touching the flavored ice to her tongue. It sticks to her face paint. They do not have frozen ice in the Fire Nation; it seems to be a luxury of Ba Sing Se. She deeply approves of the food selection, although she misses sizzle crisps in the middle of the night._

_They are in Ba Sing Se, alone together. The emerald dresses are hot in the sun, but it is cold compared to the Fire Nation. The face paint melts slightly as Azula constantly adjusts hers with her thumb, white and red incessantly stuck beneath her pointed fingernails. The Earth King had blabbered something about taking a break and that they work so hard for the Earth Kingdom. Quaint. It made Azula smirk._

_"It can be if you want it to be," Azula replies cavalierly as they walk through the streets of the Upper Ring._

_Ty Lee takes Azula's hand. Azula moves to slip her fingers away, but decides against it._

The waiters look about to cry when Azula is done with her monologue. Ty Lee is grinning ear to ear. If there is anything Azula is good at, it is scaring people. They are laughing as they finish their food and drinks. When they leave, they hold hands tightly, feeling tethered together in the Universe.

The streets of the capitol city sparkle in the night, red lanterns lit. Azula's watchful guard shuffles around the two lovers as they move through the city.

"I never spent much time out of the palace," Azula remarks, looking around. "The city is not as gross as I thought it would be."

"Well, only rich people can afford to live here," Ty Lee says, squeezing Azula's hand.

It feels warm. Like a gentle fire.

_Five years ago, they are on another date in the Fire Nation. Not that Azula would call it romantic._

_"Is this a date?" Ty Lee asks, leaning against the wall of the tea shop. They are in the Fire Nation Capitol. Mai has slinked off with Zuko and Azula looks sullen._

_"It can be if you want it to be," Azula replies, mimicking her words in Ba Sing Se. It has been a few weeks since they returned to the Fire Nation, and in two days they leave on vacation._

_"Well, I'm really not sure what we are, princess," Ty Lee says, walking closer to Azula. The princess looks even more displeased. Something is upsetting her, but Ty Lee is not dumb enough to pry. "We have this thing going on, that's pretty romantic in my opinion, ever since we went after Zuko but..."_

_Azula swallows. She does not want to confront her feelings for the circus freak. They are more complex than even her detailed plans for securing the war and the throne. Princess Azula the Conqueror does not feel or love. And Ty Lee, with her bouncy bright optimism is not going to change that._

_"Maybe it's not a date," Azula says, a certain harshness in her purring tone._

_And so it isn't. They are just friends._

_Or, at least, they will try to be just friends._

Azula kisses Ty Lee. They are at the end of the street. A firebender is performing for a crowd, a bowl filled to the brim with copper and silver pieces in front of them. They watch for a moment, Azula pointing out all of the problems with his form. But Ty Lee is wide eyed and impressed.

They walk towards the pier, the soldiers around them drawing attention. Azula almost doesn't notice being stared at sometimes. _"That's her. The princess." "The one who went crazy?" "Mhm." _The whispers are all the same. And she pretends she does not hear them.

"Our first date, huh?" Azula says, looking out at the water. The light from the moon glitters on the waves, big steel ships anchored in place. There are so many fewer after the war, most of the great dreadnoughts dry-docked. Everything feels _different _in the post-war Fire Nation.

"More like our fifth. But you didn't like to call them dates," Ty Lee says, a small smirk on her lips. It almost looks like Azula's, but without the wicked sparkle in her eyes. "I'm amazed by the willpower it took you to refuse admitting we were together."

"I'm stubborn." Azula does not want to confront her past. "So how's my trying to be good for you?"

"Kind of funny," Ty Lee remarks and Azula's eyes flash, then return to their normal icy gaze. "But I think it's for the best."

"You fell in love with a monster," Azula says softly, playfully, oddly. She smirks as Ty Lee's heart races. "But, just because I'm filing down my fangs doesn't mean I don't recall how to bite."

They lean in very close at the exact moment of her words. Azula presses her lips against Ty Lee's, and slowly, deliberately, bites down. The acrobat only melts further into her. She is one to play with fire, isn't she? Ty Lee pulls away, touching her own lower lip with gentle fingers. Azula smirks smugly, her arms crossed and her eyes sparkling as she leans back.

"But... Azula..." Suddenly the tone of the date changes and Azula's heart races. She calms it with a silent, deep breath. More challenging to take a deep, controlled breath at night. She feels constricted without the sun. "You... you were lying about your love for me bringing your bending back, weren't you? And... you... you see me as a human shield. You took our past relationship and used it like a weapon."

"That's not true." Oh, the lies we tell ourselves. And sometimes ─ always with Azula ─ they encompass others.

Azula finds a bench. It's shiny and new ─ put up under the regime of Fire Lord Zuko. Azula would have conquered the world, while Zuko makes beautification projects and helps build buildings in the Southern Water Tribe. They lean together in the darkness.

"It's really hot tonight," Azula says, her words stumbling from her lips.

"Was that small talk?" Ty Lee asks, laughing. And the acrobat is instantly swung away, as if upon trapeze, from the dangerous conversation. Azula relishes her control, and tries to disguise her relief.

"I try." Silence. And then suddenly, it all spills out of her mouth, "We were together, weren't we? And I just... but you... you and that Sokka boy and those other boys and how was I even supposed to─"

Ty Lee presses her lips against Azula's, cutting her off.

"You always were jealous."

They kiss again.

The guards fidget uncomfortably as the two girls make out for a long while on a bench by the pier.

[X]

"I know you were lying," Ty Lee says loudly and coldly. Her wide eyes are admonishing and hurt.

Azula jumps nearly a foot. Ty Lee is sitting in Azula's room, waiting for her. The look in her big eyes is a new one Azula has never seen before: scolding.

"You're going to have to be more specific." Azula leans against the wall, suppressing a yawn.

"You don't sleep at night. You disappear at four in the morning and are gone half the day. You only sleep when you're trying to avoid confrontation. You have nightmares too," Ty Lee says, the words spilling out of her mouth like stampeding animals. Azula takes a deep breath, and when she breathes out, her nasal passages burn with smoke. "And you're playing me."

"You're wrong." Azula shrugs and turns around. _Please._

"I know the truth about your bending! You told me it came back because I was in danger and I believed it like a dumb schoolgirl! Zuko and Aang decided not to take it away and just kept it under wraps to appease King Kuei and Chief Hakoda and all the others!" Ty Lee shrieks.

Azula's shoulder shake and she quickly runs away, not wanting to confront her lies.

"Don't walk away from me!" Ty Lee leaps to her feet.

Azula spins, her hand flying to Ty Lee's throat. She grabs her, pressing down. Her fingers heat up, singing Ty Lee's neck. And then Azula catches herself. Azula lets go, stumbling backwards.

"I'm sorry."

It's too late. Ty Lee runs away, crying.

Mai is just trying to walk down the hall when someone collides with her. Ty Lee wraps her arms around the Fire Lady, sobbing hysterically. Mai is baffled, and angry, and filled with emotions. But she stifles them, as she has become so talented at doing.

"What's wrong?" Mai asks, her tone remaining as flat as she can make it. _Azula, I should've killed you when I had the chance..._

"I'm so stupid." Ty Lee sniffs in. "Why do I... I don't even know."

Mai guides her to a chair and helps her sit.

"What did she do to you?" Mai asks and Ty Lee shakes her head. "Tell me."

"Nothing." Ty Lee falls silent and Mai wants to stab someone. "She's... she's just herself. I don't know why I trust her."

"I could have her banished," Mai suggests and Ty Lee curls up into a ball. It didn't help. "Just imagine the look on her face if she was exiled."

"That's not funny. You're not funny!" Ty Lee turns away. "I'm leaving."

She sniffs in, walking towards the door.

Mai wants to stop her, but decides against it. It is easier to not care about these things.

Isn't it? Isn't it?

"Why am I so stupid?" Azula mumbles in frustration. She freezes. Then she burns a hole in her bedroom wall. That didn't help. "I'm so fucking stupid. Can I not just... I don't even... I'm talking to myself."

She lies down on her back. Time to give up. Definitely time to give up.

This isn't worth her time.

Ty Lee doesn't come back. Azula doesn't know why she expected her to.

[X]

Someone knocks on the door and Azula leaps to her feet. Her head swims with the newfound habit of apology, but when she opens it, she is met by her brother. Azula steps back, wanting to slam the door. But her lips don't move, and neither do her hands. She sits down.

"What do you want?" Azula asks, her voice feeble. Zuko takes no pleasure in her weakness.

"Ty Lee left."

"If you're trying to illicit an emotional response from me, you'll have to try harder than that." Azula stands up and walks to the window. Zuko remains behind her, in the shadows, facing her back. She will not let him see her this weak.

_Weakness. Weakness. Failure._

"Don't give up," Zuko says desperately. He seems to _believe _in her. It is pathetic.

"Why shouldn't I? Some people are just born monsters. I don't think I can change." Pause. "I don't think I want to."

She's lying. But no one can tell. Azula is only good at one thing. Lying. Lying. Lying. She lies like a rug. And only once has she regretted it; that once is right at this moment. And in response to the fables from her tongue falling around her frail form, she lies some more.

Zuko sits down. He somehow, deep inside of him, knew it would end this way. They are nothing alike. Azula always had everything she wanted, and everything always worked out. She cannot handle being _good_. It doesn't get her what she wants as easily as she would like.

"If that's your choice, I'll respect it," Zuko says. He expects her to strike at him. Waits momentarily for the crackling of lightning, the flash of blue. But she continues to stare through the window, her shoulders barely moving with her breath. Control. Azula always had control.

"She's really gone? You're not just fucking with me?" Azula asks. Her voice is slow and slippery. It unnerves him as his body tenses for a fight. But she stays still. So perfectly still.

"Yeah."

"I think I'm out of luck." She was born lucky; he was lucky to be born. But their luck has flipped.

"Maybe. No one's forcing you to be good," Zuko says earnestly. Azula is still eerily motionless and soundless. "It can go back to how it was. Before everything."

"Your idealism is nauseating," is all Azula says. "I can't just close my eyes and pretend that six years didn't happen."

"You really love her, don't you?" Zuko loosens for the first time in a conversation with his sister. If she strikes, he is screwed.

Silence. It stretches for a long time, Azula as frozen as a feline stalking prey, and Zuko analyzing her absent movements. "No." Airy. Purring. Cavalier. She turns around. Her eyes are tear stained, but they have a newly invigorated wicked gleam. "I _used _her. Too bad she ran dry so quickly."

Zuko stands up. "That's what I thought." He is a terrible liar. You would think he would be better at it, coming from their fucked up family.

And he leaves her. She slams the door and locks it.

Then she cries. Silently. Crumbling. Curled up tightly.

_"My own mother thought I was a monster. She was right, of course, but it still hurt."_


	13. feelings

chapter thirteen: feelings

* * *

_"The police seemed to think I killed her, which is crazy, because I loved her like a thousand drops of blood dripping down a dagger."  
\- Jarod Kintz, This Book Has No Title -  
_

* * *

Ty Lee arrives on Kyoshi Island. The trip was riddled with storms, and she spent it restless. Choppy seas, broken heart. When she gets there, her friends are happy to see her. They pretend that nothing has happened and Ty Lee is astounded by their ability to do so.

"I thought you quit," Suki says. Ty Lee sits down, her back hurting with the motions. She was uncomfortable and cramped, although she was on one of the nicest ships in the Fire Nation. She thought she would be happy to see Suki again, but instead, it wounds her.

"It was a bad decision. Can I come back?" Ty Lee asks and Suki nods. Suki is incredibly relieved that Ty Lee has come to her senses, though she thinks it was not done in the most pleasant of wars.

"Of course. We can always use such a fantastic warrior," Suki says warmly and Ty Lee smiles. It's... forced. Her smile is forced. For the first time. The very first time. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah. Just a little tired from the trip." Ty Lee yawns and stretches, grins, and grabs her bag. She lugs it to her house. It is less impressive than the Fire Nation Palace, what with volcanoes and fancy sculptures and her cultural heritage. She always will love the Fire Nation, even if she keeps it on the down low around the people that her country spurned.

She tosses her bag on her bed. It's perfectly made, unlike Azula's mess of ruby blankets. The island was never _home_, per se. But she made do with what she has. What she _had_.

"Everybody wearing clothes?" Sokka pounds on the door. His voice brings a bit of cheer to her otherwise dismal sensations. Friends. Friends other than Mai and Azula are probably good news.

"Even if I weren't wearing clothes you could still come in!" Ty Lee shouts and the door bursts open. She leaps into his arms. Wrapping her legs around him, they are in an awkward embrace. Sokka nearly topples over with the force of her hugging.

"Don't let Suki hear you say that," Sokka says, dropping her. She lands on her feet gracefully.

"Tell me a joke." _I could use a laugh._

"This is why I missed you," Sokka says, grinning ear to ear. Ty Lee tries to smile and fails. "Okay-okay... "

[X]

The morning light trickles through the windows of the dining room, and Ursa has only just noticed her daughter's disappearance. She has not been at breakfast since Ty Lee left, and suddenly Ursa's heart pounds in worry.

"Where's your sister?" Ursa asks as Zuko eats breakfast.

The morning is bright, the sun orange, the flowers blossoming. Last night was nearly silent in the palace, and Zuko spent the entire day with his advisers. Something feels painfully _off _about the Fire Nation today. And he cannot put his finger on what.

At his mother's words, Zuko frowns. He loves Ursa, but her problems with Azula have started making Zuko less pleased and more angry. Could he and his sister start getting along? He does not know.

"She's been in her bedroom for eight days and you just noticed she's not here?" He is astounded by his mother. She always knows where he is.

"She avoids me like the plague, Zuko," Ursa says earnestly and he has to agree with her. Azula has made surprisingly little contact with Ursa throughout her escapades of late. "Her girlfriend left, didn't she?"

"Back to Kyoshi Island." Mai walks in, stretching. She feels gross, like every morning, and she feels even more twisted up and queasy at the fact that Ty Lee is not here. Her dramatic exit, Azula's retraction into herself... It has not been a pleasant eight days, especially for Mai.

"You look sick," Ursa says, as oblivious as usual. Mai can sometimes understand why Azula hates her, though she would never confide that in Zuko.

"Just hurling my guts up." She sits down next to her husband. "Mornings are really quiet without Ty Lee."

Silence. Mai is right. Zuko feels a surge of inexplicable frustration, as Mai feels the earliest motions of an infant. Five months pregnant now, according to doctors. They are close together, yet miles apart somehow. Everything feels wrong for Zuko, and he is still trying to figure out why.

"So, I have a question," Mai says, noticing the tension in the room. "So, this is the Fire Nation. And in the throne room, which is literally _on fire, _the curtains are extremely flammable. Whose idea was to make the throne room so flammable?"

Mai isn't answered.

Zuko just wants to burn something to the ground. But he has more fires to put out than incite.

[X]

_Azula and Ty Lee are in the Fire Nation once more, and their relationship has become much, much more complex. _

"_Let's play yes and no," Ty Lee says five years ago and Azula rolls her eyes. Mai is with Zuko again and Azula is stuck babysitting her best friend._

_"We're a little too old for that. I think we outgrew 'yes and no' around the time we tried to drive a drill through Ba Sing Se," Azula sighs, but she knows Ty Lee will insist. The girl has admirable perseverance, even in the presence of the powerful princess. "Okay, okay, we'll play."_

_"You first," Ty Lee says and Azula sinks further into her chair. This is unbearable._

_"Alright, alright: do you have any siblings?"_

_"You could at least try."_

_"I'm really trying, Ty Lee." Lie._

_"Okay, ask again." This is painful._

_"Do you have any siblings?"_

_"I have a lot of siblings," Ty Lee says, offering a smile._

_"Do you wear a braid?"_

_"Most of the time I do."_

_Azula starts going faster, "Is your favorite color pink? Do you have advanced combat training skills? Do you know at least seventy pressure points?"_

_"My favorite color is pink. I do have advanced training skills. And─"_

_"Are you incredibly childish and boring?"_

_Silence. Ty Lee squirms uncomfortably as Azula sits like an ice sculpture."How about your turn?" Ty Lee offers, grinning._

_"Fine."_

_And Ty Lee asks a tirade of bright question to which Azula will reply without saying yes or no almost instantaneously, almost cutting off the question. Ty Lee specifically suggested the game because Azula was good at it. She thinks quickly._

_"Is there something romantic between us?"_

_"No." Lie._

_"You just lost, princess."_

_Silence. "I guess I did." She shrugs as Ty Lee shrinks several inches._

[X]

"What's wrong, Zuko?" Ursa asks, sitting down beside him in an ornate parlor filled with weapons from the war on display, gathering dust these days. She wraps her arm around him and he is greeted by the familiar warmth of his mother. He loves her so much, but, strangely, her presence does not console him.

"She was telling the truth," slips out of Zuko's mouth.

"Who?"

"Azula. And we didn't trust her. And now she's... broken. She was better and trying to be _good_. Azula..." Zuko does not know why he is so preoccupied by his sister's condition. After everything she has done to him, he should be glad that she is hiding. But... seeing her melt like this is unpleasant ─ almost torturous ─ to him.

"We had good reason _not _to trust her. How do you know she wasn't lying, anyway?" Ursa looks frustrated, and Zuko sees her through a lens he has never experienced before.

Azula lacks any semblance of integrity, Zuko supposes. But he thinks the one thing she was telling the truth about, is the most unbelievable thing she has ever said. That she was in love.

"She was crying."

"People can fake crying," Ursa replies, her tone escalating slightly. Zuko turns red.

Zuko pushes his mother off of him and walks away. He feels like an idiot. Maybe he did get played by Azula, but something in her eyes... she... He is getting his own feelings mixed up in it. The relief in his heart when he changed sides and found out that his honor was to be earned, it is twisted in Azula's feeble attempt at following in his footsteps.

_Azula always lies. Azula always lies. Azula always lies._

_And Zuko lies to himself._

[X]

On Kyoshi Island, everyone is noticing the change in Ty Lee, but no one knows if they should comment on it or not.

"Ty Lee, your heart wasn't in training today." Suki is picking out lunch at the market, Ty Lee beside her. The acrobat feels weird shopping without carrying everyone else's stuff. "Whatever she did to you... I'm sorry. She tortured me in prison. I can understand how you feel."

Ty Lee examines a fruit closely. She has not made eye contact with anyone since she came back, even when sparring. Her thoughts are only on the princess and she tries to silence them with punches, kicks and smiles. But nothing can make her forget the silvery touch. The late nights.

The fact that finally, for the first time, Azula admitted the obvious.

"She lied to me," Ty Lee says softly, openly. Her mouth is dry. It is less significant than being tortured by Azula, but her heart feels tangled and tormented.

She once heard about a disease where your heart simply gets too big for your body. Her uncle died of it. And now she feels like she has it; her very soul feels swollen by the way Azula emotionally wounded her. Maybe it was partially her fault. Maybe she should turn around and apologize and tumble back into Azula's arms. But her anger at the princess compels her not to do it.

Suki wants to say, _I told you so_. But instead, she hugs Ty Lee tightly. For the first time, Ty Lee does not return.

[X]

In the Fire Nation, Mai wakes up slowly, her head sore and her body riddled with nausea. She gets up to find Zuko finishing up a letter and tying it to the leg of a hawk in the small entry room outside of their bedroom.

"Who's that letter to?" Mai asks, watching the hawk fly away. It soars through the sky, finally disappearing into the sun. It is too bright out for Mai's eyes.

"My uncle," Zuko says and Mai nods. Iroh and Zuko converse regularly. It's kind of adorable. _Ew._ _Adorable is such a gross word._

Zuko is more in need of his advice than he ever has been.

[X]

"Azula." Pounding on her door with vivacity.

"She's not here!" Azula shouts to her brother. He stops knocking and sighs loudly.

"Azula open the door," Zuko snaps, rattling the handle. She pauses for a moment before pushing herself out of bed and unlocking her bedroom door. He walks in, bounding like a beast. She has never resented her brother as much as she does at this moment, and that is a substantial claim.

"What's so important?" she asks, looking him up and down. "You look worse than usual."

"So do you," Zuko replies and she has no comeback. "I know why you've having such a hard time being good."

"Because villains have more fun?" Azula suggests sardonically, shutting the door. Zuko tenses up.

"No. It's because everything comes easily to you. You're just good at everything instantly. Stop smiling!"

"Please enlighten me on how being good at everything is my big gaping flaw," Azula purrs, looking relatively smug.

"Because whenever something is too hard for you, you just give up. You're not used to having to work hard at anything, and so you quit," Zuko says and Azula swallows. He has a point.

Azula sits down on her bed, contemplating what he said. Zuko looks at her with an oddly hopeful expression, like a pet begging for scraps of food. She does not enjoy the fact that her brother is so desperate to help her. And she is well aware that there is nothing that can be done to mend the situation.

"Okay, let's say you're right," Azula says, holding up one hand with her palm out. "What am I supposed to do about that? Just _try a little harder_?"

"Yes." Zuko looks like he is about to start spitting sparks. "That's _exactly _what you're supposed to do about it."

"But if I've tried my best, then maybe it's impossible and a waste of time," Azula says, shrugging cavalierly. Zuko is literally smoking. "I'm being completely serious."

"See, you say things like that to avoid _having _to try and fail. Because you're afraid of failure," Zuko accuses, pointing his finger in her face. She narrows her eyes, looking at the point of his fingertip. And Azula stands up, brushing his arm aside. He looks hopeful again until she walks over and opens the door.

"I don't have time for this."

"You don't have time for this? You have nothing to do except lie around and sulk!" Zuko jumps up. Azula points out the door. "You know what... fine. Just think about it. It'll sink in eventually."

"Don't get your hopes up, brother." She slams the door behind him.

Who does he think he is coming in here and psychoanalyzing her? Asshole. She had enough of that in the asylum.

[X]

"You seem pretty upset about leaving the Fire Nation," Sokka says, sitting with Ty Lee. She is not dressed for training yet, and has her face in her hands. Her hair has not been combed in twelve days and Sokka is just noticing her misery. "You love somebody, don't you?"

"You could say that," Ty Lee says with a slight sigh. Sokka has never heard her _sigh _like that. It is wistful and silky, as if musing on a long forgotten dream. Ty Lee was putting together the pieces of the princess, but it seems, while doing so, she broke herself.

"It's really hard leaving somebody behind like that. Who is he?" Sokka knows the feeling of a broken heart, and it is written all over her face. He aims for sympathy, not humor.

Ty Lee hesitates. _Not a he. A she. A princess. _My _princess._

Sokka corrects himself with, "You don't have to answer that."

And Ty Lee leans in and kisses him on the lips. Sokka jumps back as if she has thrown fire at his face.

"I shouldn't have done that," Ty Lee murmurs, her voice constricted with emotion. She leaps up gracefully and runs away, shoulders shaking. Her sobs rouse birds from the trees.

Sokka is incredibly confused.

[X]

_After the failure of the drill, Mai and Ty Lee discuss boys while Azula chews out forty year old generals. _

_"He is pretty good looking," Mai remarks, sitting back on the ship heading towards the Fire Nation. "Not my type. But pretty good looking."_

_Azula is behind the locked doors of the captain's cabin, giving some kind of terrifying speech to a recoiling general. Ty Lee peers through the circular __window__, her ear pressed against it. She picks out the words, My father, failed design, execute, demote, Avatar and not my idea._

_"You don't have a type, Mai," Ty Lee says, slinking away from the door._

_"Well, apparently your type is water tribe peasant," Mai says, smirking. Ty Lee scowls at her and she chuckles. "You like the muscles, huh? But the ponytail..."_

_"You know who else has a ponytail?" Ty Lee says, crossing her arms tightly over her chest. "Zuko."_

_Mai shrugs. "I guess."_

_Azula comes out of the room, the general leaning against the wall and looking ready to faint. She is exhaling smoke as she slams the door behind her._

_"So. Close," she mutters to herself._

_"Do you think the Avatar's friend is hot?" Mai asks and Azula's lips part in surprise. "We need your opinion."_

_"Is that... is that what you're thinking about? We have to go explain to my father that we failed and broke a priceless piece of Fire Nation equipment that took several years to build, and your concern is the level of hot that water peasant is?" Azula purrs, somehow managing to sound collected and livid at the same time. Ty Lee stumbles backwards slightly, but Mai snorts. She was always bolder around Azula._

_"Come on. How hot? I say like seven. At best. But just because he clearly works out," Mai says and Azula clenches her fists._

_"Nine," Ty Lee chimes in._

_"Nine?" Azula's eyebrows shoot up. "A nine? He is at best a four. I'll be in my room. No disturbances!"_

_And she saunters off down the dimly lit hallway._

_"A four?" Ty Lee asks, crossing her arms. Mai snorts._

_"She's definitely a lesbian."_

_"Don't say that." Ty Lee waves her hands frantically._

_"I'm calling it right now. Lesbian."_

_"Shut up, Mai."_

[X]

"It's been a while, little princess," Ozai growls from behind bars.

Azula shuts the door in the masked faces of her guards. "_Don't you dare_," she purrs, and they step back. She can sense their fear. It thrills her in a way she has not been thrilled in some time.

"I've been occupied," Azula says, slinking down to where she usually sits. She does not light a single flame. They are in total and complete darkness. "I want you to tell me something."

"I suppose I have nothing better to do." He sounds displeased, but she does not care.

"Have I always been... Am I...?" She trails off. Swallow. Think clearly. "Am I afraid of failure?"

"People fear what they don't experience. So, yes."

Hmph. "Have you gone soft, locked up in here?" Azula asks mockingly, though his praise still consoles her. _What kind of sick masochist am I? _Pause. _The kind of sick masochist who is foolish enough to fall in love._

Silence.

"You seem like you could use a guiding force. I'm guessing that the little circus freak ran off on you. What did you do to her? Burn her? Hit her?"

Ozai is stunned when from the darkness, two slender hands are on his throat. But as quickly as they lashed out, they pull away, retreating out of the bars. Azula is off of her game. He has her now. The foolish little princess danced back into his clutches.

"I'm sorry, Azula," he lies. The room lights up in blue. The shifting flames make their shadows dance on the grimy walls. "She isn't trustworthy."

"Who is?" Azula snorts derisively. "Who the hell is?"

She is slipping. He tries not to show his excitement; she could read it so easily. Azula was his most competent weapon. But, while she exploits all in her path with ease, that makes her more vulnerable to manipulation. Make her think she is holding the strings, and she will do as she is told.

"She was your downfall. You had it all, Azula. You could have won that fight if you weren't so upset about her betraying you. Did you think she would be Fire Lady? Did you think you would have a happily ever after with her?" Ozai taunts and Azula starts to leave. "Have I ever misled you?" Ozai says and Azula hesitates.

"Our relationship was never _healthy_." She is slipping through his fingers. Fuck. "I used you to get the Fire Nation, and you used me to get your way. There was never trust, father."

"You didn't answer the question."

The fire goes out. His heart skips a beat.

"No... no you haven't," Azula replies.

[X]

In Mai and Zuko's bedroom, Zuko is rubbing his temples in frustration, and his wife is attempting to console him.

"I don't even understand this." Zuko says, staring at the letter his uncle responded with. _Why does he talk in riddles?_

"When have you ever understood your uncle?" Mai asks. They are cuddling like they used to, and it feels nice.

"Good point." Zuko kisses her neck. They hold hands and Mai blushes light pink against chalk white. "Okay, so I've been thinking about what to do about Azula."

"How about leave her alone?" Mai sits up and the mood is instantly killed. She crosses her arms and steadies her feet.

"For _years _you said," Zuko begins, standing up, "be nicer to Azula, Zuko. Give Azula a chance, Zuko. Azula's really not that bad when you get to know her, Zuko. Azula is my best friend, Zuko. Here I'm going to throw knives at you because Azula told me to, Zuko. She tries to kill you _one time _and suddenly you hate her?"

"She wasn't exactly the best friend," Mai says, looking sullen. _But she was your first friend. And always there for you, in her own terrible, selfish, spoiled way. You really cared about her..._

"You really liked her a lot. She has tried to kill me countless times. And I'm─"

"Okay, look she was fun to hang out with. And being on her good side has a lot of perks. But she tried to control me worse than my parents," Mai says earnestly, though she is making more excuses for herself than Zuko.

"You hold a grudge."

"So do you."

"Didn't you take up throwing knives at things because of Azula?" Zuko says, coming at her from another angle.

"Well, yeah, your father said she couldn't hang out with us anymore after she became next in line for the throne. She had to train. She we decided to train with her. Loophole exploitation. And we actually got pretty good," Mai says honestly, remembering the story with a strange _fondness _in her voice.

"So you admit that she's worth doing that for."

"Yeah. She's worth a lot of things but I don't want to be any part of them right now."

Silence. Zuko sits down again, but his time they are separated on the sofa. Being in Mai's old house is nice, but it feels oddly bittersweet now. These walls hold secrets and lies and Zuko can feel them reverberating in his descent. Azula wrapped her claws around him and is pulling him down as she sinks into cerulean. He can almost feel her talons on his chest, digging into him.

Mai takes a deep breath and says, "Zuko, you're not doing this because you think it's best for her. You're just on a mission to right some wrong that isn't even yours. This hero complex is _infuriating_. She doesn't need a hero. None of us do."

Zuko frowns. He hates how right she is, but he also feels that Azula is his responsibility. Maybe he is developing a hero complex. That would not be unheard of for Zuko, after his final transformation years ago. But she is his responsibility ─ she is. And she needs somebody to trust in her, to believe in her and to believe her, not based on fear or resentment.

Mai continues, "You have this fanciful notion of being the one who turns the ultimate villain into the Fire Nation's sweetheart. It's egotistical and pretty degrading to an accomplished girl like Azula. You just want to beat her at something for once."

And... Mai hits the nail on the head. Zuko feels queasy.

"Why don't I take her on a soul searching adventure?" he suggests, thinking of winning over the Avatar and his friends back at the Western Air Temple. It is a solid idea.

"I don't think she has a soul to search." Mai looks angry now. Well, as angry as she can look. "If you want to do this, I'm not going to stop you. But I'm going to say _I told you so_ when it's your ultimate demise."

"I accept that." Zuko lies back down.

[X]

"Azula, come with me," Zuko demands fiercely.

She looks at Zuko like he is insane. Maybe he is. He stands face to face with his sister, who is leaning in her doorway in a slippery angle. She still looks miserable, albeit a cool, calmness about her. But still, she is disheveled and he thinks he has the only way to fix it. He spent the entire night planning their adventure.

"Yeah... no thanks." But she does not move.

"I have to take you somewhere," he says. She tilts her head to the side.

"You really think I'm going to trust you like that?" Azula moves to shut the door again and Zuko slides his foot in the way. She touches her two fingers together and the guards outside of the room move into a defensive stance. Zuko holds up a hand for them to stop and they reluctantly ease.

"I'm the _only _person who trusts you. I think you can trust me just one time," Zuko says and Azula hesitates. He does have a point, as much as she is loath to admit it.

"Where are we going?" Azula asks, eyeing him closely. This is incredibly suspicious.

"It's a surprise."

"I don't like surprises." The number one thing that Princess Azula hates is surprises.

"You'll like this one." Silence. "Alright, I think you're being a coward."

"Excuse me?" Azula's eyes flicker in a way that would make the bravest warrior cower. But Zuko stands his ground ─ this is the only way he can save her from herself.

"You just lie in your bed and try to sleep away your problems. Lock the door so no one can challenge you. That's not the Azula I know and despise. You get things _done_. Nothing stops you and you face impossible odds and somehow, you still pull it off. It's sickening to see you just lying there. You've gone from the most accomplished person in the Fire Nation to the laziest girl I've ever known. And I know I'm pissing you off but I'm just being honest," Zuko says rapidly and she slams the door on his foot. He pushes it open and she doubles back. "I was trying to compliment you!"

"Your charm is undeniable." Azula crosses her arms and steadies her feet. Her eyes are ablaze.

"Please. Just come with me, and I promise you'll be happy."

"Why would you want me to be happy?" Azula asks. Zuko turns to leave. "Ugh. Okay, but only because I have nothing better to do."

"I knew you'd come to your senses."

Azula leans over the edge of the ship. The sea wind is cold and salty against Azula's chapped lips. She chews at them until they bleed and the air stings against them. Zuko is next to her, but they are not saying anything. It is oddly blissful, Azula must admit. Zuko's stomach is jumping through hoops like a circus animal.

"So, are you going to tell me where we're going now?" Azula interrupts the silence and it is clearly unwelcome. He shakes his head and disappears into the belly of the ship. Wonderful.

[X]

_"Happy, ZuZu?" Azula asks, appearing behind him. It is too long after the fall of Ba Sing Se, too long after he saw her sitting on that throne, and he felt in his gut that he made the wrong choice. And it was only a day ago. He cannot believe she helped him. And he cannot believe he betrayed Uncle. "You're in Fire Nation waters now."_

_She sets her hand on his shoulder. He does not shrug it off, though he feels as if he wants to._

_"You've been staring at the floor for an hour. Would you like us to turn around?" Azula removes her hand and stands in front of him. He is looking at her feet. "I can ask them to. Or you could. You're royalty again. Say, thank you, little sister."_

_Zuko does not respond. He looks so conflicted and tormented. She recalls fighting Uncle with him, their flames combined against an old feeble man. And then the Dai Li, Azula's new pets, had him shackled. Now, he is a gift to Fire Lord Ozai. But Zuko looks oddly... displeased._

After all I've done to help you. Have it your way, _Azula thinks._

[X]

Azula sits at the table nailed to the floor. Zuko is across from her as she picks at her food and he eats. It smells strongly of foreign spice and Azula does not like that. She prefers the food of her homeland, thank you very much.

"Don't ask me again," Zuko says as Azula opens her mouth. She rolls her eyes.

"So, what do you want to do? Talk about our feelings?" Azula offers, pushing her plate to the side. She rests her hands on the table, palms up. It feels like a trick. "Reminisce?"

_"The only way we win is together. At the end of this day you will have your honor back."_

Zuko does not respond.

Azula continues with, "You know, I never had anything against you. You were... an obstacle. But, if I had been born first, I think we could've been friends."

"I think a lot of people would still be alive if you were the elder child," Zuko says and Azula's eyes twitch slightly, but other than that, she does not move. "I think our father wouldn't have banished me if you were the elder child."

"What? You think I would be stupid enough to─"

"You weren't there. I wasn't going to let them sacrifice those lives," Zuko says, his fork melting with the heat of his hands. She strikes his nerves so easily. _Nerves_; now she is thinking about Ty Lee again. Ugh. No one breaks up with Princess Azula! Except... except for her.

"I wasn't talking about the war meeting. I would've fought back in the Agni Kai."

"You would have lost."

"But I would've tried," Azula says, and then realizes she has fucked herself with her words. Zuko smiles.

"See, that's what I was telling you about. Sometimes things are worth trying, even if they feel impossible," Zuko replies and Azula stares at the cracks in the table. They dance slightly in her fuzzy vision. "But, what I was saying before you interrupted with your infinite wisdom of the wicked, was that our father banished me to get me out of the way so you could rule the Fire Nation."

_He wasn't lying. _Azula tries not to let on that she has been in contact with Ozai. So far, it seems that Zuko has no clue.

"And why would he want that?" Azula purrs, not missing a beat. "I always was under the impression that he developed the opinion that I was better suited the moment you disgraced him."

"He was always grooming you for it. That's why you're afraid of failure. Because he made you that way. He made you a lot of things," Zuko says and Azula throws one hand to the side, a map of the world bursting into flames. She watches it burn, nostrils feeling with the stench of sweet smoke. It does not make her feel any better.

"You have no idea." She starts to stand up and then hears weapons being unsheathed behind her. Azula sits back down. _Not worth it. Nowhere to run._

"No, I don't have any idea. While I was searching for the Avatar I wasn't exactly in touch with my little sister," Zuko says, a strange sincerity in his voice. Azula is intrigued. "I mean, I wondered what happened to you. Mostly, I hoped terrible things happened to you. But I wondered."

"It was nothing of note," Azula lies and Zuko analyzes her for a moment. She gets away with it. "Life goes on when you're not in the room, believe it or not."

Silence. Zuko wants to press further, more questions, but he does not.

"You know," Azula says as the map dribbles the last of its ash to the floor, "I was thinking about what I told you. I said that some people are born monsters. I don't think that's true. I don't think anyone is born evil. I just think some learn to be evil quite quickly."

Silence. He does not know if she is speaking about herself, or just in general. He finishes his food.

"I always saw you as an enemy, and father as a savior. But you were an extension of him," Zuko says, surprised at how they have opened up to each other. These adventures are strangely magical, Zuko supposes.

"So, we're talking about our feelings now?" Azula brushes off the question again. "I was more than an extension of father. I did more than he ever completed in his life, by the time I was fourteen. All of his victories were because of me."

"You don't think he fucked you up?"

"I never said that. I think father left more marks on us than just your scar. But we made him; he didn't make us," Azula says, picking at her fingernails. Zuko listens to her intently. "I have no problem with father, though, all scars aside. He was always kind to me. He didn't think something was wrong with me; he thought I had potential."

"That's why you were loyal to him," Zuko says and Azula shrugs in response. Dealing with her is impossible. He remembers briefly a confrontation between he and Azula that he managed to push out of his mind, but never managed to forget. It was short and bitter, in the hallways of the palace. _"I saw father leaving your bedroom last night." _to which Azula replied seamlessly, _"I don't know what you're talking about, ZuZu." _and he just left it. He had more important things to worry about than Azula's wellbeing ─ like the Avatar still being alive. And he never regretted it until this exact moment.

"I think he was a good father," Azula says slowly and forcefully. "He may have betrayed you, but he never misled me."

The dinner ends in silence.

[X]

"Can I ask you something uncomfortable?" Zuko says, approaching his sister from behind. She is at the bow of the ship, wind whipping through her hair. It smells of salt and ice. They are near the South Pole, but Azula is unaware of their exact direction.

She wanders like a ghost through the nearly empty ship. And Zuko seems to be the only one who sees her, save for the scrutinizing eyes of her guard.

"Nothing's stopping you." She doesn't look up.

"So you and Ty Lee─"

"If you're going to ask me how lesbian sex works I'm going to push you overboard." Azula smirks faintly at his aggravated expression.

"That wasn't what I was going to ask," Zuko says, bristling up. He is so easy for her to prod and piss off. "I was going to ask if you told her how you felt."

Azula does not want to talk about this. "Why don't you give it your best guess, ZuZu?"

"That must hurt." The honesty in Zuko's tone feels like an arrow dipped in poison.

She closes her eyes and breathes out smoke. Envisioning lightning going through his forehead is the only thing preventing her from pushing him into the choppy waves. Lightning is clarity to her. When she makes it, everything in her mind goes away. There is harmony, logic, acquiescence. And it glows and glitters a brilliant blue. When she first mastered it, she used to twirl in circles to watch the pretty lights that her fingers made. And thoughts of it console her more than thoughts of other things.

"It doesn't. I've made it clear that I don't have feelings," Azula says. She stands very still again, Zuko notices. Her level of control comes from confidence, arrogance, mastery of lightning. She can make her body do as she pleases, her words sound as she likes them to, bend the will of others, be purely _perfect_. But she could not hold onto one foolish circus freak.

"Regrets are unprofessional." Zuko leans against the corner of the ship. He mirrors Azula's words with a slight mockery and condescension in his tone. The angle they are standing at is strange, and the physical closeness stranger. "They distract you from your goals."

There is no sound but the wind and waves for several heartbeats. Azula bites down on her back teeth, feeling a tingling of tears in her nose. But she takes a deep breath and keeps her face expressionless. Wickedness in eyes that are begging to conjure tears. _Don't let him see. You are powerful. You are heartless. And you like it that way._

"You've melted my heart, ZuZu. I've seen the error of my ways. Have a treat," Azula purrs sarcastically, watching Zuko's teeth clench. Azula turns around, and before he can say anything, she walks back to her room.

[X]

_Six years ago, Ty Lee is about to board a ship to the circus. The _circus_._

_"So, I guess this is it, huh?" Ty Lee says, holding Azula's hands. Her palms are sweaty and warm but Azula does not care. The princess masks her disappointment very well. "You can come to any of my shows! I hope you do." She really does._

_They are standing on the docks of the pier. Azula was dragged from her palanquin and into a minute long hug. Mai is already gone, from the decreasing amounts of sullen letters, she has been drifting from colony to colony, and now Ty Lee is on her way off as well. Her entire family is here, and Azula is avoiding them so she does not have to admit she does not know any of their names._

_It's okay. You have more important things to worry about as crown princess. Much more important than both of your friends leaving forever._

_But it's not okay. She does not feel okay._

_"It's been nice knowing you," Azula says calmly, starting to slip away. "Have fun walking on your hands."_

_Azula starts to pull away and Ty Lee yanks her back. As guards clutch their weapons, Ty Lee kisses Azula on her lips. Eyes wide; Ty Lee's are closed._

_First kiss. _

_Stunned speechless._

[X]

"I have an idea," Zuko says. They are approaching land, but Azula does not know where. They are somewhere between the Earth Kingdom and the Fire Nation, but she never had to pay attention to geography once she stopped being quizzed on it in the classroom.

"Alright." They are eating dinner, Azula forgoing all but a few bites. It must be some kind of _weird _Earth Kingdom food. The protein of the dish is absolutely baffling to Azula, although it is drenched in orange sauce.

"A quid pro quo," Zuko explains. "I tell you where we're going, and you answer just one question."

"Well, that's not fair. You know what I'm asking, but I don't know what you'll ask," Azula says, pushing her plate onto the floor casually. Zuko cringes at the crash of glass. She does not even move.

"We're going to Kyoshi Island." Zuko proceeds without invitation. Azula's eyes flicker wide.

"You're kidding. I can't face her. Why would she even want to see me?" Azula stands up. She twists her two fingers together and struggles to keep them from lighting. Restraint. Restraint. Restraint.

"I'm helping you."

"Why would you want to help me? I don't understand. I've done nothing but screw you over since the day I was born," Azula says. Her fingers light up. She puts it out.

"Because you deserve better," Zuko says, fearing he sounds like his uncle.

"I don't need to be _fixed_, Zuko." Her fingers light up again. Restraint. Restraint. Restraint. "I don't need your help. I don't need anyone's help. I can take care of myself."

"I'm not trying to _fix _you. I just... oh, never mind!" Zuko jumps out of his seat. "Azula, you're my sister and I love you!"

She hesitates. And then she walks away.

"You're a coward!" Zuko shouts and Azula spins around. Blue flame grazes Zuko's ear, exploding on the metal wall behind him. He leaps into a fighting stance.

"Agni Kai. Right now," Azula demands, holding up her arm.

"No thanks."

"Don't mock me!" Azula is almost entirely on fire. Zuko takes a deep breath, and stands still and calm. "Fight me! Fight me now!"

The guards draw their weapons and Azula blasts them backwards. Zuko waves them away and they reluctantly leave.

"I'm not going to fight you." His tone is so relaxed. Azula just wants to... wants to... she doesn't know anymore.

Azula fizzles out. She looks so small when she isn't throwing fire at people.

"What's your question?" she demands, an odd tone in her voice that Zuko cannot place.

"Is this an elaborate ruse?" Zuko asks and Azula is silent. "Are you playing us? Or are there really two sides to you?"

"You wouldn't believe me no matter what I said." And she is gone.

Zuko punches the wall.

[X]

On the bow of the ship, Zuko and Azula stand, the sea air spraying against their faces.

"I tried to burn down this island," Zuko says, noticing Azula staring at the foreboding land mass in front of her. She actually looks nervous. He does not think he has ever seen Azula look _nervous _before in his life.

"Why?" Azula asks, turning around.

"The Avatar was here," Zuko says and she smirks.

"You burnt down an island for one person? You have _finesse_." Azula turns around again. Swallow. "What am I going to say? What am I supposed to do?"

"Be honest. Tell her how you feel."

The ship lurches as it reaches land.


	14. honesty

chapter fourteen: honesty

* * *

_"Kiss me, and you will see how important I am."  
\- Sylvia Plath -__  
_

* * *

The air is clear, fresh and bitterly cold. Azula never got used to the frigid air of the other nations. She remembers entering Omashu and seeing snow. Not white ash, but _snow_. It was strange. And this island is dusted in white, verdant grass poking up, but not nearly as green and moist as in the Fire Nation.

Azula already knows there will not be a warm welcome when the Kyoshi Warriors arrive at the dock with weapons drawn.

_"Don't you know fans just make flames stronger?"_

"Is there a reason you're here?" A Kyoshi Warrior with thick black hair approaches, standing so close to Azula that she can smell her foul breath. "No offense meant to the Fire Lord, of course."

_Only offense meant to me, of course. _Azula crosses her arms, but knows she must _bear it _if she wants Ty Lee back. These kinds of sacrifices are usually not made by royalty... nor by Azula. But she is out of options.

The warriors have instantly surrounded Zuko and Azula, all looking completely identical, save for slight variations in their hair. But none of them are Ty Lee. Perhaps Azula is happy about that; Ty Lee would probably have already blocked Azula's chi and thrown her in the ocean. The islander's hearts raced when they saw a Fire Nation ship in the harbor, despite the end of the war. And none of them are pleased to see the royal siblings, despite Zuko's prowess as a kind and compassionate Fire Lord. Both of them have wounded the warriors too greatly to easily forgive.

"Can we see Suki?" Zuko asks in a sickeningly polite tone. Azula just wants to smash her way through the buildings and to seize her girlfriend and get out. She fantasizes about it briefly, before realizing that she is stuck navigating _manners _and _compassion_.

The world is no longer kind to conquerors.

"Yeah." The painted and decorated girl gestures towards the village. Zuko walks forward and another Kyoshi Warrior steps in front of Azula. Great.

"You try anything and we'll feed you to the Unagi." She points her finger in Azula's face. Just one little breath and her finger could burn off, but Azula forces a smile.

"I won't be a problem," she purrs, brushing past. As soon as she catches up with Zuko, she murmurs to him, "What's an Unagi?"

"You don't want to know," he replies, frowning slightly. Obviously something that beat him at a fight, Azula guesses.

The princess is not impressed by the village. It has probably never been walked upon by such royalty as her. The buildings have thatch roofs and dirty ruffian children play in the streets. They all wear more blue clothing than Azula has seen in her entire life. It is absolutely disgusting. Only someone who tolerated the circus could go from the Fire Nation to this place. Despite the way the filthy village strokes her superiority complex, her heart is in her throat. This is the last thing she wants to be doing.

They reach a quaint house in the center. Girls are training with swords and fans; it almost looks like firebending, Azula notices. The careful movements, articulately practiced. Azula's technique almost ─ light on your feet, waiting for an imbalance and then striking. One girl wobbles slightly, behind the pack. Azula smirks at her futile attempts at perfection. Ty Lee is not here. Maybe she did not come back to Kyoshi. Azula secretly hopes so.

"Watch out!" comes a familiar, grating voice. _Oh, just kill me now_.

The water peasant Sokka is holding a sword in her face. Sighing pointedly, Azula lights one finger and runs it down the middle of the blade, splitting it in half. Sokka's eyes widen and his expression sours. The air smells like burning metal, bitter and repulsive. Like _industry_, something that Kyoshi Island has never seen before.

Zuko pushes her and she curses at him.

"She didn't mean that," Zuko says exasperatedly, seizing Azula's arm and holding her. "I'll buy you a new sword."

"It was my sword." Suki steps in beside Sokka. "I have plenty of others. But I would suggest that the princess keep her fire to herself."

Azula takes a deep breath. "I'm sorry. I just don't like weapons being pointed in my face. But I'm _really_ coming in peace. I don't want to hurt any of you." It is _painful _to say. This better be worth it.

"I don't buy it," Sokka says, dropping the melted sword on the ground. It is still hot enough to singe the grass that it falls on. Suki eyes it with disdain and then looks back up at Azula.

"You two shouldn't have come here," Suki says, somehow making the insult sound kind. Azula tries her best not to be offended. Violence and deception are not the easiest way to get what she wants at this moment, and it is a challenge. She feels as if she is balancing atop a small pole. "Ty Lee made her choice. She's not afraid of you, Azula."

"I prefer being addressed as princess," Azula says and Suki grits her teeth. Azula sighs. "I'm very sorry that I tried to kill you. It was cruel and unnecessary. I'm sorry that I impersonated you and your little friends. I'm sorry that I tortured you in prison. If it makes you feel better, I was also tortured in prison. It isn't a nice thing to do to someone."

Silence. Sokka tilts his head to the side, eyes narrowed. He does not buy it for one second. Suki makes a strange sound in the back of her throat. Then her lips twist, then her shoulders slump. Azula reads her every move: hesitant, but oddly willing to take a chance. Hmph.

"I accept your apology," she says, though her tone is slightly bitter. "Ty Lee has been miserable. I never thought I would see her so unhappy."

"She stopped laughing at my jokes!" Sokka exclaims in addition.

"That might be your sense of humor, Sokka," Zuko says, clapping him on the shoulder. Azula is disgusted by her brother's fraternization with these people.

Azula breathes in. This is far out of her element. Literally. "I... I just want to talk to her. I'm not here to kidnap her. If I were, I would have done it already. Please."

"No," Suki says firmly, her feet spread out and dug into the damp earth. Her make-up is smudged slightly under her eye from the sweat. But it is ice cold this close to the South Pole. She is nervous... _incredibly _nervous.

"That's not your choice," comes a voice that makes Azula's stomach twist up in knots. "Hi, princess."

"Hi," Azula says and Zuko steps beside her. _I don't need your moral support_. "I..."

Ty Lee walks further into view. The expression on her face is hesitant and _angry_. Azula does not look any better. Suki watches with her hand on the handle of one of her fans.

Sokka looks genuinely pissed. _Whatever guy Ty Lee was in love with is not worth getting buddy buddy with the Fire Nation Princess._

"Spit it out, Azula," Ty Lee says, her voice vicious in a way no one present has ever heard. Suki begins to regret her forgiveness. Azula nearly chokes on her own saliva. She _knew _this was a bad idea.

"I want to be honest and tell you how I feel," Azula says, using her brother's words. Ty Lee loosens as the warriors tense and the spectators gather. "Ty Lee, in my life, there was only one thing I truly wanted. I wanted to rule the Fire Nation, and in extension, the world. I was a bit of an overachiever. ─ That was a joke. Okay, don't laugh. ─ And I had it, briefly. I had all I ever wanted. But I didn't want it anymore. Because, well, because you weren't there. I thought you had betrayed me, but when I assaulted Mai, I had betrayed myself. You were right to rescue her. And when I was in that brilliant, blue throne room, it wasn't as sweet as I thought it would be. You weren't there. I used to believe there was no such thing as right and wrong. But, there is one right and wrong; you're right for me, and I'm wrong for you. My father said I could never love. I don't think that's true because I love you. But, while I'm gifted at a multitude of things, I'm very bad at loving. So... well... I guess that's how I feel about you. I look like an idiot. I'm going to leave."

Azula turns and starts walking towards the docks, secretly knowing that she will be stopped. But she can pretend to be surprised. And then someone grabs her. Before she can light up her hands, she is pulled into a passionate kiss. She gasps for breath and finds herself face to face with big brown eyes.

"I love you too," Ty Lee says, touching Azula's hands. Azula is, for the first time, at a total loss for words.

"Will you marry me?" Azula says, the question popping out of her mouth before she can think it through. Zuko's eyes widen, his scar stretched in surprise. Suki drops her fan. Sokka gasps loudly, like an obnoxious child.

"Yes! Of course!" They are kissing again, this time as what must be the entire population of the island watches.

[X]

"Be honest and tell her how you feel. Not _propose marriage_!" Zuko throws his arms in the air in exasperation. Sometimes Azula fucking baffles him. Actually, most of the time she does.

They are on the top floor of one of the buildings on the island. Zuko notices shoddy paint over char marks from when he tried to burn the place to the ground. Azula is sitting on the windowsill, the sunset painting her orange and red.

"Now do you see why I avoid being honest?" Azula does not seem thrown off at all by the gravity of what she has done. "I don't personally see a downside." Shrug. Zuko cannot believe that she seems _happy _with the terrible thing she has done. This is like her smirking over a murder.

Then it hits him. Maybe she _wants_ to get married. Zuko pauses. He never thought that Azula could actually desire that. But... maybe... She has been surprising him constantly of late.

"We're throwing a party!" Ty Lee runs into the room, the floor creaking. Azula is unimpressed with how poorly these peasants live. She just wants to get off of this rock, but, it _will _be nice to see the people she scorned throw a _party _for her.

"The Kyoshi Warriors are throwing Azula a party?" Zuko asks, looking aghast.

"It's so exciting!" Ty Lee grabs Azula and she nearly falls out of the window. And then she is dragged down the stairs by her fiancée.

A gathering of identical looking women, an old man with a grey beard, a bunch of peasants garbed in blue and Sokka and Suki are in the lower floor. The table is filled with food, none of it very appetizing. Except for maybe whatever that pastry is. Azula grabs the pastry while no one is looking.

"I have to say I was not expecting that," Sokka says, sidling up to Ty Lee. "Were you always gay? Because you came onto me pretty strong."

Sokka guesses the _guy _Ty Lee was in love with, is a _girl_. And of all girls, Princess Azula. He has to say he was shocked. The Fire Nation Princess may be attractive ─_really attractive_─ but she is not exactly a catch.

"My powers include, fire, lightning and turning women lesbian," Azula replies wryly and Sokka laughs. She was not expecting that; Sokka has a clear deep seated loathing of her, but he... laughed. Today is confusing; Azula needs a long nap and to practice with lightning for a few hours.

"But really?" Sokka eyes Ty Lee expectantly.

"You're cute, Sokka. But Azula is hot."

"Yeah, she's really smoking."

"I mean, she's like on fire."

They burst into hysterical giggles. Azula bites on the inside of her cheek, fighting the urge to roll her eyes and tear Ty Lee away from the peasant.

"I see you've become acquainted with Sokka's jokes," Suki says with a small, strangely genuine smile, walking up and standing beside him. "You get used to it."

Azula has no intention of getting used to any of these peasants. But she supposes she will humor their little party. She takes a bite of the pastry. It tastes _astounding_.

"This is good," she says, but no one is listening.

[X]

"I must capture the Avatar to restore my honor," Azula says in a dead-on Zuko voice, her hand over her eye. The Kyoshi villagers laugh and Azula smirks.

"You forgot the zutail," Ty Lee says, seizing Azula's hair and molding it into a Fire Nation ponytail. Her bangs fall over her eyes slightly.

"The-the what?" Sokka asks with his mouth full.

"The zutail," Ty Lee says, dropping Azula's hair. "It's Zuko's ponytail."

Uproarious laughter. Azula leans over to Zuko, who is looking particularly sullen.

"Having fun, ZuZu?" she purrs in his ear. He bats her away.

"Tell us more stories about Zuko," Sokka insists, barely containing his mirth, and Azula complies. Zuko buries his face in his hands.

"Oh, I could tell embarrassing stories about my brother for hours. Once, we were fighting, and I was on top of him, pinning him down─"

Zuko's eyes flash. If this is the story about... he should just kill himself... but, to his relief, it is the story about his feeble lie to his father, and not a problem that afflicts teenage boys and _does not mean _he is attracted to Azula, which would be disgusting and absurd.

"─and so our father walks in and he is absolutely livid about us fighting. I mean, it went from sparring to me throttling him, basically. And Zuko says, 'We're not fighting', and I think our father is going to have us whipped or something for lying. So, father says, 'Then why are you covered in blood', seeing as Zuko's nose was bleeding at the time. And he says." Azula has to stop because she has started laughing so hard, and everyone is listening intently. "He says, 'Azula is... Azula is on her period."

Uproarious laughter.

Azula launches into another story, this one about their childhood in Ember Island, and the time Zuko got caught in seaweed.

[X]

The feast is over and the Kyoshi Warriors have lost the face paint and now look distinguishable as people. The resentment towards Azula is evident in their words and actions, but Sokka is completely won over, his arms around she and Ty Lee at their every move. Or maybe he just wants to watch them make-out; in Azula's mind, it could go either way. The villagers are more open to Azula, not having been thrown in abhorrent Fire Nation prisons or beaten up. Zuko looks incredibly unhappy, which makes Azula quite pleased.

There is a stack of wood on the beach. It towers, most of it cold and rotting. It looks damp from the snow and smells terrible.

"Azula, Azula, light the bonfire!" Ty Lee insists and Sokka frowns. "Oh, _come on_."

"If you insist." Azula shrugs and with a single kick, the bonfire erupts. At first it flickers azure, but then it dies out into a roaring red. The little kids look in absolute awe at the firebending. Azula does a small bow and they giggle.

"We're leaving, Azula," Zuko says bitterly as they sit around the fire. He looks it up and down and then looks even more pissed.

"You just don't like it that they like me more than you," Azula says, patting his chin. His fingertips smoke. "Look, you wanted me to come on your little adventure with you, and I did. I thought you wanted me to be happy."

"You're up to something," Zuko growls and Azula shrugs. _She better be up to something because this is freaking me out._

"If you say so," she purrs, standing up, walking away and lying down beside Ty Lee. She is locked in conversation with Suki and Sokka. They bask in the heat of the fire as they listen to the rush of the waves of the chilly bay.

The acrobat and the princess kiss. It is kind of like the faerie tales that Azula never read but heard so much about. Where the stunning princess falls in love with the beautiful stranger and the spirits or parents or an engagement or a beast tries to keep them apart but they pull through. She never had the romance part down, but she _is _a princess.

"You know, Azula," Suki says and Azula braces herself. "That speech you gave was pretty much the sweetest thing I've ever heard."

"I am a great sweet talker, Suki!" Sokka exclaims and Suki smiles. _You really aren't, dear, _Suki wants to say, but she will let Sokka have his ego.

"We got off on the wrong foot. The _way _wrong foot. And I still honestly don't like you. But maybe something inside of your twisted self is halfway decent," Suki says and Azula swallows. _I fucking hate these peasants._

"I'm trying," Azula says sweetly, and, while she heard it in her head as a lie, she realized it was the truth. Hmph.

"This was an awesome party!" Ty Lee says, wrapping herself around Azula. "It was really great of you guys. You're all invited to the wedding!"

Cheering. Wonderful.

[X]

Ty Lee walks back to the Fire Nation ship dancing around Azula, holding her hand, and dressed in Fire Nation clothes again. The dark cloud that hang over her has dried up. Remnants of the bonfire are on the beach as the citizens of Kyoshi Island go about their daily business. She never thought she would be so thrilled to go back to the Fire Nation.

"I couldn't believe you came for me," Ty Lee says as she walks into Azula's room. Azula kisses her and does not let the conversation progress.

Ty Lee clicks the door shut.

"Look, princess," Ty Lee says, stepping back slightly. "You have to promise me something if you want us to get married."

"I'm listening," Azula purrs, examining Ty Lee closely. She looks incredible for the first time... or maybe not. Azula is improvising right now.

"Never. Lie. To. Me. Again." The ferocity in her big eyes is unnerving. Azula feels off-kilter for a moment before she slips her hand behind Ty Lee's back.

"That's a pretty tall order," she breathes, leaning in close. She touches her tongue to Ty Lee's neck. "I think you'll have to make me an offer."

"Oh, really?" Ty Lee smiles, looking amused. She slips her hand up Azula's shirt. They fall into each other, clothes disappearing with surprising grace.

Azula presses her lips against Ty Lee's. Fiancée now. Their tongues intertwine, travelling the world within her lips. Her hand slips around, behind the back of the acrobat. Fingernails dig into her spine, sharp, but... welcome. It sends a shiver through Ty Lee's body that she cannot explain the pleasure of.

They are stepping backwards, mouths hitting and missing. It is painfully awkward, in many ways. Azula has her back against the steel wall, the curve of the ship pressing her tighter against the feverish body of Ty Lee. Fumbling with her clothes, stripping them off as they fall loosely. The strap of a bra tickles Azula's ankle, but she can barely breathe, barely move.

Bliss. Azula finds herself on the bed, her clothes peeling from her body with hands faster than her own. The acrobat swirls her finger around the inside of Azula's thigh. She takes a deep breath and exhales smoke. Unintentional. Halfway embarrassing, but Ty Lee presses her lips against Azula's hip. The bones protrude, but the taste on her tongue is tantalizing.

Tongue, sliding, moving, down, Azula is swirling to somewhere and someone she is not. Never does she let her mind turn off like this and devolve into something so human. Orgasm. Pulling her, tearing at her with sharp nails and trained hands. Bruises blossom from the ferocity of the tackle.

Azula takes control of the situation, though she is making it up as she goes along. Her hand caresses cleavage. Her breath is labored, and she feels like she can hear it too loudly and she wonders if Ty Lee hears it and she loses control again as they frantically tumble.

Overthinking. Overthinking it. Pinned against the headboard. The Fire Nation flag tears from it as Ty Lee slides up and down with the force of Azula's hands. Moans. Moans? Azula is making her moan and she is so confused by it.

"Ouch, fuck," Ty Lee murmurs as Azula pushes too hard and she pulls back, fingers her own, sitting backwards, leaning, breasts exposed to the hanging lantern that swings with the wave. "It's okay. I'm not hurt. Your nails... It's nothing."

And they are kissing again, instant forgiveness. Azula gives in to the tantalizing temptation and allows the acrobat to guide her on a journey of ferocity and pleasure. Control is gone. Heat. She thinks she breathes out smoke more than once, and they fall together in the end.

It is like a battle, except two people win. Ty Lee has flexibility and Azula has passion. It somehow mixes itself into something messy, hot and utterly intoxicating. They have certainly improved from that night as fourteen year old girls exploring something forbidden.

The times before, the sex was mechanical, tongues, textbook. And tonight, the offer Ty Lee made was some kind of insanity. Azula now feels as if she has truly experienced sex, more than just a trade off of orgasms from fumbling hands.

They fall asleep, intertwined, to the rocking of the ship on its way back to their homeland.

[X]

Zuko does not interrupt his sister for the rest of the several day trip. He is well aware what she is up to, and he wants no part of it. The trip to Kyoshi was effective in the way it influenced Azula, but it also was not pleasant for Zuko personally.

He also supposes he has a lot of explaining to do after whisking away Azula without informing anyone, and bringing her back engaged to be married.

"Can you imagine Mai's face when we tell her we're getting married?" Ty Lee asks, staring out of the window and seeing the slowly approaching Gates of Azulon.

"I don't imagine it will move very much." Azula lies on the bed, hands clasped over her lower abdomen. "She was never expressive."

They arrive on land and are escorted back to the palace. Ty Lee clings to Azula's hand the entire time, Zuko tagging along behind. He looks incredibly displeased. Ty Lee shouts at every pedestrian, rich, poor, young and old, "I'm getting married!" She gets a lot of sweet words in response. Azula keeps her eyes glued to the ground.

The whispers about her are the same, regardless of royal engagement. They never change.

She watches two people exchange a glance unrelated to Ty Lee. They look at Azula and bow. She doubles back slightly, confused, but they are still making the sign of respect that .Azula has not received in some time. A nod, a wink. Another joins them.

And then Azula is whisked away by her guards, Ty Lee still informing all of the citizens of her good news.

"Mai! Mai! Mai! Mai! Mai!" Ty Lee screams, walking through the palace and throwing open doors. Azula is dragged along as Zuko walks to the throne room, having to catch up on work.

"Agni, I'm coming," Mai says, rubbing her temples. She walks up to the two. "Why did you come back?"

"Mai! Mai!" Ty Lee says something jumbled and confusing.

"Tone down the excitement a little; it's early," Mai remarks and Azula cringes.

"I'm getting married!" Ty Lee hugs Mai tightly, forgetting to let go of Azula. It is a cinnamon scented assault of the bouncy acrobat that sends her two best friends reeling.

"Oh, what do you know, her face did move," Azula comments airily as Mai makes a terrified expression. She points between them, speechless.

"You two are getting _married_?" Mai asks, finding words. "_Married_?"

"Yes," Azula purrs, squeezing Ty Lee's hand. "I proposed."

"_You _proposed?" Mai sits down. She feels dizzier than usual. "What do you gain from this, Azula?"

"Zuko said to be honest and tell her how I feel," Azula says and Mai's lips part in surprise. Ty Lee is bouncing from foot to foot.

"Zuko has a lot of explaining to do," Mai mutters to herself.

"Engaged!" Ty Lee squeals.


	15. children

chapter fifteen: children

* * *

_"Children begin by loving their parents; after a time they judge them. Rarely, if ever, do they forgive them."_

_\- Oscar Wilde -_

* * *

If someone were to walk into the throne room at this moment, they would probably be baffled. Wedding invitations are on the floor, scattered about like a great breeze hit them. A table that has not been used in five years is in the center of the room, and four not-so-responsible adults are sitting on top of it.

The table is a map, dotted with pieces that represent fleets and platoons. The nations are painted upon it. Azula is sitting on the Fire Nation, perched with intensity in her eyes. Ty Lee is contorted atop of Ba Sing Se, glancing around at the three others nervously. She holds the glossy stick meant for pushing pieces as her Earth Queen scepter. Mai is on the North Pole, her arms outstretched and clinging to what represent fleets of Water Tribe ships. And Zuko is sitting on the South Pole, holding two measly pieces.

"Bam! North Pole takes all!" Mai exclaims and Zuko jumps. Never has he seen her so engaged in something before. She seizes two Fire Nation pieces and pulls them across the board.

"Well, I just occupied the entire northern Earth Kingdom. So watch out," Azula purrs. Ty Lee looks at her lost land wistfully and pushes another one of her pieces towards Ba Sing Se.

"What are the rules of this game?" Zuko asks, looking confused. He pushes his pieces around slightly before pulling them back to the South Pole. "I'm so confused."

"Zuko, help me liberate our prisoners of war," Mai says, gesturing at the group of Earth Kingdom and Water Tribe pieces surrounded by Fire Nation pieces on the ruby southwestern landmass.

"I have _two pieces_," Zuko says, holding up his designated defenses. "How am I supposed to invade the Fire Nation with _two pieces_? You have a couple fleets."

"You're never going to see your friends and family again," Azula taunts playfully, tucking the prisoners of war closer to her.

"What are the rules of this game?" Zuko repeats, baffled.

Ty Lee takes two Fire Nation pieces and puts them behind her back. Azula's eyes harden.

"You just left all those little cities exposed," Azula says, pushing four Fire Nation pieces into the delicately drawn cities. "Ha. Occupied!"

Mai examines the board, trying to figure out how to rescue her imprisoned. The Fire Nation has over half of the Earth Kingdom. A few Fire Nation fleets are patrolling the waters of the North Pole, but Mai's homeland looks marginally safe. Ty Lee is buffing up her reinforcements around Ba Sing Se and the Eastern Earth Kingdom. She has significantly more pieces than everyone else, but seems to have no clue what to do with them.

Slowly, Mai pushes a few of her fleets towards the Fire Nation. Azula does not notice, sending a few reinforcements towards Ba Sing Se. She and Ty Lee are in a standoff. Zuko looks doubly confused. Mai pushes them slightly closer, towards the northern tip of the Fire Nation. Down a little further. She pulls away the Northern blockade and enters Fire Nation territory.

Azula loses half of her pieces in her raid on Ba Sing Se. "Damn it! You can't let your fiancée win?"

"I don't even really know what I'm doing." Ty Lee shrugs and takes away Azula's pieces. Azula retreats.

Mai is so close. So close. She knocks out another brigade of Fire Nation troops.

"That's a volcano," Zuko says and Azula turns away from the Earth Kingdom. Mai could throw a knife through Zuko's face. "Mai, you can't just walk soldiers over a volcano."

"Zuko, I was like halfway through my stealth invasion..." Mai sighs, letting go of her pieces as Azula throws endless reinforcements towards them.

An hour ago, the foursome sat down to fill out wedding invitations. No one was getting along, but they were making progress. Until they broke out the old war table from days gone by.

"Ty Lee, stop invading the Earth Kingdom and help us fill out invitations," Zuko had snapped.

"Actually, the Earth Kingdom is invading itself," Azula said, gesturing at the green pieces. Zuko and Mai continued filling out royal wedding invitations, as Azula slinked over and picked up the Fire Nation pieces. She and Ty Lee went to war.

And somehow, in the course of that hour, Mai and Zuko were wrapped in as well.

"We're too old to be playing with dolls, anyway," Mai grumbles as Azula takes the Water Tribe invaders. She drops them off of the side of the table. "That was cruel and unnecessary, Azula."

"You could've broken them," Zuko says, but no one is listening to him. "These are priceless artifacts of the Hundred Year War."

"Alright, Fire Lord Azula," Mai says, narrowing her eyes and seizing her pieces. "Come and get me."

"I'll be there, Water Tribe Chief Mai, I'll be there..." Azula is conniving as Mai tries to steady her forces. Ty Lee is making two of her pieces kiss as Zuko watches in exasperation. "Ty Lee, help me invade the North Pole."

"Okay," Ty Lee says, picking up her pieces. Mai rolls her eyes.

"You'll need all of them," Azula continues and Mai sighs.

Ty Lee removes her pieces from Ba Sing Se and the east, and pushes them towards the North Pole.

Zuko interrupts with, "Those are foot soldiers. Did they swim across the ocean?"

"She said all of them," Ty Lee replies blithely and Mai sighs again.

Azula takes half of her navy and pushes them to the North. Mai knocks over all of her pieces, sighing three times as hard. She sets her hand on her chin.

"And the Fire Nation wins, "Azula says, grinning.

"But the Earth Kingdom is still in it strong," Ty Lee corrects and Azula's smile spreads.

"You fell for it. And _double cross_." Azula turns her pieces around and takes out the entire Earth Kingdom army. Ty Lee's jaw drops.

"How did you not predict that?" Mai asks, laughing slightly at Ty Lee.

"And then I take Ba Sing Se," Azula says, moving her pieces and occupying the city. "All that's left is the Southern Water Tribe."

"Avenge us, Zuko!" Ty Lee cheers and Zuko groans.

"I don't even understand the rules..." he says as the Fire Nation navy approaches his white splotch. Giving up, he knocks over his pieces.

"Why did you just give up?" Mai asks and Zuko gets off of the table.

"What would you do if the entire Fire Nation navy was coming at you and you only have two ships?" Zuko growls in response. Azula's hands are ablaze, illuminating the room in blue.

"That, ladies, is why I always win!" She leaps off of the table with grace.

"I'm still confused," Ty Lee says, standing up. She picks up the wedding invitations off of the floor. "We should probably finish these."

[X]

_"You will learn respect, and suffering will be your teacher."_

Why those words echo in Azula's mind as she tosses and turns is baffling to her. She cannot stop thinking about her brother's Agni Kai with Ozai. She dreamt about it, except in her dream, she was watching through the eyes of Zuko. It was the best day of her life, but thinking of it fills her with discontent.

_"Please, father, I am your loyal son."_

And then the words, _"Have I ever misled you?"_

She thinks to her fourteenth birthday. It was two days after the Fire Sages declared that the Avatar returned. Needless to say, a girl who was used to endless parties and presents was forgotten. For the first time, she faded into the walls against her will.

But her father apologized. He did. He felt bad for forgetting her birthday, though he had many times before. He...

Azula waited for her birthday dinner for the entire night. She never ate. She just sat there, and eventually fell asleep on a cold golden plate. And Ozai walked in looking for tea in the morning and found his daughter. And he... apologized, as soon as Azula reminded him that it was her birthday and he promised to have dinner with her. And that she waited for twelve hours, even when the servants told her to simply eat and forget about it.

_"You're late," is all Azula says, though she fears he will punish her for insolence._

_This is petty. I'm thinking about my fucking birthday. Ugh._

"Are you okay?" Light voice, the opposite of Ozai's shadow. Azula turns on her side, looking at her fiancée.

"Just thinking," Azula responds softly, examining Ty Lee closely. _I could trust her. Someone who was willing to die for me... I could. _"My father told me something." This is difficult for her. Honesty. But she wants this to work. She _needs _this to work.

"What?" Ty Lee asks, sounding so genuinely interested. Her fearlessness intoxicates Azula more than anything she has ever encountered. They way they lock eyes. Even though Azula's powers have been revoked, no one meets her gaze. When Mai said that her love for Zuko conquered fear, Azula was livid. But Ty Lee's love for Azula conquers fear, and that is beautiful.

"My father told me that he banished Zuko so I could have the throne," Azula says, never imagining she would confide this in someone. "Put him on an impossible task to clear the way."

"I thought Zuko disgraced him or something. I mean, nobody told me what happened," Ty Lee says, propping herself up on her elbow. Azula touches one fingernail to Ty Lee's arm. Ty Lee is not sure if it feels painful or good.

"Zuko went to a war meeting. It was our uncle's fault, which is probably why he accompanied Zuko on his wild goose chase. He let him in. And Zuko spoke out against a plan. It disrespected my father. And so they told him he would have to have an Agni Kai. And, well, he thought he would be going up against the general who made the plan." Azula strokes Ty Lee's quavering wrist. "But he was face to face with my father. And Zuko refused to fight. He cowered and _begged_. And my father scarred him. Burned his face. Banished him over it."

"Because he spoke out at a war meeting?" Ty Lee asks, looking aghast. Azula shakes her head slowly, her hair brushing against the skin of her fiancée.

"Because he refused to fight back," Azula purrs, lying down on her back again. She stares at the dark abyss that is the ceiling. "And that was the end of Zuko. For three years, at least."

"What does that have to do with you?" Ty Lee asks.

"My thoughts exactly." They lie there in silence for a moment. "I'm still trying to figure out my father."

"What's to figure out?" Ty Lee asks and Azula knows that she is trying to be helpful, but it just makes it worse. Azula closes her eyes. "He wasn't a bad person. He wasn't."

"Well, I guess that's two out of several million people," Azula says, sighing. She toys with the blankets.

"I didn't ever really talk to him or anything. But he was always really nice to you," Ty Lee says, taking Azula by surprise for the billionth time and pulling their bodies together.

"So you just... believe that I believe?"

"That's enough for me," Ty Lee says and Azula is puzzled. She reads strangers with ease, exploiting their weaknesses, but the person closest to her... she finds herself baffled by at times. Perhaps, since, beneath the shallowness, there is an ocean. "Believing in others can be wonderful."

"But what if they mislead you?" Azula says, a little frustrated.

"That's a chance you have to take. Sometimes taking a chance on people can really pay off," Ty Lee replies, kissing Azula on the lips. Azula does not have anything else to say.

They fall into each other. Azula takes Ty Lee by the arm, dragging her towards her. Their legs interlock. Azula presses her mouth against Ty Lee's, welcome, burning, tongues exploring familiar territory. The acrobat trembles as Azula feels like a supernova.

One finger of Azula's slips along Ty Lee's side, the nail sharp, but not painful. She caresses her lip, fingertip moving down even further. Ty Lee moves quickly, at the speed of an attack, and slides open Azula's kimono robe. It falls around her, exposing her. But she does not complain, leaning further into her fiancée.

They spend the night with stabs of lust and pleasure that make no sense to Azula. She does not know why she craves it so much, the tongue like wine but the lips nettles. It goes on forever but somehow it seems to be trapped between time. Relentlessly, the power dynamic constantly changing, pressed against each other, pulling apart. Something with her tongue she cannot describe.

Until it ends.

And Azula just wants to start over again.

It's better than victory.

Well, she supposes that most people like sex.

She never thought she would.

[X]

"What if I'm a terrible father?" Zuko approaches Mai with this ever-present thought for the first time. "I don't know anything about children."

Mai looks at him. She just stares unblinkingly. They have been getting along far better of late, now that Mai has accepted being pregnant and accepted the fact that Azula is back into the picture. But Zuko has been pushing her away now. It's a perpetual cycle like the moon and ocean.

"You're going to be a good father," Mai says, standing up. "Don't make me fellate your ego again."

"But how do you know?" Zuko asks, sinking onto the loveseat. Mai is repulsed by the melodrama, but she is glad that Zuko is finally voicing this. "My father was terrible to me. His father was terrible to him. And it probably goes back like that for hundreds of years."

"Well, that explains why the Fire Nation attacks people all the time. Daddy issues," Mai says, chuckling slightly. Zuko does not find it funny.

"But really... what if?" Zuko asks and Mai shrugs.

"You're not going to like this, Zuko, but I think you should talk to your dad," Mai says and Zuko does not know what to say. "I mean, it's not like you have anything to fear from him now. Go see him and spit it all out. The only real problem in your family is that you don't talk about your feelings."

"Your family beat your feelings out of you!" Zuko snaps and instantly regrets it. "I'm sorry."

Mai shrugs. "You kind of hit the nail on the head. So, okay, I'm not one to talk. But I think it would really help you if you confronted him."

Zuko gets up and immediately heads for the prison. Mai is right: he has a lot to talk to his father about. He does not know if he will say any of it, but it swims in his head as he opens the door.

[X]

Zuko lights the lanterns and Ozai is surprised that the room is not cerulean. His son sees the startled look in his eyes.

"Expecting someone?" Zuko asks, wary.

"Why would I be?" Ozai says, sitting up. "Who would want to see me? Now, why would _you_ want to see me?"

"We have a lot to talk about." Zuko sits, Ozai notices, in the exact same place that Azula does. But his legs are flat and assured, while Azula's legs went on for miles, snaking. Zuko's face is not as open, his eyes, well, they're too masked by his scar to read.

"I'm not going anywhere," Ozai says, already displeased with his son. It is not that he didn't care about Zuko. He did. He just had high hopes for him, and they were squashed repeatedly. But, somehow, Zuko finagled his way to Fire Lord. If it weren't for Azula's infatuation with the circus freak and how it shattered her mentally, Zuko would have been killed in their Agni Kai, Ozai is certain.

"Let's start this off with some family news. I'm having a baby," Zuko says and Ozai does not look surprised. So he was expecting someone. "And Azula's getting married." Shock in Ozai's face. The previous Fire Lord tries to hide it, but he is too late. "Which means whoever has been keeping you updated is a little behind."

"Who is she marrying?" Ozai asks.

"Ty Lee," Zuko replies, savoring the anger in his father's eyes. "Watching you be angry at Azula instead of me is pretty entertaining. But, I'm not here to talk about her. I'm here to talk about me."

[X]

"Azula," Ursa says, inviting herself into Azula's room. "Hi."

"Hmph."

"I hear you're getting married." Mother sits down on the foot of the bed. Azula is on the windowsill, staring outside. It is a hobby of hers.

"You heard correctly," Azula replies icily, not looking up. She watches the lights change in the city, a never-ending dance of lamps. To be honest, she simply enjoys staring pensively.

"That's good." This is painfully awkward. "I remember when I got engaged. They just told me I was marrying your father and I had no choice. I never saw my family again... but I did start a new family, a family I still love."

"It was forced. It's different. I want to marry her," Azula says, finally turning around. She has never liked her mother. But Ursa made the first move when she coddled Zuko and condemned Azula. All parents play favorites, Azula supposes, but it was particularly prominent in their family.

"I never imagined you getting married," Ursa says, attempting to steer the conversation in a different direction. It does little but amuse Azula.

"You never thought about me much did you?" Azula retorts and Ursa looks uncomfortable. "You thought there was something wrong with me. I don't know why you hated me so much."

"I couldn't hate you," Ursa says, reaching towards Azula. Her daughter slips away before they can touch. "You were like your father. I..."

"You hated him too. Things were better after you were gone. Better yet after Zuko was gone," Azula says, though she is not sure if it is true or not. It must be. It must be.

"I never tried to understand you, and I know that. And I know I favored Zuko."

"_What is wrong with that child_?" Azula says, imitating her mother to a preternatural degree.

"Azula... I..." Ursa is caught. Azula smirks.

"You've come to talk about my wedding, though, not how you treated me as a little kid," Azula says, turning back to gaze out of her window. "I'm assuming you disapprove."

[X]

"Why did you always hate me?" Zuko demands and Ozai laughs. "You think it's funny? You think banishing your son is funny? Scarring him?"

"I think it's funny that you still care. You're Fire Lord now. Why does it matter?" Ozai is entertained by his son's obsession. Zuko needs affirmation, and only Ozai holds it, even after all of these years.

"Because I'm going to be a father. And I want to be a good one."

"You've come to me for advice then?" Ozai smirks and Zuko wants to smack it off of his face. But he restrains himself.

The determination in Zuko's eyes is admirable, Ozai supposes. He never tried at being a father, mostly because Azulon was not much of a father either. Perhaps he underestimates Zuko. Even when his family was not broken, he was always detached from his offspring. Ursa was gone, Zuko he banished, and for three years, Azula faded into the walls of the palace.

"I just... I'm not here because of my own choice. Mai thought I should sort my issues out with you because I'm stressed about our baby," Zuko says, kicking the bars. Ozai listens to the echoing sound.

"I know I was not a good father."

Zuko is surprised. He has never known Ozai to admit to a mistake.

But then Ozai kills the moment with, "But I made you strong. Everything you are, I taught you to be."

[X]

"I'm aware of all of the failings of your marriage," Azula says sharply. "I'm aware that your relationship was crumbling before the treason; I'm aware you and father hadn't fucked since I was conceived. You don't need to inform me. I know what I'm doing. Just because father didn't love you doesn't mean I don't love her."

"Could you really love, Azula?" Ursa asks, lashing out in anger about the _fucking _comment her daughter made, such bitterness in her tone that Azula's fingers twist together. The fucking nerve.

"I love her. That's the only thing I'm one hundred percent certain of anymore. That I love her. Everything else is complicated." Azula's fingers untangle. She takes a deep breath.

[X]

"Let's talk about how you made us strong," Zuko says, wrapping his fingers around the bars.

Ozai grits his teeth.


	16. desire

A/N: **Warning: **This chapter deals heavily with rape.

* * *

chapter sixteen: desire

* * *

_You ain't seen nothing yet  
Gonna teach you right  
It's just you and me  
Child you're a beauty  
"The Dark I Know Well" - Spring Awakening_

* * *

"Azula," Ursa says, feeling frustrated. But she knows she has to do this; at some point, she and Azula must make amends. "I know we don't get along. But you're getting married. It's just the right thing to do to talk to your daughter before her wedding."

Her mother did not talk to her before her wedding, but that is because she was handed off to Ozai and never was allowed to see her parents again. She thinks that Azula deserves better.

"I don't think you quite comprehend the right and wrong of parenting. For example, it's usually considered wrong to abandon your children. I was ten." Azula shrugs haughtily. Ursa looks queasy.

She had no choice. Azula _knows _that Ursa had no choice that night, that night when she did such treasonous things. But it does not matter anymore.

[X]

_Azula is eleven. She tosses and turns in bed, trying to sleep. Today was exhausting at school, two tests, and then her father forced her to do the same bending move a thousand times. The training has grown more incessant since Zuko failed._

_She falls asleep and then wakes up an hour later. School tomorrow is going to be torture. Exhaustion does not suit her well. When she stands up to go get water, she finds her sheets wet with... with blood? Metallic and raw._

_Her heart starts racing. _I'm dying. I'm dying. I've stressed myself out too much and I'm dying, _loops through her brain._

_Azula leaps up, reaching around her body for the wound. There is nothing, no cut, no damage. She races to the bathroom, washing her hands. The water turns pink as she washes._

_"I can't go to school, I'm dying," Azula whines at the nanny. The brusque woman forces the satchel into Azula's hands. She decides to get her father to fire the woman. Or perhaps banish her. Both are lovely options for daddy's little liar._

_"You're not dying, princess," the woman says, grabbing her hand. Azula burns her._

_"I'll tell you when I'm dying!" Azula snaps as the woman caresses her hand._

_Azula runs to school, ignoring formality of guards and palanquins and royalty. She does not cry. But she is terrified. She probably looks disheveled and ridiculous when she arrives, and immediately her friends know that she is not alright. Probably from all the gasping and sweating._

_"Azula, what's wrong?" Ty Lee asks, touching her friend gently._

_"You do not look so good," Mai replies as walk towards class. The prestigious school is filled with staring students._

_"I'm dying," Azula says, dragging her friends to the bathroom. They're going to be late, but no one is going to reprimand her or her two best friends. The teachers are terrified of her._

_"Azula, you're... did no one tell you...?" Mai's cheeks are pink. Ty Lee is smiling oddly._

_"Do you take pleasure in my death?" Azula demands vehemently, leaning against the sink._

_Mai and Ty Lee laugh. Azula is seconds away from scorching them when Mai says, "Your mom never... oh... right. You're not dying, princess. It happens to everyone."_

[X]

"Azula, I had no choice," Ursa says, sounding beyond frustrated now. Azula enjoys her anger, feeding on it.

"The choice was yours and yours completely," Azula lies smoothly, examining her fingernails in the moonlight. They glitter preternaturally in the lunar glow.

"What do you want? More apologies? I think I'm at my thousandth by now with you," Ursa sighs in frustration.

Azula hesitates. Hmph.

"Well," Azula says, enjoying this too much, "I'm sorry for calling you a bitch to your face when I was five."

"I don't remember you saying that," Ursa says, although it is a lie. Azula sticks her tongue out, rolling her eyes, though Ursa does not see.

"Then I suppose you don't remember _hitting me in the face_ for saying it." Azula sighs musically, picking at her fingernails.

But Ursa does remember. She remembers that she loved her daughter and Azula knew nothing but hot hate. She remembers every '_I hate you'_. Every regret. Every slammed door. The fact that she left one family for another.

She recalls being called a bitch by a five year old.

She recalls slapping the five year old for saying it.

But Azula was a handful. Ursa was in the right; the child was spoiled and ungrateful. Azula wanted to be treated like an adult, but she was not an adult. Parenting her was a challenge. Azula... is an enigma to Ursa.

[X]

Zuko is still with Ozai, as Azula is with Ursa.

"Did you ever intend for me to be Fire Lord?" Zuko asks, leaning against the bars.

"I would have liked to hold onto the title for a while," Ozai growls in response. Zuko frowns.

"Give me straight answers," Zuko demands, trying to keep power in his voice. But is tone is feeble. His father... still scares him.

He knows his father did not want him based solely on the fact that he did not inherit the incredible bending skills that are in the Fire Lord's lineage. Zuko was a late bloomer and still, his bending was unimpressive. And his uncle repeatedly refused to teach him any advanced forms. While Azula was bending lightning, Zuko was still walking through basic steps with no room for advancement under the thumb of Iroh.

"All I can say is that I made you strong. And you're a fool if you don't see that."

"I was a kid. A little kid and you sent me on an endless journey. Did you expect me to capture the Avatar?" Zuko asks, though he knows the answer.

"I thought the Avatar was dead," Ozai admits openly. "I gave you a chance, though."

"An impossible chance. Three years before Aang even came back. I was... young and foolish. It made me strong to have me be hardened by the world?" Zuko asks, clutching the bars. His knuckles turn white. "But you slipped up when you let Uncle accompany me. He treated me like a son. How a son should be treated."

"And that's why you have no loyalty to your father or your country. You have loyalty to the wisdom of a failed and sad little man," Ozai says and Zuko's hands burn. The envy in his father's eyes is evident, but the former Fire Lord simply smirks. He looks _amused _by his son's anger.

"Uncle is not a failure. You. _You're _a failure. You stood on the shoulders of Sozin and Azulon and did nothing but fail. You were the fall of an empire that none of those three men were fit to lead," Zuko says sharply, digging his fingers even more into the metal. He feels no pain; he only can fathom rage.

"And what makes you so much better?" Ozai asks and Zuko releases his grip. He hesitates.

"That's what I'm still trying to figure out. I don't know if I'm good or if I'm bad or what I am. I just try... I just try..." Zuko trails off and Ozai laughs.

"Weak. Just like my brother."

[X]

"Azula, I know that I never got along with you. We never tried to get along," Ursa continues. Azula purses her lips. "But I want to give you something."

Azula turns and looks at what is being handed to her. "A necklace?"

It looks vaguely like the choker the girl whose eyes are too big for her face wears. But it has rubies that drip from it, and slightly dented gold. It looks ancient. When Azula holds it up to her neck, glancing in her mirror, it vaguely reminds her of a slit throat.

"Ilah, your grandmother, gave me this before my wedding," Ursa says, gesturing at it. Azula's stomach twists.

"How cute," Azula purrs, trying to sound chilly. But in all honesty, it is the only nice thing Ursa has ever done for her. Perhaps she wants to make amends. Or perhaps she just lets her guilt control her.

Azula ties it onto herself, though Ursa reaches to help her. "It's pretty. But it looks like my throat has been cut."

"I never noticed that." _What is wrong with her? Stop thinking that. She's... she's your daughter. Not a monster. _"I regret how I treated you."

"Do you really?" Azula does not buy it.

"It was wrong. But... you were your father's child."

"I was everything he wanted and you weren't."

Silence.

"I know what he did to you Azula," comes the oh so _wise _voice of Ursa. Azula clenches her fist around the choker. "I'm sorry I wasn't there to protect you."

"I don't know what you're talking about," Azula purrs, swallowing her rage.

[X]

_Long before her descent, Azula feels so alone. So alone. She can take care of herself; she knows that. But she is thirteen and everyone is gone. Mai is moving next season. Ty Lee will leave once Mai does... or maybe Azula will leave her. And gradually, everything is stripped away from Azula as Zuko is no longer next in line for the throne. She used to think royal duties were endless when she was a bauble. Now it consumes her life like a fire from a bender who lost control. Lonely. Lonely. She shouldn't be lonely; she has everything she ever dreamed of. It is worth the losses._

_And she practices. She slices trees in half. Once she sliced the roof in half and when others complained her father intimidated them. Dancing on glass, fast feet. Literally dancing on glass once when her father taught her to keep moving while she fought. Bare feet. Broken glass. And Azula learns how to float as she firebends._

_She kills one of her instructors. The flames engulfed everywhere around her. They started out blue, but soon all she could see was red. And Azula surpasses them all._

_"Let me teach you something," her father says, the rare lesson from a true master. And Azula allows him. "I'm going to show you how to bend lightning."_

_Thirteen. She is thirteen and that kind of bending is usually reserved for someone in their twenties. But she is eager to learn. Clever. Memorization .Repeat. Repeat. No restraint._

[X]

"I just thought you would like the necklace." Ursa stands up and walks away.

Azula does not look up. It is a beautiful necklace, with rubies like drops of blood and a band that is weathered by time.

A peace offering and a wedding gift. Azula reluctantly accepts, though she cannot help but feel as if it is a trick.

_I'm paranoid as fuck, aren't I?_

[X]

_Azula cannot summon lightning the first hundred times. Or maybe it was two hundred. The proper form, but nothing happens._

_"You need to find your drive. Lightning is the cold blooded fire. Precise. Deadly. You need balance." Ozai says, watching her. She is in the throne room. He sits far above her, eyes masked by flames. She cannot tell if he approves or not. "Balance. Passion."_

_And Azula hesitates. Nothing... she can summon nothing._

_"You can train all you want. Practice hours a day. And you will be good. But not the best," Ozai says, his tone slightly mocking. Azula bristles._

_"I am the best. I will be. I will be perfect."_

_But she fails again. She feels like Zuko. She worries that her father will see her as Zuko and it makes her attempts to conjure lightning frantic and incompetent. Things start exploding in blasts of flame that propel her small body backwards._

_"Try this," her father says. "Try making everything go away. Clear your mind. Time doesn't exist. This room doesn't exist. There is only you. There is only you and your breathing."_

_Azula tries. The world slows down._

_Crack. Behind her neck, around her abdomen and one of the posts in the throne room snaps in half like a tree struck by the heavens._

_And she masters lightning. She feels like a deity, and not a little girl. Her father seems to agree._

[X]

Azula is haunted by the conversation with her mother. She shoves the necklace in a drawer and goes for a walk. The city looks different when she is not being carried, though the shuffling of metal boots accompanies her. Her damned guard.

But she wanders through the Capitol, half distracted. Ty Lee will probably wonder where she is and chew her out. She feels like she is looking for something, but she does not know what. Finally, she stops. Sits down on a bench that Zuko beautified the Fire Nation with. The industry of war was more prolific.

Whispers. People whispering about her. She wishes she weren't... her for the first time in a long time.

She used to stare out of the window pensively as a youth. It was not like she had anything else to do but watch enviously, coveting the outside world. And she would wish she was Zuko. Hmph. It sounds stupid now. But she would sit there and kind of wonder ─ because Zuko had freedom and could do whatever he wanted and with Uncle bedtime was never and there was constant _fun_. And then the doorknob would twist and her father would fuck her and she would wish she was Zuko for a while longer.

But she knew she was better off than him. The throne was infinitely more important than _fun_. It was simply one of her petty jealousies.

Something hits her leg. A piece of paper with writing on it. She plucks it up and reads it: _Lose the guard._

Pause. She glances around for who sent it and sees a young man, eyeing her. He has a girl beside him and he is pretending to talk to her, but in his sleeve is the tip of a pen.

"Give me a minute alone," she says to the leader of the guards. As if she knows his name.

"We're under orders not to leave you, princess."

She looks around. All men.

"It's lady stuff," she purrs and he hesitates. Shuffling of feet.

"We'll wait fifteen minutes before going after you." _These people are so easy to play._

And Azula walks, nodding at the man and woman. They wait a few footsteps before following her. She ducks into a busy bar and they wait ten heartbeats, then turn inside as well. Azula glances out of the window with one golden eye; the guards are talking. Pathetic. If she was Fire Lord she would have them executed.

The man and woman bow to her.

"So you know who I am," she purrs, examining them closely. They nod almost simultaneously.

"It's an honor to meet you, princess."

"We never thought we ever would."

"Clearly," is all Azula replies, though she is relatively flattered.

"You're an icon."

"A symbol."

"Slow down," Azula interrupts and their eyes bulge. The woman's lips tremble slightly. "An icon of what?"

"The New Ozai Society." Hm. Azula somewhat likes where this is going. But then again... her reparations have been suiting her. "We believe in the true heart and soul of the Fire Nation. We were strong for a hundred years. A _hundred _years."

"And Zuko is more worried about providing for his water tribe girlfriend," Azula says, she slinks into one of the empty booths, sitting on it like it is a throne. The man and woman make themselves very small. "I understand your sentiment. I'm in no position to do anything about it, though, I assure you."

"It's not about what you can do. It's about what you symbolize," the man says. The woman nods vigorously. "Your father was a fool. A downfall. But _you_ conquered Ba Sing Se. And you were destined to lead the nation."

Azula shrugs. Then swallows. This could be very good or very bad.

"Look, if you have a capable assassin and the ability to convince the several million people who hate me to put me up as leader, go right ahead." Azula stands up and the woman looks on the verge of tears. "But I'm a little occupied."

"If you ever need us... there are hundreds. More than hundreds. Anything you ask..."

"I shall receive," Azula finishes as her guard starts to fidget. "I appreciate you taking the time to inform me. Dear ZuZu has left me out of the loop."

And she saunters out, her head spinning and her gait that of a tyrant.

Princess Azula is conflicted. Incredibly conflicted.

She chews on her lower lip.

[X]

_After the Invasion, training with father is even more brutal._

_"If you're going to kill Zuko, you're going to have to do better than that, little princess," father says, watching Azula spar with five opponents._

_One of them had managed to get a flame out, and she dissipated it in thin air. It was a child's block, not one of someone who is several steps ahead. Azula's pallid cheeks redden ─ she has to do better than that. Has to._

_Zuko left exactly one day ago, during the Invasion. No news of him is heard yet, but when it is, Ozai has instructed Azula to kill him. Her brother. She supposes she does not care. Exactly last night she had real sex for the first time. With Ty Lee._

_And exactly right now, Azula is trying to focus on a basic spar with advanced forms, and is flailing. She is beating all five men with ease, but her steps are sloppy and some of her blocks are a little too late. Father looks incredibly disappointed in her and it kills her._

_"I will kill Zuko," Azula says, lunging with a few quick strikes. One of her opponents falls to the ground, gasping for breath. He could barely block the barrage of blue. "I outmatch him by tenfold."_

_"Yes, but you have to be prepared. He said he was going to join the Avatar," Ozai says, ignoring his daughter's sweat and bleeding feet._

_"Then I'll kill the Avatar too." A swing of her leg and the fire stretches across the entire courtyard. One of her opponents falls; the other blocks the incoming flames with the outside of his arms._

_Ozai laughs, almost mockingly._

_And Azula continues to train, though her thoughts are on someone entirely different than her future prey. They are on romance and not murder, and that terrifies her._

[X]

"Mother," Azula says, walking into her mother's room. She is uninvited, and Ursa's expression reveals that she does not desire the visit. "Thank you for the necklace."

She leaves as quickly as she came.

And then she moves towards Zuko's chambers. Mai is in there alone. She looks up at Azula and then back down at her book.

"Where's my brother?" Azula demands. Mai pauses, weighing her options.

"He went to see your father," she says, closing her book. "Can I help you?"

"Is there a _resistance_? The New Ozai Society," Azula asks, knowing Mai will have some concept of it.

"The New Ozai Society is mediocre at best. Well, there are a lot of people who think that you would be a better Fire Lord than Zuko. Don't let that go to your head. A lot of people liked the victor's economy and the sensation that they were better than everybody else. I thought like that once. And thousands still do. But only a couple of them take up doing small bombings and trying to assassinate people. They succeeded, actually, at killing an envoy from the Earth Kingdom. Drew a phoenix in the blood." She recites it in such a flat, gravelly tone that she detracts from the violence of the reality. "They haven't shown their teeth yet, though. Zuko thinks they're the worst he's going to face. Five years and only a couple of kills and a few threats. They're biding their time, in my opinion."

Silence. "Why would you tell me all of that?" Azula inquires, suspicious. It could all be lies.

"You asked." Silence again. Perhaps Mai is just a good person. She never was before; she tortured and tormented and taunted and bullied and backstabbed. But maybe she is like Zuko now. "I let you know because it's better you hear the true story from me than one that's meant to get you to join the radicals or something."

"Fair enough." Azula looks into Mai's cold eyes and sees that she is telling the truth. "I don't intend to join them." Half-truth.

"It would be pretty stupid." Mai shrugs.

And Azula again leaves as quickly as she came, scurrying through the looming shadows of the palace.

[X]

_Eight years ago, Zuko was banished._

_This is possibly the best day of her life. Not necessarily because she wants to see Zuko in pain ─ although that is true ─ but because now she will be crown princess, a lifetime dream of hers. Zuko has been whisked away from the eyes of everyone except uncle and the people monitoring his wound. Azula kind of wants to look at it._

_She remembers when she and Zuko found a dead squirrel-toad. It was bloated and rancid, with its flesh exposed. The air around it smelled metallic and sweet. Zuko poked it with a stick and it opened up, flesh and guts exposed, layers of blood and rotting flesh exposed. And then Azula poked it too._

_Azula pushes open the door to the room in which Uncle is packing Zuko's things as he lies on his bed._

_"Azula," he says, her name never changing on his tongue. Always so bitter and resentful of the past few years._

_The air smells metallic and sweet, like the dead squirrel-toad. Zuko has blood soaked bandages on the burn. She was watching, her eyes glued to the scene. It was oddly transfixing._

_"You were already pretty ugly, ZuZu. I doubt anyone will notice the difference," are her mocking words of comfort._

_"Can you make her leave, uncle?" Zuko leans over feebly._

_"Good luck," Azula says, not sure if she means it or not. "I mean, the Avatar hasn't been seen in nearly a century. But, I guess nothing's impossible." Shrug. Zuko grits his teeth._

_"You'll see," is all Zuko says before pulling his blankets over himself._

_"Maybe I will. Goodbye, anyway, if that means anything."_

_And Azula exits the room, a particular spring in her step._

_Possibly the best day of her life. Possibly._

[X]

_Touch me. Just like that._

Azula listens to her brother come home. She lies in bed with Ty Lee resting on her shoulder. Her thoughts have been of Zuko and his banishment of late.

_Touch me. Just like that._

Zuko is crying. She almost laughs. But he was visiting Ozai; Azula is not stupid.

_Touch me. Just like that._

He learned respect through suffering, whether he will admit it or not. Azula listens to him punch a hole through the wall. The scars transcend the mark on his face. Azula feels smug.

_Touch me. Just like that, little princess._

[X]

The conversation with her mother haunts her throughout the night. Ty Lee is fast asleep and Azula tries not to kick her fiancée while tossing and turning. She thinks about Zuko's tears.

The memories unfold, the dam she built broken by the events of the past day. From the conversation with her mother. From the resistance that revealed itself. From Zuko's shameful tears.

Azula dreams of memories often.

Rarely, are they good ones.

[X]

_Seven years ago, Azula moves beyond textbooks and does the impossible. That is the definition of prodigy, of course._

_"I was perfect," Azula breathes, finishing her duel. The opponent is over ten years older than her, and they lie, beneath her foot. She is thirteen. Zuko has been gone for two years. Mother has been gone for three._

_"Almost." Father. Azula feels her gut twist for being so presumptuous. "You left yourself open for half a second when you lunged for his neck. Don't go at your enemy. Kick first. Double. One from your fingers, one from your ankle."_

_Azula nods. She has no other words._

_And hours mean nothing. She goes to her room after dinner, where she eats alone, staring blankly at an empty seat in front of her. She lies down and cannot sleep. She gets up and practices. One flame from the ankle, one from the fingertips. Prying open the window, she runs at it, leaping onto the sill and stumbling slightly. It's a long way to fall. But she catches herself, and with one finger, burning blazing azure, she sends a blast of flame that burns down the sky._

_When she steps back, she bumps into someone behind her._

_"That was risky." Father. He has his hands on her back, half-catching her, half holding her in place. He moves away as soon as she is sturdy on her feet._

_"I couldn't resist." Azula sits down on the windowsill. The air behind her is still hot from her flames. "I'm not perfect. I just want to be perfect."_

_He touches her shoulder. Does he... does he feel sympathy? Azula feels hopeful for a moment._

_"You've always been talented. You bend with grace. You conquered lightning as a little girl. Perfection... is attainable." He runs his thumb along her lower lip. "You've grown up so much, Azula, in such a short time. You're powerful, and well-educated... beautiful. You're perfect."_

_Never has he expressed belief in her. He always flaunted her to others, occasionally complimented her training, but there was always something wrong. Always a hair out of place._

_But he approves. And just like with Zuko, father's approval is all Azula craves in this world._

[X]

Azula wakes up, gasping. Ty Lee jumps, eyes fluttering open.

Azula kisses Ty Lee fiercely, forcing herself on her. Ty Lee resists and Azula notices but does nothing. She digs her fingernails into the acrobat's back. Legs wrapped.

"I'm barely awake. Let's not," Ty Lee murmurs, eyes drooping. Azula presses her lips against the acrobat's, ignoring the words. Fingers slipping down the light red nightgown that caresses the hips and cleavage of Azula's fiancée.

Visions of someone else and his hands on her. And she slides her tongue into Ty Lee's mouth not thinking about the only other tongue that has been in her mouth but only thinking about it when she tries not to.

"Azula, stop." Fiercer. Azula does not comply, fingernails running up the inner thigh of Ty Lee.

Suddenly, a thumb goes into her shoulder and a knee into her hip. Azula falls back, hitting her head against the pillow. Her thoughts stop spiraling as she finds her chi blocked.

"What was that?" Azula demands, her voice struggling.

"I'm really really sorry, princess!" Ty Lee exclaims, looking genuinely apologetic. She takes Azula's neck and props her on the pillow, pulling the blankets gently over her. "It just... happened. You were on me and I... I'm sorry."

"It's alright," Azula says, though she is angry. _But it was my fault. I could've hurt her. She said no._

Silence.

[X]

_At the age of thirteen, Azula has the rare chance to speak with her father._

_"Do you ever get lonely?" Azula is out of line. She is finally alone with him. He is usually surrounded by advisors, and Azula is left to her own devices. At thirteen, she is almost alone. Mai's family is moving around from occupied city to occupied city. Ty Lee was recruited by the circus and decided it was her calling._

_"Of course," Ozai says and she is surprised at his honesty. She expected scolding for her insolence. "It doesn't feel complete without your mother and Zuko."_

_"I never loved her." Again. Out of line. He doesn't seem to care. They are in the moment together, feeling like family instead of the distant and detached Fire Lord and his perfect weapon of mass destruction._

_"Neither did I." Again. But Ozai is lying; he has always loved Ursa. Azula moves closer to her father; maybe he loves her. Never has Ozai expressed love, compassion or affection and Azula knows she should not hope for it, because they are weak qualities. But it would be nice to be loved by her father. "I hated your mother."_

_Azula does not respond. She could say a lot of things about her mother, but she finds it unwise._

_"Do you love me more?" Azula whispers, wondering how far she can push her luck, and Ozai nods. The first acknowledgment of affection. It took years, years of forced training, and his only compliments were when he bragged about her to others. But now, he expresses compassion towards her._

_That night, Azula is content, instead of a basket-case of overtrained, overtutored and overtired. She is in bed, running her toes along the silky ruby blankets. It's summer and there is a full moon over the lush green land. And her father acknowledged that he cared for her as more than a powerful bender. She closes her eyes and doesn't bother to fall asleep._

_The door opens. She is startled by it, lighting up two fingers. Room illuminated in eerie blue, she recognizes her father. He has never come to her nor been near her for too long. There were always matters of war that were more important than matters of family. And Azula never minded; she was always a weapon, not a daughter._

_"Did I wake you?" he asks her, shutting the door behind him. Azula shakes her head, a lie. "Good."_

_It is dark. Too dark. She expected him to light the lantern upon his entrance. He touches the side of her face and she leans into it. Ozai is not forgiving, not... kind. Not the type of father Azula sees that the other girls have and she hates them for._

_"Are you checking on me?" Don't sound so excited, stupid._

_"We were talking earlier and I was thinking about it. It kept me awake." She is propped up slightly by the displaced weight on the bed from him sitting beside her._

_There is a chill in her spine in the hot night. Something feels off: mostly, the kindness of her father. Like with Azula, his favor comes with a price. And Azula has paid nothing. Well, nothing but loyalty. Nothing but endless sacrifice._

_"I'm so happy that it's just us," Azula blurts out, trying to break the silence. Thirteen and stupid. Thirteen and stupid._

_He kisses her on the lips and her gold eyes widen. Her father has never expressed affection. It lasts... too long. But Azula would not have anything to compare a kiss goodnight to, would she?_

_His hands slide into her shirt and she is doubly startled. It feels wrong but she does not know what that would be and she falls back, breathing very slowly. Breathing like a bender, the way that she was forced to and forced to until she literally exploded one day in a burst of ruby flames. And Zuko, elder than her, was still practicing his breathing, while she was starting to burn down the sky._

_He does not take off her shirt, though he digs into every part of her with his hands, exploring her body. His hands are much bigger than hers, she notices as she reaches towards him, and then pulls away. His hands slip to her hips and she again does not protest._

Should I? Should I? Is it a test? I don't know_¸ her thoughts spin out of control._

_She surrenders with dignity. A princess surrenders with dignity._

"Try making everything go away. Clear your mind. Time doesn't exist. This room doesn't exist. There is only you. There is only you and your breathing." _A memory that serves her well for once._

_His teeth sink into her ear and she withholds the whimper that wants to escape her lips._

_"I'm sorry," he murmurs, undoing his pants, and she is unsure, so unsure. "I can't deny this need anymore. I'm sorry..."_

_She does not quite comprehend anything but the pain, the invasion of something warm and hard, burning, burning like fire eating away her skin. The rending of her virginity burns her to ashes, and Ozai does not seem to care._

_Her mind spins and stops and spins again. He thrusts inside of her, increasing in force every second, and she cannot explain it. Just pain. It does not seem to end, forceful. Tears drip from her eyes as she fails to keep fighting them. His low moan she never forgets the sound of and never can forget the sound of, as she feels a flood within her._

_And when he is gone she can still feel him there._

_And she is confused._

_And she hurts in more ways than the physical._

[X]

"Ty Lee," Azula says softly. The sun is rising, light pink and orange above Caldera, and she started being able to move again about thirty minutes ago. She shakes her fiancée slightly. "I lied."

[X]

_Seven years ago it becomes some kind of tradition. A tradition may not be a good word for it, but it is part of her life. There is no one to stop it, and Azula does not care to. If this will get her the throne, she will take it... she will bear it. His favor is her gateway to Fire Lord Azula, and... while she knows it's wrong, oh agni she knows it's wrong, she does not tell anyone._

_Who would listen? Who would care? Who would challenge Ozai?_

_She lies down at night and just waits. She does not fall asleep. He will be at her door._

_He will come inside her room and come inside of her and then he will be gone and he will pretend he loves her and maybe kiss her. Maybe say he is proud of her. Maybe say he is ashamed of himself._

_The one thing has infinitely interchangeable scenarios, but they all add up to a father raping his daughter. It's not rape. Azula would not call it that. It doesn't hurt. She... if she said no he would listen. Should she say no?_

_It confuses her and she makes up for the confusion by studying history books and acing any test and training, training, training. She can hit a gold piece nailed to the wall with lightning. Her aim has become that good that fast. The surge of electricity through her body compensates from the lingering sensation of him inside of her every night. There is harmony, logic and clarity to lightning. The opposite of what her father subjects her to in midnight hours behind closed doors._

_And she still serves her father and loves him... he's not bad. Fire Lord Ozai is not a bad man in the slightest. She knows that. He loves her. He does it because he loves her._

_That's it. That's why. She knows it._

[X]

"What did you lie about?" Ty Lee asks, sitting up slowly. Her eyes are squinting in the darkness, but if Azula does not say it now she will never say it.

"You weren't my first. The night after the invasion wasn't my first time," Azula murmurs. The words are hard to say. She has to force them out of her mouth, and her silver tongue feels as if it were actually made of metal. Her heart palpitates. She knew it was wrong... but she never told anyone until right now.

"Really? I... who was it?" Ty Lee asks, sounding more curious than angry. "It wasn't mine either."

Azula is beyond tempted to lie. Say it was some noble boy. Get herself out of the sticky situation. And she almost does.

"Well, who was yours?" Azula asks, diverting from what she was trying to say. _Agni, I'm a moron._

"Just this guy. I met him at a party. But I mean, what I had with you was special. It felt real," Ty Lee says genuinely. She never lies. How could the Queen of Liars be with the Embodiment of Integrity?

"Me too." _Stupid. Stupid. Stupid._

"You too with just some guy?"

"Yeah. But what we had was real. I'm pretty sure I've always been a lesbian, actually."

"I like guys and girls! I like them all. But I _love _you."

"I love you too."

Silence.

_Why couldn't I tell her?_ Azula thinks in frustration, gritting her teeth.

[X]

Azula walks to the prison and forces her way through the door with vivacity. One of her guards unsheathes a weapon and she silences him with a single glare. Locking her watchers outside, she walks inside. She does not sit down (legs in front of him). She does not look pretty (intentionally). She is angry (and sad).

"You seem upset, little princess." Scathing. Azula walks to the bars and with a single kick lights the cell up with blue. The fire disintegrates around Ozai, who does not flinch. "What have I done to upset you?"

"I'm upset. I'm upset that I can't have sex with my fiancée without feeling you," Azula says, her tone bright and brilliant and wicked. The tyrant within her roars. "I'm upset that I keep pretending that nothing happened! I'm upset that you took credit for my ideas! I'm upset that you didn't take me with you at the comet! I'm upset that you ignored me! I'm upset that you _raped your daughter_!"

Flames burst from her in every direction. She breathes in and out smoke as she screams her words.

Blue. Blue. Broken, broken blue. Little girl blue. Naked blue angel. Blue.

Azula crumbles, on her knees. "I'm upset," she says, far more quietly, the smoke dying. The room still is hot as hell, "that I'm the most powerful firebender who ever lived, and I'm... I'm afraid of my father."

"I didn't _rape _you, Azula. That's ludicrous," Ozai growls, standing up. "You wanted it and liked it and I didn't _rape _you."

"Yes... yes you did." Her voice, once the roar of a dragon, is now very small.

Ozai knows that he did.

[X]

_"We're gonna knock down Ba Sing Se!" Ty Lee cheers as Azula walks out of the throne room and informs her posse of the plan._

_"Just the wall," Mai corrects wryly. "Not the actual city."_

_"But for now, we're home," Azula says, offering a smile. She hopes they are not disappointed. They spent weeks on Azula's vanity project of the Avatar before her father called them back to the Fire Nation to lead the project with the drill._

_"Slumber party!" Ty Lee shouts and no one answers. "Slumber party?" she asks quietly._

_"You should go home to your family. I'm sure they'll enjoy regaling tales of the circus," Azula says and Ty Lee looks like she has just been slapped. Azula wraps her arms around herself._

_"I'll come with you, Ty Lee," Mai says, touching her arm. "We can have a slumber party. My parents are still pissed about Oma─New Ozai City."_

_Mai guesses what is going on with father. Azula thinks Mai guesses. And it perturbs her. Or maybe she just thinks that Azula is a soulless bitch, which, is, well, true, and inarguably better than anyone knowing what goes on behind closed doors._

_And they are gone. And Azula is alone. But not alone._

_"And you just let him slip out of your grasp?"_

_"I burnt Uncle," Azula protests, though she immediately regrets it. Ozai has a way of looking at someone that fills them with utter terror. Azula mastered replicating it long ago. "They're fugitives and..."_

_"You let your desire for the Avatar cloud your judgment," Ozai growls and Azula shrugs. She does not want to respond. "Although... Zuko pursues the Avatar. One doesn't exist without the other. If you were capable, you could get them both."_

_"I will. We have a new plan," Azula purrs, her heart returning to its normal pace._

_"You've tracked their movements admirably," Ozai says, though the praise feels empty. Perhaps she just imagines it as empty. Maybe he means it._

_His hand touches the inside of her thigh. His lips press against hers. His will overpowers hers._

_And she returns home from her trip only to find her father forcing her into bed again. She did not miss the sensation of him inside of her body._

_She did not miss it one bit._

[X]

Azula has to be dragged out of the prison by the guards. She threatens them but does not light a single flame or bolt. They have weapons pressed against her. She burnt him. She burnt Ozai brutally and he bleeds on the floor as some healer tends to him and she does not care.

They drag her to the palace in handcuffs, though she could easily breathe a blast of fire that killed them all, melting their masks into their skin. But she does not. She laughs. Hysterically. And she is left in front of Mai, as Zuko is out on business.

"My lady, she attacked the former Fire Lord. Burnt him severely."

"Like Zuko. Right on the face," Azula chokes and Mai looks concerned. She walks forward and the guards bow. Mai punches one of them in the gut and unhooks Azula's handcuffs.

"You guys are assholes. Just let me take care of it." Mai grabs Azula and sets her down atop of the throne. Mai stands, locking eyes with the princess, Azula's trembling knees near Mai's chest. "Firstly, why were you even with him?"

Azula shrugs. She is off. Out of it. Mai touches her hand and Azula claws her with her nails. _I deserved that_.

"Look, Ozai obviously deserved having his face burnt. But... Azula... you're not okay. What's wrong? Tell me. Don't slip on me like this, you bitch," Mai asks, sounding completely unconcerned, but Azula secretly knows that she cares and is just incapable of showing emotion. Azula wriggles free of her, leaping to her feet. She stumbles slightly. "What's wrong? Could you just be honest for once?"

Azula takes a deep breath. "No. For once... I tried to be honest to Ty Lee and I lied. I couldn't help but lie. I'm a liar. I'm a liar! Lynch me, I'm a liar!"

Mai hesitates. She has no idea what to do in this situation. Azula is always so cool and collected, and now she is shaking and panicking. It is unnerving and frightening.

"I know what your father did to you," Mai says, instantly knowing she will regret it.

"What? What did my father do to me?" _She's bluffing._

There is an impenetrable silence. Finally, Mai says, "Your father raped you. I knew it all along."

Azula looks like she is about to faint. Mai moves to catch her, but Azula steadies herself. Her hair is out of place. Her golden eyes are stained red from tears. She is hurting and Mai can barely place aside her loathing. But she does not want to see Azula this way. Broken. Even as they dragged her to prison she did not look this _broken_. It makes Mai nauseous.

"Who told you? I would have never..."

"My parents suggested it. It didn't take much to figure it out."

"Ty Lee..."

"Is not the brightest candle in the bunch. She has no idea," Mai says earnestly, having never thought she would share this information. "I didn't tell anybody. I mean, I wasn't sure. And what were we going to do about it anyway? He was the Fire Lord."

Azula has nothing to say. She sways slightly on her feet. Her fingertips are a light azure.

Mai continues with, "You should tell her. Tell somebody."

"No." Her tone is unbalanced. Mai swallows. "I can't... I can't have sex with her anymore without feeling him. It's driving me crazy. But I... I'm not going to admit that. It's not true, anyway." The last sentence is hastily tacked on, pathetic compared to Azula's repertoire of deception.

"You should tell her. You don't have to. But you should." And Mai walks back to her throne.

Azula turns on her heel and walks away. Mai hates herself for being so worried. But she is.

[X]

Azula and her fiancee lie in bed. Ty Lee moves towards Azula, tugging at her clothes and Azula presses one finger to her fiancée's lips.

"What?" Ty Lee asks, big eyes confused. Azula sits up further.

"I lied when I said I lied. I double lied." _If this ends terribly, it's on Mai's shoulders_.

"About the whole first time? I lied too to make you feel better. I hadn't slept with anybody until that night either. I always kind of hoped that you would come around," Ty Lee says, shrugging. She treats it so casually. Sex is not something to be tossed about lightly like that, in Azula's mind.

"My first time... was not you... but..." And now Azula will back out again. Like she always does. She is a liar and always will be. "My first time was with my father."

And Ty Lee grabs Azula and refuses to let go.

"You're safe with me," Ty Lee says softly, squeezing her true love.

"People feel safest right before they die," Azula says, her voice almost lost in the tight embrace of the acrobat. Ty Lee hugs her more tightly.

"I won't ever let anything happen to you. Thank you for telling me."

Silence. They are trapped in an embrace for some time. Then, Azula cracks, cracks and crumbles. She sobs hysterically. Ty Lee has never heard her cry before. Not once. And she holds her, Azula's tears dripping onto Ty Lee's nightgown.

"I love you, princess," Ty Lee whispers.

"I love you too." Her voice is constricted with emotion. "I'm sorry for lying."

And Ty Lee only holds her more tightly. "You're gonna be okay."

Azula is oddly reassured. She hates feeling so _weak_, but it does not hurt as bad as she thought it would.

_"Sometimes you just have to be vulnerable and people will trust you."_


	17. family

chapter seventeen: family

* * *

_"Then I discovered that being related was no guarantee of love!"  
\- The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, Stieg Larsson -_

* * *

Azula wakes up with her tears dried. She has fallen asleep with Ty Lee, but not in a sexual way. This has all started crazy, but it is... sweet now. Azula feels engulfed in the romance, wondering why she did not cave into her feelings before.

_If you had just told her how you felt, she would have let Mai die at the Broiling Rock. If you had told her how you felt, you would be Fire Lord right now._

"Are you feeling better?" Ty Lee murmurs, brushing Azula's bangs out of her face. They meet eyes and the gaze is different every time. Azula finds love more exhilarating than violence, sex more empowering than firebending. Orgasm better than the thrill of the kill. Caresses more soothing than lies.

"Sort of," Azula says, rubbing her eyes. They feel weird and raw after crying; Azula is not one to break down into tears, but she supposes it was reasonable after her whirlwind of relapse.

"You don't have to talk about it if you don't want to," Ty Lee says, pulling Azula towards her again. The princess does not resist.

"I just... I just wish I could forget," Azula says, attempting to be open. It feels wrong to tell the truth; it makes her stomach twist into knots.

"I, well, I have no idea what that would be like. Whatever you went through─"

"You're going to break up with me, aren't you?" Azula asks, her heart leaping into her throat. She never thought her happiness could be so dependent on another.

Ty Lee laughs. It is like the chiming of bells, and it pisses Azula off.

"I'm not going to leave you because your father raped you. That... I'm not _that _bad of a person," Ty Lee says, touching Azula again. After her catharsis, she does not feel her father in the touch of her fiancée. Perhaps honesty is not all bad.

"I've never told anyone before. I thought... I don't know what I thought." And Ty Lee kisses her, passionately, fiercely. Azula is sent reeling by her, delving into depths she never has explored.

"I've never seen you so human, princess," Ty Lee says and Azula is not sure if it is a compliment or not. It is infinitely easier to be a monster.

They have sex, and Azula does not feel flashbacks surging through her with the same strength.

But when she gets out of bed, slowly putting her clothes on, her beautiful body glittering in the Fire Nation sun, a rapid knocking is at the door. Ty Lee pulls on Azula's robe and opens it a crack, hiding her fiancée's body from prying eyes.

"Good morning, Zuko!" Ty Lee exclaims, grinning. He looks at her wearing Azula's clothes and knows that it was not a friendly trading. It gives him shivers to think about Azula and Ty Lee _doing it_, as childish as that sounds.

"I have to talk to Azula. If she's wearing clothes."

"I am, ZuZu." The vulnerable Azula Ty Lee clung to last night is replaced with the icy, purring, cavalier conqueror. So quickly, humanity fades from the Fire Nation's fiercest monster. Ty Lee supposes that is the Azula she loves, though she could love Azula in a thousand different ways.

Zuko walks inside, brushing past Ty Lee. Her skin is sticky with sweat and she smells like sex. Ew.

"Are you going to explain how our father got an irreparable burn?" Zuko does not expect her to give a straight answer. He will have to drag it from her lips, luring it out.

"I burnt him. Right on the face," Azula says, shrugging casually. She still gazes through the window, but, slowly, she turns around. She looks oddly smug at the disfiguration of Ozai.

"I thought you loved him." Zuko is baffled. He sees a flash of panic in Ty Lee's eyes.

"An eye for an eye. You must be pleased," Azula says, reaching towards her make-up bag and starting to apply it.

"I'm not pleased. But not necessarily because you burned him. Maybe he deserved that. Maybe. I'm bothered that you've been visiting him regularly, according to your guard," Zuko says, watching Azula apply her eye-make-up as if she has not just committed a crime.

"I didn't know I wasn't allowed to converse with my own father," Azula says, shrugging again. Zuko growls slightly. Ty Lee presses her lips together, looking for a way out of the situation. "I won't be seeing him again, if that makes you feel any better."

"People will _talk_, Azula. Think you're conspiring with him to take over the throne," Zuko says, clutching the doorknob with voracity.

"Maybe we were. But, as you can see, we don't see _eye to eye_ anymore." Azula laughs at her own joke, airy, careless, cruel.

"Are you up to something?" Zuko asks and Azula shrugs again. He leaves, slamming the door.

"You should control your temper, nephew," comes a gravelly voice from outside of Azula's bedroom.

Azula freezes, dropping her still ablaze eyeliner. Ty Lee quickly smothers the flames before they spread to the sheets that have been carelessly tossed to the floor during their morning tryst.

"Is that... Is that my uncle?" She clenches her fist and they glitter azure. Ty Lee's heart jumps into her throat. _No, no, no, no..._

* * *

"I know you are not pleased to see me, Azula," Iroh says earnestly as Azula and Ty Lee arrive at breakfast. "You both look lovely."

He notices the glow when Azula and Ty Lee look at each other. At first, he worried, like the others, that it was another of Azula's tricks. But clearly there is something between them. Love. Love can change people. Nothing else can. Azula still has the evil gleam in her eyes, the conniving look on her lips as she studies her surroundings. But when she looks at Ty Lee, that fades to compassion.

Ozai never had that look in his eyes once. Perhaps, Azula has hope.

"Why are you here?" Azula demands, sitting down at the table slowly. She crosses her legs, lips pouted slightly, her steely glare daring her uncle even to breathe. Ursa puts food in her mouth to keep from having to comment. "Don't you have your fucking tea shop to run?"

"I love weddings," Iroh says, shrugging with a stupid smile. Azula wants to rip his heart of his chest.

"I don't think you're invited to the wedding of two girls you tried to kill," Azula says and Ty Lee touches Azula's shoulders. Azula does not shrug the hands off, though she wants to.

"I apologize for that. It was misguided. It was an act of violence that I regret."

"_Regret _doesn't cut it, General Iroh," Azula spits and everyone in the room looks uncomfortable. "This is _my _wedding, and you _best _go back to the Earth Kingdom, where you _belong_."

Her golden eyes gleam with anger, her words biting venomously. Ty Lee digs her fingers into Azula, but Azula is not struggling to move. She does not attack, she merely gives a look that dares her uncle to protest. Zuko swallows loudly.

The silence in the room is painful.

Finally, Iroh speaks. "I can understand why you are angry. But I think that there is a chance that our family can make amends. We all have our faults, our failures and our feelings for each other. A wedding is the most beautiful of occasions, and, perhaps, this is a chance to bring together seams that were torn apart."

Silence. Azula's lips twitch slightly in contemplation.

"I'll give you _one chance_," Azula says, holding up one finger. Ty Lee lets go of her fiancée, relieved she did not have to stop her from attacking Iroh.

"I respect your decision."

He is so _ugh_. Azula cannot describe how much she hates weaklings like her uncle.

"I think the only thing that caused a rift in your family was the fight for the throne," Ty Lee remarks, surprisingly astute. They are out at lunch, accompanied by an even more expansive guard ─ thanks to burning Ozai ─ and the stares of the commoners.

Azula eyes her food as if it will tell her how to answer Ty Lee. "Well, I mean... that was the extent of what our family even was. Just a bunch of people who were eligible for absolute power."

"I bet if you guys could shake all of those pent up old feelings, you could get along. Can you imagine that?" Ty Lee offers hopefully. Azula takes a deep breath. She hates to admit that Ty Lee is right.

"There's a lot between us that has been unresolved for years," Azula sighs. The flickering flame atop candle at the center of the table grows several inches. She takes a deep breath and it goes down again. "I mean, my mother left, my uncle hated me, my brother was always competition for the throne, my father was distant and... worse than that. My grandfather saw me as an asset, before he was murdered. All of these people have only spurned me, and you expect us to just confess our feelings and be best friends?"

Ty Lee is pleased that Azula has opened up, but she wishes the answer were easier. Trying to fix the relationships of the Fire Nation Royal Family may be an impossible task. They have harmed each other far more than they have helped each other, save for, perhaps, Zuko and Iroh.

"You all have a lot in common, you know?" Ty Lee says and Azula scoffs. _As if_. "It's true. You _are _a family, no matter how much you all try to hide it."

"What do I have in common with my _uncle_? Please, answer that," Azula says, touching the tips of her fingers together. She leans forward mockingly.

Ty Lee is at a loss for words. "You have a lot in common with Zuko."

"Really? _Really_?" Azula snorts derisively and leans back in her chair.

And Ty Lee shoves food in her mouth to keep from embarrassing herself further.

[X]

"Do you want to come pick out flowers and catering with me?" Ty Lee asks Iroh. "I've been wedding planning for a while, but those are two of the last things on my checklist."

Iroh looks surprised. "Wouldn't you rather bring Azula?"

Ty Lee shrugs and says, "I suffered through dress-fittings with her. She isn't a fan of the whole wedding preparation thing. You like this kind of stuff, though."

He does like this kind of stuff. Of course, he is certain that Ty Lee has intentions aside from just buying flowers and booking catering. But he is more than happy to help prepare for the upcoming royal wedding.

They set of into the shopping district of the Capitol, a place where Iroh has not been in two years or so. Ty Lee's eyes glitter at the endless rows and shops of anything you can imagine to purchase. He has to admit he finds the sights and smells exciting as well.

"I've tried to cut back on my shopping habits," Iroh says as he starts examining a hat he will probably buy but never wear. "But sometimes I forget how relaxing it can be."

"That's exactly how I feel!" Ty Lee exclaims, perching a pink headband on her forehead. "How can you not forget your troubles when you're buying new things!"

They wind up with six bags of useless trinkets by the time they reach the flower shop. It is the same one that Zuko and Mai used, although neither of them could remember the name and Ty Lee had to do most of her own digging. She walks inside.

It is humid and heated inside, with flowers dripping water and blooming in the sunlight that pours through the windows. The entire store has a pleasant aroma, and Iroh is smelling one of the flowers behind Ty Lee as she walks up to the counter.

"Hi," she says brightly, waving. She is nearly ignored. "I said hi."

"Yes, yes, what do you want?" the woman says, as if she has somewhere better to be. Azula would have already said something terrifying and Ty Lee would be attempting to fade into the fabric of time itself. But Iroh peacefully walks to the counter.

"We're here to pick out some flowers for her wedding," Iroh says calmly. The woman looks between them.

"You're not marrying each other, are you?" she asks and Iroh blushes. Ty Lee shakes her head ferociously. "Well, a wedding is always wonderful. What kind of flowers do you want?"

"I don't really know. Well we're getting married in Sozin Memorial Meadow the week the fire-lilies bloom ─ that's two months from now ─ and so there will probably be a lot of red but I'm thinking maybe something on the _pink _side. Or the _white _side I guess. White is nice," Ty Lee lists rapidly.

They sort out the flowers with ease, Iroh even helping make the final decision. Ty Lee knew him vaguely when she was a kid; she thought he was funny. But he is nothing like Azula and Zuko, not even remotely. He is far off from Ozai as well, and Ty Lee hates to admit that she sees Ozai in both of his children.

"What made you so mellow?" Ty Lee asks, admiring the single flower Iroh bought her. It is the most beautiful one in the shop, and she completely would have missed it bouncing around like a crazy trying to sort out the wedding.

Iroh laughs. "Old age, mostly."

"I kind of had an ulterior motive bringing you with me," Ty Lee admits as they walk into the third restaurant she scheduled tastings at. "I was wondering if you had any advice on helping Azula solve her familiar issues."

Iroh laughs again, this time, almost mirthlessly. "I have been trying to solve my own problems with my family for a long, long time. You certainly didn't take on an easy task."

Ty Lee shrugs. But Iroh gives her the best advice on the Fire Nation's royal family that he can.

He hopes she accomplishes her impossible task.

He truly does.

[X]

_"Are you watching me change?" Azula asks when she and Ty Lee are fourteen. They are in Azula's beautiful bedroom in the Earth Kingdom palace. Ty Lee is stretching, still in her disguise. Her eyes are glued to Azula as she slips into her pajamas, face paint half on and half off, red streaks are around her eyes._

_"N-nope, princess," Ty Lee says, looking away so quickly that her neck sends a jolt of pain through the back of her head._

_The truth is, she completely was. Examining the contours of Azula's body, the perfect, albeit small, cleavage. She did not expect to get caught ogling the mostly naked body of the Fire Nation Princess. And that's how you get banished._

_Azula kind of wishes that Ty Lee were watching her change._

[X]

Ty Lee watches Azula get undressed for the night. She is stretching and mulling through her thoughts. The current topic is much heavier than her usual thinking; she is wondering how to make the Fire Nation's royal family get along. Now that is a difficult subject to tackle.

"Are you watching me change?" Azula asks and Ty Lee nods.

"I don't have to be," Ty Lee adds and Azula smirks.

"I would watch myself change." Azula walks over to Ty Lee, her nightgown half on, the strap falling over the edge of her shoulder, and presses her lips against the acrobat's.

"Before we," Ty Lee says, gasping for breath between Azula's burning kisses, "do this. I want you to promise me something."

"Mhm." Azula is distracted by stripping away her fiancée's clothes.

"Promise that you'll find a reason to live other than pursuit of power. It's the only way we can really be together," Ty Lee says and Azula's hands freeze. They stand, pressed against each other, in total silence for a moment.

And honestly, truly, thoroughly, earnestly, Azula says, "I will."

She spins the acrobat with ease, tearing into her. They fall onto the bed, Ty Lee's back colliding with the cushions. Azula is on top of her and she feels at ease in a way she has not before. Because Azula was telling the truth; she meant it and they both knew it.

Love can free her from the shadows, just like Ty Lee is freeing Azula from her halfheartedly donned clothes.

"You're almost trustworthy now, Azula," Ty Lee murmurs as their kiss breaks. Azula makes a strange sound in the back of her throat and Ty Lee does not know if it is anger or affirmation.

"Almost," Azula purrs, as her warm hand slides up the inside of Ty Lee's thigh. Nails dig into bare skin, the pain tingling with pleasure. The incessant throbbing between her legs makes her blush bright red. "But I can be pretty twisted, if you're into that kind of thing."

Azula kisses her before she can respond, taking the breath out of Ty Lee's lungs. They break apart again, Azula swirling her tongue around Ty Lee's navel.

"I think I might be into the monster thing," Ty Lee breathes as Azula dips lower. "But honesty is a turn on."

"You're killing the mood, Ty Lee," Azula purrs, lifting her tongue from Ty Lee's hip.

And they continue in desperate silence.

[X]

Zuko walks into the living room and immediately finds Azula's guard. It consists of entirely new soldiers, trained in bending, weapons and other areas of prowess. Given that the Fire Nation is no longer invading places, he was able to pluck the best of the best to watch Azula. None of them seem very happy about it, nor does she make their job easy. But he added four more guards after her incident with Ozai.

"What are you doing?" Zuko asks and she jumps. He never thought she could be caught by surprise, even while concentrating.

"I don't have time to talk right now," Azula says, holding a piece of paper at arm's length and studying it closely.

Zuko sits down across from her. He sees that the seemingly endless stacks of parchment are lists of names. He catches _Katara _and _Mai_ and a few other familiar ones, and a bunch he does not know. Azula has sorted them into three piles: one has only one sheet, one has most of the sheets, and another has ones that look untouched.

"What do the piles mean?" Zuko asks, gesturing at them. She raises an eyebrow.

"You're not a very good listener, are you?" She takes the sheet with Mai's name on it and sets it on the taller pile.

"I want to know," he insists and she sighs haughtily.

"I'm making piles of people I want to be at my wedding, and people I _don't _want to be at my wedding."

Three guesses which pile is which.

"Ty Lee already sent the invitations," Zuko says. "I had to sign all of them with the royal seal."

"She told me I could un-invite whoever I wanted last night," Azula says, picking up the next sheet of names.

"Were you wearing a shirt when she said that?" Zuko asks and Azula slowly sets down the paper.

"You're uninvited now," she says, picking up the next sheet.

"You can't just _un-invite _me from your wedding," Zuko says, stunned. Yet, not surprised.

"I just did." Azula shrugs with a small smirk.

"I'm Fire Lord. I can come to any wedding I want to!"

"I didn't know you were such a tyrant."

"Mai will bring me as her date!"

"Nice work, ZuZu, now I've uninvited Mai. There we go. Two people uninvited in less than five minutes. I'm good at this," Azula says, smiling now. Zuko looks flustered.

"You want Mai at your wedding. It doesn't matter if you two are having issues, you're best friends," Zuko says, attempting bargaining and failing hilariously. Azula silently resumes organizing the guest list. "It's not like you really have power over the invite list! You can't just say that I can't come."

Silence. Zuko scowls.

"Alright, I'm feeling generous, brother," Azula suddenly says as she adds a category of names to the smaller pile. "You can come to my wedding."

"I would've come anyway," Zuko grumbles and she smirks faintly.

[X]

Azula is practicing. She feels the tension inside of her, the confusion after her confrontations with her mother, father and fiancée. They have made her a jumbled mess with such loss of purpose that she feels like she is wandering blind. It hurts more than birth, more than rebirth and worse than death.

She eyes the fountain. A bird sips water from it. Two fingers. Lightning. Wait ─ what? Azula repeats the motion, so familiar to her, enforced by the harsh hands of her mentor. Again. Again. And nothing. No friction. No lightning.

In frustration, she sends blades of flame from both hands. They do not stretch as far as they once did. The flames crackle. Red. Red fire. She stares at her hands, tries again. Feeble. Red.

Perhaps she has hallucinated that she turned into Zuko. But it feels so vivid, so alive. And again and again she throws the red fire, crimson, orange, colors she cannot fathom, and burns the garden to the ground. But it is not beautiful. It is ugly and it is weak and she sits amongst the ash and cries.

Maybe someone will see her. Maybe not. But she does not know what ailment has afflicted her.

"Azula."

"Zuko, I don't want to talk right now." Her voice is biting, lacking the icy purr, lacking the _ZuZu_.

"Are you hurt?" Zuko kneels beside her and sees the mascara stains on her cheeks. She pushes him away as he looks at the ash. "What did you do to the garden?"

Azula is running, running away from him, running away from what she has become. But Zuko chases after her, pursuing her like she hunted him. He grabs her shoulder and her hands light in flame. Red. Zuko is stunned, looking at the new color. At the lack of intensity of the blaze.

"I know what's wrong with you," Zuko says instantly and Azula is skeptical.

"I'm open to anything," she says earnestly, breaking free of him. She lights up her hands and wants to cry. But she doesn't; Azula does not _cry_. She has always had to solve her own problems, and informing other people of her problems usually made them worse. Azula does not _cry_, no matter how much her nose is tingling right now.

"You lost your drive. Firebending comes from within ─ you have to have a purpose. It happened to me. Somehow... you must have lost that." Silence. Azula does not respond. "Well, see, I taught Aang firebending. And when I tried to teach him, suddenly I couldn't firebend anymore. Well, not well."

"Worse than usual?" Azula interjects and Zuko ignores her.

"So, Aang and I went on a trip to find me a new source for my bending. And we got captured. And then I met a dragon─"

"A dragon." Azula crosses her arms. Zuko is being a total asshole. "You saw _a dragon_."

"No. Two dragons."

"Don't mock me! This is a real problem," Azula snaps, looking panicked. Zuko has never seen her so unraveled. "I have spent my entire life perfecting _one _thing. And now-now-now I..."

"Azula, please calm down. Okay, let's ignore the dragon thing. But firebending comes from a drive within you. And you need a purpose. What was your purpose?"

Silence. Azula thinks carefully. "Perfection."

"Perfection? That doesn't count." Zuko sighs

"Power. Pursuit of power," Azula corrects, picking at her fingernails obsessively. She starts touching her eyes, paranoid that tears will come out. _Is my face red? My fire is red!_

"That's more like it. So, obviously, you must have made a decision that removed that drive. And now you need to find a new one," Zuko explains and Azula chews on the inside of her cheek. "You _did _burn our father."

"As if that was a big deal! What decision have I made? I lost my ability to gain power a long time ago and I could still bend like the master. Better than anyone," Azula says, her heart palpitating. Fits and starts.

"You never accepted it, though. You refused to accept the change," Zuko says and Azula groans.

"You sound like Uncle," she snaps. She looks ready to burn down a building. Her fingertips are burning, albeit red, and every breath she exhales black smoke. Zuko tries not to choke on it.

"Yeah, I know. So, let's say I'm right," he says and Azula snorts derisively. "Just for a minute. Let's say I'm right and you've finally accepted that pursuing power isn't your purpose anymore. It would do you well to find something else to focus on anyway. It would probably save you a lot of misery."

Azula hates to admit that he has a point. "Alright. But what else is there? I don't know anything different."

"I can't decide for you," Zuko says and Azula sighs. She does not like this. As much as she hates involving other people in her life, if someone else handed her the answer and her fire would just turn blue again, she would be far happier right now.

"Okay, so I just have to find a new reason to bend. Wonderful," Azula purrs, looking incredibly pissed. Zuko shrugs.

"Why don't you ask around? Get some help from the people closest to you," Zuko offers, holding out two hands. "I'll help you."

Azula sighs. "I suppose I'm out of options. Lead on, brother."

[X]

Azula is standing on her head. Her feet are against the wall and her skirt is being held up by the hands of her fiancée. Zuko sits on the floor, making eye contact with her. She looks deep in concentration.

"Is it helping?" Zuko asks and Azula nearly falls. She has been in the same position for nearly an hour.

Azula slowly breathes out a thin strand of flame. It is bright red.

"Nope," she says, adjusting her feet on the wall. The blood has rushed to her head and it is actually impairing her thinking. This is doing the opposite of what it was supposed to do.

"I thought you said this would work," Zuko says, looking at Ty Lee. She shrugs and Azula's skirt drops several inches. Zuko shields his eyes.

"I said that sometimes it helps to change your perspective," Ty Lee snaps, pulling back up Azula's ruby skirt. Azula breathes out again. Still red and slender.

"You have to find a new drive, Azula. Not just stand on your head," Zuko says, frustrated. Azula drops down, bending her back over and standing on her feet. Zuko looks up at her with a sour expression.

"You could have said that before I stood on my head for almost an hour," Azula says sharply, walking towards the door. Zuko and Ty Lee follow her as she tosses out flames and gets more and more frustrated.

"Well, since we've exhausted Ty Lee's wisdom, I think it's my move," Zuko says and Azula freezes. The flames in her hands fizzle out.

"So help me if you say _uncle_..." But it is too late, Zuko has made up his mind.

"I see," Iroh says as Zuko and Azula talk over each other, explaining the predicament in childishly competitive manner. "I will be happy to help you."

"Why?" Azula demands, glaring at her brother and uncle. "What's in it for you?"

"I want to help you," Iroh says and Azula purses her lips. She supposes she is out of options. Ty Lee is gnawing on her nails anxiously. Azula has the desire to bat away her hands and tell her that it is disgusting, but, instead, she lets it slide.

"Well, go on," Azula says. "Tell me what I'm supposed to base my bending on."


	18. commonalities

chapter eighteen: commonalities

* * *

_"I'd say go on climbing, but don't expect to reach the top tomorrow. Don't expect yourself to be perfect for other people." - Annie on My Mind, Nancy Garden_

* * *

_As small children in a big palace, Azula and Zuko are forced into a shadowy corner of a room._

_"You just don't like him because you're not his favorite," Zuko says as Azula glares at their uncle and Lu Ten. They are deep in conversation and the two young cousins are sitting on the opposite side of the room. Azula is already bored of her brother's company._

_"I don't like him because our dad would be a better Fire Lord," Azula mutters under her breath. Zuko hears her and blushes, looking around frantically. "You don't think so too?"_

_Azula is five. Maybe that is too young to already understand the repercussions of her words, but seven year old Zuko is well aware of walking on eggshells. They keep each other company, despite the deep seated loathing that has already begun to fester at a young age._

_They could have been friends. Maybe they were. They did not know anyone else; they had never been out of the palace. A toddler and a tyke, two kids brought together solely by the fact that they were the only two kids, and whenever Azulon and his sons were occupied with the war ─ in other words, constantly ─ the two siblings were ushered off in the same direction._

_"You should think about what you say before you say it," Zuko says._

_Azula shrugs. "Nobody takes little kids seriously, ZuZu."_

_She _does _have a point. The two of them are mostly ignored. Children are better seen and not heard._

[X]

After going to see Iroh for help, he seems to be fixated on Zuko and Azula, and their past together. It is something the siblings do not necessarily want to talk about, but it seems they are forced to.

"I recall when you two were friends," Iroh says, sitting down with Azula and Zuko. He lights a series of candles on the table for some inexplicable reason. Azula looks frustrated, Ty Lee frazzled and Zuko focused intently on his Uncle.

"You and Zuko were friends?" Ty Lee asks, laughing slightly. "I can't imagine that."

"We were only _friends _because there were no other children around," Azula says, tapping her fingers on the table. She wills them to give off sparks, but they do not come.

"Let me tell you something about our family," Iroh says and Azula slumps in her chair pointedly. Her uncle does not react to her evident distaste. "The pursuit of power is the only thing that drove us apart. And, Azula, seeking power will only bring suffering. Now, it seems, that as you war within yourself, you have started to drift away from the path of seizing power, but now you have nothing driving you. As Zuko explained, this is why you struggle with your bending. You need to find a new drive."

"Why can't somebody just tell me what to do and it's all fixed?" Azula throws her hands up in the air, the candles burning more ferociously.

"You have to decide this for yourself. The road you have chosen is not an easy one to walk, but I trust that you can make it."

"I just... what if my bending stays weak forever? What if pursuit of power was the thing making me strong?" Azula says and Iroh is surprised that she confided those fears in anyone.

"If anything, once you make your own decision for what fuels you, you will be stronger," he says, and her eyes show that she internalized his words. He was right; Azula has more to her than she would like people to know.

"I made my own decision. Years ago," Azula says, bristling. Ty Lee seizes her hand in a rapid motion.

"It was your father's decision, not yours," Iroh says with passion and Azula wants to punch him. But... she must admit he is _right_. It sickens her to the _bone _that Uncle is right about this, but he is and she supposes she will have to live with that.

[X]

_"Tell me what Zuko told you." The unexpected voice of Iroh's niece reverberates through the jail._

_Iroh returns her question with silence. He faces the wall, refusing to make eye contact. It makes Azula livid as she wraps her hands around the bars and shakes them. They heat up, turning red briefly and then she pulls away. Iroh watches out of the corner of his eye._

_"What's he plotting?" Azula demands, her tone purring. She tries to keep her cool but she is heating up. Iroh wishes he had gotten to her before Ozai, like he did with Zuko. Maybe things could have been different. "I know that you two are up to something. You've clawed your way into his head, General Iroh."_

_He does not respond. If only he were planning something with Zuko._

_But Zuko is lost to him._

_At least for the time being._

_Azula does not leave until her voice is hoarse. Finally, she gives up, and returns to the palace._

_A week later, the door opens to Iroh's cell._

_"Are you going to talk?" Azula has returned. Iroh was hoping she would not come back. "I can make it worth your while."_

_Iroh makes a small sound in the back of his throat, like laughter. Azula grits her teeth._

_Azula starts to pace. "Well, fine, if you're going to be that way. I'm not stupid. Zuko comes to visit you and comes back with a look in his eyes that I don't like. Skittish. I like things predictable, Uncle. Zuko is unpredictable. And only you can help me predict his moves."_

_Silence. Azula lights up two fingers. She aims at his back and he does not move. Slowly, she puts out the flame. Thoughts churn in her mind as she tries to figure out a way to make him come clean._

[X]

"I'm still pretty sure I bend better than you," Azula remarks mockingly as Uncle is brewing tea. Ty Lee is helping him, looking amazed by the action of steeping herbs in water.

Azula is dancing through firebending steps, incredibly disappointed in herself. The fears and doubts are burning out of control inside of her, as her fire barely radiates heat. She _melted _a sword in half, and now she looks like a street performer or _worse_.

"I can bend way better than that," Zuko grumbles as Azula writes her name in the air in smoke. She looks at her work with disappointment, and then starts chewing on her lips. Zuko eyes her, wondering what she is thinking. She can be incredibly unpredictable.

"Come on. Fight me," Azula says, twisting around with the weak fire. She looks very angry of it, as if the flames themselves have done something to piss her off.

"No thanks," Zuko mumbles, though part of him wants to. He recalls when _he _lost his drive, and seeing Azula prance around with perfectly fine fire and look ready to cry about it is humiliating for everyone involved.

"Do you remember that one time, when we first had to do firebending lessons," Azula says, stopping her incessant tossing about of lukewarm red fire, "and it was the first real time we ever fought over anything."

"Because you kept taunting me when the instructor wasn't looking and I got beaten up for lack of focus," Zuko says with as little intonation as his wife. Azula smirks. He remembers being forced to _breathe _for six hours starting at sunrise. And Azula would, while he was looking alone, breathe out flames and wink at him, and he would be reminded of his father's anger at him and everyone's adulation of his little sister. It is an unpleasant memory, as most seem to be.

"You were _so _mad at me it was hilarious." Azula start again and Zuko grabs her arm, rendering her incapable of bending. Her eyes flash wide and her lips part. "Don't do that, asshole."

She crosses her arms and does not bend again.

_Five years ago, Azula tries to reclaim what she had with her brother. But after all of this time, it is lost._

_"So, regale me with tales of your adventures," Azula says, slightly sarcastic. She and Zuko are alone together at home, the others who surround them gone. Boredom. "More like tales of your failures. But I'd like to hear them nonetheless."_

_Zuko cannot tell if she is serious or if she is mocking him. That is how it tends to be with them. She offered him his honor at Ba Sing Se, when she could have easily killed him or returned him as a prisoner. Then again, he did come to her aid against Uncle. They haven't seen each other in years, and they have not spoken at all about what has passed in the years of absence. And now Azula makes the first move._

_"I'm sure you've heard all of them second-hand," Zuko says, crossing his arms. She smirks._

_"Is it true you set the Avatar free?" Azula whispers and Zuko's eyes flash. Hers glow. "So it is."_

_"I didn't say anything." Zuko is clearly pissed and Azula is enjoying it._

_"I saw it all in your eyes. I'm assuming you set him free to get him for yourself," Azula says, leaning back. She sets her feet on the coffee table._

_"You can't see that in someone's eyes." Zuko scowls. They bring out each other's inner child in the worst of ways. "Where did you even hear about that?"_

_"The boasts of an old man."_

_"Zhao." Zuko knows the admiral is dead, but he cannot help but hate him. Hatred is surprisingly easy to embrace for Zuko and Azula both._

_"I have this way of fading into the walls. People say things in front of me and don't think twice. But I absorb it. I swallow their weakness like a street performer drinks fire. I've been lurking around this palace for long, long time. People forget about me," Azula explains, smiling faintly. There is a slight bitterness in her words, as if she is not as proud of what she says as she is claiming to be._

_"Well aren't you lucky." Zuko snorts derisively._

_"I would've done it," Azula says, shrugging._

_"Done what?" Zuko demands, though he knows the answer._

_"Set the Avatar free. I would've caught him afterwards, of course. But nobody blames you," Azula says airily._

_"No one could prove it was me."_

_"But who else could it have been?" Azula continues, eyeing him closely. "The Blue Spirit goes where Zuko goes. I followed the rumors briefly, and where did I run into you but a few miles from where the Blue Spirit was last seen?"_

_"Shut up, Azula."_

_"Nice comeback." She leans back in her chair, looking horrendously smug._

Azula and Iroh are walking by the pier. The guards are particularly on edge, which she supposes they are right to be. She thinks she has attacked her uncle almost as many times as she has attacked Zuko.

_"It's like when prides of moose-lion think that one of the elders is a little _too _old or _too _sick. And so the boldest of the young ones starts attacking it every time it tries to eat or drink," Azula explains at the end of her story of burning Iroh and escaping._

_"You know too many pointless facts, princess," Mai replies, shaking her hair and splattering Ty Lee with water. _

_"I'm simply explaining my reasoning behind why General Iroh _must _die."_

_"How about we go over that once I'm not _wet _anymore? I'm literally soaking."_

"I can swim," Azula says abruptly and Iroh looks mildly confused. "In case you were planning on pushing me in."

They stand at the pier. It once crawled with soldiers, but now it consists mainly of merchants. Many ships have been permanently dry-docked, and the defenses are down. Azula disapproves, but she keeps her mouth shut.

"This is where I first left to go to war," Uncle says, gesturing at the dock on which they stand. Azula rolls her eyes.

"What does this have to do with my bending?" Azula demands and Iroh swallows.

"You remind me of your brother. I know that is not what you want to hear, but a life of instantaneously getting what you ask for can only lead to disappointment." Ugh. Azula makes a face behind him and he does not comment.

"Why did you take me here? What about this _dock _is so significant?" Azula asks, glancing around. _My desperation is never-ending._

Iroh pauses. He has come to this spot many times, thinking not about his own military failure, but about watching his son board the ships from where his feet are now. Azula does not need to know that. But as she looks at him like he is crazy, aggravated, fidgeting, he sees Zuko in her. They have so much in common that they do not see.

"I came here looking for purpose many times after my return from Ba Sing Se."

"Mhm." She sounds sarcastic.

Silence. Iroh feels the sea wind on him, touching his skin. He always craved that feeling as a youth, but now, he does not even like it when he is relaxing on a beach. The smell of ocean has lost its pleasantness. Azula fidgets with her fingertips in the exact same way that her brother does when he is asked to stand still. The same way that Lu Ten did.

"I was very much like you in my youth," Iroh says and Azula scoffs. "I was. An overachiever. I never failed. Things came easily to me. I made my father very proud. But I failed and I thought it would be my ultimate downfall."

Azula is suddenly listening. She says, without thinking, "You at Ba Sing Se like me during the comet."

Iroh nods. "My purpose in life was being Fire Lord. But my brother took that from me. And I lost those I loved, much like you and Ty Lee."

"At least she didn't die." Pause. "That was insensitive. Sorry." The words tumble from Azula's lips. She has never related to Iroh once in her life.

"You know why I believe in second chances?"

"Why?"

"Because I got a second chance when I failed. It turned my life around. I came here for a long time looking for purpose, and, eventually, I found it. A purpose beyond power and glory," Iroh explains and Azula steps towards him. They stand next to each other on the abandoned dock.

"So what was your purpose?" Azula says, very quietly. Never has her Uncle made so much sense.

"I thought redemption was in the eyes of others. But it wasn't. The affirmation of others was my life. After a while, I realized that it was on me. My failures, my successes, my redemption ─ it was on me."

"How is _that _a purpose?" Azula asks, clearly frustrated again. Her awe at her uncle disappears.

"I'm just throwing some ideas out there," Iroh says, shrugging. He smiles at her and she pouts.

"This _has_ been more effective than standing on my head," Azula admits halfheartedly. Iroh steps aside. She sets her feet where he had so many times before. The princess squints at the water. "I decided that things mattered to me more than power. And now... I guess... admitting that feels like giving up."

"Failure makes people stronger," Iroh says honestly, fixing his eyes on Azula's. She does not look away, although she wants to.

Silence.

[X]

Zuko walks in on Azula sitting, balancing precariously atop of a chair. Her eyes are closed and she looks eerily like a statue. She always imagined that statues would be made of her, unfortunately, that is not the case. Her breathing is perfectly controlled, mastered. Zuko breathes like a hog-monkey.

"Did Uncle make sense?"

Azula nearly falls off of the chair, cursing under her breath. "I was trying to do some intense introspection. Thank you for just barging in and shouting."

"So he broke through, huh?" Zuko says, looking terribly smug. Azula chews on her lip. "He _did_. And the results?"

"I'm not a failure." Azula says it in a way Zuko never imagined her to. "And I need to find independence. Power isn't everything."

Zuko tosses a whip of fire at her and she leaps to her feet. Another blast that she blocks with her wrist.

"Have you gone fucking insane?" Azula handsprings over another tongue of flame. And when she tosses back, the room is illuminated in a brilliant azure.

"You looked like you could use a push in the right direction." Zuko grins.

"My bending is back!" She cheers, smiling (albeit with only half of her mouth). Then, a sudden severity. "And now I'm going to have to kill you for assaulting me."

Zuko starts running. Cracks of fire dance after him, setting ablaze foliage and furniture alike. She chases him, sliding across the floor with light feet, and blocks the fire that Zuko sends back. He is laughing as she rounds the corner and catches up with him, holding two fingers at either side of her. They sparkle with fire. Zuko lights his entire fist.

"We are really not responsible, are we?" Zuko says as they dash outside.

"Bending was not invented to be used _responsibly_, ZuZu." She throws a flame nearly the side of the courtyard. Zuko jumps over it, the winds knocked out of him as he miraculously lands on his feet.

"They managed to patch this place up pretty well," Azula remarks as they enter the still slightly ashy garden. She burnt it to the ground yesterday and there are already a few fresh flowers blooming.

Zuko catches her off guard with a blast of flame and she breaks it around her body. It singes the air but the skin it made contact with is smooth and cool.

They play fight until they collapse. Zuko has gotten to be more of a foe, yet Azula is falling back into her stride. Neither of them moves for the kill, and Azula feels mildly ashamed of the fact that she keeps a mental note of Zuko's habits if she ever is in a duel to the death with him. Her thoughts suddenly spiral to the resistance, and as she lies beside Zuko, catching her breath, she wonders if she should tell him that she was contacted by them.

"So about that dragon...?" Azula asks, though she was going to say something about the resistance's offer. She supposes to take the conversation in a playful direction and leave herself a few options. Zuko is coughing every few breaths, far more winded than his sister. Perhaps she should teach him to breathe like a real firebender.

"Just don't ask," Zuko replies, waving his hand dismissively. Azula smirks. "Really. Just don't."

"So how did you know my bending was back to normal?" Azula rolls onto her side, examining him closely. Her eyes sparkle in the sunlight.

"To be honest, I didn't."

"Thought you had a chance to beat me, did you?" Azula is laughing now as Zuko turns red. "Hit a girl while she's down."

"So what did Uncle say?" Zuko asks curiously and Azula shrugs, not wanting to divulge the information.

"You had to be there." They lie there in silence, staring at the clouds. The clouds float across the sky and Zuko and Azula do not say a word, but then again, there is no reason to speak. It just feels nice to be on the same side for once, instead of their father's playthings.

"I think I like new Azula," Zuko says and she rolls her eyes. "She tries to kill me less."

"That could obviously just be a diversion. Get you nice and comfortable before I assassinate you," Azula remarks and Zuko is speechless. "I like to keep people on their toes."

And so she makes amends with Zuko and Iroh. It's, surprisingly, not that bad.

Maybe she is getting better at being _good_.

"How about I teach you something," Zuko suggests and Azula snorts derisively.

"Like what?" She looks amused by him in a very smug manner.

"Like how to redirect lightning." Suddenly, his sister is listening. Zuko supposes she _would _be at his offer. Maybe it is stupid, but the reparations with Azula are something he finds that he _wants_.

"That's very foolish on your part. I could easily use that form to defeat you," Azula says sharply, pulling a blade of grass out of her hair. "Didn't uncle teach it to you specifically to use against me?"

"Then take it as a show of good faith," Zuko says, pushing himself into a seated position. Azula does not move, looking skeptical. "I hope I'm a good teacher."

"If I die..." Azula says, standing up.

"It would be ironic, you have to admit," Zuko says, stumbling to his feet. "Princess Azula, killed by her own lightning."

Silence. "Just teach me your trick." But she is smiling faintly.

"Okay, I'm just going to say what Uncle said and hope this works," Zuko says, taking a deep breath. Azula clenches her neck. _This can only end poorly. _"Okay, so I'm going to spare the lengthy introduction."

"I appreciate that," Azula says, smirking. He straightens up and his face screws up as he tries to remember Uncle's exact words.

"If... you... um, let, your energy flow ─ the stomach is the source of energy... I think ─ and you ─ don't cross your heart or you die," Zuko says, his eyes half closed and his cheeks tensed as he talks. Azula suppresses laughter. "Okay, so detour ─ um, detour through the stomach. Not heart! Pathway."

"How are you so successful at doing this?" Azula asks, shaking her head slowly. She must admit she enjoys watching Zuko flounder, but she was hoping to actually learn this form.

"Flow of chi," Zuko offers feebly. He shrugs and kicks a rock.

"Okay, okay, take all of those words, and try to make them coherent," Azula says, looking incredibly amused. Zuko scowls.

He takes a deep breath. "So, it's about the flow of chi, and the flow of lightning. You redirect the other person's flow of lightning with your flow of chi. But don't cross you heart. Go through your stomach, and then, point."

"Much clearer. Perhaps a demonstration before I accidentally off myself," Azula says, gesturing in front of her.

"Okay," Zuko says before doing some kind of confusing motion. Azula squeezes her eyes shut. _Don't mock him. Don't mock him. Don't mock him. _Restraint. Restraint. Restraint.

"I'm not doing that," Azula says. No way is she going to look _that _ridiculous. She would be better off simply striking first.

"Then you'll never be able to redirect lightning." Zuko shrugs and starts to walk away. Azula sighs.

"Okay, I'll do your stupid Water Tribe dance."

"I thought you'd come around." Zuko turns back.

"No real lightning!" comes the high pitched voice of Ty Lee. She has just arrived on the scene, and has heard most of this conversation. It became common knowledge that the fate of the curtains in the throne room was brought on by Zuko and Azula playing with lightning. "Do not throw real lightning at my fiancée!"

"It's not like Zuko could even hit me if he tried," Azula smirks, taking a break from her fluid motions and waving at Ty Lee. "Can you even summon lightning?"

"I could hit you with lightning," Zuko growls defensively, adjusting her form with a little too much force.

"I'm a pretty small target," Azula snickers, mastering the motion a little too quickly for Zuko's liking. "I can hit a gold piece nailed to a wall. You can hit the wall... probably."

"Don't make me regret teaching you this," Zuko says as Azula returns to standing. Her posture has devolved in her time in prison; she looks oddly casual when she is not in a fighting stance. It does make her more approachable.

Ty Lee arrives between them. "How do you know if it works?"

"You know about _chi_. Does it look like it will work?" Azula asks, rushing through the motion. Ty Lee studies her closely with a slightly dazed expression.

"I have no clue." She stands back as Zuko raises an eyebrow. "Did your Uncle throw lightning at you to check, Zuko?"

"Nope."

"So you were just going on blind faith?" Azula asks and Ty Lee laughs.

"I actually walked into a lightning storm." Zuko scratches the back of his head and the two girls both laugh. He shrugs. "It worked."

"You should have come and found us!" Ty Lee says blithely. "Azula would have gladly thrown lightning at you."

[X]

At dinner that night, Iroh and Azula do not fight. Everyone, especially Ty Lee, is amazed at the lack of tension between the two. Azula silently eats as Mai complains and Zuko talks incessantly to his Uncle.

But they exchange a rather knowing glance.

_We're not so different. And that isn't as terrible as I believed._


	19. razor

chapter nineteen: razor

* * *

_"True friends stab each other in the front."  
\- Oscar Wilde -  
_

* * *

"There's only one thing I really want for my wedding, Mai," Ty Lee says, facing off with her best friend. Mai is pregnant and sullen, but Ty Lee looks exceptionally serious. The Fire Lady supposes she can hear it out; she does not have a present planned. "I want you to make amends with Azula."

Mai sighs. Ty Lee clenches her fists. Never, has Mai seen Ty Lee so _adamant _about something. She simply never leaves it alone. The incessant prodding is like poking a pressure point until Mai finally crumbles and caves in.

"Look, if it makes you feel better, Azula and I can be friends again. I'm bored of fighting with her anyway." It is the truth.

"You forgive her for trying to kill you?" Ty Lee says, leaning in close to Mai. The acrobat smells like cinnamon. Like fire gummies. Mai wonders why she always wants to smell like food.

[X]

_"It's good to see you, Mai," Azula says genuinely after her laughter quiets. Mai smiles faintly for the first time in a long time._

_Ty Lee jumps full force at Mai, hugging her tightly after Azula's half-hearted embrace. She bounces back._

_"I thought you joined the circus. You said it was your calling."_

_"Azula called a little louder."_

[X]

"Okay, sure." Mai yawns and leans back, her hand resting on the ever-growing bump. It now gets in the way of her every-day activities. "I mean, it's not like she hasn't thrown lightning at us before."

Ty Lee is stunned by how easily Mai gave in. And in comes the shuffling of a multitude of metal boots. Azula, as always, accompanied by the guards trained to arrest her. She takes Ty Lee by the waist and kisses her pointedly in front of Mai. Ty Lee blushes, falling backwards slightly from the kiss, but held in the hands of the princess.

"So, Azula," Mai says, looking up. Azula pulls away from her fiancée. "Let's be friends again."

"Okay," Azula says, shrugging. Ty Lee is baffled.

"It was that easy? All along?" Ty Lee stammers, glancing between them. They both shrug, almost simultaneously. "You guys should spend the day together. I won't interfere. Just... try it. Try to be friends again."

[X]

_Thirteen years ago, Mai's parents are preparing her for her first day of school._

_"Princess Azula would be an excellent influence on you Mai," comes the voice of father. Her mother nods in affirmation._

_She would be an excellent influence on your political career. Mai nods, not an expression on her face, not a word to belie her loyalty to her parents. But every single playdate Mai has ever had has been to further the political career of her father. Often with terrible spoiled children who refused to do anything remotely fun. She does not think that Princess Azula will be any different._

_Young, seven, but astute. It is her first real year of education, and she has been accepted into an elite Fire Nation academy ─ the elite Fire Nation academy ─ and the princess happens to attend it. Mai has only been accepted through the fashion of bribery, which she is well aware of. She makes things cold, scientific, the exploration of the adult world from a bitter and detached mind of an already jaded child._

_And at lunch, Mai sits beside the girl she was instructed to sit by. Azula does not seem that bad at all. She has a nice voice and accepts Mai's halfhearted offer of friendship._

_"So, where are you from?" Azula asks, studying the alien girl closely. She has never had friends before. And everybody has been intimidated by the girl who is royalty. Even as little kids, the hierarchy of the Fire Nation is evident to each student._

_"Uh, around here, I guess," Mai says. "Where are you from?"_

_"Around here, I guess," Azula says, shrugging. She smirks faintly, the signature half-smile that Mai would eventually grow used to._

_"That was a stupid question, wasn't it?" Mai says, fighting the urge to cringe. Azula is captivated by how little Mai's face moves when she talks. That kind of blankness is nurture, not nature._

_"Yeah," Azula replies airily. They stare at each other for some time, wordlessly._

_"I... like your hair thing," Mai says, trying again to make friends. Her tutors gave her lessons in politeness, but they never taught her how to make a human bond. Little does she know, Azula is in the same predicament._

_"It's a crown," Azula says slowly and Mai swallows. So awkward. So awkward._

_She looks for something else to compliment, but the uniform is strict. They sit in silence again._

_"You have a brother?" Mai offers and Azula nods._

_"Mhm," she says, though there is something distasteful in her tone._

_"I'm an only child," Mai says uncomfortably._

_"You're lucky," Azula says and Mai hopes this is bonding. Is it bonding? She does not know. "I wish I were an only child."_

_"It's not as great as it sounds." Dad said not to correct the princess. The princess's word is literally law and now I've gone and.._

_"Maybe we could trade," Azula says, a small smirk. Mai is captivated by how devious her youthful smile is, and wonders if they are friends. Probably not already. Neither of them knows._

_"So, can you firebend?" Mai asks._

_"Yup. I'm good at it. They call me a prodigy." Her golden eyes sparkle. Mai thinks she did something right. She hopes she did something right._

_After school they walk together. Azula is whisked away by armed guards. She pauses, as she is being taken, and waves at Mai._

_Friend? Mai thinks they're friends. She does not really know. She just knows that the next day, Azula sits next to her in all of their classes. And the day after that. And the day after that._

_"So... do you want to come over to my house?" Azula asks one day after school. They stand in the hallway, clutching satchels. For eight year old children, they are overwhelmed by textbooks. The Fire Nation is rigorous in its education practices: the ages driven down by the need to send younger and younger kids to war, or to work in the booming war economy._

_"When?"_

_"Now."_

_"I... my parents... yeah... okay..." Stupid, stupid, stupid._

_And so Mai visits the palace for the first time. Azula shows her halfway around before they get bored and wind up in Azula's bedroom. Mai has always lived in the lap of luxury, but this is a new level of extravagant. The elaborate, gilded portraits, the rubies and ancient artifacts; they all mildly impress Mai. But Mai notices one thing missing, and is foolish enough to point it out._

_"Do you not have like endless toys?" Mai asks, glancing around. Her room is littered with things she gets bored of after two or three minutes. The maids wind up cleaning it up, and her parents threaten to take away all of Mai's toys, but she would not care it they did._

_"Not really." Azula shrugs. Weird. "I mostly am just supposed to practice bending and have politics lessons and do productive things. My father says that toys are distractions."_

_"That's... cool..." Why are you so awkward, Mai, why?_

_"Yeah." Azula is twice as awkward._

[X]

Thirteen years after Azula and Mai met, and five years after their friendship ended, they are now trying to fix what was broken. Azula does not mind it; she somewhat missed her best friend. And Mai knows that the fight was a bit petty after all of this time. Their years of friendship matter more than a couple attempted murders.

"I can't believe she's making us do this," Mai says, sitting down with Azula in the courtyard. "I will bet you everything I have that she is watching us and laughing."

"She probably is," Azula sighs, dipping her fingertips in the fountain. It feels cool and comfortable against her hot hands. "So, this baby..."

"Yeah."

"It's bulging," Azula says, examining the bump with judging eyes. She is not overjoyed at the idea of the next Fire Lord being born, although she knows she will never have the title.

"That happens when you're pregnant," Mai says and Azula does not know how to respond. "So which of you is going to have the kid? Because Ty Lee will demand that you two have a baby at some point mark my words."

"It would have to be me," Azula says firmly and Mai chokes. The princess's eyes flicker at Mai's outburst.

"You couldn't last five minutes pregnant," Mai says, smirking. "I just can't picture that."

"Well, the baby has to be royal," Azula says and Mai suddenly understands. She missed Azula's selfishness.

"Always thinking of the Fire Nation first, you," Mai says, crossing her arms. Azula rolls her eyes.

There is a long silence. It is oddly _comfortable_, as if nothing needs to be said. You know you like someone when you can simply shut up for a moment and enjoy the silence. Azula and Mai both make mental note of that as Mai squints at the sky and Azula plucks a blade of grass and starts peeling it apart with nimble fingers.

"Maybe we could make our kids fight each other. If they're firebenders," Azula says eagerly and Mai nearly falls in the fountain. "Well, of course my child would be a firebender. Yours..."

"You're crazy," Mai mutters, but she kind of likes Azula's brand of insanity. She is _funny_. And charming and a compulsive liar and selfish and spoilt. But the insane things she says, and her witty one liners and her wackjob drive to be perfect. It's oddly endearing.

"No, just imagine it. Two like, five year olds, having a sick Agni Kai," Azula says, spreading her hands in the air as if to conjure an invisible image. "Well, I mean, that is, if _your _kid is able to bend that early."

"Well, my baby will probably be eight or nine when yours is five, so if my kid bends like Zuko, our kids might be equally matched," Mai says, a smirk spreading on her expressionless lips. "Will your kid have purple flames?"

"What?" Azula looks puzzled.

"Pink, blue, purple. Oh, never mind." _Went right over her head._

"Well, actually, my fire is blue just because it's so hot," Azula explains and Mai looks confused. "What?"

"You've never given a straight answer about the blue fire before," Mai says, examining Azula closely. She picks her apart with her eyes, looking for the evil plan. And, somehow, she comes up short. "You've never given a straight answer about _anything _before."

"I'm trying out _honesty_. It's disturbing, I know," Azula says, splashing the water at Mai.

"Oh, great, now I'm wet," Mai mutters, drying her wrist on her clothes.

"That's why you married Zuko. Because you hate being wet," Azula taunts and Mai nearly pushes her into the fountain.

"Oh, shut up, princess." It is playful, almost as if the Boiling Rock never happened, almost as if Azula rejecting Mai's help after her descent into madness never happened.

Azula smiles.

[X]

_"You know what," Azula says shrilly on the first day of school, "I think that this as an institution is completely ridiculous."_

_They have just gotten out of the first half of classes in their second year at the Academy. And it was absolutely miserable. They already have lists of things to memorize._

_"You're smart, though," Mai groans as they walk towards the pavilion for lunch. "This is easy to you."_

_"But, you see, they only want us to learn this rote and rhetoric and it's ridiculous. If this school is the minds that will lead the nation, they should at least toss in some critical thinking skills and appeal to curiosity," Azula says, sitting down. She does not touch her food._

_"Well, how about, when you're Fire Lord, you reform education," Mai suggests and Azula shrugs. She pretends she does not care for Mai's insistence that Azula would be Fire Lord, but she actually genuinely likes it._

_"I was going to wipe out the Northern Water Tribe, but I guess I won't have very solid backup on the home front with this ludicrous curriculum," Azula says and Mai smiles slightly._

_"I thought you were going to burn down Ba Sing Se. Right to the ground." Mai has a sparkle in her eyes, and Azula's lips cannot help but curl._

_"Well now that's a lot for one girl to do, Mai," Azula says, smirking. "You expect me to take out the last of the waterbenders, burn down Ba Sing Se, and make school bearable for the youths of the Fire Nation?"_

_"I think we could add to the list," Mai says, picking up her lettuce wrap and staring at it. "How about you mandate that etiquette lessons are useless and etiquette instructors are rounded up and the practice of teaching young ladies manners is punishable by death."_

_"I'll get back to you on that," Azula says, laughing. "You can be my advisor. You will be my advisor."_

_"My parents will be most proud," Mai says. She is smiling now. "Look, that's our daughter, advisor to the Fire Lord. Ugh, I can hear their voices saying it."_

_"I'll banish your parents," Azula says, touching Mai's hand. "That's first on the list."_

_"Even before wiping out the North Pole?" Mai replies, surprised. She looks around at the schoolyard and is glad she chose the friend she did._

_"Mhm." They laugh._

[X]

Mai and Azula still sit in the courtyard, reminiscing and building a bridge over the gap between each other.

"Remember when you promised to banish my parents?" Mai asks, squinting in the sunlight. _Why did I have to be born in the complete _hottest _nation. The sheer level of sweat is disgusting._

"My banishing privileges were revoked. I'm sorry," Azula purrs, smirking and Mai sighs.

"No, I just... you weren't always a shitty friend, Azula."

"Well thank you." Azula rolls her eyes and dips her hand lower into the fountain. "I'm glad I wasn't _always _awful."

"Nah. I mean, you were my first friend. And you were always there for me." Mai feels completely ridiculous, baring her soul to the princess. But she supposes the words must flow from her lips eventually, even if Azula is bound to mock her, much less reciprocate.

"I suppose I could say the same about you." They are both stubborn and steely, but they must admit that their friendship lasted troubled times.

Azula is the one thing in Mai's life that was never boring. She made life interesting in one way or another.

"Ty Lee is right. We shouldn't be fighting like this. I mean, I was really going to kill you back in the Earth Kingdom," Mai says earnestly.

Azula shrugs again. "I was really going to kill you at the Broiling Rock."

"Okay, maybe we can't be friends like we used to be. But... let's agree never to try to kill each other again."

"I could live with that arrangement," Azula says, sounding oddly happy. Perhaps she missed her old friend more than she would like to admit. And Mai feels exactly the same way.

[X]

_Before Ozai's coronation, Mai feels incredibly smug. Azula told her far more than Mai's father will ever know._

_"Come on," says father, grabbing Mai's arm. She is dragged with him towards the ceremony, dressed in a hideous red frock that Mai cannot stand. "Your friend will be there. If we are late because of you, young lady─"_

_"Go easier on her. She doesn't get it," says mother, taking Mai's hand more gently. They are dragging her to the coronation of Fire Lord Ozai._

_Mai does get it. She is not stupid. She may be a kid, but she is not stupid. And she knows more about what goes on in the palace than her parents ever will. Everything Azula confides in Mai, Mai recalls, but would never share. Her parents would use it to claw their way ahead, and she would despise it._

_"Don't ask about General Iroh," father demands and Mai wants to shout at him. But she takes a deep breath and forces herself to nod._

I won't ask about him because I know that there are conspiracies and more is going on than you could ever know. I am more powerful than you two ever will be. The_ thoughts swirl through her head as she remains silent, attending the ceremony._

_Fire Lord Azulon is dead. An untimely death, if Mai were to believe her best friend. And she does._

_After the coronation, Mai lingers with Azula._

_"I'm not supposed to be with you," Mai murmurs as they lurk beneath a great column. The shadow looms over them. Azula shrugs._

_"I really don't care." She looks pleased._

_"Your mom... I'm sorry." Mai instantly feels like a moron. The look Azula gives is one that Mai has never received, but has seen Azula give to others._

_"It doesn't matter," Azula says, the honesty in her words disturbing. "I'm better off without her."_

_Mai struggles with her parents. They oppress and mistreat her ─ she recalls her mother putting make-up over bruises─ but she would never consider herself better off without them. Maybe Azula is just stronger than her._

_And Azula adds, "I guess you're one step closer to grand advisor to the Fire Lord."_

[X]

"Was I really going to be your grand advisor?" Mai asks as they walk to the dining room. A parade of servants is serving lunch. Some of the smells are absolutely nauseating. Fuck pregnancy.

"You could've been if you didn't go all crazy and switch sides on me. I would have definitely made you my grand advisor," Azula says, sitting down at the table.

"Seriously? I thought that was just an inside joke," Mai says, examining the food with great scrutiny.

"It was certainly not. I had you handpicked as grand advisor for the whole journey," Azula says forcefully, nothing teasing in her tone. Mai is surprised.

"Yeah, Zuko doesn't have one of those."

"Zuko didn't plan ahead." Smirk. Mai laughs.

"I'll bring that up with him. I could use that title," Mai says, touching one finger to her chin. Azula picks at food that she is not going to eat. "But I think I'd be a third wheel again to Fire Lord Azula."

"Grand advisor is like _second in command_," Azula says, the game ending and a serious conversation beginning. She pours herself a cup of lukewarm tea. For a moment, she contemplates shouting at whoever brewed it, but she decides against it.

"But no, see, in this perfect image, where Ty Lee and I let Zuko broil to death. Which would never happen, mind you. You get the Fire Nation, your father's love, the _girl_ and maybe Mai can be an advisor or something," Mai says and Azula has to admit she has a point. "I mean, at least in Zuko's dream I'm the girl he gets."

"Zuko never dreamt of being Fire Lord," Azula says, but she knows that it is not true. She would like to pretend the fantasy is exclusive to her, to make her defeat more of a mockery. But he always wanted to lead the nation.

"I guess we can be friends again."

"I guess we can. I missed you."

"I missed you too."

"Sort of."

"Kind of."

And so they are friends once more.

[X]

_After Zuko's banishment, Ty Lee and Azula look somewhere between mocking and genuinely compassionate. They both know that Mai was in a marriage contract with Zuko, which is now likely broken, but Mai does not care. In Azula's shadowy bedroom, Mai tries to pretend to care that her future husband is no longer her future husband._

_"Mai, it's gonna be okay!" comes Ty Lee's histrionically high pitched voice as she clings to her unwilling friend._

_"I really don't care, guys. He wasn't my boyfriend. It was just a crush." Mai still is trying to wrap her head around what Azula is telling her. The news spread quickly across the nation that the Fire Lord's son was exiled, but only Azula was there for what happened. She seems to take great pleasure in it._

_"You're better off without him, Mai," Azula says, leaning against her bedpost. Despite the princess's words, Ty Lee does not let go of Mai. "Ty Lee, go get us drinks."_

_"What kind of drinks?" Ty Lee asks, looking baffled._

_"Any kind. Just go." They have servants for that, but Ty Lee is not the brightest candle in the bunch. She prances out of the room. Azula watches her for a little too long, and Mai sees it in her eyes. The princess has a weakness, but Mai would never exploit it._

_The two friends are alone. Azula is toying with a single flame, tiny, red. It dances on her fingertip. Suddenly, it goes out, and Mai jumps, startled._

_Azula steps down from the bed and sits on the floor next to Mai, "And now you are much much closer to being the Fire Lord's grand advisor."_

_Smirk. Mai squirms._

[X]

Azula brushes her fingertips along her fiancée's cleavage, feeling her nipples harden. It is an exhilarating sensation of control. Ty Lee trembles slightly, Azula gradually tugging at her clothes, the fabric of which perfectly accentuates perfect breasts. The acrobat does not move; she simply lies there, letting Azula guide her to whatever will happen.

A kiss on her recently exposed navel as Azula discards the faded pink nightgown. She did not take off her make-up, and her lips are sticky with red paint. Ty Lee touches her neck, holding it for a moment. She throbs. Azula delves lower, Ty Lee's unmoving hand sliding up to her hair, and finally away from her head.

Moan. Motions of the tongue that conquered Ba Sing Se bring an orgasm. Ty Lee has taken over Azula when it is finished, when euphoria floods her body. She reciprocates with surprising force, and Azula lies there, half-undressed, with her naked fiancée.

The moon is in the sky, a summer longing on the wind. It is a beautiful night, and it was a nice day. Azula fears some of Ty Lee's optimism is rubbing off on her.

"How did it go with Mai?" Ty Lee asks, resting her head on Azula's shoulder.

"Surprisingly well," Azula says. "Neither of us are very _forgiving_. But I think we're friends again."

Azula's tone is cold and cavalier, but Ty Lee is certain that she is happier about it than she will let on. They lie there together, weary and intertwined, as Ty Lee fantasizes about the adventures of the Terrible Trio now that they are back together.

The next day, in the afternoon, Azula, Mai and Ty Lee sit in the living room. Azula's guards surround them, but they do not care. They drink tea and laugh.

They are talking happily, the inside jokes not jokes anymore; but stories that they retell, often with quite different versions. They don't talk about the bad times, only the amazing ones they spent together. And none of them felt sad about yesterday as long as they could postpone tomorrow with more nostalgia.

"Do you think it's going to be sad that all these are just going to be old stories someday? I mean, we're already getting terribly old," Ty Lee says, leaning against Azula.

"We're nineteen," Mai says with a small snort. "Relax."

"I don't think it's sad," Ty Lee continues. "I'm going to tell these stories to our little cousin children."

"You best leave out some of the details," Azula purrs with a small smirk.

They forget about her ordering them around. About failures or even the missions they were sent on. They simply remember every moment that was perfect. Every story that brings laughter that leaves even Mai incapable of breathing.

"The Terrible Trio is back in business," Mai says without intonation. Azula shrugs.

"I suppose we are. How did we even get that name?" Azula asks, tilting her head slightly to the side.

"We had to decide on a team name after Omashu. I suggested the Fire Nation Princess and her Fearsome Friends," Ty Lee says, recalling it as crystalline clear. Azula snickers. "But you guys said no. And then Mai suggested the Terrible Trio."

"I guess that's what happens when you send three fourteen year old girls on a quest to win an entire war," Azula purrs, picking at her fingernails as if she does not care. She _does_, though.

"We won that war so awesome," Ty Lee says blithely and Azula nods. Mai has to admit she is right.

"Here's to never throwing each other in prison again," Mai says, holding up one of the cups of tea.

They clink glasses.

That is a toast all of them can get behind.


	20. eyeliner

chapter twenty: eyeliner

* * *

_"Live your eyeliner, breathe your lipstick and kill for each other."  
\- Lady Gaga -_

* * *

"So, is everybody at the wedding going to be someone I hate?" Azula asks, looking at the guests Zuko is greeting.

She is perched atop a precarious windowsill, Mai and Ty Lee at her sides. The Avatar and his cronies have arrived in droves, along with a few people from Azula's speckled past, and what seems to be the entire cast of a circus. Not to mention the Kyoshi peasants. The sea of blue and green almost outweighs the red.

"You don't like many people, princess," Mai says with a small smirk.

"Shouldn't you be down there, Fire Lady?" Azula says, leaning further out of the window. Ty Lee grabs her waist, worried she is going to fall.

"It's your wedding. Maybe you should be greeting people," Mai retorts and Azula shrugs. "Instead of watching them creepily from our weird little perch."

"It's not _creepy_," Azula replies sharply, but Mai does have a point. The girl whose eyes are too big for her face is there. When Azula looks at her, she has the ghostly sensation of handcuffs on her wrists. Not to mention that the sexual tension between she and Zuko could be cut with a knife. It is utterly disgusting. "I can't believe the fucking Avatar is coming to my wedding."

"Most people would be thrilled by that," Ty Lee says, brightly, trying to put things into perspective. And, as usual with Azula, failing.

"Let's see, how about we count how many people standing out there voted to send me to prison. One, two, three, four, five, six─"

"Please stop," Mai interrupts and Azula reluctantly complies. "Look, you don't exactly have an expansive list of friends. And a royal wedding is kind of a big deal. Just roll with it."

"You two are my friends," Azula says, coming back in from the window. "Right? And when we have that girls night before the wedding there won't be any surprise guests with us?"

"Don't worry so much, princess," Ty Lee says, kissing Azula's cheek.

[X]

"Does no one listen to me?" Azula crosses her arms, standing at the door of the bar. It is an upscale place that Mai rented out the entire top floor of as a gesture of goodwill. But Azula is not pleased at the surprise, seeing as two other women are upstairs waiting for she and her childhood friends. "What is the _one _thing I asked for? No surprises. I _hate _surprises."

"It's on Ty Lee," Mai says, shrugging. "Hey."

Ty Lee has to push Azula towards the table in the center of the room. Music is playing downstairs by a live band, people are drinking, all in fancy ruby outfits. And upstairs is occupied by ten heavily armed Fire Nation elite soldiers, eyes on Azula, one noble, one Fire Lady, one princess and two water peasants.

"I invited Suki! Just Suki," Ty Lee says into Azula's ear as she forces her fiancée into a chair.

"Hello, fan girl and eyes-too-big-for-her-face," Azula says bitterly, smirking.

Katara scowls. Suki waves, offering a smile as a peace offering.

"I invited Katara," Suki explains and Azula chews on the inside of her lip. Restraint. Restraint. Restraint.

Mai wants to slap Suki. Of all of the people she could invite, _Katara_? Azula's adversary who defeated her during Sozin's Comet. _Are you kidding me?_

"I didn't want to come," Katara adds. "But Suki said it would be awkward just her with three friends who've known each other for life. I'm only here to make things less awkward for Suki."

"I think you actually made things much more awkward, eyes-too-big-for-her-face," Azula says coldly as waiters pass out paper menus of drinks. Azula has to fight the urge to set hers on fire.

"My _name _is Katara. Not peasant. Not waterbender. Not _eyes-too-big-for-her-face_. My eyes are a normal size," Katara snaps and Suki grabs her arm.

"I really wish I could drink," Mai whispers to herself. She imagined this would be a moderately pleasant night, but, unfortunately, Ty Lee had some surprises up her sleeve.

"I'm not going to be able to remember your name," Azula says airily and Ty Lee cringes.

"Ka. Tar. A."

"Um─ so, it's hot out!" Suki blurts out, nudging Katara.

"Yeah, it is," Ty Lee says, nodding too vigorously.

[X]

_Eight years ago, Azula sleeps over at Mai's house._

_"Mai," Azula demands, passing Mai a textbook and piece of parchment, "do Ty Lee's homework."_

_They are in Mai's bedroom. It is fluffy, light red and pink, and decorated with paintings and mirrors that Mai would never choose for herself. The only fixture of the room that is Mai's decision, and not her parents' desire for a perfectly ordinary daughter, is the shelf of recreational literature. It is mostly disguised by expensive monogrammed scarves that hang from a shelf of baubles and retired toys._

_"Why?" Mai asks, looking at the sheet of paper. "I already have to do my own and I failed that test. My parents are so pissed, princess. My parents actually know what's going on in my life."_

_It is just the two of them, which is unusual. Mai tends to be the third wheel in Azula and Ty Lee's escapades. Besides, Mai has mandated time to play with her friends by her overbearing parents. Ty Lee's disappearance probably would not be noticed for days and Azula does as she pleases._

_"She asked me to do it and I don't have the time." Azula is picking at her nails as Mai reads aloud passages to study with. At least, they are supposed to be studying. Mai's parents are convinced that Azula is a good influence. As if._

_"Do I have to do it correctly?" Mai asks, glancing at the assignment. A series of questions about basic Fire Nation history ─ a review for the final examination._

_Half of Azula's mouth curls. Mai gets as excited as Mai can._

_"Not necessarily. I mean, she didn't say she wanted the right answers," Azula says, sliding onto her knees. She picks up the questions. "Okay..."_

[X]

In the bar, Mai is laughing and trying to conjure nostalgia. Azula appreciates how out of sorts Katara and Suki look, and she takes great pleasure in their pain. Ty Lee keeps stroking her knee and it is proving distracting to the princess.

"I'm never going to forget the day that Azula and I totally screwed up your most important assignment for history class in our last year of school," Mai says, examining her tea with distaste. The other girls have liquor, Katara's, surprisingly, the strongest.

Ty Lee frowns. "My parents were so mad at me."

"You probably should've checked it first," Mai says. "I mean, it asked which Fire Lord started the war and the answer was Fire Lord Azula."

"And the question about the first Fire Nation colonies was that they were," Azula says, choking slightly on her drink, "they were started by dragons."

"You guys still remember the wrong answers you gave on homework when you were kids?" Suki asks, looking puzzled.

"It was hilarious," Azula says, smirking. "I don't remember all of them. It was a lengthy assignment. Just the one about the dragons."

"Because the instructor gave a lecture about it!" Ty Lee exclaims, tugging at her hair. She finds it difficult now that she wears a more adult braided bun instead of the easy, out of the way, and quick to pull on braid she wore for years. "It was humiliating."

"She didn't point out your name," Mai says and Ty Lee shrinks in her chair.

"It was just heavily implied," Azula corrects, smirking.

"You guys are why I can't trust people," Ty Lee says, finishing her drink in one gulp. Suki laughs. Katara finishes her second drink, looking beyond uncomfortable.

Katara did not decide to come on this girl's night of her own desire. Suki planned it, as well as purchasing a surprise gift for Ty Lee and Azula. And then she decided that it would be _too awkward _to spend the night with three people who would spend the time making inside jokes. Therefore, she asked Katara, and Katara found it difficult to say no.

"Do water peasants have school?" Azula asks, feebly trying to involve Suki and Katara in the conversation. Ty Lee cringes and Mai snickers, rolling her eyes.

"Actually, yes," Katara says, crossing her arms. Azula takes another sip of her drink.

"What's it like?" Azula asks earnestly.

Suki replies, "They learn to hunt arctic seals and tie knots."

The three Fire Nation girls nod with blank expressions, Azula's lips pursed and Ty Lee's cheeks suddenly pink. Suki smiles as Katara turns red. It is so easy to make the sheltered citizens of the Fire Nation believe the absolute worst about the other parts of the world.

"We don't actually. Suki's just being a bitch," Katara says, frowning. Suki shrugs, smiling.

"So, um," Suki says, trying to redirect the conversation, "how long have you two been together? If you were together that is? I mean, I kind of got that vibe when you attacked us and sent us to prison. But Ty Lee never said anything about it until you showed up on my island and proposed to her."

"We've been kind of... I don't know..." Ty Lee scratches her head. "It's an off and on again kind of thing."

"I'll tell the story of their relationship," Mai says, touching her tea. It is already cold after ten minutes. "Ty Lee had a crush on Azula, which I thought was ridiculous. That didn't exactly develop as kids. Then when we were on our little quest for Zuko, they started having this weird relationship where Azula was leading Ty Lee on and Ty Lee was pretending it wasn't happening. Ty Lee told me all the details while we were in prison ─ it was incredibly boring ─ and at some point they started having sex. And that's the story of my two best friends having weird sexual tension that turned into sex, that turned into something weird, and then Azula proposed to Ty Lee and it was weird for everyone involved."

"You started sleeping together during the war?" Suki asks, immediately knowing she will regret the question. Well, what's a pre-wedding girl's night without talk of sex?

"Our first time was after the Invasion." Azula turns to the guests. "The _failed _Invasion."

Mai sets down her drink so hard that the cup cracks. Tea sloshes over her. _Great, now I'm wet. _"Wait, so when my boyfriend broke up with me and I was totally miserable, you guys were having sex? You are _terrible _friends. Ty Lee told me you guys fucked and that you freaked out and told her she almost ruined your chance of being Fire Lord, but she didn't say you were doing that _while I was depressed and needed my friends_."

"Sorry, Mai," Ty Lee says, rubbing her arm. Mai sighs.

Silence. Azula says, "So when did you first have sex with Zuko?"

"That's a terrible question," Mai snaps, glaring. _This is going downhill fast._

"I wasn't talking to you," Azula says, a wicked gleam in her eyes. She gestures to Katara, sharp fingernails glinting in the dim light of the bar.

Katara's jaw drops. She sets her hand over her glass of booze and lifts it up, turning it to icy claws of liquor on her fingertips. Suki pushes Katara's hand down and the ice shatters. The Kyoshi Warrior murmurs an apology, but it goes unheard.

"I have not had _sex _with Zuko!" Katara snaps, shaking off Suki. "That's disgusting. You're disgusting."

"Awfully defensive, aren't you?" Azula taunts and Katara bites down on her lip voraciously.

"Azula, leave her alone," Ty Lee says and Azula swallows. The princess leans back and mutters a halfhearted apology.

"And suddenly Azula listens to Ty Lee. It's unnerving isn't it?" Mai comments, gesturing. Katara is still seething as Suki blushes and fills her mouth with alcohol to keep from having to explain her mistake of bringing Katara to the night out.

"So, uh, we got you guys a gift," Suki says, rummaging under the table. She has three gift boxes made from ornately carved wood. They smell like clothing and polish. "Well, three gifts."

"Are we going to open this in front of all of these soldiers?" Katara, says, narrowing her eyes at the guard. Azula nods, seeming annoyed.

"They're here to make sure I don't murder you," Azula purrs, a slight note of threat in her sugary tone. Ty Lee makes a baby animal face, as some kind of defense mechanism.

"So, here you go," Suki says, swallowing. She opens the first box. "This is for Ty Lee to wear on your wedding night." It's lingerie. Azula feels marginally uncomfortable, and Mai is laughing. At least it was purchased in the Fire Nation; it looks pricey too. "And for Azula to wear on your wedding night." Black silk. Not bad. Suki opens the final box. It's empty. "And this is what you're actually going to wear on your wedding night."

Ty Lee laughs hysterically. Azula simply says, "Thank you," with a fluttering heart, and shuts all of the boxes. Katara chortles slightly, and Azula thinks she is just getting tipsy, and not actually finding this funny. At least they are on a private floor.

Suki makes conversation about the state of Kyoshi Island, which Ty Lee is incredibly interested in. Azula and Mai start making fun of the various Fire Nation nobles who have been invited to the wedding, focused on each other. Katara glances between the groups and finally stares at the bottom of her glass. She wishes she were not here.

"Do you remember when you got your first period and you thought you were dying?" Mai says as the other girls are on their sixth round. Katara looks at Azula and starts laughing. Suki snorts and Ty Lee bites her lip. Azula's eyes flash.

"I'm sorry that my mom abandoned me," Azula slurs, setting her elbow on the table. "Stop guffawing, peasant."

"She should've left you like a series of letters that explained those things," Ty Lee says, balancing her empty glass on her head. "That would be smart. If I ever abandon our kids I'll do that."

"My mom never told me about those things either," Katara says, a drunken compassion in her tone. "I mean, she died in a Fire Nation raid. But I had my gran-gran. I don't know what I would've done without a woman to tell me those things."

"It was super taboo in my house. Like everything," Mai says, fixated on Ty Lee's balancing act as she puts another glass atop her head. "My mom and I never talked about anything."

Ty Lee puts another glass on her head as she says, "My mom was always busy. Or pregnant."

"So, Mai, what are you naming your baby?" Suki slurs as the conversation veers into depressing. Ty Lee sets another glass on her head.

"Probably Iroh, or if it's a girl, Izumi."

"Woah woah woah," Azula says, holding up one hand. "You promised to name your firstborn Azula."

"Changed my mind," Mai says, raising an eyebrow. Katara laughs. "That is definitely not happening."

Ty Lee outstretches one arm and starts setting glasses on it. Mai stares as Azula tirades about something insignificant.

"You know, you guys aren't actually that bad," Katara says and Ty Lee drops all of the glasses in a loud clatter. The girls at the table and the guards surrounding the room jump simultaneously. "When you were trying to kill us I really hated you, but now I think you're okay."

"You've had too many drinks," Mai murmurs, but no one hears her.

"Wait, this is the bar that you talked us into when we were fourteen," Mai says, wondering why she did not realize it before. "Where we first tried alcohol."

Azula and Ty Lee look around, and then start laughing. Katara joins in, though she is clueless. Suki is staring at one of the guards, eyeing him suspiciously. He looks frightened by the gaze of the young woman.

"It is," Ty Lee declares blithely.

"I know. I'm amazing," Azula purrs. "We snuck into a bar. Did you ever do that?"

"No, I was too busy trying to save the world in my formative years," Katara says and Azula shrugs. "We didn't have time to try out alcohol."

"Your life sounds really boring. Grow up in a block of ice, train super hard to defeat the Father Lord," Azula says and Ty Lee starts laughing, Mai snickering and Katara cackling. "What? What did I say? I wasn't even to the mocking punchline yet!"

"It's nothing," Mai murmurs, blushing.

"You just... never mind." Katara wipes her eyes, bending the water and tossing it over her shoulder. It hits the mask of one of the guards.

"What? Tell me what I said? I am so wasted; tell me what I said," Azula demands, her fingers on fire.

"Father Lord," Ty Lee squeaks. She can barely breathe from laughter.

"You know what I meant," Azula says haughtily, eyeing the bottom of her glass.

"Is it true you burned his face?" Katara asks and Azula smashes the glass on the floor. Katara gulps. _Oop_s. "That was offensive, wasn't it?"

"Yes. Yes I did," Azula replies and Katara is silent.

"So, uh, you know, I really admire Fire Nation eyeliner," Suki says, again, trying to make things less awkward. Ty Lee, again, nods vigorously, trying to nudge the others along with it. "I don't know how you make it so _bold_."

"We were baffled by Earth Kingdom eyeliner," Mai says, smirking. She recalls she and her friends trying to do the Kyoshi Warrior make-up and Azula frantically looking for what part of the brush she was supposed to light on fire. "It took us twenty minutes to figure out that we needed to buy a brush."

"How do you put it on without a brush?" Katara asks, leaning in close. Her breath smells like a distillery and Mai fights baby-incited nausea.

"You light it on fire," Ty Lee says, as if it is just common knowledge.

"You're screwing with us," Suki grumbles, pushing on the table and nearly falling over.

"No, no, I'll show you." Azula reaches into her bag and withdraws a thick black stick that looks like charcoal. Katara squints at it and Suki eyes it skeptically. Azula lights two fingers and sets the stick ablaze. Katara thinks momentarily about gathering the alcohol to defend herself, before quickly realizing that it would just make the fire stronger. Suki waits with bated breath as the stick begins to drip, and Azula blows it out. "Okay, someone give me their face."

Silence. "I guess I'll have to trust you, Azula," Suki says reluctantly, leaning over the table and closing her eyes.

"Famous last words," Mai mutters, amused.

And Azula applies the eyeliner to Suki with two quick sweeps of her hand. The Kyoshi Warrior slides back. Ty Lee pulls a compact mirror from what Katara could swear was thin air ─ or perhaps she is just wasted ─ and holds it up to Suki.

"See, _bold_." She looks impressed. "That's actually more efficient."

"It's less efficient when you have to carry matches in your make-up bag," Ty Lee says with a shrug.

And so, the divisions between the elements break over a mutual love of eyeliner.

The night comes to a close with an unsurprising amount of awkwardness. Suki bringing Katara was the worst of all possible situations, but, somehow, Azula made it through the night without trying to burn something down. Mai has to support her two staggering friends as they are taken back to the palace, and Suki and Katara disappear.

Azula nearly bumps into a man and when Mai catches here, Azula's fist collides with her face.

"I punched Mai!" she exclaims in the street and people turn to stare. Mai groans at how terrible this publicity is for the Fire Nation royal family. "I'm sorry, Mai, I punched your face!"

Finally, they make it to the palace, with Azula stumbling through the streets and Ty Lee laughing about people and remarking on their features with a wickedly mocking glee. Mai just tries to do damage control.

"Let's _never _do that again," Azula mutters as Mai helps her into her bed. She sits down beside her only two friends, examining them closely. So much has torn them apart, and so little keeps them together, but somehow, here she is, friends with Azula and Ty Lee again. "I can't believe she brought that girl whose eyes are too big for her face. I just wanted to," and Azula slides to the side, sending a blast of flame across the room. It licks the window and dissipates.

"It was a pretty terrible idea," Mai says, snorting. "You have to admit it wasn't all bad."

Azula makes a strange face. She is completely blasted and Mai finds it incredibly amusing. "I guess not. Maybe not _all _bad. Just pretty bad."

"Ty Lee, I'm sorry I said that Azula would never get with you," Mai says, smirking. Azula narrows her eyes, trying to wrap her head around the comment and failing.

"It made sense. I mean, we were in prison," Ty Lee says, waving her hand dismissively and smacking herself in the face with it. "I'm just glad she didn't execute us."

"I told my father _not _to execute you guys," Azula slurs, holding Ty Lee's hand. Their palms are both excessively sweaty, but they do not notice.

"That's actually one of the nicest things you've ever done for us," Mai says, smirking faintly. Azula rolls her eyes. "Ty Lee told me a good deal of things when you had us locked up in prison. Before she made other friends."

"You guys were talking about me behind my back?" Azula slurs, looking disappointed.

"Ty Lee was so miserable when you locked us up. It was then that I realized that you guys were totally and irrevocably in love," Mai says in a mocking tone. Azula closes her eyes.

Ty Lee says, "We were though. We completely were."

"Yup..." Azula trails off. "Not that I was going to admit it. I mean, can you imagine _me _in love with _Ty Lee_?"

Ty Lee scoffs. "You totally were!"

"You grew on me," Azula breathes and Mai shakes her head slowly.

They stay up for a while, Mai talking to her incoherent friends and fighting the urge to laugh at them.

Tonight wasn't all bad.

In fact, it was not bad at all.

Mai would do it again. She missed them; she never thought she would say so, but she missed being friends with Azula and Ty Lee. Even though they keep sucking on each other's faces these days.

Well, it beats being shot at with lightning.

[X]

"Happy day before our wedding!" is what Azula wakes up to.

She rubs her eyes. It is the day after her first hangover, and she actually slept quite well. She imagined she would be more intimidated by the rapidly approaching wedding, but perhaps she truly has transcended beyond feeling fear. Sometimes it's nice to have no feelings; well, _always _it's nice to have no feelings.

"Is it that soon?" Azula murmurs, sitting up in bed.

"I'm so excited! I have to get straight to preparing! Ah! You have to break in your shoes. Hurry up, hurry up!" Ty Lee exclaims seizing Azula by the hand.

Azula remembers when Ty Lee used to declare good morning before doing elaborate stretches and Mai would sometimes throw things at her. Azula would already be awake at sunrise, plotting their next move in the race to capture both Zuko and the Avatar, but Mai would be slumbering. But Ty Lee wanted the entire world to know that it was morning, and she was in a good mood.

"Get dressed! Shoes!" Ty Lee exclaims, rummaging through the armoire and finding herself clothes. Azula slowly dresses herself and does her hair and make-up, Ty Lee bouncing around as if she has had four too many cups of strong green tea.

An hour later, Azula is breaking in the shoes Ty Lee purchased.

"These shoes are ridiculous," Azula purrs, walking around in circles. They are bright red and satiny, heeled, and pointed downward instead of upward. They baffle Azula. _Why don't the tips point_ up_?_ "Are they from the Earth Kingdom or something?"

"Actually, yes," Ty Lee says, watching Azula break in her shoes. "I had them reupholstered."

"You... have put a good deal of thought into this." Azula starts walking in a zig-zag. "I can't _bend _in these shoes."

"They're for one day. One day where you are _not _going to bend. Not to mention you have your hands and your mouth. I think you can go a day without shooting fire out of your ankles and toes," Ty Lee says, crossing her arms. She seems incredibly firm about the matter.

"You mean I'm not permitted to start any fights for an entire day?" Azula says, stopping. She glares at the shoes. They are tight and heeled and not malleable at all.

"I would appreciate it if you didn't try to kill our guests," Ty Lee says, smiling. Azula fakes disappointment.

"Well, that just ruins my entire plan," Azula says airily, smirking. "So tell me your scheme for this wedding? I'm painfully out of the loop."

"Okay, in the morning, we're having breakfast with my siblings, and your sibling, and Mai. I was going to invite my mother but then I would have to invite your mother and that could only end terribly. Then I will be doing a reception for guests with Zuko while Mai and you, um, do whatever you guys do. Sigh and complain together or something. Then we both get ready separately. I've set aside a few hours for that. _Then_, the ceremony. And afterwards, a reception. Our wedding night. That's exciting. And, finally, in the morning, we leave for Ember Island."

"What was that part about Mai and I just pretending we don't exist?" Azula asks, stopping her walk.

"I thought it would be best if you two stayed away from the guests and such," Ty Lee says, offering a smile as a show of good faith. Azula starts walking again with a small shrug.

"That's reasonable," Azula remarks honestly. "Can I take these off now?"

"I can't stop you. But if you fall and die at our wedding, it's not my fault," Ty Lee says and Azula kicks off the shoes, both of them smashing into the wall. Ty Lee cringes.

"Those were pricey, princess."

Azula walks across the room and collects the shoes. She holds them up, revealing them to be unscathed.

"They retain their full value, _princess_," Azula says, her eyes sparkling with that familiar wicked gleam that Ty Lee fell in love with.

"Don't call me princess, princess. It's too confusing," Ty Lee says and Azula shrugs. She sets the shoes down on the sofa.

"People are going to call you princess."

"It will be _so _confusing. You're princess. I'm... Ty Lee."

"Well, I mean, obviously Princess Azula has more of a ring to it. But you're becoming a princess in four days. You'll have to live with the title." Azula sits down beside her fiancée. "Now, if Mai and Zuko's pasty little child is a girl, it will also be princess."

Ty Lee's eyes widen. "That's _three _princesses. I can barely handle one. I hope we have a daughter."

"Little early for that," Azula says, swallowing. She does not want to think of being pregnant, what with Mai's baby bump and consistent whining about how awful it is. She also does not want to think about having sex with a _man_ to get pregnant.

"What am I supposed to call you if I don't address you as princess?" Ty Lee asks and Azula contemplates it for a moment.

"I _suppose_, considering the circumstances, Azula would be fine," she replies, smirking. Ty Lee rolls her eyes. She _does _realize that she has never been on an entirely first name basis with Princess Azula, in fact, she always thinks _princess _before _Azula_.

"Okay, princess." Pause. "Ugh, _spirits_!"

Azula smirks.

[X]

A/N: The next two chapters cover the wedding, then after that we get into some serious plot and the story starts really taking off. I know these chapters feel completely without plot, but after the wedding I promise there is drama galore. It is less meaningless fluff and more drama and darkness and angst and complex romance.


	21. jitters

chapter twenty-one: jitters

* * *

_I surrender who I've been_  
_To who you are_  
_Nothing makes me stronger than_  
_Your fragile heart_  
_"Turning Page" - Sleeping At Last_

* * *

Azula has finished breaking in her shoes, and Ty Lee is still babbling, wrought with confusion about multiple princesses. They pass the throne room just as a messenger is leaving. Azula briefly recalls the messenger who informed her father of Zuko and Uncle having a beach vacation after the failure at the North Pole; he murdered the man. Azula could smell charred flesh through the door she was pressed against, eavesdropping.

Mai stops and turns to them.

"You guys are going to have to dance at your wedding. You realize that, don't you?" Mai says, looking at her two friends. They are holding hands and whispering to each other as Mai leaves the throne room. Zuko walks away from her with a certain quickness in his step.

"What suddenly makes you bring that up?" Azula asks, pulling slightly away from Ty Lee.

"I was just thinking about it. Have you ever danced, Azula?" Mai asks, her lips twitching slightly. She leans against the wall, which is surprisingly cold in the heat of the Fire Nation summer.

Azula chews on the inside of her lip. "No, I don't think I have."

"I'm bored. I think we should do a little dance practice," Mai says a slight sadistic gleam in her eyes and Ty Lee nods her head eagerly. Azula sighs.

"Let's go! Let's go! Let's go!" Ty Lee cheers, tugging on Azula's arms. Mai looks sickeningly pleased with herself.

"I'm coming," Azula mutters as she is dragged into the entrance hall of the palace. It is wide, stone and ornately decorated. There is ample room to dance.

They stand together as Mai sits down on the steps. She watches, a slight, amused smirk lingering on her pallid lips. Azula takes a deep breath and faces Ty Lee.

"I have no idea how to dance. I hope you know that," she says, but she is seized by the acrobat.

"Okay, just move your feet, and hold like ─ like _this _─ and we'll just spin for a while ─ no, no, like _that_," Ty Lee says, adjusting a limp Azula. They start moving in a circle, Azula stumbling over her feet.

"Who taught you this?" Azula asks as she is swirled in a circle. She suddenly and vividly recalls her nightmare of she and Ty Lee dancing on glass and fire. Her stomach twists.

_"Why did you drop me?"_

_I would never choose the throne over you. I couldn't._

_Could I? Could I? Agni, could I?_

Azula falls and Ty Lee catches her.

"You have to pay attention, princess," Ty Lee chides, smiling faintly. Azula snaps back to reality.

And so they dance, for hours. She is grateful for it. The more the day goes on, the more foreboding arises within her. It is as if she does not want to get married; but she _knows _that it is what she wants at the same time. All day she hears a voice in her head that tells her this is the wrong move, that it is against what she was bred to be. It is her father's voice, dug into her as if forced into her mind and unable to be removed.

_This is not who you were meant to be._

Azula pursues perfection, lost in learning a new skill, as Mai occasionally yawns. Ty Lee vaults Azula over her shoulder and Azula slides between her legs, popping up as if atop of air and resuming the dance.

"Woah," comes Mai's voice. "And I was about to fall asleep. Do that again."

They do. The dancing suddenly becomes less of a spinning, swirling soiree and becomes a feat of battle, moves of both bending and acrobatics melded into a rapid movement.

"Okay, damn, guys, that was impressive." Mai's eyes are wide. "Do that. That is your wedding dance. i declare it as Fire Lady."

"Don't tell us what to do," Azula mutters to herself before smiling at Mai. She wipes sweat from her brow as Ty Lee catches her breath. "It _was _pretty impressive."

[X]

_Five years ago, Azula and Ty Lee are alone together._

_"Do you ever dance?" Ty Lee asks as they sit in Azula's bedroom. Mai has slinked off with Zuko, and they are alone together yet again._

_"No. It's not really my speed," Azula says, shrugging._

_I could be perfect for you, blossoms in her mind. She wants to scream, "Mai, get the fuck in here," but she knows it would show her true intentions. The way her heart palpitates around Ty Lee. The strangeness of the voyage back from Ba Sing Se. When Ty Lee called her out for leading her on, yet quickly reverted to a subservient and overly friendly companion. Things are... jumbled._

_"I know it's not like Fire Nation noble sort of thing. Except at weddings."_

_"I'm never marrying," Azula says sharply. Because I like girls. And I don't compromise. And I'm just not marriage material. Do I want to get married?_

_Her thoughts start swirling. They always do when someone mentions marriage because it has always perturbed her since her mother got herself killed. But the plots and anxieties are interrupted by a finger going into her forehead. Gently, but it makes Azula jump._

_"Don't do that," Azula snaps._

_"You got all daze-y. I'm getting married as soon as possible," Ty Lee says, leaning against the bed. Her head touches Azula's toes. Her soft brunette hair tickles in a way that makes Azula want to burn down a building. "It will be absolutely magnificent. But I mean, you're going to be Fire Lord. You're going to have to find some nice young man to keep you warm and, y'know, to keep up appearances. Pop out a crown prince."_

_Azula is sweating. Is it hot out? She doesn't know. She grits her teeth. Smooth. Don't show it._

_"I suppose I would have to," Azula says, shrugging. "Or perhaps just a one night stand. Don't have to marry someone to have sex with them."_

_Ty Lee looks disappointed. "So, no royal wedding?"_

_"You have Mai and Zuko's to look forward to." Awkwardness evaded again, princess. Well done. Azula suppresses a smile of relief._

_"I think they're cute together."_

_"I think it's repulsive. Love is for pretty people."_

_"Like us." Pause. Ty Lee blushes, realizing the implications of her words. "Uh, or not? Not love, just attraction or... just not, of course."_

_"Of course," Azula purrs._

[X]

"You're giving a speech at my wedding," comes a voice behind Zuko at three in the morning and he nearly falls out of his chair. Azula snickers.

"You can't just sneak up behind people like that," Zuko says, rubbing his back. "I still have nightmares about you showing up out of nowhere trying to kill me."

"That actually makes me pretty happy," Azula replies, sitting down across from him.

They are in the empty dining room in the dead of the night. Zuko is poring over papers and letters with two candles illuminated, his eyes narrowed on the smudged characters.

"I already knew that. Your wedding that starts in fourteen hours...?" Zuko is pretty certain she just wants to make an excuse to talk to him. Her hands are shaking. "Shouldn't you be getting beauty sleep or something?"

"Probably." Azula shrugs. "So, what are you up to?"

"Confidential Fire Nation things," Zuko says, drawing the papers closer to himself. His sister simply looks amused. She reaches with surprising speed and seizes the papers. She takes a moment to read them as Zuko simply sits there, rubbing his eyes.

"Yes, I'm now going to overthrow the country with these agricultural reports. You had a nightmare, huh?" Azula purrs, enjoying Zuko's frustration and embarrassment.

"Are you just bored?"

"You can't sleep. Insomnia runs in the family," Azula says, lighting two more candles. They look strange illuminated by the dancing lights in the early hours of the morning.

"Obviously you can't either. Do you not want to do this?" Zuko asks, examining her closely.

"I do. I'm... hmph." She shrugs again. So close to letting words slip out she would regret. Zuko wonders if he should ask further, but decides against it.

"So what was the nightmare about?" Zuko inquires, sounding smug. Azula purses her lips, weighing odds.

"You first, Fire Lord Zuko," she says, looking him up and down. He averts his eyes to avoid making contact with her scrutinizing gaze.

"Nothing that exciting. Just the usual one where everything I love burns to death." Silence. Azula looks about to back out of the quid pro quo and Zuko is glad he did not divulge many details.

"I suppose it's my turn then," Azula says cautiously. This feels like more of a stand-off than a conversation between siblings. "I've been having this recurring dream where I'm dancing with Ty Lee and we're on top of glass and fire comes at us and I'm blocking it and trying to keep her off of the glass. She tells me to drop her and I do. Then I'm alone in the throne room. It's blue. But all I can hear is her voice begging me to tell her why I dropped her, as if I imagined that she asked me to." Her words are very slow. Zuko feels his blood turn to ice at her vacant expression as she recites it.

He did not expect her to tell him. She looks strange; open. He wonders if he can get her to confide things in him that she normally would not. Zuko was never a negotiator like her, but right now she is in a moment of weakness, and he feels the necessity to try to push her in the right direction.

"Stepping onto the altar is stepping away from the throne," Zuko says, testing the waters of his sister's momentary honesty. Azula turns out one of the candles. He flinches as she does.

"It is. Doing this goes against everything I was taught. From the moment I was born I knew I was a replacement for a child who was still alive. I... expected things. It was supposed to be my destiny to take the throne, and I just keeping screwing myself at every turn," Azula says, startled that she would tell her brother any of this. But it is late, she is tired, and he is the only person who could ever fathom what she feels. Maybe it looks weak. Zuko has felt the tendrils of father... he knows the affliction of nightmares each night and the sensation of betrayal in your gut.

Zuko _accomplished _this. He was able to rewrite everything. And now Azula's cold feet make her envious of Zuko. The _only _reason she does not want to get married in fourteen hours is because it goes against all she knows that she is. But Zuko somehow did that. He somehow just shrugged off everything that was hammered into him. He took already shaped steel and remolded it.

Maybe Azula is just too fucked up to do it. Or too clever. She doesn't know.

Abandoning all dignity, she says, "I have cold feet. I just hear our father telling me not to in my head. I come to you... because you somehow ignore that voice and do the opposite. Just tell me how so I can go through with this. And don't _fucking tell anyone _I asked for your help."

"It's not easy. But you'll spit on my advice." Pause. She has to admit he is right. "I'm curious though, if you had the chance to usurp me, would you take it?" Zuko asks and Azula thinks to tell him about the resistance reaching out to her. But she promptly decides against it. She may still use them in the future.

She _wants _to change. Looking at Zuko, requesting him to tell her how to make it easy, she thinks maybe she has reformed. That love has freed her from the shadows. But she would being lying to herself if she didn't look at him and envision herself striking him down and taking what is rightfully hers.

"Of course I would. I still fantasize about it before I remember that the odds aren't really in my favor." Silence. Azula lights the candle again, and rests her hand above it. It turns blue. She contorts the fire into different shapes. Serpent, star, woman made of flames... "I remember being handcuffed to a grate, and all I could think was that that I was having an unlucky streak. That maybe my luck had run out." She turns out two candles without touching them, obscuring her in darkness. "I was supposed to be born lucky; you were lucky to be born."

"Do you still feel that way?" Zuko asks, looking at Azula's faceless shadow.

"Sometimes. I used to blame luck. Fate. Thought it had screwed me over. But, you want to know the truth?"

"What?" Zuko feels pangs of remorse for what he did to her. But he is more interested in how she justified it to herself.

"It wasn't about good or bad luck. The game was rigged from the start."

[X]

_A few months into her imprisonment at the Boiling Rock, Azula is unconscious. She was knocked out before they loosened her arms from the bonds and pulled the gag out of her mouth. But barely, her eyes flicker open. She swallows the forced water, contemplates killing, but finds herself far too weak._

_The supernova is a dying star._

_"The Fire Lord is getting married today," comes the voice of the man holding down her wrists._

_And Azula closes her eyes. Behind them, she sees the vision of herself breathing blue fire in their faces and pulling off a wild escape. But the images quickly fade into that of Zuko and Mai being blissfully wed as she hangs, destitute, from the ceiling of a prison cell._

_"Well," Azula rasps as they are hooking her into handcuffs, "tell him congratulations for me."_

_The sour tasting metal gag is forced into her mouth._

_The next day ─ or at least, she thinks it's the next day ─ she is again carefully handled by experienced and rough hands._

_"How did the wedding go?" Azula asks snidely, her voice slurred with sedatives. She is lying on a bed, her arms tied to it. The mattress is bruising her back. Her body... tortured, tormented, broken. She tries to summon the energy to bend, but her movements are too weak._

_"Swimmingly. Or so I heard," the guard says, touching a glass to her lips. Azula does not drink it._

_"Well, I'm glad he's happy," she murmurs venomously, sarcasm and resentment seething in her words as she struggles to breathe._

_Silence._

[X]

Mai has just returned from babysitting Azula as Ty Lee greeted guests. The princess fell asleep halfway through, shocking Mai, although she did have purple circles under her eyes, and Mai slinked off to try to finish the job she put off until four hours before the main event.

And, unsurprisingly, Zuko is in the same boat.

They are trying to write their requested wedding speeches for the reception. Time is speeding by as they stare at blank pieces of paper, calligraphy pens in hand. Zuko's drips ink onto the expensive table, ruining it.

"I guess we both wait until the last minute, huh?" Mai says, shrugging. "I don't really know what to say. Anecdotes, I guess? Who else is giving speeches."

"All of my anecdotes about Azula involve her trying to kill me. I think Ty Lee's sister. And Suki. And my uncle."

"Your uncle?" Mai laughs. "They'll be giving speeches too, presumably. Well, we can't show up Iroh and Azula with our speeches. I think we're competing for third place."

"You at least have some positive memories," Zuko says, looking frustrated. He scribbles out what he just wrote.

"Okay, okay, I've got it," Mai says, her pen poised over her paper, "My life without my two best friends was uneventful. When I was living in Omashu, my life consisted of reading books, and sleeping, and sighing and occasionally eating food. Within ten minutes of Azula and Ty Lee arriving at my doorstep, I was in the middle of a hostage negotiation. And that is our relationship."

"That's actually pretty good," Zuko says and Mai writes it down. "Okay, uh, maybe I should just write about Ty Lee."

"Did you two ever interact?" Mai asks, looking at Zuko's blank sheet and then quickly writing down a few lines on hers.

"Not really... ugh. Azula is... I would have never met my wife if she wasn't my sister's best friend."

"You don't want to say that," Mai says, pushing his hand away from the pen. A little ink drops onto the parchment. "Makes you sound like an asshole."

"How about I list the five most successful murder attempts?"

"Oh, oh, I've got it," Mai says, her eyes flickering for a moment. "Even though Azula tried to kill me multiple times, she never did. And that was pretty okay, I guess."

"Was that a serious answer?" Zuko snaps and Mai shrugs. She adds a little more to her speech. "How are you thinking of so much?"

Mai shrugs again. "I have a surprising amount to say on the topic of two people I've known for _fifteen years_. Your family was happy once. Write about that."

"Yes. I'm going to talk about us as toddlers at her wedding." Zuko smashes his face into the table and Mai rolls her eyes. She quickly jots down a joke about Azula's integrity.

"How about some like sexual cliché brother joke?" Mai suggests.

"Ew."

"No, no, hear me out. Okay: I hope Ty Lee got her sleep because─"

"Don't. Finish. That sentence." Zuko burns his paper to a crisp. Hesitantly, he tears off a new sheet and replenishes his already full inkwell, as if that will jog thoughts.

"I've got an inappropriately sexual brother joke," Mai says and Zuko groans. "It's no wonder that whole drill attempt failed, because obviously Azula doesn't like─"

"No!" Zuko snaps.

"Phallic things," Mai whispers.

"Just tell me one of your anecdotes and I'll replace the names," Zuko says with a sigh. Mai shakes her head.

"You're going to think this through and _try_, Zuko. Okay, I'll say a word and you just say the first word that comes to mind," Mai says, finishing a sentence. Her piece of parchment is already filled with characters, the ink still glistening and wet. Zuko glances at his empty sheet.

"If you think it'll help," Zuko says, staring intently at his wife.

"Wedding."

"Red."

"You are so bad at this. Okay, love."

"Hearts?"

"Sister."

"Death."

"Azula."

"Painful death."

Mai covers her face with her hands. Zuko groans and slumps in his chair. She is chuckling, though trying feebly to disguise it.

"Let's approach this another way," Mai says, her pale face still red. "How about you just say, 'I hope you guys are really happy together.'"

"That's actually good." Zuko perks up and writes it down.

"I hope you have a really nice marriage," Mai says as Zuko transcribes her words. "And maybe some babies. And I hope if you fight you make up. And I hope you hold hands and annoy each other as little as possible, and grow old together and just be really happy. I also hope you don't murder me in my sleep or usurp the throne. Don't make each other as miserable as you two made me."

"That was really good, Mai." Zuko says, examining his speech.

"I try." She shrugs and returns to hers.

[X]

Sozin Memorial Meadow is too hot, and frustratingly bright. Azula is squinting in the sun and filled with frustration about how much work this wedding is. It is, to say the least, annoying.

"Surprise, surprise, ladies!" And Sokka's face is suddenly met with a blinding blue light.

"See, that's what it feels like, water peasant," Azula purrs before extinguishing the flames. He does not seem to realize her reference towards the sword pointed at her face on Kyoshi Island.

They are standing in the area where the wedding is being set up, shortly after Azula was roused from the third nap she has ever taken in her life by Ty Lee jumping on the bed.

The venue is Sozin Memorial Meadow ─ volcanic view, flowers, fire lilies in the one week they are in bloom, hosts of servants setting things up as Ty Lee points and talks. Azula sits on a chair, trying not to fall asleep.

"Hi, Sokka!" Ty Lee runs and jumps into his arms. They hug as Azula's expression sours. The Fire Nation Princess stands up and sticks her arm through their taut in brace.

"No," she says, in her best Fire Lord voice. Sokka drops Ty Lee who barely catches herself and bounces back up.

"She's just being jealous," Ty Lee says with a small smile. Sokka still looks terrified.

"You ranked him a _nine_," Azula purrs, her cheeks pink. Sokka smiles, a stupid grin Azula wants to burn off of his face.

"A nine? Out of ten?" He looks disgustingly pleased with himself.

"But, Princess Azula, you're like a nine _billion _out of ten," Ty Lee protests and Azula returns, smugly, to her chair.

"So what have you come for?" Azula asks, sitting upon her chair as if it is a throne. Sokka, who came on full of gusto and charm, is now feeling... wobbly. Something about her eyes. "Help with the heavy lifting?"

"I was bored so I decided to see my favorite gir-girl_s_. _Girls_," Sokka says, his hand on his neck. Azula is not amused. She has suffered through enough frustrations today.

"You just want to watch us make-out," Azula says and Sokka makes some kind of weird expression that she finds challenging to read. "Unfortunately, you've stepped from boredom to boredom. I'm only here to avoid the lovefest of the Four fucking Nations in my house."

"Why don't you both help set up the aisle," Ty Lee suggests, diffusing situations with practice. Azula stands up. "Azula go stand where you stand. Sokka, be me."

"I don't see an aisle," Azula says, studying the fire lilies and imported gravel closely. Behind her is a statue of her great grandfather, overlooking the elaborate chairs and decorations with judgmental eyes. She does not think he would be proud of this, from what she knows of him.

"It's not ready yet," Ty Lee says, tapping the shoulder of one of the muscular men lifting the benches. There have to be afew hundredof them. Royal weddings are needlessly lavish. Ty Lee will absolutely _thrive _on that many people looking at her. Azula once would have, if it weren't for the scrutinizing stares she has grown used to since her downfall.

Azula walks to the arch. It seems to have been freshly melted out of solid gold. Hmph. Impressive. She stands beneath it and watches Ty Lee shove a handful of flowers into Sokka's arms.

"Now go."

And so they rehearse, Ty Lee adjusting benches to have the absolute best view of all of her angles.

Desperate for attention.

Kind of cute.

Ew. Kind of cute.

[X]

In her bedroom, Azula is suffocating. Her room is filled with servants, her guard and her brother. The servants are preparing her as she tosses about orders, the guard has their weapons readied for some reason, and Zuko keeps popping around, peeking at things and making Azula want to punch him.

She has escaped the breakfast where she cautiously avoided addressing any of Ty Lee's siblings by name. And she managed to bear Mai babysitting her as Ty Lee greeted hours upon hours of guests. She fell asleep halfway through being babysat. She then stood in a meadow as Ty Lee had the entire wedding set up, kissed Ty Lee twice for Sokka's benefit and is finally getting ready for the event. She lived through all precursors, but the pre-wedding beautification, she feels will be the death of her.

Suddenly, the room gains one more body. "Ty Lee is ready." Mai.

"What?" The servant painting lacquer into Azula's nails barely has time to jump out of the way of the uncontrolled azure flames. "How much─ how much time is left?"

"A couple of hours. Relax, princess," Mai says dryly, walking to Azula's side. She sets her hands on Azula's shoulders. "You look really tense."

"Of course I look _really tense_. There's not enough room to _breathe _in here." Her eyes are oddly wide. Mai tries not to laugh. "I'm about to _faint_."

"Let me do her hair," Mai says, plucking the comb from a servant's hand and pointing to the door. The servant runs out as if the room is on fire. "Better?"

Azula's lips twist. "A little," she murmurs halfheartedly.

Mai starts combing Azula's hair into a complicated up-do. Azula has no idea she knew how to do that, but it looks far better than what was drafted.

"Do you want me to finish this for you?" Mai asks, strangely sympathetic. Azula feels slightly wary, but she nods. Mai catches the hair that falls out of the twisty bun. "Okay, everybody out. That includes the guards, and _you_, Zuko."

"My lady, she's extremely dangerous─" comes the voice of the leader of Azula's guard. Azula grits her teeth.

"I _said _everybody out," Mai says, her usually careless tone suddenly filled with fervor. The guard bows apologetically, and the room empties. Azula breathes a sigh of relief. "Yeah, what's wrong, princess?"

"Nothing," Azula says as Mai stabs a ceremonial crown into her friend's hair.

"Definitely not nothing. Start talking," Mai says, turning around and sitting on the vanity table. She picks up the make-up and pushes Azula's eye open with one finger. Azula bites down on her lip.

In a hushed tone, Azula says, "I'm freaking out." She hopes Zuko is not eavesdropping. If anyone saw her like _this_, she would be forced to burn them alive.

"I can see that," Mai says, holding up a block of eyeliner. "Light."

Azula holds up two fingers and sets the eyeliner ablaze. Mai stares at it a moment until it is dripping enough, and then blows out the flame. She starts applying it to Azula's eyes with surprising ease.

"I've never been so _scared_," Azula says, choking slightly. "I'm _terrified_."

Mai pauses, picking up a case of powder. She frowns slightly.

"Of course you're scared. You're getting married," Mai says, clicking it open.

"I fear nothing. I am Princess Azula the Conqueror."

"Did you make that name up?" Mai suppresses a smile. "Look, maybe you're not scared of muscled men with big knives, or the dark or anything like that, but this is a scary occasion. Wedding jitters effect everyone, even _Princess Azula the Conqueror_."

Azula picks up the choker her mother gave her and puts it on her palpitating neck.

"I don't understand what I'm feeling right now. I just want to _crush _these feelings," Azula purrs, putting on the necklace. The ribbon is tight against her smooth skin, the rubies falling like blood from a slit neck. "Were you worried before your wedding?"

Mai nods. "Yes. Everybody is. It's kind of hilarious to see you like this, I admit. But it's going to be fine. This is one of the easiest things you've ever done."

"Then why is it so scary?" Azula breathes, her eyes widen. Mai twists open lipstick and forces it on Azula's mouth. "You know my servants are much gentler." She spits out some of the chalky paint.

"You're going to do fine, Princess Azula the Conqueror."

"You sound awfully certain. How can you be sure?" Azula demands and Mai rolls her eyes. This is ridiculous.

"Just trust me on this one," Mai says, patting Azula's shoulder. "Now let's get you in that dress of yours."

Azula stands up, her legs shaking. Mai utilizes all of the skills her oppressive parents gave her to keep from laughing. She walks to the bed and picks up the ruby gown.

"This is much nicer than my wedding dress," Mai remarks, eyeing the meticulous stitches and flawless gemstones. Azula does not respond. "Nothing? Nothing? No demeaning remarks? You have a seriously bad case of jitters, princess." Mai finds the unusual state of Azula pretty funny, but she tries her best to have sympathy.

Azula does not say anything, just starts stripping off her clothes. Mai tosses her a bra.

"I have my own."

"Put it on."

"Why?"

"Because I said so."

"You can't tell me what to do," Azula snaps, examining the bra. She touches the inside and finds it filled with inexplicable amounts of padding. "Are you serious?"

"I'm serious," Mai says, raising an eyebrow. "You won't regret it."

"Regrets are unprofessional," Azula sighs, untying the ribbon on the back of her rather restrictive bra and pulling on the horrifying lingerie Mai has handed her. She suddenly registers that it is what Suki gave her, and she does not know why her sense of perception slipped up. Azula examines herself in the mirror, looking back and forth at her half-dressed body. Her ribs still protrude slightly, but the new bra gives her cleavage that was long forgotten. Not that she ever had _much_, for that matter.

"You like it," Mai says, smug as an animal that just caught a tasty dinner. Azula outstretches one hand expectantly for the dress. Mai helps her into it, a mess of awkward elbows and gasps for breath.

"I look good. I mean, I always look good. But I look _astounding_," Azula says, gazing at herself in the mirror as if she would gaze at a lover. Mai shakes her head slowly. Some things never change.

"Why do these shoes point down?" Mai asks, picking up the heavy heels.

"My thoughts exactly," Azula says, seizing them with fervor. She slides them onto her feet, wobbling slightly. And the transformation is complete.

"This is kind of hilarious," Mai says, though her face does not show it. "You pull it off, actually."

"I do?" Azula sounds hopeful in a funny way. And she quickly regains her composure. "Of course I do."

"Now go conquer that wedding, Princess Azula. Conquer it good," Mai says, holding Azula at arm's length. This is probably the most normal situation in their entire relationship. Two best friends before a wedding.

Azula supposes it is time to conquer a wedding.

Her heart speeds up again.

This is _definitely _not the easiest thing she has ever done.

_This is not who you were meant to be._

_But you love her. Irrevocably and impossibly. You love her._


	22. bauble

chapter twenty-two: bauble

* * *

_There's a feeling I get when I look to the west_  
_And my spirit is crying for leaving_  
_In my thoughts I have seen rings of smoke through the trees_  
_And the voices of those who stand looking_  
_"Stairway to Heaven" - Led Zeppelin_

* * *

"This is the best day of my whole life!" Ty Lee exclaims, tugging at Suki. Suki takes a deep breath and struggles to stay upright.

"Well, you're getting married. That's a special occasion." Suki smiles as Ty Lee anxiously searches for her father.

Azula is on an opposite side of the beautiful scenery. "One of those flowers is dead." She points at a fire lily wilting.

Zuko picks it and stuffs it into his pocket. "Better?"

"A little," she says with a small smirk and half shrug.

The royal siblings stand at the edge of the wedding as people slowly trickle in. Azula started counting heartbeats to tell how long it is before she has to stand up there, but her heart is racing in fits and starts and she could no longer keep track. Zuko was assigned to stand beside Azula before walking to his front row seat with Mai, who is trapped in a conversation she seems to desperately want out of.

"Best day of your life?" Zuko asks as Azula stares at the foreboding altar. The benches seem to go on endlessly, all ranked in order of importance. There are no sides for the two brides; seeing as no one was coming for Azula anyway, except for some generals and war advisors, none of which she was on good terms with.

"Is that that guy from the drill?" Azula is on her toes, her ankles lifted from the tight heels, studying the man several benches back. "I thought I had him executed."

Zuko can only laugh. "Okay, so is it the best day of your life?"

"Third best day. Probably," Azula says honestly and Zuko presses his lips together to keep from laughing.

"What comes before your wedding day?" Zuko asks, fixing the strap of her dress. She slaps his fingers away with a superheated hand. He sticks the burning skin in his mouth.

"Well, the first best day of my life was the day you were banished," Azula says, leaning to the side and looking three benches back. "Are we related to that person?"

"No," Zuko answers, though he has no idea who she is looking at. "Ty Lee probably is."

Azula snorts. "Second best day of my life was when I conquered Ba Sing Se. And third is today. So far. Unless something terrible happens and ruins it. Like my coronation."

"I promise not to attack you with Katara," Zuko says, bowing mockingly. He expects her to get angry, but she seems distracted.

"I appreciate that, ZuZu," Azula says with a small smirk. "Ew," Azula murmurs as the front row fills. "Who invited mother?"

"Just go walk up there and stand there and say your vows and kiss Ty Lee and you can go home. Does that make you feel better?" Zuko prods and Azula rolls her eyes.

"I want this to be a momentous occasion," she says as Zuko remembers their conversation last night. He hopes she finds the strength within herself to do this.

"You look conniving. Hot tip, don't look conniving when you're up there."

"I think that's just my face at neutral. Why are you being so kind to me?" Azula is suddenly hit with suspicion as she glances at the Avatar and his cronies. They seem incredibly happy at the wedding of someone they gave a nine year prison sentence to.

"Mai told me if I wasn't nice to you today, there would be consequences."

"You probably shouldn't have told me that." Azula smirks. Zuko scowls.

And so Azula finds herself standing under a great, twisting, golden contraption passing off as an arch. The people of all three nations ─ four if you count Aang ─ watch with the stares that pierce through her with great suspicion. The look of fear in their eyes only makes Azula's stomach twist, instead of giving her an exhilarating high.

_Please just look at Ty Lee. Please just look at Ty Lee. She's the one who _craves _attention. _

So, the soon-to-be-princess, upgraded from contortionist at a mediocre circus, is now walking down the aisle. Azula fights to keep a straight face. Ty Lee was always _pretty_, but she looks... inexplicable. It was usually an accentuation of her cleavage or a movement or mascara so skillfully applied that Azula once stole her most expensive bottle of it and broiled it into useless ash, Mai chiding her as she did it.

But right now she is in some dazzling dress and Azula cannot describe the feeling she experiences, except for the fact that she wants to crush them. _Don't stare. Don't look weak. Princess Azula the Conqueror. Conqueror. Fearless. Ruthless. Are those flowers in her hair? Whatever she has done with her eyes... Nope, nope. Cool, collected. Can summon lightning and hit a gold piece nailed to the wall. Think about lightning. Balance. Pure. No expression. She is _sparkling_. How is she sparkling? Oh, agni, she's getting closer. She's getting closer very fast and she looks like the most beautiful deathblow of red flame. Breathe. Breathe like the firebending masters you outmastered taught you to breathe. Princess Azula the Conqueror. Conceal. Cool. Collected. Pure. Balanced._

"Hi," whispers Ty Lee, interrupting Azula's swirling thoughts.

Azula does not reply. She just recites the words she was meant to say, although her heart is fluttering with thoughts of the future she and this woman are about to share. Azula thinks she will like spending forever with Ty Lee.

[X]

"You did good," Mai says as the ceremony comes to a close. She pushes Azula's shoulder gently. "You looked totally wicked. Like, it looked like some kind of fairy tale where the princess is forced to marry the evil witch."

"I try," Azula breathes, attempting a laugh and failing. "Well, it ended far better than my coronation, I'll give it that."

"You're not going to cry? Please, just one tear, princess," Mai teases as they lurk in the shadows of the palace ballroom. "Come on. You know you want to."

"No one asked for your opinion, Mai," Azula purrs, though there is an unusual happiness in her chilly tone.

"Still have jitters?" Mai asks, touching Azula's side. Azula swallows and clears her mind. She applies bending to every aspect of her life.

The breathing really helps in situations like this. When Princess Azula needs to keep her reputation, but inside, is totally careening. It comes from the breath. The firebenders who failed the war were the ones who thought it came from muscles and rage. Azula would have done better. It is all in the way she breathes. When she thinks about it ─ and she usually tries not to ─ her father did not breathe like a firebender. Maybe that is why he lost.

Ty Lee is suddenly in front of her two best friends. She grabs Azula's hand and Mai catches Azula blushing. It is cute in a way that somewhat sickens Mai. The two girls walk to a table at the center of the room and sit down. To the left is a table of parents ─ Ursa, Uncle, Ty Lee's aristocrat parents. At the table of the brides, is only the Fire Lord and Lady, and Ty Lee and Azula. The Avatar and his friends have the best table in the place, and Aang is showing off some foolish airbending trick to amuse the Fire Nation nobility at the table beside them.

Mood music that Azula would not have chosen plays throughout the room. She touches the slit throat ruby choker and tries not to make eye-contact with Ursa. Mai is her friend again. Zuko and Iroh on her side. Ty Lee _married _to her. Father... he has paid for what he did to her, although she believes she must make amends with him eventually. Violence is what started the failings of Ozai; it is often the easy way out. And there is no easy way to change your entire life, and rewrite what you live for.

But mother... she lingers like a ghost that just will not go away.

"You look distracted," Ty Lee whispers in Azula's ear.

"I'm not," Azula lies smoothly. She has always hated how Ty Lee breaks her out of her thoughts, but perhaps that is useful. It must be pleasant to just live in the moment; ignorance is bliss.

The sound of the thousand conversations at once is overwhelming. Azula sits preternaturally straight and takes timed sips of fine liquor and listens to Ty Lee and Mai quietly make fun of the other guests. Zuko is re-reading a smudged speech over and over.

Azula feels... strange. Smirk. Smug expression. Happy? Maybe. Hmph. No one dares to approach. She controls her breathing, controls her desire to just up and burn the place to the ground. Restraint. Restraint. Restraint.

Someone touches her hand and rips her out of her reverie. Lips touch hers and she leans into it. Heart races slightly; she silences her racing pulse. It is taking every trick in her book of bitch to remain collected and intimidated amongst the butterflies inside of her.

"Food is coming. Don't yell at the servants," Ty Lee whispers in her ear. Azula wonders how it is so easy for her to show emotion. To be so _blissful_. This just feels like falling. _Falling_. Like those dreams where you wake up and still feel like you are falling from a warship and then you realize you are just in bed.

"Only if they don't piss me off," Azula purrs. _That was good. That was good. _

Ty Lee shrugs. "Oh, oh, speech! Mai's speech!"

Mai is walking to a pedestal meant for the Fire Lord, supervising lavish events that have not gone on since the end of Sozin's life. This place had so much dust that Azula nearly died breathing it, and quickly assigned the servants she least liked to clean the entire place with no breaks.

"So, I'm not one for speeches," Mai begins as the attention in the room falls on her. "That's more of Azula's thing. But, I'm gonna try not to sound like an idiot. Well, here I am, at a wedding of my two best friends. They were my whole life for a long time. We were the smart one, the pretty one and the smart and pretty one. I don't think I need to tell you who was who." Laughter. Mai's not doing half-bad.

She continues with, "I was told that anecdotes are the socially appropriate thing to give wedding speeches about. And I think I have one that pretty much summarizes my relationship to the princesses. So, I moved away when I was roughly thirteen. I had lived in the Fire Nation my entire life. And when I left, Ty Lee did not let go of my leg until I walked her face into a wall. Azula said, '_It's not like I'm going to miss you or anything.' _but she completely was. And we both knew it. My life went from advanced combat training, throwing knives at things, avoiding fire being thrown at things, and being forced to do cartwheels until I vomited. Also I think we played some pretend games... that ended up with throwing sharp things, hot things and punching things. We were violent little ones, who didn't generally like dolls and tea parties."

Laughter.

"But, I digress," Mai continues, "My life in Omashu was boring. Well, my life in the Fire Nation was boring too. But in Omashu, I would sit in my room and read books and sometimes eat and sleep. And sometimes, when I was out of food and books, I would leave the house to buy more. And I would repeat my boring schedule. Within ten minutes of Azula and Ty Lee arriving back into my life, I was in the middle of a hostage negotiation. A hostage negotiation. Princess Azula comes into my life like lightning every time. I travelled the world with these girls."

Knowing looks from the Avatar and his girlfriend. Mai tries not to be thrown off by it.

"I went to school with these girls. I dunno... ever since the moment I sat down next to Princess Azula and had an extremely awkward first week of friendship, my life has been significantly less boring. So to the brides: thanks for being the only factor in my life that makes things unpredictable. Have a nice life. And let's not throw each other in prison for as long as we live. And to Ty Lee, thank you for trying to be a voice of reason, and saying really stupid things like calling elbows arm-knees. I'm sorry for not correcting you. And to Azula, thank you for forging my homework so my parents wouldn't ground me. You guys are okay."

And she leaves the stand, met by uproarious applause.

"That was good," Ty Lee says eagerly, hugging Mai tightly. Mai hates being hugged, but for some reason, she tolerates Ty Lee's _touching_.

Azula smirks. She cannot help it. "Oh, look, ZuZu, your turn."

He groans and picks up his filthy piece of paper. Attempting the futile task of smoothing it, he walks up to the stand.

[X]

_Six years ago, Mai sits in prison, leaning against the wall. Ty Lee has made friends of all things. With those Kyoshi girls. Mai watches her sleep, slightly envious. Her thoughts are spinning as she wonders about the fate of Zuko. She saved him, yes, but Azula will always go after him, this time with more fervor. Fire Lord Ozai told her if she came back and Zuko was alive there would be consequences._

_They slowed her down, in Mai's opinion._

_Ty Lee murmurs in her sleep, "Azula..." and then fades back into her dream._

_Mai frowns._

_The next morning, Mai has not slept at all. And Ty Lee looks... sad._

_"You talk about her in your sleep," Mai remarks as they sit in the prison yard. It is gross out and Mai's clothes are slightly sticky. She hopes she can get out of here, but she finds that prospect doubtful._

_"Who?" Ty Lee feigns ignorance with skill. It must be nice to be dumb. And in love with someone who isn't probably dead regardless of your attempt to save him._

_"Were you two ever actually together?" Mai asks dryly, watching the other prisoners roughhouse. They sit on the sidelines._

_"I didn't even know. Can you know with her? Can you?" Ty Lee sighs, and her heart starts to hurt._

_"She's not one to talk about her feelings." Mai smirks faintly. "I hope she doesn't execute us."_

_"Yeah, me too," Ty Lee sinks into the dingy cell, resigning herself to her fate._

[X]

"They were clapping because you left the stage," Azula purrs in her brother's ear. He turns bright red.

Another course of food is brought out. Azula has eaten about a quarter of what has been given to her. She plays with the rest of the expensive meat and side-dishes.

Ty Lee's hand is on hers under the table. It starts slipping up the inside of Azula's thigh and she spits up what was in her drink into her glass. No one notices, though Azula glances around, paranoid. Fingertips further. Azula bats her away and Ty Lee laughs.

"You're evil," Azula mouths at her and the acrobat shrugs.

There are some weird games that go on. Conversations. Azula feels lost and mostly stays silent. People eye her with murmurs of fear. Their whispers never cease. And she does nothing about them for some inexplicable reason. Ty Lee's sister gives a speech that even makes Azula laugh. Suki gives a terrible speech. Uncle goes on some senile tangent Azula finds unimpressive.

"Did you understand Uncle's speech?" Zuko whispers to Azula once Iroh leaves the podium and she shakes her head.

"There was something about trees, I think," Azula breathes back before shrugging. "He must be going senile."

"I'm pretty sure he's always been like that," Zuko says, but Azula is no longer listening. She knows she is next up.

And slowly, she comes to her feet, in the weird red shoes that inexplicably point downwards. And she walks to the pedestal and stands like an empress.

"Speeches are _my thing_. I'm good at talking, I suppose. I've won more battles with words than the Fire Nation did with all of its armies. And, I always am improvising. When Ba Sing Se hinged on my words, there was no script." Silence. "There's no script for marriage either. I don't have much to say, in this case. There is no negotiation, no motivational talk for little soldiers marching off to inevitable deaths, only clinging to my words. It's just that..." Azula hesitates. She feels ridiculous. She cannot _open _to these people. But... she has to. She has to. "I love her. And for some totally masochistic reason she loves me back, after all of the times I scorned and gypped her to get ahead. My speech is not going to be like any of my other speeches. I'm not aiming for victory or glory. I just am going to make a promise. One promise to the woman I think I just tied the knot with. I will never put my own ambitions before you again. I know that's not easy to believe. And, to be perfectly honest, 'I believe you, Princess Azula' has to be on a list of famous last words. But I'm going to promise that. And just hope you're as crazy as I am."

And she walks back to the table in complete and utter silence, the ballroom's inhabitants wide-eyed. They are stunned into silence and Azula fights the urge to start throwing fire at people. But she sits down, calm, cool and collected and examines the bottom of her glass.

Ty Lee knocks the crystal goblet out of her hand and kisses her fiercely, everyone watching.

Azula does not care.

She kisses her back, with no regard for reputation.

And later they dance. A first dance. Careening, showing off. This part is easy. Music plays and the crowd is awed before they gradually sidle onto the dance floor and Azula fades into the walls like she did as a child, only to come out when she is ready to strike.

Today was not _terrible_, she supposes.

"Hey, Azula, Azula," comes drunk Zuko. She sighs. Ty Lee is showing off to a group of spectators as Azula tries to melt into the walls and not feel like an _object on display_.

He is standing with the blind kid. Azula struggles to recall a name and fails.

"Yes?" she purrs, crossing her arms.

"We want you to prove your boast," Toph says forcefully, having just heard of it from Zuko.

"You're going to have to be more specific," Azula says wryly, not pleased by this development at all.

"Shoot a gold piece nailed to the wall with lightning," Zuko says and Azula shrugs. She supposes it would make her feel less like a _bauble_ and more formidable.

And the crowd gathers. Toph is taller, curvier, seventeen, and holding a torn off piece of tablecloth.

"What's that for?" Azula asks as Aang struggles to pin a donated gold piece to the wall. He looks pretty excited. Katara walks to the opposite side of the room pointedly, muttering something about _not wanting to die_.

"A blindfold," the earthbender says. Zuko raises an eyebrow at Azula and she glares back. She seizes the blindfold, nearly knocking Toph over, and ties it over her eyes.

"How many drinks have you had, princess?" comes the unmistakable voice of Mai.

"Like two," Azula says and she feels cold, clammy hands on her face.

"Make sure she's not cheating." Mai ties the blindfold tighter and pulls it around her eyes. "Zuko, get really far out of the way because this is exactly how I would kill you if I were her. It would look like an accident."

"Don't give her ideas!" Zuko shouts and Mai chuckles.

"Alright, alright, I'm not cheating," Azula says, trying to remember the location of the gold piece. It comes to her.

And she summons lightning. It is easier to her than dealing with the well-wishers who once wished she would be locked up for life. Cautious movement, crack, and release.

"Damn!" shouts Sokka and Azula rips the blindfold off of her eyes.

The crowd stares in awe as they look at the melting gold piece on the wall.

Azula shrugs.

After the grand display of lightning, one of Zuko's advisors approaches Azula.

"Can we dance?" he asks, but he is almost _ordering _it. She hesitates, then sees in his eyes that he wants to talk to her.

"Yes," she purrs, moving into his arms. And so they dance, inconspicuously between the other partygoers. The Avatar and his girlfriend are doing something elaborate and gathering gawkers.

"You're an icon, you know?"

"Of the New Ozai Society," Azula whispers and his eyes widen. He did not think she knew about it, being locked up and monitored at all times. "Are you one of them?"

He spins her and pulls her back. Azula feels her heart leap, but keeps her expression blank. Perhaps this wedding will not be a waste of time.

"Yes. So are three other advisors of your brother. And a lot of powerful people who weren't locked up as war criminals." He dips her. She is listening intently, clinging to his every word. "If you wanted to make a move... we would support you."

Azula suppresses a smile.

"I'll remember that," she breathes as they sway together. "I plan on it."

His eyes light up. He had been hoping that Princess Azula would make a move. She was able to conquer Ba Sing Se with two people backing her; she can surely bring down Fire Lord Zuko's shaky regime with an entire legion of followers helping her. Azula pulls away from him, not speaking another word.

It was a lie, Azula supposes. But she _does _like to keep her options open. Else, she would have told Zuko about the resistance's hard-on for her much earlier.

After the conversation with the resistance leader, Azula feels sore. She sits down and watches other people party. It goes on like this for some time, Mai turning into a traitor and abandoning her. Only one of the brides is getting her perfect day.

"Let's go someplace more private," suddenly comes a blithe voice in her ear. She is seized by the arm and dragged from the ballroom.

"Didn't you have some elaborate scheme for a flawless wedding? There have to be at least five more─" And Ty Lee cuts her off with a kiss. _Stole my trick._

"The wedding won't miss us." Ty Lee is dragging Azula through the empty halls. They have effectively abandoned the most uncomfortable situation Azula has ever been in.

[X]

_Ten years ago, Azula is primped and pinned into a dress that fits too tightly. Zuko is groomed with less glamour, no lip paint on him or tight ribbons. And they are ready to be paraded about as the next in line for the throne. Zuko is now crown prince. And Azula... finds herself a step closer to the throne she gazed at longingly more than once._

_She is a little kid being treated as a bauble. Zuko wailed about their mother until their father slapped him across the face. The bruise is covered with powder meant for Azula. And the two children are ushered, past Fire Nation priests with funny hats, who, oddly, once worshipped the Avatar that is (thankfully) long dealt with._

_And she looks out at the seas of subjects ahead of her. Momentarily she pretends that they are hers. Zuko looks distraught. A funeral two days ago, and now a coronation. And what with Ursa gone, it has been a delightfully eventful week._

_But Azula feels oddly uncomfortable. Dolled up, shown off, the accessory to the Nation._

_Her thoughts swim. She tries to stay collected._

_Coronation._

[X]

"I'm glad we're married," Azula says as her back slams against the wall. Ty Lee's lips have just broken free of hers. "But I hate situations like that."

"Social situations?" Ty Lee offers, trying to figure out the complicated ribbon-work of Azula's dress. They have yet to make it to their bedroom.

"No, being all dressed up like a little princess doll and whispered about and shown off like an accessory to the Fire Nation."

"It was a _wedding_," Ty Lee says, finally freeing Azula with frantic hands. "What is that bra?"

"Suki gave it to me, remember?" She wraps her leg around Ty Lee's back.

"I wouldn't have pegged you for made uncomfortable by these things." Hands slipping to Azula's breasts.

"I'm a good liar," Azula breathes, swallowing. She feels hot. Throbbing. Craving. But her head is still swept up in the uncomfortable formality of the occasion. She can still hear the music from the opposite end of the palace. "It just reminds me of my childhood, I guess. A bauble. I don't like to be a _bauble_."

They switch spots with surprising speed. Azula's underwear is falling off of her in the middle of the eerie red hall as she fumbles with Ty Lee's ever-more complicated dress. She feels exposed, but, oddly, less exposed than she did while standing at the altar.

"Your speech made me wet," Ty Lee laughs and Azula smirks. They make it to the bedroom and slam the door shut.

"Well, I try," Azula purrs, pushing Ty Lee onto the bed. She straddles her, hovering above. Now she feels alright. Now she is no _bauble_. She is the most powerful princess in Fire Nation history. Not a _bauble_.

They tear at each other, kisses missing targets, tongues lost, hot, wet, laughing, reckless. And Azula lies there, as the wedding reception somehow still goes on. They are alone and the night is oddly cool, as Ty Lee looks very _smug_. Azula does not think she has ever seen her look like that.

"I think I cracked the impenetrable Gates of Azula."

"Gates of what?" Azula asks, breathlessly. She touches a bite mark near her clavicle. It stings faintly.

"I made you _feel_. And you declared your love to me to hundreds of people," Ty Lee says, a mischievous grin on her face. "The Princess _has feelings_." She giggles.

"You got lucky," Azula purrs, and they move into each other again.


	23. ember

chapter twenty-three: ember

* * *

_"Monsters are real. Ghosts are real too. They live inside of us. And sometimes, they win."  
\- Stephen King -_

* * *

"This is a stupid island," Azula mutters, looking at Ember Island approaching on the horizon. "We should've gone someplace better."

Ty Lee kisses her and she does not return. Not abated, Ty Lee says, "Just try to enjoy yourself. It's a honeymoon. Aren't you excited to see your refurbished old house?"

Azula does not respond. Her eyes are slightly glazed over as she gazes out over the water. She sees a fish jump and envies its freedom. The boat is surrounded by the heavily armed guards that stalk her every footstep. The woman rubbing her arms and trying to make her _happy _is a prison without bars. Maybe she should be happy. But she feels like she is going back to a painful memory.

_Memories. Why do I let them control me? Why?_

"It might be okay," Azula offers as Ty Lee looks disappointed. Azula leans further over the side, the sea wind whipping through her raven hair. "It may be a stupid island and a grim old house but at least my company is good." Ty Lee glows. Silver tongued princess.

They finally arrive at the refurbished Fire Nation Royal family getaway. It actually looks quite nice; albeit it is probably the _stupidest _thing a new Fire Lord should divert resources towards. The guards surrounding them are carrying all of the luggage, most of it Ty Lee's. Finally, they make themselves useful.

"We can go swimming. And we can go to the beach! And we can shop! I saw these seashell necklaces here when I went with Zuko and Mai─"

"When you what?" Azula asks, seizing her bags from a guard and nearly knocking him over.

"Oh, a year after the war Zuko had like a big vacation for everyone. And we went to Ember Island." Silence. "I probably shouldn't've told you that."

"Why were you throwing _beach parties_? While I was being psychoanalyzed and restrained and tormented in an asylum, you were throwing _beach parties_?" Azula demands, shoving a guard out of the way on her way into the house. Ty Lee scampers behind her.

"Well, Zuko had just refurbished the house. We _had _to break it in," Ty Lee says, shutting the door behind them. "I'm sure if you weren't in prison we would have invited you."

"Mhm," is all Azula has to say. They walk inside and Azula is impressed by what Zuko has done with the place. It looks absolutely nothing like what it did when they used to come here as little kids. Before Azulon's death. Before mother ran off. Before Zuko was banished. He managed to erase the past with a little paint and some new furnishings.

"So, we should probably plan out our week," Ty Lee says, sitting down on the sofa. Azula bites the corner of her lip. "There's a festival going on in a few days."

"Okay, we can run around this island shopping and being _active_," Azula says, sitting on the coffee table. "_Or_, we can fuck on every surface in my brother's precious house."

"I don't see why we can't do both!" Ty Lee grins.

[X]

"Azula if you knock down my sandcastle I will block your chi and throw you in the ocean," Ty Lee threatens as she starts digging a moat. Azula sighs, lying on her back.

The sun is blazing, the ocean making an obnoxious roaring sound. At least it is a private beach and no one is ogling her wife. She is undeniably bored. Almost willing to go shopping for seashell necklaces. Azula hates the smell of the beach; it has the stench of rotten dead things and seaweed. But Ty Lee wanted to come here for nostalgia reasons, instead of some nice volcanic spa as Azula suggested.

Love _is _about sacrifices, or some bullshit like that.

"It's tempting," Azula murmurs, smirking. She lights up two fingers. "Fire is incredibly hard to control..."

"I'm not kidding, princess." Ty Lee gives a vicious glare.

They have fucked on only two or three of Zuko's precious surfaces. And now they are taking a much needed break on the blissful private beach. Azula attempts to enjoy the sunlight, letting it surge through her body, feeding off of its power. It is thrilling for any firebender close to her caliber. Even if the beach smells bad.

"So about that bauble thing you were talking about while we were fucking," Ty Lee says, adjusting one of the windows.

"That? Ugh. When I was a little kid they used to dress me up and parade me around for events. And I absolutely _loathed _it. Our wedding was fine, it really was. But it felt like that. A helpless kid just being guided around and shown off," Azula says, taking a deep breath and feeling like she is inhaling the flames of the sun.

"It _was_ a royal event," Ty Lee says, offering it as some kind of sympathy.

"They're all terrible."

"But you love being royalty."

"I know," Azula says with a small shrug. She glances around, as if there were someone other than the two of them nearby. The guards wait at the house seeing as Azula purred at them, _'We're having sex on the beach. You're not invited. At ease.' _"To be honest, my life was never as perfect as I claimed it to be."

"Mai said that to me once," Ty Lee remarks, thinking of the weird situation when they returned without Zuko and Iroh. Azula did not leave the palace for days, not until she demanded that they go examine the drill with her. She looked weird. Had bruises on her neck. Ty Lee said nothing about it. "You know, being seen as a moron can work in your advantage."

"Please don't tell me that's a suggestion," Azula says, snorting derisively.

"It's not. I was talking about myself. I noticed things were off. I noticed you were slipping. And I... I did nothing. I'm sorry." Ty Lee knocks down her own sandcastle. Azula frowns.

"You sound like my mother," Azula sighs. "I didn't need _rescuing_. I am, by far, the most capable person our nation's history has ever seen. I don't take kindly to being treated like I'm fragile."

"I always thought you were perfect," Ty Lee says and Azula digs her fingers into the hot sand. "I really did. Princess Azula is _perfect_. But you're a person. You're a human being with hopes and fears and desires. You're not a monster. Perfection is monstrous."

Azula is silent for a moment. "I would rather be a perfect monster than a flawed human."

She thinks about why she is really upset. It is not necessarily about being treated as a bauble, but about what Zuko's advisor says. She is _conflicted_. Oh, conflicted beyond belief. She wants to give her bride everything, herself everything... _three _advisors out of five? She... could take the throne.

It did not seem like a possibility. Azula, for the first time, does not know what to do.

"So, let's make that lie you told the guards a truth." Ty Lee pounces on her.

[X]

"Why are you sulking?" Ty Lee demands. She is dressed, made-up and ready for the day Azula promised her. Azula is staring intently at a mirror that was once cracked. She was the one who broke it. Now it is glossed over, or perhaps replaced.

"I'm just tired," Azula lies, and Ty Lee believes her. Or maybe she just does not find it worth protesting about. Either way, Azula does not care.

"You promised seashell necklaces," Ty Lee says, grinning hopefully. Azula nods.

"We will buy seashell necklaces," Azula says, though her voice cracks slightly. Ty Lee can tell that something is bothering her, but she does not know what. She does not know if delving into the black abyss that is Azula's fractured mind is worth the risk of Azula not bouncing back from it.

The night she confessed that her father raped her was terrifying. Ty Lee never thought the princess would admit something like that. And the way she _cried_. Ty Lee never wanted to let her go. And she acts like this chilly, wicked, twisted regal with conniving eyes and a half smile. But under the surface... Princess Azula is _not _perfect.

And Ty Lee loves her imperfections more than her talents and reputation.

"I can't believe you had a beach party while I was in an asylum," Azula mutters, leaning on her arm. "And _then _you sent me to fucking prison. Not like you visited me either place."

"It wasn't a life sentence. I thought it was unfair. But five years at sixteen isn't terrible. You still have a full life ahead of you at five years. Most of the people involved in the war were given life sentences in the Broiling Rock," Ty Lee says and Azula hates to admit she was right. It was a sick punishment for a mentally ill teenager, but she could have bided her time for five more years. Chained there. Wasting away. But she would have found strength at some point. And there is the fact that her asylum rampage was probably enough for ten life sentences...

"I would be very different if I had been locked up for seven years," Azula remarks slowly. Ty Lee nods.

"I would have been there." Silence. "I would be there when you got out."

"You didn't visit me for a year after I was released," Azula says and Ty Lee looks slightly hurt. _Regret_. Hmph.

"I was scared. It was easy to tell myself that I had no reason to be in the Fire Nation. Maybe it wasn't entirely about you. That day I knocked on your bedroom door was the first time I had been in my homeland in five years," Ty Lee says and Azula did not know this.

"It was?" Azula purrs, sitting up straighter.

"You're not the only one with bad memories."

Silence.

"I don't blame Zuko for wanting to wipe the memories away," Azula says, running her fingernail in patterns along Ty Lee's bare back. She lingers over the scar from her lightning, a slight twinge of alien regret. They lie in what once was Azula's bedroom, now a beautifully refurbished guest room.

"I thought they were happy memories," Ty Lee murmurs, enjoying the sensation of talons against smooth skin. It makes her body tingle with odd pleasure.

"Those are the worst kind."

"I'll be honest," Azula says, getting up halfheartedly putting on clothes. "I didn't like the wedding. I don't like vacations." _I'm currently contemplating if something could be gained from overthrowing my brother. I'm thinking about how I told a leader of the resistance that I _was _planning to overthrow my brother._

They remind her of formalities that stole everything from her. She gained a title and the road to the throne, but she lost life as she knew it. This just conjures up things she does not want to think about. Perhaps she would give more than that to be Fire Lord... perhaps. But that does not mean she has to like it.

"What do you like?" Ty Lee sighs, looking mildly disappointed.

"I like you," Azula says, a certain earnestness in her tone that is alien to the acrobat.

"I like you too."

[X]

Azula walks through the town, trying to ignoring the _stares_. The armed guard does not help she and Ty Lee blend in. Her hand is seized, dragged about as Ty Lee searches for the seashell necklaces she continuously mentions. Posters for the festival are glued to almost every surface in town.

She supposes she will have to attend it, and it will be sickening. Maybe it won't be _terrible_.

"Found them!" Ty Lee yanks away from Azula, nearly knocking her over. They are at an outdoor stand, the wooden shelves lined with dyed and carefully threaded and beaded necklaces.

So tacky. Azula would not be caught dead in one.

"Are you sure about those?" Azula asks as Ty Lee sifts through them, redirecting a small, sand-scratched mirror to examine herself in them.

"They're wonderful," Ty Lee replies instantaneously and Azula keeps her mouth shut.

She looks around. In her mind, every situation is analyzed as if it could be a fight. Rarely, do such thoughts become useful. Eyeing each pedestrian as if they are an opponent ─ _his leg is weak. Aim for her shoulder_ ─ and after being the subject of an assassination attempt, Azula supposes it works in her favor.

A couple of kids are playing in the street. They look like ruffians, around nine or ten. Some kind of ball game that Azula would have never been allowed to play at that age. One of them tosses the ball and it nearly hits Azula in the face. She ducks quickly and kicks it back with her ankle. The tallest kid catches it, nearly knocked over by the force.

"Woah!" shouts one of the children and Azula crosses her arms.

"Watch where you throw that," Azula replies sharply, words laced with venom.

"That was so cool!" cheers a little girl. She has _dirt _on her face.

The children approach, as if they are not even scared of her. She feels them walk up super close to her.

"Where'd you learn to do that, Miss?"

"Show me! Show me!"

"Um..." Azula looks at the little peasant children, baffled. She glances at the guards, who have fingers tensed on their weapons. The ball is forced into her hands by a kid who is as tall as the bottom of her ribs. "You kids should just run along."

She tries to hand the ball back and another kid pushes it into her hands. Azula sighs. _No rest for the wicked._

An hour of shopping later, Ty Lee turns to one of Azula's masked guards. Up to ten now that she is out of the palace, highly trained, benders, a variety of weapons and handcuffs at their sides. Ty Lee thinks they would only slow Azula down, but she respects Zuko's efforts to keep Azula from going on another rampage.

"Is she... playing with children?" Ty Lee asks, squinting at the other side of the street.

"It appears so, princess," comes the gravelly voice of the soldier.

Azula has a small smirk on her face as a gang of peasant children are showing her how to play their game. Ty Lee is laughing hysterically at the sight she never thought she would see. Azula seems to be... enjoying herself? Ty Lee clutches two full bags of jewelry as she watches.

"I have to go, little peasant brats," Azula says, waving feebly as soon as she notices Ty Lee. The children look incredibly disappointed to see her go. "Stop _smirking_, Ty Lee. I had no choice."

Ty Lee clamps her hand over her mouth as she shakes with silent giggles.

And they make their way back to the beach-house.

"If they knew who I was they wouldn't have," Azula protests, as Ty Lee has been prodding her about the kids for the entire journey home.

"Kids are oblivious." Ty Lee shrugs, still laughing. "That was _adorable_."

Azula lies down on the sofa, breathing a small sigh of relief as her back rests on the plush cushions. "Today was... interesting. I'll give it that."

Ty Lee gives her an upside down kiss, which, in the acrobat's opinion, is the best kind of kiss.

"You wouldn't be a _terrible _mother," Ty Lee says and Azula rolls her eyes. Ty Lee sets the bags of jewelry on top of her suitcase and pulls on one of the necklaces. Pink. It does not look as tacky as it could look on her, Azula supposes. "Not _great_. But not _terrible_."

"I'm glad you believe in me," Azula purrs sarcastically, staring at the ceiling. It has a still fresh coat of paint, not a single chip.

[X]

_Nine years ago, Mai and Azula fight. _

_"I don't want to come," Azula says, looking Mai in the eyes. Mai puffs her chest out slightly, looking offended. Ty Lee cringes, watching with her hands clasped and sweat on her forehead._

_"Well, I'm sorry for inviting you, princess." Mai rolls her eyes. Then sighs and murmurs, "I'm actually sorry."_

_They are at an impasse. Mai's parents instructed her to bring the princess on the family vacation at all costs, and Azula's father instructed her to not spare a moment of her training now that Zuko is gone. And Ty Lee was not even invited in the first place, but she hopes that it ends well._

_"Why don't you take Ty Lee?" Azula says, gesturing at their third wheel. Ty Lee shakes her head too quickly, giving herself a sore neck._

_"I want you to come on vacation with me, princess." Mai somehow manages to sound fierce and noncommittal at the same time._

_"I don't want to," Azula reiterates, clenching her fists. They are hot, but not flaming._

_She wants to come. She really does._

_"Okay, look, I know you know that my parents just want to befriend the crown princess, now that y'know, well, y'know. But it will make it a lot more bearable for me if you come," Mai offers and Azula feels like she is choking._

_"Well, now that y'know, well, y'know, I can't take a vacation. I..." Azula purses her lips. She has already said too much._

_Mai remembers when Azula used to tell her everything. She also remembers when every day after school they would get into a variety of hijinks. Then Azula's crown changed and her life changed. Mai and Ty Lee train with Azula now; it was the only way they were able to convince her father that they were worth still seeing. And Azula has been a basket-case of overworked for two years now._

_"Your word overrules mine," Mai says with a small sigh. Azula turns away. "If you want to come you still can. But obviously you don't."_

_"I've made that clear." Distant. Azula's voice is distant. Cold. Detached. Well, she was always haughty and overtly sophisticated, but she is changing._

_And Mai ends up alone on vacation at Ember Island._

[X]

Four days into her honeymoon, Azula wades out into the ocean water. It is a lonely, dark night. The stars shine much more brightly out here than in the Fire Nation Capitol, but Azula has no clue why. She can see strands of cosmic clouds amongst the black. Ty Lee is swimming blithely, as if there is nothing more pleasant than abrasive ocean water on mostly bare skin.

Azula suddenly sees her corpse in the water, floating. She squeezes her eyes shut and opens them, seeing that it is gone. She _knows _that it is not real, although her fingers still tremble. Azula turns her attention to Ty Lee to try to keep her illness at bay.

"You look really happy," Azula remarks, feeling foolish commenting on the obvious. It is the same reason Azula was never good at small talk; she needs reason behind her words and something to gain by saying them.

"Well, it is my honeymoon. You've been really... distant." Ty Lee swims back into shallow water and stands, dripping beside Azula. "Maybe we should've gone somewhere else."

"Perhaps we should build a campfire and cry our hearts out," Azula remarks bitterly and Ty Lee touches her hand. Her fingertips are cold and slippery on Azula's skin.

"You haven't been alright since the wedding. If you didn't want to do this─"

Azula's hand is behind Ty Lee's back so quickly that Ty Lee's sentence is cut off by a shrill shriek. Tips her over, long hair grazes against the surface of the placid waves.

"I don't do anything I don't want to do."

And she kisses her.

_This is not who you were meant to be._

Azula fades into the night. Voices, the occasional hallucinations. Azula is slipping back to where she had overcome, and she does not know how to tell anyone. She does not know where the illness ends and she begins anymore.

It wounds her.

[X]

"Thanks for inviting me to your beach party," Azula remarks bitterly as soon as Zuko greets her. He swallows and shoots Ty Lee a scolding glance. She smiles in response.

"You were in the asylum," Zuko protests loudly, but Azula and Ty Lee have already walked past him. Azula looks unhappy to Zuko; obviously something has set her off. But he cannot imagine what could have gone wrong on a _honeymoon_.

His honeymoon was uncomfortable. They wound up going home a week early because Mai hated the volcanic resort. Zuko regretted the fact that he suggested it, and they told everyone Zuko came down with a cold in order to cover up the fact that Mai sighed and complained until he gave in. It was, needless to say, humiliating.

After tossing away her luggage, Azula lies down on her bed. It feels nice, although the house on Ember Island was well refurbished. There is a part of her that wants to redecorate her bedroom the way Zuko washed away the memories. Re-stain the floor to cover up the scratch marks from shoving furniture in front of the door, repaint the ceiling an entirely different shade of red and remove the portraits of the Fire Lords she admired.

But although the memories can be painful, she often wants some semblance of familiarity. Ty Lee rips something off of the wall. It tears away like cheap parchment, and not ornate pictures in untouched frames. Azula once had butterflies on her walls, made of paper. Her father burned them and replaced them with a map of the world. It still hangs there, though Azula never took a liking to geography.

"Why did you do that?" Azula demands sharply, not quite offended but not pleased either.

"You know, this is the only thing you ever put on your wall that wasn't some kind of heirloom," Ty Lee says, tossing Azula the sheet of paper. It was tucked in the corner, in the shadows, buried behind a fake plant. She looks at it.

"Hmph." It's a crude painting by a street artist. She and Ty Lee and Mai at twelve.

"We had this done before Mai moved away," Ty Lee says, as if Azula does not know. Azula shrugs.

"It's actually kind of flattering," Azula says, squinting at it. The paper is decaying and smells of dust. There is a newfound tear in the top from where Ty Lee ripped it off of the nail. "Why are you pointing this out? It's been up for nearly a decade."

A brief silence. Ty Lee looks uncomfortable, but finally, says, "Because we left you."

"It's not like I cared," Azula says with a small shrug. "You wanted to pursue your dreams of _stardom _and Mai's parents were clawing at political power. And I was being readied to be Fire Lord someday. It happened. So what?"

"So you have abandonment issues," Ty Lee says and Azula rolls her eyes melodramatically.

"Stop trying to pick apart my head. I am what I am. My metamorphosis is complete. I'm finally the girl everybody wants me to be. Let's just enjoy wedded bliss, or whatever." Azula picks up the blankets with her scarred toes and tosses them into her hand. She pulls off her dress and drags the comforter over her body. "It's late. We've been travelling _all _day. Maybe you can try to diagnose my psychosis in the morning."

"You have a lot of excuses, Azula," Ty Lee says, sitting on the windowsill. Azula lets the painting fall out of her hand. It flutters to the floor. The girls land face down.

"I'm clever." She yawns pointedly. "Look, I didn't mean to ruin or honeymoon or anything. If I did, I apologize. Better?"

"You may be reformed, but you're still you," Ty Lee says.

"You fell in love with a monster. Just because I filed down my fangs doesn't mean I've forgotten how to bite." Azula clenches her fist and the fire in the lamp goes out. Ty Lee remembers when Azula said that on their first date. It was funny then, but now it seems like a diversion tactic.

"You should talk to your mother," Ty Lee says softly, crawling into the bed next to Azula. Azula moves her lips towards her wife, but Ty Lee presses her finger against them. "I kept thinking on Ember Island that you were unhappy because of how I left you twice."

"I really didn't care," Azula says, pausing and licking Ty Lee's finger. Ty Lee pulls away, seeming intent on finishing this conversation. It is an uncomfortable inconvenience to Princess Azula. "Look, I was hung up on our honeymoon because getting married was admitting I was deciding against my old ways."

_That doesn't count as a lie, does it?_

Ty Lee sighs. It sounds oddly sweet, but also stabs Azula like a knife.

"Most of my guilt comes from leaving you. I thought I could make up for it by quitting the Kyoshi Warriors to dedicate myself to you─"

"So you regret our marriage?" Azula is surprised at the vehemence in her voice. Ty Lee's lower lip trembles slightly, but she regains her composure.

"Our relationship has never been pleasant. But I _do _love you." It feels halfhearted, but Azula may just be paranoid. "I'm done making up for my past with you. But sometimes I still think about it and regret it more than anything. You on our honeymoon just made me think about that. I kept _regretting it_."

"I used you to protect me from my own knee-jerk actions in Ba Sing Se. We used each other. But I like to think it turned out for the best," Azula says earnestly. Ty Lee feels slightly more at ease. "You were my human shield. But when I asked you to marry me, I meant it. My speech at our wedding, I meant it."

"I know. Do you forgive me for the Boiling Rock?" Her voice is small and childlike. Azula hesitates.

"Of course," Azula lies, trying to convince herself it is true. But it was entirely that _one _action by the girl she kindled a relationship with that unraveled her. She would be Fire Lord if it weren't for that pure act of betrayal.

"There's nothing worse than what I did to you," Ty Lee says and Azula begs to differ.

"What we did to that Earth Kingdom mayor was infinitely worse," Azula says airily, trying to detach herself from the way the conversation is veering.

"You of all people should know that there are things worse than physical pain." Hesitance. "Azula, I let you believe you were loved and wanted, and then revealed it was just a sham. I mean... it _wasn't _a sham, but I felt like that was what you thought. You must've thought."

Azula risked her father's wrath by sleeping with Ty Lee.

[X]

_"I wanted to talk to you." They lean in the shadows of the dusty palace hallway. It is the day after their first time, and Azula had screamed at Ty Lee and told her that the throne was more important than their slowly kindled romance. "I'm sorry."_

_Silence. "Don't apologize. We did it and we wanted to and there's no changing it."_

_"You're not angry?"_

_Azula chews on her lip slightly. Her eyes flit around, as if she is expecting eavesdroppers. "I would do it again."_

_Ty Lee blushes and then tries to will her cheeks to stop. Azula smirks, looking relatively smug and genuinely wicked._

_"You seemed really... pissed..." Ty Lee has no better words than that. "You looked like you were going to shoot lightning through my face or something. If you don't want to be together, just tell me."_

_Silence. The moment could not be more awkward._

_And then Azula leans forward and kisses Ty Lee on the lips._

[X]

"I led you on more than you led me on," Azula says, toying with the silky blankets.

"You envisioned us together." Silence.

"Of course not," Azula lies, thinking of her broken promise to Ty Lee after she proposed. "It was teenage love and we were both incredibly bad at it. It wasn't a healthy relationship. It _was _a sham."

It was not. The nights in Ba Sing Se, the days in the Fire Nation, the stolen kisses and confusion and lies and deceit and sexual obsession. A childhood crush Ty Lee was too afraid to admit. A first kiss as Ty Lee left for the circus, but Azula never mentioned again, and Ty Lee knew better than to say anything. The ship ride home after the Avatar was slain and the war won, when Ty Lee crept into the captain's quarters where Azula slept, and asked her when she first lied to a woman, before promptly returning to servitude.

Their relationship was not a sham.

But they _were _bad at loving.

"When you came to get me from the circus, you were different."

"Time changes people."

"I'm sorry."

Azula turns away. Ty Lee feels cold as she sleeps beside the woman she feels she scorned. But Azula has done just as terrible things.

Now they are married. It should be absolute bliss, but it only seems to accentuate their flawed feelings.

The dream about the dance has become recurring. Almost every night. Fire. Broken glass. A circus freak. Three of the ingredients that make up a very jumbled Azula.

She wakes up and looks at Ty Lee. She is fast asleep, even after she tried to apologize for actions that cannot be changed.

Azula gets up, gets dressed and goes for a walk. But this time, she is not accompanied by shuffling feet of guards. This time, she sneaks through the window, grappling down. It is raining, well, _drizzling_. A few drops touch Azula, but she is not _wet_.

The princess is dressed fully, made-up. She has no clue where she is going, but she needs to breathe. At night, her breath is shorter, smaller. It constricts without the sun. She meanders her way to the front gate of the palace.

"Are you running away?" Mother. Ugh. Azula's fingers smoke in anger as she hears Ursa's voice.

"Like mother like daughter," Azula replies smoothly. She does not turn around, but she does not open the gate. "How did you know I was out here?"

"I didn't. I was... getting away," Ursa says with a shrug. Their eyes lock and Azula wonders if there could be any way she and her mother could relate to each other.

Silence.

And Ursa continues in a gentle voice with, "It seems like you are too. Nightmares, huh?"

"Maybe," is Azula's response.

Ursa gestures for her to come inside and Azula finds that she cannot bring herself to refuse.


	24. stumble

chapter twenty-four: stumble

* * *

"_It's a wonder I'm even alive. Sometimes I think that. I think that I can't believe I haven't killed myself. But there's something in me that just keeps going on. I think it has something to do with tomorrow, that there is always one, and that everything can change when it comes." _

_\- Running With Scissors, Augusten Burroughs -_

* * *

_Fourteen years ago, Azula examines the atlas, intrigued by the full color pictures. They are some of the most accurate you can get, all measurements to scale, all cities both Earth Kingdom and Fire Nation labeled. Even temples tucked in the corners and the icebergs of the poles laid out._

_She is not supposed to be reading it._

_"Azula if your grandfather sees you with that, you're going to be in trouble." Mother grabs Azula's arm. Familiar fingers._

_"I'm not even smudging it. I'm not sticky like Zuko," Azula snaps fiercely in her tiny voice, wriggling free and picking up the atlas. She clutches it to her chest, dodging her mother's reaches for it. Her lessons in combat serve her well against the taller, stronger woman._

_"Azula, just... please," Ursa says, holding one hand out expectantly. Azula weighs her odds. She hands over the atlas, not wanting to surrender._

_"Well, you're a bitch," Azula says. She is five. And Ursa looks like she has just been slapped, slack jawed and rosy._

_"I'm a what, young lady?" Ursa's eyes are wide and her lips are angrily curled._

_"You heard me." And Azula runs away. Ursa is after her. She grabs Azula by the scruff of her neck like a kitten and spins her around._

_"Where did you hear that word?" Lividness in her pretty eyes. Azula frowns._

_"What word?" Azula replies, and suddenly she feels an alien and searing pain in her face._

_Her mother_ hit _her._

[X]

The rain is starting to pour harder, pounding against the roof of the palace. Azula hates two things: water and night. They make her feel _weak_. When it rains in the Fire Nation, it is always torrential. It is incredibly unpleasant, and Azula glances at the gate, then back at her mother. She purses her lips, her lower jaw jutting slightly in a pout.

"Why don't you come inside and have some tea?" Ursa offers feebly, expecting Azula to say no.

"If you insist." And Azula follows her mother inside.

Azula reluctantly heats the tea. Lonely matches lie at the edge of the small table, but she can use her fingertips. They are in a little used room; perfect to be alone and ashamed in. The rain batters the palace outside. Azula feels strange, as she has for days now.

"How was your honeymoon?" Ursa inquires, as if she cares. Azula pauses a moment. Maybe she does care.

"It was alright," Azula says, smelling the tea. Green tea. Not citrus; perhaps mother knows one or two things about her. "We went to the beach. And had sex. And other things I suppose society says couples must do."

"I shouldn't have said you should never love," Ursa says, touching Azula's hand. Azula pulls away instantly, slipping through her mother's fingers. "I think you do love her."

"Well, that's what I've been saying for some time now," Azula says, swallowing. She knows she must keep control. If she has no control... she does not know what else to do. _Restraint_.

Silence. Azula pours herself a cup of tea and leaves a few drops for her mother, even to the point of overfilling hers. It is the little things, they both suppose. Azula's little rebellions against her father consisted of locked doors she would open on the first knock, of training to surpass _him_ instead of to please him. But for her mother, she makes them more blatant.

"You don't always say what you mean." Ursa's words are bitter and laced with condescension.

"I could say the same about you," Azula purrs in response.

Impasse. They sit in silence, Ursa sipping her tea slowly, Azula not noticing the burn as her plethora of tea laps onto her hands. It is uncomfortable, to say the least.

"I wasn't a bad mother." Ursa says it with a ferocity Azula is unaccustomed to. It nearly knocks her off of her pedestal, but Azula steadies herself mentally.

"You thought another family was better than us. You hated father. You were controlling─"

"You were oppositional, Azula. I was the only person who didn't treat you as a demigod, and so you spat on me. You know why I was ─ as you put it ─ controlling? Because I was _parenting _you, when everyone else groveled. Even Fire Lord Azulon treated you as something more than a child. So you said cruel things. You did what you weren't supposed to," Ursa tries to explain, getting tired of her daughter's accusations.

"All children are like that," Azula snaps, splashing even more tea on herself. This time, she feels the burn.

"But other children are disciplined by their parents," Ursa says too calmly, and Azula is enraged.

"You want me to be like Mai? Is that it?" Azula purrs, but she is slipping. She dries the tea dripping from her hand on her skirt.

"I loved you. I did. And I loved you so much that I wanted to teach you how to behave. Like _any parent would_. You weren't the kind of child who liked to be told what to do. I know that you were smarter than most adults as a toddler. Reading books the size of your body and firebending at a young age. You were mature. I understand that. So you took what was typical guidance as offensive domineering."

"But you _coddled _Zuko. When were you ever there for me when I wasn't pissing you off?" Azula demands. The teacup shatters. The kettle whistles, the flames under it growing rapidly out of control. Ursa smothers the flame with dishtowel. Azula restrains herself. "I used to have nightmares every night."

Azula recalls dreaming horrifying things. And she remembers trying to soothe herself when her adrenaline surged through a young body. Her first memories are of dreams; not of reality. Vaguely, in the backdrop of these memories, are lullabies. But she always figured she imagined them, in her mother's voice, her mind taunting her.

"You weren't alone. I used to sing you back to sleep," Ursa says quietly, her eyes now brimming with tears.

"I think I'd remember such a thing," Azula snaps, her tongue dripping with sweet venom. But Ursa stands her ground.

"I'm not afraid of you. I wasn't afraid of you. That is the _only _reason you hated me as a child. You slammed twenty-four doors in my face. You screamed, 'I hate you' nearly one hundred times by the time you were nine. It all mattered to me."

Silence. The sheer quiet is deafening. Azula does not know what to say.

"Parents play favorites," Azula says softly. The tone instantly changes at her command. "And I always thought I got the better one. I didn't. Everybody who hated father hated me. Saw me as an extension of him."

Azula stops talking. She has already revealed too much and berates herself mentally for it. Ursa stands mute, lips loose but sealed shut. Silence. So much silence that Azula just wants to _roar _in a blast of cerulean.

"And children play favorites too," is Ursa's final reply. "I never hated you. I never thought you were a monster."

Azula scoffs. "And you almost had me with the _children play favorites_. You rejected me as soon as I became more than a thoughtless feelingless infant. My personality enraged something inside of you that did not want to acknowledge that I came from your womb. That you gave birth to a monster. I was born to replace Zuko because even as a toddler he disappointed Fire Lord Azulon. You loved Zuko and therefore saw me as something you never wanted."

Silence. Silence. Silence.

"You're right." Ursa hates to admit it. She did feel that way about her child. When the girl would be so antagonistic. She was hard to handle and unapologetic about it. It was frightening. She was a miniature killer. And Ursa only made that furious fire worse. "I was forced to bear you. I didn't want to have you... but your father forced me. But... I grew to love you. The moment I held you in my arms, I knew I loved you."

Azula did not know that Ursa was forced to carry her by Ozai, and it explains much. But Azula ignores the answer, not wanting to blame her father for what is her mother's fault.

"But I think you were wrong." Everything changes in that instant. "I'm not a monster. I'm not. My pursuit of perfection was monstrous. But I... I only realize now when you throw this in my face that I'd rather be a flawed human than a perfect monster."

Azula feels queasy. She stands up, but she is not finished. Ursa is surprised at the _life _in Azula's tone. There was no purr of a haunting echo of a human, a tiger-wolf in koala-sheep's clothing. She was real. She was there and alive and _honest_.

[X]

_Six years ago, on the ship back from Ba Sing Se, _"_It's too cold," Ty Lee says softly, staring at the bed and waiting for an invitation. Azula purses her lips._

_"I told you that it was cold at sea," Azula says softly, crossing her legs. "You want to sleep here, don't you?"_

_"We did in Ba Sing Se," Ty Lee whispers, her heart racing. Azula twists her lips in thought._

_"People will wonder," Azula admits, afraid of the news spreading to her father. He is the only thing he fears, because he is the only one who can decide if she will have the throne or not. The crime of assumed sexual activity is by far less severe than Zuko's multitude of fuck ups, but Azula does not risk her father's rage at all costs._

_"No one has to know," Ty Lee says softly, again neglecting that Azula is in charge of her. Slowly, Azula lies down and pats the bed next to her. Ty Lee jumps onto the mattress, displacing Azula slightly. "Why can't you sleep?"_

_Azula does not respond for a moment. "Adrenaline?" she offers. It sounds possible._

_"It was pretty exciting. That was like, the perfect climax after all of our-your work," Ty Lee says blithely as Azula closes her eyes. Ty Lee pulls the blankets more tightly over them, shivering slightly. Azula wants to touch her for a moment, but thinks better of it. They both have given each other too many mixed signals._

_They lie there in silence. Azula still cannot sleep, and Ty Lee cannot either._

_"Can I ask you something?" Ty Lee whispers and Azula shrugs._

_"It will pass the time." Slight sigh. Pointed. Effective._

_"When was the first time you ever lied to a woman? Other than your mother, of course," Ty Lee asks sweetly and Azula is startled._

[X]

"You've yet to prove that, Azula." Ursa sounds fierce. They both are doing inexplicable things when confronted with each other.

"I don't know what else I'm supposed to do. You're not on my list of people to make amends with. I even apologized and danced with the Avatar and his friends at my wedding." Before she slunk off for a very early wedding night. "But you will never be on that list."

"So I'm expected to be apologetic, and you aren't."

"I never wronged you. I never did. No more than talking back and being insolent. I lied. I cheated during family games. I was a morally questionable little thing and you wanted to quench my fire. But I could have loved you." Azula does not know if she believes her words or not, but they are making a clear impact on her mother. She _thrives _on it.

"You wanted me to love you like your father did?" Ursa asks, her tone quavering. She sounds about to cry and Azula loves it. "He saw you as an object."

"You saw me as a curse," Azula snarls, saliva dripping from her mouth from the vivacity of her words.

"You can't possibly... Azula, you can't think that he really loved you more than I did."

"And that's why you think I can't possibly love my wife. Because father couldn't love you. He _loved _me."

"He sent you into the world as a child to claim Zuko! He never gave you a childhood. No toys because of training. Your friends are such talented warriors because the only way he would let you see them was if they were training with you. And you say I controlled you?"

"He saw my potential and I am _the greatest firebender who ever lived_. His methods of not allowing toys or friends or distractions or late nights and naps or any of that bullshit were unconventional, but they made me a supernova."

"He made you a monster."

"So you say it? So you _finally _say it." Azula laughs mirthlessly.

Silence. Silence. Azula sits back down. Silence. Silence.

"Azula, I left. I shouldn't have, I suppose. I distanced myself from you because I didn't know how to parent you. I truly didn't. Mature, intelligent but also completely out of line at all times with no respect for authority. I didn't know how to deal with that. Zuko was easier. He was."

"And so you accept that I love father more than I will ever love you."

"I left. But when I left, he stole everything from you. Everything that made you _human_."

Azula does not respond. "I'm trying to become human. I am." Honesty that Ursa sees as something intended to incite an argument.

"He _raped _you. For _years_."

And Azula walks away. She lights two fingers on both hands and runs them along the tapestries on the walls. They sever clean, charred and burned. Her nostrils fill with the scent of ash and stem the flow of the tears that are blossoming in her eyes. She will _never _let her mother see her as weak.

"Stop it." Ursa walks behind her, as if she has any power over her daughter. It only hurts when Azula laughs.

"Fuck off!" Azula stops the flames, turning around to look at the carnage. Ursa is still standing there. She is not even moved by the priceless history burning at her feet.

"I love you, Azula."

"I will _never _forgive you. And you will _never _forgive. Because deep down, you don't think I can change." And Azula is gone.

[X]

_Three years ago, Ursa confronts her ex-husband._

_"Are you sure you want to confront him, mother?" Zuko asks as they walk towards the prison. She swallows. Maybe she doesn't._

_"I feel like I have to," Ursa says. They open the door._

_They walk in and Ursa feels sick immediately. So far he has fallen. But she has to do this; she has to. She has not seen him since the night she killed Azulon to save Zuko. And now she must face him, as Zuko does not. As she assumes Azula will eventually, once she finally gets her way. She is trying to liberate Azula at all costs, but those she pained carry their scars with them to this day._

_And they carry the scars of Ozai to this day. She wonders if Azula does too. She wonders what happened to Azula once she and Zuko were both gone. She imagined, fancifully, that her children would look out for each other. That some primal instinct would set in and they would care for each other. But Ozai cut that short quickly by banishing Zuko. Burning him._

_He always hated his son._

_"Hello." Ursa's voice has a malice in it that she has never heard before._

_"I wasn't expecting anyone. But I particularly wasn't expecting you," Ozai rasps. Ursa feels oddly... in control._

_"Why did you do that to Zuko?" Ursa demands. Silence._

_"To be honest, if I were you, I would be more concerned about our daughter. What became of her after she lost it?" Ozai asks cavalierly and Ursa is filled with an alien rage. She was always compassionate and sensitive. But that angers her._

_"I'm trying to get her out of prison. I wasn't around when they threw her in there and I want her out," Ursa says defensively. It is... partially true. She has made attempts, but she has been more occupied trying to make up for lost time with her son. In fact, she does not know what has become of Azula aside from being in prison. "They put her in an asylum and she... she killed a lot of people trying to get out. It was their only choice, even if I disagree with it."_

_It is not a life sentence. Five years after they did try to help her. It was to help her and she turned it into a massacre. That disturbs Ursa; she tries to avoid an image of Azula murdering her way out of an asylum. And now she is in prison for five years, and then Zuko says he and Aang will figure out the next step. Does Ursa think prison is the right place for her sixteen year old daughter? No. She will get Azula out before five years. She will._

_"What was her sentence?" Ozai truly does not know._

_"Five years."_

_"She'll live." He sounds so certain._

_"So why should I be more concerned about her, when I'm coming here asking why you burned and banished a thirteen year old?" Ursa asks, eyeing him with displeasure._

_"Because when Azula was thirteen I was fucking her."_

[X]

Azula cries in Ty Lee's arms, telling her of her mother. It feels even worse and more gut-wrenching than the night she confessed that her father abused her. Ty Lee thinks momentarily that reparations can be made with Ursa. But perhaps they cannot.

They hold onto each other all night, and Ty Lee strokes the princess's raven hair. And for a long time, not a word is spoken. Ty Lee wants to fight. To tell Azula she is wrong to scorn Ursa. But she does not want to see Azula break again. Never again. Because Ty Lee blames herself, and she seems to never be able to stop the impenetrable guilt.

After Azula wakes up, she immediately goes out.

Azula meanders through the city, examining the lights with distaste. Although the rapid development has slowed, the sky is still dark with smog. She wants to go visit her father.

"Princess," the leader of the guards says, one hand on fire and the other on his sword, "you're not permitted to see former Fire Lord Ozai again."

She wants to be angry about it. But maybe it is for the best.

"Then I suppose we'll go get drunk," Azula purrs.

Her guard is at her side and she thinks about how she will always be in a prison without bars. Being Zuko's ward is more humiliating than being in the Broiling Rock. She hears the whispers, same thing, _"There's the princess." _But this time it is different.

Something collides with Azula's side and it feels like an attack from a rogue earthbender. But when she turns around, she sees a kid around thirteen years old. A girl. Dark hair, big brown eyes. The kid is throwing rocks at her and she wills her hands to light up, but they do not.

Another kid beside her. He throws another rock that Azula deflects. _Now _she is going to kill one of them.

"Monster!" the child shouts and the guards push on Azula, moving her forward. Their force overpowers her, as she knows that enacting her desire will only screw her.

Another rock. Azula dodges as the guard surrounds her. She contemplates ending the children's lives as she hears the insults they spray with youthful mouths. _Children, they know nothing of the war. _But she spares them.

And she takes a long bath, examining the bruises from the rocks her own subjects threw at her.

Monsters. She thinks a lot about monsters. Azula was never afraid of monsters.

Because she was one.

Ty Lee walks in on Azula. She finds herself exposed in the bath, though the water is above anything but her bruised arms and legs. Azula contemplates hiding the marks of the assault, but she does not.

"It's four in the morning, why are you...?" Ty Lee does not finish her sentence.

"Join me," Azula purrs, her thoughts swirling. Ty Lee strips off her clothes, wordlessly complying. The water displaces when the acrobat slips in, sending it up towards Azula's neck. Ty Lee touches one of the bruises. "Those are nothing." Lies.

"Did you go see your father?" Ty Lee asks, leaning against the opposite stone wall of the bathtub. The water is far too hot for her, but she does not say anything. It is almost scalding.

"No," Azula says honestly. Of course, she thought about it, but she was too afraid.

"You're acting like you did." Ty Lee receives no response, not even an expression. "You're still upset about your mother."

Ty Lee looks at the bruises and knows that Azula was lying to her. It offends her to the soul, but she does not say anything. Azula has broken her promise many times already and all Ty Lee can do is remind herself that Azula is not good at keeping promises.

"I've been upset about my mother for a _long _time. I was happier when I thought she was dead," Azula says, shrugging. Her shoulders glisten in the candlelight.

"She was the one who shortened your prison sentence."

"By suggesting that the Avatar remove my bending. I find her to be a despicable woman and that isn't going to change." Azula seems firmer about the matter than ever.

Ty Lee sighs.

Azula was never afraid of monsters.

Ty Lee was.

[X]

"Azula, sometimes I just don't know with you," Ty Lee sighs. They have been bickering for some time now. "You just won't stand down. I understand that you're angry at your mother. I understand that. Your fight was bad. But I can't possibly comprehend why you can just forgive and be forgiven and not even try to understand her."

"Well, I'm right. She's wrong." Azula purrs, her arms crossed tightly over her chest. She sits on the bed as Ty Lee unpacks both of their things and puts them away. Although Ty Lee is a now a princess, Azula still thinks she can order her around like a servant. And, oddly enough, the acrobat complies.

"Those bruises last night were from your father weren't they?" Ty Lee accuses and Azula's eyes flash. "You didn't even bother to hide you were lying to me!"

"I _wasn't _lying!" There is nothing Azula hates more than being accused of lying when she was not. It is a bit _ironic_, she knows, but she absolutely loathes it. And the idea of her wife doing it to her is more offensive than an enemy.

"Just tell me the truth! Tell me where those bruises were from!" Ty Lee cannot see why Azula does not want to be _helped_. All Ty Lee wants is to help free her from the shadows, but she keeps singing the damned song she knows.

It escalates. Words flying like flames, but more vicious, burning and biting than any of Azula's kills. It comes out of nowhere, foolish, ridiculous.

Ty Lee only wants to make Azula's pain go away. When she came back from arguing with her mother she cried for hours and hours. All the fucking circus freak fucking desires is to heal the scars... the endless scars. The ones on the inside that nobody even knew were there until they cracked Azula in half. Like pressure points being hit one by one until the body is disabled.

And in the bath... the bruises... must have been from Ozai. There is no other explanation in Ty Lee's mind. The only logical place for Azula to slip off to is to her father, and the guard informed Ty Lee that they are only allowed to report to Zuko.

Azula was so close to the turning point. And whatever happened with Ursa; Ty Lee just wants it to go away. And so they fight. Azula will always win even though Ty Lee is right. It is sick.

"Newlyweds are not supposed to fight like people who've been married for twenty years!" Ty Lee is screaming. Her eyes swim with tears that Azula conjured.

Heart racing. "Maybe we shouldn't have gotten married then!"

"I wish I hadn't." Ty Lee is throwing things as Azula stands in a defensive stance. She knows she is killing herself with her words, but she cannot back down. Princess Azula does not back down. "You're your father! You are and you always will be!"

Azula chokes and then icily purrs, "You don't mean that."

_"Why did you drop me?" screams the voice of the Ty Lee in her nightmare._

"I just... we'll work it out another time." Ty Lee turns around. "You're... you. I love you, princess, but.."

And Azula grabs her, sharp fingernails digging into bare skin. "But what? What's not to love? I gave up _everything _for you."

"You gave up sulking in your room like a little bitch!" Ty Lee screams, shoving Azula off of her. Ty Lee's skin rips, red claw marks appearing where Azula was holding her. Azula collides with her half-emptied suitcase. "I pulled you out and picked you up and defended you! Don't act like some kind of fucking martyr! After all you've put me through! You would act like you loved me but you wouldn't admit it! I wasn't good enough until you were out of options, Azula!"

Stunned speechless. Golden eyes wide. Lips moving but no sound coming out.

"I _endure _your company," Azula purrs, vicious. She takes a deep breath and assumes the role of the ice cold monster. It suits her best. "It's not like I really loved you anyway."

"Save it! You loved me _long_ before I loved you! And you broke my heart so many fucking times!"

"Then why do you stay anyway? Just leave! If you hate me so much, just fucking leave!" Azula shouts, her voice regal, imperial, demanding, overcompensating for how small she feels right now.

Ty Lee is expressionless for a moment. "If that's what you want."

And she turns on her heel. Azula stands, firm in her argument. Before she recalls Ty Lee running away across the ocean. She dashes down the hall.

"Ty Lee, come back, please!" Azula is screaming and her words are not heard. Her wife has flown away, crying. And she chases through the halls after a ghost. "Please come back!"

The acrobat is gone. And Azula crumbles against the wall, sitting down and curling into a ball. She has ruined her life entirely now. Why can she not love something without hurting it? Perhaps she cannot love. Maybe... just maybe.

"Azula, I saw her come by." Zuko. He looks painfully worried. She hates his protectivism of her that he developed when she became his ward. She quickly wipes any semblance of emotion from her face.

"It's nothing, ZuZu," she says, standing up slowly. He certainly does not believe it, but she has a twisted gleam in her eye that makes him not dare question her. "She'll be back. She can't live without me. She's like a parasite."

And Azula heads to her bedroom, locking the door behind her and telling the guards she is taking a long bath. But as soon as she draws the water, she climbs out of the window.

As Ty Lee cries hysterically to Mai's blank stare, Azula walks, alone, without guards, into the prison. They are outside of her bedroom door, quite far away. She slunk through the night, not missing a step. Nobody noticed her disappearance. It is time to face the man whose face she disfigured.

She feels like she has a fever. Her throat is sore and her vision is slightly fuzzy.

She unlocks the door and illuminates the room in blue. Ozai looks oddly dignified, despite the bandages on his face. He was certainly not expecting her.

"How was your honeymoon, little princess?" he asks, scathing, growling. Azula walks to him and slides down, sitting in her familiar place.

"Blissful," she says earnestly. "But things aren't good anymore."

"Getting married is fun; being married is not," Ozai remarks with a small, smug smile and Azula swallows. Perhaps he is right.

"I'm not worthy of her. Not yet." Azula has such severity in her tone. Her eyes are haunted. She is beautifully vulnerable, and Ozai can take her to the end now.

"Did you two fight?" Ozai asks, touching the bars. His fingers brush against her skin and she, strangely, allows it. Azula is swirling downwards, and he will force her to the top while she is loose and malleable.

"I hurt her. I... I need her and I can't have her and I _must_. I want her. I want to give her the world. Literally." Azula sits on her knees, locking eyes with her father. Only one of them is visible, but she gazes intently. Her look gives him chills. And the little princess dances right into his clutches. "You became Fire Lord, although Iroh was older than you. And... your offer..."

"You want it all. I thought that the circus freak was bad news for you, but she just showed you the light." He touches her hair. "You can do it on your own Azula. Take the throne. Rule the world with her at your side." He twists the raven locks in his fingers, and she chews on her lip, ignorant of it.

"It's what I was born to do." Azula has heard it said to her a thousand times, but only now does it make sense. "I met with the New Ozai Society. Or, they found me."

"The New Ozai Society?" Ozai slips his fingers to her shoulder and slowly, he pulls down her sleeve, exposing her pale clavicle.

"They consider me an idol. An icon. People would support me as ruler. I thought I didn't need it... but maybe I do." He slips her shirt down, finally exposing the rest of her. Azula chokes slightly, hesitating, not knowing if she should pull back. His eyes linger on her breasts, the way her nipples harden from the cold.

His face is closer than he has dared to be, particularly since she burned him. He has his hands on her arm, although his fingertips desire to feel the rest of her. They are close and he is close to winning her over.

"Think about it," he murmurs, stroking her wrist. "Fire Lord Azula, and her bride."

Azula likes the idea. "You think it can happen?" Whispered. Frantic.

"I know you can do it," Ozai says. He snakes his hands upwards, to her breast. She tenses. He waits for her to run, or to burn him again, but she doesn't. She is like a young girl again; whatever the circus freak said has greatly upset her.

He fondles her and she is breathless, pressing and watching her eyes flicker. The flames in the palm of her hand go out as he presses his lips against hers hungrily. She wants to bite him, wants to fight, wants to hurt him, but she feels broken and twisted again. His cock hardens and he guides her hand to it with excitement pulsing through his chest.

Azula strokes it, rubbing, and feeling sick. He moans faintly as she caresses it and runs her fingers along the shaft. She starts to pull away, thinking of Ty Lee and her love for her and how her father has hurt Azula before. But he grabs her wrist and pulls her back, needing her to continue.

Azula hates herself in ways she never has before. Princess Azula is not _perfect_. And she fears she never will be.

He comes at last, a low moan escaping his lips. He had almost forgot what the touch of a woman felt like.

And Azula stands up, as he releases her, adjusting his pants as she hides her tears. She walks out of the prison, stopping on her way out to vomit. Her stomach convulses as she spews lime green all over her shoes.

She crumbles before she manages to make it back home to the palace.


	25. hallucinations

chapter twenty-five: hallucinations

* * *

_"Shadows cannot see themselves in the mirror of the sun."  
\- Eva Peron -  
_

* * *

"Azula, you can't just sneak out like that." Ty Lee is waiting for her as she climbs through the window. Azula looks chalky and ill, and Ty Lee takes her by the arm and leads her to the bed. "Are you okay?"

After meeting with her father, she wandered in a stupor through the city. She probably drew attention to herself, and she threw up twice more. And now she shakes with the lack of any nourishment in her body, and the thoughts in her mind.

"You didn't tell the guards I was gone, did you?" Azula says breathlessly. She looks towards the door and Ty Lee shakes her head.

"Of course not. Our fight escalated quickly. We just had a lot of nerves. I was really worried." Ty Lee sits down next to Azula, taking her hand.

"You were right though," Azula says and Ty Lee is startled. It is not something that Azula would usually admit. "I'm not worthy of you."

"That's ridiculous," Ty Lee snaps, surprised at her own vehemence. But Azula simply shrugs, lying down on her back. She looks wounded and Ty Lee does not know what to do to help her. "You're slipping. It was just one fight. You're so melodramatic sometimes, princess."

Azula swallows. Ty Lee is right, but Azula will not admit that she is wrong. Maybe it is a terrible idea; her father's influence should have faded.

_And in this dream, Azula becomes Fire Lord, Zuko dies, she gets the girl and..._

"I'm sorry that I... Look, I'm just sorry in so many ways. I know that I'm terrible. Everybody thinks I'm a monster and they're right," Azula says, the invisible barrier over her rosy lips breaking. "Please don't... please don't leave me. Or maybe you should. Maybe you should."

"You're not perfect, princess."

Silence.

Ty Lee continues with, "Nobody is. It was a really silly argument. I was annoyed that you won't admit you're wrong and we get on each other's nerves sometimes. It just flew out of hand. Escalated. It was _minute_. Don't worry."

"Nobody's perfect," Azula murmurs, though Ty Lee's forgiveness feels halfhearted. "I told you that I would rather be a perfect monster than a flawed human. I don't think that anymore."

Ty Lee perks up, leaning towards Azula. She has never seen... such vulnerability. Even when Azula cried, she did not reveal so much of herself. Ty Lee touches her, wanting to make this moment tangible.

_Some moments change everything. One split second and your life is never the same. This is one of those moments._

"I would love you if you were a perfect monster and I would love you if you were the most flawed human there was. I hope you know that."

"You're really not the brightest candle in the bunch, are you?" Azula whispers, smirking. Ty Lee laughs. "Of all of the people; I mean, people line up to get with you. And you want the crazy Fire Nation princess."

"You keep me on my toes." Kiss. Upside down kiss. Kiss on the navel.

"I'm not worthy."

Ty Lee silences her with another kiss. Azula swallows the lump in her throat as she caves into the sexual desire.

_Not worthy._

_Moments like these._

_Monsters._

The fight remains in their bones, in their every movement. They sleep with their backs facing each other, as far apart as the Northern and Southern Water Tribes, even after the passionate sex and teasing words. Azula tries not to cry. She has only been married for two weeks and she has already ruined it permanently.

Broken. Shattered. Tormented hearts.

_"You could never love, Azula."_

_"Why did you drop me?"_

_"Your one true love was always the throne of the Fire Nation."_

_"My mother thought I was a monster. She was right of course, but it still hurt."_

Broken. Shattered. Tormented hearts.

Azula sits up, rubbing her temples. Ty Lee seems unfazed by the idea that some things could explode like that. It was the silliest argument and it was the one little piece that had to fall into Azula's puzzle. That quick fight based on foolish things was what Azula needed to prod her in the direction of her destiny.

Ty Lee sleeps peacefully, naked. Azula looks at the scar on her back and feels even sicker. She touches it hesitantly. Her thoughts flash to her father. To her mother. Child. Adult. Thirteen. Over and over. Memories play unwanted, undesired, behind jaded and icy golden eyes.

She watches Ty Lee sleep until the sun comes up.

_Not worthy._

She has to find the resistance. Or do _something_. Perhaps it is better to work alone. She does not know anymore. She simply does not.

[X]

_They are on their way to the Broiling Rock. It is inevitable that they must seize Zuko, and presumably publicly execute him. Ty Lee worries about Mai's feelings getting in the way, but she worries twice as much about her feelings for Azula clouding her judgment. Mai is already there, and Ty Lee has this sinking sensation that things are going downhill._

_The wind billows around the warship. Azula is pacing, picking at her skin until it bleeds as she seems lost in her thoughts. Ty Lee is breathing shallowly._

_"Can you tell me something?" Ty Lee asks abruptly and Azula shrugs. She is suddenly very in the moment. "Just answer yes or no."_

_"Okay." Azula crosses her arms. Finishing off Zuko and claiming the throne is much more important than this meaningless bullshit, but if she must._

_"You love me. Yes or no."_

_Silence. "No."_

_Liar. Azula always lies. Liar._

[X]

"Azula," Ty Lee murmurs, wrapping her arms around her wife. One leg rests over Azula's lap. She has obscene flexibility. "You're really upset, aren't you? I said things I shouldn't have."

"I was always worse," Azula whispers. Ty Lee is genuinely worried, her heart in her throat. "Some people are just born monsters."

"You weren't," Ty Lee whispers, touching Azula's mouth. The princess sits there like a statue with a thousand yard stare. "What's happening to you? Ever since we got back you've been bristly."

_My father touched me. My wife hates me. I scorn everybody who tries to be kind to me. Those people, those subjects of mine, threw rocks at me. My father owns me and my body. I'm never going to be able to love you like you love me._

"I'm fine."

_"I heard the most common lie is, I'm fine," Ty Lee breathes to Azula. The third day after Ty Lee knocked on Azula's door and changed her life._

_"Did you hear me say that?" Bitter._

"You're not fine," Ty Lee whispers, breaking free of Azula. She turns the princess to face her. "We love each other and that's all that matters. You've redeemed yourself."

"My uncle said that my redemption is on me, not on how other people view me," Azula says, remembering his words at the pier. "I don't know if... I'm..." Azula shakes her head.

"You're not perfect. But you're perfect for me," Ty Lee says and Azula wants to melt into her. But she resists.

"I'm just... I think I'm just tired." Azula sighs. And she still cannot tell the truth. "I don't deserve you. I don't deserve the one person who thinks I'm a decent human being."

"What happened to the spoiled princess who thinks she deserves the best of everything." Ty Lee pushes her playfully and she doesn't respond. This is incredibly worrying. Azula has never admitted to these faults without displaying them as objects of pride. Ty Lee feels completely and utterly helpless. And Azula is transforming into something she should not be.

"I'll be worthy of you. Somehow," Azula murmurs, kissing her.

"Answer something for me." Ty Lee says as Azula's shaking hands move to her shirt. Azula pulls back, sitting on her heels. She nods slowly, hesitantly, unlike herself. "Yes or no."

"Okay," Azula says, swallowing.

"Do you love me?"

"Yes." Honesty. "And I was lying every time I said I didn't."

But Ty Lee is still worried. Azula finally fell asleep, but she tosses and turns, sweating. Something happened beyond just their ridiculous, melodramatic silly little fight. She wonders if she has done something wrong. She watches Azula sleep for hours.

Azula turns a little more slowly, murmurs, "Ty Lee."

But she is still asleep. The moment is slightly unnerving.

Hours later, Azula wakes up from the same dream about dancing, thrones, fire and broken glass. Ty Lee is wide awake, staring at her. She feels slightly cold, thinking about what she could have done in her sleep.

"Why were you watching me?" Azula asks, slightly breathless. Ty Lee shrugs, but something about her grin is forced. "Did I... say anything?"

Ty Lee hesitates. To lie or not to lie? "You said my name."

"Oh," Azula murmurs, feeling relieved.

"And something about your father." _Fuck. _"That's where you sneak off to. To see him."

Azula pauses. "Would you like me to give you the world?"

"Don't try to change the subject." Ty Lee sounds severe and Azula's head swims with excuses. Any of them could work, but the real debate is whether she should use them or not. "Don't relapse on me, princess."

"I told you I was fine," Azula insists, though her voice cracks. _Feeble. I can do better than that._

"Just don't... don't relapse. Don't."

As if her words could stop a hurricane. Azula loves her. And that is all she knows to be true.

And Azula will give her the world.

Literally.

[X]

"Have you thought about what I said?" Ozai asks and Azula hesitates. She has. Deeply, constantly, incessantly, his words floating around like butterflies in her brain. It makes so much sense to her, and she cannot help but be tempted. Some paths are easier to walk than others.

But what he did to her. That haunts her. Makes her queasy. Coming back here was more about masochism than usurping the throne.

"I have," Azula replies earnestly, leaning against the bars. "I think you're right."

"Of course I am," he says, sounding smug. She knows she is just giving him what he wants, but she also knows that she has something to gain.

"They'll try to stop me. There'll be more in my way than just Zuko," Azula says, drawing her knees to her chest. She sets her chin on them like she is a little girl. Maybe she still is.

But the advisors. They... if she were to find him. It could be possible.

"I think you're competent enough to accomplish it," Ozai says. Honesty. Hm.

He finds her so easy to manipulate. It is funny, how easy it is to make the puppet master dance like one of her thralls. Azula in power is the only positive thing he can imagine happening to the nation that betrayed him. And he has full faith that, with the right mindset, she could seize the throne. It is what she was born to do, as he told her many times when she was a little girl.

Ozai continues with, "No one will object once you are in the right position. Quick. Quiet. Take them out swiftly and those left over will kneel out of terror. Fear is the best way to control people. And, believe me, little princess, people fear you."

"After my downfall even?" Azula asks, desperate for the affirmation that only Ozai holds.

"You're terrifying," he says, fanning her flames. She straightens slightly, invigorated by his words.

"And then she and I can have everything. Rule the world together." Azula's eyes are glossy, glazed over by her glamorous dreams. Ozai finds it pitiful that she would conquer out of love, but it is a better motivation than nothing. "Then I'll be worthy of her."

"It should solve all of your problems," Ozai says, feeling that he sounds ridiculous, but Azula eats it up. She slowly stands up.

"Alright. I'll do it." She knows she is caving into the easy way out, but she has no choice. She _will _do it. The throne will be hers and she will get the girl and everything will be wonderful in the end. It is time for her happily ever after.

It is impulsive, and impulsive actions lead only to trouble. She knows that. But she _wants _it to work; she _needs _it to work. The only way she can truly be happy is if she does what she was born to accomplish. Happily ever after is all she wants anymore ─ and the throne has to be hers to do that.

"You'll never be happy without being Fire Lord," Ozai says and Azula nods.

_I hate you, father. But... you've never misled me._

"I know, father," Azula replies, slowly standing up. She runs her finger along one of the bars as she stands up and he watches it with an unsettling lust.

And then she is gone.

[X]

"Where were you?" Ty Lee asks, her fingers brushing against Azula's lips. Azula has just arrived, climbing through the window. "Your guards have been outside of the door all night. If you were seen without them, they could take you away."

Azula breathes in deeply. It kills her to lie to Ty Lee, but it is for the best. They will have everything together; Azula will make sure of it. But the acrobat cannot know about the one person coup until the last minute. When the world lies, in rubble, at Azula's feet, then and only then can she truly have the love she deserves.

"I just needed to be alone. I'm so... caught up about our fight," Azula says, a half truth. A full truth, somewhat. It is the fight that drove her into the guiding arms of her father.

"People fight, Azula. People fight and they make up and that's just how it works," Ty Lee says, looking genuinely hurt. Azula feels an inexplicable tightness in her throat. _It's for the best. It's for the best._

"I'm sorry," Azula lies, sitting down at the foot of the bed.

"It's okay. You don't need to apologize. Just don't run away like that again." _I know your apologies are mostly lies. I know you feel nothing for what you did to me._

And they kiss.

[X]

_Ty Lee kicks the wall of her prison cell. Again. Again. Again. It does not feel any better._

_"Please stop," Mai says flatly for the thousandth time. Pause. Ty Lee kicks the wall again. "So, we lost. Big deal."_

_"You don't understand!" Ty Lee screams, spinning around. Her braid whips through the air, slapping the side of her face when she stops. "I... I can't believe she did that to us!"_

_"I can." Mai shrugs. She leans against the wall, sitting on the disgusting floor._

_Silence. Ty Lee resumes her battery of the wall, this time adding punches. Mai sighs and closes her eyes. Then, suddenly, Mai jumps. Ty Lee assumes a fighting stance for no reason. They have gotten twitchy under the thumb of Azula._

_"You're in love with her, aren't you?" Mai says, far too loudly for Ty Lee's liking. "You. Are. In. Love. With. Princess. Azula."_

_"No," Ty Lee says, but it is a feeble lie. Mai looks startled, then returns to expressionless. She closes her eyes again, as if nothing happened. "So what? So what if I'm in love with Princess Azula?"_

_Mai shrugs. "I don't think she'll be getting with you anytime soon. After, y'know, blocking her chi and stopping her from finally killing Zuko."_

_"Shut up, Mai!" Ty Lee screams and Mai flinches._

_"Ease up. You're getting worked up over nothing," Mai says, taking this a little to calmly. Ty Lee clenches her fists._

_"Over nothing? We just got locked in prison! Prison! For the rest of our lives!" Ty Lee exclaims. Punch. Kick. Punch. Kick. She smashes her hand into the wall so hard that she hears a popping sound and is greeted by pain. "And I'm never going to see her again!"_

_"She'll probably come torture us at some point." Mai shrugs. "You have that to look forward to."_

_Ty Lee shrinks, curled up into a ball on the floor._

_"I knew when you were so upset after the Invasion it was because of her," Mai says and Ty Lee looks up. She looks completely shocked by the new information. "You guys were in love or something, weren't you?"_

_"We slept together, Mai," Ty Lee whispers, as if saying it quietly will make it not real. "Twice."_

_Mai can understand why Ty Lee is so upset. There were always boys in and out of her life, but she has been in love with Azula for a very long time. And if Azula reciprocated even physically, her talons would have run even deeper than they were in Mai. Waking her up from the drug of Princess Azula's command is most likely impossible if they fucked._

_"We did the right thing. Even if it was the stupid thing," Mai says and Ty Lee swallows._

_"I know that. But that doesn't mean I'm going to just forget that... we were supposed to have a happily ever after. In my head at least. And now it's never... I asked her if she loved me so many times and she always said no. And after we slept together she got angry and yelled at me. And it's stupid because she's so cruel and selfish but I'm in love with a monster and I don't care," Ty Lee says rapidly, the words slurring and stumbling. Mai purses her lips. "I just want to kiss her again."_

_Ew._

_"After she attempted to murder me?" Mai sighs and Ty Lee shrugs. "I kind of always knew. So there were more kisses than just the Ember Island one?"_

_"Yeah. It was so complicated. But it... look, it's over now. It doesn't matter," Ty Lee says, shrugging halfheartedly._

_"I'm sure she's more upset than you right now."_

_"That doesn't make me feel better."_

_"I'm trying."_

[X]

Azula touches her, caressing her contoured body. She promises to herself that she will give Ty Lee absolutely everything, and slaughter and burn what is in their path to greatness. Their legs interlock, Azula's fingertips running along the shivering body of the acrobat.

"Maybe we should just talk," Ty Lee says softly, kissing Azula's neck.

"I want to be with you. Be _with _you," Azula purrs, something behind her words that Ty Lee cannot place. There is something off about her. She seems... darker. It is oddly arousing, and Ty Lee sinks into it.

Azula has a certain force behind her as she tears at the body of her wife. Pressed against the wall, pressed against the mattress, naked bodies pressed together. Bruises blossom, kisses burn, fingernails scrape. Azula runs her tongue along Ty Lee's clavicle. Shiver. Ty Lee runs her hand along the side of the princess's body. Down further, slipping two fingers into Azula.

Gasp. Breathe. Smoke.

Falling on her back, losing control. Thoughts race. Pressure. Orgasm. Azula's thoughts swirl as Ty Lee touches her tongue to Azula's cleavage. Goosebumps. Pleasure.

"I never want this to end," Azula breathes, meaning it in more ways than one.

"Neither do I." Ty Lee has no idea what comes after this, after this bliss.

Her hands shake as they fondle the body of her wife. Fear. Azula is afraid. Afraid of herself. Ty Lee does not notice, her eyes half closed. Azula scratches her and murmurs an apology, but Ty Lee moans. Her hands shake even worse.

They lie back after hours, tongues, in and out of lips and cunts and touches that begged for more and Azula could only think of her coup. She was not in the moment.

"I was a little distant," Azula says, her voice too regal, too formal. She lies in the dark, naked, sweaty, her wife at her side. It should be perfect. But Azula cannot help but want more. "I hope that didn't detract from your pleasure."

"I didn't notice," Ty Lee whispers, drifting off to sleep. Azula lies awake and watches her until the sun rises.

She is still sleeping peacefully when Azula finally gets out of bed. It must be so nice to not be preoccupied with so many thoughts. Azula envies her.

And she leans down and whispers, "I will give you the world," and she means it.

[X]

Azula plots the coup with ease. It does not take much time to figure out what must be done. Simple. Quick. Easy. Each move is planned out, playing behind her eyes as she goes through her day to day activities. Murder is unnecessary, but on the table. It will have to be tonight.

She locates the advisor who danced with her after a few innocent sounding questions. Once she finds him, they exchange a glance and slip into a hall filled with paintings of former Fire Lords. Hm, they _did _get Zuko's good side. The hallway is a fitting place to have the conversation about the next Fire Lord, in front of the images of those who came before Zuko. Came before _her_ now, she supposes. She studies them all closely, imagining her image immortalized. Most of them are in states of disrepair, save for Sozin.

"I'm making my move," Azula says and his eyes light with excitement. The power she has over him almost makes her feel better about her father's hands on her body. "And when I do it... they'll support me."

"The New Ozai Society is strong. Thousands. Elite people in society belong to it. There will be supporters, and droves of them. We have been waiting to truly strike against Fire Lord Zuko, and you present us an opportunity to emerge from the shadows." After his declaration, Azula falls silent. The idea of people following her, after being stoned by children, is somewhat hard to believe.

But she nods in response.

"Wait for me each night this week. I have to make sure it's the right moment," Azula says icily, and they walk away as if they never knew each other.

But then she falls ill. The night she planned to seize the Fire Nation and rule the world with her bride, she gets incredibly sick. It is awful, hanging over her like a dark cloud. She cannot remember the last time she was physically sick, and it disgusts her. She has felt feverish and nauseated for days, but this has come on strong.

"I feel terrible," Azula murmurs as she and Ty Lee retreat to their quarters.

"You've been really distant all day. Kind of connivy."

"Connivy?"

"I invented the word to describe that look you get when you're conniving."

At Ty Lee's words, Azula suddenly faints, the acrobat managing to catch her. Ty Lee panics, clutching her wife. She sets her down on the bed, touching her wrist for a heartbeat. She seems normal, except for the fact that she is unconscious. Her skin is burning, on fire, and to Ty Lee, it feels hotter than the surface of the sun.

She screams for Zuko and he arrives, hearing the fear in her voice. He looks at Azula sprawled on the bed and his heart leaps into his chest.

"What happened?" he demands, his voice breathless. He touches her forehead and it burns his hand. _That is not good._

"Is she poisoned? Or sick?" Ty Lee is bouncing around, but not pleasantly. Zuko takes a deep breath and tries to clear his head. He has to save her, but he does not know how.

As her brother and wife fret over her, Azula is spinning downwards. She feels herself falling, gut wrenching spins, and collapses on a bed of flames. They are as cold as ice, but crackle and burn in strange colors that do not seem to fit. The air tastes like smoke, and Azula feels like she is suffocating.

She moves, though her bones hurt, pushing herself off of the flames. Darkness surrounds her as she pushes forward. _Nothing stops me. Nothing._

"Should we put her in like ice water?" Ty Lee shouts as Zuko is pacing. "Or wait-wait, aren't you supposed to sweat fevers out?"

"I don't know. I'm thinking!" Zuko rubs his neck, his jaw clenching after snapping at his sister-in-law.

_Azula walks through the dark hallway, pressing her hands against the walls. They burn, but feel icy at the same time. Surrounded by cold blue flames wherever she goes. She stumbles and falls onto her knees._

_"Why did you drop me?" screams Ty Lee, this time sounding more agonized. Azula pushes herself up and starts walking towards the voice. "Why did you drop me?"_

Outside of Azula's head, Iroh and Ursa have joined the panicking Ty Lee and confused Zuko.

"Put her in ice water," Ursa says, reaching for Azula's arm. Iroh stops her.

"I saw this before with Zuko."

"Is she going to be the beautiful princess she was always meant to be?" Zuko asks derisively and Iroh makes an odd face.

"You were awake when I said that?" he asks loudly as Ursa is hoisting Azula over her shoulder.

"I don't care what happened with Zuko. I'm putting her in ice water," she says, walking towards Azula's en suite bathroom. Ty Lee starts frantically filling the bathtub.

"There's no ice!" she exclaims as Mai walks in, rubbing her eyes. Why would there be plentiful ice in the Fire Nation?

"What's... I'm not going to ask." Mai sighs, examining the insanity in front of her.

"Mai! Get a servant to get ice!" Ty Lee is pouring cold water into the clawed tub with fervor.

"I... okay." And Mai walks out of the room again.

A servant comes back with blocks of ice, which is difficult to come by in the Fire Nation summer. Ty Lee tosses them into the bathtub, water splashing everywhere. Zuko starts throwing ice in too as Iroh watches, looking uncomfortable.

_Azula reaches the end of the hallway. A cage meant for circus animals. Ty Lee is inside of it, unconscious. Azula lights two fingers with blue flame, illuminating the room._

_"Come out and fight, bastard," Azula purrs, looking for the captor. She moves, defensively, smoothly, like a feline. Her eyes keep flickering back to Ty Lee, whose head is leaning against golden bar, her eyes closed and eyelashes thick and dark. _

_The room lights up in a ring of red fire. In the center of the room is the throne of the Fire Nation, and opposite of Azula is her father. He looks exactly as he did when he fought Zuko, all of those years ago, not after his fall from power._

_"Where is she?" is Azula's demand. "Where did you put her?"_

_Fire comes at her and she blocks it with ease. He will have to try harder than that._

_And she fights. Calculated moves, fire flying at her from a faceless fear. And she tosses a flame that collides with the wall. What she thought was her father was merely a shadow. She walks towards the throne and falls through the floor, gasping._

_Finally, she comes to balancing precariously on a single metal pole. She nearly falls, but outstretches her arms and keeps herself upright. Slowly, she looks below her. It is a gigantic scale, weighing two objects. And on one side is Ty Lee, still unconscious and in the circus cage, and on the other, is the throne, surrounded by azure flame._

_"Jump, little princess." Push on her back._

_She falls to the left._

Azula wakes up screaming, suddenly freezing cold. She gasps, glancing around. And she finds she is submerged to her chin, fully clothed, in a bath of ice water, surrounded by her family.

"Whose," Azula spits, dragging herself out of the bath, "bright idea was tossing me in _ice water_?"

"It was a mutual decision," Zuko says, scratching his neck. Azula feels the urge to vomit when she looks at his motions. She is going to kill him tomorrow night. Murder him. She imagines him as his corpse for a moment, and it does not bring her the same pleasure it once did.

Her father promised she would be perfect if she killed Zuko. If she could defeat him, she would have perfection, and her father's love. And every day Azula finds her life becoming more and more imperfect. Perhaps she can yet attain perfection, which has proven to be like catching smoke with her bare hands.

"I'll help you clean up," Ty Lee says, her tone informing the other inhabitants of the room to go back to sleep. Slowly, the crowd around Azula thins.

Ty Lee helps her to her feet and half-drags her to their bed. She opens the armoire in the corner and finds Azula's warmest clothes ─ which are not that cozy ─ and tosses them to her wife. Azula, shaking, starts getting dressed. Her hair drips, staining the red fabric darker where the cold water caresses it.

Azula sits, rubbing her arms. "You people gave me hypothermia."

"It woke you up," Ty Lee offers, shrugging slightly. She looks at Azula with such empathy in her eyes that Azula wants to tear out her throat. The mild fantasy of violence makes Azula queasy. "Hot tea or something? I'm sure Zuko will insist you be medically examined."

"I'm really fine," Azula says, though she knows she is not. She is sweating, despite how _cold _she is.

Ty Lee walks to her, touching her frigid skin. Usually Azula is unnaturally warm. She feels slippery to the touch, and Ty Lee wonders if she should get a towel, or stay with her, or what she should do. Azula looks, _pained_.

"What happened at our wedding?" Ty Lee whispers. Azula kisses her in response. The water from Azula's hair rolls between Ty Lee's breasts like teardrops. It chills her, finally disappearing between her ribs as it streaks down beneath her nightdress.

Azula starts removing Ty Lee's clothes, just as the door opens. Ty Lee springs away with grace, leaving her nightgown behind her.

"Zuko called for a doctor," says the woman clutching a bag of herbs.

Azula purses her lips.

_Zuko won't be calling the shots much longer._


	26. coup

chapter twenty-six: coup

* * *

_Omnia vincit amor (love conquers all)." - Eclogue X, Virgil_

* * *

Azula moves to take the throne the night after her fainting spell.

"You should go with her," Azula insists as Mai is leaving overnight to see her parents. Ty Lee has to be gone. No carnage. She cannot be hurt.

There is something mildly skeptical in her eyes and it sends a pulse of anxiety through Azula. But Ty Lee agrees, and the only two people Azula claims loyalty to are gone. Uncle has left today, so she does not have his bending prowess to worry about.

She goes to bed, yawning pointedly. And then she starts sorting through her clothes. A stunning red dress, the same one she wore when she returned to her father to show that her bending is intact. She does her hair up like a beauty queen of Ba Sing Se and does not put a crown in; she will have a new one by the end of then night. Ruby lips, perfect body. She is ready to take what is rightfully hers.

Azula studies the flames on her fingertips for some time as she listens through the door. Slowly but surely, the palace falls asleep.

Her heart racing, she pushes open the door and with a few quick shots, the guards assigned to keep her from rebelling are dead. It was surprisingly easy. She steps over their smoldering bodies and moves through the palace. Ducking aside, she finds a small dilemma; two of Zuko's advisors up drinking and discussing.

Pause. Think. She reveals herself from the shadows.

"You have two options," she says, as they both stand up. "You can get out of my way and accept my leadership, or I can kill you."

One guard throws a blast of fire at her and Azula summons a snap of lightning. Perfect aim; she hits him right through the chest. And, with gravitas, Azula turns to the other. She expects the bender to fight her, but he bows. Azula smirks and swiftly moves past him.

The throne room is close. She knocks down and converts guards left and right, and Zuko and mother are not even roused by it.

She passes Zuko's advisor; he stands with two others of the most loyal.

"Tonight," is all Azula says as she moves towards the throne room. They walk towards Zuko's room.

But Zuko wakes to the smell of ash and fear. He thinks he is dreaming at first, but then he takes off down the hallway. He grabs one of his advisors by the arm and is struck by his underling's flame. Zuko ducks.

"What are you doing?" he demands as two of his own subordinates start to fight him.

Zuko is outmatched as two of the guards Azula spared join in the battle. It is six against one and Zuko has not fought anyone but playing around with Azula in years. His reflexes have slowed with time, and his bending is less fine tuned than it was when he fought in the war.

"Azula!" he shouts and it echoes through the palace. He blocks flames coming at him from either side.

"I'm sorry, my lord," comes the voice of someone he trusted, "but she made an offer we couldn't refuse. She's the savior of the people."

Zuko throws a blast of fire. It engulfs the room in ruby.

Azula sends a single flame and illuminates the throne room in sapphire.

It is... exhilarating.

She smiles.

Azula stands at the precipice of a great tsunami, hurtling at her at the speed of light. She looks on at what could be hers, her kingdom, her solace, her everything. The blue flames dance around the throne room, lighting her eyes with an eerie glow. _Mine. Mine. Mine._

She came. She saw. She conquered.

The bodies of the guards lie broken around her, killed with quick flames and bolts of lightning from her fingertips. She walks towards the throne that she lit ablaze, the flames growing as she drags her feet towards it. It sings like a siren, tempting her, tantalizing.

"You won't win this." Zuko. She turns around, holding up two fingers on either side of her, both ablaze. The flames flicker wildly, without restraint. No restraint anymore. She is so close.

"I would suggest you toss me that crown," Azula purrs, walking towards him. He slides his feet out into a defensive stance. But Azula's offense could easily conquer him. "Nothing can stand in my way anymore."

"I don't want to fight you," Zuko says and Azula laughs. "Everything was going well. We were friends. _Friends_. Us. People trusted you. _I _trusted you. That life is better than one of loneliness."

"It's so close," Azula says, her voice slightly quieter. She stops walking and freezes, the flames growing. Zuko looks at his throne, overrun by azure. He will stop her. He might have to kill her. "This is how it was always meant to be, anyway. A fight to the death. One of us will reign supreme. But, of course, you could always surrender."

Zuko tenses. He feels a pain in his gut that is impossible to describe. "Azula, please, listen to reason. If you stop now, I'll forgive you. You can go back to life. Have a family. Be part of _our _family."

Azula looks conflicted. She gnaws at her lip, tearing it to shreds. Blood trickles down her chin and she does not wipe it away.

"I can't do it. I can't turn back now," Azula decides, though there is uncertainty in her tone. She spreads her legs slightly, the flames contorting. The blue licks the ceiling as Zuko hopes it does not come flying at him. "The resistance will support me. Your _advisors _came to me demanding I usurp you! I can't fucking turn back, Zuko!"

"Yes. You can. You have it in you. I know you do," Zuko says, walking towards her. "Please, Azula. You're my sister and I love you."

Azula throws a stream of fire at Zuko that he barely has time to block. It dissipates around him as he punches through it. When the smoke clears, Azula is gone. Zuko glances around, backing up and then stepping forward. Then he is hit in the back by a surge of flame that explodes around the room forcefully. It burns his skin and he lets out a wordless cry of pain.

He hears her footsteps, and she moves through the shadows again. The flames on the throne go out. The room is black. The only sound is Zuko's heavy breathing.

"The tables have turned," comes Azula's voice. It reverberates through the room, echoing ominously. He cannot place its source. He lights up his hands and uses the fire to look around, growing the flame until he spots her. She is in the corner of the room, beside the war table stacked on the wall. Only her silhouette is visible. "I outmatch you. How about, if you give in now, I'll forgive you. You can have a family. Be a part of _our _family."

Her words are mocking, twisted.

"Azula," he shouts, rage inside of him. He throws a whip of fire that she blocks with one finger. The flames incinerate the air, falling around her. She is on the move again. As he tosses never ending bursts of fire, she jumps over them, onto the throne, standing, dancing over the flames, blocking his attacks with her hands and feet. "Azula, don't do this! You were doing so well! What happened?"

"It was always meant to be mine," Azula says, tossing a whirlwind of flames from her hands. Zuko backflips over them, barely missing. The hot air burns his back even more. "You know it was! I had a chance and I took it!"

"I know it's not easy," Zuko says, still hope for her. _Why do I still think she can change? Why didn't I expect this? _"I know it's hard to relearn everything you knew. But think about it; you fell in love, you learned a new drive than just hunger for power. You got married. You gained the trust of those around you. You made amends with people you once only desired to kill. That is more of an accomplishment than being _fucking Fire Lord_! Redemption is a thousand times more difficult than seizing Ba Sing Se! Restraint is more challenging than winning a million Agni Kais!"

Azula cuts him off with a bolt of lightning past his ear. She summons it again, crackling around her. Needlessly showy, she toys with it in the air as Zuko takes a deep breath. There must be some words to trigger the good in her that he saw.

"If there are two sides in me," Azula says, sending the lightning not at Zuko, but at the curtains. They burst into flame, filling the room with thick smoke. Zuko coughs. "then I guess this is their moment of truth. Which one will win, hmm?"

"Come on, Azula! Is this worth it?" He dodges a series of blue flames that come like punches of white hot heat. The throne room has risen significantly in temperature, and Zuko feels as if he is in a desert or oven.

"I thought about this moment for a long time. When I was in prison, they tied me by my arms, hanging from the ceiling. My knees barely touched the ground. Gagged. Shackled. And the only thing that kept me from completely _losing it_, was thinking about facing you off once more. A rematch for the throne. But this time, this time I have the upper hand. This time, I'm on my game," Azula monologues, spinning around and letting out three waves of blue fire. Zuko blocks all of them as they spin around him.

"But there's more than that. There's more to your life than this!"

"No, there's really not. I'm worthless without the throne," Azula spits, insecurity in her words for the first time in the fight. "I have nothing else to live for."

Zuko growls in frustration. He dodges and blocks seven more attacks before he has formulated his next attempt. "You lose more than you gain. Think it through. You're logical. Clever. You lose absolutely everything except for a crown. You'll be _hated _by the people, and you'll lose your family, your only friends, the woman you love. You'll lose the self you've been building so long. If you let the side you've discovered win, you'll be so much more than you ever were."

"And if I choose power?" Azula says, summoning lightning again. She shoots it at him. He redirects it. She bounces it back at him for the first time and Zuko is thrown off. But he catches it, sending it back. It is almost like a waterbending duel as they lightning shoots between them. Again. Again. Again. Azula misses on the final blow from Zuko, dodging the bolt as it crashes behind her, singing the wall behind the throne.

"If you choose power you are nothing but an empty crown."

They lock eyes. Azula hesitates, taking a deep breath. She pauses, thinking carefully. Zuko can see her contemplation, and he remains in a defensive pose. Neither of them strikes; they simply stare each other down.

"But... it's what I always wanted," Azula says, her voice like a child's. She lowers her hands. Zuko eases, standing straight.

"Empty. An empty crown. A meaningless throne," Zuko repeats and Azula swallows. She jumps down from the throne, standing slightly below Zuko. She walks towards him.

And in one split second, Zuko is struck to the floor with a bolt of lightning.

Azula hovers over him, hesitating. Zuko is gasping for breath, clawing at the floor. He looks at Azula with venom in his eyes.

"I have to kill you, don't I?" she purrs, holding two fingers at him. They are ablaze. "Just _one _strike, and I'm Fire Lord."

"You..." Zuko coughs, trying to move but the pain too unbearable, "you'll have to kill more than just me to stay in power."

"That doesn't sound too difficult." Her flames grow. Zuko stares forward, helpless. "I'm their idol. They call me their savior. Not that I couldn't do it on my own..."

"Azula." The voice from behind Zuko makes Azula's flames go out. Smoke is the only thing that Zuko can see, and the eerie blue light from the throne.

"Just let me do this. Let me do this and we can have everything," Azula says, starting the flames again. But they are weaker. "I thought you were with Mai."

"I'm not as dumb as I look, Azula." Ty Lee pushes into the room. "I knew you were going to do this. I wasn't... I wasn't going to stop you. But I just couldn't... I couldn't tonight..."

"I'm giving you what you want. _All _you want," Azula purrs, digging her heel into Zuko's chest. He chokes.

"I don't want that," Ty Lee insists, walking through. Zuko looks up with only his eyes and sees the desperation in her face. "Please."

The flames grow. She's going to do it. Zuko braces himself.

"I _have _to. I'm doing this for you! We're going to rule the world together. Together," Azula says, her voice high and frantic. She is off now. Her cool is completely gone.

"So, you're just going to kill everyone we care about? You're going to plunge the world into darkness? Just so you can be in power?" Ty Lee says, walking towards Azula. Azula moves her aim from Zuko to her wife. "Please."

"It was what I was born to do. There's no changing destiny." She looks about to murder Ty Lee and Zuko's heart jumps into his throat.

"It's your destiny to kill your brother and usurp the throne?" Ty Lee shows no fear.

"It always was." Azula is hesitant. She is becoming vulnerable, but Zuko cannot summon an attack.

"I can't stop you. I'm not going to punch you and help Zuko up. If you want to do this, you can. But I'm not going to rule by your side." Ty Lee sounds so firm and powerful. Her words are stronger than Azula's for the first time.

"B-but it's what we want!"

"It's what _you _want."

"Azula," Zuko says, choking on his words. Some movement returns to his toes, but barely any. "Azula listen to her. I won't imprison you. I won't..."

"Shut up! Promises of a dying man are worthless!" Azula's flames grow, a vivacious azure. She holds them towards Zuko's face.

But Azula stops, and Zuko can barely see why. The flames go out. Zuko pushes himself backwards, away from Azula. It is struggle. He sees that her lips are locked with Ty Lee's, the acrobat clinging to her. And Azula falls slightly limp in Ty Lee's arms.

The kiss breaks and Zuko freezes. This is the moment of truth.

"It's me or the throne," Ty Lee says and Azula glances at Zuko, at the blue throne and at Ty Lee.

Every flame in the room dies out simultaneously.

Azula falls on her knees, crying. "I don't want it anymore." Her words are frightened, broken. And the acrobat kneels beside her, holding onto her. They remain like that for some time, Zuko slowly regaining strength. The pain in his burnt back and singed chest is relentless.

Zuko finally stands up. He looks at her and sees something that he can barely explain. The war within her is over, not ended by her death or a bout of illness, but by the kiss of a circus freak.

"The right side won." And Zuko touches her shoulder. She hesitates, looking at him with mascara stained eyes.

"What are you going to do with me?" Azula whispers, sounding frightened.

"Forgive." And Zuko steps backwards. "The war within you is over. And now, forgiveness is all that's left."

"You won't kill me?" Azula murmurs, surprised. _I would have killed him._

"No. Part of you just died. And it was for the best." And Zuko limps into the doorway, wheezing as Azula slowly gets to her feet. He thinks of his time in Ba Sing Se, his time at the Western Air Temple; all of the memories flood him when he had the instinct to tie up Azula and throw her back into prison. But this had to be done, had to go to this point.

His wound agonize him, but he has matured and grown. And he has taken her redemption on as a responsibility. He _will _forgive Azula.

And she knew, at that moment, that there was something else to live for than the throne. As pathetic as it sounds in her head, maybe... love can save her from the shadows. Maybe the bird can learn a new song, even though it has been singing of power and destruction for its whole life. She's... different now. And she has a lifetime ahead of her to try being someone new.

In her dream, she fell to the left. She fell to Ty Lee.

_My own mother thought I was a monster. _

_She was wrong._


	27. aftershocks

chapter twenty-seven: aftershocks

* * *

_"The avalanche has begun; it is too late for the pebbles to vote." - Babylon 5_

* * *

Azula finds herself being pushed along by armored arms. The room is still glowing in blue as her hand is squeezed by the tan, smooth fingers of her wife. She surrenders, hoping that Zuko is good for his word. She breathes slowly and tries to keep control of herself as her thoughts swirl.

_This is not who you were meant to be. _

Later, she finds herself in handcuffs, which she does not blame them for, but make her uncomfortable. But she stands as still as a statue as she watches her fate be bickered over from behind bars.

"I'm _not _dealing with this," Mai snaps and breaks away from a crying Ursa, a hysterical Ty Lee and three guards. She walks to Azula and the princess sits up straighter. "You are _crazy_, you know that?"

"I've been told that a few times," Azula purrs, attempting a smirk and failing.

She is imprisoned in a cell identical to her father's. It is burning hot inside the Capitol Prison and her skin is sticky with sweat. It must be midday by now and Ty Lee is sleeping with her head resting on the bar. She held Azula's hand until they broke her away, but she has not left Azula's side, much like after the incident at Ba Sing Se.

"So, Zuko's in the hospital. Apparently there are complications because you hit him right in the place you hit him last time," Mai says, wrapping her fingers around one of the bars. "The Avatar just arrived to clean up the riots that are happening, and your Uncle is currently en route from Ba Sing Se to oversee the throne until Zuko is better. The people who helped you are headed to the Broiling Rock. And you know what we're doing with you?"

"Public execution?" Azula offers sarcastically. Mai's knuckles turn even whiter.

"Zuko has made an executive order to set you free once Iroh gets here. _No repercussions_," Mai says, her face expressionless but her voice emotionally charged.

"I thought you were my friend," Azula says sharply and Mai sighs.

"I don't _want _bad things to happen to you, Azula. But Zuko's forgiveness is going to ruffle a lot of feathers," Mai explains before a soldier enters and whispers something in her ear. "The Fire Nation is descending into madness. Thanks, princess."

And Mai is ushered away to deal with problems posed by the rioting public. She cannot believe how fast the news of the coup spread. And she also cannot believe that so many people wanted Azula to be in power. She exits the prison and enters the upset Fire Nation.

"I'm not leaving, Azula," Ty Lee says, awake now. She stares directly at the guards as she says it, and they recognize it as an order from a superior, though she voices it as a word of consolation to her wife.

"That's kind of you," Azula breathes coldly. She feels weak and tired and unsure why she simply gave in when she had the throne.

She fights the urge to burn the guard who removes her handcuffs, and she leans against the wall of the cell. Ty Lee holds her hand, their bodies mirror images outside and inside of thick metal bars. How the mighty have fallen.

Azula hates being enclosed. She would not call herself claustrophobic, but after her time in the Broiling Rock, a prison cell makes her heart beat too quickly and her fingers twitchy. She can taste the gag in her mouth, feel the pain in her knees. And the cell itself makes images of her last two encounters with her father play behind her eyes.

"You're going to be out of here in a couple of days," Ty Lee whispers, as if it is consolation.

"And into the custody of my fucking uncle," Azula sighs airily, scratching at her leg. She still wears her beautiful garments, but her make-up is decimated by tears and sweat, and it does not look the way it did when she donned it to murder Zuko and take the Fire Nation.

"I'm really proud of you," Ty Lee says and Azula feels queasy.

"I'm not. I took the easy way out," Azula murmurs, already surging with regret.

"No you didn't," Ty Lee says vehemently. She squeezes Azula's hand. "It would have been easy to finish Zuko off. You did the hard thing and did the right thing for the first time in your life."

Azula has no words for that.

[X]

That night, Azula's first night behind bars in two years, three hallways from Azula's temporary cell, in a far more permanent prison, sleeps Ozai. Or, _pretends _to sleep.

"Your daughter's here," says one of the many guards who treat Ozai is if he still were Fire Lord. This one is Kazou, a twenty-five year old nationalist Ozai has taken a particular liking to. And Ozai assumes Azula to be walking through the door. The implications in the words of Kazou mean Azula is _imprisoned _here.

Ozai leaps to his feet with strength that surprises Kazou. The former Fire Lord walks to the son of the leader of the New Ozai Society and they stand face to face.

"She's in prison?" Ozai demands and Kazou looks intimidated. He looks _afraid_, as if Ozai had any power beyond his words. "I thought she was meant to be Fire Lord by morning."

"So did I," Kazou says softly, clearly disappointed and afraid. "But she's being released in three days when General Iroh arrives from Ba Sing Se to oversee─"

"Then Zuko is dead?"

"Zuko is alive. He's in the hospital recovering from a lightning strike and the Avatar is taking care of the New Ozai Society members foolish enough to be rioting right now. Fire Lord Zuko reigns supreme, but he apparently thinks Azula has flipped sides."

"Did she?" Ozai demands.

"Honestly, I don't know," Kazou says calmly. "She had Zuko down but she decided to turn herself in for attempting to overthrow the nation. A change of heart."

Ozai walks into the shadows and stands there. "Azula doesn't change. She could _never _change."

Kazou is silent. He does not know what to say to the man he always admired. The father of the girl he had an ill advised crush on as a child. The girl who told him to fuck off when he asked him how she was doing, and he quickly disappeared from the life of the crown princess.

Kazou is a firebender in the elite soldiers who was one of the leaders of the occupation of Ba Sing Se at twenty years old. And now he is a guard in a prison for a living, with a great distaste for Fire Lord Zuko and the newly reinvented Fir Nation. The son of the man who has just revealed that he has _much _more in store for Fire Lord Zuko than the little rebellions against Zuko jumping in bed with the other nations. Much more than a few pawns convincing Azula to try to take over the throne. That was the easy attempt; just get Azula to move on her own.

"My father says she can be persuaded."

"That won't be easy," Ozai says, starting to pace. "She's the most intelligent person I've ever met. Azula won't be tricked into doing anything. I've extorted her before, but I have a power over her that no one else does."

"I understand," Kazou says, adjusting his boot. He is mostly just trying not to make eye contact with Ozai. "I have to make my rounds now, but Azula is here. The coup failed, but don't worry, we'll do anything we can to have her in power. I swear to you."

"I don't need your _promises_. The New Ozai Society is weak and pathetic. I have faith in my daughter, not you fools," Ozai says, returning to his bed. Kazou puts his helmet back on and leaves to make his rounds and go home to his father's mansion in the Upper Capitol.

He dreams about her that night. As a child. She was what he wanted, all he ever wanted.

_"Stop twirling, little princess."_

_"It's just a fracture, go back to training, little princess."_

_"You don't get to make requests, little princess."_

_"I don't care if you're tired, little princess."_

_"If you want to be Fire Lord, you do as I say, little princess."_

_"Your friends are a distraction, little princess."_

_"I _told _you they would only betray you. Everyone will always betray you. I'm the only one you can trust, little princess."_

_"If you ever mention that circus freak's name again, I will personally execute her, little princess."_

_"If you don't want to firebend today, I'll break your hands and you'll never firebend again, little princess."_

_"Touch me just like that, little princess."_

When Ozai wakes, he feels the moments, the words he said, in his bones, through his skin, and within his blood. It's no wonder she failed him when he tormented her. It was for her own good; he made her strong. He promised her perfection if she pleased him.

And now he walked her right into the arms of a whore and her soft brother.

_Pushed _her, into their arms.

Hopefully, Azula will come to her senses.

But he has given her no reason to.

[X]

"Hello, Azula. I apologize for your previous lodgings," Uncle Iroh says, gesturing to a table of food. _Of course the fat man tries to apologize with pastries_.

Azula holds hands with Ty Lee, freshly bathed and clothed in something more comfortable. She wears her crown of _princess _with a particular disdain for it.

"We've both slept in that prison," Azula says as she and her wife walk in. They are alone; Ursa has not left Zuko's bedside in the hospital, and Mai is with Aang trying to deal with the insanity brought on by Azula's attempted coup.

"It's very unpleasant," General Iroh says with a small laugh.

"Why aren't you shouting at me for almost killing your precious nephew?" Azula demands, eyeing the food with disdain. Ty Lee is double fisting lemon pastries.

"Because Zuko told me what happened," he says, sitting down at the table and filling his plate to sickening proportions. "I'm proud of you. I knew you could─"

"You didn't _know _I could become good. You thought I was a monster since I was a little kid. I was my father's tool to usurp you in ways and you─"

"Please," Ty Lee interrupts, her mouth full. "It's over now. Let's just try to pick up the pieces."

Azula cannot agree more with that statement. She has the slight suspicion that she is not seeing the last of the New Ozai Society. The riots may have died down, but Aang is still cleaning up a mess much larger than Azula imagined.

Ty Lee finds Azula in the hallway of portraits of Fire Lords after breakfast. Azula claimed she was going training, but when she was not there, Ty Lee panicked. Her guard is with her, but lying to Iroh is a most unwise move, especially when it is so evidently untrue.

"What are you doing?" Ty Lee asks, trying not to sound angry. But she does. Azula does not turn away from some Fire Lord ─ a woman ─ who Ty Lee does not know the name of. Honestly, she can only name the last four.

"I'm just... I used to come in here and look at the pictures. I know all their stories. Hers is my favorite." Azula walks towards Ty Lee without explaining why she admires this Fire Lord and not someone more traditional, like Sozin.

"It's going to be okay," is all Ty Lee can manage to say. Azula does not respond. "There's more than being Fire Lord."

"You know, my father used to tell me that I had to suffer through everything I suffered through so I could be Fire Lord someday. Maybe I'm just bitter about that," she says, as casually as if she were commenting on the weather. Ty Lee bites on her lip. "But I'm willing to try something new. This is clearly what I want. And people change. I'm twenty in two months. Maybe I was bound to grow up to be different than I imagined I was going to be. It... happens, doesn't it?"

"I'm surprised you're being so positive about this," Ty Lee says, eyebrow raised.

"Crying gets me nowhere. It was my choice in the end to not kill Zuko. I live with that choice. Obviously a large part of me doesn't want to be Fire Lord," Azula says cavalierly before kissing Ty Lee. It is incredibly odd.

They walk to the living room, holding hands.

"You remember when I took you on that walk?" Ty Lee asks teasingly.

"It was humiliating," Azula says with a smirk. "But it was a step towards... whatever this is."

"Whatever this is?" Ty Lee asks, breaking free of Azula and leaning against a wall. It is one of the ones they stripped against as they escaped their wedding reception. A pleasurable recollection, unlike the one of locking herself in her room after being freed early from prison and being forced to pretend her bending was gone until the Avatar decided she was ready.

"I _always _think ahead. I'm always five steps ahead. But I tripped over my ego," she says, thinking of her father's words. "But right now I'm improvising."

"It can be kind of fun never knowing what you're going to do next," Ty Lee says blithely, shrugging. She touches her lips; she wants to be kissed.

And Azula complies.

They tumble.

[X]

Zuko lies in the hospital, still sore. The lightning strike has been cared for well by the trained doctors, but they tell him it was a bad one. It is startling he was able to walk himself here after consoling Azula, though they say the adrenaline saved his life. He has been laid up for two weeks now, and Aang has been dealing with matters of the New Ozai Society and sending reports Zuko's way.

This hospital was once overflowing, back in the days of the war. And it is built strong enough to last an Earth Kingdom invasion, protecting anyone inside. He feels at ease, though he has his food checked for poison. There was an unpleasant aftermath to Azula's attempted coup, and she has been receiving death threats for days.

"He's going to like them."

Zuko hears Ty Lee's voice coming down the hallway.

"I think they're ridiculous," Azula purrs. They were the last people he expected to visit him.

Azula walks in and Zuko can swear he feels the temperature in the room rise a few degrees. Or perhaps his blood pressure just rages when she is around. She looks surprisingly good, and is in a fairly pleasant mood for someone who just attempted to usurp the throne and become a horrifying tyrant of a broken nation.

She carries white flowers, which she sets on the bedside table. He tries to make eye contact with her and fails. Ty Lee sits down at the foot of the bed with too much force and Zuko winces.

"Sorry," she shrieks. Azula stands with her arms crossed.

"My wife insisted that I bring you flowers," Azula says, sounding vaguely detached. Whenever she thinks about Zuko, she gets the inexplicable feeling of soreness in her stomach that she gets when she tells the truth. It is _most _uncomfortable. "I'm sorry for hitting you with lightning... again."

"Your aim _is _pretty good. You hit me exactly where you did last time. The doctors say that brought on complications," Zuko says and Azula feels tongue-tied. "It's going to be okay."

"I don't need your reassurance," Azula says sharply. She feels a variety of unwelcome emotions about her attempted coup two weeks ago, and a variety more about the upcoming trials of the known New Ozai Society members. Judging by the death threats she received, the New Ozai Society is less pleased with her than with Zuko.

Azula has been feeling better since she emerged from her crossroads. She has yet to come to terms with many things in her life, but the darkness she wallowed in since her wedding night has been brushed away by the dawning thoughts of _opportunities_. This broken life that she lives is all she has, and desperately clawing for more is how she gotten bitten as a youth.

Someone walks in and mutters, "Oops."

Azula turns to see girl-whose-eyes-are-too-big-for-her-face. Every time Azula looks at her, she can still feel steel around her wrists. The night out before the wedding means little to Azula, other than the proof she cannot handle being around the obnoxious goody-two shoes without several drinks in her system.

"What are you doing here?" Azula asks, noticing how accusatory she sounds.

"I'm here with Aang. He's cleaning up the mess you made," Katara says, her feelings immediately turning sour at the sight of the Fire Nation Princess. Zuko has been explaining to Katara that Azula is at the end of a crossroads, and is finally reformed. Katara supposes he may be right, but Azula is not notorious for being trustworthy, crossroads or not. And Katara is sure that Azula will try to steal the throne again.

"We just came to visit," Ty Lee says, trying to diffuse the situation. Azula looks away from Katara haughtily and Ty Lee shrugs. "It's good to see Zuko doing better."

"He nearly _died_," Katara says, her eyes boring into Princess Azula.

"Well that would upset _you _wouldn't it? Are you still with him or did you break it off once you got hitched?" Azula purrs and Katara swallows. She struggles to remain calm and kind. Zuko does _not _need stress on top of his condition. "Zuko and the Water Peasant. Such a precious love story."

"Please don't do this," Zuko groans and Azula seals her lips. She does owe it to him to do what she can to bolster his recovery.

"Well, this has been a lovely visit," Azula says, turning towards the door, but Ty Lee grabs her arm.

Azula sighs and gives in. She spends the rest of the day at the hospital, making mocking retorts and drinking disgusting tea. Zuko secretly likes her company, which feels ridiculous after nearly being killed by her.

"Sometimes," he says, looking up at Azula, "I think you fail at killing me on purpose."

"You're just hard to kill," Azula replies airily. "I'm really doing my best."

"You want me alive. There is no way you've not killed me this many times to ─ don't pick that up, stop it," Zuko says as Azula plucks a pillow off of the foot of the bed.

"I'm forced to smother you now. I'm not sorry." She holds it over his face and he burns the cotton to a crisp, feathers bursting everywhere. One is stuck in Azula's hair.

"You weren't going to do it."

"Then why'd you burn the pillow?" Azula sits back down in the plush chair. She wonders when Ty Lee will be back from her thirty minute bathroom break. "To be honest, I never was supposed to kill you before. It doesn't look that good to the public to have a leader who murdered their brother. I never aimed for the _real _kill until the Broiling Rock. And, I mean, I wasn't at my best after that."

"What was that fucking lightning in the Northern Earth Kingdom then?"

"I was only going to incapacitate you. Father explicitly expressed you were to be brought home alive."

"Your face when Uncle threw you in the ocean..."

"There's more than one pillow in here. And you have to sleep eventually," Azula says with playful threat in her tone.

Zuko smiles to himself and she averts her eyes to avoid smiling back.

[X]

Azula is wandering the halls, the shuffling of metal boots around her. She wears a thin nightgown, silky. It is pretty and too short because her father gave it to her when she returned to the Fire Nation after conquering Ba Sing Se. She has grown four inches since then, but at nearly twenty, she must have stopped growing by now.

She comes across something she never expected.

"It's your fault that Zuko is in the hospital." Mother.

"It is an unfortunate accident." Uncle.

"You shouldn't have let them let her walk free after Ba Sing Se."

"Azula has grown so much in her time since then. I believe in her."

"You're smitten with her little love story. I know her better than that."

"I have never seen you selfish before, Ursa, but you're simply placing all of your anger at my brother on her."

"Maybe I am. But we should have at least kept in her in prison where we could watch her."

"She has come to her own conclusion that a violent resolution to her imbalance is not what she wants. Azula is moving forward and I will stand with her. Zuko does. The Avatar said today he thinks she has capacity for change."

"I hope that, Iroh. I want her to be happy. But I don't know if I believe she can change. _Especially _after what she did to Zuko."

Azula walks into the pale moonlight. "I'm glad to know that, mother."

Iroh cringes. He thought he heard her guards, but he was so absorbed in trying to make Ursa understand ─ because he _knows _she loves Azula ─ that he did not pay enough attention. This can only unwind from here.

"I would say it to your face," Ursa says, her words both tender and angry. Azula does not react.

And Iroh steps in, saying, "Please. I know you two have your differences, but now is not the time to fight about them."

Azula hates to admit her fuddy duddy uncle is right about that. The Fire Nation is toppling into all out conflict within itself about Zuko's leadership, as he is hospitalized and away from the throne, and dear mother simply wants to beat a dead ostrich-horse.

"I was just getting something to eat," Azula lies. Honestly, she was trying to avoid her own shadow by moving her legs. Her guard shuffles down the hall with her.

When she returns to Ty Lee, she finds her wife awake and brushing her hair in front of the mirror. Azula shuts the door with the guards outside and sits at the foot of the bed.

"This is a really unpleasant aftermath, isn't it?" Azula remarks casually. Ty Lee looks at her and is rather engrossed by the lingerie nightgown. Ty Lee saw it shoved in the back of Azula's armoire once, neglected and wrinkled. She wonders why Azula took it out. "I can't believe my uncle is my biggest supporter."

"Things work out funny," Ty Lee says with a small shrug. She sets down her comb and pounces on Azula.

"Well, I think we can all agree that it can only go uphill from here."

Ty Lee laughs. She presses her lips against Azula's. They linger momentarily before dipping lower. They press against Azula's neck, tantalizing sensitive skin. Azula lies quite still as Ty Lee's lips move to her clavicle, and towards her breast. It is incredibly familiar, the motions almost memorized.

"This nightgown is super sexy. I don't know why you've never worn it. I don't even want to take it off of you," Ty Lee remarks, touching the fabric.

"My father bought it for me." And Ty Lee's fingers shoot away. Azula brushes her bride off of her and Ty Lee frowns. And she thought she was getting laid. "I got a glimpse of him when they were taking me out of the prison to go home."

"And?" Ty Lee asks softly, leaning forward.

"He looked at me _sadly_. It was... odd." Pause. Azula takes Ty Lee by the arm and now Ty Lee finds herself with her back on the mattress and her wife straddling her.

Azula runs the tip of her fingernail around Ty Lee's skin, the tickling yet painful situation incredibly tempting. And they move with a certain rhythm different than usual, clambering in competition for pleasure. Azula's nightgown slips away and she lets it fall to the floor.

She falls back with her head on one of the multitude of pillows, Ty Lee slips one hand to one of Azula's breasts, her mouth to the other. Her tongue swirls around Azula's hard nipple. Azula moans faintly, but she seems fairly distracted.

Ty Lee's hand slides away from its grasp on Azula's cleavage and moves down to her cunt. And their lips touch with every motion of penetration. Azula trembles, no longer distracted and seizes Ty Lee instantaneously after she orgasms.

They continue like this for some time.

And Azula does not sleep, though she is tired.

She thinks fondly, momentarily, of Ty Lee easily sleeping on hard rock or in disgusting Earth Kingdom beds, snoring slightly with no nightmares. And how Azula envied her as she lay awake trying to make sure in the end she would be sitting on the throne.

Maybe life will be easier when she is not constantly worried about everything working out with her in power.

But it wounds her to think she has fallen so far.

The road to recovery is harder than the road to ruler-ship, that is certain.

"You have to testify against the generals and other people who tried to organize the coup," Zuko says and Azula chews on her lip. She does not like the sound of that.

They stand in the throne room three weeks after Zuko recovered from the lightning strike. Azula has been slowly piecing things together, finding herself. She knew that the trials were coming, but she had no plan to be a part of them.

"People hate me enough," she says, thinking of the rocks that were thrown at her by the children, and of the death threats she receives daily from nationalists.

"You tried to _usurp the throne_. I think you owe me," Zuko says and Azula has the urge to argue with him. But she thinks better of it and simply nods. It will put a target on her back, brand her a traitor, but she clearly has no other choice.

"I don't know all of them," Azula says, though it is a weak excuse.

"That doesn't matter. You're going to testify."

Azula does not protest.


	28. target

chapter twenty-eight: target

* * *

_I got my red dress on tonight, dancing in the dark in the pale moonlight  
Done my hair up real big beauty queen style, high heels off, I'm feeling alive  
Oh my god, I feel it in the air, telephone wires above are sizzling like a snare  
Honey, I'm on fire, I feel it everywhere  
Nothing scares me anymore  
"Summertime Sadness" - Lana Del Rey_

* * *

Weeks after agreeing to testify, Azula walks out of the scandalous trial, guards surrounding her so thickly that she cannot see the people outside. Those who joined with her to overthrow Zuko have just been given life sentences at the Broiling Rock. Azula had no choice but to testify against them; Zuko made her promise that if she was to be left unscathed.

She found it to be a sickening thing to do. But her sense of self-preservation _does _outweigh her love for the Fire Nation. And the people... are rioting. The street is on fire as people are tackled. Her nostrils are filled with the acrid stench of smoke. Azula finds herself seized and carried, before she can light a finger or conjure a single bolt of lightning.

"Stop resisting!" shouts the man carrying her, and she looks up to see it is Zuko. The red is blinding, the smoke smells like it is conjured from alcohol or explosives and not bending; Azula can easily tell the difference.

And Azula doesn't resist. Zuko lets her go as soon as she relaxes and he grabs her arm. They run through the streets, surrounded by soldiers who have broken into an all-out fight with the citizens who are tearing up the streets. The royal siblings are blocked, and Azula throws a blast of blue fire out of both hands, Zuko in a defensive stance. Their way is cleared and they start running, moving through the motions of combat.

They were in the swelteringly hot courthouse, discussing crimes of treason, and now they are running about like they did when their politics included seeking the Avatar. Azula slides through a gate, a crack of lightning jetting past Zuko and hitting someone who he quickly notices was about to slice him with a knife.

"Situational awareness, ZuZu!" Azula shouts, starting towards the walls. The volcano surrounding the palace is nearby. Azula runs up the side of a building with ease and leaps into an open window. Zuko is still below, kicking, punching and bending his way through the attackers. They all wear masks of the Fire Nation's most sacred spirits; this is clearly planned.

Azula races through the house that does not belong to her, hands on fire. Finally, she bounds up a set of stairs and clambers onto the roof. She runs, leaping from rooftop to rooftop, watching Zuko's guard appear around him and start protecting the Fire Lord.

Zuko doubles backwards as azure collides with the ground, sweeping back a wave of revolutionaries.

They make it to the palace as the riots rage. It is not just angry citizens; the New Ozai Society has broken out. It was a planned move; a premeditated riot. That sends a surge of terror through Zuko, and a sensation of apprehension through Azula.

Not all is well in the Fire Nation.

Zuko hears a chant while Azula is gone, _"The resistance lives."_

It is the first in a series of events that came tumbling after Azula's vying for the throne.

[X]

One month after the first trials, Mai and Zuko's baby is born. Azula avoids the room where Mai is giving birth at all costs, somewhat scared of what is to come. Never did she know much about babies; to be honest, the thought of one clawing its way out of her cunt terrifies her. She hears the baby cry and summons her courage, opening the door and walking inside.

The baby is being bathed by Zuko. Mai looks terrifying and paler than usual. Her raven hair sticks to her forehead with sweat, and, oddly enough, she wears a small smile. Azula ignores the infant and sits on the bedside table beside her friend.

"You okay?" Azula asks, feigning interest. To be honest, it is Mai's fault if she suffered in agony. Azula supposes there was the need to produce an heir, but it was her choice to have a squishy, needy little infant. Babies _scare _her, to be perfectly honest.

"Sort of," Mai says, her voice breathless. Of course she gives a noncommittal answer.

Azula holds the newborn after Zuko hesitantly offers it to her, a few hours later. It wraps its fingers in her hair and looks at her with oddly alert eyes. Azula must admit it is _cute_, as much as she knows she must despise her replacement.

"Why does it look so focused?" Azula demands, astounded by the baby. She does not think she has seen a baby so young before, its body small and delicate. Holding it with obsessive care, she looks at Mai leaning on Zuko's shoulder with her eyes closed, and then at Ty Lee, who is bouncing from foot to foot waiting to hold her niece. "Okay, go to your Aunt Ty Lee, Fire Lord Izumi," Azula whispers, gently removing the baby from her arms and putting her in Ty Lee's arms.

Ty Lee's eyes glow with excitement. Azula can still feel the heat of the infant on her chest. It was not as bad as she imagined.

She resented the child while it was unborn, but something about her eyes in it made the wounds less bitter. Hearing _crown princess _tossed about makes her want to slit throats and burn down forests, but Izumi herself is nonthreatening. Azula practices restraint.

Mostly because her neck is so fragile, and if Azula _truly _wanted to do away with her, there could be a very easy accident.

Azula smiles faintly at Ty Lee cradling the baby, not revealing her true reasoning behind accepting the princess.

Such fragile little necks.

"She's cute," Azula purrs.

Such fragile little necks.

[X]

Two months after the trials and subsequent riots is Azula's twentieth birthday. She wakes up to Ty Lee bounding into her room carrying black tea and breakfast. It is forced into Azula's half-asleep hands as she blinks several times. She has never had a birthday where this has happened.

"Don't degrade yourself to a servant's level," Azula says to her wife derisively, but it does not deter Ty Lee.

"I'm allowed to do nice things for you," Ty Lee replies lightly, sitting at the foot of the bed. Azula looks at the food and sips the hot tea.

"It _is _nice of you," Azula offers, eating the breakfast. Even though it is unbecoming of a princess, it was indeed kind of Ty Lee.

She remembers all of the promises her father made for her birthday. He rarely followed through on requests of dinner, or of breaks from training. Azula was always showered with gifts, but rarely was a birthday a remotely satisfactory occasion. When Mai and Ty Lee were around she would have small parties with them, but all of it was forgotten.

The last birthday she celebrated was her thirteenth, seven years ago. Maybe this one will not be as terrible as the rest. She wonders what happened to the dust of the music box she destroyed last year when she first visited her father in prison.

Azula finishes her breakfast as Ty Lee talks a good deal but says nothing. It used to bother Azula, but now she has gotten used to attempting to listen. Azula sets aside the tray for someone less important than she and her wife to pick up, and presses her lips against Ty Lee's.

"Thank you," Azula says, one of her rare polite moments.

"You said thank you?" Ty Lee's eyes are wide and sparkling. "I have more in store for your birthday."

Azula's lips wander to Ty Lee's. Her fingers slip up her wife's inner thigh. They fall into each other, slow, passionately. It is breathless and intoxicating, as no one knows what body part belongs to who, and Azula feels like a supernova.

She takes easy control, rubbing her sensitive neck along the slight ajar lips of Ty Lee. Her fingers quite delicately stroke the inside of Ty Lee's thigh, making her incredibly wet and overly craving. Their mouths finally meet, tongues intertwined as Ty Lee wraps her legs around Azula, and with their mutual flexibility, they line their familiar bodies up with ease and grind to orgasm.

They don't finish after both of their climaxes; it goes on gently for a while longer, every touch lingering on both of their bodies, hot kisses against feverish skin and fingers against trembling bodies.

Azula walks out of the bedroom after putting on clothes and making herself look presentable. Ty Lee races ahead of her, obviously plotting something. Mai is rocking Izumi, her eyes with purplish rings under them. The baby has just turned a month old and is sucking the life out of Mai and Zuko.

"Happy birthday, Azula," Mai says and Azula is startled that she remembered. Azula nods at her, acknowledging it, and Mai did not expect a thank you.

Mai never had a birthday party. Her parents would give her gifts, but she had mandated time with friends, and she only ever used it with Princess Azula. Azula would always make Mai's birthday worthwhile somehow, and to this day, Mai has never forgotten the date of Azula's birthday. She wasn't _always _a terrible friend; just most of the time.

"I'm getting much older," Azula says to Zuko as she stops on her way to go train. Zuko is looking at sheets of endless papers detailing deals with Republic City. He looks incredibly bored and tired. Azula imagines he would be; he deals with both a baby and being Fire Lord. She somewhat enjoys his floundering. "I missed most of my life."

Zuko looks up at her. "I know the feeling. I lost so much of my life being banished."

Azula nods. "Prison. Father stripping away my childhood. I don't want to run out of time."

Zuko did not expect Azula to open up about something like that. Some days she is bitter and unkind, other days she seems like she has benefited from her crossroads. Today she seems oddly amicable, and Zuko is not complaining. While Azula may have blossomed into the beautiful princess she was meant to be, as Uncle would say, she is incredibly unpleasant to be around, rude, demanding, lacking integrity and needlessly cruel. He would be concerned if Azula were _kind_ or _compassionate_. But friendly, he can live with.

"But you still spend all your glory days practicing bending in the courtyard," Zuko says, smiling faintly. Azula looks momentarily offended, but then shrugs.

"I think my glory days are all over," she replies, thinking of her teenage years. "And I spent most of them in the Broiling Rock."

"You've got a long life ahead of you," Zuko responds. "Your glory days weren't the time you were fighting in the war. They're what you make of them."

Azula does not respond. "You sound like Uncle sometimes," she says chidingly, and then disappears down the hall.

Zuko chuckles to himself.

That night, Ty Lee's surprise is revealed. She set up a party for Azula, albeit small. It consists of only four people, at an expensive bar on the other side of the Capitol from the palace. Zuko and Mai, Izumi left with her nannies and Ursa. Mai looks pleased to drink and forget her mothering troubles, and Azula masks her happiness with coldness and a cavalier attitude.

"I brought darts," Zuko says, holding up a wooden board with targets and characters on it. "I was thinking we could─"

"Mai's on my team!" Azula exclaims and Ty Lee frowns. Zuko sighs regally.

"You can't just shout that out," Zuko says, crossing his arms. "Let Mai decide."

"I'm sorry Zuko, but I want to be on Azula's team," Mai says, and Azula smiles smugly. Ty Lee looks defeated but Azula does not notice.

"Why do you want to be on Azula's team?" Zuko demands, flabbergasted. Mai wishes she did not have to explain this to him.

"Well, since you can only see out of one eye, you don't have great aim or depth perception. Azula also goes all out in every game she plays, and Ty Lee doesn't have that enthusiasm," Mai says as Azula's smirk grows. Zuko scowls.

"Mai, you're my wife. You should be on my team. And Ty Lee should be on Azula's."

"I'm sorry, is that a direct order from the Fire Lord?" Azula asks scathingly and Zuko gives up. _Fine_.

And Mai and Azula wipe the floor with Zuko and Ty Lee, of course, as predicted. Then they dance, Azula having not done so since her wedding.

She spins around on a thousand stars with her wife. They dance together as Azula thinks about Zuko's words, and her glory days being what she chooses them to be.

Maybe she can make up for lost time, after her crossroads.

After the party, Azula kicks off her shoes ─ ones she can bend in despite their discomfort ─ and stands in the courtyard where she used to train. The moonlight glitters, suffocating her. Ty Lee walks to her, moving too fast, a little drunk and seeing stars.

"Remember when you asked if I had ever danced?" Azula asks, holding the sides of her short red dress. She spins and Ty Lee is laughing at her. Azula gives her a wicked glare, but does not stop.

"I think that was Mai," Ty Lee says, sitting down on an archaic stone bench. She watches Azula slowly twirl.

"No, you did, a long time ago. You said you'd dance at your wedding." And Ty Lee is amazed that Azula remembers such an insignificant conversation. Most of the time she does not think her wife even listens to her when she talks.

"I guess I did." Ty Lee does not remember. She blocked out many memories of Azula that she thinks she does not want back.

"I wanted to marry you." Stunned silence.

"Fire Lady Ty Lee doesn't sound half bad." Ty Lee laughs and Azula's smirk fades. She spins slightly faster. "Why didn't you just tell me how you felt?"

"Does that sound like something I would do?" Azula replies, slowing again. Every day she regrets not telling Ty Lee that she was in love with her. They were _basically together_. So why couldn't she seal the deal?

"Not really." Ty Lee swallows and looks at the sky. "If you had I probably would have..." Shrug. "None of that matters anymore. Only right now matters."

Azula's fingertips light up and Ty Lee digs her fingers into the stone bench. Lightning. But she does not aim it at anyone, just spins with its luminescence. It looks like a light show on the slender form of an intoxicating woman.

"I used to spin around with lightning." It dances between her fingers. Ty Lee almost forgets how deadly it is, before getting the ghostly feeling of pain in her scar. "And my father would watch and just laugh. We were happy then."

Azula is oddly open tonight. Today, in fact. Ty Lee wonders what is going through her mind as she offers kindness and honesty for free to those around her.

But she just watches Azula spin, dancing with herself with lightning on her fingertips.

Watches with a small smile.

[X]

The two months between Azula's birthday and her altercation with the New Ozai Society are blissful. Gorgeous summer days spent firebending or occupying herself, long nights with her newlywed wife, the fights of their past forgotten in tongues, lips, hips and smooth legs. It is a nice season, and she wonders often if her life will be like this forever, or if something will happen to steal her happiness away.

Azula has been receiving death threats for some time. Mostly from people who wanted her to follow through with becoming Fire Lord. She burns them casually, ignoring them. Her guard is assigned to protect her as well as to protect others from her.

She is walking through the streets of the Capitol, shopping for a gift for her wife. Ty Lee likes expensive but tacky things, and anything that sparkles. Jewelry is the obvious choice.

Suddenly, fire is coming at her face. She blocks it with ease as the guard around her moves into a fighting stance. The woman garbed in red and a mask, the signature outfit of the New Ozai Society, is an excellent bender. She fights Azula with prowess, picking off the guard as she dodges and blocks blue fire.

Azula finishes off the assassin after a fight that nearly makes her break out in a sweat. The cerulean overwhelms the red, parts of the streets ablaze and pedestrians in absolute terror. Azula runs to the severely burnt assassin and grabs her by the singed shirt.

"What do you want from me?" Azula hisses, seizing her. No law enforcement is at the scene, not even a retired soldier standing up to do something. It simply plays out before petrified innocents. Her guard stands back, allowing her this.

"You won't be the target. I'm not with them," the woman coughs, blood dripping onto Azula.

"Then why do you wear their clothes?" Azula demands, smashing her against the wall. The woman coughs again. She is growing cold; she will be dead before Azula has any answers. "Tell me! I receive death threats; how won't I be the target?"

"I disagree with them. The New Ozai Society lost their way. They're so _wet _for you that they ignore the real problems. They won't come for you. I'm the only dissenter I know of."

Azula wants to ask more, but the woman is dead.

The princess steps back, examining what is her kill. It felt... exhilarating. But the news of the New Ozai Society perturbs her. Perhaps she should not believe a dissenter. The death threats are real. But... she must admit the New Ozai Society would be wise to have her.

People will not follow some aging nationalist.

People would follow Princess Azula.

Perhaps, they are more clever than desiring revenge. Maybe the threats are a diversion. More is happening than she had allowed herself to imagine.

Maybe she should give them more credit.

[X]

"You are so bad at being good," Zuko laughs one month after the assassination attempt. They have been bickering.

"Like I said, it's the only reason we get along. You finally found something you're better at than me," Azula says with a small smirk.

"Bad at being good aside, I want to invite you to something," Zuko says and Azula crosses her arms.

"I don't want you doing me any favors," Azula says sharply and Zuko sighs. She is impossible.

"I want to invite you to go into politics. To help me with the Fire Lord stuff," Zuko says, feeling uncomfortable. Despite their amends, Azula still strikes his nerves.

"My politics included burning down the entire Earth Kingdom; are you sure people want that from me?" Azula purrs, smirking faintly. She _does _want it, even if it is not the same as having an entire nation to herself. It would make her life more worthwhile to be a leader of the Fire Nation, even a second-rate leader.

Sharing power is not Azula's forte. However, at the moment, she will take what she can get and work her way up from there. Purpose might be pleasant.

"It's your choice," Zuko says, shrugging. He knows her answer will be yes.

"I'd like that," she admits, looking pained to say it, but needing to say it nonetheless.

[X]

The day Azula goes back into politics is nearly a year after her attempted coup. Zuko is incredibly trusting; she certainly would never give so much power to someone who was willing to risk everything for the throne. She gazes into the mirror and snaps at servants as she adjusts her crown, examining herself closely.

She remembers the first time she had sex that was not forced. Her gaze did not leave the mirror as she touched her skin and felt her heart race and thought things about herself she never thought she would. This is much like that, but instead of on the shoulders sore from kisses, she focuses on the crown in her hair.

_I'm back in business, I suppose._

Slowly, she walks to the throne room and comes across Mai and Zuko already seated, though the fire is absent.

"You're in my spot," Azula says, crossing her arms. Mai meets Azula's glare with a steely gaze. "This has always been my spot. I sit here. You can sit over there." Azula points across the throne room, to the spot at the right of the Fire Lord.

Azula stands in the familiar throne room, the curtains replaced, the room refurbished after she and Zuko's accident two years ago. Mai is sitting to the left of Zuko, who is watching their disagreement anxiously. The two women are in a standoff about something as insignificant as the seating arrangements of the royal family.

"Azula, you can sit on the right," Zuko offers and she cuts him off with one look. It is the Ozai eye, which Azula has perfected more and more over the years. Zuko looks away and allows his wife and sister to fight it out of their system.

"I've been sitting here since you were in prison," Mai protests, not breaking eye contact with Azula. "I'm pretty sure it's my chair now."

"I was there first." Their argument reverts to a disagreement between children. Azula is seconds away from stomping her foot like a two year old. Mai does not look remotely willing to budge, and Zuko tries to fade into thin air. "Just go sit over there."

"I _want _to sit in my spot," Azula says, raising an eyebrow. Mai stares her down for a moment before sighing and sliding out of the position to the left of Zuko. He shrugs feebly at his wife in hopes of reconciliation. She rolls her eyes.

Azula steps up and sits down and it feels amazing. Being reunited with the throne ─ without trying to murder Zuko and seize it ─ is quite nice. Her years of studying politics and sitting in on her father's war meetings hopefully will not be wasted in the years to come. Although, perhaps they should be re-titled _peace _meetings.

"So, how does it feel to be fully fledged royalty again?" Zuko inquires with a sickening kindness in his tone. Azula only smirks. "Don't evil smile like that when our guests arrive."

"I'll try not to," she says airily, crossing her legs. _Don't tell me what to do._

"We're dealing with the topic of the New Ozai Society today," Zuko informs Azula. She does not let her face show a single expression. Her eyes do not even flicker. "And about the insurgents in the Earth Kingdom, who we think may be related to the New Ozai Society."

"Well, that's something I know about, don't I?" Azula purrs as a gathering of officials enter.

They bow and Azula feels her heart leap slightly. People nod their heads at her, try to show some semblance of respect, but true _groveling_ is something of Azula's past. Their lips do not touch the ground, but their knees do, and that is almost good enough for the princess.

"Thank you," Zuko says. He is such a wimp of a Fire Lord. The only thing intimidating about him is the red flames that reach above Zuko, Azula and Mai's eyes. "We've gathered to discuss the growing problem of the New Ozai Society."

"We've gained new intelligence about their leader, my lord," comes the voice of one of the newly appointed advisors. A man from what once was the Earth Kingdom Colonies. "He is referred to in their correspondence as the General, and nothing else."

Azula is listening more intently than she would like to show. _The General, hm. Probably worked under my father. I might know him. More concerning, he might know me._

"Anything about a connection between the Earth Kingdom Fire Nation insurgents and the ones on the home front?" Zuko asks.

"Yes. It seems their influence is growing rapidly," another advisor says. Hm. Hm. Hm.

Azula is silent for the entirety of the meeting, but she hears more than anyone else in the room.

The New Ozai Society is personal. They _made _it personal when they made her their icon.

And if it is the last thing she does, she will uncover their secrets. She will be their downfall. It is her destiny.

[X]

It is almost the anniversary of the coup. Azula has been dealing with issues between provinces in the Eastern Fire Nation, which Zuko has left up to her. She feels distracted as she examines the case and tries to decide how to mediate. She had endless lessons in this and they serve her well.

_Am I... have I lost myself? Am I just beginning? What the fuck am I? _The year has passed so well. And she cannot help but think that it cannot last for days, she can still feel the monster inside of her clawing at her throat, looking to she sometimes thinks of the words of the only assassin who attempted to kill her; she said Azula would not be the target. Logically, Azula presumed Zuko.

But she is not sure.

The monster claws at her throat every time she thinks about the New Ozai Society.

She still wants to be Fire Lord.

That aching sensation never goes away.

She takes a long, nearly scalding bath and thinks about how far she has fallen. Ty Lee undresses in the bedroom and falls asleep almost instantly, as if it weren't the day before the anniversary of the end of Azula's hope. She has had a pleasant year, she supposes, of love and growth and all of that bullshit.

But the New Ozai Society grows stronger. And she feels weaker. She wishes she were simply in prison.

And the bath becomes so hot that she pulls herself out and wraps a towel around herself, slipping into the bed naked and soaking by her wife, and forcing herself to fall asleep.

Azula dreams of her father. She lies, partially submerged in broiling water that somehow does not hurt. She sees vague outlines of the masks that the New Ozai Society wear, taunting her. But she, naked save for a bikini, sinks into the water. She delves deeper as flames fly at her, submerging herself in the volcanic water.

She is seized by a net and pulled out as she tries to swim away. Dripping and mostly naked, she fights the advisor who she imprisoned. Blue flame versus red, Azula slips on her feet and tries to keep up with him. As a bolt of lightning flies at her from nowhere, interrupting her stance, she is pushed out of the way by strong hands. Not Ty Lee, as she often dreams of when lightning comes at her.

The dream skipping, she finds herself on a throne in darkness, leaning, still dripping wet. The azure flames crackle around her as she watches people in red, wearing masks, approaching her with blades and lit hands. She tries to summon fire and fails, feeling weak and sedated.

They grow closer and closer. Azula can hear them whispering but cannot comprehend the words. She struggles but it is as if she is invisible chains that even she cannot break out of.

Then she wakes up. But she finds herself in the same red swimsuit, and beside her is father.

"I can protect you from them, little princess," her mind conjures his voice perfectly as his lips press against hers. "They think you're their toy. They're wrong; you're mine."

Azula sits straight up, feeling disoriented. She is in her room, Ty Lee sleeping peacefully with a pillow clutched in her arms. The room is dark, the moonlight trickling through the window. Azula controls her breathing.

The nightmare was so vivid; it was painful.

She gets up and goes to find a glass of water.

As the sun rises and she tries to shake off her nightmare, she realizes that today is the anniversary.

Oh, how it wounds.

And in an abandoned bunker on the other side of the Capitol, Kazou stands before the General, the leader of the New Ozai Society. He has just gotten home from Capitol Prison at three in the morning, and then swiftly made his way to the bunker that was set aside by Fire Lord Azulon and forgotten.

It is the home of a gradually stronger and stronger New Ozai Society. People do not take kindly to Fire Lord Zuko. It is easy to get a legion of amoral supporters in the post-war Fire Nation.

"It's predictable, going for her on the anniversary," Kazou says, still uneasy about today's plan.

"We're not trying to be effective," the elder man snarls. "We're trying to make a point."

"And you think it will convince her? I'm thinking it will only enrage her. We should just take out Zuko; why aren't we taking out Zuko?" Kazou exclaims, frustrated beyond belief.

"Just shut up and do what I tell you."

And Kazou obeys his elder. Although, he wonders if his father means to even accomplish the assassination. Not to mention the ridiculous target.

But, today will tell, Kazou supposes. Today will tell if his father has gone senile ─ and he might as well have with this absurd assassination that seems needless, pointless and overly flashy ─ or if they will manage to get Fire Lord Azula into power.

Azula feels a strange shiver throughout her as she gets dressed.


	29. anniversary

chapter twenty-nine: anniversary

* * *

"_So, this is my life. And I want you to know that I am both happy and sad and I'm still trying to figure out how that could be." - The Perks of Being a Wallflower, Stephen Chbosky_

* * *

For five years, Ty Lee dreamt of fire. Every night, it spread from a net beneath her to engulfing the people she loved, one by one. When she woke up, she could almost smell the sweet smoke in her hair. The fire would spread and it would cover her and she would try to scream but her lungs were heavy with thick smoke.

The fire was blue. Always blue.

But the fire in front of her right now is red. Ruby and orange. And it's coming at her face.

She hits the ground. Azula has tackled her and subsequently leapt up. The red flame dissipates with a single touch of her arms. Arrows shoot out in the direction of the three firebenders that initiated the assault. They are all masked and hooded, their garments a more fiery red than the rest of the populace.

One of them is pinned. Azula finishes him off with a quick bolt of lightning.

"Mai, take Ty Lee and go," Azula orders, summoning a swirling ball of fire as she ducks around the attacks. She throws it out and it detonates in the streets. Carts of food explode in flame and the attackers are thrust backwards. They both stand back up.

"We can help you," Mai says, throwing a knife. It collides with the shoulder of one of the benders and he crumples. Azula supposes she has a point, despite the protective and possessive side in her _not _wanting her wife of nearly a year to go cartwheeling into a group of competent benders.

And so they fight together. The attackers increase by four. Azula takes two of them down with a dual blast of blue lightning. Dead. Ty Lee gives another a series of quick jabs. Mai tosses a knife into his throat. Dead.

Only one is left standing. Azula runs to him, ablaze like a supernova, and pins him against a sizzling hot wall. He chokes under her grip. In his shoulder is one of Mai's arrows. Azula heats one of her fingers ablaze and plunges it into the wound. He screams.

"Tell me why you were foolish enough to attack us," Azula demands, growing the flame inside of his wound. He squirms in pain.

"Azula, you're going to kill him! We need to bring him in for questioning!" Ty Lee squeals, but she stands back. Mai is holding her in place. They are stronger. They are.

"You weren't the target," the man coughs. His eyes are wide with terror.

"Oh but my wife was?" Azula purrs. The fire grows. His arm sizzles with the smell of burnt flesh.

"The resistance lives." He rips Mai's arrow from his arm and slits his own throat.

Azula steps back. Ty Lee is coughing, retching. Mai stands still and mute.

_The resistance lives._

"Why were you guys unaccompanied?" Zuko demands, looking terrified. Azula's fingertip is stained dark red, although she tried to wash the blood from it. Ty Lee looks like she is going to faint and Mai is... Mai.

"I don't know, maybe because we're highly trained in advanced combat," Azula purrs, still staring at her finger in distaste. She seems suspiciously unaffected by the events that transpired. "It was a run of the mill assassination attempt. _Relax_. We killed them all."

"Did they say anything about who they were working for?" Zuko asks, starting to pace. He seems genuinely alarmed.

"Azula talked to the last guy," Mai suggests and Azula nods. She has prepared her answer for this inevitable question.

"They were working on their own. I didn't buy it, of course, but he seemed to be under that impression." _The resistance lives._

For some reason, even a year after deciding that ruling the Fire Nation was not worth it, Azula has some fealty to the resistance. The rebellion. They... idolize her and she has to admit she likes the way it strokes her ego. She has nothing to gain by joining them, but she will not bring annihilation upon them.

"The attacks are increasing," Zuko says and the terrible trio can only agree. The resistance has gone from a little-heard of movement, small attacks on shipments of supplies to the other nations and attempted and successful assassinations of those deemed traitors and collaborators, to a full blown threat to everyone's security in the year since the attempted coup.

"Today was the anniversary," Ty Lee says, and Azula intended to neglect to mention it. Of course she knows what it is; her decisions on that night are in the back of her mind daily.

"Of Azula's coup," Mai finishes, her eyes deep in thought. Azula does not speak.

"Well, that's why they attacked foolishly," Zuko says, shrugging. "It wasn't to kill you three. It was to make a point. Showy. Flashy. No wonder they like you so much, Azula."

She has no words.

Immediately after informing Zuko, Azula draws a bath, wrapped naked in a red and gold robe. It is a new silk kimono robe, for the first time. Ridding herself of the old one felt like shedding skin from the days she did not leave her bedroom. She touches her fingertips to the water and it runs slightly pink from the blood of the man she questioned. She heats it hotter than it should go with her firebending, and slips inside.

With a single finger, she lights the red and white candles that line the bathtub. Wax sticks to the porcelain rim, not cleaned by the worthless servants.

The hot water feels nice. Her limbs hurt. She trains every day for hours, as she has since she was a child, but she somehow managed to strain herself in a quick five minute fight. The panic, maybe. And her thoughts are spinning.

She assumed she was the target. She started getting death threats around the time of the trials, but also a blossoming of support. No longer, Azula assumes, is she an icon of the resistance. There is no way they could form a rallying around someone who spared Zuko and gave up the throne willingly.

_The resistance lives_.

Then who was the target? Mai could be probable. To hit Zuko by killing his wife. Ty Lee... you could say the same thing about. But this resistance knows everything about Azula; they must have been aware that the men they sent would be butchered by the three combat experts.

She sinks further into the bath.

"I'm walking in," Ty Lee says, as if Azula would care. "You're taking a romantic bath by yourself?"

"I guess," Azula says airily, further into the water. Her lips touch the surface. The pink from the blood of the rebel has faded into the water, leaving it crystalline clear.

Ty Lee touches her hand to the water and instantly yanks it out. "How hot is that?" She shakes it off, skin burning.

"I'm training for my prison escape," Azula purrs, smirking faintly.

"I was going to join you but it feels _volcanic_," Ty Lee says. She picks at things on the counter beside the bath. She settles on a golden comb. It is engraved with Azula's name, and was one of the multitude of gifts after her birth.

Azula does not move as Ty Lee starts running it through Azula's half-wet hair. It feels oddly uncomfortable, but Azula's thoughts are still on the assassination attempt that was doomed to fail. Slow brushes, combing nothing.

"Perhaps, you have a perspective on this," Azula says, more wanting to break the silence than expecting Ty Lee to have an answer. "They sent a handful of relatively incompetent foot-soldiers after all three of us at the same time. People know what we're capable of. We're not underestimated like we were at fourteen. Why would they do that? It was a suicide mission."

Ty Lee makes one of her baby animal faces. Sparkling eyes, pouty lips; the one she made when she _really really _didn't want to be called on in class. Azula suppresses a sigh, and continues to bear the combing of her raven locks.

"It concerns me. That they lash out now. Last year, Mai told me that she thought they were biding their time," Azula muses aloud, knowing most of it is lost on her wife.

"They were waiting for your return from prison," Ty Lee says and Azula is momentarily surprised. She purses her lips contemplatively. "They knew that people won't follow some Admiral or even your father. The only person other than Zuko that the Fire Nation would ever follow would be _you_. That's why you're their icon. There are plenty of symbols of the Fire Nation's previous affluence. And if they just needed a face to get people to sign up, they'd use your father."

"Clearly, I'm no longer an option. So why did their _failing_, make them stronger?" Pause. "I would first assume that they're cornered animals. But they could so easily retreat if they were that frightened. There's something else going on."

_I was not the target. But who?_ is Azula's dominating thought.

"Revenge can be a powerful motivator," Ty Lee says with a careless shrug, as if the New Ozai Society does not matter at all. Azula moves a little too quickly and the comb topples into the water. It falls onto her hip. Ty Lee reaches into the scalding bath and withdraws it, brushing her burning fingertips against Azula's bare skin. Hesitantly, she sets it back on the counter.

"I hope it's revenge. I really do," she says earnestly, because she does not want to think about the implications of a rebellion with a plan. A resistance that she scorned.

_The resistance lives._

[X]

Uncle arrives by sea. Azula stands with Zuko, her eyes flitting around, searching for any threat. Zuko is grinning like an idiot and talking to some merchant sailor. Azula wants to throttle him; she imagines her hands around his neck and the sensation of bones cracking under her palms.

"Stop looking so paranoid," Zuko snaps and Azula grits her teeth.

"If you were an assassin, would you not strike when the only three eligible Fire Lords were in one public, hard to defend place?" Azula replies sharply and Zuko has to admit she has a point.

Then he turns to face her. "You didn't... _you _didn't hire an assassin to kill me and Uncle, did you?"

Azula rolls her eyes and does not dignify that with a response. Zuko stuffs his hands in his pockets like some kind of ruffian as Uncle's ship arrives. He comes out carrying several bags of belongings, despite only staying for a week. Oh, how Azula hates him.

"It's good to see you, nephew," uncle says grandiosely, embracing Zuko tightly. Azula takes two steps back but it is too late; he drags her into his arms. "And Azula."

He smells like Ba Sing Se. Azula _hates _Ba Sing Se. But he moves away from her and examines them both like they are little children and he is back from war briefly.

And so General Iroh makes his annual visit to his homeland.

At dinner, Azula is most uncomfortable. Everyone is ignoring the fact that it is the anniversary of her coup. People tend to pretend it didn't happen, and they do it because they assume acknowledging it will upset her. If there is anything she hates, it is being treated as if she is fragile.

"Why is she putting food on my plate?" Azula demands, staring at the slobbery mushrooms the baby has been taking off of her own plate and putting on Azula's. Azula hesitantly reaches to the unwelcome additions to her meal and places them back on Izumi's plate.

The entirety of the royal family, are sitting in the dining room. It is an informal formal dinner. Zuko has cut up food for the ten month old infant daughter, who has Azula's eyes, as everyone feels the need to point out. And now Izumi has decided that it is better suited for her unwilling aunt. Iroh is laughing at the scene Azula and Izumi are making.

"Alright, I've lost my appetite," Azula says, tossing her plate in the general direction of a servant. Mai averts her eyes, chortling. Some things never change.

"She likes you, Azula," Ty Lee says, making faces at the baby. Izumi claps gleefully. "She wants to _share _with you."

"This baby is always touching me. And making those sounds that are almost words but _not_. I don't know what it wants from me," Azula says, switching seats with her wife. Izumi starts playing with Ty Lee's hair. It is welcome, unlike when Izumi seizes Azula's bangs and tugs.

"You know, babies like prettier people," Ty Lee offers, but Azula does not accept.

Ursa dares to interject with, "You'll like your own children."

Azula glares in response. Uncomfortable silence all around. Ursa should know better than to engage in conversation with her daughter, but she still tries. It seems that she is under the impression that she can change her daughter. It repulses Azula.

"So," Zuko says, desperately looking for a way out of the situation, "tomorrow Azula and I are meeting with the Earth Kingdom delegates."

"About the New Ozai Society?" Ty Lee asks, putting food into Izumi's mouth. The baby seems to like it.

"Yes. The insurgence there," Azula purrs, looking into her cup of tea. It is cold. Today was terrible. "Maybe we can find answers."

"And help the Earth Kingdom," Zuko prods, constantly embarrassed by his sister.

"That too, of course," Azula lies.

"Will you take a nap with me?" Azula asks, her eyes drooping. She falls into her bed and nearly topples off of it. Ty Lee is putting her hair into a twisted, braided up-do. Studded with rubies, for some reason. A crown twisted into it. It is relatively impressive, for someone who wore a braid every day for years and still got it tangled half of the time.

"I was just about to go out for the evening," Ty Lee says and Azula is vaguely reminded of their reunion at the circus. Azula gets what she wants. "But... yeah... okay. One hour tops."

She caves in so easily. Azula has already pulled her blankets over herself and is half asleep. The meeting was surprisingly pleasant, but also incredibly exhausting. She finds it relatively hard to believe that Zuko deems her fit to join him in delegations with the Southern Water Tribe. But she accepts, nonetheless. Politics are almost relieving compared to the past two years of struggling for redemption.

And the past year of married life. It has not been easy. Particularly overseeing the trials of those who aided her in the coup that she got out of without a single punishment. Not even community service. Perhaps people hate her more than they ever did, but at least she has not had any rocks thrown at her.

Ty Lee presses her body against Azula's, their limbs intertwining in odd contortions. The flexibility of the greatest firebender who ever lived and the circus freak is impressive, and needlessly unusual. And Azula falls asleep, Ty Lee stroking her raven hair once she is too unconscious to notice it.

The acrobat's own hair is ruined as she lies against the coal black pillows. She spent a good deal of time to it, but, eh, sacrifices of love. Their relationship has not been perfect; she did, in fact, fall in love with a monster. But if Azula were too change too much, Ty Lee's heart might not be so caught up in her talons.

And Azula still has yet to shake her daytime sleeping habit. Ty Lee almost enjoys it, just lying there together. Maybe this was what she always wanted, as odd as it sounds. A vaguely masochistic relationship with the insane Fire Nation Princess. But, hey, she supposes she is royalty.

It has been a challenging day for Azula. This morning they were attacked by the resistance, then she had some kind of royal meeting ─ her first since her father's regime. And she answers her problems with sleeping, as has become the habit since her first downfall.

But now Princess Azula is on the rise. And her wife is with her every step of the way.

Azula wakes up at sunrise. Her old habit has returned over the past year, when she has returned to training incessantly. Later today she meets with the Earth Kingdom delegates, and it will require a clear head. And nothing better clears the head than practicing until her toes bleed and her mind can fathom nothing but lightning, balance and clarity.

But her wrist is grabbed as soon as she is about to leave.

"Trying to escape?" Ty Lee asks, grabbing her and pinning her down. Azula could easily brush her off, but she thinks she likes where this is going.

"I was going to train," Azula says as Ty Lee kisses her neck.

"I am much more interesting than lightning," Ty Lee says, smiling.

"And ten times as unpredictable," Azula replies smoothly, sinking back into the bed.

Ty Lee kisses her forcefully, holding her wrists tightly against the mattress. Azula does not resist, though it is not her style to be overpowered. A kiss per inch of her body, tearing off clothes as she moves, Azula trembling ever so slightly. She lets go of Azula's wrists, slipping down, lips grazing the surface of Azula's gradually bared skin, but Azula does not move, she simply gives in.

Toes curl into the red mattress. Needlessly loud; certainly servants are now aware of this.

And Azula reciprocates, albeit with more force.

_My training schedule is completely ruined_.

She skips bending for the first time in a long time, bathes herself, tries to make herself presentable, and meets Zuko outside of the palace. He examines her with scrutiny, and finally nods in approval.

"Try not to be... offensive," he says and Azula smirks.

"I will. Oh, I will."

Zuko's stomach twists.

Azula has been by his side in politics for a few months now, and she does surprisingly well. But sometimes he looks in her eyes and sees that the deceit remains.

Maybe it can't last.

The meeting goes well, at least. Azula negotiates far better than her brother, and she takes great pleasure in the fact. She gets the Fire Nation what they want, and also helps the Earth Kingdom with their little resistance problem.

It should have been perfect, but Azula feels hollow.

"How did it go?" Ty Lee demands the instant Azula is through the door. The moon has risen, and the sky is indigo. Azula lies down, having no desire to discuss the events of the day.

"Fine. Nothing went _wrong_." _I just felt entirely wrong_. Ty Lee makes a knowing face, as if she can see right through Azula ─ which is entirely possible ─ but she does not say anything. "I feel patronized by it."

"Zuko wants you involved. You're in a leadership position; shouldn't that make you happy?" Ty Lee says, finishing combing out her hair. It cascades down her shoulders like a waterfall.

"I don't know." _I should be happy. But I'm not. I'm not and I have no idea why._

"Maybe it's just hard to get back into things. It'll probably get better," Ty Lee says, walking to the bed. She lies down, her legs curled.

"People don't respect me anymore," Azula remarks bitterly, crossing her arms.

"That's ridiculous," Ty Lee snaps, although she knows it has some merit.

"Hmph." Azula turns over and drags the silky blankets higher over herself. Ty Lee sighs, tossing her hair out of her face with a flick of her wrist and lying down, head on the rose tinted pillow.

Azula pretends to sleep for an hour to get out of conversation. Ty Lee stares at the dark ceiling.

In the morning, Azula wakes up and finds her uncle brewing tea. They are the only ones awake and she wonders if the sun wakes him up like her.

"Is that citrus?" Azula asks and General Iroh jumps as if something was thrown at him. He examines the tea for a moment, and then looks at Azula. She is used to frightening people.

"No; it's white tea," he says slowly, tilting his head to the side. He is wondering why she is talking to him, when she usually avoids him like the plague.

"Can I have some?" Azula asks and Iroh chews on the inside of his cheek. He only made enough for himself, but he pours her a cup. She sits down and stares at it. "You gave me more than you gave yourself."

"Of course I did; you're the guest at our... tea party." Even Uncle finds this awkward, and Azula has the sudden urge to hide under the table. But she supposes he _is _family, if that means anything. Not that being related is any guarantee of love.

They sit in silence for a moment, sipping tea. Azula is loath to admit that it is excellent; by far, it is the best she has ever had.

"Do you always wake up at dawn, uncle?" Azula asks, attempting to make this less awkward. He nods slowly. "So do I. Old habits die hard."

"You look sad," General Iroh says and Azula bites down on her lip. She does not approve of him analyzing her like those who whisper about her in the street. "A year ago today you made the best decision you ever have. No one has forgotten that."

"I don't want a celebration," Azula snarls, her lip curled like a vicious animal. Iroh is taken aback. "I want to go back in time and make a different decision."

Iroh pauses. He did not expect her to say that. From what he has heard, she has been happy and well-adjusted for the first time in her life. She has been a blissful newlywed, interacting with her family and regaining the favor of the Fire Nation with her surprisingly wise decisions and well-educated leadership. But somehow, she is still bitter about the throne.

"Do you feel unhappy with your life?" Iroh asks, prying where he should not. But Azula sighs.

"I'm happy and I'm sad and I don't honestly know how that's possible," she says, staring at her tea as if it can give her the answers she seeks.

And Iroh is stunned by her openness. More so, he is shocked that she is being open to _him_. But he does not think it is a bad thing. The last time he saw Azula, he was standing in for Fire Lord because she had electrocuted her brother and tried to steal the throne.

But her crossroads came to an end.

"It was supposed to be perfect after one side won," Azula continues, sounding frustrated. Her composure is absent, her walls of ice plummeted. And Iroh is still rendered speechless by it. "Why am I not happy? Tell me. Why?"

And Iroh can only reply, "I don't know."

[X]

"I'm so excited to see Suki and Sokka!" Ty Lee cheers, overseeing the decorations being laid out for their visit. Azula shrugs. She doesn't _mind _them, particularly, but they are most certainly not her friends. "They had their baby, you know."

"She was pregnant?" Azula asks, surprised. She is lying on the sofa, her body sprawled regally. She looks with disdain at the decor and her wife's kindness to the servants.

"Yes. I think he was conceived after our wedding reception," Ty Lee says and Azula rolls her eyes. _Peasants_. "It's a little boy!"

"Why are you so excited about other people's babies? Izumi is enough and now we have this little..." Azula trails off. Ty Lee is making a hurt face and Azula does not continue voicing her offensive train of thought. "I suppose I don't mind them."

Ty Lee ignores her as she returns to kindly ordering people around. Azula yawns pointedly, stands up, and goes to locate Mai. Her dull friend is likely a thousand times more interesting than Ty Lee's fetish for water peasants.

Azula finds Mai in the dining room, looking annoyed at her food somehow. It is lunchtime but Azula is nowhere near hungry. She picks up a cup of juice and sips it, examining Mai closely.

"She's pretty excited about this Suki and Sokka thing, isn't she?" Mai remarks and Azula shrugs. The princess sits down and crosses her legs. "She's going to want to have a baby."

Azula chokes on her juice, then quickly regains her composure. "That's ludicrous."

"Nope, it's really not. She'll see Suki's baby and next thing you know she'll be demanding a child," Mai says, sounding incredibly smug about it. Azula chews on her lip. It almost sounds like it could be true.

"She would realize that I would have to be pregnant," Azula says slowly and Mai can see a tiny glint of fear in her eyes. It amuses Mai mildly as she picks at her food. "She couldn't make that decision for me."

"Oh, but she will coerce you," Mai says softly, smirking. Azula swallows.

"I can't be _coerced_. I'm a manipulator," Azula purrs, though her voice falters slightly. Mai shrugs.

"I don't care either way. But it's going to happen," Mai says as she hears the loud and overconfident voice of Sokka from the entrance hall. Azula's eyes flash wide for a moment, before she finishes her juice and wipes the scared expression from her face.

Azula slowly stands up, and with powerful, deliberate strides, leaves Mai behind. Mai snickers at Azula's clear fear of motherhood. It is not as bad as it seems.

"How's my favorite couple?" Sokka cheers as Ty Lee wraps her arms around him. Azula feels a twist of envy in her gut as she sees the way her wife's cleavage presses against the peasant's chest. The way they both share a knowing smile.

Azula looks at Suki, who is carrying a small baby. Its nose is running and it is wrapped in a Water Tribe blanket. She tries not to make a face of displeasure.

_"You'll like your own children."_

"It's nice to see you, Ty Lee. And, uh, Azula," Suki says and Azula fights the urge to frown. She _did _torture Suki relentlessly, which may result in a certain discomfort between them. But Azula bears the friends of her wife; it is the _right _thing to do, although Azula is infinitely better at doing the _wrong _thing.

"And little Hakoda," Ty Lee says, reaching forward and touching the baby. Azula steps back to avoid it being forced into her hands. Izumi is difficult enough.

"How long are you staying?" Azula asks sharply and Ty Lee cringes. Suki makes that judgmental sound in her throat, but Sokka is blissfully oblivious.

"A week," Suki explains, an artificial sweetness in her voice. Azula nods; it won't be completely unbearable.

"You're going to be at the meetings, aren't you?" Sokka asks, examining Azula closely. He has heard that Zuko has given her a large chunk of power, and often attends summits and affairs with her. She nods again, not revealing much. Sokka is perturbed by it, but he has heard she is a reformed villain now. Not that he wants to believe it.

"Hakoda should meet Izumi," Ty Lee says, still fawning over the baby. Azula does not understand it.

Azula prepares to bear the company of Suki and Sokka.

And anxiously awaits to see if Mai will be proven right or wrong.


	30. conception

chapter thirty: conception

* * *

_"Maybe this was what love meant after all: sacrifice and selflessness. It did not mean hearts and flowers and a happy ending, but the knowledge that another's well-being is more important than one's own."  
\- Lost in Time, Melissa de la Cruz -_

* * *

"That was pointless, father," Kazou growls impatiently. "We didn't even land a scratch on any of them."

And the General only laughs. "I don't think anyone could defeat those three together. We'd have to separate them to harm them."

"So you just wanted to do something flashy?" Kazou grits his teeth. Chest-thumping and military bravado. Of course the nationalist movement cares more about flexing their muscles than landing punches.

"That was just a little show, Kazou," the General says. "I have more planned. Now relax and kindly do as you're told."

[X]

The meeting Sokka and Suki traveled to the Fire Nation for is held in a building that was renovated after the war. Pro-Fire Nation propaganda and proud portraits of warmongering historical figures have been taken down and replaced with more multicultural decor. Azula says nothing about how distasteful she finds it. Is it wrong to love your nation, despite what it has done in the past?

Zuko walks alongside her, heading to a conference table. They have dressed formally, and so have all of the Southern Earth Kingdom leaders already awaiting the Fire Lord and his sister's arrival. Azula sits beside Zuko, mouth shut tightly. Her speeches are acclaimed ─ those Zuko allowed ─ but they invite murmurs of discontent by those who preferred her as Fire Lord.

Well, at least she is putting the forcible training to use. When her life was stripped away as a youth, this was all she was taught. How to be well received politically, how to get what she wants and how to be father's perfect weapon.

She personally dislikes Zuko ordering her around, though he is pathetically kind about it. His power over her is not exerted in the manner of tyrants, but it pisses her off sometimes. Still, he has offered her a life far better than one in prison or in a prison without bars, so she goes ahead with what he says.

Sokka and Suki are at the table, along with many faces Azula does not recognize. It seems, six years after the war ended, there is still an impossible amount of work to be done.

"It's wonderful to see you all," Zuko says warmly and Azula tries not to laugh. He does not have half of the training that she does. "Let's discuss the cities that were devastated in raids and occupations."

Azula is struck by a memory of Chin Village. She personally conquered it, on her search for the Avatar. One man who she does not recognize as the mayor she had Mai torture with blades introduces himself as a representative. He looks at Suki nastily, and Azula does not know why.

She feigns that she does not recognize the name, though his eyes meet hers and flicker away with fear.

"Pollution is mostly on our lists of demands," says a man who's village was turned into a mine for coal. "We're rebuilding, but the wildlife is growing back slowly."

And so Azula tries to abet those who she and her forefathers desecrated.

[X]

"Who's cute? Who's cute? Who's cute?" Ty Lee murmurs, holding the little baby. Azula reads over the promised reparations for the coal mines and factories beside her wife on the sofa. Suki looks relieved for her son to be in the arms of someone else, and Azula makes mental note of that. So far, Ty Lee has said nothing about their own baby. Maybe Mai was wrong.

"You did well in that meeting, Princess Azula," Suki says, surprisingly using Azula's proper title. Azula looks up. The compliment feels patronizing.

"I'm aware," Azula replies icily, immediately returning to the endless papers.

Suki purses her lips, her eyes flashing. Sokka laughs uproariously with Zuko in the other room. Azula briefly wishes she were in there instead of with the baby and the obnoxious Kyoshi Warrior. As much as she regards Sokka with frustration, and her brother annoys her out of her mind, they are preferable to this uncomfortable situation.

"You're cute. Yes, _you're_ cute," Ty Lee says, grinning. Azula glances at her. Maybe Mai is right.

And that night, Azula curls up in bed, exhausted from putting on the facade of caring about the Earth Kingdom dilemmas. She will dream of father tonight, more than she usually does, solely from the constant mentioning of his orders. It is, needless to say, unpleasant.

Ty Lee starts rubbing her back, as if she can sense Azula's unhappiness. They lie there together peacefully.

"So I was wondering something," Ty Lee says softly, digging her fingers into exactly where she knows it will relieve stress. Azula closes her eyes, still seeming dismayed. "I was looking at Hakoda, and Izumi, and I was thinking that we should have a baby."

Azula's eyes open. That is her only reaction. _Mai was right. Fuck her._

"We've only been married a year," Azula says, turning over, free of Ty Lee's gently massaging hands. "It's not necessary yet. I mean, eventually, of course, it's necessary for the royal line to live on but─"

Ty Lee kisses her. Azula leans into it slightly.

"My answer is still no," Azula whispers as Ty Lee starts undoing her shirt.

"Come _on_, Azula. You know that you want to." This is incredibly confusing sex. "A little baby with gold eyes and your lips and..."

Azula silences her with a kiss, a familiar motion for both of them. "I'm not in a good enough mood to discuss this. The fucking Earth Kingdom and─" Kiss.

Ty Lee's fingers move up Azula's thigh, displacing her robe. She tugs at Azula's red lace underwear and Azula thinks quickly. This is reckless and insane, and she thinks it is an attempt to exploit her, but she removes her clothes, wrapping her legs around the acrobat.

They move against each other, lips and legs interlocked. A forceful motion of hips, heated arousal. Azula's thoughts wander briefly to Izumi's eyes, which look so much like hers, and to the fact that she has thought briefly about what her baby would be like. Ty Lee is gasping, close to orgasm, and it makes the thoughts of making a child disappear from Azula's mind.

All she feels is pleasure. She forgets Ty Lee's request, and she forgets her struggles with politics.

[X]

Azula wakes to the sunlight in her eyes. She feels good, glowing, body purring. She feels the need to get up and train, but she has not felt so tired in a long time. Ty Lee is still sleeping; Azula briefly remembers her conked out in the Earth Kingdom as Azula and Mai paced and tossed and turned, incapable of sleep.

Princess Azula gets up and dresses in her bending clothes, and goes to locate breakfast. Mai is eating, Zuko trying to hush Izumi. And then Azula quickly recalls the fact that she will have to give Ty Lee an answer on whether or not she is going to get pregnant.

"You were right, Mai," Azula sighs, sitting down and grabbing a piece of fruit. She loses her appetite.

"Ty Lee asked?" Mai says and Zuko looks confused. His ignorance must be bliss.

"Yes. I don't know what I'll say," Azula says, frowning briefly. Zuko is surprised that she is opening up about her thoughts; usually she likes to keep people guessing. "I somewhat want it. But doesn't she realize how complicated it will be?"

"What are we talking about?" Zuko asks as Izumi starts wailing again. "Sh, sh, sh..."

"Azula and Ty Lee may or may not be having a baby," Mai says and Zuko's eyes widen. His scar stretches as he has the look of an animal captured by a hunter.

"Who's the father going to be?" Zuko demands and Azula shrugs.

"She clearly didn't think it through. We'd have to find someone who fits our criteria. And mine is _difficult_, believe me," Azula purrs, looking strangely composed. Ty Lee enters the dining room with light and graceful steps.

"Good morning," she chirps blithely. She sits down on Azula's lap and Zuko frowns. Mai smirks at her husband's discomfort at the fact that his sister is not completely celibate.

"I completely apologize for me and Mai making out all over the house when we were younger," Zuko says to Azula and she smirks. "It's gross."

"I kind of want to swat you two with something sometimes," Mai says, sipping her heavily caffeinated tea. Azula kisses her wife pointedly as Zuko groans. Izumi grabs Zuko by the ponytail and yanks him downwards. Mai picks up a spoon and whacks Ty Lee's shoulder gently. "Bad."

"_She_ kissed _me_!" Ty Lee rubs her arm. But she knows no one would hit Azula with anything for fear of her _combusting_.

"You guys should get pregnant," Mai says and Azula is stunned. Ty Lee's eyes glitter. "I officially, as Fire Lady, declare you ready for this."

Azula gives her a biting glare. "Then _you _have to help us find a father."

Mai shrugs. "I guess."

Little does she know how difficult such a feat is.

Ty Lee disappears to find paper on the bidding of Fire Lady Mai, leaving the two old best friends alone. Zuko is long gone to attend to Fire Lord duties, and Azula is sipping juice with a sour expression on her face. Mai finds it quite funny.

"Why would you suggest that to her?" Azula finally asks as soon as the sound of Ty Lee's footsteps disappear.

"Well, I'm a mother."

"Yes but that doesn't mean _I _should be."

And Mai can only laugh. "Remember when you braided my hair with Ty Lee's?"

"That had to have happened more than once," Azula sighs, staring at the bottom of her freshly emptied crystal glass.

"The time she had lice." Pause. Azula frowns.

"I didn't know she did; I swear," Azula says honestly, but Mai does not believe her.

"Ty Lee is not smart enough to think up something that diabolical."

"She's not as dumb as she looks," Azula protests, pouting. But Mai will never believe Azula, no matter what the princess says.

"Anyway, she said she was sharing her misery. Think of it like that." Mai chuckles as Azula's golden eyes narrow.

And Ty Lee eagerly returns with parchment and ink.

[X]

Hours later, Zuko is going for a pleasant walk through the palace.

"What are you doing?" Zuko asks, stepping into a repurposed war meeting room and seeing Azula, Ty Lee and Mai focused on a sheet of paper. It has a line drawn down the middle, and one side is nearly filled with bullet points, and the other only has four things written on it.

"We're making the criteria for the father of Azula and Ty Lee's baby," Mai sighs, looking unhappy with her job. Zuko peers over her shoulder at the paper.

"Why does Azula's have so few?" he asks, squinting at it.

"We cut her off after she said he had to be able to hold his own against her in an Agni Kai," Mai says. "Her other criteria were, _I have to be willing to have sex with him_, _he has to look Fire Nation _and _he has to be noble blooded at least four generations back_. Hers are significantly more difficult than Ty Lee's, which are mostly reworded requests for him to be attractive and wealthy."

"He has to be able to hold his own against you in an Agni Kai?" Zuko asks in disbelief and Azula nods casually.

"I want my baby to be a powerful firebender," she says, as if commenting on the weather.

"You're going to fight every candidate for fatherhood?" Zuko asks, still incredulous.

Ty Lee's eyes suddenly flash wide as she is hit with an idea. "Why don't we make them fight _each other _shirtless?"

Azula stares at her for a moment and Mai is unsure what her reaction would be. "That would probably narrow the choices down. Though the lack of shirts is unnecessary."

"I think it's necessary," Mai says dryly and Azula shrugs. The Fire Lady jots down the idea on the bottom of the paper.

"So how do you plan on finding these candidates?" Zuko asks, sitting down beside Ty Lee.

"Some kind of party or something," Mai says, setting down her pen. "I think we'll have plenty of contestants."

"How are you so certain?" Zuko looks skeptical.

"Because the grand prize is a threesome with these two. Or more than one," Mai says and Zuko makes a face as if he has just bitten into something rotten. "Oh, grow up."

"Good luck then, setting your criteria," Zuko says before clearing his throat and excusing himself from the room. Ty Lee laughs.

[X]

"Are we really making invitations to this?" Azula demands, looking at Ty Lee decorating royal letters. Mai is helping her, as she has been forced to do. Izumi is in one of her arms, petting her mother's hair as she sleeps.

"We kind of have to. Anyway, the palace has a severely underused ballroom," Mai says, finishing the royal seal on one of them. "Ty Lee and I have narrowed down the contestants─"

"Don't call them that," Ty Lee says, as if there are spies everywhere. She sounds mildly panicked. "Let's _not _scare them away."

"So these are all the most eligible firebending nobles?" Azula asks airily, crossing her arms. She bores her eyes into Mai, daring her to lie.

"Yes. The most attractive, according to Ty Lee, best at firebending noble men. Now relax," Mai says and Azula is briefly expressionless.

She has to admit she has a certain sense of foreboding as the ball approaches. While it will be nice to deem whoever she wants to be the father, the idea of all of it fills her with anxiety that she refuses to show or discuss. Azula walks out of the room, returning to her business as usual, though her stomach is churning.

That night she stares at the ceiling for hours. Ty Lee is still making arrangements with Mai, deciding on Azula's fate. Azula is trying to figure out what intimidates her more: motherhood itself or the act of conception. She feigns not caring whenever Ty Lee brings up with excitement the journey to parenthood, but really, she is filled with fear. Fearless except when it comes to simple matters like getting pregnant. This should be _easier _than conquering Ba Sing Se, not _harder_.

Ty Lee wanders in, pouncing on Azula. Azula pulls away, unwilling, as her wife is startled. Ty Lee purses her lips, suddenly extremely worried. While Azula did promise never to lie to her, it never occurred to Ty Lee that Azula could be unhappy about having decisions made for her on the topic of the baby. The spontaneous decision seems to be straining the relationship of the two girls, despite Azula's words of reassurance.

"What's wrong?" Ty Lee asks, touching Azula's face. Azula is as still as a statue.

"I just don't feel like it," she says calmly, though her hands are shaking slightly. Ty Lee touches them and Azula is momentarily aware of the fact that her charade may be becoming transparent.

"If you don't want to do this..." Ty Lee whispers, feeling so _stupid_. How could that never occur to her? Is she so blinded by selfishness? "If you don't want to do the sex part or the parenting part or anything..."

Azula clenches her teeth for a moment. "I'm fine with this. Stop being so _worried_. We'll just select a man and conceive a baby and then take care of it and it will be perfectly okay."

She sounds _terrified_. Ty Lee does not think she notices how scared she sounds. The acrobat touches the princess and while her heart is calmly pumping and she has put her shaking under control, she must be scared. Ty Lee has always envied Azula's control over herself, but it makes it difficult to notice when something is upsetting her.

"I really care about you; you know that, right?" Ty Lee whispers, resting her head on Azula's shoulder.

"I would tell you if I was worried," Azula lies and Ty Lee closes her eyes. She knows it is not true, but she does not get angry. Compromises.

"You don't want to have sex with a guy, do you?" Ty Lee breathes, it suddenly hitting her.

"I have before," Azula says carelessly before clenching her fist and turning out the light. Ty Lee feels slightly queasy. "I'm exhausted. Let's just go to sleep and I assure you you'll be less concerned in the morning."

Ty Lee does not sleep.

[X]

Azula allows servants to prepare her for the ball. She tries to relax, but her mouth is dry and her throat hurts. _Perhaps I'm ill. Maybe that's it._

The party is tonight and every single man replied that he was coming. Azula supposes she will have a decent amount to choose from, and Ty Lee and Mai promised that she could decide who she wanted to be the father. She has to control her breathing all day to keep from having a panic attack, and avoid others at all cost to lessen the risk of her emotions being caught.

Ty Lee is dressed beautifully, happy with her make-up and hair. Azula looks wonderful too and the acrobat cannot stop staring at her. Azula assumes her wife is trying to analyze if she is uncomfortable with this or not, and she wants to snap at her to stop staring, but holds her tongue. Sacrifices and all of that bullshit.

The stars are beautiful tonight; it is crystalline clear and there is a full moon over the lush green land. Azula gazes out of the window as Ty Lee greets endless guests both male and female, but mostly male. Most of the females are the male's mothers and Azula finds it pretty funny.

_I have to be collected. Composed. Calm. I've trained for this. I can handle this, _Azula repeats in her head.

Mai touches her arm. "It's not as bad as you think."

"I am incredibly excited to be a mother," Azula lies and Mai frowns. "Don't look at me like that. I am."

The Fire Lady knows she will not get a word out of Princess Azula. She will not dare back down on her lies, even though they are weak compared to her usual repertoire of deception. Mai wants to comfort her but does not know the words to do it, so they simply stand beside each other.

Ty Lee dances with men who are exactly her type, and they all offer words of flattery, desperate to win. Azula stands in the corner with Mai, as they are apt to do. Mai commentates on all of the men, trying to cheer Azula up. Her sarcasm is well done, but Azula is not amused.

"One of them is coming at us," Mai whispers and Azula rolls her eyes. She isn't _blind_.

He would be handsome if Azula were into that kind of thing. Careless black hair, muscular, eyes close to gold. Azula supposes he would make a pretty baby, but she does not know what to say to him. He leans against the wall next to her as if it makes him smooth.

"We met once as kids," he says, which is a new pick-up line for sure. Mai studies him closely.

"Well, you're not lying. How did we meet?" Azula asks, leaning in close to him. He does not look overly intimidated, though his eyes flicker momentarily with anxiety.

"My father was one of your father's advisors." It still does not ring a bell, but he still is telling the truth. "It was a brief meeting. You weren't very nice."

"Well, that's no way to win Ty Lee's little game. Insulting the one who decides which of you wins." Azula glances over at the crowd around her wife and the monster within claws at her. She has the urge to shock each one of them with lightning to the heart.

"I'm the only one talking to you. You're the one who runs things. She may be chatting them up, but you're the one who makes the final decision," the son of one of Ozai's advisors says. Azula looks him up and down.

"So you're not stupid. How's your bending?" Azula crosses her arms.

"Not as good as yours," he says, flashing a smile. His teeth are unnaturally white. "But I was in the special units of the military. The best benders."

Azula purses her lips. "Did your father buy you in or did you get in on your own?"

"No idea," he replies and she eyes him closely, looking for signs of deceit. Mai is rather amazed with how Azula is handling this. "Other people seem to be dancing."

"I don't dance," Azula says sharply.

"If you don't want to you don't have to. It's your party, though." He shrugs and Azula fights the urge to punch him. A glance at Ty Lee. A moment of jealousy.

"Alright, maybe I'll dance with you. But promise to upshow all those perverts fawning over my wife," Azula says, grabbing his hand. He winces at the pressure of her fingers, but follows her into the center of the ballroom.

And so the dance begins. Azula utilizes the skills from her wedding, and he seems quite light on his feet. She takes the time that he is distracted by trying to fulfill her request to study him. He actually breathes like a firebender, and he seems to know the forms she is using as she dances. She does not approve of how his hand slips around her back and waist knowingly, dipping lower, but she does think he has _potential_.

Suddenly, hands are thrust between them. "That's enough," Ty Lee says and the mystery man grins. Azula smirks at him; well done.

"You've been dancing with all of these guys all night," Azula purrs and Ty Lee blushes bright pink. Azula then shrugs. "Meet ─ you didn't tell me your name."

"I'm Kazou," he says and Ty Lee examines him for a moment. She pouts at first, and then holds out her hand, shaking his.

"Don't touch my wife's ass ever again, Kazou," Ty Lee says and Azula suppresses laughter.

"He breathes like a firebender," Azula says, not wanting to admit she considers him to have potential. "So few firebenders do."

Kazou smiles at the compliment like a smug moron who has no idea to address royalty. Azula supposes that makes him Ty Lee's type.

"I would be more than willing to show you the extent of my bending capabilities outside," Kazou says and Azula swallows. Hmph.

"This place is boring anyway. Come on, Ty Lee," Azula orders and the trio walk outside. It is a surprisingly cold night; usually going outside is enough to make someone break out into a sweat. "Fight me."

"What?" Kazou asks, an expression of terror crossing his face. Ty Lee hopes Azula has not frightened away the only mate she seems alright with so far.

"You said you were going to show me the extent of your firebending. Fight me," Azula says, kicking off her shoes. She adjusts her skirt, deeming it short enough not to get in the way.

Ty Lee adds, "Take your shirt off too," as Azula gives her a nasty glance for saying it.

Kazou removes his shirt as Azula steps in the middle of the front of the palace. She does not move, while he lights up his fists. Slightly clumsy move, but she will see what he has. He takes a deep breath and runs at her. She blocks his every move, fizzling out his flames as soon as he conjures them.

He sends one punch directly at her, the flame acidic and hot. She flips out of the way and tosses two blades of blue at him from behind. Reacting quickly, he blocks the fire and it dissipates around him. The fight rages, blue against red. His flames are strong, albeit controlled. She is mildly impressed, though she is beating him by a longshot.

Suddenly, Kazou catches her off guard. She is hit by incoming flame that she blocks around her. Azula stops and Kazou remains hesitant, as if expecting retaliation.

"I think you just won," Azula says. His lips part in surprise. "Oh, no, not our fight. But I'm impressed enough to decide that you will be the father of my child.'

Kazou pauses and looks to Ty Lee expectantly.

"You look good shirtless," Ty Lee says with a small shrug. She is mostly just happy that Azula has not killed anyone yet.

"Thank you, princesses," Kazou says, bowing respectfully. Ty Lee likes the way his hair falls a little over his eyes.

[X]

Azula has been in bed for an hour, and the sun is only just setting. She feels slightly haunted, slightly perturbed and is somehow lacking the workload or the drive to distract herself.

Ty Lee walks in and settles beside her. Instantly, she knows something is wrong, but she does not know if she should comment on it or not.

"I talked to your mother about the whole getting pregnant thing. I knew you wouldn't want to." Silence. "You like Kazou, don't you? It shouldn't be too hard."

"This is what we want," Azula says, though it is only half-true. "It'll be fine."

"He seems like a great guy. I already scheduled a date for him to come over."

"That's wonderful."

Azula thinks a lot about sacrifice that night as she tries to sleep. That she has never been selfless in her life, and that she and her love are both terribly spoilt and selfish, but she is willing to do a good deal for Ty Lee, even as much as what she did with Kazou. Is it sick?

Their budding romance was always masochistic. She recalls standing on the ship on the way home from conquering Ba Sing Se. Azula was soaring. It was cold. Ty Lee walked to her as Mai was with Zuko. They were alone. She forced her arm around Azula's waist, making the feeble excuse of, "It's cold."

And Azula replied, "This... whatever you call it... it's just masochism, Ty Lee. Pure masochism."

But she did not walk away.


	31. arctic

chapter thirty-one: arctic

* * *

_Held between heaven and hell as they're dancing_  
_As they dance over and over_  
_Cold_  
_Cold_  
_Crimson and bare as I stand_  
_Yours completely_  
_"Cold" - Aqualung ft. Lucy Schwartz_

* * *

Azula bathes twice, shaves twice, stares at herself in the mirror, readjusts her eyeliner five times, and nearly has about ten panic attacks. Ty Lee is just casually brushing her teeth, looking flawless without trying. _Well if I had tits like that I wouldn't have to worry._

"Azula, relax, it's just a guy," Ty Lee says, spitting the ash and water into the sink. "If you don't want to do this you don't have to. No one is forcing you to have sex with anybody. And I'm going to be with you the whole time."

"I'm just..." Azula shrugs. "I'm not anxious." It is a feeble lie. Ty Lee nods, not bothering to intrude on Azula's panic.

"If this upsets you─"

"I'm not _fragile_! Just because my father slept with me doesn't mean you need to tiptoe around me!" Azula shouts, pointing her sharp fingernails accusingly at Ty Lee.

"I didn't mean that," Ty Lee lies. "I was worried about you being jealous. Or a lesbian. Either one."

Azula can see in her big brown eyes that it is not true, but they are in the habit of not protesting to half-truths, lies and secrets. Ty Lee truly has joined the Fire Nation royal family. Once you start accepting lies as easier than truths, you are part of this fucked up mess of power-hungry, beautiful, golden eyed monsters. She can barely remember when Ty Lee used to have integrity; it is almost as difficult as recalling her first lie.

_"When was the first time you lied to a woman ─_ _other than your mother, of course," Ty Lee breathes. They are on the ship returning from Ba Sing Se, and the circus freak has invited herself into Azula's room, claiming that it is cold at sea._

_"I don't really know," Azula responds, made uncomfortable by the hand on her abdomen. They lie close, Ty Lee claiming it is for warmth and familiarity, but Azula feels as if it is some kind of vengeance for leading her on. Of course, that is somewhat ridiculous, but she cannot help wondering if Ty Lee is more vindictive than her supposed pink aura claims._

_"You don't remember?" Ty Lee asks softly. Her voice is gentler now._

_"Maybe I just don't want to tell you."_

"I'll be fine," Azula says, more to herself than her wife. She snaps back into the moment as the thoughts about the fact she is about to be in bed with a man return to her.

And that night, Kazou shows up. The date was carefully plotted, Ty Lee asking assistance from Ursa against Azula's will. He looks surprisingly well put together, not a hair out of place. Azula wracked her brain from when she met him, and she recalls it. He was forced by his father to wait at the palace, because he was on the way to some kind of firebending display at the Boy's Academy. He was a few years older than Azula, interrupted her from her reading and eavesdropping, and he tried to befriend her. She promptly told him to go fuck himself.

"Hi. I brought flowers or something. I don't know the protocol for this," Kazou says, handing Ty Lee the roses. She accepts them graciously as Azula chews on her lips. "It's an honor to see you two again."

They walk to Azula and Ty Lee's bedroom, as if this is a casual visit. He and Ty Lee are making skilled small talk as Azula's stomach does backflips. She never was good at this _social _thing.

Azula shuts the door and locks it. "Here are the ground rules for our tryst. Don't kiss me. If you value your life _do not kiss her_. I won't do anything I don't want to do. Don't talk."

Ty Lee blushes, eyes bulging. "Please stop intimidating the father of our child."

"It's fine, it's fine," Kazou says, waving a hand but looking terrified. "I respect her rules."

"You better," Azula breathes. She walks to the bed and sits down. Ty Lee is taking off her clothes casually as Azula feels a surge of nerves again. And now Kazou is taking off his clothes, and Azula is frozen.

Ty Lee moves to her with grace, grabbing Kazou's hand. He bends to her surprisingly, a small female pushing a muscled man onto the pillows. Azula tries to look interested. Ty Lee takes her too, straddling her and stripping away her clothes.

She whispers in Azula's ear, as Kazou's eyes are glued to them in a way that makes Azula want to hurt him, "Just pretend it's me."

Azula feels patronized and pitied, but she does as Ty Lee says. She kisses Ty Lee, who keeps dragging their male companion into the mix. Azula briefly does not know whose hands are on her, while Ty Lee is well aware of every second. She is greatly enjoying this, and she would like it to be a more genuine threesome, but keeping Azula engaged and aroused proves more important that feeling up Kazou's muscles and cock.

Finally, Azula is in the arms of a man, not making eye contact, not approving of how much she likes his touch. And they finish together, the act of conception that had to happen in order for this to work.

"You can leave now." Azula pulls away from Kazou as soon as he finishes. He looks startled for a moment and Ty Lee apologetic.

And he obeys Azula, hastily putting on his clothes before he walks away. Azula lies down on her back, not bothering to locate her clothes. Her body feels cold even though she is sweaty and it is broiling hot outside. Ty Lee just kind of sits there, staring, wondering if she should say something.

But neither of them speaks.

[X]

_Seven years ago, Azula is on the verge of a panic attack. She is thirteen and utterly convinced that she is pregnant. It has no foundation in evidence; she has yet to be due for a period and she has no symptoms of pregnancy at all. But, they told the girls about it at school and it automatically started a wheel of anxiety churning in her mind._

_She is a confident person. Rarely, does she let her thoughts or worries control her. But she is genuinely afraid. Completely terrified. If I'm pregnant my life is ruined. That's what the instructors said. She misses her shot of lightning and knocks over a tree._

_"I think that's enough for today, princess," the instructor of the season says in a condescending tone. She decides she will need a new one. They don't teach her anything anyway; they are merely meant to supervise and guide her training, reporting to her father like some kind of sick spies. "You've been off on every form."_

_Azula glares at him and he makes himself look very small._

_"I'm sure you're just dehydrated or something," he stammers and she shrugs._

_Perhaps the day off will be nice. Or not. She still feels her heart going too fast, and none of her breathing exercises can help abet it._

If I'm pregnant, my life is ruined. I'm probably pregnant. With my sibling. Pregnant with my sibling; isn't that terrifying? There's no way I'm not. If you have sex you get knocked up..._swirls through Azula's head._

_Azula's thoughts continue like this daily, as she fails a test, strikes three trees by accident with lightning bolts, and nearly ends her friendship with Ty Lee and Mai by screaming at them. And then she bleeds, feels better, and does not have another paranoid pregnancy scare again._

_What do teachers know anyway?_

[X]

It has been four months of trysts that make Azula incredibly uncomfortable. She has started getting along with Kazou slightly, but she is losing sleep. Finally, Ty Lee called it off and said they would wait and see if Azula was knocked up or not. Two months ago she was not and the month before that, so they kept going, but now, it's a waiting game. It _could _be, possibly. But she does not tell anyone of any developments, for fear of getting their hopes up.

She distracts herself with politics and lightning. Those are two things she understands better than her wife or the fact that she is _trying _to get pregnant. This sort of thing is too complicated. Lightning makes more sense. Ruling the Fire Nation is easy. Romance is not her forte.

"Azula," comes the loud and feverish voice of Zuko.

"You don't need to shout my name every time you say it, brother," Azula sighs, looking up from her desk. She has just been drawing on important sketches of new factories.

"I want you to come with me to the Southern Water Tribe," Zuko says. Azula shrugs.

"Alright." _Anything to get away from this prison without bars._

A week's ride later, Azula would love to be seeing the South Pole, but her eyes are freezing over from the cold.

"I told you to dress warmly," Zuko says to his shivering sister.

"Yes, just let me grab my _parka _I keep lying around," Azula replies bitterly, her teeth chattering. Her clothes have already frozen to her body by the time they have entered the front gates of the Southern Water Tribe.

They received a grand welcome. Fire Nation ships for a century were greeted by increasingly feeble resistance as their best benders were rounded up, and the South Pole decayed. A shame it was so close to the Fire Nation. But now there are buildings, and a buzz of life. Chief Hakoda arrives as Zuko and Azula cross a precarious drawbridge built entirely of ice.

"It's good to see you again, Fire Lord Zuko," Hakoda says, grinning. He claps Zuko on the back and the Fire Lord nearly falls on his face. Azula smirks. "And a pleasure to meet you, Princess Azula."

"Charmed," Azula says sharply and Zuko swallows. "This is much nicer than I was expecting."

She looks in Chief Hakoda's eyes and sees _recognition _and _discomfort_. Wracking her brain, she wonders where she could have encountered this man. He does not look remotely familiar to her, but, for some reason, he knows Azula.

"Katara is here for a visit. You've come at a good time," Hakoda says, waving for Zuko and Azula to follow him.

"My brother is very happy to hear that," Azula purrs and Zuko shoots her an angry glance. She can no longer feel her legs or her arms. _I'm going to die of hypothermia_. A quick breath of fire into her hands while no one was looking does no good except melting the snow layer on her fingertips into slush that drips onto her shoes.

They arrive at the largest house in town: the residence of Chief Hakoda. Katara is at the front door, deep in conversation with some peasant. She looks up and smiles at Zuko, but the moment her eyes shift to Azula, the grin is wiped from her face.

"We've come for a visit. To check on the progress of the reparations," Zuko explains, with stress on the 'we'. Katara is well aware of Azula being a reformed villain, but the discomfort between them is inevitable. When Azula looks at her, she can still feel chains being slipped onto her wrists, no matter what kind of eyeliner they wear.

"You look freezing," Katara remarks, gazing at Azula closely.

"I can't feel my legs," Azula replies. Katara _smiles_?

"I have some clothes that would fit you. Come on," Katara says, gesturing towards the block of ice sculpted into the shape of a house.

Azula swallows her pride and follows.

Minutes later, Azula looks at the fur lined blue garments. They're fitted, she supposes. She won't look _terrible _in them. Although she does look best in red.

"Are you going to turn around or something?" she asks Katara, starting to strip off of her frozen clothes. They are almost stiff from the temperature here.

"You have a pink bra?" Katara laughs and Azula stops pulling on the white layer of clothes that go beneath the parka dress.

"It used to be red," Azula replies sharply. The water peasant is still chortling like a buffoon.

"It doesn't look like it fits right," Katara remarks, completely out of line. No one in the Fire Nation would address Azula like that.

"That's none of your business." Azula looks into the icy mirror. It _doesn't _fit right, even though it has since she first got out of prison. "That's weird." She examines herself more closely, and Katara tries to stifle more laughter as she notices that _examining weird actions of her body _looks more like _ogling herself_. Everybody loves a narcissistic psychopath, don't they?

"Do they hurt?" Katara asks, having a bitter realization. _She's married to a woman, idiot._

Azula hesitantly reaches for her own cleavage, pressing down. She winces like she just was burned.

"Does that mean something?" she inquires. "Stop fucking laughing or I will hit you in your gigantic eyes with a bolt of lightning."

"It _can _mean that you're pregnant," Katara says and Azula's face looks... happy. Happy? "But that's not really possible given your sexual inclinations."

"My _sexual inclinations_?" Azula twists her fingers together. Restraint. Restraint. Restraint. "I should've been paying attention on the trip..." She starts doing math on her fingers; Katara wonders if they taught them that at Fire Nation Ladies Academy. "You might actually be right, peasant."

"Wait, when did you have sex with a man?" Katara asks loudly, leaning forward with her eyes even more gargantuan than usual.

"It's none of your business," Azula says before sighing. "I've been trying to get knocked up for two months. Happy?"

Katara is stunned by the information. She would have never guessed, or even remotely thought about Azula and Ty Lee having a baby, much less only a year after being married. It is relatively baffling. She can only nod, which seems to annoy the princess.

Azula finishes putting on the Water Tribe clothes, which are extremely comfortable, and significantly warmer. She is sure she looks ridiculous but she is glad she is no longer freezing to death.

"We should go find Zuko," Katara says, standing up and walking out of the guest bedroom. Azula follows wordlessly.

Zuko is talking to Hakoda loudly as Azula uncomfortably sits down at the ice cold table. The Water Tribe clothes _do _keep her significantly warmer. Although she has never worn blue in her life, except for the tacky jewelry people give her and say, _"Because your fire is blue! Get it!" _

Katara sidles up close to Azula. "We should talk to my Gran-Gran about your little secret," she whispers in the ear of the Fire Nation Princess. Azula does not respond.

And, as Zuko ushers Azula away, Katara follows her. _Wonderful_.

"Why are you so _thrilled _about this? Of all your poor qualities, the level of _nosiness_ you have..." Azula doesn't finish her sentence. She stands in the cold, able to see her breath, and feels icy on the inside. It is as if she can _feel _something inside of her, even though it is completely ridiculous and nowhere near scientifically accurate.

"You want to know if you're pregnant? Ask my Gran-Gran," Katara says, walking several steps ahead of Azula. "Come on. You know you want to."

Begrudgingly, Azula follows.

"Shouldn't you be involved in these political decisions with my brother?" Azula asks as they round a corner. It somehow looks like a reasonable city, although Azula is used to steel and golden painted roofs, not buildings made of white snow. All she can see is white and it blinds her.

"Shouldn't you?" Katara replies, knocking on the door of one of the nicer houses. Azula purses her lips, trying to look as disinterested as possible.

Katara and Azula stand outside for several heartbeats before there is movement behind the door. Finally, it opens, revealing an elderly woman. She looks between Azula and Katara and gestures for them to come inside. Azula rolls her eyes, but complies.

"What can I help you with Katara and..."

"Princess Azula," Azula says and Katara tries not to laugh at the emphasis she puts on _princess_.

"Azula thinks she's pregnant," Katara says bluntly and Azula swallows. She finds it incredibly uncivilized to just blurt something out like that.

"We can find that out," the old woman says and Azula is skeptical. It tends to be more of a _waiting _game. She has a wide variety of dreams about waking up one morning to something kicking its way through her ribcage in a burst of gore. That is how she envisions childbirth, regardless of what she genuinely knows about it.

"I find that difficult to believe," Azula says airily, but she sits down where the old woman gestures anyway. Katara remains standing, looking oddly excited. _Go ahead, live vicariously through me, girl-whose-eyes-are-too-big-for-her-face._

Katara has no desire for a pregnancy this early in her life. As much as she loves children, she would be raising them on her own. Aang has been occupied as the Avatar, and she has been up to her neck in politics since the end of the war. Even if she could take a break from rebuilding a broken world, she would almost be a single mother. Sure, airbenders are in drastically short supply, but she has some time ahead of her before she needs to make that kind of decision.

Zuko's baby was an accident; same with Sokka and Suki's. Katara doesn't sleep with Aang often enough for that to be a possibility. And obviously Azula and Ty Lee's baby was planned, yet, for some inexplicable reason, Azula does not look as happy as she did when she was counting on her fingers.

And Katara has her own secret stories and lies that nobody knew. All of them revolving around pregnancy. She feels a slight twinge of envy and resentment at how casually Azula treats her pregnancy. But it's not like Katara _wants _a baby. What happened was providence, not a curse. Katara does not have any need for a baby.

She wishes she weren't just trying to convince herself.

As Kanna is rummaging for lost useful items, Katara walks towards Azula. They share a stony glance before Katara decides to open up and hope for the best.

"Do you not want this baby?" Katara whispers and Azula looks offended. She looks Katara up and down with a stare that makes Katara feel like throwing up.

"Of course I do. It's planned," Azula says smoothly, making direct eye contact with Katara. Her words sound tangible, her face enthused, but Katara could swear that there is more to this planned pregnancy than meets the eye.

Kanna returns with a variety of confusing things that Azula would never find in the Fire Nation. They look like old fashioned _midwife _accessories, and Azula supposes she would end up finding one of those, but right now it simply looks intimidating. Her only experience with medicine has been treatment of burns or broken bones when her father pushed her too far in her training. The baby-related objects look baffling to her.

Azula is in a whirlwind of water peasant. Katara keeps _staring _at Azula, as if she can remove the truth from Azula like a loose tooth. And Katara is under the impression that getting an honest answer from Azula is _exactly _like pulling teeth. Kanna is focused on her work, which she studied well.

"You're pregnant. Nearly eight weeks," Kanna says as if commenting on the weather. Azula makes a strange face, and then smiles.

"You're sure about this? I don't know if I _buy _the Water Tribe witch doctor stuff," Azula says, and Katara looks offended. "I'm not throwing up or anything. I mean, what are you going on?"

"I promise you that I've never been wrong."

Azula supposes she will have to accept that, until more symptoms arise or it is proven that she isn't. No one has to know until her trip is over, in which time she should be positive. Then Ty Lee will be incredibly happy, or she will be forced into trying to conceive again which would not be _terrible_, per se.

"You don't have to tell anyone yet," Katara assures Azula, as if she does not know.

"I don't plan on it." Azula touches her abdomen slightly, feeling a pain as if something were about to burst through her stomach. Of course, the pain was entirely imagined, and she wonders if she is hallucinating again. _If this fetus drives me insane..._

"Where were you?" Zuko asks, glancing between Azula and Katara. "We were worried you kidnapped her."

"More things I'm better at than you," Azula murmurs as Katara shakes her head.

"What were you doing?" Hakoda asks, a glitter of concern in his eyes. As if touching Azula would poison his daughter somehow. Katara's dark skin flushes.

"Azula, tell my father what we were doing," she says, her voice cracking slightly. Azula somehow manages not to roll her eyes.

"Katara was just showing me the buildings that my brother helped improve. Charity of the Fire Nation and all. It was incredibly boring," Azula says, smiling faintly. Hakoda and Zuko both believe her and Katara breathes a small sigh of relief.

"That was kind of you, Katara," Zuko says and Azula cannot help but be made uncomfortable by the sexual tension. He makes out with Mai in plain sight in the palace, and then flirts with the Avatar's girlfriend. Azula has far more class.

"You both should get settled in for the night. The meetings with the Northern Water Tribe and Southern Earth Kingdom are early," Katara says and Azula suddenly finds her hand seized. "I'll keep an eye on the Fire Nation Princess."

"There are three of those now," Azula corrects, though she does like the title. The water peasant leads her down the slippery street and towards a rather ornate house. "Don't you live with the Avatar?"

"I have a home here too. I don't know if the Southern Water Tribe still _is _home. But a piece of my heart will always be here," Katara says with a small shrug. Azula tries to look interested.

"And Zuko is staying with you?" Azula asks, glancing behind her at Zuko and Hakoda. "That's not too... tempting?"

Katara makes a huffing sound. "Whatever you _think _I have going on with Zuko is your imagination."

"If you say so." They walk upstairs to the guest room where Azula put on her new Water Tribe clothes. She will be leaving them here, as fur lined dresses are not exactly Fire Nation weather appropriate. "We're sharing a room?"

"I said I would keep an eye on you," Katara says, gesturing to a twin bed.

The room is, like the rest of this block of ice, blindingly white. There are blue fixtures and an incredible amount of fur. Azula finds it all off-putting; in her country rural peasants cover things in fur, and the wealthy afford silk. A small table is between the two twin beds, and Azula wonders why there is not a queen for her to share with the Avatar.

But she sits down on her bed and sighs. Tomorrow she'll send for her few belongings to be placed here until she travels to Republic City.

Azula turns over to go to sleep, but Katara starts talking, "So are you excited about the new little prince or princess?"

_Agni, she's one of those girls who stays up all night gossiping, isn't she? As if I couldn't hate her more..._

"I've made that clear," Azula says, clenching her fist and turning out the candles that illuminate the room. Usually, that shuts people up, but clearly not Katara.

"I'm surprised Zuko gave you so much power directly after you tried to kill him."

"I was too." Not a lie. "But it keeps me occupied. So, since we're asking prying questions of each other, why are there twin beds in your guest room here?"

Silence. _Oh, so I can't ask but Katara can._

"In case other people want to stay here." They both know she is lying, but Azula does not care enough to press further.

Azula misses being beside her wife with all of her essence. That's pathetic, isn't it?

She also wishes she had someone to confide her insecurities about the fetus in.

But she can't even do that with Ty Lee.

[X]

"Good morning," Aang says, happy to see his guests at Republic City. It is still under construction, but many buildings have been made for refugees already. It is his first time seeing Princess Azula since the incident outside of Ba Sing Se, due to the fact that Zuko had told her she had to stay out of international affairs, and focus on what is within the Fire Nation.

"Nice to see you, Avatar," Azula attempts and Aang nods his head to her in an odd gesture of respect. She is relatively certain he outranks her, but she accepts it nonetheless.

Aang kisses Katara as she walks beside Zuko and Azula. They look happy together; perhaps Azula read Katara wrong. It does not mean she _isn't _cheating with Zuko, but she looks enthused about seeing her husband again.

"I'm glad you're here, Zuko. We really need your help with the Fire Nation refugees," Aang says, gesturing for Zuko to follow. Azula stands still, unsure if she should follow. "Come on, princess, we have too much work to do to just stand around."

Zuko sometimes hears Aang's words and thinks about when he was an irresponsible kid. An irresponsible kid who constantly _thwarted _Zuko, but all the same, maturity intrigues the Fire Lord. In fact, his _own _responsibility startles him on a regular basis. It has been almost seven years since the comet, but it feels like it was only yesterday that Zuko attempted to single handedly raid the Southern Water Tribe for the Avatar.

Azula catches up with them, walking with long, deliberate strides. Aang's feet barely touch the ground, although he has grown tall and muscular. And Zuko slowly _bounds_. His mother used to call him Leaps and Bounds because of his heavy footsteps, even as a child.

They head out into the gigantic construction area passing off as a city.

The entire time, Aang makes skilled small talk. He starts going on about Ba Sing Se, and how he sent a good deal of funding to a zoo. Something registers in Azula's mind as she struggles to catch up with her brother and the Avatar.

"I went to this zoo in Ba Sing─" she offers.

"You went to the zoo in Ba Sing Se?" Aang interrupts and Azula clenches her jaw. People don't just _interrupt _Princess Azula of the Fire Nation. "Before or after I moved it?"

"Obviously after," Azula says, trying not to be offended by his blatant attitude with her. "The Earth King told us to go have _fun_ so we took mini-vacations and─"

"We did that too!" Aang says, excited. Azula purses her lips. "We all took little vacations and then we got lost in the desert."

Azula swallows and tries to conjure a reply. They are walking through Republic City, just the two of them, going to meet Toph. Azula is made uncomfortable by being around the Avatar, who officially is incredibly buff and taller than her, but has the sickeningly polite and kind attitude of someone half his size. She feels on the verge of murdering him again.

It is _almost _as bad as Katara. Perhaps they work together better than Azula assumes.

"Well, we went to the zoo. I lost track of where I was going with that," Azula says calmly as they round the corner. Most of the city is under construction still, and the refugees seem to live in deplorable conditions. "It was Ty Lee's vacation."

Aang notices how the tone of her voice changes on two words that make up one name. He suppresses a smile at the tenderness in the words of the most heartless person he has ever met.

Suddenly, Azula leaps forward, Aang momentarily confused. He was distracted by his memories of Ba Sing Se, the distress he felt there and how he still struggles to return sometimes. There is a blaze of blue, and then red joins it from Zuko. Aang shoots a blast of air to prevent a series of arrows from colliding with him.

Azula saw the attack first. They remained in the shadows, archers posed. The one who had a perfect shot at Aang is now a charred body. She runs up the scaffolding, trying to catch one of them. Zuko leaps towards the ladders and yanks it down on top of himself. She is too focused to laugh.

The Avatar is behind her, close, she can feel his heavy breath.

"Omashu!" the Avatar yells, as if it means something. A blast of fire come from one of the hooded assailants. They are several sets of stairs and ladders up with the advantage of height.

_Height_. Azula quickly realizes what Aang's shout meant as he cracks the stone bridge the archers are headed for. Azula runs directly at the construction equipment and breaks the chain with a tongue of blue flame. She seizes the chain and bursts through wood. Her finger is still misshapen from doing this last time. She catches herself on her fire and runs towards the blockaded archers and bender.

Aang is up there in moments, bouncing off of things with his airbending. And now they take on eight assassins, Aang only incapacitating them. Azula wants to execute them one by one, but she supposes she is playing by the Avatar's pussy rules.

"We need to bring them to Toph," Aang says.

"Done, Twinkletoes." Toph ran up as fast as she could, by which she means she destroyed an entire metal elevator by using it to make her way above the ground. She hates being up so high, but Zuko's jabbering about what happened wasn't getting her anywhere. "And... Azula?"

"Hello."

Toph nearly laughs at the voice of the princess. She needs a cruel nickname as fast as possible.

Two hours later, they have the prisoners secured. Azula notices that the only completed building is the one intended for enforcing law. But Azula has heard that the black market is strong, and the police are doing little about it, because it is the only way many of the refugees can obtain what they need. And Fire Nation refugees are struggling more than most.

"So, are we interrogating them or...?" Azula asks, feeling frustrated. She has been forced to sit in the waiting room as the blind kid and the Avatar are taking care of the attack. Zuko paces incessantly and Azula is one more squeak of his shoes away from making his eyes match.

"Attempts on my life happen pretty often. I stepped out of the iceberg and into a continuous assassination attempt," Aang says calmly, as if it isn't a big deal. He and Toph walk out of the prison cell, where she has clamped the firebender in a position he cannot attack, and removed all of the bows and arrows.

"So they were after you?" Azula leans forward too quickly. Toph notices her heart speed up then notices something entirely different once she tunes into the Fire Nation Princess. _Two _heartbeats, one significantly fainter than the other.

"They usually are." Aang grins. Azula swallows. _Well, that doesn't help me at all. _"I'm sure Zuko knows the feeling."

But Zuko wasn't the target. _Who the fuck is the target? _Azula stands up and kicks the chair. She quickly stifles her wince as she hurts herself on it.

"Well, wasn't this a waste of time?" she purrs, and Zuko touches her shoulder. She immediately sours and seizes him by the arm, flipping him onto his back. Toph laughs at the sensation of Zuko thudding onto the floor; you don't have to be able to see to know what just went down.

"Azula," Aang says and she listens intently. "Thank you. I would have never seen the arrow coming at me if you hadn't have stopped them."

"I guess we're even, then," Azula says, shrugging. Aang smiles, as if her murdering him were funny.

"We need to have a Survived an Assassination Attempt Party," Aang says loudly and Azula purses her lips.

"_Or _we could clear up this issue with refugees and everyone can go home."

But, as usual, no one listens to Azula.


	32. heartbeat

chapter thirty-two: heartbeat

* * *

_Everybody wants a flame  
They don't want to get burnt  
"Bonfire Heart" - James Blunt_

* * *

I'm trying to think of a nickname for Azula," Toph declares and everyone pays attention to her. She hears the auxiliary conversations end. "Seeing as she saved Aang's life, I think she has honorary membership to the Gaang."

"She also _murdered _Aang," Katara grumbles, but no one is listening to her.

"I'd rather not," Azula says, sitting in the corner feeling unpleasant. No wonder the world is going to the dogs when its famed leaders are sitting around and having a party when they should be debated issues in their city. Something about there always being a time for _fun_. Azula has never set aside time for _fun_.

They are in Aang's makeshift home on Air Temple Island, still under construction, like everything else in this shitty city. Toph sits casually, with her feet firmly planted on the ground, on one chair. Aang is beside Katara, leaning back on the sofa beneath the window. The sunlight reflects on Katara, shining in her hair. Zuko is pacing around in the middle of the conversation, and Azula is in a dark corner, trying not to draw attention to herself.

"We're a great community," Zuko says brightly, looking incredibly pleased with himself. "Don't you want to be friends with them?"

Azula responds with silence. Toph laughs; she likes this girl.

"So, nickname aside, is anyone going to tell me that Princess Trustworthy is pregnant?" Toph says and the shock that reverberates through the room is felt by everyone but Katara. Zuko's eyes bulge to a proportion that the blushing Azula has ever seen.

"So that old Water Tribe lady was right," Azula mumbles as Zuko walks to her.

"You weren't going to tell us this?" he exclaims, stunned.

"It didn't seem that important," Azula says with a small shrug.

"I like Princess Trustworthy," Aang remarks, neglecting Zuko's abrupt revelation.

"You punched through a ceiling while _pregnant_?" Zuko continues, the room of his friends disappearing around him. He can only focus on his sister. "You didn't think that was some kind of reckless endangerment?"

"Stop being so fucking _patriarchal_," Azula says calmly. "I think I know how to take care of myself, and this thing inside of me."

"When did this happen?" Zuko demands and Katara frowns behind him.

"Eight weeks ago? You _knew _I was trying for this. Why are you so surprised?" Azula turns up her palms and leans forward. Zuko seems to realize how foolish he looks.

"Let's not fight," Katara says, grabbing Zuko by the arm. Azula eyes them closely. Katara seems overly passionate about an issue that has little to do with her. "So, surprise, Azula is pregnant."

"You _knew _about this?" Zuko breaks free of Katara, but walks away from his sister. He sits beside Aang, his muscles still tensed. "I'm sorry. I don't know why... I just..."

"You were hoping it would never come to fruition. I'm aware," Azula purrs and Aang looks like he wants to interrupt, but keeps his mouth shut. "You were incredibly pleased when I announced that I _wasn't _pregnant. I think, deep down, you hoped Ty Lee would get bored of it and we would decide against having a child."

Zuko's face is almost as red as his scar. He does not know why he didn't expect Azula not to know about feelings he never expressed. She is right; he does not want her to have a child. It is too early in her recovery, too sick... She will be like Ozai.

"I'll be honest," Zuko says, Toph shaking with silent giggles. "I think it's way too early for you to be doing this. You're only twenty ─"

"Mai is my age."

"You've been married for a year."

"You were only married for two."

"And you're not there yet on the level of not being totally _evil_."

"There's the answer we're looking for," Azula purrs, watching everyone cringe except for Toph, who seems excited by the war of tongues. "Because you have daddy issues, you don't want me to have a baby."

"Is it so much to ask that you go a year without attempted murder before reproducing?" Zuko demands and Katara purses her lips. She looks... angry? Azula figured she would agree with Zuko.

"She can do this if she wants to," Katara says, and Azula's eyes momentarily flash. "If terrible people weren't allowed to have children, you would have never been born, Zuko."

Azula is not sure if that is a compliment or insult, but she accepts it. Zuko frowns, contemplating how to protest. He knew it was a bad idea from the moment Mai said it, but now he is even more assured. There is no way this can be good. Azula is as twisted as Ozai, and he fears that there will be a reprisal of events long gone.

"Well, now that this enlightening fight is over, why don't we actually do something fun?" Toph interrupts, and Azula can only agree with her.

After a day in the city, trying restaurants Azula is opposed to, and being forced to listen to inside jokes she does not follow, she settles with Zuko, Aang and a representative of the city to discuss what she came here for. She finds this far easier to stomach than the adventures with people she tried to murder more than once.

"There is, of course, discontent between the nations," says the representative. "I myself am a refugee of war." He pulls his shirt down slightly to reveal a nasty scar from a burn. Zuko's stomach twists at the sight, while Azula remains stony-faced. "And there are fights in the street when someone firebends their morning tea. Riots. Not to mention the trickling of the Fire Nation resistance blowing up buildings."

"Well," Azula says, tapping her fingers on the table, "there are gangs of Earth Kingdom thugs in Ba Sing Se. I'm assuming gangs have formed on both sides? We're here about the well-being of our own people."

Zuko takes a deep breath. This can either go very well, or incredibly terribly. Aang wants to interrupt, but gives Azula a fair chance to speak. He has struggled with the government he appointed in Republic City, and perhaps someone as well-spoken as Princess Azula can make a dent on their closed minds.

"Yes, gangs have formed on both sides." The representative seems embarrassed. "It hinders any construction or culture from developing."

"What do you want us to do about it?" Azula says, leaning back slightly. Her position makes the representative feel very _small_. "We can try to provide for our people to satisfy their demands ─ not that we like to negotiate with terrorists ─ but that would just enrage the Earth Kingdom gangs. Your best bet is in law enforcement, not in satisfying the demands of Fire Nation ex-citizens."

"Well," Zuko says, "I was thinking that we would just meet their─"

"Don't interrupt, Zuko." Azula holds up one hand to him, palm focused on his eyes. He hesitates, knowing he should put a stop to this. "I was reading into your government. The Avatar may be pulling strings, but your governing bodies have no representatives from nations other than the Earth Kingdom. The _wealthier _portion of the Earth Kingdom, mind you. If you were to, perhaps, open the doors to the citizens of the Southern Earth Kingdom, the Fire Nation and rural farmers whose occupied towns were desecrated, you would probably win votes in your favor. See, those big beautiful cities with the art and culture weren't affected by the war. The politicians here from Ba Sing Se and Gaoling can't possibly fathom the issues brought on by the Fire Nation."

"Azula," Zuko mutters, but Azula holds up one finger. The representative is sweating profusely.

"The majority of refugees are from places like Omashu, and the coal mining cities. The Fire Nation refugees were purged from impoverished colonies. They're the ones doing the fighting. Let _them _be the voices, and, while they may argue at first, they'll most likely start proposing laws that solve your problems for you. Where are _you _from?"

"Gaoling, though I was born in the upper ring of Ba Sing Se," the representative stammers.

"You prove my point. What did you even know of the war? I've been to both of those places, and they were two of the few strongholds left at the time. Now, rewrite your little senate to include firebenders and people from mining villages, and your problems will solve themselves."

"I don't know─" the representative begins but Azula cuts him off with a single look.

"This violence is out of desperation. I can tell without witnessing it. The gangs won't _ever _break up. There's bad blood and people of the same nation stick together. But your bloody battles in city streets will cease if the government is less interested in developing apartments and expensive stores, and is more focused on meeting the needs of _real _victims, not rich people who want to feel part of something," Azula finishes, before clasping her hands and leaning back in the chair. Zuko's jaw is slack, lips parted slightly in surprised.

"We'll begin drafting ballots today, princess," the representative squeaks.

Zuko and Azula walk out of the meeting, Zuko still stunned.

"You don't really believe in the voice of the peasants," he manages to say.

"It's not my thing, but I know it will work. Give it a year and the gang violence will be at least halved," she says confidently.

"I agree with you," Aang says to Azula, walking very close to her. Zuko seems displeased by it. "If we let the people have power, I think the violence will stop. You were right when you said the fights here are out of desperation."

"I know, Avatar," is all Azula says.

[X]

That night, Azula sits on the steps of Air Temple Island. She looks at the city slowly being built; she thinks a building gained a roof during the day she was here. Someone walks over and sits beside her. She recognizes the intense perfume the second she smells it. Because it makes her wrists itch.

"Hello, Katara," Azula says and Katara is surprised to hear her name, and not _peasant_. "Is there a reason you came to bother me?"

"You were just sitting alone..." Katara trails off, looking at the sunset. The vermillion always looks like the sky is burning to her. She has tears in her eyes, but she skillfully blinks them away.

"You're thinking about my brother and I fighting." Silence. Katara's already gigantic eyes widen, and Azula sees her assumption was correct. "You want little babies, don't you?"

Katara shrugs. "Life isn't always perfect in paradise."

Azula is silent. She wants to comment, but cannot find the words.

"Do you love him?" Azula finally asks and Katara looks offended.

"Of course I do. Just because it isn't how I imagined it─"

"For fear of associating myself with you people, we all ended up with our childhood sweethearts. You can't tell me that's the perfect partner for your whole life," Azula says airily, shrugging. "I mean, what do you expect?"

"You love her?" Katara asks and Azula nods. She seems detached about it, but clearly honest. "You're lucky."

"So I thought," Azula replies and Katara does not know what to make of it. "Luck runs out, water peasant. It always does." She yawns pointedly, as if her words do not mean anything to her.

"I can't believe she was willing to give up the life she was building just to be with you," Katara says.

"I'll try not to be offended by that," Azula says with a small smirk. Katara simply cannot understand her.

They sit in silence for a while. Azula does not mind it, although she would like to be alone. Katara is trying to make excuses for why she is sitting with the worst person she has ever encountered in her life. But she forgave Zuko... She always thought that was Aang's petty justification for not giving Azula harsher punishments for her unrepentant cruelty. But Katara forgave Zuko, after all he did to her. All Azula did was follow orders.

"I never really had friends growing up," Katara says, trying to break the silence, and Azula swallows, fighting the urge to roll her eyes. "There were no girls my age. And most people were out fighting the war. There was a big break in having children after the raid that killed my mother. We could've been friends, in another world."

"I thought I was nothing like you," Azula purrs, echoing Katara's words as she healed Azula in Ba Sing Se over a year ago.

"I was wrong," Katara admits, and Azula supposes she has guts to say it. "Do you... blame me for not being Fire Lord?"

Azula is startled and unnerved by Katara's behavior. She contemplates the question for a moment.

"No," Azula says and Katara's already bulging eyes widen. "On the list of people who screwed me over, you're not that high."

"But during the comet...?"

Azula shrugs. "Look, peasant, I married the person who was most instrumental in my failure. We had a fair fight. In Ba Sing Se, you would've defeated me if Zuko didn't intervene. You're the most powerful waterbender in history; I went down with some semblance of glory. The best firebender versus the best waterbender? I can live with losing that fight. There were a lot of people who I can blame for my failure."

"Like who?" Katara asks, surprised at Azula being so open. Azula is shocked by her own actions at this moment, but she continues anyway.

"My father, Ty Lee, Zuko, _Mai_... All you did was strike the final blow. It was a fight to remember. Given, leaving me chained to a grate for fourteen hours was _rude_. But I don't blame you for me not being Fire Lord," Azula says slowly and coldly, leaving Katara stunned speechless. "I don't like you at all. And for a while I considered it to be a fixed fight. But it's been a _very _long time since then."

Katara is silent. "You didn't have to tell me all of that."

"I know. I thought my luck had run out from where I was chained. But the game was rigged from the start, not our little clash of water and fire. I was set up to fail without knowing it." And Azula decides to reveal no more.

Silence. Katara gazes at the rising stars and moon. Azula is unimpressed, looking at the grungy city and wishing she were home. And then Katara's eyes shift to Azula.

"You're really pretty," the waterbender murmurs, her dark hands shaking.

"I'm aware," Azula replies slowly, looking at the tears in the eyes of the most powerful waterbender who ever lived. Obviously something just happened inside, and Azula cannot read it in the oversized cobalt blue eyes. People person she may be, but she is not a magician. "Did you have a fight with your boyfriend or something?"

And then, Katara slowly leans over, and presses her lips against Azula's.

Azula's eyes flicker wide, exactly as they did during her first kiss with Ty Lee. Azula pulls away, then moves forward again, as if testing the waters. Their lips meet one more time. Katara's fingers slip to her back and Azula allows it, allows herself to lean into the motions. The second their tongues touch, Azula yanks herself away from the mess she is making.

"I'm married! Happily!" Azula accuses, though she knows she also in the wrong. She leaves all of her belongings and her brother in the house as she walks towards the docks rapidly. Legs carry her with faint thuds against the rubble strewn streets of Republic City. Her heart rages in fits and starts as she tries to justify her actions.

When she reaches the ships, someone is already there. So apparently the water peasant is a _fast runner_. Ugh.

"Look, peasant, I don't know what idea you have about me but─"

"I'm sorry," Katara says loudly, ferociously. The emotion in her voice is alien to Azula and Azula does not think she has ever given or received an apology so quick and genuine. "I'm... having a hard time. I figured you would like─"

"Just because I like girls doesn't mean I like all girls," Azula snaps, glancing at the only Fire Nation ship in the harbor.

"I don't like _you_. I just wanted... somebody. Look, just, if you want to leave, leave." Katara looks oddly frustrated. This has to be the most awkward situation Azula has ever been in.

"Tell Zuko I'm going home." Azula walks towards the ship with fierce, deliberate steps.

"You kissed me back!" Katara calls after her. Her behavior is unnerving and strange for the goody-two-shoes waterbender Azula tried multiple times to kill. But Azula is herself shaken and gets on the ship, telling the captain that if he does not start driving she will start swimming.

She cannot believe she did that. Her stomach aches and her heart feels as if someone is pressing heavy stones against it.

[X]

Hours later, Zuko wakes up and walks downstairs, ready to move into the initiative Azula suggested. Katara is playing with a bowl of water, which started as her washing dishes. She turns it into ice, then water again on repeat.

"About last night," Zuko says, walking towards her. She holds up water on the palm of her hand, turning to him, "I'm sorry. It was petty. You were right and I was being hotheaded and..."

"Azula is gone." Silence. Zuko did not expect that to be her answer. "You're going to have to find another ride home."

And Katara says nothing more until Aang comes in from morning meditation and kisses her. They fall into each other and Zuko is grateful. The fight he had with Katara was unusual last night, and she just ran off without trying to solve the problem. Her passion is her undoing.

But their feelings were not questioned. It was not like the other fights he has with Katara.

But he would certainly believe that Azula sparked them.

She did once. With literal sparks.

Yet, Zuko wonders why Azula ran off when she was changing an entire city with her words. Whatever happened was unpleasant enough to turn away _Azula_. Perhaps he does not want to know.

[X]

A ship ride later, Azula is safely back in the homeland. And she is incredibly glad to be. The scent of _home _is intoxicating. It triggers a thousand memories, all of them pleasant. Her eyes closed slightly as her bare feet touch the gravel outside of the palace, her shoes in her hands.

She looks around at the stone halls, dim ruby tinted light. She missed it here. It reminds her vaguely of the hopeful look in Zuko's eyes when she lured him onto her ship to take him to be locked up by father. And she sincerely hopes she never makes the expression he did when he found out she was lying.

"You're back early," Mai says, coming out from behind a corner as Azula walks into the palace.

"It wasn't very fun," Azula says airily, giving Mai no information at all. Figures. "Zuko is still in Republic City. I took the ship back so, we can only hope he gets a ride. If he's not back in a month I'll start making some changes."

And she walks away as quickly as she came, not even stopping to laugh at her own joke about usurping her brother. Mai occasionally misses the dull days gone by, before all of the insanity of being Fire Lady. Life with Azula is... interesting.

Azula scours the palace for her wife and finds her in the courtyard drinking tea with one of her sisters. They do not notice Azula at first, and she stands beside a once-charred, now re-grown tree, as she watches their tranquility.

_"You kissed me back!"_

She walks forward and kisses Ty Lee forcefully. But she feels an insatiable guilt about her kiss with Katara. The strange, sickly feeling that Azula cannot place permeates the sensual motions with Ty Lee.

"I missed you," says Azula's bride blithely. Azula feels that unfamiliar twisting feeling in her stomach that she gets when she tells the truth. "How did it go?"

"Politics are boring," Azula says smoothly, though she does not feel that way. "I have more interesting news."

[X]

Back in Republic City, Katara is trying to avoid anyone knowing the truth about her kissing Azula. It makes it difficult for her to make eye contact with Aang; it makes things challenging in general. She will openly admit she has always found Princess Azula sexually attractive, as much as it disgusted her. The kiss was an accident, but she has the strange feeling that it is going to cause more harm than the usual slip up.

_More harm than that kiss with Zuko._

"Why did Azula leave?" Aang asks calmly as he and Zuko start putting her plan into motion. Zuko has no idea, but he thinks it has something to do with the fight he had with Katara. "I know you and Katara yelled at each other last night. It's been rough for both of you."

They fought about Azula. It was... weird. About nonsense and old grudges that Zuko thought were erased. About the romantic tension and the fact they are both irrevocably in love with other people, but at one point considered being with each other. And, mostly, she seemed angry about things she put behind her.

"Are things going okay with you two?" Zuko asks and Aang slowly shakes his head.

"Everything was going so fast after the war. Now that we have more time on our hands, everybody is on edge. But there's always work for the Avatar." Aang laughs at the last part. "It's the baby thing."

"The baby thing?" Zuko is looking at dossiers of candidates for the government. He does not find it that _democratic_, but they have to find some way to get the ball rolling.

"With Azula."

And Zuko recalls how she shouted at him about saying Azula should not have her child. And how he was so lucky to have Izumi. It was undeniably complicated and weird. Katara isn't _mellow_, but she isn't _easy to piss off _either.

"Did you guys have a problem with that or something?" Zuko asks and Aang frowns. He does not think he has ever seen this particular expression on Aang's face.

"We had a miscarriage. And it was weird for a while because it was an accident and everything. I said we could try to have a baby on purpose and she said we were too young and I was the Avatar and it was unnecessary."

Zuko does not know what to say.

But it explains Katara's rage at him.

_And _why she brought up their past romantic feelings.

Katara practices her waterbending and feels utter frustration. After all of the times she has had to defend that she was not with Zuko, she went and kissed Azula. _Their tongues touched_. Kissed. With tongues. She cannot believe it and it deeply unsettles her.

Does she _like _Azula? No way. It must... it must just be a regrettable and forgotten thing.

[X]

"You're pregnant!" Ty Lee squeals, jumping up and down. "Yay! I'm-_we're _going to have a baby! Where's Mai?"

Ty Lee seizes Azula by the arm, dragging her towards the dining room. Mai is having an awkward conversation with Ursa. Ty Lee told her sister already, who she promptly dismissed with her power as princess.

"I'm having a baby!" Ty Lee declares. "Well, Azula too. But mostly me!"

Ursa looks sad. Mai chortles.

Azula touches her abdomen, wondering if she can feel the heartbeat that Toph did.

She can't.

That night, Azula lies in bed and thinks about Katara's lips on hers. It haunts her as she feels Ty Lee's warm arms wrapped around her body. Her marriage is blissful; perfect. And that act of borderline infidelity was sick and wrong. Of all of the awful things Azula has done...

"What's wrong?" Ty Lee whispers, her lips close to Azula's neck. Her hot breath tickles sensitive skin.

Azula pauses, everything within her wanting to lie. If there was a time to lie, it would be now.

"I kissed Katara." _Ugh_. She wishes she had said, 'Katara kissed me.'

Ty Lee does not know what to say at Azula's confession. She has to admit it has her baffled. _She kissed Katara_.

"I... thank you for being honest," Ty Lee says and Azula sits straight up, elbows colliding with her wife from the quick movement.

"You should be livid! Why are you just okay with what I did?" Azula snaps, golden eyes flashing. Ty Lee purses her lips, wide eyes glitering.

"I'm just glad you told me. It means that you've come a long way." Silence. "Remember? Honesty is a turn on."

And Azula is left to grapple with guilt as her wife seems to be perfectly okay with the kiss.

But maybe... maybe her honesty does show that she can change.

And maybe it means that she and Ty Lee were meant to be.

Something like that.

_Or _maybe Azula is just weak.

[X]

When Zuko returns in two days, he brings Katara with him. Azula feels her mouth become dry when she sees the master waterbender walking into the Fire Nation. Her blood runs cold. She is _caught_. Her shame for kissing her on the lips and _kissing her back _is overwhelming.

And Ty Lee's bitter anger is evident when her protuberant eyes look Katara up and down. Her red clothes that stick to her form, fitted around curves, make Ty Lee angry and acidic in ways she does not want to describe.

Azula, Ty Lee feels she cannot blame. She cannot explain why, but she simply cannot find the perfect princess, the perfect bride, at a fault in any way. But she is _angry _at Katara in a thousand different ways.

"Why did you come here?" Ty Lee demands and Zuko furrows his brow. Of course Azula's brother is clueless.

"Ty Lee, you can't just treat political dignitaries like─"

"I can treat people who _come on to my wife_ however I want, Fire Lord Zuko," Ty Lee snaps and Zuko's eyes bulge. Katara cringes; she had hoped Azula was amoral enough not to tell anyone about what happened. Katara certainly did not say a word to anyone.

"What's she talking about, Katara?" Zuko asks and Katara swallows. She supposes she is now forced to explain herself, when all she wanted to do was get into the Fire Nation and get out.

"I kissed Azula. It was so insignificant. It's not like a kiss means anything," Katara says, crossing her arms. Zuko is stunned.

"She could've bitten your tongue off, Katara," Zuko snaps, aghast, and the waterbender has little to say. She simply turns on her heel and escapes the awkward situation as quickly as she can. "Azula, why would you do that?"

"I didn't _seduce _her, ZuZu. It just happened," Azula sighs, her cheeks light pink. Ty Lee purses her lips, glancing angrily at Azula. "Ty Lee, I apologized. You forgave me."

Ty Lee swallows. "I guess I'm still kind of upset." She shrugs, as if this devastating blow to their marriage is not a big deal in the slightest.

That night, Ty Lee and Azula sit in their room, pointedly not looking at each other. The struggle with the arrival of Katara is most unpleasant and Azula just wants to burn the palace to the ground. It _is _simply a tinderbox. But she must _somehow _make amends with Ty Lee, like she has made amends with others.

"I'm sorry, Ty Lee," Azula says for the thousandth time. The acrobat offers a soft shrug.

"I know." Blink. Azula frowns faintly.

"You're to blame for it," Azula snarls and Ty Lee's eyes bulge. "Yes, you are. You think I would've kissed her if you weren't forcing me to have this baby?"

Silence. Azula's heart skips a beat as she realizes what she has said. Ty Lee looks wounded beyond wounded as Azula only clenches her jaw. Her eyes flicker with the rage of a royal.

"Azula... I thought we wanted this together..." Ty Lee murmurs, whimpering slightly. But she knows that Azula is right. The princess only did it because... Ty Lee does not even _know _why Azula did it. And now she feels that she will pay.

"No. We don't want this together. I should have said no but I had a moment of weakness." Azula stands up, fists clenched. Her sharp nails dig into her smooth palms. "I hope you're happy. You drove me into the arms of a water peasant. Aren't you going to be the _best mommy ever_?"

And Azula storms out of the room, her heart racing. She should regret what she said to Ty Lee, but she does not. It is this _baby_. It will _tear them apart_. She could not resist Katara because she _wanted _to hurt Ty Lee. Otherwise, she would not tell her. It fills Azula with feelings she cannot describe or conquer.

_Why do I want to hurt the one thing I truly love?_

_Why?_

She opens the door to the guest room and abruptly remembers that Katara is staying in the palace. And is not dressed. But Katara does not move, she simply stands there, half naked, as Azula's lips part in surprise.

"I forgot..." Azula does not need to finish her sentence. _Ty Lee is going to be ten times as angry._

"It's fine," Katara says, smiling faintly. She looks at Azula with a glint in her eyes that makes the Fire Nation princess uneasy. "You can stay in here, if you want. It's my fault that you two are fighting."

"Well aren't you a goody-two-shoes," Azula sneers, but she accepts the offer, sitting down on the plush bed and clicking the door shut behind her. This will travel around the palace and Azula almost _wants _it to. Maybe she _wants _everyone to think she is railing the water peasant.

This pregnancy thing is leaving her not _thinking clearly_.

She is not ready to be a mother.

Not ready to be the mother of Ty Lee's child because she is looking at Katara's lips and thinking about sliding her tongue between them.

_But I love Ty Lee more than anything I've ever loved. Then again, I've never loved anything before._

"Azula," Katara says, finishing draping on her small white nightgown, "I'm sorry for Republic City."

"I'm sorry for Ba Sing Se." Azula offers a smirk.

"I had a miscarriage," Katara says and Azula's golden eyes flicker wider. It explains a good deal; Azula _was _reading her right. "I was jealous of your baby and I fought with Zuko and Aang."

"I shouldn't have kissed you back." Azula shrugs with one shoulder. "It isn't important. Only monsters are perfect."

"What?" Katara asks, cocking a dark brown eyebrow.

"Nothing," Azula purrs, slipping beneath the blankets. "Now don't keep me up all night gossiping like last time."

Azula turns out the lantern with a clench of her fist. Katara lies beside her, warm body, warm breath. Azula misses Ty Lee wholeheartedly, and knows that what she is doing right now is wrong. Making everyone think she slept with Katara... ill advised. But she cannot help but enjoy being a liar.

_And Katara will pay in the eyes of her peers, _Azula decides.

[X]

Azula wakes in the night from a nightmare. About father, as usual. She finds Katara sitting awake, playing with... a bowl of water? She sits up and rubs her eyes.

"What are you doing?" Azula asks snidely and Katara drops the water with a splash.

"Bending clears my head," Katara says.

"Hmph." Azula does not want to admit she has anything in common with the peasant.

"You don't want your baby, do you?" Katara asks, picking up the water and morphing it into different shapes. Azula has done that before, turning candles blue and making pictures of women, stars and suns. "It's such a gift and you just..."

"I thought I would want it once it happened," Azula admits and Katara is surprised at her honesty. Katara looks at the half naked form of Princess Azula, her mind flashing back to Ba Sing Se, when she had her in the grasps of water. When she killed Aang. The vague arousal that came from her words as they clashed.

And the Ember Island Players thought she had a thing for Zuko.

If _Azula _captured her... Katara washes those thoughts away. Azula is in love with Ty Lee; Katara is in love with Aang.

"I was thinking about what you said," Katara says, trying to redirect the conversation from Azula's baby, "about how we ended up with our childhood sweethearts. Do you feel that way about Ty Lee?"

"If you're coming on to me, it's not working," Azula purrs and Katara clenches her jaw. That was not what she meant. "I do. But I don't do anything I don't want to do."

"So you _wanted _to kiss me," Katara says with a small smirk. Azula shrugs and lies back down. Katara tries not to watch the rise and fall of her chest as she breathes in slowly. The way she _breathes _is intriguing. It's different than anyone else Katara has seen. Unusual, like Aang. _Katara loves Aang._

"So are we going to make out or what?" Azula purrs mockingly and Katara frowns.

"You don't have to make this awkward." The waterbender shoves her bowl of water aside.

"I know. I _like to_," Azula says, sitting up and smiling faintly. "You came here for me, not Zuko."

"No."

"I can see it in your eyes," Azula says and Katara sighs.

"I want you to want your child."

"Well, I want to be Fire Lord. We don't always get what we want, peasant," Azula says, reaching forward slowly and pointedly tossing a piece of Katara's hair. Katara ignores the mild arousal and clenches her jaw. "Don't act like I'm some kind of _charity case_."

"I don't think that." Katara feels her breath constricted. "I... I just... Forget it, Azula."

Katara dreams about her fight with Azula during the comet. She can feel the night, hear Azula's screams and sobs. When she wakes up, she is drenched in a cold sweat, and Azula is gone. She walks out of the bedroom, sighing. Mixed feelings are unpleasant.

She told herself she came here to convince Azula motherhood will be worth it.

But honestly, she feels immense regret for what she did to Azula during the comet.

_But I shouldn't, because Azula feels no regret for killing Aang, for all she did to me. So why do I imagine her face as she sobbed and breathed fire as if it could save her?_

Maybe because of her little crush.

_Those girls from Omashu._

[X]

"You slept with Azula," comes a loud an accusing voice from behind Katara as she tries to locate where breakfast is served. Katara cocks an eyebrow.

"What gives you...?" _This_. This is why people hate Azula. "She set me up!"

Katara should have known better. Why Azula pointedly stayed the night. Katara thought she just needed a friend, like Zuko, but she... what could she possibly gain from this lie?

"Why would Azula _want _me to think that? I can't believe you!" And Katara dodges a fist. "You slept with Azula in my house!" Two fists. Katara drains a houseplant and summons fingernails of ice. "I'm going to kill you!"

"There's no need to fight over me, ladies," enters a purring voice that becomes the target of Katara's ice. Azula dodges with ease, the ice crashing on the wall behind her and shattering.

"You set me─"

"Up? Now why would I do that...?" Azula crosses her arms, watching the scene play out with great, sadistic pleasure. She finds it undeniably amusing, and the best sort of revenge for being Katara's like _pity playdate_. "I'm in just as much trouble as you are, Katara. Such a shame. I'm never going to live this down."

Katara glares.


	33. diamond

chapter thirty-three: diamond

* * *

_Believe me, believe me  
I can't tell you why  
But I'm trapped by your love  
And chained to your side  
"Love is a Battlefield" - Pat Benatar_

* * *

Katara has never been this livid in her life. And she has been _pretty angry _before. She faces Azula, unsure how the princess can have such a placid expression after what she did. Katara clenches and unclenches her fists, trying to control her breathing.

Finally, she manages to snarl, "I can't believe you did that. If anyone told─"

"Oh _please_. The Avatar couldn't even kill a spider-fly, much less get pissed at his girlfriend. He's more malleable than my wife and that's saying something significant," Azula says and Katara cannot argue. She clamps her mouth shut as the princess sits upon the old chair as if it is a throne, and Katara sits on the floor, her elbows on the coffee table.

"So what was the point of doing that?"

"I felt like it." Azula shrugs. _I'm a vengeful bitch._

"You should talk to your wife about how scared you are. Pretending to cheat on her to upset her is ─ well, something typical of you ─ but you would make much more progress if you talked to her about your feelings instead of trying to make her cry," Katara says in a maternal tone that triggers Azula's hatred of Ursa. Maybe Azula will let the word of her pointedly walking out of Katara's bedroom half dressed spread to Republic City...

"See, you say that coming from the perspective that I have feelings. I don't," Azula replies airily.

Katara frowns. Progress is impossible.

[X]

"Azula," is all Ty Lee says. She is sitting at the foot of Azula's bed, and the princess is walking out of her bathroom with a towel wrapped around her head and dressed in only a kimono robe.

"I'm sorry. I genuinely am," Azula lies and Ty Lee believes her. "I want you to know that I love you."

The last part, Azula meant.

"Do you want to end this?" Ty Lee whispers and Azula's golden eyes flash. "Are you looking for an out?"

_Possibly. No. Of course not. Nobody has ever loved like they do._

"Why would I want to break up while I'm _pregnant_?" Azula asks, sitting down on Ty Lee's lap, facing her. The acrobat does not voice her protest to the position. "I want to be with you and I had a lapse in judgment brought on by the waterbender's advances. She really made it _hard _to resist."

"I forgive you. But our relationship has been... the passion is dy..." Ty Lee does not finish her thoughts because of the expression on Azula's face.

Azula kisses Ty Lee, mostly to silence her. She recalls the first _real _kisses, as Ty Lee was trying to teach Azula how to be _good _after Ba Sing Se. Their love has conquered all, has brought them so far. There has been no tension, no reasons to doubt the relationship. And the baby is the only logical next step in their nontraditional traditional love.

But maybe Azula _wanted _there to be conflict. Maybe she _wanted _to have a rift. A reason other than her caving in to weakness to conceive the child. An excuse. Katara was the spark that lit the fire in Azula trying to justify so many failings.

_This is not who you were meant to be._

She hears her father incessantly.

Slowly, as they kiss and pull apart, and touch tongues to skin, Azula pushes Ty Lee onto her back. She straddles her, running long, sharp fingernails along smooth skin. And Ty Lee shivers from the gentle pleasure. Azula's fingertips move to Ty Lee's neck, and her shoulders rise slightly with the sudden tickling sensation. She expects Azula's lips to follow, the all-too-arousing kiss on the neck.

But her hands simply clench. Ty Lee's eyes widen as Azula puts pressure on her neck and it takes a moment of suffocation for Ty Lee to make one swooping motion of her knee, knocking Azula off of her.

"What was _that_?" she shrieks, pulling blankets up over her exposed breasts. Azula looks strangely vacant.

"I thought you would like it," Azula lies, and they both go to sleep with arousal unresolved.

_Azula enjoyed it all too much. The pressure. Pushing down on her neck and..._

And she hates herself for it.

[X]

Katara leaves the next morning, deeming helping Azula as futile. She wonders how Ty Lee managed to get the princess to come as far as she did. Maybe that is why their love is so strong. It would be cute if Azula did not just screw Katara over just to see her own wife cry.

Azula will resent her child and Katara knows it, and had hoped she could change that fact.

But instead she was framed as a harlot.

_Princess Trustworthy, alright._

Azula and Ty Lee go back to the predictable motions of their relationship without questioning it. The lashing out in anger that Azula performed is not forgotten, but Ty Lee merely accepts the manipulative behavior.

They have a child on the way; Ty Lee cannot afford to be petty.

_Was Azula looking for an out?_

Everyone is relieved once Katara is gone.

And Azula and Ty Lee enter a half-broken stage in their relationship, bound together only by the child within Azula, and the remnants of the strongest love in Fire Nation history.

Azula thought she was somehow immune to pregnancy symptoms.

She was wrong.

[X]

"Ty Lee," Azula says softly, approaching her wife in the dark. She feels her way through their bedroom after having been hiding throughout the palace for several hours. "I want to talk to you."

Ty Lee blinks several times and then gets up. Azula has been avoiding her since the incident with Katara. Ty Lee thinks about her own kiss with Sokka. And then about her first kiss with Azula. About every kiss with Azula and how it fills her body with this unquenchable fire.

Azula sits at the foot of the bed. "You probably hate me. _I _would hate me, and that's saying something."

"I don't hate you, Azula," Ty Lee whispers, sitting up. "We've been through too much to end everything over this."

"I'm pretty damaged and fucked up. You've gotten yourself into a mess. Certifiably insane, ex-convict, abused as a child, regular hallucinations, lots of people want to kill you for being close to me..." Azula is cut off by Ty Lee kissing her.

"But Azula, that's something wonderful about you. I'm pretty bad at metaphors, but I like diamonds. And you're like a diamond."

"You hear that list and think _diamond_?" Azula asks with a small snort of disbelief.

"It's the hardest kind of stone. It always survives. And it's also very beautiful and desirable. Or something like that. Look, Azula, I am in _way _too deep to start having second thoughts. Especially when half of my thoughts are about how much I want to be with you," Ty Lee says and it is the most articulate Azula has ever heard her. Even the terrible diamond metaphor.

"I love you. I love you more than I've loved anything and I know that's not saying much," Azula says, rubbing her neck.

"We are so madly in love. And _so _crazy. I'm crazy for you." Ty Lee pounces on Azula, straddling her.

"I guess I'm crazy for you too," Azula says with a smirk.

[X]

It is month three of her pregnancy when the world collapses. She was doing perfectly fine, going about daily business with no one even noticing. She was not showing. And, suddenly, she hit a point where the baby decided it wanted to be as cruel as its mother, and now she spends half of her day vomiting.

Ty Lee holds her hair hesitantly, feeling queasy. She never was a fan of this kind of thing, but it was her idea to have a baby. The acrobat simply supposes that these are the consequences.

"It's okay," Ty Lee says softly, unsure if she should just be quiet or not. Azula's stomach convulses, unwelcome tears flowing from her eyes. She gasps for breath between retches, but it feels as if she is suffocating.

Finally, it ceases. Azula pulls away from her wife and washes her mouth out, fixing her make-up as if nothing happened. Ty Lee feels tired, but in love, a kind of strange and sweet combination.

"I was thinking about remodeling," Ty Lee says, scampering forward. Azula looks up at her and purses her lips.

"Remodeling what?" Azula inquires, looking skeptical.

"Well, the baby is taking Zuko's bedroom next door. And we're obviously going to have to remove the ten layers of dust and paint and make it _baby _oriented. But maybe we should get rid of the scratches on the floor and repaint and put up some decor that's less... your father's. And that armoire..."

"We can knock down Zuko's bedroom with hammers for all I care, but you're not touching that armoire," Azula says sharply and Ty Lee is taken aback.

"What's so special about it? It isn't even the one that you had when we were kids," Ty Lee says, squinting at the red armoire.

Azula walks towards it, running her fingers across it like it is her friend. She clings to it as she speaks, in a chilling deadpan, "You know that my father told me not to return until Zuko was dead, don't you? But, _unfortunately_, you and Mai let him escape. I followed him to the Western Air Temple, but it was useless. I didn't hunt him down; I went home. My father was less than pleased."

"You don't have to..." But Ty Lee knows that she is going to continue.

"I was _devastated _about you. And he blamed you entirely for how upset I was, lured out of me confessions about everything we had done together." Azula touches the handle of the armoire with an odd fondness. "He told me to go wait in my room. And I pushed my old armoire in front of the door; that's what all the scratches are from. It was stupid... probably could have gotten myself killed. I didn't move it when he tried to get in. And so he burnt the armoire, with all of my things in it, to ashes."

Silence. Ty Lee feels weak in the knees. "And that one...?"

"The next morning, when he was done with me, he bought me an entire new wardrobe, replaced everything that was in it with hollow representations of what was there before. And a new armoire that was nicer than the old one." Azula walks away and sits down on the bed. "Maybe I should get rid of it. But everything in this room means something to me. I may dislike my past at times, but I'm not going to wash it away like Zuko did with the house on Ember Island."

"That's your choice, of course," Ty Lee replies, unsure what else to say. Sometimes with Azula... She screws her head on straight and walks towards the dining room, where most of her family is eating.

Azula stares at the armoire and touches her abdomen.

She wonders if she will wound her child the way her father wounded her.

Maybe she will be equally as bad at loving.

[X]

"Your baby will be good looking," Mai says abruptly at month four of Azula's pregnancy. They are sitting, two couples cuddling, on a pretty winter night. Azula and Zuko have only had one fight tonight, and Ty Lee considers that to be fantastic. Azula and Ty Lee are going well. They have good days and bad days, and it has been two weeks of good days.

"I know," Azula responds casually, shrugging with a slight blink of her golden eyes.

"But really, you are a sexy family," Mai continues, and Azula raises an eyebrow. Ty Lee wrings her hands as Zuko chokes on his own saliva. "Not your mom, actually. But the three of you... I would watch you have an Agni Kai against each other any day."

"She means shirtless," Ty Lee says, as if that was not implied. Azula is stunned speechless for one of the only times in her life.

"My mother is beautiful," Zuko says and Mai moves out of his arms to sit up straight.

"I know. Your mother is pretty. But not _sexy_. You get your sexiness from your father," Mai explains as Zuko scrunches up his face in disgust. Azula genuinely does not know what to say. "Ty Lee, back me up on this."

Slowly, Ty Lee replies, "Yeah. She's right."

"Do you just think bad people are sexy?" Zuko asks, still visibly aghast.

"Kind of," Mai says with a shrug. "You got less sexy after you befriended the Avatar. Killed the Avatar Zuko was a lot hotter."

Azula laughs as Zuko's lips part in surprise.

Mai corrects herself with, "I really like you. I do. I mean, I guess I love you or something, but you're less sexy these days."

"What's sexy about murderers and thieves and selfish jerks?" Zuko demands, glancing between Mai and Ty Lee. Mai's eyes sparkle with unexpressed amusement, while Ty Lee's face is screwed up in concentration.

"Everything," Ty Lee finally chirps. "You never know what's going to happen next. I mean, maybe they're going to get in some bar fight with someone who hit on you, but then they buy you flowers the next day. Not to mention the _confidence _that comes with being bad."

"She has a point," Mai says, looking directly at Zuko now. "There's a lot of unpredictability."

"That sounds like abusive relationships," Zuko says and Mai groans.

"So what?" she asks and Zuko has no words. "Terrible people will always get laid more often than good people. It's just a fact."

"That's horrible," Zuko says, frowning. "It should be the other way around."

"Probably." Mai shrugs. "But the truth is, nobody wants to settle and have kids with an abusive jerk. So you just have to bide your time. I mean, the only reason I'm with you after you flipped sides is because I wanted to settle."

"Would you like me to get some cold water for that burn?" Azula says to Zuko, smirking. She thinks her lips might break in half.

"I meant that as a compliment," Mai says with a sigh.

Zuko leans back on the sofa and does not utter another word.

[X]

"Azula is getting thinner, Mai," Ty Lee says out of nowhere the day after a pleasant evening. She has been chewing on her nails as she watches Azula practice through the window. Lightning illuminates the early morning courtyard as Ty Lee eats her breakfast halfheartedly. Mai is trying to feed Izumi mashed up food and getting sticky doing it.

"Well, she still eats that crazy diet her father put her on. Instead of, you know, eating for two," Mai remarks, frustrated as she shoves the spoon into Izumi's mouth. Izumi spits it out.

"Do you think it's because she's depressed?"

"I think it's because she does nothing but work out and eat that absurd diet, and the baby is absorbing most of it. Maybe you should tell her to eat more. Or surround her with her favorite foods."

"Her favorite foods? What are her favorite foods?" Ty Lee asks, burying her face in her hands. This is _too _hard.

"Yeah, good luck with that. Azula hates eating."

And Ty Lee begins an incessant cycle of worry at month four of Azula's pregnancy.

[X]

And at month five, Ty Lee has been incredibly worried of late. More worried than usual.

She has never been a worrier; usually life just works out for her and she has nothing to fear. A positive attitude can be helpful. But Azula seems out of it and miserable. She refuses to _talk _about it, and Ty Lee is met by mouthfuls of lies and diversions when she tries to get her wife to open up.

It is the baby. She knows that it is eating away at her marriage as the fetus eats away at Azula.

Cheating on Ty Lee was only the beginning. As the baby grows, the resentment between them grows. Ty Lee almost envies her feelings when Azula had slept with the water whore. Now, she feels responsible, instead of victimized.

Azula has become far thinner, almost to the point she was when she first came out of prison. The baby bump grows as the princess seems to shrink. They are nearing five months of pregnancy, four months since Azula came home from Republic City with the good news. Or, Ty Lee thought it was good news.

She is with Azula when she throws up at all times of the day, doing everything for her, trying to force food into her mouth. Azula barely even threatens servants anymore; the only time she seems content is when she is distracted by her work as second in command of the Fire Nation.

Their sex life has taken a serious blow.

And Ty Lee is consumed by the fact that it is her fault. She demanded that they have baby. She might as well have forced Azula to conceive it, even though it seemed to upset her. Ty Lee always knew she was selfish, but she can barely understand the extent of her actions in this.

Babies are supposed to make people happy.

"Just spit it out," Mai says, sitting with Ty Lee and Izumi. Ty Lee has been gazing intently at the sleeping toddler as if it can give her some kind of incredible answer. "You and Azula are totally miserable."

"It's my fault! It's all my fault! And now she's going to probably go crazy and rampage or something! Or worse, despise our child and if she hates the child then how can I love it either!" Ty Lee screams, so loudly that probably the entire palace heard it. Mai cringes as Izumi tilts her head to the side, confused.

"The Fire Nation can't handle another Azula rampage," Mai says, her lips twitching with a smile. Ty Lee just buries her head on the table. "You could try standing on your head."

"Shut up, Mai!" Ty Lee shouts and Mai recoils. This is worse than she thought. "You're so full of fucking opinions all the time! No one wants to hear them!"

Mai is the least opinionated person Ty Lee knows. But at this point, she is desperate.

"Maybe you guys should take Izumi for the day," Mai offers, gesturing at her little girl. "To see that it's not so terrifying. Azula is probably just scared out of her mind. I was. But she reacts to fear... oddly."

Ty Lee takes a deep breath. She _wants _to believe what Mai is telling her, but she worries that it runs deeper than fear. But she nods.

"Okay. Fun day with her aunts," Ty Lee says, clasping Izumi's small, sticky hands in hers. The toddler grins and Ty Lee feebly smiles back.

She picks up Izumi and sets her on her feet, holding one of her hands to support her as she walks. They wander the palace until they arrive at the throne room. It is currently occupied and Ty Lee can hear the flames crackling from outside.

Ty Lee plays with Izumi for nearly half an hour, feeling blissfully distracted. _This _is why she wants her little boy or girl. Izumi is so fun to be around.

Azula walks out of the throne room, scoffing. Zuko is staying behind and talking to those they held an audience with. Azula tears her crown from her hair and kisses Ty Lee. It is stronger than Ty Lee expected.

"What are you doing with Izumi?" Azula asks, putting together the puzzle pieces quite quickly. "We're going to be babysitting her all day, aren't we?"

Ty Lee makes one of those _baby animal_ faces, and Azula sighs. She nods and examines Izumi with distaste.

Azula inquires, "Are we bringing her somewhere or are we just studying her like a zoo animal?"

"Whatever you want to do, princess."

_Princess. She called me princess. That cannot be a good sign for our intimate relationship._

"Please call me Azula." Well, she never imagined she would say that. Ty Lee looks embarrassed, and then scoops Izumi into her arms. The toddler laughs. Azula has always hated the sound of children's laughter.

"Well, I guess this can be a fun day for her," Ty Lee suggests hopefully, carrying Izumi and walking alongside Azula. "Hopefully for us too."

"Hopefully," Azula sighs, walking with Ty Lee towards the entrance hall to the palace. She thinks momentarily about returning home as a hero, and now being painted as the ultimate villain. Who decides who plays the villain? History... it's written by the winners.

"You look distracted," Ty Lee says as they walk out towards the Capitol City. Azula shrugs in response. "You should smile at Izumi more often. It makes babies feel more safe."

Azula contemplates it for a moment, and then smiles at Izumi. The baby grins back. A wrenching sensation strikes Azula's gut. She does not know why suddenly Izumi repulses her; she always had trouble with her niece, but now she actually feels frightened. The baby inside of her frightens her more.

"Where are we going?" Azula asks, examining the high end streets of the shopping district. If Ty Lee is going to make her shop for five hours, she might actually snap and go on a rampage.

"Shopping?" Ty Lee suggests, eyeing Azula for any sign of discontent. But Azula gives in; she needs new clothes at some point anyway, although she is shrinking in most of her body and growing in only one part.

Every time Ty Lee watches Azula change her clothes, she sees the way her shoulder bones stick out. It feels as if the progress is being lost, and they are falling behind in the race for recovery. If Azula goes back to how she was post-comet, Ty Lee does not think she could live with herself.

"So, do you want to hold shopping bags or Izumi?" Ty Lee says as they walk into a clothing shop. The tailor eyes Azula with a familiar anxiety.

"Izumi, I suppose," Azula says, reaching out for the baby. She takes Izumi into her arms and holds her as if she is more fragile than she is.

Izumi immediately knots her fingers in Azula's hair. _Wonderful_.

"Look, headbands!" Ty Lee is instantly across the store, examining a counter of headbands. Azula exchanges a strangely knowing glance with Izumi. "I mean, let's get maternity clothes, of course."

Azula smirks. "You can't be trusted with shopping, can you?"

Ty Lee turns her palms up and shrugs. She glances at the tailor and says, "My wife is pregnant. She needs clothes."

The tailor nods.

"It's an honor to serve you, princesses," she says, gesturing towards a door in the back of the shop. The tailor then smiles and waves at Izumi, adding, "And crown princess."

Azula makes a small face at Izumi's title that Ty Lee notices with dismay. Perhaps she is upset because her child will not be Fire Lord. Ty Lee hopes it is as simple as that; Azula's unquenchable desire for the throne is less frightening than other possibilities.

"How far along are you?" the tailor asks and Ty Lee's eyes widen. Azula does _not _like being asked questions, much less questions about her baby.

"Nearly six months," Azula says, adjusting the strap of her shirt. Izumi yanks it back down and Azula's eyes flicker.

They walk into the next room and Ty Lee almost starts glittering as much as the clothes. Expensive fabric, dresses dotted with rubies, silk and gold. It is the vault of high end clothing for the wealthy. Ty Lee _loves _when this kind of thing happens. Her wife looks unimpressed, and Izumi babbles something incoherent.

"Any ideas for names?" the tailor asks and Ty Lee realizes they have none.

She asked multiple times, but Azula refused to give answers. Ty Lee personally likes the girl name Asami, and she lacks a boy name because she always imagines a daughter. But she does not know if Azula would allow a peasant name for her child.

"No," Azula says firmly. The tailor looks momentarily frightened, but she resumes her kindly face and open posture after Azula looks at the floor.

"We're still thinking," Ty Lee says, trying to make up for Azula's blunt cruelty, and Azula does not protest.

"Take your pick of what you want. I'll refit it for the baby in the way," the tailor says, sitting down in a plush chair in the corner. Azula does not like being watched, but she accepts it.

Ty Lee has already started choosing clothes that Azula would never wear.

"How about you hold this, and I'll decide what goes on my body," Azula says, passing Izumi to her wife.

Ty Lee makes Izumi try on dresses as Azula orders around the owner of the shop, picking out things reluctantly. She recalls when her father decided most of her wardrobe, and she only now realizes how disturbing that was. The control he exerted over her is upsetting, to say the least.

"Look at Izumi," Ty Lee says, holding up the arms of the baby in a small little dress. Azula may struggle with children, but she always found their clothes cute.

"She looks nice," Azula says, peeling off an unflattering dress. She supposes she'll be showing less skin from here on out, due to the disproportionate baby bump and bones.

Afterwards, they go out to lunch with Izumi. The child throws rice around all over the floor and Azula has to tip the waiter extra, according to Ty Lee. She may plan to spoil her child, but she will never allow her baby to behave like Izumi.

Finally, they sit by the pier, watching the ships come in and out. It is beautiful, the sunlight reflecting in the water. Izumi is on Azula's lap, sleeping peacefully. Ty Lee holds a bag filled with toys she purchased for Izumi. Azula rummages through it as the baby rests on her cleavage most uncomfortably.

"Our child will have toys," Azula says and Ty Lee is surprised. Her wife usually avoids talking about their future with the baby. "I never did."

"Are you afraid, Azula?" Ty Lee whispers, knowing she will regret it. Azula purses her lips.

"I'm my father, Ty Lee. I don't think I should have gotten pregnant knowing that. It feels like a premeditated crime," Azula admits quietly, shooting a glance at a staring bystander that makes him run away.

Ty Lee suddenly understands. "I feel like I forced you."

"How many times do I have to tell you that I don't do anything I don't want to do," Azula whispers. Izumi stirs and Azula touches her neck, shushing her. Ty Lee blushes at the sight of Azula bonding with Izumi. Now if only she could do that with their unborn heir.

"I know you didn't have great parents. But I think it'll be okay."

"You have a lot of faith in nothing," Azula says. Izumi's eyes open momentarily, but Azula rubs her back and they close again. "I'm not cut out for this."

"You learn quickly," Ty Lee says softly and Azula smirks.

"That _is _true."

It does not make her feel better. But Ty Lee being aware of the situation was a wise move, Azula knows.

They sit at the pier for some time longer, Ty Lee fawning over the way that her wife holds her niece. It is beautiful to Ty Lee, and unnerving to Princess Azula.

It is a wonder that they work together so well.

_This is not who you are meant to be_. As Azula holds her niece, she can only hear the commanding voice of her father making her regret the decision to conceive.

Ty Lee holds Azula's hand, sweaty against smooth.

Silence.

[X]

"Azula, I have to say something. I only really thought about it with the whole Katara thing." And Ty Lee knows she vowed not to speak of it. But here she is, because that _kiss _that _sex _with someone other than Ty Lee has proven to be a symbol of a breaking relationship.

"Go on," Azula sighs, her hand resting on the bump on her abdomen. She feels queasy, and not just from her symptoms.

"I don't think anybody has loved anybody as much as I love you."

Azula does not respond. She hesitates and says softly, "I'm still crazy for you."

Ty Lee grins.

[X]

Azula, Mai and Ty Lee lounge in a parlor, yawning, bored, occasionally chattering.

"You guys need to think of baby names," Mai says. Azula is lying on one sofa with her head on Ty Lee's lap. She has her eyes half closed. Mai is leaning against the arm of a plush armchair. "I can't believe you don't have any."

"I like Asami," Ty Lee chimes in and Azula scoffs. Frowning, Ty Lee strokes Azula's hair.

"That's a peasant name," Azula says, Mai smirking. "But I'll meet you halfway. Azusami."

Mai laughs. Ty Lee turns red. "Um, Azula, that name is a bit... unusual."

"And incredibly narcissistic," Mai adds, smiling. It quickly fades from her face, as it always does, but she finds it extremely funny. Azula sits up, feeling dizzy from moving so fast. She wonders if she will be sick again, but she is not.

"I want my child's name to start like mine does. I mean, it's royal tradition, after all. Fire Lord Asami sounds ridiculous," Azula says, crossing her arms. Ty Lee purses her lips, protuberant eyes sparkling.

"I would be fine with Azusami," she says hesitantly, although she is not. "What about a boy? Kazou has a 'zu' in it. Kind of..."

"Azulon. No arguments," Azula says and Mai starts laughing again. The Fire Lady loves every moment of this. She has the _best _friends.

"Why your grandfather?" Mai asks, enjoying this too much.

"He was pretty nice to me before he was murdered." Azula shrugs. "I mean, I was named for him. Why not our son?"

Ty Lee is so glad that Azula is being involved with the soon-to-be baby, that she nods. If Azula's ridiculous baby names are the price to be paid for Princess Azula's happiness, then she supposes that is a sacrifice she will have to make.

"Those are terrible baby names," Mai says and Ty Lee shakes her head. She has thrown integrity out the window for the sake of her family.

"I think they're great," Ty Lee says softly and Azula know she is lying. But honestly, she does not care.

Zuko walks by and Mai flags him down, like a waiter. He momentarily thinks that something is wrong, but then he sees the look in Mai's eye that she gets when she makes fun of strangers, advisors or nobles, cackling like a sarcastic harpy as she makes rude ─ albeit witty ─ and expressionless comments about others.

"Zuko, listen to Azula's baby names," Mai says, still snickering slightly. Zuko looks concern, he crosses his arms and waits for Azula to talk.

"They're not _funny_; they're _respectable_," Azula states sharply, her eyes flashing. But Mai is not deterred by how clearly annoyed Princess Azula is. "Azulon if it's a boy."

Zuko makes a small face of distaste. "That's _tacky_, but I'll give it to you. He didn't order _your _death, I guess."

"No, no, the girl one, Azula; tell him the girl one," Mai says as Ty Lee squirms. Azula seems entirely unaffected by the gawkers.

"Azusami," Azula says earnestly and Zuko starts laughing. "Stop _guffawing_, brother! It's a good name."

"You just," Zuko gasps, "want your kid's name to be yours but you won't admit it." His eyes are damp when he finally regains his composure. Azula has an expression on that would make a warlord whimper.

"He's kind of right," Ty Lee whispers in Azula's ear.

"At least you wouldn't name your son after our father," Zuko offers, trying to sound cordial and compassionate and coming off all wrong. Azula purses her lips and says no more.

That night, Ty Lee feels relieved for the first time in a long time. Azula picking out baby names means that she has started to accept that she is having a child. They lie in bed, holding hands but not moving for any lustful desires. It feels nice.

"I haven't made these four months pleasant, have I?" comes Azula's voice in the darkness. Ty Lee purses her lips.

"It's on me as much as you."

Silence.

Azula suddenly makes a strange sound. Ty Lee leaps up, ready to rescue her from some invisible danger. But Azula grabs Ty Lee's hand and pulls it to her abdomen. Slight motion, ever so slight.

"It came to life," Azula murmurs, sounding strangely happy. Ty Lee is not complaining about the pleasure in her tone.

"This is wonderful."

They kiss.

"Ty Lee," Azula says, touching her wife with a gentleness that has not been felt since the day Azula walked out of the guest room in her underwear. "If you tell anyone this, I'll have to kill you."

"Mhm," Ty Lee murmurs, turning to face her wife.

"The feeling is mutual."

"What feeling?"

"I don't think anybody has ever loved anybody as much as I love you." Azula feels utterly ridiculous saying those words. _Completely ridiculous_. But this child stirs inside of her, alive and she can feel its heartbeat.

And she... she wants to try to make it work.

"We have something pretty special," Ty Lee says, smiling. She glows and Azula feels oddly _good _about it instead of wanting to cut her down a few notches. "Our love conquers more than you did."

"Ba Sing Se is a little more significant than─"

And she is cut off with a kiss.

[X]

Zuko wakes up earlier than he usually does and walks to go get his daughter. Mai is still sleeping, and the sun has barely risen. He wordlessly brushes past Azula in the hall, but it seems no one is awake but the two of them. When he opens the door to Izumi's room, he finds it oddly quiet; usually she starts babbling as soon as she sees him.

And then he looks to her crib and finds nothing in it but a note.

Azula has just opened the door to the courtyard when she finds her arm grabbed. Shrieking, she is yanked around to face her brother. She shakes him off of her.

"Use your words, ZuZ─"

"Izumi's been kidnapped by the resistance," Zuko exclaims and Azula's eyes flash. Well _that _was unexpected.

"How do you know?" Azula asks, shutting the door. Zuko hands her a letter and she reads it. It's signed _The General_. "Well then I suppose we'll have to rescue her."

"_We_?"

"Yes. I'm going to help you get your baby back. Don't act so surprised."

"I'll wake up Mai."


	34. barbaric

chapter thirty-four: barbaric

* * *

"_It did no good to cry, she had learned that early on. She had also learned that every time she tried to make someone aware of something in her life, the situation just got worse. Consequently it was up to her to solve her problems by herself, using whatever methods she deemed necessary." - The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo, Stieg Larsson_

* * *

"I'll be back," Azula says, gasping as she cleaves a bolt of lightning through the body of a man.

Izumi is inserted into Mai's arms after a fast fight as Azula runs after the soldiers clad in red and Fire Nation spirit masks. Ty Lee lunges forward, shrieking a wordless cry, but Zuko grabs her by the waist and holds her back. Her fists fly but she settles finally, tears swelling in her protuberant eyes.

"You'll be what?" Mai snaps, reaching for Azula, but it is too late.

"Let her have this," Zuko says as Azula disappears. "She needs to get her answers from them."

"She could _wait _to get her answers until after she's had my baby!" Ty Lee screams, but a wave of men and women in masks are coming at the Fire Lord, Fire Lady and princess. Azula is long gone, and they still have to fight.

The New Ozai Society is no match for Princess Azula. She takes them out one by one, floating on fire. Flips over their pathetic blasts of red flame. She delves deeper into the sacred hideout, occasionally shocking the guards through the heart with lightning. Her fire keeps her going as she walks through what appears to be a long-dead military base.

Somewhere in here are the answers. Somewhere. It is guarded heavily enough that there must be something juicy inside. She knows deep down she is risking the child growing inside of her, and she knows that Zuko will scour the world trying to find her if she is gone for too long, but she _has to solve this._

Izumi is safe, as is the rest of her family. But now, Princess Azula has to find answers, even if it risks her child and her future. Finally, she reaches the lowest floor, skidding to a stop at the bottom of the stairs. Two fingers lit on each hand, she examines the dimly lit room. It reminds her vaguely of the grim lower chambers of Ba Sing Se's palace, where she was dragged to Long Feng on her own accord.

Dungeons. Why is this like a dungeon?

The lights go out, the only illumination a blue glow from her fingers. Before she can grow her flames, she finds her hands clamped behind her back, entirely encased in metal. The lights flicker on, ruby lamps, and she finds herself completely surrounded by hooded and masked foot-soldiers of the New Ozai Society.

_Well shit. _Azula kicks flame around her, finding them all to be moderately competent firebenders. She fights with only her ankles, dodging any flames that come her way, and tries to bolt through an opening, desperate to get to the end of the hall.

She is tackled and she burns a hole through the steel encasing her hands, effectively burning the man who has her pinned down. As she kicks herself up and breathes flame into the neck of the soldier in front of her, the others grow closer to her.

The lights go out again, as if it is a game, and three needles collide with her arm.

She struggles to maintain consciousness, but finds herself falling to the floor, slipping away and blacking out.

[X]

Azula wakes up with the bonds on her hands gone. She wonders briefly if she imagined the fight, but the scars on her wrists from previous imprisonments have opened again and trickle droplets of blood. She is at the end of the hall, where she intended to go, slumped against the wall and with two swords pointed at her face.

It feels like a strange time skip, and she wonders how long she has been out.

"You can release the weapons," comes a gravelly voice of a middle-aged man. Azula squints through the captors around him and recognizes him as someone who once spent a good deal of time in the palace. He must have been a higher up in her father's command.

"She's dangerous," a familiar phrase echoes. Azula finds the phrase flattering, but hears it far too often.

"You've severely mistreated our honored guest. I don't care how many foot soldiers she murdered. They're expendable. The icon of our freedom and glory is _not_." The swords are removed from Azula's view. She finds her hand taken by this man and is pulled to her feet. She gives no expression.

"I'm the General," he says and Azula's eyes flicker with recognition. _The leader of the New Ozai Society just walks right up to me. Maybe my luck hasn't run out._

Azula wobbles, trying to keep balanced. She looks at the man who only is referred to as the General. He looks incredibly familiar, but she has seen a great many generals in her time. He steadies her and she hesitates, wondering if she should strike. The smell of charred flesh permeates the air, and she knows she must think of escape. But her head is splitting and she keeps stumbling when she walks. She struggles to bend, and eventually gives up.

"I apologize for your mistreatment, princess," the General says, holding onto her arm. She reluctantly allows him to support her. "The perpetrators will be severely punished. That is, the ones you didn't kill."

"You won't get away with this," Azula slurs, stumbling again. "If I don't come to from these fucking sedatives, my brother will..." _He won't_.

"We are the New Ozai Society, and you are our idol," is all the General responds with. She fights the urge to throttle him.

"You sedate and chain your _idol_?" Azula snarls as they approach a room at the top of the dank stairs.

"It was a mistake. I promise, your treatment will improve. I have no doubts that you could break out of here, so let me say my piece. The rewards for joining us now will outweigh the losses," the General says, opening the door. It is an unused and relatively plush bedroom. "You can be a princess lost to time, only recorded in the history books as the one Zuko defeated for the throne, or, you can make history remember you how you want to be remembered. I'll leave you be."

Azula stumbles into the room and lands on the bed, her wrists crumbling slightly under her weight. She reaches towards her abdomen, almost nervous to. Still there. Still there. Hopefully safe. She sits down on the bed and puts her head between her knees.

A firebender's breathing. Slow. She regains some clarity, but the drugs still pump through her system. She tries to conjure flames and gets nothing but smoke. Lightning is no use. She should regain it as soon as this wears off; she is certain. Being without bending is unpleasant and horrifying, but she can control herself. _She can_.

Suddenly, she is struck by a fit of vomiting, her stomach convulsing. The acid burns her already raw throat. And she crawls into the bed, lying down and keeping her breathing as controlled as possible. She _will _overcome.

The drugs overpower her and she falls asleep.

Azula wakes up and sees the face of the General, sitting on a chair across from her bed. She has been tucked into the blankets while she was out, and her wounds have been cleaned and bandaged. Hesitant; this is either kindness or a trap.

"Were you watching me sleep?" Azula demands, eyeing her captor ferociously. He looks intimidated, a flash in his eyes.

"I was simply awaiting you waking up," he says, and it is the same thing. She slowly sits up. Touches two fingers together ─ flames are conjured. She quickly puts them out before the General even notices. She can defend herself. "We have much to discuss."

"Yes, I have a lot of questions," Azula says, leaning against the headboard.

"You're the prisoner." Restraint. Restraint. Restraint. _Make him think you're defenseless. He will confess. _

"I'm pregnant," Azula says honestly, forcing fear into her voice. He buys that she is frightened, but truthfully she knows that she and the fetus will make it out of this alive.

"How far?" the General inquires, seeming genuinely curious.

"About five months," Azula says, pointedly touching the tiny bump.

"What will you name it?" The questions are so generic and usual to Azula, but they are asked in the midst of an interrogation.

"If it's a boy, Azulon. If it's a girl, Azusami," Azula says, her answer not sounding as rehearsed as it is. She points her eyes slightly towards the light, inciting in them the glimmer of a young woman in danger. She would like to be pushing a fistful of flames into his face, but this will be the best way to get her answers and then somehow get herself out of this.

_I could escape right now. That would be the _right _thing to do, as Zuko would say. Escape, go back to my family, to safety. But I want to know. I _need _to know. I can... I can take my chances. Doing the wrong thing is easier anyway._

"The Royal Family tradition." The General's voice is close to condescending. As if he thinks little of the royals he claims to fully support.

"It will be a prince or princess," Azula replies sweetly as he starts to stand up. She braces herself. Flames will be messy, but this is no time for a calculated strike. He walks closer to her and sits on the side of the bed.

"It _could _be the crown prince or princess," the General says, touching Azula's arm. She fights the urge to shake him off.

"See, you keep telling me that, but no one is telling me _how_. The New Ozai Society is out of control. I would be a figurehead. I don't want that. I want _power_." Azula gently brushes his hand off of her.

He looks angry for a moment, but then composes himself. Azula will get what she wants, she sees at that moment. The General lacks control. Azula has enough control to bend lightning and weave fables that trick the wisest of men.

"You had some of our foremost members imprisoned," the General says slowly and Azula is reminded of the fact she is a prisoner. Something skittish inside of her wants to burn him and run. But she has to be strong. "If you want us to give you the throne, you'll have to be patient. You had the perfect chance."

"I know. I gave in to temptation," Azula says, standing up. Her legs hurt and nearly give out under her. If the drugs in her system hurt her unborn child she thinks she will have to slowly burn the General alive. Maybe she does not want her baby as much as she should, but it is no one's right to take it from her but hers.

"Your child is my grandchild," the General says, gesturing to her hand resting on her abdomen. Azula looks at him, baffled. "Kazou is my son."

"I wouldn't consider him the father of my child," Azula says, masking the shock with a face of condescension. It almost makes sense to her that she would choose a nationalist for the task, but she completely missed it. Mostly because she was just trying to _bear _the situation.

"Speaking of which," the General says and Azula resumes her act of innocence, "you do notice the recurring trend in your failures to get the throne?"

"I don't," Azula says honestly, trying to keep her voice quiet. In all honesty, she is ready to _roar_.

"Your wife. She abandoned you at the Broiling Rock nearly seven years ago and you became unhinged. You collapsed. At your chance for escape in Ba Sing Se, you rescued her instead of defeating General Iroh and getting away. And, finally, during your notorious attempted coup, she stopped you from making the fatal blow on Zuko, although you had everything lined up for you to replace him," the General says and Azula swallows. The back of her mouth feels dry. He is right.

Azula has no clever words to respond with. It _is_, in fact, a trend that she likes to ignore.

"And now you're having a child you don't want because it will make her happy," the General continues and Azula's fingertips light. "Don't strike me yet. I'm only telling you what you already know."

Azula's flames fizzle out. The General smiles.

"I'm in love with her," Azula says, though it is a pathetic defense. The General tilts his head to the side slightly.

"You're not one for sacrifice, your highness," the General says and Azula takes a deep breath. She does not want to be confronted with this.

"How did you know about the Boiling Rock?" Azula breathes, walking towards him. "That isn't public knowledge."

"Your father told me," the General says. "He included the fact that you had fallen for a runaway noble who would only disgrace the Fire Nation. The rest, well, isn't that hard to figure out."

Silence. Azula would not put it past her father to say something of the sort. Of course, the source of the information does not matter; only the fact that it was shared is of her concern.

"She was the target of the assassination," Azula says, everything suddenly piecing itself together. And then a lurch in her gut when she realizes she walked into a trap. "And she has no idea."

"You were surprisingly easy to play, princess. From the girl who outsmarted the entire Earth Kingdom into losing a hundred year war... I expected more."

Azula moves her fingertips to conjure lightning, and finds herself hit with a sharp needle.

She collapses and is enveloped in dark warmth.

[X]

"Have you thought my offer through, your highness?" The General walks into the room with a certain forced gravitas. Azula lies in bed, her hands resting on her baby bump. Azulon or Azusami moves within her, as if protesting what is happening. Her neck is in excruciating pain from the syringes, and she can still feel mild sedation from the drugs that course through her.

"I love her. And if you touch her I will hunt down every last one of you and slowly cook you alive," Azula says, sitting up straight. The General only looks amused by her threats.

"I can't comprehend it. What has Zuko hammered into your head? You're thirsty for power. The throne is an eventuality for you. Just accept it," he says, walking towards her. She tenses slightly.

Azula does not know what to say. Because everything the General has told her has been accurate, but she keeps fighting him. She chews on the inside of her cheek, trying to think of some snappy comeback. But she cannot.

He breaks the silence with, "Join me for dinner."

"I don't think I have a choice," Azula purrs, sitting up. Her head spins with the motion. She does not know if it is the sedatives or the fetus or simply exhaustion.

She moves slowly, shaking, and he takes her by the elbow. _Humiliating_. He guides her slowly through the halls and Azula tries to memorize every detail of them. Her thoughts spin and her vision blurs every so often as she forces herself to find weak points or exits. It is dim, dark and dismal, water dripping from the ceiling as if in the belly of a ship, but they are clearly on land.

War bunker. Has to be. Why there would be one in the Fire Nation baffles her; she was never an expert on the defenses of her nation save for when she plotted to prevent the Invasion. But that _must _be useful information somehow. It has to be.

Nobody is coming to save her. She has to save herself somehow.

Azula finds herself seated at a long table that wobbles to one side. This place is in obvious disrepair, which means it must have been abandoned before the sweeping renovations her father implemented when the Avatar returned. Her grandfather's time, perhaps.

_Now how can that help _me_?_

"So I've heard you've taken up being honest," the General says as he sits down across from her. His form is wavy in her cloudy vision. "What a shame."

"I'm honest when it serves me to be," Azula replies sharply, glancing at the gilded plate in front of her. It is extremely expensive, a stark contrast to the crumbling bunker.

He laughs. "So I thought."

The food is served in a whirlwind and Azula plays with her fingers under the table, summoning small flames that instantly flicker out. She could always throw herself over the table and throttle him...

She examines the food; a slab of meat, ornately decorated vegetables, a blood red sauce. Her golden eyes move to the utensils.

"You'll be making a speech tomorrow."

"You sound a lot like my father," Azula replies, realizing she is lacking a knife. _Clever bastard_. She touches the tines of the fork as she speaks, "Don't try to control me if you want me to lead the Nation. I'm not a puppet. Tell me _why _I should make a speech tomorrow, and I might."

They're sharp. If she could summon enough force...

Azula grabs the fork as the General laughs at her words, and sets it on her lap. She moves a lonely salad fork into its place, and no one would know the difference.

"I humbly ask that you make a speech tomorrow, because it's what you do best. Your support of the New Ozai Society will not go unrewarded, although, a legion of followers should be a reward in itself," he explains, his tone strangely subservient.

"I need a knife," Azula remarks. He hesitates. "For the meat."

Slowly, the General rises. He clutches his own knife, that drips with the bloody sauce. He walks to her and leans over her body. She does not like the way he smells. He starts to cut her food and she takes the fork in her hand. If this doesn't work, she is royally fucked.

She stabs it into him and propels herself backwards, her chair clattering over. He lets out a wordless cry of pain. She jammed it right into his hip.

Azula starts running, through the door, through the bunker.

And slowly, finds herself collapsing. A burst of blue flame as she tries to push herself back up, and only winds up colliding face first with the floor.

A foot on her back.

"Don't try that again."

* * *

"I'm so worried," Ty Lee exclaims, miles away from where Azula lies unconscious. "She should be back by now. She should."

Mai clenches her jaw. They have been through this a thousand times. Ty Lee has not stopped worrying about Azula in a very long time and Mai is getting tired of it. Is she the only one who has faith in Azula's bending and smarts?

"She's probably rampaging right now. Or infiltrating their ranks or something," Mai says, meaning it as comfort, but it only seems to upset Ty Lee more. She has been a wreck for two days.

"Why would she run off with my baby?" Ty Lee shrieks, tugging at her hair. It is torn down from its ornate braided bun, falling loose around her shoulders. Pins that held it together clatter as they fall onto the floor.

"You _know _Azula. You know that she's fine," Mai says, frustrated now.

"Something feels wrong about this, Mai. My instincts are telling me that she's in trouble," Ty Lee says and Mai sighs.

"This is _classic _Azula. You're just worried about your kid. Which I respect. But she can handle herself, and she'll probably show up barking orders in another day or two," Mai says earnestly. Ty Lee simply sits down and starts crying again. Mai awkwardly rubs her back.

"I know you're right," Ty Lee says, her voice choked by sobs. "But maybe we should try to find her."

"I'll look into it. I've got to have some kind of resources as Fire Lady." Mai means it.

Ty Lee cries hysterically into her best friend's shoulder.

[X]

Azula wakes up harshly, gasping. She raises her fingers to illuminate the dark room and conjures only a weak flame. Panic. At least it's blue. She looks around and finds herself shackled to something by the ankles. _I should have seen that coming. Now... an escape to save Ty Lee and I'm back in business._

"The venom should be wearing off by now," comes the voice of the General. "How do you feel?"

"Fuck you," Azula replies airily, willing lightning and coming up short. "What is this _venom_?"

"Shirshu spit, and a couple herbs. Works nicely on other prisoners. You do wake up considerably earlier than the rest. And you seem to have retained some of your bending," the General says, shooting a tongue of flame and lighting the sole lamp in the grungy room.

"This is no way to treat your idol," Azula spits, glancing around at the barbaric and bloody instruments on the walls. She does not like her odds right now.

"I won't maim you, disfigure you and, as soon as your wife is taken care of by my son, I'll stop drugging you. You have my word," the General says and Azula considers her promises as trustworthy as Ozai's. She does not buy it.

"Kazou's going to try to kill her?" Azula asks, trying to break the shackles on her ankles. She manages to displace one, but otherwise only rips open her skin. She feels hot blood on her bare feet.

"_Try_," the General repeats and Azula breathes a blast of flame. It is inarguably weaker than she would like, but the General has to block it with his elbow. It singes some of the hair on his arm. He grabs her hand, and before she can react, she feels the shattering of bones under something hard and metal.

Excruciating pain. She does not scream or even tear up, which displeases the General. Her hand is definitely broken. Past broken. She slips the other hand behind her back, delving it into darkness. The useless one hands limp and red.

"I assure you I've been through worse than anything you can dole out," Azula says, her eyes sparkling with menace. The General is momentarily unnerved, eyeing her lips closely. Azula feels far too weak to repeat her dragon act, and she can only hope that he is frightened by it. "What do you even want to know? Is this just military bravado or are you trying to make yourself an enemy?"

"You're not inexperienced with torture, are you?" he inquires, sounding genuinely curious.

"I'm rather experienced. When I was on the hunt for the Avatar, we captured the leader of an Earth Kingdom town where the Avatar had been, and I interrogated him as my friend Mai slowly cut him apart with razors. And once I had the information I wanted it, I cut his tongue out and cauterized the wound," Azula says casually, as if commenting on the weather. The General feels queasy. "But you can't do any of that to me. Because nobody will follow _you_. They'll follow me, though. If you didn't need me, I would have never endangered myself by coming here."

The General must admit she is right. Breaking her hand was already a knee-jerk move that he regrets. She is his only hope, his only chance, of a dominant Fire Nation.

"This is military bravado. Just trying to scare you," the General admits, hoping his honesty will impress her. She smirks.

"I mean, the tools are intimidating, but I've been through more in twenty years than most people go through in a lifetime. When I was in prison, I was suspended by my wrists and gagged for two years, my knees barely touching the floor. Mostly because I killed several of the guards and had a handful of escape attempts," Azula says, realizing the power is back in her hands. The General looks _shocked_. "I've been beaten up, crushed by rock to the point of compound fracture, not to mention the childhood trauma I've endured. And to be honest, who taught you to break bones, your husband?"

He slaps her in the face and she comes back up from the force smirking. It left marks on her smooth skin, but she does not seem to care.

"You can wait in here for a while," he decides, turning out the light and leaving.

Azula is left in the darkness to contemplate how she is going to rescue Ty Lee.

She thinks of how she has mistreated her wife of late. _Of_ always. But when she thinks of Ty Lee, she can only think of the way her eyes sparkle and the way her light ebbs Azula's shadow. She is the only person Azula can trust, and when she is with her, she feels _infinite _in ways not brought on by displays of power and affirmations of aging men.

When she closes her eyes, she is not in this prison, she is looking at her wife.

And she is so beautiful.

Regrets are unprofessional and Azula knows it, but she regrets. _How _she regrets. If only she...

If only.

[X]

Ty Lee has a surprise visit. She wipes her eyes, tries to make herself look presentable and fails, and then walks into the foyer of the palace.

"Hey, Kazou," Ty Lee says, looking at the friend of the family who helped conceive her future child. He looks charming tonight, sleeveless shirt. Momentarily, Ty Lee worries he is going to try to seduce her again. But he simply smiles and allows Ty Lee to lead him to a solitary parlor.

"It's nice to see you," he says, touching her hand. She purses her lips.

"Do you need something?" It does not feel like a casual visit. He seems slightly nervous; his body quavers. "Is something wrong?"

"I just need to talk to you. Can we go somewhere private?" Kazou inquires, slowly standing up. Ty Lee hesitantly follows him.

They walk towards a patio, an unused one. It stopped being cleaned by servants long ago, and the plants are overgrown and rotting. Ty Lee watches Kazou shut the door behind him, and she feels her heart speed up.

"You know, I never told you about my father," Kazou says and Ty Lee can hear his voice shake.

"Azula said he worked for Fire Lord Ozai," Ty Lee offers and Kazou nods. "Is there something wrong with your father?"

"Have you ever had do something you didn't want to do because you had no choice?" Kazou asks, and Ty Lee nods.

"I betrayed Azula to save Mai's life."

"I know the feeling." He moves closer to Ty Lee and she sees a glint of metal. Moving quickly, she seizes it from him and finds a needle doused in some kind of poison. She tosses it into the plants and Kazou lunges at her, grabbing her by the waist.

One thumb drives into his shoulder and he collapses, knocking over an archaic vase. It shatters, the broken glass wounding him.

"Mai!" Ty Lee screams, so loudly the entire palace hears it. Ty Lee holds one fist menacingly over him as she watches him try to bend. "Yeah, there's no fire right now, Kazou."

Mai comes dashing onto the patio, holding two knives. "Please tell me you're in danger so I don't look like ─ Kazou?"

"This asshole just tried to murder me," Ty Lee says breathlessly as Kazou's face contorts in pain. Mai grabs him by the shirt and holds one of the razors to his neck menacingly. His throat throbs with a heightened pulse, brushing against the blade.

"This has something to do with Azula, doesn't it? Cough it up or I'll slit your throat," Mai demands, digging the knife tighter to him. He gasps, struggling to free from the invisible bonds Ty Lee put on him.

"My father has her. He said that we had to kill Ty Lee if Azula would be Fire Lord," Kazou stammers, eyeing the knife with fear, and occasionally glancing at Ty Lee.

"Tell us where the fuck she is."

[X]

"Zuko!" Mai is _shouting_, is the first thing that Zuko realizes. She is shouting and carrying a bloody razor and Ty Lee is crying hysterically at her side, trying to keep up as they both run through the halls of the palace. Zuko can only stare.

"What is it?" He rubs his neck, not sure what to think.

"We have to rescue Azula. Come on, hurry up," Ty Lee shrieks, grabbing him by the arm and tugging him towards the door.

"What do you mean, we have to rescue Azula?" Zuko demands, glancing around. He knows she ran off days ago, but he assumed she was taking care of business. He knew she did not _want _to be found.

"Kazou just confessed that the New Ozai Society is holding her hostage. And Kazou told us exactly where to find her," Mai explains as Ty Lee jumps back and forth uncontrollably. Her heart is racing and she knows that she needs to find her wife.

Zuko is brought up to speed by Mai as they rush towards the fastest method of transportation to a long forgotten war bunker. Mai is checking knives, Ty Lee hyperventilating, and Zuko hoping that Kazou has not led them into a trap. But Zuko must rescue Azula if he has to. He knows he has to.

Kazou is locked up in the prison he once worked at, beaten up by Ty Lee and Mai for information. And now Zuko is prepared to delve into a war bunker filled with enemies in order to liberate Azula. So help him, if she is plotting this somehow, or if she is not actually in danger, he will be livid.

There will be consequences.

[X]

As Zuko, Mai and Ty Lee arrive at the war bunker and start punching, the General walks into Azula's cell. She is sitting on her bed, focusing on a single flame on her fingertip and trying to regain her strength. She quickly puts it out as he walks inside and leaves the door slightly ajar.

"Your highness," the General says, and Azula does not respond. "Kazou hasn't returned yet."

"That's a good sign for me then," Azula breathes, slowly standing up. The door is open, she has a little flame in her. She can do this. Ty Lee is not dead.

She walks to him and he grabs her arm, stifling the flame before she can conjure it. Azula kicks her knee forward as she hears a chaos outside of the cell. He grabs her and pulls her to him, holding her where he wants her. Her eyes flicker to the door. _No_.

The scent of acrid smoke wafts through the door. She has a perfect diversion and a perfect escape, but she is literally in the clutches of the foulest man she has ever met.

"Just remain calm. You're going to be fine," the General says, slowly setting her on her feet. She hates being treated like this and she fantasizes about ripping out his jugular.

And he presses his lips against hers. _That _is the last straw. Azula digs her teeth into his lips and she can taste his blood as he screams and pushes her at the wall. She jumps up and throws open the door.

She sees a riot broken out over something and Azula starts running. She dashes into the hall, stumbling, as the General clutches his profusely bleeding lips. She slides to a stop, surrounded by soldiers. Eyes wide, she tries to summon flame but finds the drugs sinking in around her.

And then ─ and she wonders if she is hallucinating ─ a blast of red fire punctures the soldiers surrounding Azula. She glances for the General, but sees Zuko.

"Get up!" he screams, face red as his scar. "We have to go! This place is fucking overrun with─"

"I'm sedated. And I can't bend," Azula replies slowly, her heart racing but artificially slowed at the same time. Her vision is fuzzy as she is suddenly hoisted into Zuko's arms and tossed over his shoulder like some damsel carried by a barbaric soldier.

"Well, shut up and be rescued." With one hand, he combats the soldiers in the hall, Azula swinging around wildly. She thinks she is going to vomit.

Zuko starts bounding down the halls of the bunker, and Azula wants to return to finish off the General, but Zuko is plowing through using muscle and the occasional flame. Her forehead bounces against his spine and she has the urge to knee him where it hurts, but she also knows she is not capable of running this fast while so drugged.

"You do realize," Azula says as Zuko spars with a dual sword wielding New Ozai Society drone, "that if we both die, there's no one to lead the Fire Nation? Behind! Behind!"

A jet of flame is coming at her face and she gasps in, swallowing it. Zuko reacts too late, throwing a fistful of fire that sends the firebender reeling backwards. But the opponent gets back up and Azula tries to see where he is coming from.

"Ugh, I can't─" Zuko punches fire at an incoming assailant as a wave of flame comes at both of them. Azula blocks it and immediately feels incredibly weakened.

"I can't keep saving you like this, Zuko. I'm going to pass out. The drugs they've been pumping me full make my bending ─ left! Left! No, moron, _my left_!"

Zuko again has delayed reaction time, but the hallway is finally cleared. Zuko starts running again, throwing fire in all directions from his one hand like a crazy person.

"If you time your breathing, ZuZu─"

"Shut up and be rescued!" Zuko snaps again, ducking under a barrage of arrows.

"I'm just saying that firebending comes from the breath─"

"I can turn around!" Zuko shouts as he takes out all of the archers.

Azula is silenced. As soon as Zuko is done with the archers, she starts readjusting her position. "Stand still and I can double our chances of survival."

Her limbs dig into him and he squirms as she repositions herself on his back, her chin on his shoulder and her legs and arms wrapped around his chest. Zuko flexes his back and realizes she does not weigh that much, but the force of her grasp is outstanding. This might work better than going one-handed.

"Now let's escape, shall we?" Azula purrs as Zuko bounds through the halls. They duck arrows, blades and flames as Zuko punches blasts of fire and tries to get he and his sister to the exit.

Suddenly, they are surrounded.

"Ankle! Ankle!" Azula shouts, nearly puncturing Zuko's eardrum. "And two fingers to the right."

"Don't tell me what to ─ _yow_!" Zuko is hit in the back by the hilt of a sword. And so he does as Azula ordered, and their path is cleared again, the enemies burnt or crippled.

Azula snickers. "I told you it would work." And she ducks an arrow that nearly collides with Zuko's forehead.

"I don't need you to tell me how to rescue you!" Zuko shouts as they break into the entrance hall.

Mai breathes, "I never thought I'd be so happy to hear you two fighting. We were just trying to figure out who was next in line for Fire Lord."

Ty Lee and Mai are holding off superior forces in the main foyer of the bunker. Ty Lee is flipping back and forth, taking down soldiers and Mai is fresh out of knives, just trying to defend herself. It took Zuko long enough.

Zuko and the three girls make it out of the bunker and run some time further until they are near a city. People gawk as Zuko sets Azula down and takes a deep breath. He supposes the royal family covered in sweat and blood in the middle of a sleepy village that used to produce weapons for the war is out of the ordinary.

"Is that your blood on your chin?" Ty Lee asks gently, touching Azula's lips.

"No," Azula replies honestly, kissing Ty Lee fiercely. She was afraid it would be too late, that Kazou would succeed in assassinating Ty Lee. But he didn't, and Azula is free.

"I missed you," Ty Lee whispers, touching Azula's hand. Mai sticks her tongue out and shivers.

"Don't touch that hand," Azula murmurs, gesturing to how red, swollen and distorted it is. Ty Lee's eyes flash. "They broke it."

"We have to get you medical attention," Zuko says breathlessly and Azula tries to stand up. She falls and Ty Lee catches her before she hits the ground.

"I completely agree," Azula says coldly as Ty Lee holds her.

"I'm so happy to see you," Ty Lee says blithely, relief in her tone and her heartbeat as she examines her one true love.

Azula whispers into her hair, "I'm so sorry that I ever mistreated you. I don't know how I could've ever forgotten loving you."

Ty Lee closes her eyes.

[X]

"I never realized how much I wanted this baby until I had to fight for it," Azula says, curled up on the plush bed in the same hospital Zuko was held in for his lightning injury. Ty Lee is with her, on the bed, holding her tightly. She never wants to be separated from Azula ever again.

"I'd like to say that's good," Ty Lee says, at a loss for other words. Their lips touch, albeit hesitantly. "Are you feeling any better?"

"I've been through much worse," Azula says earnestly, a slight smirk on her lips. She leans back against the pillows. Her body feels overwhelmed, a sort of livid heat within her that has a glacial touch to it. The inexplicable sensation of having escaped her captivity, but not her prison in Zuko's custody is painful.

She sets her hand on her abdomen, feeling an odd connection to Azulon or Azusami. It was in there, fighting for the life she made instead of the life she thought she desired, that she realized what really mattered. It only took being in the clutches of the General to know that this baby is not the curse she thought it would be.

"Your hand looks better," Ty Lee says, touching the repaired bones. Azula nods; she will not have any problems doing her pointless training exercises.

"I'm never going to be Fire Lord, am I?" Azula asks abruptly and Ty Lee does not know what to say. She knew Azula still cared but... she thought maybe it was in the past. "Sometimes I dream about it at night and I wake up and try to close my eyes and fall asleep again and it's gone."

Ty Lee swallows. "We're going to have a family. And a lot of other things that are way better than being─"

"I know. I don't care anymore." And Azula closes her eyes, ending the conversation.

Azula leaves the hospital a few days later, and is back to normal, save for the fact that she chooses sleeping over training. Her bond with Azulon or Azusami increases slightly, but she still feels some days as if it were her worst mistake.

Things are on the mend.

They are.

Even if in her nightmares, her father's face has been replaced by that of the General.


	35. reasons

chapter thirty-five: reasons

* * *

_"You might be looking for reasons but there are no reasons."  
\- Nina LaCour, Hold Still -_

* * *

"Yay, baby room!" Ty Lee cheers, walking into Zuko's old bedroom. She subsequently coughs and sneezes from the dust. "We should really fire all of the servants for how disgusting this place is."

"It's gotten better," Azula says, standing up for underlings for the first time. Usually she loves the decimation of a peasant's livelihood. "It's a wonder I didn't die of asphyxiation as a child. We only used three rooms."

Zuko enters carrying paint, and Mai lugs brushes and artwork with her. They fell behind from the sheer weight of Ty Lee's demands. Zuko looks around with a strangely wistful expression at a bedroom he has feared setting foot in for years. The memories were too painful ─_are _too painful.

"Well, just do whatever you want with what's in here," Zuko says, gesturing at the room. "I haven't even looked at any of it in years."

Azula smirks. "You don't care about any of it?"

"Not really," Zuko replies, and Azula seizes a hammer from the stack of supplies for the renovation. _Smash_ and she thwacks it into a framed picture. Zuko winces.

"You can be gentle, Azula," he says, gritting his teeth. _Why do I let her have any freedom?_

And she smashes another picture. Zuko's eyes bulge. That one was given to him by Mai.

"Stop it!" he shouts. _Smash_; there goes his box of little trinkets. "This is my childhood!" Zuko grabs the useless items that spill out of the broken glass canister.

"You said I could do whatever I wanted," Azula says, slamming the hammer into his wardrobe three times before the wood cracks. She tosses the hammer to the floor and sets the wardrobe ablaze.

"Azula, stop!" Zuko puts out the fire but it is too late. He looks like he is going to cry. "Stop destroying my childhood!"

Mai picks up the hammer off of the floor. "I'm really sorry about this, Zuko, but..." _thwack_. She smashes an acrylic dragon. "This is kind of fun, Azula."

"I know." Azula is jumping on the bed, burning and melting dusty treasures of Zuko's past. He stammers orders for them to stop, but he only looks ridiculous.

"Really, people," Ty Lee says and Azula and Mai stop. Zuko cannot believe they do not yield for the Fire Lord, but stop instantly at the words of Princess Ty Lee, "think this through. We can't have a _totally _destroyed room. We need it to look nice for Azulon or Azusami."

"Just one more," Mai says, and she slams the hammer into this hideous necklace Zuko tried to give her and she returned. "Alright, _now _we can make a baby room."

And so they do, Zuko on the verge of tears.

"I destroyed your childhood _again_, huh, ZuZu?" Azula cackles, pure, wicked joy in her gilded eyes.

"Shut up and set up the cradle," Zuko snaps huffily.

[X]

"This was easily the fourth most _boring _political meeting I've been in," Azula purrs, as she and Zuko prepare to go off to their respective sides of the palace for the night.

Zuko pauses and stops walking. "Do you rank everything?"

"I like making lists," Azula says with a small shrug and Zuko narrows his eyes. "It's true."

"I never knew that about you," he says, starting to walk again. She moves directly next to him, taking significantly longer strides to keep up.

"If you asked questions other than, 'Where were you?', 'What are you up to?', 'Are you conniving?' and maybe once broke the pattern and asked, 'What kinds of things do you like, Azula?' maybe you would learn something," Azula says with a small smirk. They stop at the hallway where they would part and go off to bed. It is late and the windows illuminate them in pale moonlight.

"What kinds of things do you like, Azula?" Zuko asks. She is surprised.

Azula did not ever expect her brother to take an interest in her, even when she suggested him to do so. It is not necessarily fair, because she never asks Zuko about himself either. But maybe this is a deplorably disgusting step in the right direction for the two siblings.

"I really like the sunrise. And when people mean what they say, as ironic as that is. I like music and perfume that smells like fear and age older than my own. I look pretty ridiculous so I'm going to stop there," Azula replies and Zuko squints at her.

"I know nothing about you," he says and Azula shrugs.

"We never made an effort," Azula says, slowly walking away. He watches her disappear around the hall and to her bedroom.

He never really knew Azula.

Maybe he should make an effort.

[X]

The next morning, Azula spends the entire morning vomiting. It is unpleasant, but has become the norm. Ty Lee is holding her hair and worrying incessantly as Azula feels resentment for the fetus inside of her. But love means sacrifices and she is going to have to try to love this child.

And as the morning passes, she has words behind her lips that she is concealing. She is afraid that if she says them, she will lose all she has. But they linger there until she finally snaps.

"I don't think I could love my child if it couldn't firebend," she says at the table to her entire family.

There is a resounding silence.

"See, this is why I say you shouldn't have kids," Zuko declares and Azula gives him a silent glare. She _knew _she should not have told people about this.

And last night it seemed as if Zuko genuinely cared about Azula, but he still stands firm in his old prejudices. She does not blame him for hating her, or for being afraid of what she could be as a parent. But it is painful to feel incapable of voicing any discontent about the fetus inside of her.

"I'm going to tell you what I told your father," Ursa says, and Ty Lee attempts a motion to signal Ursa to stop talking as Zuko rubs his neck, but Ursa does not pay attention. "Your child will be able to firebend. There hasn't been a single nonbender in the royal family history."

"That we know of," Azula replies, to Ursa, sounding exactly like Ozai. It pains her to see her daughter this way, but she knows that it is who Azula is, and that may never change.

"Look, Azula," Mai says, not liking where the Ozai comparison is going, "if your child can't firebend, I'll teach it how to throw knives like me."

"I'll teach our little baby too! All the pressure points." Ty Lee hugs Azula tightly.

"And Zuko," Mai continues, "will teach it how to live with the crippling disappointment."

Ursa gives Mai a look usually reserved for Azula as Zuko blushes. But Mai does not care; it made Azula laugh and no one needs her crazy.

"You guys mean that?" Azula asks, a strange sweetness in her tone. She feels overwhelmed by the fact that anybody cares about Azulon or Azusami but Ty Lee, and occasionally, Azula herself.

"Of course. We're pretty much the most badass nonbenders in history," Ty Lee chirps and Mai nods in agreement. "I mean, you love us, why couldn't you love Azulon or Azusami?"

"What?" Ursa asks, out of the loop about the baby names. She is not sure if she should find this positive or negative.

"Azula's hilarious baby names," Mai says sharply, displeased at Ursa's tone. Naming her baby is great progress for hesitant mother Princess Azula. _When did I start caring so much about Azula's happiness?_

"Why would you name your son─"

"I'm sorry but just shut up!" Ty Lee exclaims at Ursa and Azula thinks she may be hallucinating. Zuko swallows as his mother looks at him to scold his sister-in-law. But he has to be honest that Ursa does not make things easy for either Azula or Ty Lee.

Ursa stands up and leaves, her food still hot on her plate and her tea half finished.

Ty Lee frowns. "I feel bad about that."

"Please don't," Azula purrs, feeling relatively smug. Zuko clenches his jaw, making a mental note to explain the issue to his mother later.

"Do you really worry about that, Azula?" Mai asks, her voice as close to tender as its monotonous sound gets.

Azula chews on her lip for a moment. "Yeah, yeah I do. I don't think I could relate to my baby at all if it couldn't firebend. That's all I know. How could I... Never mind. It'll be fine. I appreciate your promises."

And Princess Azula leaves as quickly as Ursa. Ty Lee and Mai exchange a glance and Zuko feels out of the loop.

[X]

Ty Lee finds Ursa as Azula is out with Mai. After this morning's uncomfortable conversation, the Fire Lady took the primary princess out for lunch and shopping for the replacement furnishings for what will soon be the baby's room. They are destroying Zuko's old bedroom and renovating, much to Ty Lee's excitement. She hopes Azula and Mai have better taste in furniture than they do in... everything else.

"Um, hi," Ty Lee says, having never honestly interacted with her mother-in-law. She remembers greeting and bowing to her as a kid, and talking to her briefly at the wedding or when occasion arose, but Ursa seemed to disapprove of her relationship with Azula. And Ty Lee never _was _kind to Ursa, much like Mai.

"Do you need something?" Ursa asks kindly, but Ty Lee can tell she is unwelcome. "I never was able to congratulate you on the child."

"Thank you. I wanted to talk to you about Azula and our baby," Ty Lee says and Ursa gestures for her to sit down. They are in a seating area outside of Ursa's secluded room. She seems to keep to herself.

To Ty Lee, Ursa has always looked sad. Not actively sad, but the kind of sad that just _is_.

"I don't know if I'm an expert on my daughter," Ursa says with a slight note of bitterness.

"You had children. And," Ty Lee says, hesitating on her last words, "you were married to Fire Lord Ozai."

Ursa understands instantly. She never took a liking to either Mai or Ty Lee, but she supposes her daughter-in-law must be concerned about Azula having her baby. And Ursa has been worried about Azula as well, though Azula refuses to acknowledge her mother's fears.

"I'm worried about her," Ty Lee says as she sits down. Her hands shake slightly. "She seems to want the baby but she has no connection to it at all. I don't know how to make her want it. And I think it's my fault because I was the one who wanted the baby and she just did it to make me happy."

To Ursa, that does not sound much like Azula. And so she replies, "She would tell you if she didn't want to do it."

"I think she underestimated what she was getting into. And it's my fault." Ty Lee looks incredibly upset, and it is unfamiliar and alien.

"I was coerced into having her. I'm sure it wasn't as bad as that." Ursa regrets her words when she says them. "No two people feel the same way about something at the same time."

Ty Lee is silent. And then she asks, "You were coerced into having Azula?"

"Yes."

It explains much.

[X]

"I think Azula needs to make amends with you and her father before she can really accept the baby. She seems to be doing better now that she escaped the resistance. But sometimes she does worse," Ty Lee says and Ursa hesitates.

"I know that it's for the best."

And Ty Lee tries to nudge Azula in the right direction.

This child will have two _loving _mothers if it is the last thing Ty Lee does.

"I should tell him that I'm having a baby," Azula says abruptly as Zuko hands her Izumi. He is cleaning baby vomit off of himself, and Azula is not looking forward to such things.

"Who?" Zuko seems to genuinely not know. He never fails to amaze her with his lack of intelligence.

"Our father. Who else?" Azula says and Zuko stops rubbing his shoulder with the damp rag. Izumi babbles in the silence, Zuko's eyes wide.

"You shouldn't do that. You really shouldn't," Zuko says and she can see his thoughts through his eyes. He blames Ozai for Azula's downward spiral that resulted in a coup. And he thinks that the influence of Ozai still afflicts his little sister.

"It's the right thing to─"

"When has he ever done the right thing?"

"Don't interrupt!" Azula shouts and Izumi mumbles something incoherent, as if the brainless infant is confused. She tugs at Azula's hair, oblivious. "I want to tell him. But I need you to come with me."

Zuko looks up. "You just want to piss me off."

Azula is tempted to lie and agree with him. But she knows that this is one of those rare times when honesty will get her way. "I need you to come with me because I don't feel comfortable being alone with him."

She blinks for a little too long and Zuko can tell she just suffered from a very unpleasant image in her mind. He knows the feeling of that moment of eyes closed, the world slipping away. Forgetting is always easier, but when you push things away, they are all the more forceful when they return.

"I'll bear it. I don't see why he has to have anything to do with your kid. But if you want to, I guess I'll come." Zuko wonders when he started doing favors for Azula. She seems dazed as she adjusts which arm she holds Izumi in.

"I thought you would," Azula says, and Zuko knows that it is her version of _thank you_.

"Can I suggest something?' Zuko says and Azula shrugs. Izumi does not like the movement and presses her small, squishy hands on her aunt's shoulder. Azula clenches her jaw. "Why don't you try to make things right with mother instead of father?"

"Because one of them is more deserving than the other."

Zuko is startled at her words. How she can possibly think that Ursa is less deserving of forgiveness than Ozai is completely baffling. But he supposes that is how Azula was raised, and maybe nothing can change that.

"Tomorrow morning," Azula says, handing her niece back to her brother. "After breakfast." She does not think she will be able to stomach food; she is filled with anxiety just at the thought of visiting her father again.

[X]

That night, Azula lies down beside her wife, her hands resting slightly on the small bump on her abdomen. She sometimes wonders if she is too thin because of the torture the resistance put her through, but she tries not to think about it. But she was folding into herself before she got caught and drugged. Ty Lee is constantly _touching _and mumbling about how the baby kicks just a _tiny _bit and asks Azula why she can't feel it. The truth is, Azula does feel the fetus moving, but she doesn't want to say how much it makes her unhappy, so she takes the easy way out and lies.

"I'm going to see my father tomorrow," Azula declares and Ty Lee winces as if something were thrown at her.

"Are you sure that's a good idea?"

There is a long silence. Both girls wonder if the other is pretending to be asleep.

"You know, I never told anybody what happened the last time I saw him. Well, penultimate. For some fucking insane reason I went back again for his _blessing _on committing the coup."

"It was a hard time for you," Ty Lee whispers, feeling frightened by Azula's tone.

"It was a spiral off my pedestal I worked so damned hard to build. But, I went to see him while I was getting really fucked up and it was like he saw it." Azula props herself up on her elbow. Ty Lee gazes at her, how the shadows fall on her face. She can still be... frightening. "And he did this."

Ty Lee watches, the darkness partially obscuring Azula's actions, as her wife's lips press against hers. It takes Ty Lee a breathless moment to realize that Azula is reenacting her encounter with her father, and suddenly the passionate kiss feels sickly. Azula's hand slides up Ty Lee's nightgown, running against her smooth skin. It rests on her breast, pressing down with an odd tenderness, but a forcefulness that makes Ty Lee break out in a sweat. Her nipples harden and at first it feels good but then she feels disgusted.

Azula grabs Ty Lee's hand and pulls it towards her hips and Ty Lee pushes her away. _Hard_.

"That's just _disturbing_. Don't do that!" Ty Lee snaps and Azula snorts derisively. And then Ty Lee realizes that Azula _lived_ that and it was a thousand times worse. She feels a twinge of regret, and reaches towards her wife. Azula rolls away.

"I was only giving you an idea of how things went," Azula says softly, and Ty Lee wants to apologize, but knows it will not be accepted.

They go to sleep in silence.

[X]

Azula walks into the familiar prison cell with a distinct sensation of foreboding in her stomach. Zuko is behind her, looking equally anxious. Facing Ozai is perpetually unpleasant; Azula liked it when she first gained the ability to visit him with her in control, but after last year, it feels twisted.

She has to admit she lied to Zuko. Appealed to his patriarchal desire to _protect _her. Really, she just needs more ammunition against her father if she is going to _win_. Hopefully, Zuko will provide that.

Zuko lights the lamp before Azula can wash the cell in cerulean. Both of them have defensive posture and twitchy fingers, though Ozai poses no threat.

"It's been almost two years, little princess," he growls and she nods. Zuko watches with discomfort. "To what do I owe the pleasure?"

Azula seems to hesitate. "I wanted to tell you that I'm pregnant."

"Yes, I can see that. You look around seven months too late to be telling me."

Zuko moves towards Azula and she pushes him away. He looks sullen for a moment, but obediently retreats into the shadows.

"Why would you tell me that? After all I've put you through?" Ozai asks and Azula walks closer to the bars. She stops, a distance away, and Zuko wonders if she is concerned he will harm her somehow. She is infinitely more powerful than Ozai, especially without his bending, but there is a slight glimmer of fear in her golden eyes.

"I thought it was the right thing to do," Azula lies and he scoffs.

"Why are you here? Tell me," Ozai demands and Zuko's eyes flash. He clenches his jaw and tries to keep from dashing forward and shouting at the man who burned and banished him. The man who permanently fucked up his daughter in numerous ways. He is, by far, a terrible father.

"I'm here because..."

"You can tell me. Who am I going to spill your secrets to? You used to tell me so many private things in this room," Ozai says with a small, mocking smile. Azula pouts slightly, twisting her fingers together. Restraint. Restraint. Restraint.

Zuko notices that his father's scarring has healed more than Zuko's, but is uneven and covers more of his face. Azula did that to him, yet he still tried to convince her to overthrow Zuko. Maybe he knows that he is Azula's weakness. And that sickens Zuko to the core.

Azula glances at Zuko, and then makes her decision. "I'm here because I'm you. And I'm... concerned for my child."

"Concerned about what? You're going to have to be more specific, little princess," Ozai says and Azula swallows.

"I worry about things with the baby. I'm concerned I won't ever love it. I haven't bonded with the fetus at all. I'm supposed to have done that by now and I can't tell anyone because everyone thinks it's such a bad idea for the crazy princess to raise a child. I'm concerned because when I think about my child not being able to bend, I associate killing myself with it, because I couldn't bear that. I... I don't think I'll ever be able to hug it or give it a bath or stroke it's hair like Mai does with Izumi. Those thoughts revolt me, and I think they shouldn't," Azula says, her brother completely stunned by these concerns. He had never heard any of them before and had no idea they were going through Azula's mind. But put her in front of Ozai, and suddenly, her clamped lips loosen.

Ozai looks as if he is genuinely thinking through her concerns. Zuko has never seen that face on his father before, and it fills him with an unwanted envy. Why should he care if his father gives consideration to Azula's words? It isn't like Ozai's opinion matters.

"You are like me, Azula," Ozai says, looking up at her. He meets her gaze and she averts her eyes. "You are _very _much like me."

"I know," Azula says and Zuko hears her voice shake slightly. He has never seen her like this and it terrifies him. "And I know that somehow I'm going to hurt this kid. I didn't even want it in the first place. My wife did."

Ozai laughs mirthlessly. Azula clenches her right fist. And Zuko can only watch, stunned speechless.

"You will," is all their father says. "You will hurt your kid."

Zuko interjects, whether Azula likes it or not. "You have no right to say that to her!" Zuko shouts, his hands blazing.

He pushes Azula out of the way as she blocks the flames that accidentally collide with her. He seizes the bars, his heart palpitating out of nowhere.

Zuko continues, "She's _not _you! Don't twist her like this! Azula is a thousand times more powerful than you, and she will never sink to your depths! You may have tried to convince your children that you're a god, but you're a selfish, sadistic rapist and I will personally ensure that Azula is the kind of mother she wants to be, because I believe in her!"

He is breathless. There is more he wants to scream, but Ozai is smiling. It is pointless. Azula swallows, astounded at her brother's words. She never imagined he cared.

"Well, if I'm just a selfish, sadistic rapist, then why do you two keep coming back to me whenever you have a problem?"

Zuko seizes Azula and walks out of the door, half dragging her, fingers digging into her skin. She does not struggle, still at a loss for words. She certainly did not predict that happening. They walk outside of the prison and Zuko sits down on the stone pathway. His heart still races; he knows he lost his head. He knows he dreams about his father more than he would like, reliving being burned, hearing his own begging echoing through his mind.

"Why did you do that?" Azula demands, suddenly regaining her composure, and quickly developing anger. "I wanted to talk to him."

"He's toxic."

"Stop projecting your problems with father onto _me_. I don't feel the way you do about him. I love him and I want to make things right between us like I have with everyone else in my life," Azula snaps, her eyes ablaze. She has her fingers twisted together, but Zuko can only stare at the ground, looking glassy eyed.

"How can you love him?" Zuko asks feebly. Azula purses her lips. In her past, she would have laughed at Zuko's weakness, but he _did _just stand up for her. Regardless of her wishes, she respects his attempt at nobility and familial compassion.

"Because I always have. For fourteen years, he was the only person who ever cared about me. He may have always been cruel to you, and he may have banished you, but who else did I have? Maybe he showed his love in all the wrong ways, but he loved me and nobody else fucking did. Everybody left me but him," Azula says, glancing around to make sure no one but Zuko hears her weakness. Zuko looks up, suddenly understanding.

"Well, all along the Fire Nation's greatest menace was just a girl who loved her dad," Zuko says, almost sarcastically. Azula wants to burn the condescending look off of his face, but she will not risk her freedom for Zuko.

"I'm going to fix things with father. It's the only way I can start wanting this child."

"Why did you bring me with you if you didn't want me to─"

"I brought you with me because I figured your presence would weaken him enough to get answers out."

"I thought it was to protect you."

"You are _so _stupid. And suggestible. _Oh, ZuZu, protect me_. Of course not! I thought it would work but it didn't." Azula walks away, leaving Zuko behind.

He sighs. She is misguided, and he wishes he could help her.

"I'm so frustrated with her," Zuko exclaims to Mai, who is not reacting at all to his story about what happened in the prison. "So, she is worried about being him to her kid, but she still loves him and wants to make everything work out between them? She ─ I don't even... Mai..."

Silence. Mai thinks it through. She finds it absolutely obvious and normal, but of course Zuko would be baffled by support of Ozai.

"You wanted your father to be proud of you. You loved him after all he did. Of course, yeah, you had some frustrating revelation, but she hasn't."

"She's trying to be good."

"I know. And she thinks that part of that is making amends with your father and getting past that part of her life. If she thinks it interferes with her future parenting, then why do you have a problem with it? She and your father had a completely different relationship than you and your father. They were alone together for years," Mai attempts to explain, but she struggles with it. The truth is, she has always struggled with Azula's motivations; she witnessed so many terrible things Ozai did, and didn't see many others. But that is how she feels, and Azula is stubborn as fuck.

"You're right. I know you're right but I just wish she would realize how terrible he is," Zuko continues, waving his arms wildly. Mai sighs.

"She's never going to. Maybe she has good reasons. We both think she doesn't. Just let her do this and stop letting your feelings get in the way," Mai says and Zuko feels he cannot argue with her. "Not that you ever listen when I tell you to leave Azula alone."

"I will this time," Zuko says, genuinely meaning it.

Maybe he doesn't want Azula to get hurt. And that terrifies him.

Meanwhile, Azula paces in her bedroom. She is not speaking and it concerns Ty Lee.

"Stop being worried about me," Azula abruptly snaps and Ty Lee is startled.

"I didn't say anything," she murmurs, but Azula is not listening.

She is thinking about the obstacle that is Ozai. Perhaps she should be forgiving him, or something like that. All she wants is... she doesn't know what she wants. It is as if she needs his affirmation and that intimidates her. Maybe he hates her and perhaps the amends cannot be made, like she did with so many other people.

But she knows that she will never be able to love her child unless she is able to repair her relationship with her father.

There has to be some way to manipulate this situation. Simply has to.

Ty Lee watches Azula until she feels too dizzy to continue.


	36. birthday

chapter thirty-six: birthday

* * *

_I am your child  
Wherever you go, you take me to  
Whatever I know, I learned from you  
Whatever I do, you taught me to do  
"I Am Your Child" - Barry Manilow_

* * *

"You came on your own?" Ozai asks as Azula walks in, her hand illuminated in vibrant blue. He almost missed the familiar shadows of his daughter's fire.

"Yes." But Azula stands back, away from him. She is skittish, and it amuses him. "I want to fix our relationship. That's what I need."

"It won't make you love your baby," Ozai says and she purses her lips. He examines her closely, trying to figure out how to exploit the situation. "But if you'd like to make some kind of amends, I won't stop you."

Azula slowly walks forward, sitting down by the bars. Her legs do not stretch out, bare, in front of him. Her knees almost touch her chin as she faces him head on. This conversation will be unlike all of the others, Ozai is certain.

"I don't know how to start talking about this," Azula says softly, no longer holding herself haughtily over him. But Ozai knows it is deliberate; she is trying to be nonthreatening on purpose. He wonders why she even tries to manipulate him when he taught her all she knows.

"What would you like to start with? The selfish part, the sadistic part or the rapist part?" Ozai asks sardonically. Azula's expression sours.

"You forgot my fourteenth birthday," Azula says and Ozai stifles laughter. Of all of the things, that is what she cares most about?

"I was occupied with the Avatar, and you knew that." Defensive. So he does care.

"I slept in the dining room because I waited for you all night," Azula says, frowning. She seems strangely hurt by it. "You promised I would go with you during the comet. It wasn't necessarily because it was _my _plan that I care so much. It was because I wanted you to be at my coronation, the most important day of my life. But you were occupied."

"I apologize if I left you feeling _neglected_─"

"Don't make excuses!" Azula snaps and he clamps his mouth shut. "I suppose those are stupid little things. But for some reason, I'm the most angry about those two events. Not the time you pushed me out of a window and told me to save myself with my bending, or you made me practice on broken glass, or practice while violently ill because your weapon was more important than my health. Or almost every night for three years that you forced me to sleep with you and _do things_. You forgot my fucking birthday."

"You're as crazy as they say you are," Ozai responds, his face flushed and his posture livid. Azula does not move, though his comment wounds. "It's such a pathetic thing to be so hung up on. That entire list was pathetic. I did all of those things for your betterment."

"All of those things except my birthday," Azula says sharply. "How could that be explained by showing love but not being good at loving?"

"It can't," Ozai admits and Azula nods. "None of those can. To be honest, they were all for my benefit, not yours."

Azula is silent. For all of these years she was convinced he had her best interests in his mind, and he just showed it in inexplicable ways. She thought he did it all out of love. But now he admits what everyone else told Azula and she refused to believe.

"I'm selfish too. A narcissist. And I'm... I'm going to do all of that. Someday I'm going to forget my kid's birthday." It is so petty, yet Azula seems so passionate about it. Her golden eyes flicker as if she is in abject terror of one day forgetting a day.

Ozai does not respond for a long while. Azula simply sits there patiently. He realizes she is not going to leave until she has what she wants. _Ugh_.

"I heard the resistance tortured you," Ozai says, trying to change the subject. Azula weighs her options, and figures playing along with him will make his lips loosen.

"Not very effectively. They couldn't afford to do much to me. I'm still their icon." Pause. "You told people about what happened at the Boiling Rock."

"Forgive me for _embarrassing _you. It was an embarrassment. I told you not to come back until Zuko was dead, and instead you returned sobbing about your little _girlfriend_. I should've done worse to you than what I did," Ozai replies sharply, digging words into her like a knife. He can feel it twist in her chest as she bites down on her lip. But she shows no expression, no emotion.

Azula chews on her lip for a moment. Ozai watches it in a way that makes her want to burn his other eye. But she will succeed at this negotiation, and violence will not help her.

"I don't know why I love you." Silence.

"I wasn't aware that you did anymore. After burning me and agreeing to be _second _to your brother," Ozai says, though his derision is forced. Azula does not show the pleasure that she feels when she watches him falter. She starts bringing down his walls like she brought down those of Ba Sing Se.

"Does that mean my child will love me?"

"Probably," he replies coldly, though something inside of him wanted to console her. "Is your life under Zuko and the circus freak's thumb less pleasant than you imagine?"

"I'm happy and I'm sad. I don't really know how that can be. But I'm happy and I'm sad," Azula explains with a cavalier shrug, surprising her father with her honesty. He examines her closely.

"I'm sorry I forgot your birthday." It is... genuine. Neither of them expected that.

"Did you ever see me as more than an object?" Azula asks, studying him closely. She looks for anything that could reveal he is being deceitful. She will not let him lie to her or use her ever again.

"You were my daughter, and I loved you. I used you. And I suppose I hurt you more than Zuko or your mother. But I always did love you," Ozai says. Azula stares at him, her eyes boring into his soul. He was honest. Mostly because he knew she could see right through it if he lied.

"That's all I needed to know." Azula stands up. She wants to demand more apologies, but that was the one thing she cared about. Her fourteenth birthday.

She walks away.

[X]

_Six years ago, Azula tries to distract herself. It is the day after her birthday, and she does not know why she is so miserable. The Avatar has been found, which means the Fire Nation will have him eventually. She should be happy for her nation but she is only miserable for herself._

_Well, of course I'm selfish, but the Fire Lord needs to think of her people first._

_She is sitting, leaning against her window. She will be exhausted tomorrow during training and lessons, but she does not care. Am I that pitiful? Am I? That I care about a birthday?_

_Why would she expect her father to remember her birthday? He has always had more important things to do than be involved in her life. She finds herself incredibly foolish and weak for being so devastated._

_The doorknob twists, but her door is locked. It is the small rebellions that she hates herself for. Acts of defiance that can easily be covered by lies. A knocking. Azula slowly gets up and opens the door, revealing her father._

_"Is there a reason you locked yourself in your room?" he demands, eyes flickering. He shuts the door behind him, and, as hypocritical as any parent in history, locks it._

_"I'm just still... it's stupid," Azula says, sitting back down on the windowsill. Slowly, Ozai sits on the bed across from her._

_"You're clearly upset about your birthday yesterday," he says and Azula nods. "It was a mistake. I meant no disrespect, of course."_

_"I'm going to be Fire Lord someday; the nation comes before my personal happiness," Azula says, her words surprisingly not sounding rehearsed or dry. Ozai believes her._

_"You'll be an excellent Fire Lord someday," he says and Azula allows herself to believe it. "I brought you a gift. I remembered that."_

Your assistants remembered that_, Azula thinks snidely. But Azula offers a smile of goodwill. He gestures to the vanity table and Azula walks to it, sitting down in front of the mirror hesitantly. This is unlike him. She glances at the music box on the dresser ─ last year's gift. It is collecting dust. He gave it to her casually, at the dinner he promised to have with her._

_He withdraws a golden necklace from his pocket and drapes it in front of her neck. It is clearly incredibly expensive, and Azula does find it pretty. Jewelry is not practical for her, but she supposes she appreciates the sentiment._

_It tightens around her neck momentarily, a deliberate motion by Ozai. Her eyes flash wide momentarily as the pendant presses tightly against her neck, but he loosens it immediately after garnering her reaction of shock, and clasps it on her._

_"Do you like it?" he inquires, though he knows she will say yes._

_"It's beautiful." Not a lie; not an answer to his question._

_He moves towards the door and she is stunned. Perhaps he actually regrets missing her birthday, and tonight he will leave her alone._

_"A kiss goodnight?" he inquires, though he is not asking._

_And Azula really thought he was sorry._

[X]

"It didn't work," Azula says softly the night after visiting her father. Ty Lee looks up, half asleep. She squints in the darkness and it is disgustingly cute to Princess Azula. "He apologized. And he meant it. He told me that he did care about me, even if he didn't regret what he did. He wasn't lying to me. And I still feel... wrong."

"Some cuts are too deep to heal that easily," Ty Lee whispers. Azula closes her eyes. "It must have helped, though. I know it did."

"I think I forgive him." Silence. "I don't know if I'm ever going to be able to love this child but I forgive him. That... has to mean something, right?"

"It means you're moving forward. He can't control you anymore," Ty Lee says, brushing Azula's bangs out of her face.

Azula knows he controlled her even after he was out of her life.

Her memories, her scars, her cuts: they haunted her incessantly.

And it's one tiny step, because sometimes she still feels him suffocating her.

But it is a step forward.

[X]

"So you're back so soon?" Ozai asks, watching the room turn blue. "Are we going to drink tea and reminisce, little princess?"

"It would be in your best interest to be kind to me. There aren't any guards to pull me away this time," Azula says, sitting down. She leans against the wall, legs outstretched, against the bars like she used to. It is a threat; not an invitation.

"You wouldn't have killed me," he says with a smug smile, although he is uncertain.

"I would've done worse than scar you," Azula says with a small shrug. "Your apology was the kindest thing you've ever done. But there's more to sort out."

"You're not going to leave this alone, are you? What I did to you will never heal. When you look at your child, you'll see what Zuko does when he looks in a mirror. Just like you feel when you sleep with the circus freak," Ozai says and Azula is taken aback. She did not expect him to be so _astute_, nor so _unrepentant_.

"Maybe it will; maybe it won't. I'm going to try," Azula says, her voice quavering slightly. She is frustrated at herself and it shows against her will. "I remember the first night you slept with me. It was the same day that you first told me you were proud of me. I was thrilled to see you. I thought maybe things were working out well after Zuko left and my life became a series of restrictions."

"I prepared you for the throne. Don't call it a series of _restrictions_. There were important things to be done." He has a point. Azula did always chalk it up to that.

"Justifiable, I suppose. Less justifiable than most of the things you did." Silence. "Do you remember when I beat you at a spar?"

"Distinctly. It was a final test before you were to kill Zuko. Unfortunately, you were able to defeat me, but not your pathetic brother and his Water Tribe friend," Ozai says. Azula shrugs.

"I used to be distressed about that. But I've come to realize that it could have been worse."

"You could have followed him." Ozai shrugs and Azula does not give him any response. She is hardened; treating this as a negotiation and not a heart to heart. A cold, calculated foe that Ozai would not want to face off against.

"I made a series of mistakes in my pursuit for Zuko. He was a short ride away from me after our first encounter. I could have turned around and killed already wounded Uncle and brought Zuko back in chains. Instead I pursued a fantasy relentlessly until you called me back to head the drill project. I, of course, left that part out. Isn't honesty fun? Your turn."

"I didn't agree to a game, little princess." Ozai cocks an eyebrow.

"I _said _your turn. Why did you do it? Be honest; I was honest with you." Azula's eyes glow like resurging embers.

"You're going to have to be more specific." But he knows what she means. "You know what I see in your eyes."

"What?" Azula asks, fizzling out the flame in her palm. They are left in utter darkness.

"Dread. It's different than fear. I can't imagine you feeling fear, Azula. But _dread_. You have an awful lot of that. And with dread comes resentment." Silence. "Your child fills you with dread, and you will resent it."

"I don't resent you."

"You're a liar."

"I know." Azula laughs a mirthless cackle and Ozai reassesses his plan.

"Dread is how I would feel your heart speed up when I was touching you. Pulse racing even though you tried to hide it. And resentment drove you into the arms of someone incredibly wrong for you, simply because she was the absolute opposite of me."

"That's not why I love her."

"Name a few reasons."

Azula is silent. "You don't need a million reasons to love someone. It's the blind faith of walking into a lightning storm with a metal pole and hoping you don't get hit. But you didn't answer my question. I promise that I'll answer one of yours in exchange."

Silence. She can sense him weighing odds in exactly the same way she does. Cold. Calculated. Like lightning.

"Control. I did it to control you," Ozai says. Azula does not know if she should be pleased or angry. "I did a lot of things to control you."

"They were quite successful."

Azula lights the fire again. Ozai is momentarily blinded by the light. All he could see was cerulean and it reminded him of his nightmares. He wonders if his children have them every night as well, but he would never dare to admit that he is a haunted man.

"I'm not sorry," Ozai states. Honesty. Fuck. "I loved every second of it and I'm not sorry."

"You were sorry you forgot my birthday."

"I am. But I'm not sorry for fucking you."

"I did ask for the honest answer, not the answer that would leave me feeling good inside once I heard it," Azula says airily, sounding collected and calm. Ozai is startled, it was previously so easy to unnerve her.

"You won't do that to your kid," Ozai says, surprising Azula. "You won't try to control it. You were a victim of circumstances. I doubt the same ones will afflict you. Oh, believe me you will destroy everything you love. But I don't think you'll force your child to firebend for hours, or not let them eat for days, or rape them."

"So what were your extenuating circumstances?" Azula asks, not making eye contact.

"It was a hard several years for our family," Ozai says. "Wasn't it?"

"I like to have control," Azula says, sounding uncertain. Ozai almost finds it cute.

"You like to have control because you _were _controlled."

"Is it hereditary? Nature or nurture? Being like us," Azula asks and Ozai contemplates it for a moment.

"It could easily go either way. You were born for a purpose."

"I'm well aware. You hammered that into my head," Azula says, thinking of all of the times he told her about it. Usually he followed up with how well she served the purpose. "I'm trying to redefine that."

"Maybe you can be happy without the throne. You're doing surprisingly well for the monster I made you into. It's like there's a shred of humanity left," Ozai remarks, as if commenting on the weather. Azula does not know what to say. "Do you still wake up at dawn to train as if there is some great battle coming that never will?"

"No," Azula lies. And Ozai can tell. He was the only one who could ever tell she was lying; save for when she told him exactly what he wanted to hear.

"Unlearning is much harder than learning for you, isn't it?"

Azula shrugs. The flames dance with her motions.

"You try to fill that gap in your being with something. That baby won't do it for you. Neither will your darling wife. Zuko can't. Nobody can. You're just going to have to get used to feeling empty."

"Emptiness is an acquired taste," Azula says, faintly smirking. "I don't mind it too much anymore. Maybe it'll go away."

"I find that doubtful," Ozai says and his daughter shrugs. She stares directly into her fire, the lights dancing on strangely hollow eyes.

"Did you make me suffer for Zuko's failings to make me hate him or because it made you nervous?" Azula asks, changing the subject. Ozai finds it more uncomfortable than the last, but he will play her game. It disturbs him to the core, but he genuinely wants to give her answers. They will help her down a path he does not want to see her walk... but something within him compels him to give her this.

"I never needed you to hate him. Your motivation was good enough. Zuko's antics after he discovered the Avatar made me _incredibly _nervous. And so I worked you harder," Ozai admits and sees her expression change ever so slightly. She has been actively suppressing displays of emotion during their conversation, and he made her lips move.

"Until I fainted or vomited."

"I didn't like it. I just knew it was my best option."

"It made me strong. Even if it was wrong of you. It made me strong."

Ozai smiles and Azula does not know why.

"You always were cleverer than your brother," Ozai remarks with a small smirk of victory.

[X]

"Why did you go see him again?" Ty Lee demands shrilly as Azula saunters into their bedroom.

"Who told you I was with my father?" Azula retorts bitterly and Ty Lee sits up swiftly, squinting.

"You walk a certain way when you've been with him. Like you're trying to make yourself very small. Usually, you walk like you're trying to scare away a huge predator," Ty Lee replies and Azula is yet again surprised by her perception. Someone thoughtless and fearless can see things so well.

"I half expected it to be something about vibrations," Azula purrs, shutting the door. Memory. She locks it, like she did when she was young and wanted to rebel. But at the first knock she would answer it, and have a lie for why she did. Ludicrous. She was _weak_ and he thought she was _strong_.

They kiss. Azula sinks into the passion of the moment, digging fingernails into her wife. Tongues intertwine as legs interlock. Forceful, against each other, moans; it's loud and the sound of pleasure drowns out the echoing words of Azula's conversation with her father.

Azula sinks her teeth into Ty Lee's lips, biting a little too hard and causing her wife to pull away. She does not apologize. They tumble backwards, Azula finding herself beneath another. It perturbs her momentarily, but the sensation of her bride is vastly different than the sensation of her father.

Toes curl. Azula forgets for a while about her desperation to break down her father's walls and get her life back. All she can do is gasp and moan.

When they finish, Azula falls asleep, dangling halfway off of the side of the bed. Ty Lee considers adjusting her so she does not fall, but her expression does not look pained in her sleep as it usually does, so she just lies down by her and drifts off as well.

In the morning, Azula leaves Ty Lee in bed and heads to breakfast.

"Why did you go back?" shouts Zuko from the breakfast table. Mai cringes and Ursa looks confused.

"Back where?" Ursa inquires, looking worried.

"Wouldn't you like to know." Azula violently tears out a chair and sits down. The creak of the wooden legs echoes through the silent room. "I'm not _finished_. I got him to apologize for one little thing. But I _will _break him."

"Who?" But Ursa knows.

"I don't know what you expect," Zuko says, clenching his fist. "He isn't going to break down and cry and try to right his wrongs."

"No, it's not about that anymore. It's about revenge." The room becomes significantly more uncomfortable.

"You know, last time you got revenge, things didn't go so well," Mai says and receives such a vicious glance from Azula that she takes a long sip of broiling hot tea. It burns her mouth but she does not express her pain.

"I'm going back today and I'm not going to leave until I make progress," Azula says, sounding far calmer. Something inside of Zuko growls like an angry dragon.

"What do you want from him? If you don't know what you want, you're just going to screw yourself," Zuko says and Azula has to admit he is right. She is not thinking this through as carefully as she should be.

"I know what I want and that's none of your business," she lies, but makes a mental note to come up with a goal.

Her goal hits her when she is halfway to the prison. She takes a key from the guard, who looks nervous, and walks inside. Ozai was waiting for the room to light in blue, though the fire is slightly overshadowed by the light from the small window. Usually, Azula only visits in the dead of the night, when she is haunted by nightmares.

"You're here in the middle of the day. And _without _Zuko. Not occupied with more important things?" Ozai looks at her, trying to figure her out. She looks... different, but he cannot place how.

"I want to give you something, father," Azula says, standing close to the bars. He moves to match her, but decides against it. "I don't want it anymore."

"And what would that be?" He looks her up and down and sees that she isn't holding anything. Her short, taut dress has no pockets.

"Twenty years of pain. I will _make you feel it_," Azula says and Ozai laughs hysterically. He finds it oddly adorable. "You think I'm kidding, father? Zuko told me I had to come up with a purpose for visiting you. I originally thought something along the lines of us gaining such sweet redemption together. But the more I thought about it, the more I realized that I just wanted to give my pain to you and let _you _live with it, instead of me."

"So, you'll torture me? Drive nails into me and burn more of me irreparably? It may make you feel good, but a few sessions of physical pain can't make up for everything that haunts you."

"I know that," Azula says, sliding down. The bars turn briefly red as her hands go over them. She kneels, facing him eye to eye. His are still marked from the burns she inflicted. And hers are alit with a fervor he has no seen in a long time. "I don't know how I'll do it yet. But that is my goal. Twenty years of pain. All for you. Consider it a long overdue gift. Certainly better than jewelry, don't you think?"

The silence is deafening. Azula adjusts her position; while perched on her knees was intimidated, the child within her does not take to it kindly. Ozai watches her hand rest on the bump, like any mother's would. But, for some reason, she does not deem herself worthy of it. He wishes he could guide her through it, but Azula does not work that way. She never did.

"You want catharsis," Ozai says and Azula purses her lips. "And you thought you had that when you burned me and outright said what I did. I thought so to; I assumed that's why you didn't return after your failed coup. But you don't have it. Tell me, little princess, what changed that violence can't solve for you? Why didn't burning me transfer your pain to me?"

Azula has thought about what he proposes many times before.

"You haven't lost your edge locked up in here, have you?" is all Azula responds with. So he struck a nerve.

"I know you. Better than you know yourself," Ozai says, and Azula knows he is right. It offends her to the _soul _to know he is right. "But I am surprised that burning me didn't offer catharsis. It was pain for pain."

"Well, there's something you don't understand," Azula says softly. "We have very different kinds of scars."

Silence. Ozai contemplates her words. He supposes that she has a point.

Meanwhile, Ty Lee is with Mai.

"She's with her father. I'm so... _ugh_," Ty Lee says, jumping out of her seat so quickly that it startles her sullen, tea-sipping friend. "I just don't understand! He only upsets her!"

"Sometimes I think their parents deliberately tried to traumatize them," Mai says honestly, thinking of her own problems with Zuko. "Our spouses are both totally fucked up, entirely because of their parents."

Ty Lee knows she is right. "What does Zuko do?"

"Absolutely nothing. At least she's _trying _to cope for the sake of her child. Zuko's mommy and daddy issues totally screw his interactions with Izumi," Mai explains calmly and dryly and Ty Lee is startled. She never imagined it could be so bad for Zuko. He always seemed so unaffected by his issues with Ozai and Ursa, but when she thinks about Izumi, the slow realization comes over her.

"I don't know why Zuko is letting her see him anyway!' Ty Lee continues, not wanting to comment on Zuko's faults as a father.

"He wants her to get over their father as much as he wants to get over it," Mai explains dryly, already frustrated with the conversation.

"Zuko needs to stop being so fucking noble. It's only going to upset her," Ty Lee says, tugging at her hair and pacing more quickly. Mai could not agree more but she also knows that she must console Ty Lee somehow.

"I'm sure it will work out. You've been prodding her to figure out her problems with her parents. Maybe we can get Zuko in on this too, and try to fix his daddy issues," Mai suggests, touching Ty Lee hesitantly.

Ty Lee pouts.

"Maybe," is all Ty Lee says.

And Mai decides to try to help Zuko solve his problems with Former Fire Lord Ozai, and maybe stop Azula from going crazy. She is becoming an overachiever and it disgusts her.

"If I thought you were a bad father I would have just killed you and taken the throne," Azula says earnestly in Capitol Prison. She has dedicated her entire soul to ripping her father's heart from his chest. It is not going as well as she intended it to.

"And I was certain Zuko was getting to you." He is rather pleased with this development.

"You really hurt me. But, on the other hand, you made me all I am. And, honestly, I _do _love myself, and my power and all I am. I attribute my success to you, along with the trauma and pain I endured at your hands," Azula says, and opens her mouth to say more before stopping. She touches at her abdomen oddly, atop the bump that protrudes almost as much as her bones. He hates how weak her body looks, but her eyes still have the strength of a dragon.

"Are you alright?" Genuine concern. Azula is stunned.

"It's moving," Azula says softly. She never became familiar with the motions of the baby growing inside of her. Good days or bad days, it always feels weird. "Would you like to feel it?" Hesitant. Hopefully this can go well. It seems strange to _invite _her father to touch her.

Ozai reaches his hand through the bars and rests it on her stomach. He finds the baby with relative ease; he has had two of them, after all. The unborn child moves and he can feel it against him. Paternal sensation, he supposes. And Azula moves away as soon as Azulon or Azusami settles.

"The baby keeps me up at night moving so much. It's like it decides to wake up when I want to go to sleep," Azula remarks, trying to diffuse the discomfort of the situation. But the touch of her father did not feel negative, as much as it made her heart race. It is how relatives are _supposed _to touch each other.

"That's how it works," Ozai replies and Azula swallows. She does not know how to respond. "You're not ever going to get better. I hope you know that."

"I do."

"But giving me your pain is not going to help," Ozai continues and Azula hates how right he is. "And I don't think it's possible either."

Silence. "We aren't very _empathetic_, are we?" she says and her father laughs.

"No." Pause. "I love you, Azula, I hope you know that."

"That love should have been free." And Ozai knows she is right.

She leaves wordlessly, needing to come up with a new plan to attack her father and gain what she is desperately seeking. But what _is it_ that she is desperately seeking?

Azula tosses and turns all night, thinking about how deep the scars go. Her lack of ability to trust anyone, the own flaws in her relationship. Her terror at being a mother because how could she _not _impart what her father did to her onto the child. The fact that when she looked for people to blame, as she always does, for once, it was herself, because it couldn't be his fault.

He looked her in the eye and told her he _loved _her today. She knew he was not lying, but she still felt queasy. Because the torment he put her through cannot be mended by simply acknowledging that he cares about her.

_"If you don't want to practice bending, little princess, I'll break your hands and you will never bend again," father says as Azula whines. She is twelve and she does not want to train because she does not feel good._

_And she obeys him, and goes and practices until she vomits because she knows it was not an empty threat._

She wonders why she loves him. How it could even be possible after all he did.

Why she goes back to him in that prison when she forgot about him for years.

It is unfinished business. But she does not think there is any bouncing back from that. She is able to overcome so much, but it is easier to close her eyes and live in the denial she lived in for years.

_Agni_, she misses denial. To simply say, _"I don't know what you're talking about," _or, _"He does it because he loves me." _Perhaps, instead of admitting her father wanted to obsessively control her at all costs, to the point of sacrificing her sanity and safety, he just saw her potential and was helping her blossom. That him slipping into her bed was about giving him pleasure and not causing her pain.

[X]

"Azula, please stop," Ty Lee groans as Azula knees in her in the gut when she is hit by a particularly painful memory of her father slapping her to the floor when she told him he was wrong. "Are you having nightmares?"

"Something like that," Azula murmurs, lying still.

"Maybe you should talk to Zuko," Ty Lee suggests and Azula sits up. "I was talking to Mai about how to help fix─"

"_Stop_ interfering. It's a little patronizing that you think you can just _fix _me. I'm perfectly fine. I like being this way," Azula snaps, leaping up. She seizes the blankets, whipping them off of her wife. She grabs one of the multitude of pillows, Ty Lee lying half naked and exposed. "It's none of your business what happened when I was young. I'm in control now. My father is not in control of me and you're not allowed to be either!"

"Azula, I love you and I want you to get better," Ty Lee says slowly, sitting up and carefully moving towards Azula.

"_You _have no idea!" Azula snaps. Her hands are hot. "Maybe I liked it. You _don't know_. You're just some histrionic whore with a dependent personality who thinks she can make me into the perfect dream girl. Well, guess what, _fuck you_!"

And Azula is gone, walking to the opposite side of the palace, by Zuko's room, and lying down on the sofa. Ty Lee should be the one camping out for the night in this disgusting palace that is only the symbol of her failure. Failure. Failure. Weakness. Failure.

She does not sleep until the sun pokes up over the horizon.

"You were right, Azula."

Azula jolts awake, heart racing. "Wha-what's happening?" She squints and sees Ty Lee hovering over her.

"I was super angry about your outburst. But pushing you is not going to help anything. I've taken it on myself to be in charge of your redemption but..." Ty Lee trails off and shrugs. "I do love you for who you are. And if you... it's your choice. I shouldn't be forcing you into anything."

Azula does not know how to react. She simply sits up and tries to wake herself fully. The sun is still high; she clearly had very little sleep. Azulon or Azusami is restless within her.

"Good," is all Azula manages to say, and she walks to her bedroom to find some way to make herself look presentable.

Zuko is drinking Earl Grey and preparing for a long day when he is met by hysterical wailing.

"Where's Mai?" sobs Ty Lee melodramatically. Zuko swallows his mouthful of tea, eyes wide.

"She's on the other side of the Fire Nation with her cousins for the─"

"Azula hates me and my marriage is over!" Ty Lee yowls and Zuko knows he is in a sticky situation. She throws herself at the table and sits beside him, her face squished against the wood. Zuko plucks a few strands of her hair out of his tea.

"I'm sure she doesn't hate you..." Zuko attempts and Ty Lee simply sobs. "What happened?" _This is terrible._

"I tried to change her!"

"No one is blaming you for─"

"Why can't I just let her be herself?"

"Because herself is terrible."

"You don't understand!"

"No, I... I really don't."

"Why am I so controlling and needy?"

"You're, uh, not controlling and─"

"What if she leaves me? Why am I so terrible? I should just kill myself!"

"Please don't."

"You were horribly traumatized as a child! Help me understand!"

"I don't think it's that simp─"

"I'm going for a walk!"

And Ty Lee runs away crying, leaving a very confused Zuko behind. He hopes he somehow helped, but he does not know how he could have.

Ty Lee walks all the way to the Capitol Prison. She stopped crying halfway through and bought herself a bag of fire gummies and a useless headband and now she is ready to take some initiative. The shopping has resolved some of her anger, but she is about to confront someone she never once interacted with, but is responsible for everything wrong with what should be a blissful marriage.

"I'm here to see my father-in-law," Ty Lee says to the guards, and one of them nods and starts guiding her down the winding paths. It is gross and grungy here, and she is reminded of the five nights she spent sleeping beside Azula, with bars jutting up between them. She remained on the floor outside of Azula's prison cell without leaving for the entirety of Iroh's journey to the Fire Nation.

The last time she was in this cell was the first time Azula visited her father after his downfall. When she remembers it, she still feels chilled. The way he treated his daughter when he believed she no longer was of use to him was disturbing. Shrugging off her anxieties, Ty Lee walks inside.

"I think you're the last person I was expecting," Ozai growls, looking at her with disdain.

He never thought the girl who ruined his daughter would have the gall to show her face. But she seems to _want _something. People only ever come here when they want something from him. As if, after his downfall, he has anything to give.

"You broke my wife."

"She was mine to do what I wanted with. I made her. I owned her."

And Ty Lee tells Ozai exactly what she thinks of him.

Her anger is eased, although he responds to her tongue lashing with laughter. She leaves him, crying, and goes to find Mai to try to find another solution to her plan.

She will cure her true love if it is the last thing she does.

[X]

"Well this is a nice dinner," Ty Lee remarks, as no one else is saying anything. It is the first time the entire family has eaten together in some time. They tried to do so, but Zuko would drone, and Azula would correct him, then everyone would fight, and eventually, Azula and Ty Lee started taking their food to the opposite side of the palace and they would eat together.

But they are with their family now. And everyone is together. Together because Mai and Ty Lee have a little something up their sleeve.

"Zuko, what's your most traumatic childhood memory?" Mai asks abruptly at dinner. Ty Lee nods feverishly and Azula purses her lips. They've planned something.

"This isn't really a topic for dinner..." Ursa mutters, but no one will listen to her.

"Probably getting my face burned. Other than that, my father telling me I was responsible for my mother's death," Zuko offers, holding out one hand. Azula disapproves of how casually he tosses around trauma. These things make him wake, screaming, make him unable to trust his wife. And he acts like they are a joke.

"Why are you two so interested in this, anyway?" Azula demands, looking Ty Lee directly in the eyes. If that does not make her confess, Azula does not know what will.

"Just come on, Azula, open up," Ty Lee stammers, averting her eyes.

"Alright, my most traumatic childhood memory was walking in on my father cheating on my mother when I was six," Azula says calmly, stunning everyone. Ty Lee did not expect Azula would say anything. Mai was sure she would burn the table to ashes before she confided a secret in her family. They were both wrong, and both exchange an astounded glance.

"With who?" Zuko asks, almost hoping Azula is lying. But she has a haunted look in her eyes that assures him that it is true. Ty Lee looks at Ursa and sees that she seems to be aware that her husband slept with more women than her.

"Some servant girl. He had her bent over a desk." She seems to take great pleasure in the expressions of her family. Azula _did _always like to use words to watch people squirm. But she is being honest as she recites the event engrained in her mind that she told no one. "She looked _terrified_. I found it funny, years later once I actually understood what was going on."

Ursa stares at her food, queasy. Her appetite is now absent. There is something in Zuko's eyes that she does not understand. Ty Lee's fingers twitch to Azula's, but she knows better than to offer her bride pity.

"He tried to explain it to me. Pathetically," Azula says with a small shrug. "It was scary, at least. I mean... she was crying and all."

Silence. Azula smirks to herself and is the only one to continue eating.

After dinner, Zuko wraps his arm around his sister and guides her away from Mai and Ty Lee. She figures he is just trying to abet them.

"Azula, can I tell you a secret?" Zuko asks quietly. He secluded her to a little used sector of the palace, and she realized it was so they could avoid their wives. It only hurts when she laughs.

"Is it about your limitless childhood trauma? Did I conjure some repressed memories?" Azula asks scathingly, though she is genuinely interested. They recline and try to act like this is a normal conversation.

"When I was thirteen, that was the first time I had sex," Zuko says, already feeling uncomfortable. Azula sticks her tongue out and rolls her eyes. "I'm getting to the trauma part. It's not much compared to you─"

"I don't need pity!" Azula snaps with the ferocity of a tiger-monkey.

"It's not... just never mind that." Zuko rubs his neck uncomfortably. He did not mean to trigger anything with her; the entire situation with she and father makes him nervous and disgusted.

"Is this going to be boring?" Azula asks icily, watching her brother get flustered. She realizes that they have never openly discussed any of their father's actions before. In fact, they do not speak very often unless one requires something from the other.

And Zuko notices that she gets significantly more snarky when they discuss Fire Lord Ozai. Zuko discovered that it is because he makes Azula feel _small_, and so she feels the need to bite. The madness Ozai spawned is both nature and nurture.

"You know, he made us crazy," Zuko says, almost backing out of his story. Azula shrugs.

"_Flat fucking crazy_, those royal siblings. You learn to embrace it," she says with a small laugh. "Now, you're going to tell me how you lost your virginity?"

"He used a slave to initiate my sexuality. That's how it was phrased to me, at least," Zuko says and Azula is sudden listening. It sounds deliciously disturbing and frustratingly sexist and old fashioned. "It was terrifying."

"Did you do it?" is all Azula asks, as if she takes pleasure in what still unnerves him to this day. "Was it _good_?"

He should not have told her. Of course she would only mock him. Little does he know, it makes a difference to Azula in a way she cannot explain. She imagined him as getting off easy with a scar and a three year vacation from the palace. Maybe he did not.

"I don't know. I really don't know."

And Azula shrugs.

He imagined telling his deepest secret to be more _climactic_.

[X]

"This is the last time I'm coming until my baby is born," Azula says as Ozai's cell is illuminated in cerulean. He simply nods.

"I'd like to meet my grandchild," he says, considering the request in vain.

"Of course you will," Azula replies, as if it were a matter-of-fact. He is startled, pleasantly surprised. It baffles him that she can still love him after choosing the circus freak and her soft brother over him. After she screamed about how much pain he put her through, she still considers him her loving father.

"This looks like it will take a while," he says as she slowly settles in. He catches her arm as she teeters. The weight imbalance must be frustrating for the groomed firebender, her small, retracted body and the protruding baby bump of eight months of pregnancy.

"I don't want to give you my pain." Silence. "I want to describe it to you."

Ozai feels a chill within him he is loath to admit.

She stays the entire night, giving him every vivid detail.

And leaves without even asking if he feels remorse.

All he knows is he does not sleep for two weeks.

[X]

Azula wakes to the sound of screaming and explosions. It is certainly not the best way to start off a morning. Ty Lee leaps up and gets dressed at the speed of light as Azula sees the city in the distance raze in flame. The Princess snaps into motion, quickly dressing herself and tying her hair into a sloppily done top-knot. She starts running, her wife beside her. The baby takes the liberty of weighing her down as she tries to get to the foyer of the palace.

Zuko and Mai are already there, surrounded by a sea of soldiers.

"What's happening?" Azula demands, grabbing her brother and steadying herself.

"A riot." His eyes are glassy and Azula wants to slap him senseless. "This is your fault. Pissing off the resistance and killing all of those guys. Now we're all going to _die_."

"They're coming towards the palace," Azula says, squinting through the window and ignoring her brother's accusations. Zuko still stands motionless, paralyzed by fear. "Come on. Move to the back rooms and then we'll take them out as they come. I'm _assuming _you sent a messenger hawk to the Avatar?"

Azula grabs Ty Lee by the arm and starts enacting her words. Mai quickly follows, tugging on Zuko. The shuffling of metal boots accompanies them as they dash through the halls. Azula leans against a wall, gasping for breath as she orders the soldiers to perform various fortifications. Mai has perched herself on a window and is nailing rebels with knives and arrows. Impressive.

Ty Lee bounces around like a lunatic, unsure what she should be doing.

"We're going to make it through this. It's just the resistance," Azula says, grabbing Ty Lee's arm. "The Avatar is coming. And, well, we're all competent with the exception of Zuko."

"I'll defend Zuko," Mai says, seizing her husband by the arm. "Ty Lee, defend Azula."

"Izumi!" Zuko screams and Mai grabs him by the face. His eyes bulge.

"Izumi is fine. She's with your mother in Azula and Ty Lee's room. Now we're all going to get into a defensible position and─" Mai is cut off by Azula shrieking in surprise. She glances around for an assailant and finds nothing but a panicked looking on Azula's face.

"I'm fine," Azula says hurriedly and it is an unimpressive lie.

"So help me, Azula, if you have your baby right now..." Mai does not even need to finish her sentence.

Because Azula is standing in a puddle.


	37. time

chapter thirty-seven: time

* * *

"_Time passes. Even when it seems impossible. Even when each tick of the second hand aches like the pulse of blood behind a bruise. It passes unevenly, in strange lurches and dragging lulls, but pass it does. Even for me." - New Moon, Stephenie Meyer_

* * *

"Mother!" shouts Zuko's desperate voice and Ursa nearly drops her granddaughter. She quickly catches Izumi in her arms and tries to focus on the task of protecting the crown princess.

"Shut up, Zuko!" screams Azula in an urgent tone Ursa has never heard in her voice.

The city burns as her children are tumbling down the hall at her. Zuko is half dragging Azula by the arm, their wives in front of them, Mai with blades drawn and Ty Lee fists clenched. Ursa's heart starts to speed up as she sees Azula's facial expression and realizes this will be the most untimely birth in Fire Nation history. It _has to be_.

"Mai told me to watch─" Ursa begins but Zuko interrupts.

"Azula's having her─" Zuko shouts.

"It's not coming out unless _I say _it's coming─" Azula snarls but Zuko shouts again.

"Azula, stop talking and─" Zuko exclaims.

"Azula's having her baby?" Ursa interrupts and the siblings are silenced as if they are children again. Azula has one eyebrow nearly touching her bangs as her expression seems both pained and challenging. Zuko's eyes are wide and lips parted, his heart beating nearly through his chest.

An explosion goes off within the city, rattling the walls of the palace. Azula chokes on her own saliva. This is not a good day in the slightest. She feels a surge of panic coursing through her as her mother sets down Izumi and takes Azula by the arm.

"Unhand me─" Azula begins, but Ursa pushes her onto her back on the bed. Azula inhales sharply and angrily; her mother has no right. But Ursa is simply trying to save her daughter and her second grandchild, regardless of Azula's anger.

"Tell me how far apart your contractions are," Ursa says and Azula grits her teeth. Her eyes keep flickering towards the door and Zuko is already recalling how terrifying Izumi's birth was.

A crash echoes down the hall and Mai grabs Zuko.

"We _have _to go."

"You can't just leave me with my mother!" Azula shrieks and Ursa swallows her words.

"We'll come back for you as soon as the Avatar gets here. Zuko, Ty Lee, let's go," Mai says and she and Zuko head into the hall.

Ty Lee pauses, her lips pursed. "I have to make sure they don't die, Azula. I'll be back as soon as I can."

And before Azula can protest, Ty Lee follows the others. Ursa and Azula are left alone together, Azula in seven kinds of pain and confused by what is happening to her body despite what doulas have been explaining to her. Ty Lee truly should have mothered this child, and as Azula digs her sharp fingernails into her own mother's skin, she thinks that Ty Lee fucking Zuko is preferable to this.

"Azula that hur..." Ursa doesn't finish the words because her daughter's eyes bulge not in _anger _but in _fear_.

"I am... kind of nervous, mother," Azula says very slowly, nails going deeper in her mother's skin. Ursa breathes in sharply through her teeth. "You've done this twice, what am I supposed to do?"

There is a painful silence.

"I'm not going to leave you, Azula." Ursa feels like she should have said something better, or more helpful, or more _significant_, but it seems to work.

"You better not." Azula tries to overcompensate. "Not again."

Ursa does not argue.

"I'm _never _leaving you again," Ursa says and Azula digs her nails deeper.

It takes two hours for Aang to show up with Appa and Katara. They rush through the motions of making it to the palace, where they find Zuko, Ty Lee and Mai in the middle of a fight. Mai is wielding Zuko's swords, hacking and slashing. Ty Lee is crying between punches, and Zuko is dripping sweat from the heat of his own flames.

"Took you two long enough," Mai snaps as she slashes open the neck of an assailant. Blood splatters out like a smashed orange.

"How many people did you piss off?" Katara demands bitterly as she freezes a man in ice. _Only Zuko could conjure the Fire Nation into a complete revolution of anger and explosions._

"Take over for Ty Lee, Katara," Mai says, not dignifying that question with a response. "She probably should be with Azula."

"Yeah, where's Princess Trustworthy now, huh?" Katara snarls and Aang is surprised at her anger. Katara is simply grateful that _greatly exaggerated _news of the waterbender's _lesbian promiscuity _did not reach her husband.

"_Having a baby_," Mai replies sharply. Katara is silenced with one look.

"I want to meet the baby," Aang says blithely as Ty Lee starts running down the hall. "I mean, after I save the Fire Nation, of course."

"What kind of baby is it?" Ty Lee exclaims frantically as she hears crying.

"A... human?" comes Azula's shaking voice.

Ursa laughs. Azula cannot remember the last time she heard her mother laugh. Has she _ever _heard her mother laugh?

"It's a girl," Ursa says, gesturing to the baby in her arms. Azula is sitting on a chair, in a robe, looking half traumatized. Ty Lee is not sure who she should go to first, but she is saved by Mai walking in and sitting beside Azula. Ty Lee walks to her child and picks her up and instantly loves her.

An explosion rattles the walls, but it is met by a gust of wind. The Avatar is at work and everyone feels strangely at _ease _for having their nation upturned in an all out revolt.

"So... Azusami, I guess?" Ty Lee says with a shrug. The newborn sticks its tongue out at her and she gets more excited than she should be. Or maybe _just the right _amount of excited. This is _thrilling_.

"Your baby was born while the Fire Nation burned," Mai remarks laughingly as Ty Lee is babbling to her baby. "As Nationalists tried to murder Zuko, your baby was born. I hope you feel good knowing that, Azula."

Azula does not respond. But she smirks faintly.

As the riots die down with the work of Avatar Aang, a family is made.

And the room is swiftly stifled by an airbender, a Fire Lord and a sullen looking waterbender.

[X]

Time after Azusami's birth goes by infinitely slowly. Every second that passes burns like a fresh wound. But it does not feel like the rapid blasts of an Agni Kai; it feels like Azula is slowly being cooked from the inside out. She feels like a terrible person, like the worst of both of her parents.

"I love you. I do. I really do," Azula tells the baby who cannot understand her words. She is trying to reassure herself more than the baby that constantly tugs at her mother's hair and claws to be held like an animal.

She holds one year old Azusami in her arms and tries to think of the reasons why she loves her child. But each time, she comes up short. The days and nights go on like this; politics and parenting. Dealing with issues on the home front while Zuko cavorts about in Republic City. They act as if the revolution that attempted to occur as Azusami was born was nothing. It was a great loss for The Resistance. But they _live_ and Azula is their icon.

The Resistance is messy. She supposes she will just have to keep abeting concerns and rooting out liars, cheats and nationalists in ways that go against the fabric of her being until Zuko dies or she dies. Or maybe the Fire Nation will collapse on itself.

But as she works and works to try to keep her Nation from devouring itself, she constantly surrenders herself to the baby with the gold eyes and thick black hair.

_Is this my life? Is this the life of the girl who conquered Ba Sing Se? The girl who dreamed to burn down the sky? Who _could _if she wanted, do anything she imagined?_

_ Yes. Yes, Princess Azula, yes it is. _

Isolation ticks by. What Azusami needs she takes. Isolation ticks by.

Ty Lee gives Azusami a bath. Azula walks away, shivering at the thought of it. It repulses her. That night, Ty Lee shouts at her for being a distant parent.

"You hate your mother! Azusami is going to hate you just like that!" Ty Lee exclaims, probably waking the entire palace. Azula does not know what to say. "You're never there for her. Only when I force you. She barely knows you, Azula."

Azula stands mute for a moment. She knows what she is doing to her child, and she does not want to be doing it, but she still does. She walks to Ty Lee and grabs her by the arm. Her hot fingers singe skin as she does not give her wife a chance to get in a single motion to stop her.

She throws her on the bed and takes her. And then spends the entire night crying hysterically as Ty Lee packs and leaves to stay with her grandparents. Azula does not fall asleep, but drags herself out of bed in the morning. She cannot face Zuko and Mai; they will know that Ty Lee ran away.

Out in the courtyard, she conjures lightning on her fingertips. As the electricity reverberates through her slender body, it does little to soothe her and she tries to remember when and how she lost her way.

Ty Lee comes back and Azula apologizes incessantly. She has bandages on her arm from the burn and Azula tries not to look at it. Ty Lee was burnt by Azula, and it felt like a kiss. But what happened afterwards was enough to consider just giving up on the slowly sinking Princess Azula.

"I'm sorry. Please," Azula whispers frantically and Ty Lee kisses her hesitantly, gently. And Princess Azula can sense her fear.

"You don't have to apologize. It's fine," Ty Lee lies and Azula pretends to believe her.

Azula blames Azusami for what happened. It's the child's fault that her relationship with her wife is crumbling. It's because of Azusami that Azula burnt and raped Ty Lee. Azula detaches herself entirely from the one year old, missing first words.

Princess Azula sits in the living room, Azusami clutching the coffee table beside her. Azula is working through reports on the resistance in the country, possibly gathering for another attack of the caliber of the one that punctuated Azula's screams of childbirth with explosions and screams of death. She is, of course, ignoring her daughter.

"I think she wants to walk," Zuko says, lying on the sofa and skimming what Azula intently read and annotated.

"Well, she better start practicing," Azula replies scathingly and Zuko cringes. He wishes she did not say such things about her own baby.

"Teach her to walk. Come on. Do it," Zuko insists. He pauses, thinking of words to exploit his sister. And then they come to him, "Or are you too scared to?"

"I'm not _scared _of an infant," Azula snaps, seizing Azusami by the hands. She holds her as she slowly walks by her side. Azusami clings to her mother's leg as they walk in circles.

Azula slowly breaks away and Azusami crumbles slightly. _Fuck_. But Azusami pushes herself up with her small hands and tries to make it to Azula.

"Come on," Azula says as kindly as she can. Azusami struggles, and it goes on like this for an hour before Azusami has taken seven steps.

And so Azula teaches her daughter how to walk.

Isolation ticks by. What Azusami needs she takes. Isolation ticks by.

As Azusami turns two, Azula sits on her throne and gives advice to those who work for the rebels. She burns the death threats after tracing the words with her fingers a thousand times. She was once such a glistening icon of power and fear; people still see her as that. But her child owns her like a slave.

Isolation ticks by. What Azusami needs she takes. Isolation ticks by.

Azusami has nightmares tonight. She is two and regularly her brain subjects her to night terrors about burning, everything burning. Azula had them too. Almost the same ones. She struggles to find words of comfort as the child curls up in her arms.

"Can I sleep in your bed tonight?" Azusami inquires softly, petting Azula's hair, and Azula wants to slap her. But she does not. She knows better than to do that.

"Of course not. That's unnatural," Azula says, leaning against the wall of Azusami's bedroom. It is beautiful and gilded, like what Azula once lived in. Except there is a plethora of toys. They spill everywhere, a path of destruction everywhere Azusami goes. Azula does not know how to keep up; she surrenders her daughter to nannies and Ty Lee.

"Izumi sleeps with Uncle and Aunt," Azusami protests and Azula struggles to think of a good lie. Her mind is addled from insomniac nights and endless days.

"That's not how our family works," is all Azula offers. Azusami does not protest, and she falls asleep in Azula's arms, after a long time. Azula puts the child in her bed and walks towards her own room.

Isolation ticks by. What Azusami needs she takes. Isolation ticks by.

Things get better. Things get worse.

Azula hates everything. Hates her isolation. Hates her daughter. Hates herself.

The higher the pedestal, the harder the fall.

Every second she spends in the presence of her daughter feels like the cold and wet fourteen hours she spent chained to a grate at fourteen. Every kiss she shares with her wife feels like the betrayal at the Broiling Rock that sent her reeling to failure. And every day feels like the four years she spent in prison.

Isolation ticks by. What Azusami needs she takes. Isolation ticks by.

[X]

Azusami is almost two. Azula holds her in her arms and gazes at her intently. She thinks of when she was a baby, when she was a child and when Lu Ten was going to be Fire Lord. Her life was so much easier. She was brash and bold because she could be, and no one would stop her. But now she is a ghost of herself.

This palace is a graveyard. Azula haunts it.

"Azula," says mother, as if her opinion matters. "I want to talk to you."

Azula is watching Azusami practice walking. She feels a dryness in her mouth and an overwhelming sense of defeat. But still, her daughter's little motions bring a smile to her lips. Her relationship with her daughter is complicated and hard to understand.

"No one is stopping you, mother," Azula says haughtily. She attempts a regal sigh and fails, simply exhaling a little too loudly.

"It's my fault that you struggle with her," Ursa says, frowning. "For that, I'm sorry."

"I don't need your apologies." Azula does not say it abrasively and Ursa is amazed. "I don't. You did what you could and I shouldn't hate you for it."

"I..." Ursa can only blink.

"We're never going to get along mother. You and father are the reason I'm so _screwy_. But I'm done dwelling. I have a child. I can't keep... doing this. I simply can't."

"Oh, well, I..." Ursa is left speechless.

"Maybe someday we can work out all our issues over tea and shopping. Right now just... don't bother me with it. I guess I forgive you or something." Azula shrugs and catches Azusami as she starts to fall. The baby babbles an apology, and Azula smiles warmly at her. Ursa sees something in her daughter that she has never seen before.

"Maybe someday," Ursa repeats softly.

[X]

"I have no restraint, Ty Lee, I'm sorry," Azula says, glaring at the sunset as if it has personally angered her. They have been fighting again, mostly about their two year old. Things have been on the rocks for a long time and Ty Lee supposes she should have expected that when she married Azula.

"It's okay, Azula. We're going to work it out." She sits beside her, knees touching her chin. They are outside in the courtyard in the slight winter chill, permeating their skin with goosebumps.

"Your optimism is sickening," Azula says with a small smirk. Ty Lee presses her lips against her wife's and it feels as electric as it has for over a decade. Each kiss sends a course of lightning through her body, shocking her senseless, warm and arousing. Each touch is as significant as the first. Each date bringing butterflies. So maybe they fight and maybe Azula is _terrible _and Ty Lee is sometimes _worse_ but their relationship was never going to be perfect.

They love each other. And it does not need to be spoken aloud.

"Do you want to be with me, Azula." The question escapes Ty Lee's lips fairly often.

"I don't do anything I don't want to do," Azula murmurs and Ty Lee can feel her dipping her into the waters of Ember Island on their wedding night, of frantic and tender sex in a shady inn as they tried to _evade the Avatar_. They have a colorful past and Ty Lee is more than pleased to be a part of it. Good times and bad.

"Well good thing you want to be with me," Ty Lee offers, shrugging.

"Happy anniversary," Azula says and Ty Lee's eyes widen and sparkle.

"I thought you forgot." She clasps her hands excitedly, eyes rotund as the moon gradually rising. Every time Azula looks at the moon she thinks of the fact that Ty Lee is under the impression that Azula slept with a waterbender. It was all a lie. And Azula swore she _would never lie again_. At least, not to Ty Lee.

"I haven't ruined it?" Azula asks, picking at her fingernails. Their fight probably was heard in the South Pole.

"We can still make the best of what's left."

Still, they love each other. As impossible as it is. As impossible as _they are_.

"A few hours?" Azula glances at the sun rapidly sinking in the vermillion sky. Sunrise is her favorite sight; sunset her least favorite.

"I can think of what we can do for a few hours..." Ty Lee giggles.

[X]

Almost three years have passed since the riots died down and the rebellion was weeded out, all as Azula watched and felt helpless. She feels better most days. Worse other days. And all days she is surrounded by Azusami, who desperately wants to be Azula, but has no idea how sick of an idol Azula is.

Sometimes, in the morning, Azusami breaks free of Ty Lee or nannies or the watchful grasps of her elder cousin Izumi and she watches her mother train. Azula moves through motions, conjuring lightning. Azusami finds it incredibly impressive, and she could watch for hours.

"How do you do that?" Azusami asks in preternaturally coherent sentences. She is an astute child, and clever, with Azula's eyes and pointed features, with thick black hair that falls down past her shoulders and is often in her face. Beautiful, clever and with a wicked streak. Azula looks at her with an odd sort of envy, and a twisted sense of pride, and her emotions are so confused by Azusami that she often shuts her out altogether.

"It takes years to master," Azula says, stopping. She pauses. Everything in her desires to continue training, but Azusami looks expectant. "I could show you, I guess. You can't bend or ─ can't bend _yet_. But I'll show you the motions."

It is Azusami's third birthday tomorrow. Ty Lee has planned an elaborate party, with the same guests that attended her wedding. It seems needlessly lavish for a child's party, which Azula would prefer to spend amongst only the family, but it is going to happen and she will have to deal with it. At least Katara and the Avatar and even Sokka have grown more bearable over the past few years. Katara forgave her for the vicious lies, which Azula finds strange but does not protest. She still feels isolated.

Azula walks Azusami through the most basic firebending forms. Technically, if Azusami could bend, she would be showing her still poses and teaching her how to breathe sunlight, but this is all for show. They move through the elaborate dance, Azusami surprisingly keeping up with sloppy motions.

"Speed is less important than doing the motion right," Azula says, feeling like her father. She fights the urge to shudder. But Azusami listens and learns. _Not that it matters; you can't even produce flame. _"You know, if you want to actually practice firebending, it isn't about the pretty poses. It's all about breathing."

Azula sits down on a rock. Azusami focuses intently on her mother for the thousandth time, but this time, Azula feels mild connection.

"Do you feel the sun?" Azula asks and Azusami looks at her like she is crazy. Azula hates that look. "When you breathe in, imagine you're breathing in the sun. Slow, controlled breaths. And don't think about anything else but your breathing."

Azusami crosses her legs and closes her eyes. Obediently, she begins to breathe. It is pathetic at first, and she sneezes a couple of times ─ and after sneezing insists on rubbing her nose on Azula's sleeve ─ and complains for a few minutes. Eventually, Azula gets up and leaves. She cuts her training session short and lets Azusami's nannies deal with her meditation.

The night before her party, Azusami lies in her small bed. Her bedroom was once Zuko's, but all of the decorations have been redone a thousand times to fit with her daughter's phases. Despite the rocky relationship with Azula, Azusami has all she asks for instantaneously. Maybe that makes her even more like her mother.

"Tell me a story. A _real _story," Azusami begs, tugging at Azula when she finishes tucking her daughter in the blankets. She hates doing this, but she and Ty Lee have been taking turns, and Azula only has so many excuses before Ty Lee responds, _Even you aren't that good of a liar, Azula. Now put our daughter to sleep._

Azula hesitates and then sits down at the foot of the bed.

"I've never really told a story before," Azula says. It true, save for the lies and melodramatic speeches.

"It's not hard. Just start with once upon a time there was..." Azusami's eyes widen and sparkle as she begs like an animal. Azula sighs.

"Once upon a time there was a princess, like you," Azula begins, loathing this already.

"Uh-huh." Azusami looks needlessly excited. This is going to be a _very _boring story.

"And all she ever wanted was to be perfect. She lived in an imperfect empire of isolation, and she grew up alone without anyone except the man who held her hostage."

"Ooo, trapped princess, this is good. She gets rescued by true love, doesn't she?"

"You'll find out if you stop interrupting," Azula snaps. Azusami bites her lip.

"Sorry," she squeaks.

"This princess pursued her dream relentlessly, but she could never quite get it. And then, one day, she was allowed to live the palace she was held captive in. The man who held her prisoner told her she would have her dream of perfection if she was able to reclaim his lost possession─"

"Magic sword!"

"Okay, okay, his magic sword. And the overweight man who stole the magic sword."

"Why overweight?"

"I'm trying to be descriptive," Azula snarls and Azusami squeaks. She tugs at Azula.

"Sorry. Keep going!"

"So, the princess set off to reclaim the magic sword, for the first time exposed to the real world. She found help from two lost friends she once knew─"

"I thought she grew up alone." Azusami furrows her brow and Azula rolls her eyes.

"Are you going to let me tell the story or would you like to tell it?" Azula says and Azusami clamps her hand over her mouth pointedly. "Anyway, she went on an adventure with her two friends, to get the magic sword or whatever."

"What kind of adventures?" Azusami asks and Azula sighs.

"They went to an ancient city and had to fight the forces of an evil waterbender, her pathetic imbecile brother, and they had another magical artifact─"

"Necklace! Ruby necklace!"

"Okay, okay, shh. Ruby necklace." Azula snickers about something Azusami does not understand. "So, the princess had once heard that this ruby necklace could grant perfection if she was able to capture or destroy it. So, she abandoned the quest of her captor, and decided to get the ruby necklace so she could become perfect."

"It didn't work out, did it?" Azusami frowns.

"No. Things never were that easy for the princess. Somewhere along the way, the princess fell in love. With a charming runaway noble who the princess's captor forbade her to see. And with the girl she loved and some other incidental helpmate, the princess conquered a city and destroyed the ruby necklace.'

"Did it make her perfect?"

"No. No it didn't." Azula starts to stand up.

"The story can't end like that!" Azusami undoes herself from the blankets that Azula carefully wrapped. She grabs her mother's arm and refuses to let go. "Make up more."

"Fine." Azula sits back down and wonders if she will be here all night. "The princess returned to her home with her true love and also the magic sword which she got when she destroyed the ruby necklace. All seemed well for the princess, even though her dream was not achieved. But then the unthinkable happened, the magic sword was stolen again, by the evil waterbender from earlier. And she had also repaired the ruby necklace."

"She sounds terrible."

"You don't know the half of it. Anyway, the princess was forced by her captor to reclaim the magic sword, and so she went to find it. She almost had him, but then her true love betrayed her."

"You called the sword a him," Azusami protests.

"Slip of the tongue," Azula replies bitterly. "Her true love betrayed her. She returned to the palace and was held captive again. And her captor gave her one more chance to be granted perfection. But when the time came, she fought the waterbender who wielded the magic sword, and she was defeated."

"Is that... is that the end?" Azusami asks sadly. She looks completely dejected.

"Ugh. Okay, I'll continue." This _is _going to take all night. "The princess thought this was the end, but she was destined to be held hostage again."

"By the same man."

"Sure, if that makes it simpler. Then the unexpected happened and the princess's true love undid her betrayal and rescued the princess from her prison. They got married and had a baby. And then the princess died. The end. There's really no more after that."

"She died? She didn't become perfect? They should have lived happily ever after. That was a terrible story," Azusami complains, frowning fiercely. Azula shrugs.

"You asked for a real story. There are no real happy endings," Azula says, picking at her fingernails. "Will you go to sleep now?"

"One question."

"Go ahead," Azula replies with a regal sigh. _I don't have time for this._

"Why did the princess want to be perfect?"

"Because she didn't know it would only end with misery and death. Happy now?"

"Not really." Azusami slides under her blankets. "Goodnight, mother."

Azula kisses her daughter on the forehead, although it makes her queasy to do so, and walks to her own bedroom. _That was an exercise in frustration._

Once she arrives, she finds Ty Lee undoing her hair. Azula's lip trembles slightly and her nose tingles, but she controls herself before she slips up too evidently.

"Will you sleep with me?" Azula asks, and she is not ordering. Ty Lee notices that and feels a moment of concern.

"What's wrong?" Ty Lee asks, walking to her wife. She touches her wrist and leads her to the bed, but before they initiate anything she demands, "Please tell me. Did something happen with Azusami?"

"It's nothing. I was just thinking about life," Azula says and Ty Lee knows she means her life before Sozin's Comet. She has a particularly wistful tone when she discusses what she could have had, but just could not get it.

Her desires consist of _I wish I could, but just couldn't_. And Ty Lee has thought to fix it, but she can only be drawn closer and tighter. If they dive; they dive together. And if they subsequently drown, they will share a watery grave entwined.

Azula kisses Ty Lee's lips, enjoying the taste. They touch slowly, hesitantly. Ty Lee is treating Azula as if she is fragile, and in response Azula slowly bites down on her wife's lower lip. The acrobat leans into it, removing her clothes with ease and grace. She wraps her legs around Azula and they find themselves interlocked, kissing, hitting and missing, fondling and trying to reach some kind of paradise that does not exist.

Nails dig into Ty Lee's spine and she moans. They fall into each other, Azula's tongue running along her wife's clavicle, down towards her breast. Ty Lee wraps her fingers in Azula's hair. Burning kisses like fire across her body.

Dipping lower. Reciprocation. They lie there together silently.

Azula is distant and detached, as she has been of late. Rarely is she present anymore, and Ty Lee no longer tries. Slowly, Azula's hand moves to hers, and Ty Lee holds on. They fall asleep with blankets half off due to the abysmal heat.

"I love you," Azula says before they pass out, but Ty Lee does not hear, or so she believes.

She misses the small smile of her wife.

The next morning, Azula tries to avoid the party preparations. Guests are streaming in from all corners of the world, and Ty Lee is ordering servants to put up decorations. She is making it nearly impossible for them, nitpicking every detail.

Finally, the party begins. People flow in, bringing their children with them, as disgusting as that is. Hakoda, Suki and Sokka's daughter, immediately latches onto Azusami. They are the only kids who are the same age, and they start playing together eagerly. Azusami is far better with other children than her mother was; then again, she picks up far more on Ty Lee's behaviors than Azula's.

Almost instantly, Azula and Mai find themselves sitting in the corner with cups of tea, standing on the sidelines and watching.

"This party is so boring," Mai sighs and Azula smirks.

"It's not _terrible_," Azula suggests, shrugging. And it's Mai's turn to smirk.

Ty Lee bounds over to check on them, trying to keep up with all sixty of the guests. Azusami is looking overwhelmed with her own well-wishers. Izumi keeps getting patted on the head, much to her dismay, and Azula looks at her pissed off face, which is very similar to her father's.

"Look at 'sami playing with Hakoda. Oh! Can you imagine if they get married someday!" Ty Lee can be heard a mile away as she approaches Azula and Mai. Azula is already looking at Azusami playing with the four year old boy garbed in blue, and Azula does not like it one bit.

"It wounds me to see my child playing with a water peasant." Azula looks at the bottom of her empty teacup. "They are forbidden to marry. I'm saying that right now."

Ty Lee grins as Mai rolls her eyes. Azula continues to look incredibly sullen.

Meanwhile, Aang feels on the outskirts. He is used to being incessantly approached, being the Avatar. But at this party, everyone seems distracted by the two young cousins, children of the notorious royal siblings. He does not mind the peace and quiet, accented by the gentle music and his cinnamon Fire Nation cake, which he likes. The cake reminds him of Kuzon; it was his favorite.

"You're the Avatar, right?" comes a small voice significantly below him. He slinks to a kneeling position to face Azusami. She looks frighteningly like her mother, but also cute. It is a weird sensation to see a little Azula.

"I am. Happy birthday," he says, smiling at her. She smiles back, and she most certainly did not inherit her mother's wicked smirk.

"Watch this," Azusami says, holding up one hand and staring at it. She furrows her brow in concentration, and her palm lights up in ruby. Aang is taken aback by the sight.

"Did your mother teach you that?" Aang asks as her fire fizzles out. She frowns.

"No. It just happened today," Azusami says, trying to summon fire again and failing. Aang smiles to himself as he looks at Princess Azula sitting unhappily in the corner with the equally unhappy Fire Lady Mai.

"I'm going to give you some fire to hold. Be _very _careful or somebody might get hurt," Aang says, already pleased with himself. He lights Azusami's palm and she bounces excitedly. "Go show your mother." Aang taps her back and she runs off, hand on fire. It does not go out of control, as Aang worried.

Azula looks at the lovefest of the Four Nations in the palace ballroom. Ty Lee has ran off again to greet guests, and Azula has lost sight of Azusami.

"Azula, your kid is firebending," Mai says out of nowhere.

"Stop being such a bitch," Azula snarls viciously and Mai can only sigh.

"No, really, look." Mai grabs Azula's arm and Azula sees Azusami coming at her, one hand on fire. The partygoers are already starting to stare.

Azula steps down from her chair and walks to her daughter.

"Mother! Mother, look!" Azusami shrieks, drawing even more attention to herself. She holds out her palm of fire, beaming. Azula feels a weird _melting _feeling inside of her chest that is unfamiliar to her.

"That's earlier than me," Azula murmurs. Azusami holds up her other hand over the fire and starts contorting it and passing between her hands.

"Look! Look!" Azusami shrieks. She keeps jumping and Azula uses one finger to calm the fire before the overexcited child burns down the palace.

"Are you crying, Azula?" Mai is hovering over her shoulder like a looming purple shadow.

"No. My eyes are broken," Azula retorts icily, grabbing Azusami's hand to put out the flames and hugging her tightly. "Stop gawking, peasants!"

"This is so beautiful, I'm going to die." Ty Lee hugs Azula tightly, squeezing her half to death, and the entire family is wrapped around each other. Azusami wriggles out, kicking, and leaves her parents staring at her.

Aang nudges Katara. "Helping people, all in a day's work for the Avatar."

She smiles, shaking her head slowly.

[X]

"You haven't said something snarky in an hour. In fact, you haven't said anything in an hour," Zuko says, watching Azula stare at Azusami. Azusami is playing with dolls, completely ignorant of her mother's fixed gaze and thousand yard stare. The dolls are locked in a fairly intense battle.

"I don't..." Azula trails off, silver tongue feeling like actual metal. "My daughter is a firebender."

"That's predictable," Zuko replies snidely, sitting down beside her. "Were you expecting a waterbender or something?"

Azula shoves him and he wobbles slightly. Her heart was less in that assault than the bolt of lightning that nearly nabbed her the throne four years ago.

"I feel really... happy," she says hesitantly, the words slow and drawn out as if she is picking them out from her lips one by one. The head of one of Azusami's dolls pops off. "She's so young. And she seems to have real potential."

"She _is _your kid," Zuko remarks, as if it is something grim. "Now, please don't do anything crazy when you start training her."

"I promise," Azula says earnestly, golden eyes glittering with mild amusement. "Turning children into human weapons can sometimes traumatize them."

"Sometimes," Zuko repeats with a small snort.

"I feel... bad, too." This is like pulling teeth to Zuko, but he bears it for the good of the Fire Nation, and the good of his sister. "Because I stopped hating her as soon as I saw her carrying fire."

Zuko does not know what to say to that. Finally, he decides on, "It's just how you were raised. You didn't have the insufferably annoying undoing of all of father's influence by Uncle."

"It was annoying?" Azula is startled; Zuko has so much _love _for General Iroh.

"Have you met Uncle, Azula?" He tries to be playful about it. She simply shrugs, though he conjured a small smile on her rosy lips. "He embodies annoying. You're not as bad at this as you think you are. Never thought I'd say that to _you _of all people."

Azula pauses, scrutinizing Zuko for any sign of a lie. "You really think that?"

"Yeah, yeah I do," Zuko says earnestly and they momentarily sit together in silence.

Slowly, hesitantly, Azula walks to Azusami and touches her back. It feels strange for a moment, but she allows herself to do it. And then Azusami thrusts a doll into her hand.

They play together, and Zuko laughs at how terrible Azula is at playing dolls.

"It's not like you would do any better!" Azula snaps at her brother. He tries his best not to smile as she punches him.

Maybe things will work out.

Just maybe.

_**The End**_

_**but**_

_**continued in the sequel Aphelion, now posted  
**_


End file.
